Dehydrated

It's been rather a slow day. I woke up when the doorbell rang--our fireplace needed to be fixed. It was good to be forced out of bed, I was tired. Jason had gotten up around 5, if not before and I woke up just around 6. He didn't say goodbye, most likely because he thought I was sleeping. I've been tired all day. I re watched The Oscars and enjoyed it again. I'd also taped Jimmy Fallon's new show--eh. Jimmy Kimmel had the bachelor on, so I watched that. Pretty funny. Yes...today, I was on the couch. I did do some exercises...but that's about all. My thought is that I will be employed soon. Monday is the interview. I've been out a long time! It's weird to fill your day with random things. Having no set schedule isn't good for me, but if you have hope it will be ending soon...it's really not too bad! This week my low key existence isn't bothering me so much.

I looked around Twitter more. What a whole new world! I only have a couple of people following me, but you can follow a lot of people on there! Celebrities. Jane Fonda has one (she turned me on to it really.) Jimmy Fallon, Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher, Steve Martin (I enjoy him), Jimmy Kimmel, Kathy Griffin, John Mayer...it's nuts! Some write their own, others seem to be more fan sites writing for them--I delete those. I'm not sure how long I'll be on it. It takes so much maintenance!

I'm still trying to read The Shack. (I writing this in avoidance in fact.) I read about 40 pages last night. I'm going to buckle down and get it done by tomorrow night! It's moving slowly so far. Since Ronda liked it so much, it can't be bad. I'm really hoping to be moved. I need it.

Why am I so tired? Dustin (and Jason) would say that I'm not drinking enough water. So, that's what I'm going to do after I write this. Pour a glass of water and read. I need to drink a few glasses before dinner. I don't think I had any yesterday. Isn't that awful?! I just don't like it. It's boring to me. I have Crystal Light...maybe I should make that! Is that cheating??

As I look over, I see my Sylvia Plath book...I'd rather jump into that. Why am I struggling so much?? I think it's the religious thing. I don't want to be preached to. I wouldn't say I'm lost in that department...but I would say I'm avoiding the discussion because I don't know what to think. It was forced down my throat at one time--not by my family--but by others. My parents have never forced me into anything. I've always been able to make my own decisions, even if they didn't like them. Dad doesn't talk about religion and Mom has been very open to all religions. Jason reads a lot about a lot of things. He's interested in the discussion...and he's very curious about everything. He questions. I like that. It makes me feel less alone.

I'll let you know what I think.

Update on my Ebay addiction--played $5 dollar fun today. Found a vintage Annie Hall (pictured above) movie poster for $4 and got it. Also...bought "Manhattan" for $6. It was Woody Allen day today...actually, he's been on my mind a lot lately for some reason.

My Monday

-Put out the garbage can/recycle box (figured out it was FREEZING)
-Had to go to the post office to mail off a box and 2 important envelopes.
-Went to the grocery store and got meals for the week.
-Read Jane Fonda's blog
-Decided to create a Twitter account.
-Figured out the Twitter account is useless because none of my friends are on it...I'm just following Jane Fonda, NY Times, NPR and John Mayer. Odd.
-Made "no bake chocolate oatmeal cookies" because I've been craving them.
-Watched The View
-Forced myself to go to the gym because I felt guilty for the no bake cookies.
-Looked around the gym to feel better/worse about myself.
-Got irritated about the numbers pouring into the gym and left after 45 mins.

At least I went. I hate going. I went yesterday, too. A private gym is nicer...but oh well. My other gym had age restriction...you had to be 18 to get in. I don't have kids yet, so I can be grouchy about the herds of screaming kids that dart every direction. Fathers come a lot with them...I'm guessing so he can throw them in the pool and he doesn't have to watch them. (I'm jaded.) I want children...but I don't want them around me while I'm working out. Of course, I don't want anyone around me. I'm extremely anti-social at the gym. Since I hate it there--it only brings out my evil self. (hence, not wanting kids around me.)

I have a book club on Wednesday. They are reading The Shack. Ronda gave me the book over Christmas to read (and return) and I haven't done it yet. I figure, this is my chance. Plus, I've been trying to get into this group for months! I know it's a religious book...or at least that's what I've heard. I'm wondering if it will be difficult for me to read--or if I'll find it inspiring. It seems to be very popular. I didn't do well with the last really popular book everyone told me to read--Twilight. Oh my. That one drove me insane...and the grown women who are freaking out about it??? I don't get it, but I'm having a hard time with that part of myself--the teenage dreamy part. I've read too many memoirs and can't remember what fiction is like. You'd think I'd be ok with it--I love to escape in movies. I've read 200 pages in it and I just didn't go back. I feel like she wrote it with a thesaurus by her side. I'm sure I'll eventually finish it--but I need to wait until I'm ready. Unlike a lot of people, I know when I am going to be able to connect with a book or not. If not, I just stop reading. I move on to the next. I'll read parts of tons of books and not read the whole thing. Do I have a completion issue? A commitment issue? Do I have ADD??

Tonight--the finale to The Bachelor. Yes, I can't read Twilight, but I can watch The Bachelor. Ridiculous!! I won't say I can't wait!! But I will say that I am looking somewhat forward to seeing the end. (Mostly because I get a kick out of Jason's reactions to the show. He loves it.)

I'm off to eat a cookie...and then do some sit ups to counteract it.

the movement you need

I wonder if people think this is about a bowel movement and miss The Beatles lyric...

"the movement you need is on your shoulder." --Hey Jude.

meaning, the power/motivation/love you're looking for is always within a close proximity to you.

random thought.

"Of all men's miseries the bitterest is this: to know so much and to have control over nothing. "

It is possible that lately, I am more prone to irritation. It's not only externally focused. I get equally, if not more, frustrated with myself! Yesterday I was ticked off that I couldn't get the KU game on t.v.--and now realize that I spent a ton of time looking for updates and the final score on the wrong day. It's today!! Embarrassing.

Today my big fight was Ebay based. I bought The History of Herodotus for $10 ($14 with shipping) in January and never received the book. It was such a nice copy too. Printed in 1940, leather bound...ugh. It was a steal!! I sent the money, the person cashed it and no book. I wrote them twice with no response. I finally had to leave negative feedback and opened a case with PayPal. I hate doing stuff like this. Yes, it was only 14 bucks, but I really wanted it. It really sucks. I love Ebay. I have a shopping issue and it is my way of feeding that need without spending a ton like I used to. I let myself spend say, 10-15 bucks...and it makes me so happy! I've bought 3 movies over the past month for $3 a piece!! That rocks. I refuse to buy a dvd for more than $10 now. I'm all over Target's $5 or $10 wall. You can find some real gems!

The History of Herodotus was featured in The English Patient (my favorite movie). Ralph Fiennes' character carries it with him throughout his life. It would've been cool to have.

(The Blog title is a quote from Herodotus)

Sylvia

I just read this:

"Nothing is real except the present, and already I feel the weight of centuries smothering me. Some girl a hundred years ago once lived as I do. And she is dead. I am the present, but I know I , too, will passs. The high moment, the burning flash come and are gone, continuous quicksand. And I don't want to die."

She wrote this at 18 and killed herself at 30. (I wrote 31 in a previous post--didn't realize she hadn't yet had her birthday.)

Just a quick realization. I felt more like this at 20...now at 34, I feel more hope and less like the centuries are smothering me. I live, comforted by those who are around me...and comforted that they will also die like I will. It's too soon for me to write about whether I believe in Heaven or not, but I do have a strong sense that those I've lost, I will see again. At least knowing I share the same fate as the people I love makes dying less scary. I used to lie in bed as a kid and just freak out trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I was going to die one day. I just couldn't figure it out. Life was too big to think it wouldn't always be around me.

What brings people to such a choice? I was preoccupied with death a lot in college...but never got to the point where I could see it as a reality.

Back to reading.

Bravo!

I DVR all of the West Wing reruns on Bravo...and just sit in disbelief. So well written. Just good stuff--and I feel like I learn something when I watch it! I love that. There are good shows that I love to sit and watch because they are entertaining and don't require any thought (American Idol, The Bachelor, Grey's Anatomy) and shows where I actually admire the camera work, the rich colors in the film and the grit!!--The West Wing and Damages.

Off to go out to eat--date night! More on this subject later...

Back from date night. (ate at a new place for us that sets right on the erie canal-very pretty!)

Netflix has totally changed my viewing habits as far as TV goes. I love to get an entire season of a show and just sit doing a marathon. It's a great way to get lost in it. I saw Damages, Dead Like Me (loved it), 24 (seasons 1-4), Weeds and Brothers and Sisters. I tried to rewatch Moonlighting...not as good. I'm really showing how much crap I watch.

But there are so many more options on Netflix that you can't get anywhere else--like The Decalogue-- 10 Polish films based on the 10 Commandments. Fascinating! Mostly, I'll listen to my podcasts and write down all the ones they talk about that I haven't seen. Movies are my hobby. Until I have children, I prefer to spend my time just watching---it's an escape. I'm always looking for an escape.

