Wednesday Night

My mind is not in a healthy place today. Or rather, in the past hour it dipped. I wish I could explain more, but I fear I might be committed.

Jason is staying the night in Owego. Probably better. In these times of chemical off balance, I'd rather be alone. What caused it? I think it was my inability to figure out how to copy a graph from a pdf file into Microsoft Project. I'm suppose to have it done by 10AM tomorrow and I have no idea. I've never even worked in Project. But I'm sure I'll figure it out.

And my husband is irritated that I've decided to take off for the weekend to NYC again. I was there last month. My new co-worker, Michael, lives there--she will eventually move here, but for now, she has a nice house in Brooklyn that she misses and her ride backed out, so I'm taking her. Mostly because I love new experiences...and she's interesting...and I like seeing where people live...and I love NYC...and it's fun to get away. Jason's quarter end is next week, so he'll be busy. Michael says we'll relax. She wants mani's and pedi's (for cheap!), go to see Bus Stop at a local theatre and just enjoy the neighborhood. I was thinking I could hang with Dewey too, but he has yet to contact me. How fun would that be?!!

I also need to be able to look decent in a swimming suit by the end of April. Hmmmm.

Idol is starting soon. It's my saving grace. I'm going to start laundry, put away laundry, clean up the kitchen and swoon over cute Idol boys...and girls, who are we kidding.

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Death Becomes Her

I'm nervous today. Almost like I'm waiting on something to happen. I feel unsettled. I keep driving and wondering if I feel at home. The better question is when is the last time I felt at home. I remember feeling really good in Cincinnati, but that may be because of Lisa and John. They were my family...and it was a comforting environment. I didn't have my crap together then...but I did enjoy my time there. Now, being more "with it" here in Rochester, somehow I find myself trying to get to a certain feeling--like it's a goal. Chicago never felt like home. I have great friends there...I was there for a long time, but I was always moving. I didn't live in the same place for more than year. That's a lot of moving around. Plus, I also had new jobs every year and a half for one reason or the other. Lawrence is probably the closest thing to feeling at home as I could have. St. John is too, but it's different. My house isn't mine anymore...my room isn't there...and I don't really have a set place to be there. I keep trying to feel at home and that doesn't work. I think J and I are both searching for a certain feeling. He still feels that Chicago is his home--though he is feeling more comfortable here. It's hard. We are slowly meeting people, but we don't have good friends here. We are still searching around. It's cold as hell and I don't like to be outside. My apt feels homey. I like being in it...but I still feel like something is missing.

I always think very dark thoughts. What if Jason died...what would I do then? Where would I live....or go? Part of me thinks I'd move back to Lawrence. Jason wasn't there...his ghost wouldn't be following me around--not that that would be a bad thing. Part of me wonders if I'd continue to roam around. Maybe see if Sarah wanted a roommate in Seattle or something. Or, maybe I'd make Dewey have me as a roommate, although he doesn't want one. Or, maybe I'd move overseas. That would be dramatic, but I'm dramatic. I know that immediately, I'd want to be in St. John. I'd still look for something there that I know isn't anymore. The "St. John" feeling. I know there are people who have moved from there that understand what I mean. (Kortney and Becky would know) This is a weird thing to write about.

I know I'm not the only one that constantly thinks about crazy things. How many would come to my funeral. How weird would it be for my family to finally meet some of my friends that she's always heard about. How would it affect each person. I know what it's like to lose a friend...and how it affects me...and how she's constantly around. Not like a haunting...but like she's here and I can see her, but no one else can. I want to talk about her, but now it's like I'm morbid if I bring up her name. I recently found her brother on facebook and I just wanted to talk about her...but I felt like I couldn't because maybe he didn't want to talk about her with me. Interesting that I still haven't used her name. Carrie. I think about her and I wonder if 10 years after my death, others would think of me just as often. I've had her mom's email address for almost a month and I haven't used it. I'm still a bleeding heart sometimes and maybe that's not good for her. I just want to sit and talk about her until she's here in some form.

Maybe this is floating to the top of my mind because I heard about Sylvia Plath's son's suicide. Not that I'm suicidal. It's just---his life is gone. I think about my life being gone. Poof. And Natasha Richardson is gone. Poof. Her kids will grow up without her...and maybe Liam will remarry one day. But, she's gone. Really? People think we don't go anywhere after death? REALLY??! I feel how much energy there is inside me...my thoughts that won't stop, etc--and it's just GONE?

Life is great. But, if we do get to see the people we've lost after we die...the company gets better and better on the other side.

Thrilled.

I received my first award--and although it won't be a headline...it made my morning!! (Thanks so much JEN!!!)

The rules of receiving this award are to share seven things I love, and also tell you about seven blogs I love. Well, I don't follow a ton of blogs--I get bored easily, so I will put down the ones that I do allot time for.

7 Things I love:

1. Movies. --They are a part of my internal make up. I grew up watching everything. My mom wasn't big on "kids movies"--so she took my sister Wendy and me to movies she was interested in. Therefore, I watched a ton of adult movies at a young age. For example, these are the movies that I remember vividly seeing when I was in grade school: The Color Purple (my mom says that I was transfixed by this movie...I didn't talk or move until it was over), Chariots of Fire (I remember being bored out of my mind), Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan (we went to see this...about 8 times I bet--I wanted to BE Tarzan.), Amadeus (just watched it recently and it wasn't as great as I remembered), Out of Africa (learned to love that more as an adult), Gandhi (my mom's fave) and Passage to Indai (I need to rewatch it). I saw movies that I didn't understand, but that pushed me to try. It helped my creative mind flourish I truly believe. She took us as an escape--but never anything inappropriate, more intellectually out of our range. I am a film snob now...and will probably do that to my kids to other mothers' disapproval I'm sure!

2. Naps. I just can't function as a productive, kind person without them. I literally become mean and lose my short term memory.

3. Laughing. I love laughing and definitely radiate towards people who help me do so. A sense of humor is the #1 thing I look for in people. Some of my favorite people are ones that I just love listening to LAUGH!

4. Camping. I love the outdoors. I love being in a tent--the sounds of birds, the tent zipper, the crickets, the late-arriving guests, the murmur of people still up talking around the campfire--coupled with the smell of it! I love the simplicity of it. I love the talks around the fire, in the canoe, on the hike. I love fixing food with everyone. I love that everyone is dirty and no one cares. I love it all--and I miss it with my Chicago buddies...

5. Toddlers. Sweet, loving, blunt, real, excited, funny and ready to learn. Working at a daycare was the best. Walking in and having them all run to me with smiles and hugs--it doesn't get any better.

6. Modern hair styling tools. --is it shallow? Maybe, but growing up with curly, frizzy hair without any de-frizz serum, flat iron or relaxing cremes REALLY scarred me as a kid. My senior pics are hidden and my Jr. High pics are used as my "do you really love me" test. (Jason passed with flying colors.)

7. Modern Medicine. As someone who has had 2 major surgeries already in her life...Ican't imagine what I would've done without it. My hip replacement gave me my life back...and I'm going to count my vision in there too! I think about what it would be like to being blind without glasses and in too much pain to walk--my life just wouldn't have much joy.

7 Blogs I follow:

(I don't have a ton of friends that blog...and I'm all about pop culture!)

1.Ross Matthews--ok, so it's a celebrity blog, but he makes me laugh. He's always in good mood and I find that refreshing. He doesn't do his daily life blog anymore--sadly, but all of his "talky blogs" are still up for people to see at: http://www.youtube.com/rosstheintern

2. Carolyn- Here's one I know. She has one little one and one on the way. She's blunt and funny...and married to a pal of mine from college. I love to follow her thoughts about this and that. http://supercblogs.blogspot.com/

3. Jane Fonda--yes, THE Jane Fonda...she actually helped inspire me to write every day! She's 71, on Broadway and can find the time! I love her. http://janefonda.com/category/my-blog

4. Kelly--Finally a blog to save the world!! She's one of the blogs I follow over on the right hand side! Click and learn!! http://ordinarilygreen.blogspot.com/

5. Lisa--My girlfriend who shows her life through pictures. I miss her, so I love to go see her world. http://lisabrooksc.blogspot.com/

6. Jen- My savior. If ever I were to read a blog and think, "wow, she's like me!" Ok, no, I don't have kids...but our minds are very similar...and she makes me laugh--or remember to laugh. That's important. http://diagnosisurine.blogspot.com/

7. Rosie-- http://www.rosie.com/ --She's VERY real...and her old talky blogs with JAHERO are HILARIOUS!! She has thoughts and she's going to share them. I really enjoy the tough ladies...reminds me to be strong as well.

I don't know how to do that nifty write a word and have it be the link thingy....obviously.

