1096 days later...

Today is J and my 3 year anniversary. It seems longer, but not in a bad way. I feel that I've known him all my life. He certainly seems to know me that well. I guess I've known him since 2002. That's 8 years. We had our own lives for a long time. Our "story" is one that is either received with a raised eyebrow or with total acceptance. His roommate, which is how I met him, was my boyfriend for 3 years. T is a nice person, it makes sense that his roommate would be a good person as well. 3 years. (I usually get, "WOW, 3 years! That's quite a long time.!") It was a growing time for me unfortunately. T didn't get the "balanced" Valerie, but he loved me through my ups and downs and there is much to say for that. I believe we meet people during time in our lives that are there to help us through. I fear it was one sided, but hopefully he has some fond memories to look back on.

Jason was the roommate that was always in and out. He kept odd hours and didn't sleep much. He was very kind and a bit awkward but we seemed to have music and movies in common which helped with small talk. For years, we were just acquaintances really. I'd say friends, but that really didn't happen until later on.

After T and I ended--a very long, painful and drawn out process--ugh...Jason and I became roommates. (there is a long story that should be inserted here as to how and why I needed a roommate and how it became him, but I'm trying to make this brief.) I needed a place to stay and he was not really using his place. We both talked it over with T first, who was fine with it. (of course, I don't think he thought we'd get married eventually.) When I moved in, Jason was suppose to be in Alabama for long periods of time. (I'd been getting his mail for him when I spotted the extra room that looked perfect for me.) However, his project ended and he was suddenly around. He was single, I was single--but the T factor was an issue for a while. After weeks of becoming closer friends...talking, laughing and realizing how much we had in common...the spark ignited. We sparked for about 7 months before the L word came into the mix. After that...the rest is history.

We got married on a ship without our families or friends. We seem to always create just enough space for the two of us to grow. We love having people come see us and to spend time with others, but for some reason, we're always out in the world roughing it alone. Now, Z is here...and our world seems complete. I'd say our friendship is the key to everything. Romance can be hard when people are working, tired, dealing with internal issues and just trying to keep up. But, we laugh every day and we love the little world we've created. Marriage is hard. It's just work. Sometimes, it's more work than I thought it would be, but as I talk to people...everyone says that's exactly how it is. At the end of the day, we love each other. He is my partner in this universe and we have this perfect little being that we are raising. Life is good.

Happy Anniversary Honey. Our grandparents, who were married 61 years, each had that 3rd year. There are so many experiences to be had. We are both forever changing and growing...it's cool to see and experience it all. Thank you for trying to make me laugh as much as possible.

Nothing important

We went to Cleveland for the long weekend. And, it was long... Z is teething and wasn't her normally charming self. We are spoiled. My child has been an angel for so long that her cries and frustrations with breaking teeth are met with shock and fatigue. It hasn't been really bad, but it's been more challenging than I'm used to. She's getting her two bottom front teeth. 2 at a time? Gosh. I'm glad I'm no long breast feeding. I see how she bites the bottle and it makes me cringe.

The bags need unpacked, laundry done and things need to get back to normal. I did realize that I'm ready for our vacation. We slept at a hotel last night and it was kind of fun. A break in the cycle. Z had her own bed and crashed pretty well. Getting up and heading down for breakfast that was already made was heavenly. Not having to worry about cleaning up the room, ahhh. Today, I'm tired. Grandma's bed wasn't very comfy and J and I kept waking up at 5am just to chat--that's nice....but makes for very long days. Tonight, I plan on heading to bed after Z and trying to enjoy my big, soft bed.

"I'm still cool, right? Shit, what if I'm not...was I ever???"

I just got back in from mowing the yard. I love doing it. I think it reminds me of childhood. The sound of the motor, the smell of grass and feeling accomplished when you are done. I used to mow my grandpa's yard. He had a riding mower. I wasn't good at it, I was lazy when I did it, but he let me do it every week anyway. He paid me for it. In fact, mowing his yard my senior year allowed me to go on the senior ski trip. He loved to find reasons to give to me. He used to sit out on the patio and watch. When I was done, we'd throw all of the clippings in grass trailer and take them to the dump. Grandma would go along when we did this. I'd jump in the back with a pitchfork and throw them into the hole in the ground. It's amazing how this memory, boring to most, is something I treasure. Jason occasionally shoots video of me mowing or weed whacking--I think he thinks I'm a rare breed. He says it's the Kansas in me. I think it's just me trying to hold on to any kind of memory trigger I can. Also, it's one of the ways I can exercise. I'm trying to get back some resemblance of my former body. It will never be the way it was, I'm ok with that. AS long as I can fit comfortably into my clothes, I'm fine.

Mowing also makes me feel more...manly. That's silly. With all of this baby time and cleaning, I'm starting to feel as if I'm disappearing. The purple hair was part of my reappearing act. I wanted to pierce my nose, but then I read some in my Maya Angelou book and it convinced me otherwise. Damn it Maya! My fingernails are blue, my toenails are purple. What am I trying to prove? "I'm not boring. I'm not a boring mommy...housekeeper...cook...whatever." I'm still cool!!!! Well, I'm just trying not to lose my mind. I'm driving Jason crazy with my obsessive cleaning. I'm driving myself nuts, too. It's a delicate balance I think. I'm trying very hard to keep complete control over my surroundings thinking it will medicate me. Not that I'm depressed, I don't feel depressed. I'm just worried about becoming that way. My depression is like I'm an alcoholic. It's always there...it's just whether I participate in it or not. I've been "clean" for over 3 years now (with a minor hiccup now and then). It feels good. It's probably making me less fun...at least at times. Another reason for purple hair. I'm FUN!!! I'm spontaneous!! I'm not a cookie cutter mommy!! (My mantra)

How many times have I said I need to talk to my therapist and I haven't called???

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This is our new table...and I LOVE IT. I have yet to find a suitable tablecloth for it but it will do just fine. This is the shortest post but I had to share my joy. Come over for dinner!!

I'm writing just to post something, anything. 90% of the time, I sit down and have no idea what I'll end up writing about. Tonight, I watched the series finale of LOST. I'm still thinking about it--but I really found it touching. I will expand on those thoughts later, but I need a night to sleep on it.

Just watched Julia Roberts on Oprah. I need to finish Eat Pray Love. I started reading it...I think it was the wrong time of my life. It might be the right time now. I have to connect to a book in some way to enjoy it. That's strange. At least now...in my "searching" part of life. I've been searching forever it seems. What am I looking for? The easiest answer is "myself." With each year, I feel as if I get closer, but I'm still waiting to feel a certain way about myself. I can't explain it. Something is missing. I'm afraid of failure...and of not finishing things. My idea for my book, for example. Why don't I just start working on it?? Probably because its completion relies on others to help. I worry that no one will have the time to be a part of it and it will just be something that no one returns to me. It's a compilation of things. It's sort of a study of women. My idea at least starts with a mailing to a lot of the women in my life to fill out. But, it'll take time and thought. Most of my friends don't have this luxury--they are too busy with work or children or both.

Maybe if I just started the composing of the mailing, it would help. hmmmm.

Z went to bed like an angel tonight. I can't figure out what the magic trick is. What am I doing right?

I'm off to find that book now. I have too many books that I haven't read in my home. It's filled with them really. I was thinking about that, too. One day, Z is going to say, "Mommy...we have LOTS of books in our house! Which ones did you read?" I need to have a good answer.

