Thursday, June 26, 2014

Steamboat by Adrianne Lenker

STEAMBOAT

Well I’m just a stranger
I’m only a walker
I guess I am human
But sometimes I feel like I’m only a ghost
Like I’m only a wall
If you come around honey
I’ll probably just follow you home
‘Cause it’s all that I know how to do
I was born by a body
I’ll die by one too
And places are nothing if they ain’t got you
And one day ima be a steamboat baby
One day I can be your freight train lady
I roll down the river and the miles won’t phase me
Oh I wish I was better at being alone
Still every night I call you on the phone
Oh I wish I was more than my skin and my bone
Well I’ve been arranging
each of my movements
All of my gestures
And trying to fool myself into thinking
That everything’s small
That nothing has reason
I woke up and cried
A convulsion of honesty
Brought me to life
When I thought I was gone
But I can’t put a lie in the 
Mouth of a song
One day I ma be a steamboat baby
One day I can be your freight train lady
Roll down the river and the miles won’t phase me
Oh I wish I was better at being alone
Still every night I call you on the phone
Oh I wish I was more than my skin and my bone
Oh I wish I was more than my skin and my bone
© 2013 Adrianne Lenker. All Rights Reserved.


Man...these lyrics resonate with me so much. Especially in my 20s and early 30s. How many of us have felt like this? Love it. 

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

I'm glad a lobotomy wasn't suggested...

I am doing a piss poor job of writing here. I haven't been real excited to sit down and pour out any thoughts. I've been turning over something in my brain for a few weeks now. Just wondering about some things. And of course, avoiding them as well.

When I was 19, I was diagnose manic-depressive and was immediately put on medication that I was on and off of for the next 10 years. Most of the medicine made me pretty nutty...I just thought that it was just me being crazy. I was embarrassed and insecure about it all--and a HUGE drama queen.

So, come to find out (I'm shortening this story for you) that I was diagnosed wrong. Isn't that a kick in the pants. After spending quite some time with my therapist and meeting with a doctor--they've both concluded that I have adult ADHD. I was sort in shock because in my head, ADHD means someone that can't sit still and can't stay on task. They said that it has nothing to do with me physically. My mind jumps around for me. (I've know this part.) They wet over lots of symptoms of my behavior that lead them to this conclusion. They said I was never manic-depressive. I probably was ADHD the entire time. The medication I was on to "correct" the other was pretty...well, it screwed me up pretty well. I lost a job, friends and time to my insanity I kept going by putting more and more meds into my system for something I didn't suffer with.

I cried. I thought about how long I've felt so weird inside and that I seemed to behind in maturity. My friends always seemed more focus and driven. I was flighty and completely unfocused. I'm not going to blame it for everything, but I do feel that it's very possible things could have been different. That being said, I ended up in about the best place I could be in--so I can't spend too much time looking backward.

My doctor said she's had about 100 cases where a person with ADHD was diagnosed as something else and put on the wrong medication. The lesson I got from this was...if I'm going to get 4 opinions for which doctor to operate on my hip, I should have gone to a few about what meds (if any) would go into my brain.

So yes, I've been put on medication to see if it will help me or not. I guess my forgetfulness, rapid thoughts anxiety and being a big escapist can be helped. You'll have to stay tuned for the results. I can't really tell anything yet. I'm not sure what I'm looking for, really.