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The Lost Weekend

The morning is moving slowly. I hear the conference calls around me--the world continues to move on, no matter what happens in your life. It's an interesting thing. Well, to me. We all wake up in different realities. Matt Lauer woke up stiff and unable to go to work--having flipped over his handle bars during a bike ride and therefore threw off my Today Show morning. I enjoy his face, it puts me in a good mood. So, I had to settle for Lester Holt, who just isn't as enjoyable. I woke up ready, but tired. The weekend was a nice one. J's mom and sisters came for a visit. It was too crammed. They were here for one day and we felt the need to show them around so much that I feel everyone left more tired than when they arrived. I like the 3rd visit...when people already know what options they have to see and to eat...and everyone can just relax. We have a lot of first visits though before that happens. Until then...I feel the "relaxing" feeling we want to convey of the area will be lost.

I got an email this morning that helped my mood--an invitation for a weekend away from the cold!! Originally a girl weekend, when the husbands got wind, they wanted to go too. So, it looks like a South Beach weekend will occur at the end of April. I can't wait. I've only been to Florida once...when I got married. This time, it will undoubtedly be more relaxing!! We did instruct the men to find something else to do during the day so we can have ample girl talk time by the pool. Sunburned and-- let's face it, tipsy, we will meet them for dinner. Although the sun is starting to become more of a friend than an acquaintance lately, it's still not warm. We'll finally hit 62 by the weekend!

Work is helping me not "think" so much. It's nice...my thoughts are more about problem solving for those around me rather than wondering "is there life out there..." I need variation! It still baffles me what I did for the 5 months I didn't work. Yes,the apartment is decorated and clean and somewhat organized...but it's not like I am any better off than I was. (WHY do I feel the need to beat myself up for not having some huge project completed???) I thought I'd have a stack of books that I'd read, but no. It's just so hard for me to resign myself to reading for long periods of time.

Speaking of books I can't finish--I did see Twilight on Saturday night. Hmmm. Visually, it was something to enjoy--beautiful in parts. Edward was stimulating...to look at, to understand and connect to, it just didn't happen. Bella was just awful. She actually kept me from really enjoying the movie at all. She was dull and lifeless. Overall, a disappointment. I was looking forward to it, too. This makes it even more difficult to find the motivation to finish the book, damn.

I can hear Dolly singing already!

Being at home for the past 5 months and ruling over everything in the apt. has spoiled me for the work place. When I can't find an answer about anything, I almost lose my mind. WHY is there not a contact for my phone issues...fax issues...computer issues?? I want someone to come to my desk and help me...not tutor me over the phone. That's the problem with BIG companies. They are so vast--they have help centers...that you have to call. I miss walking around the office and yelling, "hey...does anyone know how to connect to the wireless around here?" I wanted a smaller office. I can't complain, I have a job. BUT, in the future...I'm all for mom and pop places where people go to lunch together and leave early on Fridays--AND CAN WEAR JEANS on Fridays! I'll get paid less. That's fine. Money takes away just as much happiness as it can give. Jason makes more now than he ever has...but he's tired and constantly feels behind. It's just not good for the soul.

I do have a nice manager. That's huge. I've worked for some crazy creepy people before. Men are easier to work for--but women are easier to work alongside. (In my opinion) I've had some great women managers before...but they are all business. They were probably better at the professionalism aspect. I want someone I can be real with--I'm not the most professional gal. I like to have real connections at work. Jason has found friends at work by luck...but doesn't EVER seek them out. He's all business. He needed me in his life. We can be a good balance.

It's the first day of Spring and it's still damn chilly outside. That pisses me off.

(title ref. 9 to 5)

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RIP

I've been so tired today. Not sure why. I'm not used to getting to bed by 10--I have 5 months of bad habits to break.

I'm saddened by Natasha Richardson's death. I find it somewhat interesting that we feel for people we've never met. My dad was really shaken over Tim Russert's death. We see people on stage and screen and somehow we feel connected to them. I know that when Paul McCartney dies it will be hard. He's been such a constant source of joy in my life. When something like that happens, my mom, sister and I all call each other as if one of our close friends has died. We've gone to the movies our entire lives--it's like we have mutual friends. I actually think about Liam Neeson and how he's doing. Is that weird?

The job is going well. I feel like I'm a house mother. I make sure everyone has what they need, I make sure we have enough coffee, cups, pens, paper, if the printer works, if the scanner works, if the email is up, what desk each person is sitting at, if there are enough cubes for everyone, etc!!! I like it. It's busy...and it makes the day FLY by. Everyone is very nice to me...and they know I have the power to either get things done for them quickly--or not! I'm the Key Master AND the Gate Keeper!

Meryl Streep doesn't feel fabulous.

Ok. The cat is still sick...and she hates me. When I go to get her for her medication she just lets out a low growl. She's never mean, she just wants me to know how uncomfortable she is. I feel awful for her. The apt smells like sick cat...it's not good. "Sick cat" smell is strong urine/blood high in bacteria. Jason will take her back to the vet on Thur morning for more tests.

Today was my first full day. It was successful. I can tell because I'm tired. I came home and watched 3 episodes of The West Wing and called Mackenzie to hear her open her presents! 4 years old today. Ugh. I hate to miss those things. I watched a video yesterday of Kendra turning 4. They all have to grow up. True, we get amazing adults, but I love the babies...and the toddlers a lot. They think you're great...they say what they think and they love you because you are good to them and spend time with them. It's simple. Kendra and Derek are still pretty good with me...they humor my Auntie moments of kissing and hugging too much. I think the fact that I live far away helps. They don't have to deal with it that much! Mandi and Eric's kids barely know me...but I feel we will be good friends in the future when they want vacations! I will be the cool aunt then.

I'm tired and I need to read some Updike before sleep.

Meryl is in by the heater in J's office...curled up, feeling awful. Man...that's really how I spent a lot my college years. I feel for her.

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Blank

My cat is sick. I took her to the vet and she has kidney stones. Poor thing. She's been bleeding for 2 days. I feel bad for her. $300 later, she's home and hiding under our bed. I wish she could talk...not sure that I'd want to hear everything she has to say (she's not a huge fan of me), but to know that she's hurting would be helpful.

Had my first day at work. Just 2 hours...watched a safety video and got my badge. Cute pic! I was exhausted when I got home. I didn't sleep well at all last night. Took a 2 hour nap and now I just feel out of it.

I'm writing so that there's something here, but I'm blank as to what to say...and nothing on my mind is very interesting at this point. My chest feels heavy and I just need to sit and relax a minute.

More tomorrow.

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Religulous

Just watched this "documentary" by Bill Maher. I understand what he's trying to say, but I don't agree at all in which he does it. I don't believe in making people look stupid or feel foolish because of what they believe. He has so many cuts and edits--he basically shows you what he wants to show you. "I'm smarter than all of these people." It's not convincing. It's disrespectful. He interviews the most extreme people...and those who don't represent their religion well. I had a really hard time with that. The point of the entire film was that he wanted people to doubt. That's fine...questioning is a good thing. He also wanted to show how much blood shed there has been over religion. I agreed with him, but that was a small part of the movie. It was frustrating for me to watch. I try to watch things and put myself in others' shoes. How would I react to this had I been "represented" in this movie? I probably wouldn't finish it. He'll lose too many viewers. The fact that he calls it a documentary is a joke. It's just Bill promoting his ideas in whatever ways he can. I didn't learn anything...just that he doesn't believe in God and he wants anyone who does to feel ignorant. Granted...he really chose some very strange people...some real whackos--it was painful to watch actually.

That's not going to reach anyone. At least, it didn't reach me. I already doubt--this just made me lose respect for him...not for those he interviewed.

Am I too sensitive? Could be. Or maybe I've seen too many people try to prove their point by making others feel foolish. I've done this plenty in my life. I guess two hours of looking in the mirror wasn't a positive experience for me.


15 minutes later---

OR! Maybe I should've just watched it with a sense of humor! Geesh! I do take some things too seriously. He is a comic after all...

too much coffee

Ok, so 2 days have passed and I didn't write. It's almost like they slipped by me somehow. I was so proud of myself for writing every day too. Damn. Anyway. I found a job. They found me actually. I start Tuesday. It's an admin/office mgr for the IT group inside of Xerox. I'll know more later...but I think it will suit me just fine.

