Therapy with snacks.

Well, so far today, no anxiety. I do believe going to the gym is helping. We walked there and back--a workout in itself. It's less than an mile away and it's been gorgeous out. I plan to do the same today. Just being outside seems to have some healing effects. Maybe the fact that it's Friday is helpful, too. I think Father's day will be nice. Z and I got J some things I know he'll like. He's a great dad and I want him to know how much I appreciate the things that Z isn't able to express yet. He adores her. I never really felt adored by my dad--but I'll take the fact that it took years for him to like me. That sounds weird. I feel I earned it--HA! Not that you should feel that way. In a way, I do feel that I made better choices later in life based on what I felt he would agree with and it seems to have worked for me. He's 70 now and his tone is different. He's softer and can sometimes express his feelings. Sometimes age helps. My dad was adopted by the best people in the world, however, I'm sure he struggled internally for reasons I'll never understand. Even though he was loved and adored by my grandparents, I'm sure the thought of the initial "rejection" keeps other people at a distance. I'm not sure he's aware of it...or maybe he is. He and Jason have that in common: the friendliest, closed off people you'll ever meet. Jason has his own baggage with his childhood, but he has it right straight out of the gate. I look at Zoë and realize how lucky she is. He is gentle and kind with her. He's very attentive and always greets her with a smile. She won't suffer from low self esteem brought on by her father's actions. (She may have it for some other reason.) Jane Fonda really struggled with feeling loved and accepted by her father. In the end, he never seemed to soften for her and she was left guessing a bit. That's too bad. Life is just too short for people to wonder how you feel about them. It's hard to open up to someone and show them how you feel. It's very hard to be vulnerable, especially if you've been hurt in the past. I struggle with it. I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket...but I know I have to. Growing up with a single mom and having an example of what could happen is hard for a girl. You never want to be that hurt.


Okay, enough of that!!


You know what else makes me feel better? Cookies. I'll leave you with my favorite cookie recipe from Paula Deen. So delish.  You won't be disappointed!!
Chocolate Gooey Butter Cookies

Ingredients

• 1 (8-ounce) brick cream cheese, room temperature
• 1 stick butter, at room temperature
• 1 egg
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 (18-ounce) box moist chocolate cake mix
• Confectioners' sugar, for dusting

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.  (Actually, wait to do this because you need to refrigerate the dough first)

In a large bowl with an electric mixer, cream the cream cheese and butter until smooth. Beat in the egg. Then beat in the vanilla extract. Beat in the cake mix. Cover and refrigerate for 2 hours to firm up so that you can roll the batter into balls. Roll the chilled batter into tablespoon sized balls and then roll them in confectioner's sugar. Place on an ungreased cookie sheet, 2 inches apart. Bake 12 minutes. The cookies will remain soft and "gooey." Cool completely and sprinkle with more confectioners' sugar, if desired.

Freaking, but why??

Day 5 of having anxiety over...nothing. At least I can't figure out what it is. It will just come over me and I have to try to calm down. I think Z and I need to go to the park when she wakes up from her nap. I'll take a blanket and we can just listen to the birds or something. I will say that Father's Day causes a little anxiety for me. Trying to figure out what to send and such. My dad is an avid reader. I used to send books, but then we got him a Kindle. Now what? He's not a collector of anything. He hates junk. I now just get him eatable gifts. This year it's seasoned chicken for the grill from Omaha Steaks. I was going to get him steaks, but I figured the chicken was healthier. But, it will arrive late and that stresses me out. Insane. My dad isn't a lovey dovey guy. He's funny, smart and well read. He's not very emotional. He's not big on deep talks about emotions or anything connected to that sort of thing. He talks intelligently about things. He's a great conversationalist. Jason is much that way. J is emotional with me, but that's about it. He doesn't get into a lot of heart felt stuff with his family. He's easy going--he's the peacemaker. My father knows how to do most anything better than you do. (At least that's how I felt) There is always a better way to do this or that--and Jason will call me out if I do that to him. He calls me Barry when I am condescending in my tone and I call him by his mother's name when he won't let go of a topic and rides it to death.

But none of this has to do with my anxiety. Do I need a job? I love being home with Zoë, but I wonder if I'm slowly losing my mind or something. (This is something I've done before, so I'm tuned in...) I think I just need to focus on other things. We need to get out of the house and find distractions. Oh, the struggles of day to day life. I would love to know about others' issues with stress and anxiety. I want to know that other women who seem to have it all together are freaking out at times. It doesn't have to be depression sneaking in, right? It can just be being human. I need to look into yoga. It seems so calming. My left hip was replaced almost 5 years ago, so I'm not very bendy, but I could try. Okay, I'm going to go out to the front steps and try to meditate or something. I'll let you know how that goes.

The kids aren't all right.

Anxiety has been rearing it's head again. No idea why. I seem to be easily overwhelmed lately. With the sun shining out and seeing what all I have to be grateful for, I'm confused. I do feel as if I'm failing if the house is any kind of a mess--something I've been dealing with for quite a while. My OCD is really taking off. With Summer visits from family, I'm especially on edge. Being around family is hard for me. I am stressed out most of the time. That's too bad really. I'd love to feel more relaxed when people are here. But, it's just not so. The "alien" feeling comes over me and I'm very anxious about the variety of moods, etc. We have some temperamental personalities in the family. This causes me to be nervous and ready to pounce if I feel threatened. I hate this feeling. I have a very low tolerance for certain things. Others, including my  husband, are very slow to react and have a great ability to tune things out. I want this ability! He can tune out most things if he wants. I think it's a survival mechanism from his childhood. I have a different way about me. My observations have been that the quiet and non reactive get taken advantage of and it drives me nuts. I felt very much that way as a kid. Saying nothing just leads to more of the same kind of behavior. I didn't have a voice as a kid and my parents didn't really either. I didn't feel protected a lot of the time. My dad's parents did a good job of it, however. I felt loved and protected when I was with them. I felt like they listened to me and they were very good at acknowledging me. I knew that I'd never feel badly when I was with them. I want to be able to do the same for others. The one thing I learned from my childhood is that children remember. WE REMEMBER. We remember how we felt, how we were treated, what you said, what wasn't said and who to trust with our safety. They may be small--but they are recording it all.

Today is gorgeous. The sun is beaming and it's not too hot. After I get the house to the point where I can relax about it, Z and I are going to see the flowers at the Eastman House. I could use seeing some flowers today. They bloom whether I'm having a good day or not. I need to feel that way. Z can't be a victim to my bad days. It's not fair. God, this is hard sometimes.

Paranoia and Spirituality

Z and I are back from the gym and the park. I just ate a brownie. Hmmm. We left the park early after a man slowly made his way towards us. I felt like he was closing in...and since we were alone, I felt we needed to go. Better safe than sorry. Ellison Park is huge. It seemed odd that we were the only ones in that area. It reminded me of a story my mom tells about when we lived in Topeka, KS. I was probably 10. We were in line at Taco Tico (I miss Taco Tico) and a "strange" man walked in. I don't remember him. Mom said she got an odd feeling and told Wendy (15) and I that we needed to go. I didn't question it. Who knows. I do feel that if you have a strange feeling about something, you might as well trust your gut. I don't think many do. Who cares if you offend someone. So many women have been abducted because they didn't trust their gut. (And that's my Oprah moment of this post.)

It's gorgeous out. Not hot. 65 degrees I think. But the sun is shining and that alone makes me just want to be out in it. I used to worship the sun. My skin has paid for it. I have tons of freckles on my shoulders. I wish I didn't have any. We just aren't very aware of our bodies when we're young. We abuse it. We drink too much, don't sleep enough, run our joints into the ground by pounding on pavement and cook our skin until we look like leather dolls. (Ok, I'm exaggerating a bit) Living life seems to be hard on our bodies. They wear out and finally give out. It's a strange thing to think about. We just suddenly stop. Well, our bodies do. I'm a spirit person, so I feel we just go on. Jason isn't sure. I think he thinks it all stops and that's it. I don't know for sure, but I hope not.