I'll start tonight.

It's Complicated.

It's Friday night. We grilled (sort of--used the GF grill). We ate and then we had baby baby bath time. Z has been a nightmare about going to bed lately. Tonight, as if she'd known I'd been bad mouthing her to my girlfriends, she fell asleep on our bed at 8ish and was easily moved into her own room. She's still crashed out. We took a long walk in the sun today, maybe that helped.

Tomorrow we are getting our new dining room table delivered. I can't wait. We've had our pub table since Chicago and it is just too tall to enjoy. It doesn't fit a family. My God how my life has changed. I'm excited about a table.

This week rekindled my love of Facebook. I found an old friend from college that I've spent a lot of time thinking of since we stopped talking over 10 years ago. It was your basic boy meet girl, boy and girl become inseparable friends for over a year, they kiss, they do more and it ruins it. I've regretted the loss of that friendship ever since. Another lesson to teach Z. If you find a soul mate kind of friendship and you're not sure about the romance part...stay away from it. You can love someone deeply without it being romantic love. That's a tough one to learn at 19. Growing up in a small town, you don't get a lot of experiences that make you ready for college friendships with boys. You think every boy has to be something romantic eventually. Wrong.

I had a similar case in Chicago. This is an interesting story. The person I'm writing about is probably reading this too... Anyway, I met a boy who had that same soul mate friendship thing going on. This one was more complicated though. Although I knew he was gay, I didn't really care. He was wonderful, funny, hot, adorable, smart, bright and loved to sing all the same songs as me! We used to spend the night together and wake up singing Harry Connick Jr. We cuddled and just were crazy about each other. I remember sitting in his living room and thinking, "THIS is why I moved to Chicago...this friendship." Ugh...I love him still. Obviously nothing happened there. Another lesson in "you can't choose the people you love, you just love them."

With Jason...I remember thinking how much I felt I had in common with him. I adored him. I was dating his roommate at the time...(man! I love complications!!) He was sweet and hot and gave really great hugs. I crushed on him for a long time. At first it was harmless...and then it wasn't. Now, I'm married to my crush. I still feel it. I see him and think, "my gosh, HE'S my husband...he's so hot and kind and smart and yummy." It's sick really. I love it.

Open your heart. It doesn't pay to ever get jaded...the highs and lows of love are what make life worth it. (you know i'm talking to you...)

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Summer snow

The cotton woods are in bloom and they are shedding their cotton into the air creating this amazing effect of snow in the back yard. The sun is brightly shining and little pieces of white puff slowly guide throughout the air. It's really beautiful. It's something that reminds me of Kansas. I love living here, but Kansas certainly has its moments. It gets way too hot. It gets sticky and humid. Summers growing up in this sticky, hot climate were...wonderful. I can still feel the stings of an early summer sunburn. (NOT good for my complexion...I have tons of freckles now.) The lake was my best friend--well, that and the town pool. I was a lifeguard there for a couple of summers. Small town heat gets young kids into trouble. The fact is...there isn't anything to do...but each other. (ha.) It's true though. As a teenager in my little town, you pretty much spent your summer dying of heat during the day and doing your best to cool off with friends or lovers at night. The baseball diamond was a great place to be in the evenings. I'm still a huge fan of snack bar food due to that time in my life. We rode around in cars and were giddy and ridiculous. I wasn't a drinker. I didn't party--but man, I certainly was out of my mind with hormones and young love. When the 6 o'clock whistle blew--it was almost Pavlovian for me. The boy was off of work and would be coming to see me soon. My hands still sweat just thinking about it. Summer Lovin'...had me a blast for sure.

If there was a way to put that feeling into a bottle and put it high up in a closet somewhere...I would...just so I could occasionally sneak a sip here or there.

In the spirit of the sun and the way it makes everything pop (pun intended), I've added some pics of my yard including my two new flower baskets we got over the weekend. I know it's not quite summer yet...but it was fun to remember anyway.

Bigger

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body now

John's lyrics. I was listening to them today--I feel like he could have gone deeper with his meaning. I feel bigger than my body. My mind has always been too big for my head. My heart, as well. My heart is something that I feel has time travel capabilities. I feel love from past, present and future. I wake from dreams feeling things I felt 20 years ago. I spend time dwelling in those feelings as if I'm marinating in them to feel younger and more alive. I'm a romantic of the worst kind because I'm a movie lover. My romantic life is mostly in my head and always has been. I create scenarios for my life. I live out fantasies of the crazy sort with my husband in my head. It would be impossible to keep up. I've always created an outer layer of beautiful paint strokes of the men I've loved. When I look back on them...they are all beautiful colors (with the exception of one). I love where my heart has been...where by body has been. I love that I've been loved more than once and in different ways. I hope Z has these experiences. I hope her first love shakes her to her core and gives her a lifetime of joy and wonder when she looks back on it. I hope she knows how it feels to be adored and lusted after. I've done my share of lusting and loving. My heart has always been huge and ready to open. I obsessed over boys at a young age--not that I was ever noticed until much later. I created mix tapes and wrote journal entries dedicated to boys that thought of me only as a friend. I've always been in love with love. It's really the best thing. The feelings that rush over you, the ones you can't control. In my past life I was a poet. I'm convinced of this. I probably spent my life falling in love and just spending my life in it. I created out of it and probably died from a broken heart.

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other women

i have a thing about other women. wanting to be like someone else other than myself. this started young--watching movies and trying to find characteristics i wanted to adopt to make me more interesting. i've pulled my personality from other friends and characters in movies for as long as i can remember. at times, i wonder how much of my personality is actually mine. when i was younger, i compared myself to others so much that i felt horribly insecure. i became "funny." i tried the shock value thing much to my advantage. i became the girl who would do anything crazy at the slumber parties. i feel as if i hide the fact that i have no real talent by trying to be witty and off the wall. i always wrote--but nothing that would make me an author. i wrote mostly about my feelings and a lot about my anger. my older sister was the pretty one. she had the good grades. she was talented. she could draw and paint and understand electronics. i didn't feel i could compete. i copied her love of musicals and how she decorated her room. i couldn't copy the grades...or the fact that she could read a map at a oddly young age. boys always liked her. i think that relationship with her--as a side kick was how i started fitting in with my friends. i was the side kick. my friends were popular and pretty...and sporty and talented. (It's gross really.) I tried my best to keep up with humor and a bit of harmless rebellion.

as i grow older, i still am so in awe of other women and their talents...and their bravery. (i'm listening to ani difranco--and all of this started pouring out) i wanted to learn the guitar, but i can't read music. i wanted to sing, but i never sounded as good as say, reva and treva. now, i'm a mommy to someone. i think to myself often,"what is she going to want to copy in me??" well, i can listen. i can be a good friend. i can find awesomeness in other people. i should have been a casting agent. i think i do well in recognizing talents in others. i will recognize her talents and rejoice in them. i will make sure she knows all of the special and amazing things she's capable of. i will remind her to always let people know how much you admire them...how much you love them. i will teach her to look towards her girlfriends for inspiration. anything i've accomplished in my life has been inspired. i'm not a leader but i pride myself in figuring out great women to follow.

i'm comprised of all of the amazing women that i grew up with...and even those i've met recently. there is such power in being a woman. it's a gift, but you have to do it well. being a woman is just chance, but being a good woman--that is a true gift to other women--you never know who is watching you...