Today I heard from an old friend. It's amazing how we can lose touch with people--no matter how close you were at one time. I hate that. She and I were super tight through jr. high and high school--even college. She's seen probably the freak Valerie too much...I can imagine losing touch might have had something to do with that. But, today she emailed me and I was thrilled. I struggle with my bonds with people. I've done a great job at keeping up with most people and my best girlfriends I've known most of my life. But there are a few people that slipped--maybe because they wanted to--that haunt me. Are there seasonal friends? I don't like that concept. The people that drift in and out of your life. As soon as I love someone, I just want to hold on to them forever. I think that's why I've tried so hard with my ex boyfriends...well, most of them. I've dated some of my favorite people (with a couple exceptions) and the thought of not knowing them is too much. I have a tendency to hold on to everyone and it is tiring. At times, I hold on too tightly...and I wear myself out. Dustin and I talk about this. He has times where he practically spring cleans his friendships. He takes stock in them and decides who is healthy and who isn't. I think that's good. I should probably do that, but I feel like I was probably one of the unhealthy ones at one point and feel badly about giving up. I've done some pretty shitty things in my day. REALLY. Gosh, it's horrible. I feel badly still. But, you have to let yourself grow and learn. I've forgiven a lot...and have been forgiven. I don't want to be wasted though. I do get tired of ALWAYS being the person to reach out. Some of my friends just aren't good at it and I know this about them. I also know they need me to do it, so I do. I don't want to be forgotten...and I'd love to tell those who've drifted away that I may not talk to them, but I think about them constantly. There are only a couple of people that I've completely CUT OUT of my life and don't care to speak to again. When I'm done, I'm done. But it takes a lot.

I've been sitting here typing for over an hour. I need a shower. I've already been to the store--so I'm accomplished this morning. Now...I need to clean...my body and this apt. (I know...OCD--but the starting of the job will help this!)

More later...I'm manic today.

Anchors Away!

So, this may be a quick post because I'm tired. Had an interview today that went really well. It looks as though I'll get the offer tomorrow. I think it's a good move. It's basically an EA position/office mgr for an IT group that supports Xerox. It's a 10 min commute and my new boss seems very nice. He's overwhelmed...I'm used to dealing with that. It will be nice to help him out.

I came home and cleaned up a bit--then watched The West Wing all day. It was fun to see all the buildings I'd just seen! Also found some old friends on FB. It had been getting on my nerves...but every now and again, FB is so great!! It really has allowed me to find so many people that have been on my mind for years. Very cool.

I'm tired tonight. Not sure why. My emotions got the better of me. Getting job means it's real. Our move is in a final stage. I'll have a day to day engagement I have to keep. I've been floating above this thing we've done. Accepting an offer feels like throwing out the anchor. We're going to sit here for a while...bobbing along...seeing where it all takes us.

On love and other difficulties

Today--I've been tired. I took a shower, but then got right back into my comfy pants and a sweatshirt. Really attractive. The weekend wore me out. It was needed. We both feel that way. J said, he too has had issues concentrating today. We feel rejuvenated emotionally, but physically exhausted. DC was great. Seeing Reva sing again...I actually got choked up. I've known her since she was in jr. high. I love that she's doing what loves. I can tell it's tiring. You see movies about people who soul search and figure out what they want to do...then there's a montage of them painting, writing, whatever--and they look so full of energy and smiley! However, I feel that it must be exhausting. She sang straight pretty much for 2+ hours. She's performing...and playing...and singing...and thinking...and all at the last show of her tour. I'd drop after that. But she came out and talked with those who were so excited to see her. It meant so much for me to be there that I was at a loss for words. I think I described the performance as "good"--how awful!! I felt inspired and in love...and I couldn't come up with a damn thing to say to my old friend. I should have said, "Just seeing you up there fixed something in me that's been broken lately." But I didn't say that. Damn.

Today, I watched Breathless, the french film Dewey recommended to me. It was odd...I'd been reading some Rilke poetry (just last week!) and it was mentioned in the movie. "Rilke believed that every day life got in the way of the love of man and woman..." I'm totally paraphrasing it. But I can see the point there.

Jason and I had a lot of talk time on the road. It was good for us. We've both been struggling with some things and it was good to finally bring them to light. We love and we try...and we laugh. The laughing helps a lot. We're good friends. He's a good friend to me. He does things for me because I need them. Like driving for 15 hours this weekend to go to DC. We stayed with a friend of mine--who I dated in another lifetime, but J was fine with it. P is someone who I have history with and who knows my family...and has allowed me to grow. We only dated a brief time 10 years ago--I was extremely young and impressionable. (It was VERY much like the relationship between Steve Martin and Claire Danes in Shopgirl--but we've grown from that time.) Our friendship has done a lot for me. He's my "escape from the world" person. Many times in my life when I didn't know where else to go, he's allowed me to stay at his place, roam around DC independently and reflect on life. The fact that J is able to understand that is pretty amazing. I'd been feeling trapped lately...but J reminded me that I'm not.

In a way, this weekend was a way for J to see a part of my life that's always been just mine. I usually travel to see people alone--esp P. When Reva sang, we sat apart...just experiencing it alone. He loved it and we listened to her cd over and over on the way back. He just allowed me to do what I needed. The heavy heart I've had for the past few weeks is so much lighter now.

Tomorrow- I'll share some Rilke. I just picked up the book again and am engrossed. More to come.

Soul Cages

I'm just waiting on Jason to say he's ready. I've talked him into a quick road trip to DC to see Reva play. It would be so good to see/hear her. It's been...3 or 4 years since I've seen her last. Jason and I were very new then.

Been in contact with a lot of old friends lately. It's nice. In a way it's like playing connect the dots with your own timeline. People who knew you WAY back when...catching up to know. Seeing how people have matured, what they've seen, what you have in common that you'd have no idea you would! and realizing you still like them. (That's nice.)

Road trips are great. I downloaded a ton of new music. (The new U2 album, some old Doobie Brothers, Pink Floyd, new PASTE mag cds, Sting, Joan Osborne...good stuff!!!) Love it. New music, new terrain, new/old conversations with new revelations.

This weekend should fill my soul tank...it's felt empty lately. Time alone with J, hearing Reva's songs...hearing Paul laugh...it'll be good for me.

I'll have stories to tell when I return.

Naked

My friend Lisa called today to say she was thinking about me. She said she wanted to start making more of an effort to let her friends know she was thinking of them. (Thank God I'm one of those people!)It's been a while since we've talked every day. Years. It's hard for me to answer the phone when I'm in one of my moods. A mood that ruled my life in college and that I'm pretty much sick of. I worry that I don't represent myself well. In fact, it is hard not to want to crawl into a hole when you feel as if you are not where you want to be in your life. Some are able to stroll through each day with ease. When I'm working--even in a creative-killing corporate environment, I allow myself to roll with it. I'm doing other things...thinking constantly about what's in front of me. In times of unemployment, I am given too much time to think--much like in college. (Should've been studying, I realize, but too late now.) I have thoughts I think every day--which bore me, but seem to haunt me. They are surface worries about if there are dishes in the sink, if I see dust that needs disappear, if the floor needs vacuuming, if the apt. looks enough like me. Every day I think that stuff. It's boring. It's the death of my poetic self. When dealing with me, I've always found myself fun to be around...adventurous, ready to do always do something spontaneous and illogical...funny and experimental--but there also lies the dark side. We all have it and for some reason, I always get afraid of showing it off. In college, I relished it and became captive. I can't imagine having wanted to be around it. And in the cases of friendships that I still have from that time, Lisa being one, it is hard when they call and I wonder if it puts them off to hear that certain tone in my voice. My "life is fine, but I'm not fully feeling what I want to feel today or doing all I want to do...I'm living a day that won't have any special meaning to it. It'll be a day that isn't worth journaling about and where I didn't feel as if I stretched my mind at all" tone.

I feel that I must have been born to do something creative and completely self indulgent!! No one is thinking those things...and I'm obsessed over it. And before you think I'm depressed, I'm not. I know when I am chemically off and I'm not. Honestly haven't been for a long time.

I feel comfortable when a friend calls with that certain lost tone in their voice. AH! Someone I can help by listening. When they call and they are happy and all is well, I feel naked and embarrassed as if I have nothing to offer them. I can be happy for them...but what else can I give? When they are ill, or confused, or really questioning something--I feel as if I am good at being that friend. Maybe I should think about that more--career wise. I feel good about myself when I've helped someone go through something that they thought they may have to do alone. Feeling as alone and foolishly dark as I did in college really made me extremely empathetic to those who go through anything. During the time when Carrie was ill, I felt as if I had a gift to be able to comfort her parents and those who were there. I remember Sarah's mom telling me that I should work for hospice. It was one of the kindest things anyone had told me. My mother told me in jr. high that I'd be the type to throw someone in the water, just so I could rescue them out again. Interesting. Maybe back then...but not now.

I meant for this blog to be about friendship...and again, it's become ramblings of someone who has more time to think about herself than anyone else. I'm definitely searching. Blogging helps at least put it out there. I keep looking at my girl friends for answers. How do they live? How are they coping? Do they think these things? Do they struggle too? Am I the only one bad at this?!

History of Herodotus

So...I got the Ebay book in the mail today. I left negative feedback for the seller two days ago. DAMN! I tried to figure out how to fix it, but I couldn't. I emailed the seller and told her why I did so and I would reverse the feedback if she'd open it back up.

The book is so lovely...I feel awful.

Status

So...these are just status reports...because I can't connect thoughts in a nice paragraph today, but I'm writing anyway.

The Shack--didn't go to the book club, but made the decision to read it anyway. Since it would be my first visit--due to my frustration and confusion, I didn't feel it was the right venue for me to show off my charming self.

