Thursday, September 19, 2013

more control issues

The sun is shining. It's going to be a beautiful day. Yet, I am full of anxiety. This is driving me nuts. When surrounded by people who struggle daily, I seem to find stress in my good life. I feel guilty about feeling this way.

Okay, I have a really hard time owning my feelings. I feel badly if I feel bad. If I have anxiety. If I'm lonely. If I need more attention. It's not the woman I want to be--yet, it is the woman I am. It wouldn't take a lot, just a little. To have a go to movie person--when J can 't go. To have a go to person that comes over and chit chats. To have a go to person to go on walks.

I've lived my with close friends. I'm a friend person. I can't make Jason be everything to me and I've been trying to. That doesn't work. When I'm lonely, it is all on him. I need to nourish some parts of me that are not mommy and wife.

I got a trainer at the gym and that's been great. I'm getting stronger. My body was so weak from surgeries, babies and no exercise. Now, I feel like I'm taking control of it.

My life is a good one. I know this. I am aware of the hardships of others and know that I am lucky to have the life I have. It's my insides I need to work on.

(Thank you JP for reaching out. That made a HUGE difference)

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

I've been avoiding this

I haven't blogged forever. I know. I feel like I've been avoiding it. I've been filled with too much conflicting emotion and worried about being too negative. I think it's a low spot. The girls are always my high point--though I have my days when I feel like another mom needs to check in so I can rest and be a better me. I am tired...yet everyone is. I feel as if I can't own my own issues. I know everyone has them...therefore it makes me feel like a wimp to deal with my own. Someone out there is always tougher, smarter, more equipped than I am. I want to be good at it. I want to be better than I am.

Today is a day where I feel as if I'm on an island alone. I don't feel in touch with anyone. I don't feel connected. I'm lonely. I'm used to such every day closeness...with friends, etc. I don't have that here. I look outward for love. I'm needy. I hate admitting that. I want to strong, independent and self sufficient. I'm  just not. I need affection. I need connection. I need conversation.

Jason works a lot. Everyone knows this. It is too much for me, really. It's too much for him, too. He is addicted. He doesn't think so. They never do. I don't know what to say about this really. It's just the way it is.

My good friends are far away. The phone sucks. The reality is that life gets busy and makes it hard to stay in touch the way I want to.

I'm lost today. I'm bored with myself. I'm bored with who I am...I'm not seeming to learn anything new. I obsess over things I can't change. Things I feel as if I can somehow. My family stresses me out. I feel like a little girl constantly upset. When will I ever feel like an adult?

See...this is whiny. I can't help it. I'm processing. damn.