While your heart is still beating today...go out and enjoy the evening if the weather is right. As we were walking I knelt down to Z and said, "Take a deep breath in!" (I showed her how and she mimicked) "Ahhh...fresh air! It feels good!!" She just laughed at me.

 **** By the way--
I heard today that Paul McCartney is playing Wrigley Field in Chicago this summer. I've seen him 6 or 7 times now. He's my absolute favorite. If he's playing near you--GO SEE HIM. Even if you don't know a single song. Talk about a spiritual experience. It's "tripping the live fantastic" and I highly recommend it to feed your soul.

observations

The Jazz festival is going on this week. I've never been to one. I've lived in such jazzy cities even--Kansas City and Chicago...but no festival. Hmmm. Rochester actually has quite jazz scene. I'm impressed by the talent that comes here. Little Z isn't so much on sitting and enjoying music. I'm playing some jazz in the house to make up for not going today. It's so pretty out. The sky is bright blue. We all walked to the gym today at noon. Beautiful. I'm still listening to Jane Fonda and found myself lying on my yoga mat listening to her voice and staring out the window at the trees. It was so calming. Some of the cotton is blowing around. I try to take in as much of the beauty of the outside as I can. I try to take snapshots to remind myself how lucky I am. Life is crazy and I forget how nice it is just to have the sun shining on your face and shoulders. I get really caught up in making sure the house is tidy and I forget about what is really important. My head gets jumbled and my chest gets so tight when things aren't just so. I seemed so much more free as a kid--but probably just unaware and careless. Yes, I'm more serious now rather than just dramatic. I get wrapped up in nonsense now. I see my day as a failure unless I've done something productive. I can't just lie about anymore. In the evenings it is easier. But, as some strange ritual, I have to make a mental checklist of all I've accomplished in the day in order to justify my couch potato evenings.

This morning, at Barnes and Noble story time, I observed two mothers talking. They were each so anxious to get a sentence out. Each trying to get immediate validation for what they'd just said. I recognized that same scene as being how I was about 8 months ago. Staying at home can be so monotonous and lonely. I could see how they just wanted to talk to someone...anyone. I didn't participate much in the conversation. I've relaxed a bit about it all. I'm trying to calm down about being perfect and trying to find the perfect play group. Z is flourishing just fine and I certainly don't want to spend anytime with chit chat. I'm not a snob...I just come off so ridiculous, I'd rather be silent. It's hard being a mom. It's an odd thing. Being one at an older age is very strange for me. I'm used to being all about my own experiences. Now, I focus on what kind of experiences I want her to have. I'm not great on toddler stuff. It gets on my nerves. I don't fill my car or my house with toddler tunes. Toddler shows on TV grate on my nerves.

I'm going to go sit in the sun. Z is napping and it is obvious to me that I need some Vitamin D.

I need to start playing the lottery.

Today I spent time doing yard work. It's not my favorite thing. Jason hates it. I don't mind mowing, but it's the weeding that really gets me. We have a yard that required a lot of maintenance. We are not yard people. We are people who want more time to drink our coffee and read the paper. We want to hike or go to brunch. Anything, but do yard work. I'd love to have flowers, but I don't know how to plant anything. I'm going to learn so that Z will know how. I sprayed the weeds and then the three of us went to the gym. I'd love to say it was for our health, but I feel it was just to delay the rest of the yard.

I listened to Jane at the gym. (Jane Fonda's book) I learned all about her side of the Vietnam FTA story. I see where she was misjudged, but after hearing her side, I totally understand what she was trying to do. Many really were turned off of her during that time--and never got turned on again to Jane. Living your life in front of the press would be aggravating. The stories written in tabloids get to be fact and you don't get the opportunity to do anything unnoticed. Everyone develops opinions on your every move. I can't imagine. So many of want to be noticed all of the time. So many are starved for fame. Most just want to be acknowledged, I'm sure. Acknowledgement is so important. I think we forget to do this for the ones we love. We went to Barnes last night and I got The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Four of my friends had asked me if I'd read it, so it seemed as if the universe was trying to tell me something. I'll write more on it later--but I am learning! We do need to remember to smile when we see our loved ones. We do it for our toddlers...then we seem to stop. I'm now focusing on it.

Money allows you to spend your time doing what you really want to do. I think that's why we want so much of it. Yes, you can get a lot of stuff--but I think we'd spend a lottery winning putting people in place to do things like the yard, the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry...and we'll sit and drink our coffee and read the rest of The Times.  Oh, and go to movies...my, how we miss going to movies. gosh.

Jane Fonda

I'm listening to her autobiography and feel like I'm in therapy. It's fascinating. I love to hear the voice of the author. (I experienced this with Rob Lowe's book as well.) Unlike Rob's book, Jane's is not light and fun--at least not so far. She digs deep into her childhood and faces demons of her mother and father. Growing up a Fonda wasn't easy. A particular part that I've really thought about is Jane's new understanding of her mother, years after her death. She spoke to friends of her mother and discovered papers her mother had written about her own childhood. Jane's mother spent time in a mental hospital during the last weeks of her life. While there, she wrote of her troubling childhood and it helped explain a lot to Jane about why her mother may not have bonded with her the way she needed. I feel that I've been really exploring my relationship with  my own parents and taking a deeper look at my own childhood in order to understand why I am the way I am. It is confusing. When you are so different than your family members, you seem to constantly look for reasons as to why. Why am I so expressive and wanting to know more and willing to ask the tough questions? My mom, dad and older sister are very reserved about their feelings. They don't share much. And they feel very uncomfortable with me asking any questions or wanting to talk about anything. My dad seems to almost run from me. My mom gets short with me and my sister just sits silently. Wendy doesn't discuss anything. She's very surface. At least she is with me. I have so many questions for her. I'd love to know her better. We seemed to be closer when she was in her early 20s. Now, we talk through Mom. If she wants to talk about anything, I don't know it. She's very bright and was the "chosen one" when we were growing up. She got the experiences of going on big trips that I didn't. She was the one everyone raved about--her beauty, her brains and her artistic quality. She's a very sweet person. She's very much like my dad in the way she thinks and organizes her thoughts. I feel like being sisters, I should feel more linked to her. The thing is, I feel like I couldn't be more different. I feel like an alien when I go home. I couldn't even tell you how she feels about me. I annoyed her greatly while we were growing up. I am 5 years younger and when you're in high school, it's a huge difference. She was just cooler. Now, I can't get a read on her. Is she happy? Does she like me? Is she still annoyed with me? I always resort to my teenage self when I'm around her. I have all the same insecurities. I'm sure many people feel this way about their family.

As I listen to Jane talk about her childhood with such honesty, I realize that I felt so connected and tuned in to her story...and that I was so comforted by it. Whereas many feel very uncomfortable with such brutal honesty, I've always felt horribly awkward around small chit chat. I loved listening to her talking about many things most don't. I felt like I was being taught about my own life. I felt like I was learning things about the way my own insides are put together.  I was so wrapped up in the book that I couldn't even work out anymore (I was trying to listen whilst biking at the gym) and found a couch to just sit and listen. It's been hard to want to do much else except listen to this book. I really  feel connected--almost in a trance. It's making me realize that the kind of writing that I normally do on here is uncomfortable for me. When I'm done with 99% of these posts I feel shallow. I'm happy I at least wrote something, but feel as if I wasn't authentic in any way.  I worry that I'm too deep and thinky. But I didn't feel Jane was at all. I've been thinking about writing a play. I now know it's going to be heavy. I try to be the light, and funny one so much of the time because that is what I feel people want. Yes I want to be a bright spot in peoples' lives, but I also want to write with as much honesty as I can. I learn when people dive deep into their own experiences and share what they've learned from them. Life is so difficult to navigate alone. I've always looked for guidance on how to do anything. Now, I feel I'm looking for guidance on how to process my own memories/experiences and how to use them to make me better. I'm enrolling myself into a class (created by me) where I listen to audio autobiographies read by the author. I want to sit with these people and listen to their journeys. I want to learn from their triumphs and mistakes. I just want to be able to feel as if I'm more connected into the deeper meaning of relationships and life.

