Thursday, May 19, 2016

The worst mom in the world

The world seems so much better than it actually is...right? I'm hoping other people feel as not together as I am. Are other children talking back to their parents? Do other parents hear the summer plans of other families and think "where in the hell are they getting the information for such awesome camps?"
I am constantly feeling less informed. I always feel that my struggles are mine alone. Which, I know is ridiculous. However, in the moments where my sweet-faced 6-year-old girl, Z, is screaming at me to "shut up" "I want you to move out" "JUST LEAVE!!!!" I feel rather alone. She kicks she screams, she punches...she cries. I try to look into her eyes so that she'll connect with me--but she is not there. Her eyes don't look like hers. She just loses it and inside I'm angry and horribly sad. Tears normally run down my thoughts always go to, "this is not what I thought my house would be like." I had a vision of happy children...if we were cool, they were cool. No. They are not programmed. They have their own emotions and I know I used to think...I made you, how are you malfunctioning so? Z is a deep thinker. She feels wronged a lot. She has interests that are way past her age. She listens to everything you say...even in a whisper. She notices your body language. She manipulates. "You are scary! You are scaring me!" "You are the worst!!" therapist says that she's manipulating me with that...just move past it. I want to move past this entire "phase" that people seem to think it is. Well, if it's a phase fine, but when my little girl says, "I can't stop feeling these bad feelings. I feel like a bad person." I explain that we all get angry...over silly things and big things...but we have to learn how to manage it. I struggle with it, how can I expect her to be able to? Well, I'm not kicking anyone...yet.
Do other people have houses that are constantly messy? The laundry piles up and it makes me ill to know we have so much when some don't have any and then I'm thrown into an inventory and put aside for others. Donate or sell. Man, it would be nice to have the money back...but donate it...seems like the better thing to do. The people that REALLY need it aren't driving around looking for garage sales in Penfield, NY. When I was in SJ, it was different. My small town was walkable from one border to the other.
When I am doing the dishes and cleaning and catching up with my sister on the phone (who I can barely get on the phone)...I feel like I'm neglecting H. She is in watching Sophia the First...for hours. Yeah, I suck. I make the effort to stop and go in and play, or read or just sit with her. She likes to cuddle and likes to be laying her head on my shoulder and holding my hand is sufficient for her. She is a lover. She is happy. She is simple, for now. But she picks up on moods..."Mommy, smile!" reminding me that a smile on my face means that her world is ok. Ugh. I understand that.
I struggle with what I do with my "free time"--when both girls are at school...and I have uninterrupted time shop, clean the house, fold the laundry--or write...or go to the gym. (All I want to do is write for the entire time...) Then I feel like I've been a bad mom. I am not organized--I was raised by two sides of the coin. My mom is a mess...clutter...just unorganized. My step-mom is organized to the hilt. She corrects the bank on her checking account. My god. Everything is labeled and put away. Everything is dusted...there are no dishes on the counter, never. It fucks with my head. I felt safe in the organization. I felt like things were under control. And I can't keep up with it. My house is too big. Nice, I'm complaining about this shit--yes, then I have a total freak out that I am worried about things that really DO NOT MATTER. People don't even have food to eat. They have nowhere to go. They don't know when they will get paid again. They are sick...or their child is sick...they are in waiting rooms praying...
I should just write, right? Do what I can...but I can't obsess.


Sunday, May 08, 2016


Mother's Day. Happy, I hope.
I know it is very hard for others.
People grieving their lost mothers
Grieving the fact that they did not have a relationship with their mother.
maybe they still don't...
maybe not the kind they wanted...
Women that want to be mothers...
Women who now act as one to their own mother...
Women who have lost a child.
Women who are constant warriors for their children...recognized or unrecognized.
Women who "mother" or teach or care or any means they can.
And to all the mom's that might not hear a word today...a call, card or any type of appreciation...
And for all of us who never appreciated how hard it really was until we had to do it...

The entire human race was born from a woman...most before the age of modern medicine...


I hope Mother Nature is being kind to you today. Celebrate Her, if anything.