Jimmy Fallon--watched his 1st and 2nd shows, rough. Hope things get better for him. Not seeing it last if he keeps it up this way.

Shower--I did take one today. (But I do every day.)

Netflix--got in Breathless (a rec from Jeremy Dewey) 1960. I think it's French...it says, "French new wave." I believe JD told me it was...I haven't seen a ton of French films, more German or Spanish. I'm excited!

Mood--difficult day for one who thinks too much. I watched an Oprah episode that blew my mind. It really had me thinking. Our brains form to what they are now pretty much at age 6...so besides learning new things...our personalities are already set. The show was about child neglect. I REALLY recommend you read this story...

http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/oprahshow/20081016-tows-danielle

I know it seems like a downer and you probably won't take the time to read it, but it if doesn't change you in some way or if you don't learn something--well, shouldn't we all take the opportunity to learn something??!! It's shocking.I'm going to put an excerpt below just in case you don't go at all.

"While extreme cases of child neglect may make headlines, Dr. Perry says these examples are just the tip of the iceberg. "Most people don't realize this, but there are twice as many neglected children in the United States as there are physically and sexually abused combined," he says.

Dr. Perry says at least 500,000 children every year are neglected by their caregivers. "It's like a silent epidemic," he says. "From a functional perspective for the developing child, neglect is the absence of necessary stimulation required to build a certain part of the brain so it can function normally."

When a child doesn't get enough stimulation early in life, Dr. Perry says the brain may develop differently. "That changes all kinds of functions, including the ability to form and maintain relationships," he says."

They talked about children spending TONS of time in front of the t.v. and/or video games as negliect and having severe effects as well. My friends call it, "MTV Generation" because we can't stand not being overly stimulated. However, I feel that I really can enjoy silence. I'm not afraid of lack of conversation or noise...but I think that has to do with being comfortable in your own skin. I had time alone as a kid--but I don't feel it was too much time. In fact, I truly feel that the time I spent alone in my room reading made me more independent and comfortable. It was my time with other people that really caused negative affects!!

Tonight--American Idol--because I just can't get enough. Tea. Some deep breaths. Time with Sylvia...

New Lost on tonight!!

Dehydrated

It's been rather a slow day. I woke up when the doorbell rang--our fireplace needed to be fixed. It was good to be forced out of bed, I was tired. Jason had gotten up around 5, if not before and I woke up just around 6. He didn't say goodbye, most likely because he thought I was sleeping. I've been tired all day. I re watched The Oscars and enjoyed it again. I'd also taped Jimmy Fallon's new show--eh. Jimmy Kimmel had the bachelor on, so I watched that. Pretty funny. Yes...today, I was on the couch. I did do some exercises...but that's about all. My thought is that I will be employed soon. Monday is the interview. I've been out a long time! It's weird to fill your day with random things. Having no set schedule isn't good for me, but if you have hope it will be ending soon...it's really not too bad! This week my low key existence isn't bothering me so much.

I looked around Twitter more. What a whole new world! I only have a couple of people following me, but you can follow a lot of people on there! Celebrities. Jane Fonda has one (she turned me on to it really.) Jimmy Fallon, Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher, Steve Martin (I enjoy him), Jimmy Kimmel, Kathy Griffin, John Mayer...it's nuts! Some write their own, others seem to be more fan sites writing for them--I delete those. I'm not sure how long I'll be on it. It takes so much maintenance!

I'm still trying to read The Shack. (I writing this in avoidance in fact.) I read about 40 pages last night. I'm going to buckle down and get it done by tomorrow night! It's moving slowly so far. Since Ronda liked it so much, it can't be bad. I'm really hoping to be moved. I need it.

Why am I so tired? Dustin (and Jason) would say that I'm not drinking enough water. So, that's what I'm going to do after I write this. Pour a glass of water and read. I need to drink a few glasses before dinner. I don't think I had any yesterday. Isn't that awful?! I just don't like it. It's boring to me. I have Crystal Light...maybe I should make that! Is that cheating??

As I look over, I see my Sylvia Plath book...I'd rather jump into that. Why am I struggling so much?? I think it's the religious thing. I don't want to be preached to. I wouldn't say I'm lost in that department...but I would say I'm avoiding the discussion because I don't know what to think. It was forced down my throat at one time--not by my family--but by others. My parents have never forced me into anything. I've always been able to make my own decisions, even if they didn't like them. Dad doesn't talk about religion and Mom has been very open to all religions. Jason reads a lot about a lot of things. He's interested in the discussion...and he's very curious about everything. He questions. I like that. It makes me feel less alone.

I'll let you know what I think.

Update on my Ebay addiction--played $5 dollar fun today. Found a vintage Annie Hall (pictured above) movie poster for $4 and got it. Also...bought "Manhattan" for $6. It was Woody Allen day today...actually, he's been on my mind a lot lately for some reason.

My Monday

-Put out the garbage can/recycle box (figured out it was FREEZING)
-Had to go to the post office to mail off a box and 2 important envelopes.
-Went to the grocery store and got meals for the week.
-Read Jane Fonda's blog
-Decided to create a Twitter account.
-Figured out the Twitter account is useless because none of my friends are on it...I'm just following Jane Fonda, NY Times, NPR and John Mayer. Odd.
-Made "no bake chocolate oatmeal cookies" because I've been craving them.
-Watched The View
-Forced myself to go to the gym because I felt guilty for the no bake cookies.
-Looked around the gym to feel better/worse about myself.
-Got irritated about the numbers pouring into the gym and left after 45 mins.

At least I went. I hate going. I went yesterday, too. A private gym is nicer...but oh well. My other gym had age restriction...you had to be 18 to get in. I don't have kids yet, so I can be grouchy about the herds of screaming kids that dart every direction. Fathers come a lot with them...I'm guessing so he can throw them in the pool and he doesn't have to watch them. (I'm jaded.) I want children...but I don't want them around me while I'm working out. Of course, I don't want anyone around me. I'm extremely anti-social at the gym. Since I hate it there--it only brings out my evil self. (hence, not wanting kids around me.)

I have a book club on Wednesday. They are reading The Shack. Ronda gave me the book over Christmas to read (and return) and I haven't done it yet. I figure, this is my chance. Plus, I've been trying to get into this group for months! I know it's a religious book...or at least that's what I've heard. I'm wondering if it will be difficult for me to read--or if I'll find it inspiring. It seems to be very popular. I didn't do well with the last really popular book everyone told me to read--Twilight. Oh my. That one drove me insane...and the grown women who are freaking out about it??? I don't get it, but I'm having a hard time with that part of myself--the teenage dreamy part. I've read too many memoirs and can't remember what fiction is like. You'd think I'd be ok with it--I love to escape in movies. I've read 200 pages in it and I just didn't go back. I feel like she wrote it with a thesaurus by her side. I'm sure I'll eventually finish it--but I need to wait until I'm ready. Unlike a lot of people, I know when I am going to be able to connect with a book or not. If not, I just stop reading. I move on to the next. I'll read parts of tons of books and not read the whole thing. Do I have a completion issue? A commitment issue? Do I have ADD??

Tonight--the finale to The Bachelor. Yes, I can't read Twilight, but I can watch The Bachelor. Ridiculous!! I won't say I can't wait!! But I will say that I am looking somewhat forward to seeing the end. (Mostly because I get a kick out of Jason's reactions to the show. He loves it.)

I'm off to eat a cookie...and then do some sit ups to counteract it.

the movement you need

I wonder if people think this is about a bowel movement and miss The Beatles lyric...

"the movement you need is on your shoulder." --Hey Jude.

meaning, the power/motivation/love you're looking for is always within a close proximity to you.

random thought.

"Of all men's miseries the bitterest is this: to know so much and to have control over nothing. "

It is possible that lately, I am more prone to irritation. It's not only externally focused. I get equally, if not more, frustrated with myself! Yesterday I was ticked off that I couldn't get the KU game on t.v.--and now realize that I spent a ton of time looking for updates and the final score on the wrong day. It's today!! Embarrassing.

Today my big fight was Ebay based. I bought The History of Herodotus for $10 ($14 with shipping) in January and never received the book. It was such a nice copy too. Printed in 1940, leather bound...ugh. It was a steal!! I sent the money, the person cashed it and no book. I wrote them twice with no response. I finally had to leave negative feedback and opened a case with PayPal. I hate doing stuff like this. Yes, it was only 14 bucks, but I really wanted it. It really sucks. I love Ebay. I have a shopping issue and it is my way of feeding that need without spending a ton like I used to. I let myself spend say, 10-15 bucks...and it makes me so happy! I've bought 3 movies over the past month for $3 a piece!! That rocks. I refuse to buy a dvd for more than $10 now. I'm all over Target's $5 or $10 wall. You can find some real gems!

The History of Herodotus was featured in The English Patient (my favorite movie). Ralph Fiennes' character carries it with him throughout his life. It would've been cool to have.

