Monday, November 26, 2012

This is all for something more, right??

I am going to try again to get something done today! I've been dragging. A bit worn out from the nights with Harper, my daily duties aren't getting done. She is swinging now and Z is at Doodle Bugs. Whew! I'm forcing myself to stick to task. This house WILL be decorated today!! All but the tree. We've decided to go get a real one this year. I've never had one here. The fake trees are so much easier. Geesh. We'll see how it goes. I might save that for when my dad comes. He arrives on Wednesday for about 5 days or so. It will be nice to have him. Lynette can't make it because she is with her father. She is caring for him--representing a time in my life that I am not ready for.

My parents are in their 70s. I know that my time is limited with them. I'm not ready. Many of my friends have already lost a parent. I don't know how they dealt with it. I can imagine the feeling of abandonment and feeling lost and alone. Ugh. There is so much life that I have not yet lived. So many hurts and joys that I have to experience. Life is quite the has to lead to something else, right? What is the point of being all the wiser right before you pass away? What were the lessons for? They have to be carried on to somewhere least that's my thinking. I don't know what the place is, but I imagine seeing my loved ones there. Heaven is the best word for it. Jason doesn't believe in Heaven or Hell. He's not sure about God. That I am sure about. We're being watched over. I want to believe that.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

The power of twinkle lights

Trying to decorate for the second day. My exhaustion from being up at night is getting in the way. Plus, no one else seems to be as into it as I am. To have someone to decorate with is nice. Makes me miss my sister. Jason is so busy with work and school. Z's focus is divided. When the girls get bigger...this will be a great time. I am chasing a feeling of childhood. I always do. It could even be something I've made up in my mind. I want to create the same feeling in the girls. Having the family here for Thanksgiving was really nice. Waking up to the sound of grandparents...what a great thing. I miss mine dearly. This time of year brings that up as well--missing those who aren't here. It is a happy, yet gut wrenching time.

All I can do is try to make the girls happy. Give them great memories like I have. Fill the time with holiday music, lights and smiles. I want them to understand that this is a time of love. It is a time to feel at peace and to feel safe. It is the best time to be understanding and grateful. It's a time to appreciate all religions and traditions.

I want them to grow up open minded and kind. I want them to be mindful of others. I am trying to do the same.

Now, off to do more effort to transform the house into a magical place for the girls to enjoy. Wish me luck.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

pretty in pink...

I'm not a "pink" person. I've tried to redirect Z from liking it...but it is a lost cause. She loves it. ugh. I just ordered her birthday cake in pink. (She did say she wanted red and blue birds on it though...whew!)  The family (Jason's) arrives tomorrow. I have 2 easy pies to make and all of the side dishes. Shouldn't be too bad. I will leave the cream pies for Christmas. I am on my 4th day of being sick. That doesn't help my productivity.

I'm listening to holiday music...currently Josh Groban...and it is putting me in the mood.

Hope you all have a great Thanksgiving. I have MUCH to be thankful for. I'm sure you do as well. If you can't think of many things...have a should help make them more clear. (Jason is relying on drinking to make it through the holiday.) HA! His "to do" list is long...and the number one item is "pick up wine."

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Okay, I'm not one for the grayness. I need green, colors or a blanket of snow. I need natural decoration. The leafless trees are just dragging me down. Thanksgiving is next week and I'm looking forward to the flash of guests--2 days of craziness and then it is quiet again. I will decorate for Christmas on Friday--just to get the damn twinkle lights up before I go nuts. I will drown myself in eggnog and listen to holiday music until my ears bleed.

F  U baby blues...I can handle it!

Monday, November 12, 2012

Fatigue, hormones or SAD??