Thursday

I'm not sure if it's the winter or what, but Jason and I seem to be reading some real gems. He's reading, "Beginner's Guide to Immortality" (Clifford A. Pickover)--hmm. Last night he read two suicide notes from poets that really affected him. It's about the people of the history of the world who have been immortal by being remembered--going against the grain somehow or making contributions to art...or creative works that leave a lasting mark. He's obviously looking for some meaning.

Here is what he read--

1st by Austrailian poet, Adam L. Gordon. He killed himself and left this note, "Life is mostly froth and bubble/ Two things stand like stone/ Kindness is another's trouble/ Courage in your own."

2nd by Robert Lowell. He wrote this to a poet Elizabeth Bishop, " I see us still when we first met...I was brown haired and 30...I was largely invisible to myself, and nothing I knew how to look at. But the fact is we were swimming in our young age, with the water coming down on us, and we were gulping. I can't go on."

I think Jason is wondering about what he does in life...and how it will be remembered. It's hard to feel as if you are giving back to the world when you sit behind a desk all day answering emails. He struggles with it. I struggle with that as well.

I'm no better--I'm reading Sylvia Plath's journals still. I love to read memoirs and such from women. Men's thoughts don't interest me as much--probably because I'm not one. Their minds function differently. I've read a lot of May Sarton's journals as well. I love her. She wrote well into her 70s. Another lady who is starting to write her daily thoughts is Jane Fonda. I found her blog yesterday and have been reading it. (http://janefonda.com/category/my-blog/) She is 71. She looks fabulous. I saw her on The View the other day talking about it. She writes every day and inspires me.

Today's activities have so far included cleaning up the kitchen and tidying up the house...of course. Made myself some grits for lunch. YUM. I wrote down all the bills on the calendar. Downloaded some pictures and sent them out. Watched Damages from last night...love that show. And....tried to urge my Chicago pals to go see Reva tonight in Chicago. I wish I could go. She also inspires me--always has.

Last night was ridiculous. All I wanted was to make some brownies, relax and watch American Idol. (Jason and I love to sit and watch Idol--2 hours of thoughtless bliss.) I read the directions wrong and put in 3 eggs instead of 1. DAMN!!! I ruined them. They are wayyy too cakey now. Jason is eating them. It just infuriates me when I don't do something right. Especially if it has to do with dessert.

After this, I think I'll watch Brideshead Revisited. I got it on Netflix. Sounds like a good afternoon. I glanced over Craigslist...nothing. I'm assuming my interview will be this week--at least they lead me to believe so. I'm just waiting.

Yesterday's Oprah had some shocking stories of "tent cities" all around the U.S. where those who have lost their houses are living! Professional men and women with families that made 6 figs last year have NOTHING. It really threw me--and scared me. The most shocking thing were those whose families didn't know their plight. They didn't tell their children...or their parents...??? Families are suppose to help! I would take in my family members and I know they would take me in--or help in any way they could. That was so sad for me to see. I know it is hard for people to lean on others, but really...we're all here for each other. I see no shame in it whatsoever. None.

My mind is everywhere today. I can hear Jason on the phone with someone in his office. After 6pm I usually get irritated. Recently...I'm just appreciative. He works hard and he's doing the best he can. Desperate times require desperate measures. He hasn't slept much recently. Last night was the first time I'd see his eyes that dark in a long time. But--he did say he was feeling a lot better about everything. He'd watched Oprah with me and said we were lucky. Moving here was/is hard--but we have so much for a lot less. We're not "rock stars" living the fast life (like we feel our Chicago friends do)--but we're doing ok. We might get back to the city one day--if not Chicago, maybe outside New York?? Who knows.

(took this picture of Jason in December. Wanted his kids to see how their dad looked at his desk--"back in the day." )

ok...the oscar blog--because i can't let it go.

I saw The Reader. I saw Rachel Getting Married. (I saw them all except Frozen River because I just couldn't get myself to watch it. I knew it would ruin my day.) Anyway, so...Kate wins. I didn't vote for her. Anne Hathaway was awesome and I feel deserved it. As always, the Academy didn't agree with me and gave her a make up oscar. Whatever. Sean Penn won for Milk--thank god. I wept after that movie! Slumdog--I saw twice. It's good, but Oscar winning??? Hmmm. It's no English Patient.

I voted for Heath, he won. good. I voted for Penelope too--but thought it would've been fine had it gone to Marisa for The Wrestler. I guess if Slumdog is going to be best pic, then best dir. would be Danny Boyle, but I voted for Milk's Gus Van Sant. I got the best documentary correct--course Man On Wire was the only one I'd seen. (enjoyed it!) I would've given best score to The Dark Knight, but it wasn't nominated. Damn them. Original screen play--I voted for In Bruges, but Slumdog won again.

My observations--

The bullshit move of ABC to cut to Bradgelina when Jen was up speaking was so...Jerry Springer. It really lacked class and was just low rent.

Thought Hugh was hot...talented...and did a good job. I like the singing and dancing. He said, "more SHOW in Showbiz." Yes. I agree...I want to be entertained. I missed the comedian a bit, but he had some fun things to say. He's just so damn nice to look at!

I LOVED the previously winning actors giving out the awards. Really cool to see. It's a great way to welcome someone into their club.

Although I found Ben Stiller hilarious, I knew a lot of people wouldn't get it. I had to call my sister to explain it to her. Yeah...so he's making fun of Whakeen (because no one can pronounce it!!!) Phoenix. I thought it was comedic.

TOO MANY COMMERCIALS! What the hell was up with that??? They'd give out one oscar and then cut to an ad. BS!

Enjoyed Tim Gunn on the red carpet, but no one else. E! is such crap...and embarrassing to watch.

It must be something to be Meryl Streep. Really.

I hope more movies come out next year that are worth nominations. Spread out the love. We need more movies showcased!

some down time!

You'd think being unemployed would mean I'd always have down time...and normally that's true. However, I had my first guest! Dustin flew in from Chicago for Oscar weekend last Thursday. We headed over to Niagara Fall--which were FREEZING!! Beautiful though, really. The ice added a fantastical effect. Then we had a whirlwind trip to NYC to visit my old high school friend Jeremy Dewey. I'd never been to Brooklyn before and it was really very cool. We walked around his neighborhood and as always, I imagined if I lived there. Dustin and I had traveled to NYC 9 years ago in May. This was our anniversary trip! We watched the video I'd taped when we got home. 9 years ago...I looked good! Cute pig tails with a NY Jets hat on...strolling through Greenwich Village. That was the trip that spurred on my move to Chicago. Life changing...huh, guess you never know how experiences will shape your life. I think traveling is good for the soul. It gives you such great perspective! I love to visit places I've been before, but seeing new things is what really inspires me. There is a comfort in going to all the old spots--Strawberry Fields...The Dakota...Times Square, etc. But I really loved taking the subway to Brooklyn--eating at a neighborhood bbq place and just enjoying seeing how other people live their lives. Dewey is great...very laid back and sweet. He just keeps trudging into new territory and seeing where it leads. I love the adventure in him.

It was great to have Dustin around. We relaxed on Sunday--watched The Oscars. I wanted Anne Hathaway to win, but Kate Winslet did. That's fine. We saw The Reader...it was just ok. Sean Penn won for Milk and that was my big one, so I was happy. Dustin hadn't seen Slumdog (won for best pic), so we saw it Monday night at The Little Theatre downtown. He really liked that area. I took him around the neighborhoods Jason and I think about living. He couldn't believe how big the houses were at the cost. We like looking around at this point, but are not in a position to buy...mentally. One day.

I've been into memoirs for quite a while now and am now reading the journals of Sylvia Plath that Ted Hughes had published. I'm really enjoying it. I know that there will be some dark parts, but I haven't hit them yet. Right now, she's still 18 and talking about school. I've already out lived her. She died at 31. It's hard to imagine what her mindset was. (Well, not too hard to connect to that, but not somewhere I want to go.)

I'm feeling good today. The sun is shining and that just does me wonders. It's 44 degrees out. (a heat wave!)

I think the 5 days of constant talking and venting was healthy and helpful! I feel renewed. Hopefully he enjoyed it as much.

The picture is of Jeremy Dewey, Dustin and me at The Coffee Shop where we ate brunch on Saturday morning. (It's right off of Union Square)

Something's comin', I don't know what it is, but it's going to be great! ...

I couldn't sleep last night. I was up from 2-5 I think. I haven't done that in years. My mind just kept buzzing about. I was laying in bed thinking about the women I admire...some I've just recently come back into contact with through Facebook. The creativity just flows through them and they trudge forward into new territory. I love it. It actually inspires me to see what all they're doing and makes me think about what projects I might be interested in starting. (That kept me up as well.) My friend Leslie's photography really gets to me. I'm entranced! It's actually the first thing in a long time to really start me thinking. Jason woke up and asked if I was still thinking about it... I love to see people create. She's always been a motivator for me. In college, she literally changed my direction by getting me into new groups on campus. Yet another woman who has really helped me to find what I could really do.