(The Blog title is a quote from Herodotus)

Sylvia

I just read this:

"Nothing is real except the present, and already I feel the weight of centuries smothering me. Some girl a hundred years ago once lived as I do. And she is dead. I am the present, but I know I , too, will passs. The high moment, the burning flash come and are gone, continuous quicksand. And I don't want to die."

She wrote this at 18 and killed herself at 30. (I wrote 31 in a previous post--didn't realize she hadn't yet had her birthday.)

Just a quick realization. I felt more like this at 20...now at 34, I feel more hope and less like the centuries are smothering me. I live, comforted by those who are around me...and comforted that they will also die like I will. It's too soon for me to write about whether I believe in Heaven or not, but I do have a strong sense that those I've lost, I will see again. At least knowing I share the same fate as the people I love makes dying less scary. I used to lie in bed as a kid and just freak out trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I was going to die one day. I just couldn't figure it out. Life was too big to think it wouldn't always be around me.

What brings people to such a choice? I was preoccupied with death a lot in college...but never got to the point where I could see it as a reality.

Back to reading.

Bravo!

I DVR all of the West Wing reruns on Bravo...and just sit in disbelief. So well written. Just good stuff--and I feel like I learn something when I watch it! I love that. There are good shows that I love to sit and watch because they are entertaining and don't require any thought (American Idol, The Bachelor, Grey's Anatomy) and shows where I actually admire the camera work, the rich colors in the film and the grit!!--The West Wing and Damages.

Off to go out to eat--date night! More on this subject later...

Back from date night. (ate at a new place for us that sets right on the erie canal-very pretty!)

Netflix has totally changed my viewing habits as far as TV goes. I love to get an entire season of a show and just sit doing a marathon. It's a great way to get lost in it. I saw Damages, Dead Like Me (loved it), 24 (seasons 1-4), Weeds and Brothers and Sisters. I tried to rewatch Moonlighting...not as good. I'm really showing how much crap I watch.

But there are so many more options on Netflix that you can't get anywhere else--like The Decalogue-- 10 Polish films based on the 10 Commandments. Fascinating! Mostly, I'll listen to my podcasts and write down all the ones they talk about that I haven't seen. Movies are my hobby. Until I have children, I prefer to spend my time just watching---it's an escape. I'm always looking for an escape.

Thursday

I'm not sure if it's the winter or what, but Jason and I seem to be reading some real gems. He's reading, "Beginner's Guide to Immortality" (Clifford A. Pickover)--hmm. Last night he read two suicide notes from poets that really affected him. It's about the people of the history of the world who have been immortal by being remembered--going against the grain somehow or making contributions to art...or creative works that leave a lasting mark. He's obviously looking for some meaning.

Here is what he read--

1st by Austrailian poet, Adam L. Gordon. He killed himself and left this note, "Life is mostly froth and bubble/ Two things stand like stone/ Kindness is another's trouble/ Courage in your own."

2nd by Robert Lowell. He wrote this to a poet Elizabeth Bishop, " I see us still when we first met...I was brown haired and 30...I was largely invisible to myself, and nothing I knew how to look at. But the fact is we were swimming in our young age, with the water coming down on us, and we were gulping. I can't go on."

I think Jason is wondering about what he does in life...and how it will be remembered. It's hard to feel as if you are giving back to the world when you sit behind a desk all day answering emails. He struggles with it. I struggle with that as well.

I'm no better--I'm reading Sylvia Plath's journals still. I love to read memoirs and such from women. Men's thoughts don't interest me as much--probably because I'm not one. Their minds function differently. I've read a lot of May Sarton's journals as well. I love her. She wrote well into her 70s. Another lady who is starting to write her daily thoughts is Jane Fonda. I found her blog yesterday and have been reading it. (http://janefonda.com/category/my-blog/) She is 71. She looks fabulous. I saw her on The View the other day talking about it. She writes every day and inspires me.

Today's activities have so far included cleaning up the kitchen and tidying up the house...of course. Made myself some grits for lunch. YUM. I wrote down all the bills on the calendar. Downloaded some pictures and sent them out. Watched Damages from last night...love that show. And....tried to urge my Chicago pals to go see Reva tonight in Chicago. I wish I could go. She also inspires me--always has.

Last night was ridiculous. All I wanted was to make some brownies, relax and watch American Idol. (Jason and I love to sit and watch Idol--2 hours of thoughtless bliss.) I read the directions wrong and put in 3 eggs instead of 1. DAMN!!! I ruined them. They are wayyy too cakey now. Jason is eating them. It just infuriates me when I don't do something right. Especially if it has to do with dessert.

After this, I think I'll watch Brideshead Revisited. I got it on Netflix. Sounds like a good afternoon. I glanced over Craigslist...nothing. I'm assuming my interview will be this week--at least they lead me to believe so. I'm just waiting.

Yesterday's Oprah had some shocking stories of "tent cities" all around the U.S. where those who have lost their houses are living! Professional men and women with families that made 6 figs last year have NOTHING. It really threw me--and scared me. The most shocking thing were those whose families didn't know their plight. They didn't tell their children...or their parents...??? Families are suppose to help! I would take in my family members and I know they would take me in--or help in any way they could. That was so sad for me to see. I know it is hard for people to lean on others, but really...we're all here for each other. I see no shame in it whatsoever. None.

My mind is everywhere today. I can hear Jason on the phone with someone in his office. After 6pm I usually get irritated. Recently...I'm just appreciative. He works hard and he's doing the best he can. Desperate times require desperate measures. He hasn't slept much recently. Last night was the first time I'd see his eyes that dark in a long time. But--he did say he was feeling a lot better about everything. He'd watched Oprah with me and said we were lucky. Moving here was/is hard--but we have so much for a lot less. We're not "rock stars" living the fast life (like we feel our Chicago friends do)--but we're doing ok. We might get back to the city one day--if not Chicago, maybe outside New York?? Who knows.

(took this picture of Jason in December. Wanted his kids to see how their dad looked at his desk--"back in the day." )

ok...the oscar blog--because i can't let it go.

I saw The Reader. I saw Rachel Getting Married. (I saw them all except Frozen River because I just couldn't get myself to watch it. I knew it would ruin my day.) Anyway, so...Kate wins. I didn't vote for her. Anne Hathaway was awesome and I feel deserved it. As always, the Academy didn't agree with me and gave her a make up oscar. Whatever. Sean Penn won for Milk--thank god. I wept after that movie! Slumdog--I saw twice. It's good, but Oscar winning??? Hmmm. It's no English Patient.

I voted for Heath, he won. good. I voted for Penelope too--but thought it would've been fine had it gone to Marisa for The Wrestler. I guess if Slumdog is going to be best pic, then best dir. would be Danny Boyle, but I voted for Milk's Gus Van Sant. I got the best documentary correct--course Man On Wire was the only one I'd seen. (enjoyed it!) I would've given best score to The Dark Knight, but it wasn't nominated. Damn them. Original screen play--I voted for In Bruges, but Slumdog won again.

My observations--

The bullshit move of ABC to cut to Bradgelina when Jen was up speaking was so...Jerry Springer. It really lacked class and was just low rent.

Thought Hugh was hot...talented...and did a good job. I like the singing and dancing. He said, "more SHOW in Showbiz." Yes. I agree...I want to be entertained. I missed the comedian a bit, but he had some fun things to say. He's just so damn nice to look at!

I LOVED the previously winning actors giving out the awards. Really cool to see. It's a great way to welcome someone into their club.

Although I found Ben Stiller hilarious, I knew a lot of people wouldn't get it. I had to call my sister to explain it to her. Yeah...so he's making fun of Whakeen (because no one can pronounce it!!!) Phoenix. I thought it was comedic.

TOO MANY COMMERCIALS! What the hell was up with that??? They'd give out one oscar and then cut to an ad. BS!

Enjoyed Tim Gunn on the red carpet, but no one else. E! is such crap...and embarrassing to watch.

It must be something to be Meryl Streep. Really.

I hope more movies come out next year that are worth nominations. Spread out the love. We need more movies showcased!

some down time!

You'd think being unemployed would mean I'd always have down time...and normally that's true. However, I had my first guest! Dustin flew in from Chicago for Oscar weekend last Thursday. We headed over to Niagara Fall--which were FREEZING!! Beautiful though, really. The ice added a fantastical effect. Then we had a whirlwind trip to NYC to visit my old high school friend Jeremy Dewey. I'd never been to Brooklyn before and it was really very cool. We walked around his neighborhood and as always, I imagined if I lived there. Dustin and I had traveled to NYC 9 years ago in May. This was our anniversary trip! We watched the video I'd taped when we got home. 9 years ago...I looked good! Cute pig tails with a NY Jets hat on...strolling through Greenwich Village. That was the trip that spurred on my move to Chicago. Life changing...huh, guess you never know how experiences will shape your life. I think traveling is good for the soul. It gives you such great perspective! I love to visit places I've been before, but seeing new things is what really inspires me. There is a comfort in going to all the old spots--Strawberry Fields...The Dakota...Times Square, etc. But I really loved taking the subway to Brooklyn--eating at a neighborhood bbq place and just enjoying seeing how other people live their lives. Dewey is great...very laid back and sweet. He just keeps trudging into new territory and seeing where it leads. I love the adventure in him.