Thursday morning funk

Z is in her chair...vibrating and relaxing.
I just finished up the trash getting--trash day today.
Drinking my morning shake of strawberries, blueberries, banana and SP Cleanse powder.
It's day 16 of my cleanse. 5 days left. I will survive it. I've lost 7 lbs and do feel better.
Today is a Target day. I need a mop. The Swifter is just not cutting it.
Z rolled over on the 11th!!! Huge reaction was caught on video for her to laugh at later.

Still planning our summer trip to New England. I'm VERY excited about this.
Also planning to see my touchstones in Kansas in June. This will feed my soul.
Getting my hair cut on Saturday--and adding purple and some other funky color to the highlights. why the hell not, right? Stay at home moms need FUNK.

Simon and Garfunkel are playing currently--Concert in Central Park. Calming....they are rocking out for me, to me--and I am virtually in the park with Z...we are dancing on a blanket.

It's that day again. The day when I look at the calendar and am amazed at how much time has gone by since you've been gone. It's not an anniversary...those are celebrated. It's more of a day of remembrance. I remember. You are in the frames in my house and when I glance to my right, you are hanging on the wall by my desk. It's the pic of us in SJ...a town you thought was charming. We spent our day eating downtown and running along the tops of the sand piles outside town--you, Sue and me. We spent time at my Grandpa's...drinking and laughing. I miss your laugh.

My daughter has pretty blond hair like yours. I'll teach her how to use rollers. I'll teach her to iron--as you pointed out was very important. I'll teach her to go slow with boys, but be boy crazy just the same. I'll teach her to be the voice of reason to her friends--as harsh as that voice may be. I'll teach her to laugh loudly and wear a big floppy hat to the grocery store. I'll tell her all about you.

Love you my friend.

It's amazing what 5 months can do

for your life. She's been alive for just a short amount of time, yet...my life is forever altered. We had a big talk today in her room. I told her about my room as a kid. She sat on my lap and listened very intently. I told her about the toys I remembered having...and the posters I had. I told her about types of people she might encounter and how to deal with them. I told her about some of my biggest regrets...and how she should try to live life big enough to have some of her own. "Don't play it safe...especially with love. You might end up crushed, but you can't build a strong heart doing it any other way." I sang to her a bit. We went for a walk. I told her about my hometown as we circled our block. "Mommy could walk from one side to the other of her town in 25 minutes." She didn't believe me. I told her I only graduated with 23 people. She laughed. I told her that her daddy takes longer to get ready than I do. She nodded. (She must have observed that already) I told her that if she does it right...in her life she'll have the most amazing friends from childhood to adulthood. She looked at GiGi (her stuffed Giraffe) and kissed her.

In Bloom.

I'm not doing so well at this...blogging. I lack the time--sort of. I spend my time doing some other things. Some things were worthwhile, some things, not. But, I keep trying. Today Z and I went for a "stroll" around the block. The sun was out, the trees are in bloom and the birds were singing to each other. My Japanese Maple finally burst into color. I love it. It's my favorite of our trees. The bush by our bedroom door has burst into a beautiful purply-pink color. Gorgeous. I have to say I love all of the seasons at my house. Even looking out on the naked trees during Winter is calming to me. Right now, just hearing the birds and the wind in the trees makes me feel happy.

Now to what doesn't make me so happy. My daughter is losing her beautiful blonde hair. ugh! She still has enough, but she used to have SO MUCH! Her head is so big now...I feel her hair couldn't keep up with it. (That's my theory) She is practically feeding herself now as she's taken control of her bottle by grabbing it and shoving it into her mouth. She's very smiley and loves to laugh on the changing table. She has YET to roll over. My little under achiever! That's ok. All in good time.

Tomorrow, if the weather is nice, I will take pics of all the trees and blooms in our yard. Won't you be thrilled. It'll be a nice way to document it anyway. This blog doesn't get read by many--(thanks to those who do!) but it's more of my own journal/scrap book. Just thoughts--flowing out. I do have an idea for a book though. I've had it for 2 years and I've just now started thinking about it again. I think I should pursue it. What am I afraid of??!!

I'm sorry.

I've been watching a robin put together her nest in one of our bushes in the back yard for about 2 weeks now. Each day, for hours I would watch her make journeys back and forth. I was invested...feeling a motherhood bond with her. I couldn't believe how tirelessly she worked. I felt so happy that she'd decided to build her little home to raise her chicks in my yard. We were two moms trying to do best by our babies.

Today...the Spring clean up crew came. I popped out of bed and ran up the stairs to let them know about her nest...it was too late.

Ok, this is crazy, I feel so awful. Just sad, like I've let my little mother down...I know this is being a bit too involved with nature--but I still feel horrible.

Shit.

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Absent

Last week I was in Cleveland. Today, I'm in Rochester with a sick kid. She must have gotten it from me...ugh. Her first cold. Therefore, I haven't had any time to blog..or do much of anything else. I'm kind of winging it here. I give her vapor baths, steam her in the shower, use the aspirator and wipe her nose constantly. My child hates me this week. Every time she sees me with a Kleenex she starts crying. I'm damaging her mentally, I'm sure. She keeps smiling though...what a girl. She's quite a trooper. Mommy is tired...AND on a detox program which is making her ache. It's 2-3 shakes a day and 30 pills. 30 pills A DAY!! It's crazy. It's not to lose weight, but to detox from all of the crap I've been putting into my system for the past few months. I ache...and I'm thinking this should do the trick. It's miserable. I miss food. I miss chocolate...and man, everything just sounds amazing right now. I can eat salads...that's about it. 3 weeks. I can do it!!! My SIL and MIL did it and they said they felt amazing afterward.

The tree right outside of the window where I'm typing is a beautiful bright rust color. I love it. All our trees are in bloom--it's gorgeous!

I can do this! I can heal my child, detox and keep trying to figure out where to fit in yoga in my life. I hate yoga, I'm just not flexible.

Thursday night.

Hi to those that I think about but don't contact.
I think about many that go on without knowing.
Hi to the women that have made me who I am.
I keep your teachings close to me.
I watch you...I listen...and I keep tabs on you.
I miss when times were easier to keep in touch.
When we used to be able to spend warm summer nights talking.
Some I may have obsessed over more than others, but all important.
Women have a pull. They are survivors and they are warriors.
We have a sisterhood--that if lived well is magical and brave.

I've always found women more interesting than men. Always. Mostly because I am a woman. One that has felt lost since I remember feeling anything else. I can't look to men to see how to be--but women I've admired and always tried to imitate.

Some of my long lost women friends are floating about out there. They are being amazing and living life like I'd like to live my next life.

I have a little warrior in the other room. I will teach about all the women in my life. Hopefully, she will find friends that are equally amazing. Sadly, there are too many women that are as cruel and hideous as anything on Earth. So many use their powers for evil instead of good--and man! are they evil and wretched beings. I love women as much as I can hate them. It's rare that a man will evoke such an emotion in me.

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Ain't Love Grand

Yesterday, I watched Bright Star. It's about John Keats who has been my favorite poet for a while now. Wow. I really enjoyed the movie and cried like a baby at the end. I need to see it again. I've read Keats' work, but didn't know that he died at such a young age. I didn't know about the love he had in his life. I found it fascinating. I'm going to see if I can get a book on him. Reading his poetry isn't getting it done. The movie focused the love affair he had with Fannie Brawne. In a way, it was young love...reminded me VERY much of how I acted during my first love experience. The actual feeling that you would die if you weren't near each other. Man, what a great feeling...and an awful feeling. I plunged into love when I found it. The love letters and the songs we exchanged during that time. Whenever I hear a song from that time, my heart just swims. Keats knew love. I named my last car Keats. Mostly because I identify so much with his poem, "Ode to a Grecian Urn."