Apology

An apology to all of the friends that gave me advice over and over and over (sometimes for years) and over--and I didn't take it. Here's the thing--when EVERYONE sees it--they're usually not wrong. You can never see what you're suppose to see when you're in a bad situation. Doesn't that SUCK??!!

I'm getting pay back now. How frustrating.

Looking Forward

Jason and I celebrated our 4th anniversary in Cleveland. I would have preferred a beach, alone, but The Melting Pot was nice as well. Z stayed with her grandmas--I call them the Screaming Grammys. The mother-daughter duo are rather loud when put together. I guess they've always been that way. (The Screaming Mimis are in The Yellow Submarine--in case you were wondering).

J did well on the gift front. I got VERY cool bracelet from an art house jewler on East Ave. in Rochester. He also soared with the card. Very sweet and well written. It was a great evening. I focused my gifts on our wine collection with glasses and accessories. He seemed to like them. We talked, laughed and had two martinis a piece. A really good Key Lime Martini is so hard to come by and it was so outstanding, I had two. It's my favorite. It's great to be alone and just focus on each other. We are best friends. I think this evolved from starting out as friends and having really no boundaries as to what we can share with the other. I can talk about anything with him. He's more reserved, but he doesn't have an issue listening to me. We have struggles and at times they can take us over, but when we really focus on the other, we return to our base. We were friends for years before we ever dated. We gave each other love advice and hung out occasionally in Chicago. Then, we became roommates. The friendship turned into more. It was probably the easiest relationship I'd had.  When it starts out difficult...it just stays that way.  I think the years of friendship discovering our interests were so similar really has helped our marriage. We probably focus more on our friendship than the romance. We're working harder on that. I think the day to day can zap the romance out of you. The friendship seems to take over in order to get through it all. But, finally....we'll have a date to bring us together again romantically.

I think another thing we focus on is making sure we have events in our lives that we can look forward to. We have many things planned in the months to come. This makes the daily grind bearable. I feel it's important to have planned happy times in the near future. It's a great way to go through life. Yes, the day to day crap can get to you--and it's necessary. Sadly, we haven't figured out how to go through life without working and making money. The babies also haven't figured out how to raise themselves. But, to make sure you have some mental relief helps. So far, we have a family trip to Lake Placid and a bonus good friend that's meeting us there. That happens July 4th. (BTW, if you ever get the chance to see Lake Placid and that charming town, you should go.) Later in July, my 16 year old niece is coming with my mom and we are have a quick trip to NYC for a walk in Central Park and a Broadway show. Neither of them have been there before. Kendra will attend a 2 wk drama camp in Rochester. The rest of her family will arrive for her final performance. We'll have guests for a month or so when it's all said and done. Whew! Labor Day is shaping up and a Girl Weekend is almost set for Sept. I'm very happy about this. Staying connected to women who knew you as a girl is important to me. I've gone through many challenges and was S L O W to mature...and these girls stuck through it with me. Love them.

Z and I are off to Little Gym...we've got to go!!

The picture is Z, J and me at the Memorial Day parade in Pittsford, NY.

My Mother, My Self

Ever find that you think more about the relationship you have with your parents when you, yourself are a parent? I find that I obsess over it now. (Not that I didn't before, but in a different way.) I think about how our time was spent when I was a kid. How they talk on the phone with me. How they supported me in the past--or, didn't. Am I the only one? Do you not find yourself wondering about the transition into seeing your parents as people instead of just as your parents?

I'll be interested to see how Z and my relationship changes. Right now, we are very honest and supportive. Yes, she is 18 months, but...we're off to a good start. The frustrations of raising kids must distance parents--or rather maybe it's just that the self sacrifice is over. You think about how often you see them now. How often do they visit? How often do they say that they want to visit? You think about how many times they call to see how you are...or how your child is.

So many have children that shouldn't. That is evident. How many of us wouldn't be here if they had a "do over" or a time machine. I think about so many things I'd like to do and places I'd like to visit. I'm sure that in 30 years, I'll have those same thoughts and more. Is there a certain age you reach where you feel it's too late to do things and you just spend your time wishing you'd done it in the years before? Maybe wondering if it was all worth it?


I think about these things daily now. That can't be healthy.

Even just a quick phone chat helps

I find if you talk to your friends more often...you find you are have a lot more in common than you thought. It's comforting.

Blooming late...

The cotton from the Cottonwoods is driving me NUTS. It's everywhere. When you open the door to go in and out, it flies in. It ruins the water in the pool and stick in the screens. YUCK!!!

So, yesterday I was trying to find something to entertain me on TV while I folded laundry. I came across My Dinner with Andre. It's an older movie that is based around a conversation at dinner between two acquaintances. I watched it in HS and was intrigued. Movies heavy in dialogue are my favorite. I love good conversation. I really feel that I'd like to try to write a play. I haven't been writing enough to be good right now, but I feel that if I tried my hand at this, I could finish something. A novel is never going to happen. I think I've mentioned this desire before. I need a setting. I have a few ideas...but nothing groundbreaking.

To inspire me, I Googled late start authors and feel much better. Here's what Wikipedia had:

Writing

Many writers have published their first major work late in life. Mary Wesley might be a classic example. She wrote two children's books in her late fifties, but her writing career did not gain note until her first novel at 70, written after the death of her husband.^[59] Harriet Doerr published her first novel at age 74, and went on to great praise.^[60] A possibly more well known example might be Laura Ingalls Wilder. She became a columnist in her forties, but did not publish her first novel in the Little House series of children's books until her sixties.^[61]

Memoirist and novelist Flora Thompson was first published in her thirties but is most famous for the semi-autobiographical Lark Rise to Candleford trilogy, the first volume of which was published when she was 63. Children's author Mary Alice Fontenot wrote her first book at 51 and wrote almost thirty additional books, publishing multiple volumes in her eighties and nineties.^[62] Kenneth Grahame was born in 1859, joined the Bank of England in 1879 and rose through the ranks to become its Secretary. Although he had written various short stories while working at the bank, it was only after his retirement in 1908 that he published his masterpiece and final work The Wind in the Willows.^[63]

Charles Bukowski published his first novel at age 49 after a lengthy career working odd jobs and then at a post office.^[64] Richard Adams's first novel, the bestseller Watership Down, was published when he was in his fifties. Anthony Burgess, the novelist best known for A Clockwork Orange, published his first novel at age 39. William S. Burroughs was also 39 when he published his first novel, Junky. The Marquis de Sade published his first novel, Justine, after turning 51. Henry Miller published his novel Tropic of Cancer at 44. Raymond Chandler published his first short story at 45, and his first novel, The Big Sleep at 51.

In other areas of writing, poet Wallace Stevens started late in life after years as an insurance salesman and executive. Although he was first published at 38, his "canonical works" came out in his fifties.^[65] In philosophy Mary Midgley had her first book when she was 56.^[66] Edmond Hoyle wrote a booklet on whist in his late sixties. To avoid unauthorized copies he wrote the copyrighted A Short Treatise on the Game of Whist at age 70.^[67]

The Indian writer and polymath Nirad C. Chaudhuri wrote his autobiography The Autobiography of an Unknown Indian at the age of 54. He wrote a sequel to it Thy Hand, Great Anarch! at the age of 90. He published his next work (and his final work) Three Horsemen of the New Apocalypse at the age of 100.^[68]

Aron Ettore Schmitz published his first novel Senilità in his 38th year, however it was not until he published Zeno's Conscience that he made a breakthrough, aged 61. Even this was self-published.^[69]

Joseph Conrad was one of the greatest authors in the English language. He could not speak a word of English until he was about 21. He only started writing in English at about age 32, and his first published works came out when he was about 37.^[70]

Small Talk just sucks.