It was great to have Dustin around. We relaxed on Sunday--watched The Oscars. I wanted Anne Hathaway to win, but Kate Winslet did. That's fine. We saw The Reader...it was just ok. Sean Penn won for Milk and that was my big one, so I was happy. Dustin hadn't seen Slumdog (won for best pic), so we saw it Monday night at The Little Theatre downtown. He really liked that area. I took him around the neighborhoods Jason and I think about living. He couldn't believe how big the houses were at the cost. We like looking around at this point, but are not in a position to buy...mentally. One day.

I've been into memoirs for quite a while now and am now reading the journals of Sylvia Plath that Ted Hughes had published. I'm really enjoying it. I know that there will be some dark parts, but I haven't hit them yet. Right now, she's still 18 and talking about school. I've already out lived her. She died at 31. It's hard to imagine what her mindset was. (Well, not too hard to connect to that, but not somewhere I want to go.)

I'm feeling good today. The sun is shining and that just does me wonders. It's 44 degrees out. (a heat wave!)

I think the 5 days of constant talking and venting was healthy and helpful! I feel renewed. Hopefully he enjoyed it as much.

The picture is of Jeremy Dewey, Dustin and me at The Coffee Shop where we ate brunch on Saturday morning. (It's right off of Union Square)

Something's comin', I don't know what it is, but it's going to be great! ...

I couldn't sleep last night. I was up from 2-5 I think. I haven't done that in years. My mind just kept buzzing about. I was laying in bed thinking about the women I admire...some I've just recently come back into contact with through Facebook. The creativity just flows through them and they trudge forward into new territory. I love it. It actually inspires me to see what all they're doing and makes me think about what projects I might be interested in starting. (That kept me up as well.) My friend Leslie's photography really gets to me. I'm entranced! It's actually the first thing in a long time to really start me thinking. Jason woke up and asked if I was still thinking about it... I love to see people create. She's always been a motivator for me. In college, she literally changed my direction by getting me into new groups on campus. Yet another woman who has really helped me to find what I could really do.

Dustin comes on Thursday. My first friend to visit! I'm so excited I could bust. (YET another reason I couldn't sleep!!) We're off to NYC on Friday morning. We're driving to Albany and taking the train. We'll meet up with my pal Jeremy and spend the evening with him roaming about. We catch the train back the next afternoon. A very speedy trip. Most likely we'll walk through Central Park and Times Square...and duck into the Metropolitan. I hope the weather is in our favor. The last time we were together there, we didn't take any pictures with both of us in the frame. This time the tripod will be in tow. Another observation...some of the closest friends in my life I have very few pictures with.

Just talked with Amanda and talked through a fabulous idea! I'm going to work on the specifics now. Finally! Something to put my energy towards besides what recipes to try.

I'll explain more soon.

thoughts while dinner's in the oven.

I've become obsessed with cleaning--which is annoying. I think it has to do with the fact that I can SEE my productivity if everything is in its place. I used to find perfection boring...not creative. Now, I think I need a clean space to think. My head is messy and if I look around and see a mess, I become paralyzed. It's tiring--and may just be manic.

The Hallmark holiday was...interesting. It started out very...Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf and ended up with diamond earrings and a warm bed. I've been under appreciating, taking for granted and taking up space in my head--alone. Marriage is sometimes hard for me. Not because of him at all, just because of me. I am too distant at times. I'm also too wrapped up in my own thoughts. I told him that I just need to say what I'm thinking instead of keeping it all to myself. I think appreciative things...and hot things...and loving things--but I forget to say them. He's kinder than I am...or rather, he shows his kindness towards me more frequently. I'll figure this out.

He worries that I don't do enough things that I'm passionate about. He worries that I'll lose myself in a corporate job. I think he sees things in me that need to come out and they haven't yet. That's inspiring.

I know he's right. I feel like an old rusty spring is wound to the point where it's just about to give...and when I sit for too long, I can't even touch my ear to each shoulder--or my chin to my chest. It's too tight.

I'll be honest here--because I've been thinking about it and I just want to throw it out there. Christianity makes me feel like I'm choking sometimes. Not that I frequent church, I don't. We rarely go unless family wants us to. But my family talks about it with us. I'm just not sure about it all. I'm wondering seriously about Buddhism. I've been looking at the books in my bookshelf that would give me some insight and I'm almost afraid to open them. Do I really want to set myself apart in another way?? It seems lonely at times right now. But something is missing.

from No More Masks...

For Witches

today
I lost my temper.

temper, when one talks of metal
means strong,
perfect.

temper, for humans,
means angry
irrational
bad

today I found my temper.
I said,
you step on my head
for 27 years you step on my head
and though I have been trained
to excuse you for your inevitable
clumsiness
today i think
I prefer my head to your clumsiness

today I began
to find
myself.

tomorrow
perhaps I will begin
to find
you.

-Susan Sutheim
(1969)

It's about time

I've been avoiding this blog...but I think about it every day.

I turned 34 yesterday. Jason seemed like he felt he needed to cheer me up. I wasn't down...I just felt as if I was quietly watching time pass. I made my grandmother's cake and ate on her plates as if to magically feel her next to me. All day I longed to talk to her. Then, in reviewing the pictures Jason took last night of me by my cake all lit up...I noticed that two pictures of her are in the bookcase (to my left) were in the background. My late friend Carrie (in the white frame to my right) seemed to be sitting right by my side as well. I may be reading into it, but there's something about it that extends past the image.

In my head I see a sun dial...and I watch the shadow change--my birthdays seem to be different shadows slowly passing by. The brighter the sun, the easier it is to see the time pass. The winter is hard. It seems to blend all time together and I lose track. I've always hated having my birthday in the dead of it. I suffer from seasonal affective disorder--as so many of us do. I need to start taking vitamin d on a regular basis. That and fish oil. These are things I never thought of when I was young.

I'm going on 4 months of unemployment. I believe I've gone that long before, but I can't remember. It certainly seems longer than the past. I wish I was going through some metamorphosis of some kind. Like any day now I'd become more beautiful than ever...and could fly away. I'm not looking to escape however...but maybe evolve into something else. I was talking to Kelly today about what I could do--what I could create or what I'd want to create. I have this feeling that I'm capable of doing something amazing...like I'm MEANT to do something...yet, I don't know what it is. Does everyone feel that way? I do feel that I'm meant to create. I feel strongly about that. And that creation will bring people together.

I recently saw MILK. Sean Penn was ...transformed. I looked closely at his face...his eyes...nothing was Sean anymore...it was Harvey. It's really amazing. I cried at the end. The movie is heartbreaking, yet inspiring. He says in the movie, "I'm 40 and I haven't done anything in my life...." So many though find their way later in life. I seek out stories like that. I feel we all want to know what's possible and that time hasn't robbed us of anything.

It's going to happen. Though I can't motivate myself to blog every day even though I say I will...I will somehow find this THING I'm suppose to do. I know it. Maybe when I'm 50 or so. I read May Sarton's journals--as she writes in her 70s and 80s...she just amazing. It's the woman's voice that really speaks to me. On Sunday, I picked up a book for poetry--the original edition "No More Masks--An Anthology of Poems by Women." Kortney introduced me to the revised edition years ago. Every woman should try to find a copy and read it. It was first published in '73 and it really has some fiercely moving ideas and thoughts in it. There is a poem "Bitch" where the writer refers to her inner self when she comes in contact with an old lover--the entire poem is her working through the moment of the encounter. Great stuff. There are 87 contributing women poets in it. Some are well known, like Sylvia Plath...but some were previously unpublished. Go get it. No More Masks--edited with an introduction by Florence Howe. If you don't find a single poem that you relate to or that changes you...I'd be surprised.

After days of endless clouds blanketing the sun...it finally shines today.

Beautiful.