Thou still unravish'd bride of quietness,
Thou foster-child of silence and slow time,
Sylvan historian, who canst thus express
A flowery tale more sweetly than our rhyme:
What leaf-fring'd legend haunt about thy shape
Of deities or mortals, or of both,
In Tempe or the dales of Arcady?
What men or gods are these? What maidens loth?
What mad pursuit? What struggle to escape?
What pipes and timbrels? What wild ecstasy?

Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard
Are sweeter: therefore, ye soft pipes, play on;
Not to the sensual ear, but, more endear'd,
Pipe to the spirit ditties of no tone:
Fair youth, beneath the trees, thou canst not leave
Thy song, nor ever can those trees be bare;
Bold lover, never, never canst thou kiss,
Though winning near the goal - yet, do not grieve;
She cannot fade, though thou hast not thy bliss,
For ever wilt thou love, and she be fair!

Ah, happy, happy boughs! that cannot shed
Your leaves, nor ever bid the spring adieu;
And, happy melodist, unwearied,
For ever piping songs for ever new;
More happy love! more happy, happy love!
For ever warm and still to be enjoy'd,
For ever panting, and for ever young;
All breathing human passion far above,
That leaves a heart high-sorrowful and cloy'd,
A burning forehead, and a parching tongue.

Who are these coming to the sacrifice?
To what green altar, O mysterious priest,
Lead'st thou that heifer lowing at the skies,
And all her silken flanks with garlands drest?
What little town by river or sea shore,
Or mountain-built with peaceful citadel,
Is emptied of this folk, this pious morn?
And, little town, thy streets for evermore
Will silent be; and not a soul to tell
Why thou art desolate, can e'er return.

O Attic shape! Fair attitude! with brede
Of marble men and maidens overwrought,
With forest branches and the trodden weed;
Thou, silent form, dost tease us out of thought
As doth eternity: Cold Pastoral!
When old age shall this generation waste,
Thou shalt remain, in midst of other woe
Than ours, a friend to man, to whom thou say'st,
"Beauty is truth, truth beauty," - that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.

I will agree that the best part of that first kiss is right before you actually touch each others' lips. Nothing is ever quite as beautiful as JUST before you have it. And, after that moment is gone, it's never the same. (At least that's what I get out of it) I've lived my life this way. I love change. I love "firsts" and I love to be in love.



I recommend the movie to lovers of love...because if you are in any way cynical, you won't enjoy it. It will make you laugh and be irritated at how crazy these two are about one another. It's young, yes...but man, I'd go back to that time of my life in a heartbeat. Not that I don't love my life now...but I've guarded my heart since then. Nothing was quite as sweet...or stung so much!

Hauntings....

I woke up thinking about someone that I'll never speak to again...but with whom I had a very interesting relationship with for a short amount of time. I felt foolish remembering the details and how I acted during that time. I'm constantly haunted by my Chicago life. I was surrounded by fun, smart and amazing people and it was probably the worst time in my life. I'm still in contact with most of my friends there...but I'm convinced their idea of me and the real me are very different things. I was so heavily medicated during that time...I couldn't even see straight. I was manically depressive and flirtatiously crazy. I had many step in to help me out...giving me hand when I needed and no doubt they were not thanked appropriately. Now that I have Z, I shudder at the legacy of my 20s. I was completely unaware of my surroundings and the gifts I was given. I was literally dazed and confused. It's embarrassing. Even those I spent time with for 6 months in Cincinnati...ugh. All of these people who came into contact with the Valerie that was desperately trying to find herself in the fog.

The fog has cleared now and I feel almost boring. My "over the top" personality at times is now low key and quiet. I miss my friends. I miss the times I had in Chicago and wish I would have been the person I am now, then. To be able to really enjoy the opportunities I was given...to really connect to the people I was around. I never really connected at any deep level. I was floundering. I was an extremely lonely and ashamed individual. I'd love to reintroduce myself to some people in my past life. I'd love to be more of a friend to them. I'd love to feel as if my time there was something people grew from. Chicago is where I had to learn to swim. And it took me a long time. Moving to Rochester was something I had to do in order to crawl out of my old skin. I sit around and think about old friends. I see their doings on Facebook and miss all of the constant get togethers. To be in such a big city as a lost soul...it's a wonder I didn't get into more trouble. I was in such a constant battle with myself and my insecurities. I need to let it all go. I need to let Z grow from those experiences. Rochester is quiet. We are all alone out here...and there is time to reflect. There's also a chance for me to grow in a way I couldn't anywhere else. In Chicago, I was hanging out with very bright, very ambitious people. Everyone seemed to know where they wanted to go except me. I felt as if I was looking up the entire time...jumping up and down in order for people to see me. Ugh. It's hard to find your way. I look at Z now. A blank slate. She only has her life to look forward to--and she can make it anything she wants. That's amazing to me. She will learn from my mistakes...and from her own.

So, I send my love out to old friends...and to those who helped me...and those who may not have a real grasp of who I am now, but were kind to the person I was then...


pic of me in 2005...


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If I lived in London, this is what it would look like today...

In a way, it's inspiring. It makes me want to watch a mystery...or read one. Z requested to dress in all black to be dramatic on this cloudy day. I told her she needed to dress in bright colors so we'd have something happy to look at. She going to go Goth as soon as she can pick her own clothes, I know it.

Jason is gone all day. It's a Friday...suppose to be a lighter day for him, but alas, no. He left at 5am this morning. I dreamed about saying goodbye, but when I woke up, I realized it was just a dream and missed him. I hate things like that.

Z is on a roll! She's slept through the night 3 nights in a row now. She goes down around 9:30 and sleeps for at least 10 hours. Am I in for a full night's rest from now on?? I doubt it, but I'll take it for now.

So, in bird news..the damn squirrel ate the rope on both of my bird feeders and down they went. Both, broken and thrown out. I'd JUST bought a bird book!! It's sad when one has to ruin things for everyone. I need human friends here don't I...so that the loss of my birds isn't so upsetting.

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A Thursday temper tantrum.

The picture on the right hand side of my blog is of my backyard. I'm guessing that it's in early summer. I took it when we were looking at the house. I'm now realizing that the previous owners must have put a lot of money into landscaping. We got a mower last Fall, but wow, that's not going to get it done. I went out today for an hour and raked some of the old leaves and yuck from the side of the house. I'm getting a bid from some "spring cleaners" and see what they can do for us. I have 2 limbs down...this is super boring isn't it.

Home owning. It's jut not as happy today as it is other days. I look at all that needs to be done and I'm still upset that we got SCREWED by the government this year. Well, it was our fault. We plead ignorance at our home buying and how we didn't get the stimulus because of a 45 day mishap. Had we closed 45 days later, we would be sitting so pretty right now. Ugh. I took my aggressions out on the yard.