Dustin comes on Thursday. My first friend to visit! I'm so excited I could bust. (YET another reason I couldn't sleep!!) We're off to NYC on Friday morning. We're driving to Albany and taking the train. We'll meet up with my pal Jeremy and spend the evening with him roaming about. We catch the train back the next afternoon. A very speedy trip. Most likely we'll walk through Central Park and Times Square...and duck into the Metropolitan. I hope the weather is in our favor. The last time we were together there, we didn't take any pictures with both of us in the frame. This time the tripod will be in tow. Another observation...some of the closest friends in my life I have very few pictures with.

Just talked with Amanda and talked through a fabulous idea! I'm going to work on the specifics now. Finally! Something to put my energy towards besides what recipes to try.

I'll explain more soon.

thoughts while dinner's in the oven.

I've become obsessed with cleaning--which is annoying. I think it has to do with the fact that I can SEE my productivity if everything is in its place. I used to find perfection boring...not creative. Now, I think I need a clean space to think. My head is messy and if I look around and see a mess, I become paralyzed. It's tiring--and may just be manic.

The Hallmark holiday was...interesting. It started out very...Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf and ended up with diamond earrings and a warm bed. I've been under appreciating, taking for granted and taking up space in my head--alone. Marriage is sometimes hard for me. Not because of him at all, just because of me. I am too distant at times. I'm also too wrapped up in my own thoughts. I told him that I just need to say what I'm thinking instead of keeping it all to myself. I think appreciative things...and hot things...and loving things--but I forget to say them. He's kinder than I am...or rather, he shows his kindness towards me more frequently. I'll figure this out.

He worries that I don't do enough things that I'm passionate about. He worries that I'll lose myself in a corporate job. I think he sees things in me that need to come out and they haven't yet. That's inspiring.

I know he's right. I feel like an old rusty spring is wound to the point where it's just about to give...and when I sit for too long, I can't even touch my ear to each shoulder--or my chin to my chest. It's too tight.

I'll be honest here--because I've been thinking about it and I just want to throw it out there. Christianity makes me feel like I'm choking sometimes. Not that I frequent church, I don't. We rarely go unless family wants us to. But my family talks about it with us. I'm just not sure about it all. I'm wondering seriously about Buddhism. I've been looking at the books in my bookshelf that would give me some insight and I'm almost afraid to open them. Do I really want to set myself apart in another way?? It seems lonely at times right now. But something is missing.

from No More Masks...

For Witches

today
I lost my temper.

temper, when one talks of metal
means strong,
perfect.

temper, for humans,
means angry
irrational
bad

today I found my temper.
I said,
you step on my head
for 27 years you step on my head
and though I have been trained
to excuse you for your inevitable
clumsiness
today i think
I prefer my head to your clumsiness

today I began
to find
myself.

tomorrow
perhaps I will begin
to find
you.

-Susan Sutheim
(1969)

It's about time

I've been avoiding this blog...but I think about it every day.

I turned 34 yesterday. Jason seemed like he felt he needed to cheer me up. I wasn't down...I just felt as if I was quietly watching time pass. I made my grandmother's cake and ate on her plates as if to magically feel her next to me. All day I longed to talk to her. Then, in reviewing the pictures Jason took last night of me by my cake all lit up...I noticed that two pictures of her are in the bookcase (to my left) were in the background. My late friend Carrie (in the white frame to my right) seemed to be sitting right by my side as well. I may be reading into it, but there's something about it that extends past the image.

In my head I see a sun dial...and I watch the shadow change--my birthdays seem to be different shadows slowly passing by. The brighter the sun, the easier it is to see the time pass. The winter is hard. It seems to blend all time together and I lose track. I've always hated having my birthday in the dead of it. I suffer from seasonal affective disorder--as so many of us do. I need to start taking vitamin d on a regular basis. That and fish oil. These are things I never thought of when I was young.

I'm going on 4 months of unemployment. I believe I've gone that long before, but I can't remember. It certainly seems longer than the past. I wish I was going through some metamorphosis of some kind. Like any day now I'd become more beautiful than ever...and could fly away. I'm not looking to escape however...but maybe evolve into something else. I was talking to Kelly today about what I could do--what I could create or what I'd want to create. I have this feeling that I'm capable of doing something amazing...like I'm MEANT to do something...yet, I don't know what it is. Does everyone feel that way? I do feel that I'm meant to create. I feel strongly about that. And that creation will bring people together.

I recently saw MILK. Sean Penn was ...transformed. I looked closely at his face...his eyes...nothing was Sean anymore...it was Harvey. It's really amazing. I cried at the end. The movie is heartbreaking, yet inspiring. He says in the movie, "I'm 40 and I haven't done anything in my life...." So many though find their way later in life. I seek out stories like that. I feel we all want to know what's possible and that time hasn't robbed us of anything.

It's going to happen. Though I can't motivate myself to blog every day even though I say I will...I will somehow find this THING I'm suppose to do. I know it. Maybe when I'm 50 or so. I read May Sarton's journals--as she writes in her 70s and 80s...she just amazing. It's the woman's voice that really speaks to me. On Sunday, I picked up a book for poetry--the original edition "No More Masks--An Anthology of Poems by Women." Kortney introduced me to the revised edition years ago. Every woman should try to find a copy and read it. It was first published in '73 and it really has some fiercely moving ideas and thoughts in it. There is a poem "Bitch" where the writer refers to her inner self when she comes in contact with an old lover--the entire poem is her working through the moment of the encounter. Great stuff. There are 87 contributing women poets in it. Some are well known, like Sylvia Plath...but some were previously unpublished. Go get it. No More Masks--edited with an introduction by Florence Howe. If you don't find a single poem that you relate to or that changes you...I'd be surprised.

After days of endless clouds blanketing the sun...it finally shines today.

Beautiful.

Today, I went to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Jason is gone and I needed to get out of the house since yesterday I seemed a bit down and laid around all day waiting on something to happen. I found a theatre that had stadium seating. I'd never been there before, but the usual theatre I go to has horrible seats and I knew that I'd be sitting for close to 3 hours. I thought I'd be alone, but at the last minute, a man came in and sat a few rows behind me. The movie was captivating. I love going alone. I love just sitting and not worrying if the person next to me is having a good time. I didn't even think about the time. The story gulped me up and I was just entranced. There's something about Brad that has you waiting on him to be beautiful. It doesn't come for quite some time, but when he finally hits the screen in all of his current glory, it's like a breath of fresh air. I forgot he was Brad...the actor, but I was fully aware of his face and was happy to see it. Cate was beautiful throughout. It was easier to see her age. When Brad and Cate "meet in the middle" of life and start their affair...I realized that I'm at that stage right now in my life. Jason and I will probably never look better. I often stare at him...he's so beautiful to me. I realize I will watch him age...his face will start to wrinkle and his back will begin to bend. I decided to print out as many pictures of him and put them into a book. I just want to remember this time in our lives...I want to remember us as young people. When I see pictures of my parents when they were younger, it's surreal to me. Seeing my father in black and white...with no lines around his eyes...there's just something about it that makes me feel as if I missed something. Our memories of people are all we have. Pictures capture a single moment in time you'll never see again. It's magical in a way. One day, Jason's children will laugh at his beard or his goofy smile. But when they see the pictures again as adults, they will realize he was young once...just like them and they will instantly feel a connection with him they didn't have before.

I cried at 3 separate occasions in the movie. It was heartbreaking to a point. But it also was so moving...the realizations you have about life. The fact that you are never too old (or too young) to start over...or to just start in general. I loved it. I wonder if the man behind me liked it. When the credits rolled, I stretched and slowly exited the theatre. I looked back to see him gathering his coat. We'd witnessed this wonderful story this afternoon --just the two of us. I felt oddly bonded to him.

There something about having the movie experience alone that is almost spiritual. That may sound nuts...but for a girl who rarely finds herself in church, it seems very close to the same experience. I've learned to be one of my best friends. As long as there is a movie theatre...I'm never lonely or alone.

a lazy shade of winter

So, I've been back from the holiday for a week or so but I haven't written. I wouldn't do well with writing deadlines would I? Or, maybe deadlines are exactly what I need. What I need, is a job. And, I've looked...and updated and posted...and nothing. I'm not watching paint dry, but I'm certainly not feeling that I'm growing during this time either. I'm frustrated, more with myself than with the economy. Being home was good for the soul. It showed me a lot about myself and about what my life is now. My life is me and Jason...and New York. I'm very friend oriented...I've been framing my friends' faces to keep them around me in each room. Not having any actual friends here is ok for now. I signed up for a Meet-up event on Saturday night. We're going to the movies!! And we will meet people! I'm going to put an reminder on the fridge. (the last time, I forgot about it.) It's time. We need to talk to some other New Yorkers.