It's hot. Z has her little pool all ready for an afternoon of water and sun. We got it yesterday. We also got a great hiking backpack! We hiked a little on Sunday and it works well. We even used it to watch the Memorial Day parade in Pittsford. She's up high and looks very comfy.

Spring seems to have disappeared. It was here for about 2 weeks and now Summer has taken hold. 91 degrees today. The Cottonwoods are shedding and now we have summer snow. I'll take it.

My journaling is going well. I'm still trying to focus on the truth of the day instead of what I'm writing here--vague and small talky. I'm not a small talk person. I think that's why making new friends is hard for me. I have so many life long friends...it is just too much effort to be so light.

-------------------

We just spent some time at the pool and it's too stinkin' hot for her to be out there too long. Now we are inside waiting on the DISH guy. Our stupid TV is out again. I'd never get DISH again...but for 2 years, it's a great deal.

What a garbage post. Sorry...a lot of small talk. SEE! I'm not good at it!!

The truth is a virus

I've been reading May Sarton and Anais Nin's dairies off and on. I relate to May's more. Both write about the importance of honesty in a journal. I've found myself writing very bland and vague entries--as if it will eventually be picked up and read. So, this week I've been focusing on writing with as much honesty as possible. I can't worry who picks it up someday, I just have to write my truth each day. It's harder than you think. Now I understand why Oprah keeps her journals in a safe under lock and key with strict instructions upon her death. I'll have to do the same thing. I'll find my way to getting safe to keep my mind at ease.

Writing in a journal helps me sort out my thoughts. It also keeps time. I have a memory issue and writing it all down will help my recall. My years of medication robbed me of many years of my life. Many times my friends will tell me of times in my twenties and I'm just blank. Jason has to remind of me of times in our relationship as well. I don't want to lose any of our current time.

Everybody Hurts

Just got done watching Shania Twain's show on OWN. This particular episode was particularly good. The show really focuses on healing. She communicates with a lot of different people in order to deal with the pain in her own life. I've always felt that my interactions with others is how I learn/heal best. That's why we are all here I believe. We are all connected. Our souls weave in and out of one another. So much healing and loving is done by just communicating. I spent so much of my teens and twenties just trying to talk and connect to my friends. The electronic age seems to have stolen a lot of that away from me. So many of my friends don't communicate well via email or even the phone. We grew to be friends face to face and it's hard to feel close any other way. We are all in different places now--we should Skype. I miss the chats in my mom's kitchen and on the floors of my assorted apartments throughout the years. I miss having that soul connection.

Watching the Shania episode just now, I am reminded of how each of us are so damaged in our own way. To see the devastation in Joplin, MO today...seeing how people are dealing with such loss...it's incomprehensible to me. As human beings, we are all struggling each day. Yes, I like the focus on the positive and I see the joys of every day life. At the moment, I can hear the birds outside and love all the green surrounding the house. I love the sounds of nature and feel it has it's own healing powers. The silence. Healing can reach each of us in so many ways. I heal by talking, listening to music, listening to the outdoors, sitting quietly, writing and by just reading about others' experiences. I do believe there is life after our life here on earth. Meaning, I believe in what many would call Heaven. I'm not sure what I'd call it. But, I believe in the spirit and how we are all connected together. I believe that we have so much power in our connections than we do in our separations. I've spent a lot of time trying to separate myself from many things in my life. There is so much to learn. What places/people do you use as your grounding forces? I'm so distant from many of my gravitational pulls...it's hard.

If you get a chance to see Shania's show on OWN, you should check it out. It's at least thought provoking.

Listening to Anna Nalik

As I sit here listening to this album--Wreck of the Day, I literally feel as if I'm back in my bed in Chicago. All the feelings I had in Chicago just pour over me. All of the fear and love and recklessness...it's a great and almost nauseating feeling. So much emotion. So many layers of feelings. So many feelings of love, lust and confusion.

It reminds me...yes...I've lived.

Blahness is out.

I always seem to have higher expectations for people and situations than what actually happens. If you have low expectations just so that you're not disappointed, won't you always wonder what would've transpired if the bar were higher? I do feel disappointed a lot. I hate that. I do take the experience and earmark it for later. I've disappointed a lot of people. I can think of a few times when I came in so below the mark that I am ashamed and never quite feel redeemed no matter what I do. All I can do is move forward. I can do better. I can try to shine brightly instead of being a gray cloud. I am attracted to positivity and cheerfulness. I used to be pulled into the dramatic and depressing. No more. I want to feel like the people in the Firework video--like I have a sparkler stuck in my chest. I wish everyone had a sparkler. I wish everyone was bright and cheerful...not annoyingly so, just enough to keep up the energy.

And is it me or is my blog totally messed up??

Everything disappeared all around it. So weird.

After running into my neighbors...

When Z is with me, I lose my ability to be any kind of cool. Why is that? I meet people and act like a freak. I'm quiet and so not funny. What the hell??

Spending the afternoon with May.

Today is the perfect day for a walk in the woods. The noises of the outside are great today. The wind in the trees, the birds. I love it. Z is sleeping...this is nice as well.

I read my post from last night. It seems so vague. I have so many thoughts that float through my mind all of the time and when I write, I don't convey any of them really. My writing has become very bland. As a teen and in my young 20s, I was so much more expressive. I try to keep things light, now. But, life isn't always light. On the nights when Z is down and J is gone...I feel my mind has time to wander. I think about my mother's thoughts. She has a lot of time alone and I know after she's gone...I'll wonder what thoughts she has as she sits alone. I think our parents are somewhat of a mystery to us. My older sister is as well. She's one to keep her thoughts to herself. My younger sister and I talk for hours about everything. It's those that are quiet that really make me wonder. I want to know more. Maybe we think similar things. Maybe we'd have talks that would enlighten us. Maybe we won't ever know. It's quiet here. My mom always comments on that. She loves it. Back home, I lived on a street with a dip and I grew up hearing the noise of cars scraping their bumpers on it. (I find it comforting now) Here...there's just nature...and some lawn mowers and leaf blowers. Hearing the birds and insects here reminds me of Kansas. At night...everything gets quiet in St. John and you can hear the crickets and the wind. I missed that in Chicago. It never sleeps there...and you hardly see stars.

I'm reading May Sarton's Journal at Seventy. My friend, Jeremy picked it up for me years ago along with many of her other works. That was one of the best gifts I ever got--a load of May's books. Anyway, I feel as if I get to hear her thoughts while she sits quietly. It's not for everybody. She goes into great depth at the nature she sees. She writes about her thoughts about evenings with her friends. Here's an example:
(in response to an evening with friends...)

"All I could do was bask in the loving atmosphere and go to Yeats to express what I felt:
Think where man's glory most begins and ends
And say my glory was I had such friends.
I must say that hardly a day passes here without those lines running through my head."

I love that. She also spends a lot of time thinking about her parents like I do. After writing a memory she had and what it meant to her she wrote, "That is why we are never done with thinking about our parents, I suppose, and come to know them better long after they are dead than we ever did when they were alive."

I love that so much.


Thanks Jeremy. Miss you. Love you.

I left my heart in San Francisco

Z and I got back yesterday. She spent four days being spoiled to death by J's family and I spent four uninterrupted days getting back in touch with my husband. We traveled the CA coast, starting and ending in San Francisco--my favorite US city. I did a great job of staying in the present and focusing on connecting again. Our daily lives as parents can sometimes pull us away from being husband and wife. Jason works too much--but he's always worked hard...and that's just the way it is. After 5 years, I'm learning to appreciate his efforts instead of feeling slighted by them. He's always supportive if I want to try new things. I need to be supportive of how he gets through his day. He's not thrilled at his work hours. Why should I kick the guy when he's down? I've always loved the falling in love stage. I would say I am addicted to it. But, marriage isn't about that. At least, in my experience. For better or for worse. We haven't hit worse...we've just been going through, "really? this is how hard it is?" But, in the first few hours of us taking off alone...we were laughing and having a ball. The man that I've been frustrated with due to his issues with work/home balance had relaxed and made me feel giddy again. (Gosh, this sounds like we were in hell before...no. Just every day crap.) We get lost in all of it. Work, a baby, a mortgage and constant house chores just crowd out the romance. We spent our days talking and laughing and sharing our thoughts about whatever...it was great. I missed Z pretty horribly...but the butterflies reappearing in my belly were worth it.