Today, I went to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Jason is gone and I needed to get out of the house since yesterday I seemed a bit down and laid around all day waiting on something to happen. I found a theatre that had stadium seating. I'd never been there before, but the usual theatre I go to has horrible seats and I knew that I'd be sitting for close to 3 hours. I thought I'd be alone, but at the last minute, a man came in and sat a few rows behind me. The movie was captivating. I love going alone. I love just sitting and not worrying if the person next to me is having a good time. I didn't even think about the time. The story gulped me up and I was just entranced. There's something about Brad that has you waiting on him to be beautiful. It doesn't come for quite some time, but when he finally hits the screen in all of his current glory, it's like a breath of fresh air. I forgot he was Brad...the actor, but I was fully aware of his face and was happy to see it. Cate was beautiful throughout. It was easier to see her age. When Brad and Cate "meet in the middle" of life and start their affair...I realized that I'm at that stage right now in my life. Jason and I will probably never look better. I often stare at him...he's so beautiful to me. I realize I will watch him age...his face will start to wrinkle and his back will begin to bend. I decided to print out as many pictures of him and put them into a book. I just want to remember this time in our lives...I want to remember us as young people. When I see pictures of my parents when they were younger, it's surreal to me. Seeing my father in black and white...with no lines around his eyes...there's just something about it that makes me feel as if I missed something. Our memories of people are all we have. Pictures capture a single moment in time you'll never see again. It's magical in a way. One day, Jason's children will laugh at his beard or his goofy smile. But when they see the pictures again as adults, they will realize he was young once...just like them and they will instantly feel a connection with him they didn't have before.

I cried at 3 separate occasions in the movie. It was heartbreaking to a point. But it also was so moving...the realizations you have about life. The fact that you are never too old (or too young) to start over...or to just start in general. I loved it. I wonder if the man behind me liked it. When the credits rolled, I stretched and slowly exited the theatre. I looked back to see him gathering his coat. We'd witnessed this wonderful story this afternoon --just the two of us. I felt oddly bonded to him.

There something about having the movie experience alone that is almost spiritual. That may sound nuts...but for a girl who rarely finds herself in church, it seems very close to the same experience. I've learned to be one of my best friends. As long as there is a movie theatre...I'm never lonely or alone.

a lazy shade of winter

So, I've been back from the holiday for a week or so but I haven't written. I wouldn't do well with writing deadlines would I? Or, maybe deadlines are exactly what I need. What I need, is a job. And, I've looked...and updated and posted...and nothing. I'm not watching paint dry, but I'm certainly not feeling that I'm growing during this time either. I'm frustrated, more with myself than with the economy. Being home was good for the soul. It showed me a lot about myself and about what my life is now. My life is me and Jason...and New York. I'm very friend oriented...I've been framing my friends' faces to keep them around me in each room. Not having any actual friends here is ok for now. I signed up for a Meet-up event on Saturday night. We're going to the movies!! And we will meet people! I'm going to put an reminder on the fridge. (the last time, I forgot about it.) It's time. We need to talk to some other New Yorkers.

We're doing well...I'm not trying to be in another room just to get away from him yet. Actually, I feel closer to him. We're a team...and we're getting through this together. Spring will help. The snow keeps me inside more than it should. I'm embarrassed at my lack of motivation to do do do!! I'm a creature of the sun...and it needs to be out in order for me to get the desire to run around outside. I'm just going to have to learn to accept some things. All of the little people that I want to see grow up...I'm just going to have to see in pictures. I need to give up the pull towards KS and wanting to see every stage. It's sad to me. My siblings and friends have these adorable little people who look like them and I want them to know me. I may have to just be someone who they know they can lean on...someone they can call later in life to get away from their own family. I wish I had that now. I want someone to visit who is all mine. It's selfish, I know. I'd love to have a friend who pointed me in the right direction in my life and told me to go! I'm still struggling with my true North. There is more to life than a clean apartment. There's more than paying your bills on time and being a good citizen. There's also more than having children. But...what is it??

In my dream world, it's in the traveling, the writing, the painting, the arts, the music and the love (sex). I want to take my picture, put it into Picasa and saturate myself with color. That's how I want to feel. Saturated.

I keep writing as a someone who is searching for something.

If only I could just click my heels.

I'm laying on our bed reading Carrie Fisher's book while Legends of the Fall plays on Oxygen. Both tales of women who lived lives of extreme pain. (Of course, one is fiction.)

I can see outside...it's dark, rainy and windy. Just up the hill ,there is a lit Christmas tree. I can see the lights changing colors from red, to blue to green. It's comforting.

I'm still struggling a bit with the idea of my flight. I thought I'd gotten over it, but today I've been anxiety stricken- thinking about it all day. I bring it on myself. I'm perfectly aware of that. I keep staring out the window at those lights...just wanting to be home with family-knowing I have a long trip to get there. I keep thinking about being in my house...hugging my mom...getting little hugs and kisses from Kendra, Derek and Mac. It'll be fine. There are so many I'm seeing...so much to look forward to. I'm angry that I'm not more excited...but spend my time being petrified.

Over the weekend we drove to Skaneateles to see their Dicken's Christmas. The town dresses in Dicken's costumes and wander the little town carolling. It's fun to see. It was freezing out...I didn't bring my heavy coat, believing the weatherman who told me it would be 50 degrees. When that wind hit us...I bet it was below freezing. Jason gave me his coat being the gentleman that he is. We spent the day trying to get pictures all over town, but ended up getting too cold. We ducked into coffee shops and bookstores to get warm again. I bought an ornament and a snow globe to remember the day.

It seems like the days are so short. Even though I fill it with housework and reading (and napping)...it gets dark sooner than I would like it. Time is going so quickly. I'm not sure why I want it to slow down...but I do. It's a precious thing...it bothers me to spend so long in doors, not busy and waiting. (Not sure what I'm waiting for)

Jason just came in and closed the blinds so that people outside couldn't see me. I should have asked him to leave them open. Maybe the tree could see me...and wished it was out of the cold.

But as long as you love me so...

I feel like every year around Christmas time I try so hard to capture the feelings I had when I was a child. It wasn't the presents I remember...but I remember the feeling I had in our house. Although I had many great Christmases post divorce...the pre-divorce Christmases are very vivid to me still. I was 6 and under. I loved having all the family in one place. Remembering my grandparents carries that feeling for me as well. Just thinking of them makes me feel homesick. To grandparents, you're perfect. It's such a great, unconditional love. It's really not the same now that they are gone. Looking at old pictures where they are all together (even when I hadn't been born yet) is like seeing pictures of movie stars. There's something about them...and the fact that they were all together. (This is probably lost on those who are used to their grandparents all being together--I didn't know that after age 7.)

I have no idea how many times the entire family was able to gather (could I be imagining that it actually happened?), but what a great feeling to have everyone that made up your world under the same roof. I don't remember fighting or anything like that. Everyone seemed to adore each other. They were all funny and smart and smiling. (Remember, this is through the eyes of a child.)

I remember the feeling of it all. Watching old movies can bring it back as well. Something in the technicolors...the same ones that are in the old pictures we have in albums. The house was full of laughter, lights and cookies! Whenever you walked into a room, people were so happy to see you. Every thing you did was funny and fantastic. And you were surrounded by people who just wanted you to be happy...and spoiled. The house never looked better with all of the lights and all of the people filling it. Every decoration held a memory. Records played Barbra Streisand and John Denver. And you didn't have school to boot! I know I am putting a big gold ribbon around the memories and am making them more magical than they were. (I'm great at that!!) Yet, it is magical for kids. I am very aware that the kids I'm around this year will remember this time. They will remember not what you get them, but how you made them feel. (Though, they won't realize that until they are older.)

I miss so many people around this time of year. I've been loved a lot in my life. I can't wait to be around it all again. Having Jason with me...making these memories...it's what it's about to me. Someday, it may be about more, but now...I'm content. What I wouldn't give so that he could've met my grandparents. I feel very at ease with it all knowing they would've loved him.

We have a few weeks to go here, but I'm sitting in my apt thinking about it all...with my decorated tree glowing and the holiday music playing--trying desperately to soak in my memories so long I begin to get pruny. I hope my grandparents are all still together...looking down on all of us. I feel they are. I miss them so much I almost can't stand it.

I wish you all wonderful memories of togetherness and love. Hold those little ones close--be it your own children or your nieces and nephews...or the little ones of friends. They will remember how you loved them and you will burn yourself a place in their memories forever.

Let it snow.

Today's Headlines

I get up every morning and watch The Today Show. This morning I watched Carrie Fisher talk about her new book, "Wishful Drinking." She talked very openly about her life, etc. I might go get that book. She has such a sense of humor about things. I lose that sometimes and need to tap into that more. She seemed awfully manic however...which struck me a little. She talked about her bi-polar disorder and how she isn't ashamed of it. The more I think about it, I really think I was misdiagnosed. Or, maybe I was bi-polar, but it was induced by all of the medication. Now that I don't take anything...I feel fine. I'm not against medication, but taking 8 pills a day like I used to just isn't good for you. I shudder at that time of my life...and no one could tell me any differently. Yuck.

Jay Leno is going prime time. Hmmm...I wonder if Conan is pissed. He is leaving his chair there for Conan...what a guy. It seems so close to Rosie's new show! I wonder if she thinks the same thing. I haven't seen any commercials for her show...I wonder if it bombed?

A new sex survey for women says that most women feel their sexiest at age 34. I feel that by next year, I'll feel sexier...but at 33, I have a little bit to go. In our 20s...women avg sex 10.4 times a month and in our 30s, we avg. sex 4.4 times a month. What is the .4? (I would say that statistic is accurate pretty much...at least for me.)