We're doing well...I'm not trying to be in another room just to get away from him yet. Actually, I feel closer to him. We're a team...and we're getting through this together. Spring will help. The snow keeps me inside more than it should. I'm embarrassed at my lack of motivation to do do do!! I'm a creature of the sun...and it needs to be out in order for me to get the desire to run around outside. I'm just going to have to learn to accept some things. All of the little people that I want to see grow up...I'm just going to have to see in pictures. I need to give up the pull towards KS and wanting to see every stage. It's sad to me. My siblings and friends have these adorable little people who look like them and I want them to know me. I may have to just be someone who they know they can lean on...someone they can call later in life to get away from their own family. I wish I had that now. I want someone to visit who is all mine. It's selfish, I know. I'd love to have a friend who pointed me in the right direction in my life and told me to go! I'm still struggling with my true North. There is more to life than a clean apartment. There's more than paying your bills on time and being a good citizen. There's also more than having children. But...what is it??

In my dream world, it's in the traveling, the writing, the painting, the arts, the music and the love (sex). I want to take my picture, put it into Picasa and saturate myself with color. That's how I want to feel. Saturated.

I keep writing as a someone who is searching for something.

If only I could just click my heels.

I'm laying on our bed reading Carrie Fisher's book while Legends of the Fall plays on Oxygen. Both tales of women who lived lives of extreme pain. (Of course, one is fiction.)

I can see outside...it's dark, rainy and windy. Just up the hill ,there is a lit Christmas tree. I can see the lights changing colors from red, to blue to green. It's comforting.

I'm still struggling a bit with the idea of my flight. I thought I'd gotten over it, but today I've been anxiety stricken- thinking about it all day. I bring it on myself. I'm perfectly aware of that. I keep staring out the window at those lights...just wanting to be home with family-knowing I have a long trip to get there. I keep thinking about being in my house...hugging my mom...getting little hugs and kisses from Kendra, Derek and Mac. It'll be fine. There are so many I'm seeing...so much to look forward to. I'm angry that I'm not more excited...but spend my time being petrified.

Over the weekend we drove to Skaneateles to see their Dicken's Christmas. The town dresses in Dicken's costumes and wander the little town carolling. It's fun to see. It was freezing out...I didn't bring my heavy coat, believing the weatherman who told me it would be 50 degrees. When that wind hit us...I bet it was below freezing. Jason gave me his coat being the gentleman that he is. We spent the day trying to get pictures all over town, but ended up getting too cold. We ducked into coffee shops and bookstores to get warm again. I bought an ornament and a snow globe to remember the day.

It seems like the days are so short. Even though I fill it with housework and reading (and napping)...it gets dark sooner than I would like it. Time is going so quickly. I'm not sure why I want it to slow down...but I do. It's a precious thing...it bothers me to spend so long in doors, not busy and waiting. (Not sure what I'm waiting for)

Jason just came in and closed the blinds so that people outside couldn't see me. I should have asked him to leave them open. Maybe the tree could see me...and wished it was out of the cold.

But as long as you love me so...

I feel like every year around Christmas time I try so hard to capture the feelings I had when I was a child. It wasn't the presents I remember...but I remember the feeling I had in our house. Although I had many great Christmases post divorce...the pre-divorce Christmases are very vivid to me still. I was 6 and under. I loved having all the family in one place. Remembering my grandparents carries that feeling for me as well. Just thinking of them makes me feel homesick. To grandparents, you're perfect. It's such a great, unconditional love. It's really not the same now that they are gone. Looking at old pictures where they are all together (even when I hadn't been born yet) is like seeing pictures of movie stars. There's something about them...and the fact that they were all together. (This is probably lost on those who are used to their grandparents all being together--I didn't know that after age 7.)

I have no idea how many times the entire family was able to gather (could I be imagining that it actually happened?), but what a great feeling to have everyone that made up your world under the same roof. I don't remember fighting or anything like that. Everyone seemed to adore each other. They were all funny and smart and smiling. (Remember, this is through the eyes of a child.)

I remember the feeling of it all. Watching old movies can bring it back as well. Something in the technicolors...the same ones that are in the old pictures we have in albums. The house was full of laughter, lights and cookies! Whenever you walked into a room, people were so happy to see you. Every thing you did was funny and fantastic. And you were surrounded by people who just wanted you to be happy...and spoiled. The house never looked better with all of the lights and all of the people filling it. Every decoration held a memory. Records played Barbra Streisand and John Denver. And you didn't have school to boot! I know I am putting a big gold ribbon around the memories and am making them more magical than they were. (I'm great at that!!) Yet, it is magical for kids. I am very aware that the kids I'm around this year will remember this time. They will remember not what you get them, but how you made them feel. (Though, they won't realize that until they are older.)

I miss so many people around this time of year. I've been loved a lot in my life. I can't wait to be around it all again. Having Jason with me...making these memories...it's what it's about to me. Someday, it may be about more, but now...I'm content. What I wouldn't give so that he could've met my grandparents. I feel very at ease with it all knowing they would've loved him.

We have a few weeks to go here, but I'm sitting in my apt thinking about it all...with my decorated tree glowing and the holiday music playing--trying desperately to soak in my memories so long I begin to get pruny. I hope my grandparents are all still together...looking down on all of us. I feel they are. I miss them so much I almost can't stand it.

I wish you all wonderful memories of togetherness and love. Hold those little ones close--be it your own children or your nieces and nephews...or the little ones of friends. They will remember how you loved them and you will burn yourself a place in their memories forever.

Let it snow.

Today's Headlines

I get up every morning and watch The Today Show. This morning I watched Carrie Fisher talk about her new book, "Wishful Drinking." She talked very openly about her life, etc. I might go get that book. She has such a sense of humor about things. I lose that sometimes and need to tap into that more. She seemed awfully manic however...which struck me a little. She talked about her bi-polar disorder and how she isn't ashamed of it. The more I think about it, I really think I was misdiagnosed. Or, maybe I was bi-polar, but it was induced by all of the medication. Now that I don't take anything...I feel fine. I'm not against medication, but taking 8 pills a day like I used to just isn't good for you. I shudder at that time of my life...and no one could tell me any differently. Yuck.

Jay Leno is going prime time. Hmmm...I wonder if Conan is pissed. He is leaving his chair there for Conan...what a guy. It seems so close to Rosie's new show! I wonder if she thinks the same thing. I haven't seen any commercials for her show...I wonder if it bombed?

A new sex survey for women says that most women feel their sexiest at age 34. I feel that by next year, I'll feel sexier...but at 33, I have a little bit to go. In our 20s...women avg sex 10.4 times a month and in our 30s, we avg. sex 4.4 times a month. What is the .4? (I would say that statistic is accurate pretty much...at least for me.)

I emailed Dustin today about The Oscar's. They will be held on Feb. 22nd. Since we've been friends, we've only spent 1 Oscar's away from each other. (I was laid up in the hospital and didn't stay awake past the opening remarks--who could blame him??) I'm hoping we'll spend this year together. I'd love it if he flew here. Though we're further from the actual ceremony, we'd be closer to NYC...for whatever that's worth. I haven't seen many films I feel will be nominated, but they'll be coming out starting this weekend! I need something to do today and wondered if I should go see Twilight (don't judge) ...but will save the $$ for MILK.

It's snowing here. It's so nice when you don't have to go anywhere. Jason leaves tonight for Albany. I hate that. He seems like he goes and goes and goes. I'm looking forward to the holiday...just to make him sit in an chair all day and eat food...maybe drifting into sleep--that will be a great sight. (He can join my dad who will be turning off his hearing aid and sleeping to escape all of the screaming grand kids.)

Will I make it to the gym today?? I've gone every day since Saturday. It's been great. My mood has really improved. It's great to get out of the apt and feel that I have something to do. But, today, as I look out into the snow...it may be a day that I spend with Barbra and Robert. Watching The Way We Were reminds me of my mom...and I'm homesick today.

maybe i'll write more later.

Vampires are hot.

The weekend was a nice one. Jason came home from CA on Friday morning--the red eye and then proceeded to sleep until 3:30. I flew the red eye once from San Fran to Chicago a few years ago and man, it destroyed me for the day. I suppose had I flown there on it, I would've fared better, but knowing I was flying back to work--I was a bit of a brat to my companion. Saturday, we got out and went to the YMCA. It's huge! It's surrounded by trees and is a really nice facility. I finally decided I needed somewhere to go each day. Why not get healthy while I'm not doing anything else. heheh. Plus, I thought it would help my mood. The serotonin levels needed a boost.

We also finally made it to a movie--after I pried Jason away from a football game. We went to see Australia. Jason had some issues with it. He had no idea it was a Baz Luhrmann film and felt it was a little predictable and larger than life. Ummm...of course it is. It's really beautiful, very romantic (unrealistically so) and a bit of a throw back to old Hollywood movies. It took place in 1939--and it might have been a bigger hit had it released back then as well. Yet, Hugh Jackman wouldn't have been in it and that would've been a shame. Baz must be infatuated with him...his shots of Hugh were so amazing, it was laughable. He is too gorgeous, it nuts.