My little sister was here over the weekend. I love having people visit. But the feeling my heart feels when they leave...I could do without. It is a familiar feeling. It seems like it ages you. Or, maybe it just exercises the muscle. Ups and downs...being excited...feeling loss. Do you ever feel like you question yourself as to why you act a certain way? Do we force ourselves in certain directions? Do we go to extremes to save ourselves...from ourselves? I constantly question why I don't live in Kansas when so many I love live there. Why live clear out here where I really don't know many at all. Most of my support network is in one place. I think it is sad that I distance myself from a time of life instead of realizing that I can grow and be who I am now without worrying about becoming "that person" again. I feel good here in NY. My babies were born here...Jason and I are a little unit and we are away from some of the toxic relationships in our lives. Maybe this is just how it is...the feeling of missing people. Maybe I should just be happy that people want to visit. I should focus on the time spent instead of time lost.

Maybe it's just the weather turning gray. Maybe it's seasonal affective disorder. Christmas lights are coming...the girls are beautiful and happy...

I'm just exhausted today and I  miss people.

I can just hope for more visitors.

Sunday, November 04, 2012

bye, bye love.

It's Sunday. Mom left this morning. I was close to tears all morning. Not only will I miss her, but her leaving signifies that this "birth experience" is over. Sounds silly. Harper wasn't here...and then she was. It was a life altering event that won't be repeated and I'm just mourning it a bit. Bringing a baby home is just a special thing--magical almost.

Today I just want to sit in a hot bubble bath and be alone. It's probably due to just being a little down. I tend to retreat into myself. I self medicate by becoming unsocial. Stupid really.

Z has an eye infection and her eyes are seeping constantly. Great. Harper is snoring next to me. (She has small nasal passages and snores a lot--the doc says they will continue to get bigger as she does and her snores will be a thing of the past.) I should tape them to play for her first boyfriend.

Mandi comes on Thursday to save me from myself. I can't wait. She's never visited me where I've lived. It will be nice for her to see New York. 2 weeks earlier she would've seen some the trees are dead except a few. The snow needs to blanket it outside so we have more to look at.

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. It's time to get back to reading books and blogging. I need to form another schedule for myself. I need to lose the last 10 lbs. (I lost 20 in a week--hello breastfeeding!!) I can't get sucked in by these blues. That won't be good for anyone.

Thursday, November 01, 2012

She's here and I'm back.

It's the day after Halloween. The last time I posted I believe I was very impatient about Harper getting here. Harper Autumn Bennington Vidmar got here on Oct. 20th at 2:10AM. It went well. I delivered on my side. Strange, yes? I thought it was. I had labor pains from about 3PM until my epidural around 9PM. That was enough. I applaud the women who do it naturally. I am not much for pain. When given the okay to push, I pushed for 14 mins and she was out. My only thought is...get her out here because I can't do this all night. She is beautiful. Her coloring is so different from Z's. Interesting. She looks more like I thought Z would look like--dark hair and blue eyes. Z with her beautiful blond locks and bright blue eyes...she must have gotten it from my dad's side.

Oddly enough, even though I hated (let's face it) pregnancy--especially the end--the thought of never going through it again saddens me terribly. Maybe it's my hormones? We want 2 and that's it. (But I can see how people have many  more.) The entire process is addicting. Labor just proves how strong you are as well as just getting through 9 months. The end result being this beautiful being who is just her own spirit and she is here because you wanted her--that's amazing to me. She's a very zen baby. The docs says so, we say so...she's just laid back and quiet most of the time. She takes in the world a lot for such a young one. When her eyes are open...she really seems like she can see?? She moves her neck around just looking about with WIDE eyes. It's pretty cool. Z is doing pretty well with her. She is struggling herself right now it seems. Tantrums are almost 2 a day. She loses her mind. She is fine one moment and then goes crazy the next?? It's making me doubt my parental ways. Am I causing this? Is this normal? She screams and repeats a phrase about a million times. ??? I feel like I need a professional to guide me.

Here are the girls. Sweet, eh? Beautiful. We are lucky. (click on it to make it bigger)

My mom leaves on Sunday. Yuck. The blog will be more regular now. I need to get back somewhat on a schedule for myself or I worry about getting the blues. I took down the Halloween decs and now am putting up Thanksgiving. The change of season--from the beautiful tress to snow is coming soon. Bring on the snow and the lights. I need them.