Jason is in CA for the rest of the week. Already, the phone calls are more upbeat and cheery. I think we're both lighter and re energized.

If at all possible...reconnect as much as possible. And listen to the music you listened to in the beginning. Kiss. Hug. Sit near the other...even if they are working--to let them know you're there.

Lightening up.

It's been a while. I've been disappearing into the Royal Wedding a bit. Last Friday, that's all I did. Got up at 4AM and watched it til Z and I napped in the afternoon. I taped it all of course. We rewatched all 8 hours on Sunday as we put our will together. There was something so uplifting about it. Maybe I'm a little bit cut off from the rest of the world out here and it made me feel like I was part of it. I had the time of my life when I was there. We've witnessed so much tragedy due to natural disasters that it was so nice to feel a bond of happiness and hopefulness with people all over the world. Everyone was thrilled to be a part of it.

J and I are headed to CA tomorrow afternoon. It'll be the first time Z is without both parents. I know she'll have a good time, but it's hard when you can't really explain that we'll be back. Maybe she understand more than I think she does. We need to get away together...so I'll just trust she'll be fine and focus on being as present as I can be. That's something I need to work on. Enjoy the present and be present in the present. Also...thinking positively. I repeat it like a mantra in my head--be positive, be happy, smile and breath deeply. I want to associated with positive energy. I have a tendency to get way too serious about little things. Lighten up...lighten up.

So, for the next 5 days I'm focusing on a lighter, more joyous me. Deep breath. In with the joy and out with the worry.

Much joy and light moments to you!

No Direction

It's 9:47am and we've already gone on a walk. Zoë loves the outdoors and constantly puts on her shoes and pulls on the front door handle. It's warm this morning, but the rains are coming. Highs in the 70...but it always has to include rain in the forecast. The May flowers better be bursting. The trees started budding and just seeing the green slowly becoming part of the backyard scenery makes me feel a bit lighter. The birds are all laying eggs as well. When I park my car too close to the front bushes, the mama Robin spends hours jumping up and pecking my front bumper. It really ticks her off. It's pretty funny to watch.


I'm counting down the days until J and I head to California. He has a week long conference there and we're flying out early to spend some baby free time there before it starts. We fly into San Francisco and we'll drive to Monterey for our first night. We'll continue along the coast until we reach Hearst Castle where we plan on spending the evening on a tour. Pretty cool. You get to experience the castle as guests back in the time of Hearst. Everyone is in full dress. William Randolf Hearst is whom the character Citizen Kane is based. I can't wait.

Zoë slept through the night in her own room last night. This is the first time in over a month. Maybe her teething is easing. It's been a trying time. I figure we're getting finally paid back from having her sleep so well for over a year. I told Jason that we are experiencing what most parents face in the first year. Again, my appreciation of other mothers grows.

I feel like this post is so small talky compared to all of the thoughts that have been running through my mind lately. I've been deep in thought since my return from Kansas. I'm always reflecting and am constantly pouring over the memories of each of my life chapters. I find it interesting that I can actually FEEL certain times, places and people. Chicago has a certain feel to it. It's excitement and a feeling of fierce independence. Living in a city that is filled with young people and constant distractions felt surreal to me. Growing up in a sleepy little Kansas town...it wasn't comparable whatsoever. Everything felt larger than life. I miss that feeling of being excited and scared at the same time. I miss the feeling of being where everything is happening. Rochester is beautiful but not exactly bursting at the seems with excitement. We wanted to raise our family here. But, when she's old enough, I can't wait to take Z to Chicago and show her all the different sights of my 8 years there. Sometimes I want to move back--but I know we are where we are suppose to be right now. I miss the people, the food and the culture. It's like looking back on a relationship and only seeing the good things and wondering why it didn't work out--then reality sets in and you remember..."oh yeah....right...that."

I'm rambling because my brain isn't focused and I just wanted to post because I haven't in a while. I probably should have more of a point when I write. I'm afraid that isn't possible today.


The picture above is of Hearst Castle.

Mothers with multiple children are aliens to me.

The last 7-10 days have been the kind where I find strength in my grandparents. They were married for 61 years and I'm SURE there were hard times. My hard times aren't that hard...I know that. Z is teething and has been for almost a month it seems. Her sleeping habits are destroyed and now she ends up in bed with us each night. I don't sleep well when she's with us. Jason loves it. Sleep is my time away! He's been so busy with work and school, I think he's just happy to have her near him. Maybe if we both worked we'd see each other more. Maybe if he didn't have all the pressure on him. He's a workaholic...though he'd say he's just doing what has to be done. But, I've never known him to have normal sleeping hours...or working hours. Yes, it used to be worse, but I wasn't married to him then. Now, the going to bed alone each night is tiresome. He can't help it--though he's not the best with time management. So, I lay in bed and think...yes, there are times when your husband turns into your roommate and your family is focusing more on a schedule than on making each moment count. I'm sure grandma and grandpa went through times much worse than these and they were happy. This is what day to day marriage is about--getting through the tough times. We can do it. Day dreaming about our simpler times falling in love is probably not the answer right now. The fact that the cold won't go away is also playing into it. We need the sun...we need outdoor time...we need family hikes and swings at the park. I need Z to go back to being sweet and quiet. I have a feeling those days are over. She is a little girl now...and a very head strong one. I'm happy she's not a wilting flower...but it makes for long days and battle after battle.

How do people have multiple children??? One is hard. We want one more...but, wow. Let me get to Spring and think about it. Right now...I'm in awe of anyone with more than one that is still smiling. Am I awful at this?? When Jason is super busy, I focus on making sure the house is clean so that he can think...that we're fed...that his laundry is done and try to be as upbeat as possible. (I'm not able to keep this up most days.) Each person in a family seems to be to be at their max--how is that possible? My friends have up to 7 children...and I'm struggling with one? Hmmm...

Where I basically seem self obsessed.

The sun is casting shadows on the carpet and it puts me in a good mood. It's been so rainy. I'm sure I suffer from SAD. The tree by our bedroom door is budding. This is a good sign. Now, if we could just get the temperature to stay in the 70s.

I'm picking out pictures for books I'm making for my mom and niece as bday presents. Going through them all makes me miss them. Family is so tricky. Too much time with them and I get anxious about how what I see and how I want to make things better. Doesn't that sound condescending? It's more like wanting people to be happier. I always feel I know what's best for people...it's a fault. It's so easy looking in from the outside. Away from them, I feel lighter but long for them at the same time. It's screwed up. I enjoy being left out of a lot of family drama--but then feel like an alien. It's a codependency. I get sucked into it and feel ill. I think many of us feel like we are so different than our families. It's more like different experiences make for different realities. Of course, my life here in Rochester is more calm and relaxed, we only have one child and we have most everything we need close by. In small town Kansas, you deal a lot with gossip, monopolies and being on top of one another all of the time. Plus, you have to drive at least 30 minutes to get anything you need. A lot of frustration comes from a community that is almost TOO closely knit. You are pegged as a certain personality starting in HS and you aren't able to outgrow it. I do the same thing when I go back. The bullies in HS are ones I still don't go up and say hello to. Somehow, it's like you're stuck in time. It's not a fair assumption. When I see someone move geographically, I assume they've changed and grown internally. As if having left your childhood home creates a new person. That's a messed up mentality. It all has to do with me. How I perceive myself. I had to move in order to grow. I have lots of mental growing to do in order to stop seeing myself in everyone else. I'm so self involved. Gross.