Kendra called over the weekend to say she'd just watched Rocky Horror Picture Show...and she loved it. I have to giggle thinking of Kortney, Toni and I watching it with newspapers over our heads and singing all the songs in 8th grade. Too funny. She also saw Twilight and freaked out about it. I haven't seen it, but recommended The Lost Boys for her vamp fix. She'd never heard of it...how great is that?!! I thought Wendy would have it, but I may have stolen the VHS years ago. So! It's Vamp gifts for Kendra this year! The Lost Boys and Interview with the Vampire. How fun! Gosh, I had such a crush on Jason Patrick and Keifer Sutherland in that movie. Wow...

Control- not just a great Janet Jackson album.

I'm writing without a thing to say. Today is moving very slow for me. I didn't get out of bed until after 10. I did have 2 conversations already, however. So, it wasn't a total sloth move. I've now showered and fixed myself a very strong cup of coffee. I unloaded the dishwasher and got a guilt trip from Meryl that I hadn't made the bed yet. I'll do that when I'm done. She is very judgemental. "Messy bed, messy life." What a little bitch she is. (She's my cat...)

So, I'm just going to write about this because it's been on my mind and why not throw it out to the universe. I've developed a fear of flying recently. I've flown just fine for years, now it's back. I had a very nervous flight this past summer and it seems to have had quite an affect. I have anxiety about getting anxiety, more than fearing the flight itself. I'm not afraid of dying at all. I don't feel the plane will crash. I just don't like the small space and not being able to get up when I want to. The take off is my biggest issue. You have to stay seated and you can't listen to your ipod. I like to escape and the ipod helps me not think about being trapped in my seat. This all seems so ridiculous. Amanda feels it is a loss of control. Yeah, I don't have a lot of control in my life right now...and this is just the last straw! I did get an aisle seat though, so maybe that will help. There is a key to this, I know it. I've started talking to myself about it. (No worries, I'm not answering.) I give myself pep talks about it. I even listed out all the trips I've taken to show myself how many flights where I was just fine!

This sounds nuts. Let's talk about something else.

Yesterday I went to see Four Christmases to get out of the house. There were about 3 sets of older couples and myself. I'm not sure if it was just because I was starved for entertainment, but I laughed a lot. There were a few scenes that had me howling. But, there were also some scenes that went on way too long. I love Vince. He just keeps getting larger it seems, but he's so adorable and has great comedic timing. I thought Reese was fine. She seemed to keep up, but he was definitely leading the way. You can wait for the dvd release, but if you're bored, go see it. If you go in with low expectations, I think you'll be fine. (man, that's a glowing review.)

I really want to go see Australia, but I know Jason wants to see it, so I have to wait. Hugh Jackman is just delicious. I think I could get through a plane ride if maybe he was on one side and Harry Connick Jr. was on the other. They both could take turns singing to me. I do enjoy a man that sings. (This does not include Kevin Bacon--The Bacon Brothers are painful to listen to-they were on Regis and Kelly this morning.)

Today's Goals-

-make the bed
-fold and put away laundry
-figure out where to put the 3 boxes in the kitchen.
-maybe join the YMCA? I need to get out and go somewhere.
-Figure out creative and inexpensive xmas gifts for family. (I'm really thinking of taking a page out of Oprah's book and doing MY favorite things!--just fun and useful stocking stuffers.)
-EXERCISE!!! (this should really help my mood.)
-make myself go grocery shopping. It'd be nice if J came home to food in the house.

I'll be honest in what I get done and let you know.

The Sponge

I'm watching Iconoclasts. This episode is with Stella McCartney + Ed Ruscha. Very cool. I'm tired of being boring. Watching this is so inspiring. I've been so tired lately. Dragging around the weight of unemployment is getting me a bit down. Everyone says to relish in it...take this time to do things for yourself. Thing is, it's just a hard time to really focus on much. I have a hard time with it. Focus, I mean. I told Jason that when I was younger, I felt it was easier on my psyche to not do my best at things so that there was always a rational for the mediocrity. I was mediocre in school, in sports and in writing. I have always been to afraid to give anything my all. That needs to change. It's difficult to always have the woman you want to be in your head and not in reality. I morph to things. I constantly find inspiration in movies and in my friends to somehow create the perfect me. And when I'm alone at night, the awful truth is...I've created a mediocre existence. (Am I a bit depressed tonight? It's possible.) What will I finally find will be worth giving 110%? Children. I feel like I'm waiting on my best self...my mom self. It is always a possibility that that may never happen. I can't wait. I've paused the show. I was driven write a little blog about my non-ambition. I'm not a career person. I'm creative, but don't create. I'm a people person who keeps moving away from anyone she knows. I constantly crave space to grow...but I'm stagnant.

I love to sit and watch others' lives. The movies--that's what that's all about. I observe. I don't do. I change geography because it's the only thing I can control and others can see. See!! I'm interesting! I move to interesting new places! I MUST be interesting!!

I constantly see people I want to be friends with. I want to be friends with Stella McCartney. I've always wanted to surround myself with fascinating people. They are addicting to me. I guess I feel like something will rub off...or that people will wonder if I'm just as cool.

I need to think.


Note added the next day: Wow. Maybe a little hard on myself here. I shouldn't write when I'm so tired. I always seem to get a bit down on myself late at night...esp if Jason isn't here. Today, I decorated the tree and the apt to inject the holiday spirit into my veins. I do feel better. Time to take stock in what all I have to be thankful for.

No more green straws...

I've been hooked on the Starbuck's Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate this season. I can't keep getting it--it's ridiculous. I have such an addictive personality! So, I made a deal with myself. No more Starbuck's until I get a job. What a satisfying drink that will be!! Besides, it's just too much money right now. I realize that I am aiding in the closing of so many Starbuck's--but I'm standing strong. I just got some coffee at Dunkin Donuts this afternoon. It was just over a buck. I'm saving $3 every time I get that instead. That's...umm...around $700 a year I'm saving drinking Dunkin.

This is a short entry, I'm about to take Jason to the airport. He'll be in California until Thursday night. I'm going to decorate the apt and get into the festive spirit!

I'll leave you with a quote from Jason's grandma Stella (which triggered my Starbuck's boycott)--

"It's not what you make, it's what you save." So true!! I've seen so many make a ton of cash, but blow it all with nothing to show for it. She is a GREAT penny pincher and is now living just fine on the money she's saved her entire life.

Plagued with comma splices, I apologize, really.

I started to blog tonight and then I erased all of it. It was depressing. OK, we know I don't have a job--no need to talk about it anymore. I did apply to a few jobs today, we'll see. I also went to the DMV and got a driver's license. In NY, they send it to you in the mail. I practiced my smile in the mirror on the way over (yes, I did...). Then I'm ready for the picture and FLASH--I was completely blinded. The lady showed me three pictures to choose from. (damn, I ended with a preposition.) The flash bulb botch was in the line of sight of my face, so I just chose the last one, it could be awful, I just couldn't tell you. I could see the flash for about 10 mins. I also registered to vote and donated my organs. (Jason's not thrilled with organ donation...he has movie-like situations in his head where they put me out to save 3 people.) I really felt for the lady helping me. She was really emotional because just before she served me, she'd waited on the grandson of a former employee who she'd worked with for 10 years. Her friend had died suddenly of a heart attack last year. She was very teary eyed and told me the whole story of how no one was allowed to take off for the funeral and how horrible she still felt about it. I just stood there and listened. She was obviously needing to talk about it. It's hard to lose someone suddenly. Her friend had passed away in 2000 and she still wasn't over it.

Tonight, I'm ashamed to admit I'm watching Real Housewives of Orange County. Jason loves this show. I literally almost become violent after watching it. The state of the world today...man, I could really go into this, but I can't. Jason likes guilty pleasures and who am I to talk? I'm hooked on Gossip Girl of all shows! It's not much different...just fiction. I usually dig the shows about high school or college. (well, I HATE The Hills...90210...One Tree Hill...) OK, I guess I only liked Dawson's, Felicity and now Gossip Girl. I'd need a little more therapy to really tap into my obsession with those shows. I'll just accept it for it is for now.

I have a young friend on Facebook and I find it so fun to look at the pics of her with all of her friends. They seem to be so fun and intelligent. I grew up in such a small town. Wow, we just really didn't have much to do. It makes me smile to see her having fun. She's grown up into such a beautiful girl...so smart and witty. I'm excited to know her when she turns 30, though I miss the times when she was small enough to sit on my lap. Just looking at her pictures reminds me of so many things. Is it a sign of age that I agree with the saying, "youth is wasted on the young"? George was on to something. I noticed new wrinkles under my eyes today, my hip reminded me it wasn't real and started to wonder about my taste in clothes. To top it all off, I lied about my weight on my license. I don't care.