Jason was calm and I turned into super bitch for about 20 mins. "We look like idiots!!!" I said that too many times. But, we have a house and we love it...but man, we're nice and broke for a while. I need an attitude adjustment. I've been having anxiety all afternoon...cranky...and just plain frustrated. Life is good though. What can we do about it now?? Nothing. Just try to be more careful in the future. It's raining now or I'd be out pulling weeds. I just want to focus on weeding and raking for hours until I feel better. There's plenty to do!!!

The thunder is really rolling in. I'm going to retire to the living room and enjoy it.

It's raining again...

Jason is on the road today. It's raining. The sky is gray and thunder is making a nice backdrop to the drops hitting steadily on the roof. The trees are in bloom at least...and the cardinal is taking a shower on the tree right outside the kitchen window. Z is whiny today. Tired. Me too. We're trying desperately to have more tummy time. She hates it. But, she's not rolling over yet and she's not supporting herself with her arms. I guess she's suppose to be able to do this?? It's frustrating. Doctor visits somehow make me feel like a shitty parent. She has a bit of a flat part to the back of her head. The doctor said it was minor...but I felt like she thought I put my daughter on the floor and leave her all day. I'm too sensitive. We researched it a lot when we got home. It is more prevalent now that babies sleep on their backs. It'll go away...that's what most people say--including my two sisters. "Don't worry so much about it!" I worry about it...and everything else. It killed my mood yesterday. I think it did Jason's too. We're paranoid parents. I just wish someone would come see it and say, "that's totally normal, she's fine, don't worry."

She grunting up a storm behind me. Tummy time sucks. She hates it, therefore, I hate it. I'm doing my best here...but she just can't get those arms under her. It's a sad thing to watch. Just get me to 6 months already!

My daughter is effing cute.

We are in the honeymoon stage, I know this. We're thinking she's cute doing about anything. I know the time is coming when she'll drive me up a wall and I'll need to be away from her in order to not hurt her. But for now, she's dreamy and smiley and laughy. I'm trying to soak in this time...so when she's screaming how much she hates me and that she's going to move in with her boyfriend...I'll have this to look back on.

A perfect afternoon

Z and I spent some time on the deck this afternoon. It was too hot around 2, so we went back out around 4 and just watched the birds. She rocked and I flipped through my Entertainment Weekly mag. Even Meryl came out. She was VERY interested in the birds. I got an awesome shot of a finch eating out of the feeder. The trees swayed and made a gorgeous relaxing soundtrack. The birds chirped and I sat there and made myself capture the moment mentally. Ever do that? You sit and think, "remember this moment...you're happy." I've been sitting inside for a couple days watching Sex and the City dvds. I started with season 3 and now I'm on 5. 4 is my favorite. I seem to understand different things more and the strike me differently than they used to. I laugh a lot more...and cry a lot more When Miranda's mother died, I just sat and cried. But, laughter quickly followed. It's a great series for the bipolar.

The days have been getting warmer and my mood is elevating. I need the sun. NY may not be the perfect choice for living if the sun is a major component in being happy...but I couldn't be without seasons. Maybe I love it so much because I appreciate it.

Today was appreciated. The blue sky, the birds, the warm sun...and Z laughing and cooing next to me. Perfect.

Random thought this morning...

As I was taking out the trash this morning at 7am, I noticed two kids walking to school. They seemed very close in age, yet, they walked about 10 paces apart. I thought it was sad. We all live on the same block, it's obvious that they aren't friends. Reminded me of my walks from home. In 7th grade, they were lonely. In 8th grade, I walked home with Kortney and Joel. Kortney and I also walked to school together every day. That 15 mins before school when you can touch base with a friend and walk the streets of your home town to school was a GREAT way to start the day. Simple things like that made my childhood nice.

Just a random thought. More to come...

The rain is keeping the birds away...

Here are some that live in my house...I've started a collection. It started with the one on my lower back, a tattoo I got in 2001. I'm not a huge fan of tattoos, but I do like mine. I forget it's there half the time. I think I just love the idea of flying away...and being beautiful. Such freedom. I have too much time on my hands to actually think all of these things, I realize this. But, it's raining again today. Z is enjoying a nap and I'm sitting in my house with all of the gray natural light pouring through the windows. Jason is gone today and won't be back until later tonight. He has one hell of a week in store. I feel for him.

Today, my plans are laundry (which is a given), meal planning, grocery getting (yuck) and reading. It sounds relaxed doesn't it? We'll see how much of that Z allows me to get done. I'm trying to relish these early days...before she's crawling then walking. Then, I'll just put the vacuum in her little hands and tell her to go at it!

streams of consciousness

I just put Z down to bed. Sweet girl. She had an impromptu bath earlier this evening after she pooped an enormous amount and it crawled halfway up her back. She really seemed pleased with herself. She and I have this silent way of communicating. With looks and smiles, she seems to really understand what I need from her at given times. There is most certainly a bond there and I've never felt this way in my life. So connected. I remember feeling so close to my mother. When we moved to Topeka after my parents divorced, I would lay in bed and feel so homesick for her as she studied in the basement. I'd have to take my blanket and just lay next to her as she typed or read in her office. I also remember thinking that she might be Jesus Christ. This is strange. I felt no one in the world was as perfect as she was, or as kind, or as wonderful. An interesting thought process there. I don't expect Z to have those same kinds of feelings--I have to chuckle a bit at her thinking I'm Jesus. I was vulnerable and probably had some abandonment issues I was dealing with...

She's growing so fast. She slept in our room last night and we slept in the guest bedroom. I wanted to see how she'd sleep without me in the room. Not bad at all! Jason wasn't ready. He doesn't want her to be in her room at all. It marks change for him...that his little girl is growing up. Jason hates change...and he's definitely not ready for his little girl to get any bigger.

I'm ready to hear her thoughts. My mom visited not too long ago and we had many a conversation. I wonder if Z and I will be as close. My mother is not as loose lipped as I am. She's very conservative about certain topics. I've never been conservative. Never. I've always spoken my mind-much to my mother's horror many a time. Wendy and I are so different as well. My sister is extremely private with her emotions. So is my father. In fact, I am the black sheep. I'm constantly in motion, moving from here to there...constantly talking and wanting to know more and more about everything in life.

A great example of how I affect my family: My father came to help Jason and I move to New York from Chicago. When he was in the car with me, I asked him tons of questions about his life...his parents...just anything I wanted to know. When we stopped to get gas, he said, "I think I'll ride with Jason for a while."

I easily tire most people. Jason was drawn to me for this reason I think. (Not that I'm tiring, but that I talk about everything) He's about as tight lipped as they come. I think people need others to bring inner thoughts and feelings to the surface. My dramatics that seemed to rule my life when I met him flew right out the window. He doesn't deal with drama. He's quiet and handled me quietly and my demons seemed to lose their power.

It's obviously late. I always talk too much when it's late.

Saturday morning coffee is the best.

Today, Z got up at 4:50am and Jason took her upstairs so I could sleep. It's Saturday!!! Although he was tired...Saturdays are my time to sleep in. (Though, he took her upstairs during the week as well as I snoozed a bit longer.) He's had a busy week, so he pitches in when he can. I got up around 8:30ish. I poured myself a cup of coffee and put it in the microwave to heat...then got distracted when I had to take out crap in the fridge to get to my creamer. I just kept taking out more crap...and I laid it all over our kitchen. We had 3 practically full bottles of 57 Sauce, 7 different jars of salsa, 4 different jars of green olives, 5 different kinds of mustard and 3 jars of apple sauce. I'm embarrassed. The ridiculous amounts of food that we keep buying because we are too lazy to look to the back of our fridge. So, I cleaned it all out, sprayed the shelves and put back the remaining "still good" containers.

oh, yeah, my coffee...I zapped it for 25 seconds.