Sojourn

I watched Shirley Maclaine on Oprah today. Pretty interesting. I suppose one would watch and think she's absolutely nuts. I didn't. Hmmm. What does that say? I watched her and just thought, "Gosh, I'd love to spend a weekend with her just talking." She seems so calm and one with herself. I've always searched for that feeling. Tonight, I went down and looked at all my pictures with the thought of seeing them as a stranger--what kind of person do I get from those pictures? If I didn't know me, what could I gather? I think I'd like to dive into that more. What do I put out into the world? I know what I think about...obsess over, but how do others see me? It's not about caring what people think...it's more of a real interest of my stamp in life. I'd love to spend some time in some sort of spiritual journey. I'd like to see what I come up with.

It's late, I'm tired and therefore...thoughtful. Time to sleep.

Spring...

Another poem by my friend, Ronda. She's inspiring me to write poetry, but I'm not ready to post yet.

Enjoy her work.

Pregnant with bloom,
Spring waltzes, fox trots,
does the tango and the
rumba past my window.
Ever changing weather
...patterns setting the cadence,
teasing into an expectant mood.
Cleaning the house,
sticking seed filled hands
into cold mud now joyous;
no longer a duty.
The cat carries bloodied,
freshly birthed bunnies
to drop at my feet.
Their screeching almost
drowning the glorious
colors that surround.
Scents, sweet and sour life,
bitter, pungent death, and
nostalgic hope fill my nostrils.
A gentle nudge of promise
and anticipation that
something good lies ahead.
A vacation away from winter
enough to set all in motion.
Robins jiggle, joggle,
hustle for worms to
shove down the throats
of newly hatched Chickadees.
Their mouths open so wide,
expectations of jaw hinges snapping,
as hungry for soaring as I am.

Warm temperatures...but not the ones I need.

Z has a temp of 102.7 and is very cuddly. Poor thing. She's also slept a lot today. Her rosy cheeks and warm body make me ache for her. I wonder if her skin hurts...you know, when you don't feel well and even clothes hurt. I hate that feeling. At least she has a parent to cuddle. There is a news story on right now about an abused 2 year old who was just removed from his parents. Gross.

I've had some interesting "therapy sessions" at random lately. I wonder if the universe is trying to tell me something. I keep getting into long phone conversations with people and really hashing things out. It must be emotional spring cleaning. I have lots of cob webs that need to be blown out. Don't we all?

Still no buds on the trees. BUT! The Cardinal family is very active. They chase each other all over the little part of woods we have back here. There's also a woodpecker that is quite noisy. It's all good noise. Still...I'm waiting until it's warm enough to open up the house and let the warm breezes come through. That coupled with the nature sounds makes for a calm and happy night.

Just stopping by

My new friend, Debbie came over today. It was nice to sit and talk and watch her adore Z. She's very maternal and made me feel comfortable. J and I don't have many friends here. The few we do have are from work and we don't see them much. Though...Dan, my former boss, is coming over for food and games on Saturday night. My good friends are elsewhere and I keep in touch well. I don't feel lonely. However, that being said, it was great have someone stop by to chat in my kitchen...and bring sweets. We have some things in common and spent a lot of time swapping stories. I feel a real friendship budding!! I've always enjoyed being around older women...maternal figures to look up to make me happy. She's younger than my mother, but old enough to be my mother in age.

As I look out, the trees are still bare. No buds yet. An there is a dark gray cloud that seems a little threatening.

Zoë keeps saying her new words...apple and up and HELLO!!!! It's sickening how cute it is. I can hear Elmo (who she calls "Mo") in the other room laughing. She's tickling him. They're great friends.

Master Class

Today, I watched Oprah's Master Class series on herself. It was really great. Very well done. Inspiring. It's on OWN. If you haven't seen it, I suggest you check it out. Even if you're not an Oprah fan, it's a great story. She has such great little lessons packed in there. I felt I learned a lot just by watching it. I'd go into it with more depth, but Z is climbing on me and won't allow me to type!! It's 5:30...ready for J to get home.


Here is a promo:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5D92AN7mpE

Ok, there's my plug for the day.

homesick

Home is many things for me. Home is Jason and Zoë. It's Chicago--where I grew up. It's Lawrence, where I first ventured out. It's St. John...where I fell in love for the first time. It's people. It's my girlfriends...it's Jeremy, it's Dustin. It's country roads and farmland. It's the color blue. It's The Beatles or The Doors or Edie Brickell. It's the smell of cut grass. The sound of a basketball on concrete. It's my mother's hand...or my grandmother's laugh. I miss the feeling of being younger. I miss the feeling that the day was all mine. I miss being me in my little tiny town. I miss my house in SJ. It's all heartbreaking to me at times. To miss so many things--however, it also makes me feel incredibly rich. I have so much to be thankful for. I'm especially thankful for the town St. John, KS was when I grew up there. It's not the same and it makes me horribly sad for my nieces and nephew. They won't have the same experiences.

Be present in your life. Take mental pictures. Take in the smells and the sights of your life. When your older...you can feel the bittersweet yearning for all of it.

Love and other drugs

I'm currently watching this movie. It's kind of a new age Autumn in New York. Lots of sex. Lots of nudity. Wow. Hathaway does look great. It reminds me of the first stage of the relationship--the sex stage. How deliciously fun. I love kissing. I married a great kisser. It was a deal breaker. It all begins with the kiss. If it's not there...the rest is just empty filler really.

Who would have thought our first kiss years ago would have had such power behind it?! Now, we have this sweet little girl in red smiling up at me. She's very excited to learn a new word--up. Now she says it all the time. Cute.

I made an appointment with my Chicago therapist. We'll be Skyping on Saturday. I'm calling in the big guns in order to process my thoughts. Hopefully, that will help me figure out how to deal with some of my current demons. Take that!!

It's a rainy, cloudy day. It's chilly. But, the snow is melting and it looks like Spring through the windows. I'll imagine the warmth.

J and I booked our tickets to California. We'll fly into SFO. Maybe a small time in San Fran...maybe drive up the coast...maybe camp in Yosemite, not sure yet. However, it'll be time for us. A short time of 3 days...but it'll be our time. I expect lots of delicious moments.

F U Winter

It's Thursday. Trash day. Jason had to leave early this morning and he forgot to take out the trash...damn. I gathered it and now have to put it out in the cold rain--poor me. I'm annoyed that it irritated me this morning after the week he's had. I talked myself down and felt bad for being so petty. I think I'm more just totally pissed off that the winter won't let go. I need warmth and sun. Z needs to go to the park. I'm tired of winter clothes and the house being chilly. It's making me cranky.

Mother Nature

Today wasn't much better with my attempt to decompress. I'm still wrecked for some reason. I met a new friend today. She's the mother of a friend. She lives in Rochester with her husband. They raised 4 children. It was nice to talk to someone...and know that everyone has problems. Every family has some sort of issue. I'm exhausted. Every time I lay down, I keep thinking about past events and future scenarios. I can't control anyone. That is hard for me. I want to play my family like little pawns--as if I know what is best for each one. Today, I wanted released. I wanted to barricade myself in my house--in this life and just focus on my own happiness. However, it seems to be tied with theirs.

When things seem to be so clear to you and not to others...it's just so frustrating. Heartbreaking. Tiresome.

I need to unpack. Put my things away. Put my house back together. Make it look like the picture I need it to be--then it will at least look normal. Until the cold wind stops outside my door, I can't even find refuge int he park down the road. I look forward to long walks in the outdoors...feeling the sun on my face and body...the warmth will feel like a hug. I'll feel as if I'm healing somehow.

I'm back.

Got back from my two weeks in Kansas last night. Today, I'm so much in thought that I didn't get out of my pajamas or put make up on. Not normal. It wasn't a relaxing time...and served to be down right exhausting. I'm so happy to see the people I did--but wow...I need time to decompress from it. Being at home in KS...witnessing certain things...it's just a lot for me to comprehend. It's almost like having to worlds collide- my new life and my old life. Now, I find great peace in my NY home with my little family. I want to enjoy the down time and try to figure out how to go about dealing with my feelings about the rest.