OK, I'm rambling.

All the ladies in the house, I'm callin' out to ya...

I miss my girlfriends today. All of them. I think it's due to me watching The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants... Ok, so yeah, I have the time to watch random movies. I actually really enjoyed it! It was the sequel, so I was a bit clueless to the original storyline, but the relationships between the girls was enough to keep me entertained. I love women. I love how complicated they are...how they are with their friends...how wise and funny...and how strong they are. As I get older, the girls I've known since grade school/jr high (there are 5 of us that keep in touch) amaze me at the grace in which they're aging. We've all had such turmoil in our lives. Such hardships and such happiness they've all been through. We all struggle with the same things and rejoice in the same things. The greatest strengths in my life has come from knowing them. But not just them...women I've met throughout my life--St. John, Lawrence, Cincinnati, Chicago, Cleveland... I've surrounded myself with a very unique, strong and wise tribe. I've always found women more interesting for some reason. Not that I don't find men amazing as well, but few really blow me out of the water. (I married one that does.) I think it all started with growing up with my mom, her best friend and my sister. That was my network as a kid...they were my foundation. Lessons in love, friendship, ironing, cleaning, boys, self respect, sex, bravery and comedy all came from the women in my life. Women can be caddy...and we can be so much more judgemental of other women than with men. But when you come into contact with a strong girlfriend...one that won't let you get away with anything...one that will cuss out any guy who hurts you...one that will let you cry for days with her...one that makes you laugh through your tears--THAT is a treasure.

I'm emotional today ladies...love you all. I'd love to have a girl's weekend when we invite all of our girlfriends and they invite their girlfriends and we all meet and some resort together--finally meeting our friends' friends. What a great time that would be.

Enjoy each other...

I feel like I just watched Beaches.

Blonde Ambition

Well, I missed a day. I was busy getting blonde. I figure, the best way to have a good conversation is to go to get my hair done. I went down to a very cool part of Rochester-Park Ave- and chatted it up with Kim the hairdresser for about 2 hours. She talked me into getting my hair cut as well...why not! My inspiration was Gwyneth Paltrow in Sliding Doors. My hair pretty much resembles that. I wish other parts of me resembled her as well. Anyway, I mentioned that to Kim and she didn't know the movie. Hmmmm. I find that a lot. I watch too many movies I think. I talked to my friend Angie the other night and she asked me what I wanted to do...career wise. I'm not so much a career gal, but I suppose if I had to choose anything in the world...a movie critic would be at the top. So, as I was in the shower (I do most of my thinking there)--I thought, well, why not! I'll just blog my reviews (along with millions of other bloggers) and keep them for posterity! My future kids could read them if they wanted...or my friends could check there before they head to the theatre. Sounds good. Now, I just need to go see a movie! My friend Paul says that the new Bond wasn't spectacular. Besides, I need to wait for Jason. My netflix que right now is Oklahoma! -- with Hugh Jackman...I love him. He's amazing looking and amazingly talented. I'm a sucker for a dashing man who can sing. I'll try to watch that today...the other is...Miller's Crossing. I haven't seen it yet. I KNOW! It's a Coen brothers' movie from 1990. I'll comment on one of those.

This morning I was on line with a Kodak customer service person (chatting) trying to fix my camera. I think I'm going to have to buy a new chord for it. Shoot. I have all of these great pics and I can't get them onto my computer! I'm not a huge fan of the Kodak share software. Living in Rochester, that's probably a sin. (Home of Kodak)

Anyway, so after getting all blonde, I stopped in a cute little restaurant down the way, Cibon. I had a salad and a diet coke (with lime). I really liked the color of the walls in there. I found it funny that when I sat down, the waitress served me two waters with two sets of menus and then left me alone for 10 minutes. Finally she asked if I wanted a drink while I was waiting. Guess they don't get very many lone diners in there. I'm not sure if that was very interesting, but it was something I thought about all during lunch.

Well, more later...I'm off to Target I think. If I make it out of there with just a camera chord, it will be a miracle.

Kevin Smith lies around constantly...and he's creative!

I haven't stepped outside today. What does that say about me? I purposely don't lay on the couch...it scares me. I get up each morning and take a shower--I have big plans in my head that never pan out. It snowed last night. I don't like the cold. Tomorrow I'm going to Park Ave to become blond...just so I get to talk to people. Colorists have to talk to you, don't they? My first friend will be my colorist. I'm determined to write every day even if it's bullshit. Today...it's bullshit.

I'm now going to put on a coat and walk to the mailbox. I need fresh air. My cat Meryl is starting to look at me like I'm a loser...don't worry, if she starts telling me to kill people, I'll ignore her.

I wish my friends would've had digital cameras back in the day. We had to pack all cool picks into 24 exposures...a lot of crap pics. The Internet I'm afraid would've been a BAD idea for us. Kortney, Toni and I...lip syncing in front of a vhs camera...holy shit...we would've been YouTube'd for sure. The Madonna videos alone would've made us a sensation. But what I would've given for a damn flat iron!!

Restless in Rochester

It's been a month. A few days more actually--since we arrived. Jason is gone this week to Palm Springs for a conference. He reports it's beautiful there...mid 80s. It snowed here today. Big flakes. It didn't snow enough to blanket the ground and make it that awesome quiet outside...you know? Snowy quiet. I love that noise. I'm looking forward to seeing how Rochester celebrates the season. Halloween had skeletons sitting on bushes and big balloon spiders (which scared me) laying on lawns.

We're still adjusting. I'm not too lonely yet. Friends call me constantly and I joined Face Book...which I tried desperately to avoid. (Actually, it isn't bad!) I found myspace to be a bit scary though. It's nice to get back in touch with old friends. I found most of the girls I hung out with in my frosh dorm in college. It's causing a lot of memories to flood over me. I'm so happy to be older. My 30s have been much kinder than my 20s. I definitely have better hair!

I'm going to do my best to start writing again. I've been reading over my old stories in college...wondering where the writer went. Fearing my internal critic has kept me blocked. Fear is a big component in my life still. My fear of flying seems to have come back. It was gone for years and then suddenly this summer, I panicked on a plane. Ever since, even the thought of flying makes me light headed. Two nights ago I read an interview in Vogue with Angelina Jolie. She is my age. I should focus on that, but I do. She became a pilot and flies her own plane. She seems fearless! It's true...I don't fear flying, I fear, fear itself. I'm made a prisoner by my own anxiety. That's no way to live! I'm putting together an illustrated auto biography--things you can do when you're unemployed with no kids!!--and I'm going to cut out a picture of Angelina to remind me to be fearless!

Movie Notes: (random)
Loved Rachel Getting Married- saw it at Little Theatre in downtown Roc. Reminded me so much of Liberty Hall in Lawrence. It smelled the same. I'll be surprised if Ann doesn't get a nomination. I also went to see Changeling. Hmmm...very disturbing. I thought Ang was good, but she's been better. It was hard to watch. I wasn't expecting the violence...I'm fine with violence, just not dealing with children. I'm really wanting to see Happy Go Lucky. I'll report my findings...

more tomorrow.

Yes We Did!

Today, I'm in New York--having moved in October. There's so much newness to discover! I will say, that after last night's events, we are missing Chicago right now. What a great night to be there! I'm sure we would've gathered at the Imparato's and shared it with friends. I'm tired today and emotional...crying randomly at t.v. shows. I'm making chili, cleaning up Jason's office and enjoying the sunshine coming in from the windows. Meryl (our cat) is loving the sun too!

The fall colors are beginning to fade, but some are still hanging on! (This is a pic near the Erie Canal last Sunday.) Crew races were running along the water that day. Very cool. I can't wait until people visit. (Also can't wait to find a job!)

More to come...

to reinvent and begin again...