Then, I swept the floor. That was over due. And made cinnamon applesauce to eat that up. Then started a laundry...fed Z and rocked her to sleep. When I looked down, I saw a bit of "cradle cap", so I rubbed Vasoline in her hair (like I was instructed to online) and her hair was insane! Full of flakes and grease...so I washed it and washed it and washed it and it's still stiff. I've ruined her hair. She laid there smiling and cooing for about a half hour as I obsessed over combing through the flaking scalp.

Man, I could use some coffee. Zapped it for another 25 seconds.

Jason left to see the taxman. I vacuumed the upstairs, put Z back to sleep after she woke up irritated that I dare leave her side, took a shower, put Z back to sleep again, put all the paper away in the kitchen (due to Jason's frantic tax paper throw together) and guess what...

My coffee is still in the microwave.

Tonight we're having teriyaki chicken! I've been marinating it for 24 hours and I'm about to make my first recipe! I've started taping Paula Dean. She makes me so happy. She also cooks like I do--somewhat healthy/non healthy down home cookin'! She's like my adoptive grandmother. I literally feel happiness when I see her. Is that weird?

I'm combing through more recipes today to come up with a grocery list. Please let Jason be ok with going it alone. I hate grocery shopping.

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Too Fun Not To Post!!

A little mush to start the weekend.

Last night, Z woke up and was awfully upset. She wasn't crying, but it was clear she wasn't happy. She'd fallen down a bit in her positioner and was stuck. (She wasn't in any real danger in case you want to turn me into child services.) In my middle of the night brain, I felt she was probably frightened and didn't have the heart to put her back in her bed so I made J move over and she laid down by me. For a long time she needed to hold both of my hands. She's really into hand holding. I laid awake with her holding both of her hands until she drifted to sleep. As I laid there, I thought of the times when I used to sleep with my own mother. I slept in her bed for a year or two after the divorce. It was comforting to both of us, I think. I was six. I have such special memories of crawling in with my grandparents when I stayed with them as well. I'd come in in the morning and we'd all laugh and talk in bed together. My father wasn't much on that. The warmth his parents had and my mom have just isn't there when it comes to crawling into bed when you're scared or want to say good morning. I can't wait until Z can come in in the mornings and jump into bed. I know Jason will be up for it. He's so sweet with her. I can't imagine this man ever saying no to her. Oh, she'll be spoiled for sure. It's just a loving feeling...being close to your mom when you don't feel good or when you're scared. You feel so secure. Even now, I know my mom wouldn't turn me away if I asked to sleep with her. There's something about that that just makes you feel loved and cared for...and you're just closer. I hope Z feels secure and loved as much as she possibly can. She's brought so much to our lives already. I've felt for a long time that J had a little piece of his heart that needed to be filled...and she does the job. I know he'll never be the same now. He glows when he's around her. My father was never like that. He's proud of me now I believe...but I don't think I melted his heart.

It's a bit mushy today folks! Just night thoughts I wanted to share.

Bask

The picture is of Honeoye Falls. It's about 15 mins from my house. I was too exhausted that day to enjoy it, so Jason took a picture. I've been so dang tired lately! Today, the sun is shining brightly and I'm feeling better. A coincidence?? I don't think so. I haven't gotten my period yet. (Great update, sorry) However, it's odd. I know I'm not pg. But, man, my hormones are playing tricks on me and I have day to day mood swings. I'm hiding them pretty well. I don't get bitchy, I just don't change out of my pajamas until late afternoon. Today, I'm making myself get out of the house! We're going to Target. We're going to ride around in the sun and listen to some Sheryl Crow. We both need some time out.

Z transferred her rattle today from one hand to the other. This greatly excited Jason who actually squealed. :) "She's brilliant!!" She's getting cuter and cuter every day. She's animated and so alert. She's accomplished all of her goals for her age except rolling over. I can't get her to do it! She hates tummy time and grunts the entire time--usually followed by a spit up. Any suggestions on how this kid can learn to roll?

As I sit here at the desk and look out to see my favorite tree, I can see the buds. Thank god. Spring is here and those leaves are ready to pop. It rained here for 2 days straight. I'm off to get changed and to jump out into the day. Enjoy it everyone.

Who needs Julia Child when you have Becky?

My friend Becky called this morning...just as I was about to call her. I love that. She'd been sending me some recipes to fix, so I thought I'd do the Chicken Salad today. We chatted along and I cooked--I'm not much in the kitchen, but I'm determined to learn! My friend Jeremy has been sending me lots of recipes too! It takes a tribe to raise this family! He has a great recipe for this orange liquor cake that's delish. I feel that my friends are trying to raise me once again. I've constantly been raised and taught by them. (I've taken a long time to mature) Becky kept giving me tips on other meals I can do that are easy for the family. Jason and I have been eating frozen foods long enough! I don't want my daughter to remember me that way. I figure I have about 2 years or so before she can eat my cooking...so I have plenty of time to learn. I'm excited. It's a new adventure for me. Hopefully we'll get a new dining room table so I can cook for family when they come in. They won't even recognize me!! I realize this is a small step for most of you, but this is a BIG step for me. I'm 35 and can't find my way in the kitchen as of yet. Here's a perfect example: I had to Google how to boil an egg this morning. I do know how to boil water though. I bought a garlic press yesterday...no idea how to use it. We'll see...

I'm feeling better today. Yesterday I was so cranky. Probably coming down from my 2 weeks of visitors. I had such a nice time with my mom, it was hard for me to have her leave. I get attached to her. I've tried to distance myself a lot from people so that I don't miss them. That sounds awful. But, as I grow older, it doesn't much work as well as it used to. I should just let myself feel the happiness and the sadness.

Today, I made the chicken salad, egg salad (yuck! it was for Jason), potato salad (yum! my grandma's recipe) and a huge mess in the kitchen. :) I'm in the middle of cleaning it up now. It took me all morning to do this. I need to start fixing things daily. It makes me feel productive. My life is changing. I used to eat out of cans and microwaves...tons of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, gosh. But, I want Z to be healthy and happy. Small steps, but I'll get there!

Cranky

Ok, today, I've been cranky. Please let it be that my period is coming. I can't take this feeling anyomore....

I'm tired, my joints hurt, I'm irritated with everything and everyone--it's just not pleasant to be me or be around me. I'm sure Jason would agree. He's been a trooper though. I cleaned to feel better. I hate that that works, but it does. I've been so exhausted. If I knew I wasn't pg, I'd swear I was. I'm just worn out mentally and physically today. Annoying!!

I'm going to try to watch "Happy Go-Lucky" and see if that puts me in a good mood.

I want to sleep for days. Let tomorrow find me well rested and ready to deal with the world! I am reading a fun book, I'll tell you about it tomorrow though...too--tired--to--blog--much--more.