Pretty damn vague post, I know this. (And some horrible sentence structure.)

More later--

Join Twitter...

I've had a good day with social media today. Twitter allowed me to contact a Tweeter in Japan and see how things were going. I found someone in the region where some friends are living currently. I found out more information on Twitter today than I did on the news. It's such a helpless feeling. Watching the tsunami headed toward Hawaii and not knowing if everyone who needs to evacuate, has. I have a cousin there. I found out later, she and her family are fine. What a day. I feel for those in Japan. I sat, watching the devastation and cried.

We leave for Cleveland this pm. Z and I fly out early in the morning for KC. We'll be in KS for two weeks without Jason. Ugh. I know he'll miss us. It should be a nice trip if I just focus on the present--and not long for NY. It's good for people to see Zo'.

That being said, I'm not sure how much I'll be able to blog for a while. Maybe, but it just depends. I'm helping with some things that may take up all of my time.

I think you should check out Twitter, even if you feel you won't ever Tweet. It's a great way to receive information. In Hawaii--social media was the only way people were receiving information. TVs and radio were off. It's fascinating. It's also a great place if you're not much into Facebook. You don't really have to mention anything about yourself--just watch the tweets.

I'm vbvidmar.

Block Party

Zoë loves her blocks. Here she is sporting her new coat and dress. Her dad decided on a photo shoot.










The day has been productive, but now all I want to do is nap. We had Little Gym this morning and then her 15mo check up. I'm trying to stay productive...I have many things to do before my 2 wk stint in KS. I worked out yesterday (and going today!) but man, I strained my left shoulder a long time ago picking up baby Z and now it hurts from lifting too much at the gym.

I found a friend on FB that I've been looking for for a while. She looks AMAZING. She's one of those people that was always up beat and happy. She had such great character in HS and was always kind to everyone. Life has been good to her it seems. I love when I reconnect with cool people. Her abs and arms make me want to start P90X. I think it's time. When I get back from KS, Jason and I need to commit to it. We both want to change our shapes a bit, this is the perfect time!

Short post today. I'm fighting my nap off...and losing.

Up!

Last night I was obsessing about my annoyance with certain people in my life always playing the part of victim. I obsess more at night than at other times. I'd heard from a friend of mine that really was down and seemingly tired out by life. I know there are tough times, I am very aware of that. I don't have an issue with it. My issue is that some don't bounce back from those times. They almost wear them as a badge of honor. "Look at what I've been through..." They hold on to it for YEARS. (decades) Some define their lives by the difficulties they've had. (I used to be this way) They are always tired. They are always just a little bit down. Really? This is the way you want to live your life? I love the survivors. I love the people who shine on...and really are great examples of choosing to be happy. It is a choice to be positive and optimistic. I find great energy from those people. I look to them. Some of my friends have been to hell and back and you wouldn't know it. I know it from history with them. They don't go into it. They choose to look forward and live a good life. Those are the people I choose to lean towards. All of that baggage really drags you down and drags others around you down. And children will see it and remember it. They will start incorporating that feeling with you. Just think about it. Life is so short. I know awful shit happens, I do. It's the way you get through it and choose to live a positive life.

Sorry--it's just sucking my energy to worry about these people. I wanted to vent.

So, I'm getting my hair done today. The last time I had it cut was June I think. I'm staying with the dark hair. Spring is coming...I should go blond but I don't feel blond. I feel brunette. Whatever that means.

Have a great, positive and happy day. Even if it is still DAMN COLD...embrace it for what it is. Think...Spring will be that much sweeter.

Kansas

It's Friday. 4:30pm. The sun is starting to head West...and the sky is a light greyish blue that is starting to fade. I miss the sunsets in Kansas. I took them for granted growing up. The sky is bigger...with the farmlands stretching out to meet its ends. I grew up in a small town with only about 1,000 people. I graduated with 23 kids. I got lucky though. There were great people there. Thinking about how Z will grow up is so odd at times. I didn't have a mall down the street or really anything. Our streets didn't have lines...and we loved walking down the dirt roads. I didn't know I was really missing anything. I didn't have a cell phone or movies on demand. I had my friends and our connections. Even in HS, I didn't drink or try drugs. I kissed a lot and had lots of conversations walking the streets of my small town. We had to drive at least 30 minutes to get anywhere. Z has so much already. I relied on my connections to entertain me. I grew up with small town girls...yes, but I'm astounded at how big their hearts were...how much they laughed and thought about things...we weren't backward or small minded. I could joke about rednecks, because that's what small towns produce. I won't say there weren't any, just no one I really hung around. I'm still friends with these people. My class and the class below me...packed full of great people. I'm just sitting here thinking of all of this due to the light that is in the sky. It just comes back...the memories and the gratitude. I got lucky. I really did. Will Z know how to really connect with texting and email and all the other shit out there? My friends wrote letters...and notes and were creative with expression. I'm worried. I really am.

If I could go back and be with my friends when we were younger...go to a football game or a track meet, I'd do it in a second. If I could walk into my gym, hearing the band playing and watch a basketball game...it would be blissful. We all supported each other. We were fans of one another. We laughed and cried and fell in love together. What a great way to spend your childhood.

I'm headed back to my small town in two weeks. I'll spend 2 wks in KS total. I know it's different. My town is not the same. My neice goes to school with mean girls. No one goes to games really. No one likes to be in clubs. No one supports each other. The town square is empty and kids drink a lot. What a shame. Do I blame technology? A little. They don't have to rely on each other for a good time. They have everything at their fingertips. Yes, we all had problems in our families...but, I really love that my friends were of substance. They still are. I miss them. I'll see some of them. I wish I could see them all.

Life has a way of taking all of different places...at least the start of the journey was solid.

Obsessed.

Jason is on the road today. Normally, Z and I would venture out but the cold is keeping us in. Z is just getting over a cold and I don't want to chance it. So, this means...a house day. Lots of reading the same book over and over again. I actually start hiding certain books because I am so sick of reading them. I don't feel bad about this. I feel that it causes my excitement in reading to be lost and I become horribly boring to listen to. I think Z appreciates it.

We started back to the gym after our Dustin visit hiatus. It felt good to burn some calories. Even if I'm not one of those hard core workout queens, I feel good that I at least show up. Meanwhile, I finished my bag of Cadbury mini eggs. I put the other one in the freezer for a summer treat. I can't have it out. It calls to me. I do think they are laced in heroine.

I'm addicted to Twitter now. I get addicted to everything, it sucks. I have such an addictive personality that I can't really function normally with fun things. I get hooked on chocolate eggs, Twitter feeds--feeling like I'll miss something if I don't check it often, Facebook, working out, cleaning and vacuuming. I also get addicted to people. I think living out here in Rochester has helped that. I can leave my friends alone and not obsess over their lives. Twitter helps feed my people addictions. It's just not a good thing. Jason is the same way. He's been obsessing over getting a new watch for months. He obsessively researches things. It's crazy. He can't sleep...he goes crazy needing the satisfaction that he made the perfect choice. Poor Z. (I can see this in her as well...at the gym, she will do the same game over and over and over...no matter what the other kids are doing.)

As I look out the loft window, I see 4 deer. 3 are young adults and there's one baby fawn. Adorable I love seeing them wandering around the neighborhood. Lovely!

Spring fever is an understatement

We did get out today. Went to Little Gym. There is only one other little girl in her class...Sofia. A cute girl. Her mom, Hennessy, cool name, shared my feelings of cabin fever. Spring is around the corner, but it can't come soon enough. Z's runny nose persists. I thought I heard her wheazing a bit, so she has a doc appt today to check it out. (Sadly, I was happy to have another reason to get out!) I long for the days of walking in the park. As soon as the damn snow disappears, we're off.