For the last few years, I've had this overwhelming desire to leave Chicago. (Very similar to my desire to leave Lawrence in 2001.) My 20's were a mess. I was a mess. I'm very surprised I still have friends from that time in my life. I lived with people...good people...who believed in me and tried to help me get back on my feet. When I look back at those times, it's hard for me to be proud of who I was. Living here, it's hard for me to break out of that mess of a person into who I am now. This past weekend I saw friends who spent a lot of time with me during that messy time. I lived with them for a year. Last night, I reverted back to my shock value way of being. Saying things to cause a stir, being ridiculous and feeling like I had to be a certain way. They did not notice it, but this morning as I thought about the night before, I felt embarrassed. I asked Jason if I embarrassed him at all. He said no. He's been the one I've been around the past few years as I've slowly put myself back together, gotten off all medication and grown. I feel healthy now. I've been so slow in the maturation process and have far to go, but I feel like I could be a good friend to people now instead of the bi-polar freak show I used to be. I was sort of fun...but I was unreliable, flirtatious and lazy. I hate that. Now, I would say I feel a bit boring...and I'm afraid of showing that off. My life is balanced and good. It has meaning. I married my friend...a man who really loves me and all the messy parts. I feel sick sometimes when I look over the past several years. I allowed myself to be used, I used others, I was flighty, irresponsible and always played the victim. I was surrounded by strong women though. Interesting. I've always surrounded myself with people I wanted to be like. Living with Lisa and Kelly...women I admired and wanted to closer to. They were so put together and had direction. I had none. I've put off a lot of people I'm sure. Insecurity has a way of showing its head in crazy and dramatic behavior. Now it's hard for me to be around those who remind me of that time--I seem to become that person again. I want to move in order to reinvent myself. I want to come back and visit in my new skin and have them feel proud that they know me. Jason helped me so much to find balance and humility. I've always been an emotional person. I feel a lot. I love my friends but don't show it as I'd like to. Some people are uncomfortable around a lot of emotion. You never know who might shy away from an outpour of love and affection. Fact is, I love my friends here in Chicago and would miss them, but I feel like I can't break out of the old Valerie until I'm out of here. I want to see another part of the country. I want to raise a family. I want to continue to grow into the woman I want to be. There are too many ghosts here. I continually run into memories of foolishness and regret. A crisp new place full of new beginnings sounds perfect. The old times are easier to laugh about when people know you've changed. I'm not sure anyone really knows who I am any more. I'm out here in the burbs living more in the future than in the present. Jason is my constant companion. I see him desperately trying to find a new way of life. He's very cerebral. I'm more emotional. It's a great balance. He loves me and allows me to constantly grow and change without holding me to old ideas and behaviors. I need to take a page out of his book.

I need to find a way to live my life and be proud to talk about it. I need to find a new job, I need to give back to society and I need to find a way to leave a positive impact on those I come into contact with. There are women in my life that I've always admired and idolized. It would be nice to have that effect on someone else.

I could have a film podcast...

2007, a good year for movies. Been hooked on a film podcast that is inspiring me to get back to this blog. (Sceneunseenpodcast.com) Love the fact that podcasts are free entertainment.

Saw all but 4 nominated films this year in all categories. That's either charming or sad.

My top 10 of the year in no particular order:

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
No Country For Old Men (own)
(those are my top two)
Juno
3:10 To Yuma
Ratatouille
The Bourne Ultimatum (own)
Michael Clayton (own)
Sweeney Todd (own)
Black Snake Moan
Zodiac (own)

Honorary Mentions:

There Will Be Blood
Waitress (own)
The Assassination of Jessie James...
A Mighty Heart
Lars and the Real Girl
Margot at the Wedding
Rescue Dawn

Today I put all of my movies into an excel spreadsheet. (again, charming or sad?) We have over 200 titles. Not bad. (though some of the movies are just shit)

I'm watching Darjeeling Limited right now. There's a cool little film before the main flick...with Natalie Portman. Still have a crush on her.

This movie makes me want to take a train. So far...I'm really enjoying this.

I rented 4 movies and bought 4 movies (on sale) last night. On the agenda...

Rented: Things We Lost in the Fire (C), Darjeeling Limited (B+ so far), Eastern Promises (my second attempt), Rescue Dawn (very excited to see)

Bought- Premonition (shit movie, but I enjoyed it for some reason), Zodiac (need to rewatch, I was on heavy medication (hip) when I saw it), Blood Diamond (J loves it) and Bourne Ultimatum.
Next project to Excel the books!

Holidays at the Cinema!

Jason and I had a movie marathon. With the exception of No Country, we saw all of these last weekend. Crazy. We just needed out of the house...and we both love movies. So, some quick thoughts.

I Am Legend- Very quiet, tense, entertaining! I was very nervous through the whole thing...reminded me a bit of 28 Days Later (which I loved). Were there holes? Sure, but I really didn't care at the time.

Charlie Wilson's War- We saw this last (after 3 other movies) so I was a little tired...but I enjoyed it. It was interesting, I learned something. It's worth the ticket, but it'd be the same on dvd as well.

Juno- Loved it!! Great script, loved the characters. It's timely, with little Spears pg now. (I personally don't care about it...there are worse things than being pg at 16) This is the movie to see if you have to see just one.

Sweeney Todd- You have to really enjoy musicals, because this is no exception! It's practically an opera! Lots of singing...lots of gore....lots of entertainment. I loved it, but Jason wasn't so much into it. He at least appreciated the story and thought Johnny did well.

Walk Hard- Dewey Cox Story- Just bad. Not worth the ticket. Not sure where the good reviews came from...but it's not good. We enjoyed Anchorman...but this isn't even close. Plus, FULL FRONTAL nudity...of men...for LONG periods of time! Uhhh...no thanks.

National Treasure: Book of Secrets- It's what you'd expect. It's fun, entertaining, mindless...a good way to spend a couple hours in the movie theatre and away froom the family.

No Country For Old Men- If you enjoy FILM, you will love this movie. If it doesn't win best picture...I'd be surprised. (Course Daniel Day looks like he has a gem on his hands as well) It's captivating...great script, great story...just really amazing.

Need to see Atonement.

Netflix: Just started watching Nip/Tuck. Huh. I can't help but really enjoy it. It's pretty graphic and the story lines are insane...but man, it's addicting! Crazy. Just finished Season 1. Jason can't really stomach it, I don't blame him. It's a serious guilty pleasure.

Wow, does it seem like I don't do anything but watch movies? Yikes. Maybe I should do some book reviews as well. I do read as well... Coming sooon!!

Reviews on:

Born Standing Up
Matrimony
Eat, Pray, Love

11.28.2007

It's gloomy today, unfortunately. It's one of those days where you wouldn't be able to guess the time if you looked outside...it could be early in the morning or late in the afternoon. The trees look cold, missing their leaves and everything just looks blah. Maybe that's why holiday lights help out the season....

Some quick movie reviews, no deep revelations, just quick thoughts...

Enchanted- Very Disney, pretty cute...didn't take itself too seriously. I smiled through the whole thing and though I was accompanied by two grown men instead of my little nieces, they really enjoyed it too. Amy Adams is adorable and makes the movie. (if you like her, check her out in Junebug. GREAT movie!)

August Rush- Kept watching it and thinking, "This should be on the Hallmark channel." It's not a big screen movie...at all.

American Gangster- long...enjoyable...some scenes were pretty harsh, but overall I had a great time watching it. It's sort of like The Departed meets Blow.

Michael Clayton- umm...pretty good, could you wait for dvd? yes.

Dan In Real Life- Great sweater movie...fun to watch, comfortable...and it actually made Steve Carell sexy.

Lions for Lambs- AWFUL. Preachy, tired and felt like it should have been shown in an high school classroom. I was actually embarrassed for the actors...although they acted well, the script didn't give them anything to make it spectacular.

Away From Her (on dvd)- You can't really enjoy this movie, it's heart wrenching, but it's very, very good. Julie Christie is just beautiful...I recommend it, but don't think you're going to feel good afterward.

I would've called you Vid.

What if we had gone to high school together? We were so different. Both of us were well liked, but we definitely hung out with different crowds. Were you quiet? I was pretty loud at times. You were two years younger...so, a sophomore when I was a senior. We weren't in the same clubs or sports...how would we have met? You studied a lot, I didn't. You were known as one of the nicest guys in school...I was voted most flirtatious. Think you would've liked me? I could've learned from you back then, like I do now. I just wish I could go back and observe how you were at 16. I wouldn't have gotten in the way of anything, but I would've said hi to you in the hall-smiled at you in the hall. I think I could've talked you into going to more games. I think I could've made you laugh...maybe take yourself a little less seriously. It's weird, I think we would've been friends. Just friends, but we could've had the potential to be good ones. I think of us in my little town, not in the big one you grew up in. I would've come over to your house to get you to go riding around...you would've resisted, but I would've tricked you into coming. I think you secretly wanted to rebel a little, you just didn't have the right influence. I was a good kid, I hung around good kids. We didn't drink or smoke...we just stayed out too late, mostly talking. Everyone almost always ended up at my house on Saturday nights--after their dates or after spending family time at home. You could've showed up with someone...or most likely, I would've come to get you. You were the type I would've wanted to hang around. Witty, smart, funny, kind and focused. I was anything but focused. You probably would've given me some good advice back then. You have a sense of calm about you...and an overwhelming feeling of "good." I know you were flirty and that maybe you would've at least thrown a look at me at some point. I would've talked to you until late at night about whatever was on my mind...I would've wanted your insight. We would've laid on the high jump mat talking into the wee hours of the morning...laughing and such. I would've signed your yearbook, "I know we'll always talk because how could I not know what you're doing...I can't wait to see all the things you do in your life."

I'm lucky enough to have a front row seat for that now. So I didn't meet you until later...oh well, at least we met. All the rest I can day dream about and wonder...but know this...if we had been high school friends...we'd still be in touch.

This is Halloween!!