St. Patty's Day

These were taken yesterday. My niece Mackenzie turned 5 yesterday. I think she went to Chucky Cheese. We had Showbiz Pizza when I was little...same concept. In her honor, we dressed up in our best greens. Z, mom and I enjoyed the day outside. It's in the 60s here and we're loving it!! She leaves tomorrow, it's been way too short. But, we've had lots of talks and lots of good food. We're going to see a play tonight at Geva Theatre. It's called The Price. It's an Arthur Miller play. I think we'll really enjoy it! I haven't been to the theatre in a long time. Jason took me there for my birthday last year. Little Z will be home with Jason tonight. I know he is dreading it a bit. She's beginning to be fussy at night--only wanting Mom. Today, she's in overalls. Cute. But she has scratches on her face because I'm a bad mom. I can't get her nails cut! I struggle with it so much...and in the meantime, she looks like Edward Scissorhands. Ugh.

Enjoy the Silence

It's a calm Sunday morning. Jason is reading the paper behind me and Z is in her swing asleep. Yesterday was a busy day. I made J work all day to get the house the way I wanted it. We completely moved around each of our rooms upstairs. Now, each room has a totally different feeling. It's definitely more relaxed now. The TV is now out of the kitchen area and it makes for a nice quiet area. We now have a sitting room by the foyer and the TV is nestled in the corner for nice cozy nights. We'd thought about these configurations when we first moved in, but opted to go against how the old owners used their house. We wanted our own stamp. Dustin gave some great suggestions and I ran with them. Thanks Dustin!! I'll post pics when they are completely done. We have some pictures to hang, etc.

My mom comes today for 5 days. It will be nice to have her around and great to have her see Z at this age. She was here when we brought her home and was here for the first month. Z just slept mostly. Now, she is so animated and smiley!!! Adorable. We normally give her a bath in the big tub with her little bathing tub, but last night, I put her in the sink. She won't fit there long, but it was darling.

I can see clearly now

My head hurts this morning. I think my period is coming after her long hiatus. It's raining out. YUCK day. BUT, we are going to completely rearrange the house today. It doesn't flow well and Dustin gave us lots of great ideas. So, I'm putting Jason to work. I always used to rearrange my room as a kid. I love change. Jason hates it. He has always hated it...even as a kid he'd cry when the family got a new car. Not me. Out with the old and in with the new!!! Not sure why I'm like that, but it has helped me in my life. I've live in a few places and had more than a few job and am still around to tell you about it. Course, I was in a medicated fog through most of it. I'll have to post before and after pics.

Dustin was here for the week. It really fed my soul. We had a great time and he spoiled the crap out of Z. She has her summer wardrobe already! I'm cracked up. Here's a pic of us!

On My Own

Some thoughts.

Oscar opening act sucked. It was really flat for me. Why was Doogie the opener??? That's not the deal. Alec and Steve were the hosts...THEY should've opened. It seemed thrown together to me.

Agreed with all of the Oscar winners. YAY! NO JAMES CAMERON!!! Rock on.

The show was boring........
Last year was so entertaining. I was pretty damn disappointed. I didn't see many of the movies, so at least I didn't put a ton of time into it. I have a lot to watch on Netflix.

Everything was so blah...and today I'm tired but Z is needy. She cries with anyone else and I feel as if I'm shackled. I love being needed and loved, but wonder if I wasn't breast feeding if it would be different. She wouldn't take a bottle today. UGH!

It's a quiet day. Dustin and I just vegged. We even took an afternoon nap--not together. He's congested so he just went to bed. SURE! I finally have Z in bed and BOTH Jason and Dustin are asleep. Unreal. Oh, what a lonely thing it is to be a mommy.

i shouldn't be blogging

in this mood. I'm having a day kids. The lonely day. The "what the hell" kind of day. However, the sun is out and I'm really loving that. The sky is a beautiful blue and the cardinal is eating the food on the ground I put out for him. These damn birds are my only friends today. My daughter is starting to grunt. She's waking from her nap. Thank God she napped today. I got in a couple therapy sessions in. One with Becky--Thank you and one with Wendy--thank you. I had one earlier with Kortney--thank you. I NEED MY DAMN GIRLFRIENDS TO LIVE NEXT DOOR!

Today is a day when they need to come knock on the door and take me to see Alice in Wonderland at the IMAX. They hand Z to Jason and say, "We're taking her." We laugh, see the movie, go eat and laugh more. Man, I could use a drink. :)

Instead, I'm going to self medicate by cleaning my kitchen. What a day.

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The Oscar Post

First of all, these are based on practically nothing, I'm sad to say. I've barely seen any of them. It's sad...but for good reason.

Best Actor-
I want Colin Firth but I'm guessing Jeff Bridges, though Jeremy Renner would be a nice curve ball. They did that with Tilda, it could happen.

Best Actress-
I want Meryl Streep but I'm guessing Sandra Bullock for the win.

Best Supporting Actor-
Christoph Waltz must and will win this. He was just fantastic in Inglourious Basterds.

Best Supporting Actress-
Mo'Nique. I haven't seen it, but have seen enough. She looks terrifying to me. She should win.

Best Director-
REALLY hoping for Kathryn Bigalow for The Hurt Locker. It was flawless direction...and if Cameron gets it, I'll puke.

Best Original Screenplay-
The Hurt Locker. I did enjoy Basterds though...

Best Adapted Screenplay--
I'm going with Up In The Air, though I haven't seen it.

Best Pic--
Please let it be The Hurt Locker...nah, it'll be Avatar. Basterds would be a nice curve.

An interesting fact about why they're called Oscar---

Some people say Bette Davis is responsible; according to the story, she named her 1936 award after huer first husband, bandleader Harmon Oscar Nelson. The only trouble with this is that Walt Disney had reputedly referred to his statuette as Oscar two years earlier when he won for the award for best cartoon short. Another story is that was bestowed by Margaret Herrick, who was executive director of the Academy of Motion Picture Art and Sciences from the early 1940s until her retirement in 1971. Ms. Herrick was only a librarian in 1931, when she commented that the statuette reminder her of her Uncle Oscar. (Thanks Entertainment Weekly!)


Here are Roger Ebert's pics:

Best Picture: The Hurt Locker
Best Director: Kathryn Bigelow
Best Actor: Jeff Bridges
Best Actress: Sandra Bullock
Supporting Actor: Christoph Waltz
Supporting Actress: Mo’Nique
Original Screenplay: Still a toss-up between The Hurt Locker and Basterds. Star screenwriter, popular movie, likable guy vs. the WGA and the BAFTA wins, no matter that QT was eligible for a WGA (you have to wonder why he isn’t a member of the WGA in the first place after all of these years. Mark Boal is a member and Quentin Tarantino is not? Whaddup with that?)
Adapted Screenplay: Up in the Air
Art Direction: Avatar
Cinematography: Avatar OR The Hurt Locker
Editing: The Hurt Locker
Sound: The Hurt Locker
Sound Editing: Avatar
Costumes: The Young Victoria
Makeup: Star Trek
Documentary: The Cove
Foreign Language: El Secreto (Argentina)
Score: Up
Animated Feature: Up
Visual Effects: Avatar
Song: The Weary Kind
Live Action Short: The Door
Animated Short: Loaf and Death
Doc Short: The Last Truck

INTERESTING!! Awardsdaily.com (I love this site) predicts Basterds as the Best Pic win. That would be swell!!

My Dustin is coming in from Chicago to watch them with me. We usually are together...it's a nice excuse to fly one way or the other. This year I'm uneducated, but it'll still be fun. Can't WAIT!!!

Please come to NYC or Toronto.

James Cameron Sucks.