I emailed Dustin today about The Oscar's. They will be held on Feb. 22nd. Since we've been friends, we've only spent 1 Oscar's away from each other. (I was laid up in the hospital and didn't stay awake past the opening remarks--who could blame him??) I'm hoping we'll spend this year together. I'd love it if he flew here. Though we're further from the actual ceremony, we'd be closer to NYC...for whatever that's worth. I haven't seen many films I feel will be nominated, but they'll be coming out starting this weekend! I need something to do today and wondered if I should go see Twilight (don't judge) ...but will save the $$ for MILK.

It's snowing here. It's so nice when you don't have to go anywhere. Jason leaves tonight for Albany. I hate that. He seems like he goes and goes and goes. I'm looking forward to the holiday...just to make him sit in an chair all day and eat food...maybe drifting into sleep--that will be a great sight. (He can join my dad who will be turning off his hearing aid and sleeping to escape all of the screaming grand kids.)

Will I make it to the gym today?? I've gone every day since Saturday. It's been great. My mood has really improved. It's great to get out of the apt and feel that I have something to do. But, today, as I look out into the snow...it may be a day that I spend with Barbra and Robert. Watching The Way We Were reminds me of my mom...and I'm homesick today.

maybe i'll write more later.

Vampires are hot.

The weekend was a nice one. Jason came home from CA on Friday morning--the red eye and then proceeded to sleep until 3:30. I flew the red eye once from San Fran to Chicago a few years ago and man, it destroyed me for the day. I suppose had I flown there on it, I would've fared better, but knowing I was flying back to work--I was a bit of a brat to my companion. Saturday, we got out and went to the YMCA. It's huge! It's surrounded by trees and is a really nice facility. I finally decided I needed somewhere to go each day. Why not get healthy while I'm not doing anything else. heheh. Plus, I thought it would help my mood. The serotonin levels needed a boost.

We also finally made it to a movie--after I pried Jason away from a football game. We went to see Australia. Jason had some issues with it. He had no idea it was a Baz Luhrmann film and felt it was a little predictable and larger than life. Ummm...of course it is. It's really beautiful, very romantic (unrealistically so) and a bit of a throw back to old Hollywood movies. It took place in 1939--and it might have been a bigger hit had it released back then as well. Yet, Hugh Jackman wouldn't have been in it and that would've been a shame. Baz must be infatuated with him...his shots of Hugh were so amazing, it was laughable. He is too gorgeous, it nuts.

Kendra called over the weekend to say she'd just watched Rocky Horror Picture Show...and she loved it. I have to giggle thinking of Kortney, Toni and I watching it with newspapers over our heads and singing all the songs in 8th grade. Too funny. She also saw Twilight and freaked out about it. I haven't seen it, but recommended The Lost Boys for her vamp fix. She'd never heard of it...how great is that?!! I thought Wendy would have it, but I may have stolen the VHS years ago. So! It's Vamp gifts for Kendra this year! The Lost Boys and Interview with the Vampire. How fun! Gosh, I had such a crush on Jason Patrick and Keifer Sutherland in that movie. Wow...

Control- not just a great Janet Jackson album.

I'm writing without a thing to say. Today is moving very slow for me. I didn't get out of bed until after 10. I did have 2 conversations already, however. So, it wasn't a total sloth move. I've now showered and fixed myself a very strong cup of coffee. I unloaded the dishwasher and got a guilt trip from Meryl that I hadn't made the bed yet. I'll do that when I'm done. She is very judgemental. "Messy bed, messy life." What a little bitch she is. (She's my cat...)

So, I'm just going to write about this because it's been on my mind and why not throw it out to the universe. I've developed a fear of flying recently. I've flown just fine for years, now it's back. I had a very nervous flight this past summer and it seems to have had quite an affect. I have anxiety about getting anxiety, more than fearing the flight itself. I'm not afraid of dying at all. I don't feel the plane will crash. I just don't like the small space and not being able to get up when I want to. The take off is my biggest issue. You have to stay seated and you can't listen to your ipod. I like to escape and the ipod helps me not think about being trapped in my seat. This all seems so ridiculous. Amanda feels it is a loss of control. Yeah, I don't have a lot of control in my life right now...and this is just the last straw! I did get an aisle seat though, so maybe that will help. There is a key to this, I know it. I've started talking to myself about it. (No worries, I'm not answering.) I give myself pep talks about it. I even listed out all the trips I've taken to show myself how many flights where I was just fine!

This sounds nuts. Let's talk about something else.

Yesterday I went to see Four Christmases to get out of the house. There were about 3 sets of older couples and myself. I'm not sure if it was just because I was starved for entertainment, but I laughed a lot. There were a few scenes that had me howling. But, there were also some scenes that went on way too long. I love Vince. He just keeps getting larger it seems, but he's so adorable and has great comedic timing. I thought Reese was fine. She seemed to keep up, but he was definitely leading the way. You can wait for the dvd release, but if you're bored, go see it. If you go in with low expectations, I think you'll be fine. (man, that's a glowing review.)

I really want to go see Australia, but I know Jason wants to see it, so I have to wait. Hugh Jackman is just delicious. I think I could get through a plane ride if maybe he was on one side and Harry Connick Jr. was on the other. They both could take turns singing to me. I do enjoy a man that sings. (This does not include Kevin Bacon--The Bacon Brothers are painful to listen to-they were on Regis and Kelly this morning.)

Today's Goals-

-make the bed
-fold and put away laundry
-figure out where to put the 3 boxes in the kitchen.
-maybe join the YMCA? I need to get out and go somewhere.
-Figure out creative and inexpensive xmas gifts for family. (I'm really thinking of taking a page out of Oprah's book and doing MY favorite things!--just fun and useful stocking stuffers.)
-EXERCISE!!! (this should really help my mood.)
-make myself go grocery shopping. It'd be nice if J came home to food in the house.

I'll be honest in what I get done and let you know.

The Sponge

I'm watching Iconoclasts. This episode is with Stella McCartney + Ed Ruscha. Very cool. I'm tired of being boring. Watching this is so inspiring. I've been so tired lately. Dragging around the weight of unemployment is getting me a bit down. Everyone says to relish in it...take this time to do things for yourself. Thing is, it's just a hard time to really focus on much. I have a hard time with it. Focus, I mean. I told Jason that when I was younger, I felt it was easier on my psyche to not do my best at things so that there was always a rational for the mediocrity. I was mediocre in school, in sports and in writing. I have always been to afraid to give anything my all. That needs to change. It's difficult to always have the woman you want to be in your head and not in reality. I morph to things. I constantly find inspiration in movies and in my friends to somehow create the perfect me. And when I'm alone at night, the awful truth is...I've created a mediocre existence. (Am I a bit depressed tonight? It's possible.) What will I finally find will be worth giving 110%? Children. I feel like I'm waiting on my best self...my mom self. It is always a possibility that that may never happen. I can't wait. I've paused the show. I was driven write a little blog about my non-ambition. I'm not a career person. I'm creative, but don't create. I'm a people person who keeps moving away from anyone she knows. I constantly crave space to grow...but I'm stagnant.

I love to sit and watch others' lives. The movies--that's what that's all about. I observe. I don't do. I change geography because it's the only thing I can control and others can see. See!! I'm interesting! I move to interesting new places! I MUST be interesting!!

I constantly see people I want to be friends with. I want to be friends with Stella McCartney. I've always wanted to surround myself with fascinating people. They are addicting to me. I guess I feel like something will rub off...or that people will wonder if I'm just as cool.

I need to think.


Note added the next day: Wow. Maybe a little hard on myself here. I shouldn't write when I'm so tired. I always seem to get a bit down on myself late at night...esp if Jason isn't here. Today, I decorated the tree and the apt to inject the holiday spirit into my veins. I do feel better. Time to take stock in what all I have to be thankful for.

No more green straws...

I've been hooked on the Starbuck's Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate this season. I can't keep getting it--it's ridiculous. I have such an addictive personality! So, I made a deal with myself. No more Starbuck's until I get a job. What a satisfying drink that will be!! Besides, it's just too much money right now. I realize that I am aiding in the closing of so many Starbuck's--but I'm standing strong. I just got some coffee at Dunkin Donuts this afternoon. It was just over a buck. I'm saving $3 every time I get that instead. That's...umm...around $700 a year I'm saving drinking Dunkin.

This is a short entry, I'm about to take Jason to the airport. He'll be in California until Thursday night. I'm going to decorate the apt and get into the festive spirit!

I'll leave you with a quote from Jason's grandma Stella (which triggered my Starbuck's boycott)--

"It's not what you make, it's what you save." So true!! I've seen so many make a ton of cash, but blow it all with nothing to show for it. She is a GREAT penny pincher and is now living just fine on the money she's saved her entire life.