Fall does a great job of setting nice bright plant arrangements along the roads making everything just look better. I wish the trees were always these beautiful shades of yellows and reds. I guess we wouldn't appreciate them as much if that were the case. Soon snow will blanket the fields and will make nice decor for the trees. (the slush in the streets I wish we could avoid!)

I'd love to walk through Central Park today...maybe I'd see some hippies running around looking for Donna. (I always think of that...and the little stone bridges.)

If I moved, would I just miss being here? I seem to always want to be somewhere else. I've been that way since I was a little girl. Back then I wanted to live in Scotland. I wanted to be just like James Herriot. Such an odd person to idolize at 7, but his life seemed almost perfect to me. (Google him! He's pretty cool!) Unfortunately when I found out I'd have to be pretty good at math to be a veterinarian, my dreams went down in smoke. When I went to Scotland a few years back I couldn't get over how amazingly green things were. Maybe I'm just really fond of lush bright colors. Growing up in Kansas with long seasons of dark mustards and browns had me yearning for color.

I need to go get a pumpkin. Our deck needs some flickering eyes at night.

10.15.07

This morning I wake up in New York. My cat is banging around in the kitchen searching for something to eat...I forgot to feed her last night. I peel myself off of the hot leather couch (a bed would've been a nice touch) and make way to the cabinets. I find tuna fish, but no can opener. The next best thing is a church key...so I make an aluminum dotted line around the edges and pry it off the best I can. I slice my thumb. I put it in her dish and wrap the last paper towel on the roll around it. I'm pretty sure I don't have any band aids, that would require thinking about what could happen in the future and I'm not good at that. Course, it would also require to learn from mistakes and that hasn't happened either. Walking into my bedroom, I see Nikki laying comfortably in my bed. "It's time to go. It's after 8." She nods and slides out of the sheets onto the floor. "thanks for letting me stay...I'm sure they're at work now." (her parents fight) "Take my bike and get to school." She grabs the key off of the hook and heads down the stairs.

My thumb is bleeding through the paper towel. Shit. I need coffee. I'm too tired to shave today.

It'll take a lot more rain to change this view.

I have a picture on my desk at work of Jason and I dancing a drive-in diner in Cleveland. We're both laughing and looking at each other...I love it. This marriage thing is pretty good. This past weekend we had our final reception with his mother. We're done travelling!! Now we get to settle into things and just relax and enjoy being together. It was a tough summer, but we had to do it our way and I think in the end, everyone knows each other much more than they would if they'd met at a wedding. 4 receptions over 3 states...whew!

Chicago is rainy today. If it were just surrounded by mountains or something, it'd be a better view. Or if the water covered Schaumburg and my window looked out over beautiful blue water with sailboats and seagulls....but the concrete jungle in front of a grey sky makes me long for another part of the country. We'll be taking trips to New York state soon to see if we like it there. It'd be closer to family and to the east coast. Beautiful. Who knows what we'll end up doing...only time will tell. The cool thing is that we're ready to take it all on together. It really helps that we were friends for so long before we were anything else...at times, our friendship stands out more than anything else. He just makes me laugh. I realize we're honeymooners, so I'm still all starry eyed...reading this as an outsider, I might be rolling my eyes about now. Understandable.

Man, I sure could go for a Sonic right now.

Why the hell do they have commercials here if there aren't any close by?!! (Cool thing--there was a Sonic in Colorado that I talked my family into taking me to! A Sonic surrounded by mountains...now THAT'S a view!!!)

Rocky Mountain High.......

Just got back from our second wedding reception in Bailey, Colorado. It was beautiful. I watched my mother and her siblings revisit their childhood...acting like children themselves at times. Everyone laughed and hugged...and they all adored Jason as I knew they would. The geography was something hard for me to leave. The mountains surrounding us, the rushing stream outside our cabin and the smell of pine are all things I could wake up to every day. The little one was in rare form...at 2 1/2, she ruled the roost and made my heart melt a hundred times a day. Watching Jason carry kids on his shoulders up the mountain...man, I can't wait to have children. "Uncle Jason" was a hit and is quickly becoming more popular with all of the kids. (that's ok..he's new...they'll remember me later.)

I'll write more later...time to get off work!!

May 11th

Don't feel like writing too much...except to say that I'm thinking about you today. I realize it should be more on your birthday, but I can't help it. It's been a long time.

Miss you.

Haunted

The people that come in and out of my life haunt me somehow. It's amazing how close you can become with someone and years later, they've disappeared out of your life for one reason or another. It happens to all of us. I remember them all...and I think of them. Friends that I spent every second of the day with...for years...and now we have our own lives. Every person I've met shaped me somehow. Hopefully they all know what they meant to me. Course, we were younger then...and I was not as careful with my sharp tongue. My heart was always softer than my rough exterior. I wish I had the opportunity to say I'm sorry for all of the hurt I've caused. We don't always get to do that. I hope I run into them sometime later in life. Until, I'm haunted by all of them.

Wide Open Spaces

When I drive home from work, I’m starting to see the high school kids at track practice. Warm months remind me of home…growing up and spending my afternoons after school at the track. I wasn’t a track star by any means, but I went out every year to be with all of my friends that were. They all seemed so talented where as I was just sort of there for fun. I loved track meets. I loved cheering for my friends and spending Friday nights under the stars. We’d all huddle together in our hoods…laying on each other’s stomachs and wait for events to be called. We’d swap music. Depeche Mode is BIG track memory for me. I always loved being around my friends. I miss that time of my life. High School is such a bad memory for a lot of people. They were the best years of my life. College had too much drama and heartache. High School was more or less the innocent years…you’ve just found out about love and what it can do. You’re mature enough for some things and still protected from others. All of us were still alive and looking ahead to greater things. At this age, I find myself thinking of those who’ve passed away or that I’ve just lost touch with with a heavy heart. You don’t have time to think about the past, you’re creating it. I miss the summers around home. I hadn’t had enough experience to know all that I was missing out on in the rest of the world. My entire world was in that little town. I learned to love music, boys, movies and my friends there. I miss the warm summer days driving down the country roads and spending evenings under the wide Kansas sky. It’s a strange feeling to have everything in one place. Now, my friends, my family and my heart are all scattered throughout the U.S. I’ve loved a few times since then as well. But I can remember the feelings I used to have. I can almost close my eyes and feel how my heart used to feel back then. It’s great to be able to exercise it that way. It only grows bigger…if you’re doing it right.

I'm smiling as I write this.

I'm lucky to have all of the people I do in my life. I'm lucky I'm completely in love with my fiance who loves me so much. I'm lucky to have such amazing and diverse friends. I'm lucky because I actually like my parents. It feels good to be taken care of and know that people really do care about me. I get to have the wedding I always wanted...amidst water and sun and without stress (that also has Beatles music). I'm just lucky and I'm lucky for so many reasons...I'm just having a moment and wanted to note it. I'm happy and I'm in love and I can't wait to see Jason every day when he gets home...and I'm marrying him. I love that. Life just worked it way out. That's pretty cool.

Tuesday ramblings...

It's been a long time. I have a new hip and I'm just around the house doing nothing and yet I have not blogged. Mom was here for ten days helping, so that was taking up my time. This is my week without anyone constantly. Jason comes home and checks on me a lot and then I have the alone times. Been wrestling with boredom and a mild depression this morning. I think I've whipped it. Man, it's work to try to make yourself feel better. I clean a little...as much as I could and decided I needed to read my Oprah mag and get a book. TV's been ruling my time. It's a gorgeous day out today so I opened all of the windows and am now letting all of the light and fresh air in. That is helping a lot. I've seen a lot of friends while I've been "down." My old roommate Debbie came by the other night. I hadn't seen her in over a year! I did go to see Zodiac with J and Dustin on Sunday night. My first big outing. We were all very scared and disturbed afterwards. To know that it all happened...to know that someone was that cold blooded...it really upset me. It reminded me of how I felt while I was reading In Cold Blood. The family described in the book, the Clutter family, reminded me so much of the Siefkes family back home. Good family, good kids....just good people. The idea of hunting people for a game. I came home and watched an hour of Larry King before I could go to bed. He was covering the release of The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson on dvd. He interviewed one of Johnny's wives, the second, Joanne. She was great. He showed old clips and it made me miss being a kid. I used to be able to stay up and watch Johnny Carson while I was at my grandparents house. If I could see anyone today, I'd like to see them. I just want to be around them again. They always made me feel special. Extra special. I don't know....I just always felt like they really enjoyed me, too. That's an important feeling.

The fresh air is making me feel better. I just wrote an entire paragraph and now it's gone....what happened?? Ugh.

Miss my grandparents today. I wish they lived next door. I'd love to be able to play gin with someone and talk about stuff. A lot of people make me feel special, but they were the first to do so....so well (other than my parents). In a way, they set the bar. That's important. People need to feel loved and respected and they need to feel special. At least I need to.

Going to read Oprah now.

I hope we all try to make those around us feel better just for being around us. That's a great way to be. I'm not like that all of the time, I need to work on that.