I taped 60 Minutes last night for Jason, but actually missed the part of the show he wanted to see...I started taping mid show. I just got done watching the half I did tape and there was a story about Kathryn Bigelow- the director of The Hurt Locker. A nice little piece on her...until they had to interview James Cameron- her ex. They were married long ago and now are up against one another for Best Director at the Oscars this year. He won the Golden Globe and said she would win the Oscar--hold up, he did not say, "because she deserves it" he said, "because no one can resist that story when they see her name on the ballot." The story refers to the first woman winning best director. I can't stand James Cameron. I've never liked him. He REALLY bugs me and now, after seeing this (though I'm sure he meant no harm), I am SO irritated. He made her win about the story and not about her merit. He shouldn't have even brought up that she'd be the first woman. He should have said, "She'll win because of the work, the woman thing isn't a factor." Now, on the flip side, I've been irritated with the film's leading man, Jeremy Renner and how he acted on Jimmy Fallon's show. He, however, has redeemed himself to me on Ellen and 60 Minutes. He was almost irritated that they made the story about her being a woman director and said her ovaries had nothing to do with it. He's sort of a Sean Penn-ish kind of guy. Irritated with the world, moody, but so talented it's gross. He can sing. In fact, he can sing and play the piano...and is good at both. I dig that.

Yes, Cameron can make a movie...more importantly, he can make movies that SELL. He's made some HUGE movies...the Alien movies, the Terminator movies, The Abyss, Titanic for heaven's sake--and now Avatar. The guy has tons of money and yes, he's talented but he comes off so damn full of himself. I can't stand to watch him. GO KATHRYN!!! I haven't seen Avatar, but it annoys me for some reason. It's basically Dances with Wolves in outer space. I did see The Hurt Locker. Was it the best movie I've ever seen? No, but it's pretty darn good.

I'm ranting, but I'm done now. Wow, he bugs.

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We Got Some

Much ado about nothing.

Last night we had 3 deer visit. I saw the motion light had come on and looked to see them in the side yard. I spread about 2 big cups of cracked corn out for them. They watched me come out and throw it out for them. Slowly, the walked over and ate for about an hour or so. I stood and watched them in the dark of my living room. It was a nice sight. There used to be four of them that roamed together. I don't know where the other was. Hopefully, just in another yard. Tonight, it is too snowy to put anything out for them. It would be buried too quickly. I worry how they find food in the winter.

I quit the job today. It was sad. Dan was so nice on the phone and really sounded bummed out that I wouldn't be there anymore. He made plans for me to come in next week to say goodbye to everyone and to bring Z in to meet the group. He also wanted to come by the house next weekend for dinner. I was hoping we'd still be friends, so that will be nice. It was hard to leave a place where I enjoyed working...and where I felt happy to be each day. I never dreaded my job. I have in the past for sure. Working with the Indian group was really a great experience for me. I learned a lot about their culture and was really treated well. Now, it'll just be me and J. Most everyone we've met around here has been from my work. I'm not really that worried about it. I feel like I have a lot to look forward to and have had a steady flow of visitors. We're looking at going to Lake Placid for a week in July. I'll research that. I have to have things to look forward to. It will get me through the monotonous days I'm sure to have.

It's late and I'm tired. The snow keeps falling. It's been snowing all day. The flakes are small, so we've only had about 4-5 inches so far from what I can tell. By morning, they say it'll be around a foot. The snow plow keeps pushing the snow up on our lawn. I'm thinking by tomorrow, it'll be the perfect height to make an igloo.

Take this job and shove it.

Today I went in to work. Jason said he could watch Z for a bit, so I decided it would be a good idea to show my face. Before heading there, my boss said to make sure I came by to see him. Immediately I felt that something was off. I asked J how he'd feel if I didn't have a job and he told me he'd be fine with it. He said I was being paranoid.

So, I went in to D's office and he said, "Well, I have a suggestion for you. How would you like to be a business analyst for the DR Team?" (This means that India has finally lowered the boom and told him he can no longer have an assistant.) "India says that I can no longer have an Admin, but we can place you in DR." We talked for a while. He felt badly, I played it off that it was fine and that I completely understood--honestly, I really did. He created the position and I kept it for almost a year. He's been an amazing boss to me as well...I've been lucky. After meeting with the DR Manager...who was very accommodating to my being an at home mommy--I realized it would be a lot of work. Anxiety set in. I came home and discussed it with Jason. He told me that he didn't get anything done because Z screamed the entire time and that if I wanted to work, we'd have to get a nanny or put her into daycare. Shit. So...I'm quitting my job tomorrow. Jason was super supportive of anything I wanted to do, but I think being stressed out about the whole thing when I'm really getting paid squat isn't worth it. I have anxiety tonight thinking about not having a job. Well--a corporate job.

I will be busy still. I will now be fixing dinners...and doing lots of things I didn't have time to do before. I will be freaking out sometimes I'm sure about not talking to anyone during the day. It's official--we are alone out here. I was the only one who was meeting anyone and now...we'll be alone again.

Thank God for Angie's visit and Dustin's visit and my mom's visit--that's 3 weeks of visitors to keep me busy. Then what?

Will I go crazy?

Thoreau(s) of Passion

ok, she is no longer the perfect baby. Yesterday went fine...she slept, smiled,cooed and slept pretty well at night. Today, she is whiny, needy and is driving me nuts. She can't be put down. She wants to sit on my lap as I work. I did let her cry for about 15 minutes before I came and rocked her to sleep. Bad Mommy has been born. Jason won't be home until late tonight. I can't get a damn thing done. I played dress up today in order to make the day more fun. I have camel colored knee socks with a brown skirt and a stretchy thin pink shirt (damn breastfeeding)--and occasionally I've put on my snow boots. I had to refill the bird feeder, take the mail down to the box and then knock off the heavy icicles from our roof. Jason was worried they would take down our gutters. On the way back in, I scooped the walk. Yay me. Z took a 25 min nap to enable me to do this.

She is sleeping now...after being on my lap as I tried to IM my boss back and forth. He wants me to research a free online project time tracker. Most are for individuals that I've found. I need one for a group to share. I think I found one--we'll see if he's impressed or not.

The snow is melting. I can see the deer on the other side of the woods looking for food in the dry patches. I put out some cracked corn in our dry patches, but I'm not sure they'll eat that. The chipmunks will...and the birds. It's so quiet here. I enjoy the birds in the morning. It reminds me of waking up at my grandparents house as a kid. I do miss the sound of the trains in Chicago. We used to live right by the station...and it rattled our windows a bit at night. We felt so "city" and cool. It was sexy then. Everything was sexy then.

Walden is beautiful and serene, but I miss sexy.

life in the woods

My cardinal. I can't get too close to him! We need a zoom lens. He comes to visit every day. Today he brought his wife but she was too shy to be photographed. I find myself looking for him every day--almost as if my day isn't complete unless I've seen him. He doesn't feed at my feeder, I'll have to get a special feeder for him. Z likes him as well. She thinks he comes especially to say hi to her. He probably does. The snow is falling again. It's pretty, but causes all of my bird friends to seek shelter and no one flutters by. The deer come so early that I don't get to see them. I see their tracks by our bedroom door. At times, when I've been shut in here for days, these are my only friends. I'm actually very attached to them. There is a small fox that comes around once in a while. I see his paw prints. I've only seen him one time. I'm hoping he is safe. We don't have many cars, but I worry about him.

I need to plant roses in the spring.

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