I continue to struggle to figure out how to feel more fulfilled--with my life at home. I feel that I should be doing something more. I don't have the patience to write a novel. Even a script seems like a long shot (pun intended). So, knowing that I love dialogue, I was thinking of trying my hand at a one act play. I think I might enjoy that. Even if it never reaches the stage, I have the need to produce something. I just need to finish a project. My house cleaning can only go so far. I'd like a sense of creative accomplishment. I batted around the idea of a book a while ago, but I really am not sure that would work. I think people would be too busy for the research it entails. It's all about other peoples' lives. Most of my friends are so busy...to fill out a packet of questions seems iffy.

I started (the first page) of Freedom. It's a BIG book. I also want to start The Hunger Games. My friend Lisa told me to read it. I've done some research and people seem to love it. I started following another blog and she loved it...

http://nevernotreading.blogspot.com/2010/01/review-hunger-games-by-susan-collins.html

At least the sun is shining. I'm really struggling with SAD today. What can I do to remedy? The half empty bag of Cadbury mini eggs is just makijng me feel awful. Self medicating with chocolate isn't a great idea. Maybe the gym. I can see how weed has its draw...just to break up the day. (please don't use drugs)

I couldn't live on a glacier. The continuous sight of stark white is driving me crazy.

hello, my friend, hello

Dustin left a few hours ago. I'm bummed. It's cold. I'm sick of the cold. And now, back to zombiemommyhood. not that i'm depressed, i'm really not. i just miss my friends. i'm thankful that he visited. i wish i could sit with each of my friends and just talk to them...and know how they're doing...and how they feel about things. that's one thing i do miss about college--the endless hours spent just getting to know people.

Random Roc mutterings...

It's at least a warmer morning. However, we are expecting 6 inches or so by tomorrow noon. Rochester normally doesn't get as much as Buffalo...but this year, we're really getting slammed. I'd still live in Rochester. It's really a beautiful place to live. I'm actually headed to BUF in a couple of hours to pick up Dustin. Normally, we love to stop at Anchor Bar to eat wings...not sure about today. Z isn't as easy to do this with. She's wiggly and always wants to walk and explore. I'll promise him BBQ at Sticky Lips and we'll come home. Rochester is known for Dinosaur BBQ...well, not KNOWN, but it seems to be the BBQ joint of choice. When searching around our first trip here, we found Sticky Lips and LOVED IT. We've been going there ever since. We're very loyal restaurant people. I'm very loyal to certain joints in Chicago as well. When we visit, we always go to Flat Top Grill, Silver Cloud and Hacienda. I really miss those places--I have so many great memories there. Chicago is a great place to live when you're single...when you're adventurous, when you're growing and if you're open to meeting people and working wherever you can find a job. I look back fondly...it raised me. Jason feels the exact same way. We grew up there. I didn't grow up in college, like most. It took me a while. Chicago's people and experiences allowed Jason and I to grow into the people that we are today--and to be able to grow into the couple we are.

So, Dustin (who was along for my Chicago journey--tho we met in Kansas City) is coming for our BIG Oscar weekend! Typically it's full of Oscar nominated movies, horror flicks (since J, D and I love them), yummy food and lots of talking. We've added playing with Z as another past time. We have lots to discuss. He's on the verge of making some life altering decisions and it's time to talk it all out.

I need to post my predictions...I'll do that. But, now, I need to get out of my pj's.

Mad Winter Blues

I'm officially pissed at Winter. I'm tired of the cold. I'm tired of my house being chilly and of not going out because it's just too cold. Z has a runny nose, so I'm not going to drag her out just to make myself feel better. UGH! Snow everywhere and nothing melting. (Scream!!)

Update: I wrote yesterday about my friend Sarah and how she seemed to be out of my life... She texted me last night and thanked me for trying so hard to make contact. She says she'll call me soon. Hopefully. The text made my day. That's all I need people! Just make contact!! I don't need long conversations with my friends. I just need a little email or text here and there to make me feel connected.

Today, I'm holding off on making oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. Jason is sick of all of the sweets in the house. I love to bake! I'll wait for Dustin to arrive and then bake away! We'll need lots of comfort food around the house. He appreciates sweets. I appreciate that. Tomorrow is the day! I'm thrilled to have company. I love it. I could always have guests. Hmmm...maybe I'm a B&B person in the making.

The sky is so clear and bright blue. It's casting great shadows on the snow. I have to focus on the beauty of this...or I'll go mad.

Needing to rip off the rear view mirror...

I keep trying to Twitter and I'm awful. I like to read others' posts, but what interesting thing would I really have to say? I post crap. It's ok. It's a good place to get news. Hell, I wouldn't know about Jen Aniston's new hair without it!

Dustin is coming on Thursday morning. YAY. He always visits when it's freezing out so we don't do much outdoors. There's a great Civil War exhibit at the Eastman House, so maybe we'll take a look. He might enjoy the Museum of Play as well. They have a great Butterfly room. I love seeing all of the butterflies and birds in there. You feel so chosen if they land on you. (They never land on me) There's one in the Smithsonian as well, but I hear this one is bigger. Huh.

Z is suffering with a runny nose--this means I suffer and that she hates me this week. Every time I try to wipe it, she screams. It's awful. I can't handle it running into her mouth.

I've been struggling to contact one of my girlfriends. She doesn't reach out. She doesn't return my calls or texts. She does have the flair for the dramatic...but it's starting to hurt my feelings. I actually dreamed about her last night. I have friend-rejection issues. I STILL have dreams about 7th grade...that's just sad. My friend Sarah and I met in college. She's a larger than life person. I just miss talking to her and am not sure what to do. Jason says, "It's time to let her go..." I don't do that well. Once I love someone, I love them.

The view outside the loft windows is the same: snow covered yards, clear streets and tons of deer tracks. I guess it's pretty, but the temps make it miserable. Z and I have cabin fever. I need to get out and go to Barnes to get Freedom. That's my book club pick for this month. It's a huge book...I need to get cracking.

Last night I thought about (or rather obsessed about) roads not taken. I asked Jason if he regretted his career track. He said no, but he does think about other avenues. I wish I'd been more clear headed in college. J's brother is going to spend a semester abroad in London. I always wanted to do that. I should have. I was needy and played the part of victim in college. I had lots of friends, but I'm not sure why. I wish I'd pursued the film avenue more. I think I'd be a great producer. I think I maybe could have done lots of interesting things...

This makes it sound as if I'm unhappy. I'm not. I got lucky. Great husband, great baby, great life. But...now it's Z's time. I'm here for her. Jason says he wants me to pursue whatever I want to do. He's back in school and doing well! (just got his first test back--an A--of course!) Maybe when Z is a little older, I'll take a course. Until then...I'll read more and discover new recipes.

ZZZZZZZ

Currently, Jason is asleep in the loft and Z is asleep in her room. It's glorious. I spent the morning baking chicken. I figured, I can use it all week for different recipes and not have to bother each night with something new. Man, it's messy.

It's freezing out. We got more snow. J is off today. He's been relaxing and playing with Z. Nice. I got to sleep in and I took a short snooze already. I might just take another one. It's too cold to be awake. This weather turns all of us into bears. And now that papa bear and baby bear are sleeping...I'll take that que.

Nice Reminders

I got this FWD from my mom today. I just liked it, so I'm sharing it. You can change "God" to whatever you need it to be...

HANDBOOK 2011

Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2010 .
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes’ walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't overdo. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree...

Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything..
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change..
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come..
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Your body is a wonderland

I keep thinking about the Vain post I wrote yesterday. If I read that as a blog browser, I'd be annoyed. I couldn't sleep...again, thinking of WHY I'm so screwed up about this. I hate to place blame...because I'm an adult, however, I do feel that the comments my dad makes affect me. Just little comments about weight. He shouldn't affect my physical choices. For example, a few years ago I wore my hair curly. It's naturally curly and I was embracing it! He told me that he liked it better straight and I'm not sure I've had it curly since. Jason says he misses it. See, that's weird, right? My dad has commented on weight here and there and it makes me feel as if his love is conditional. It's not. I know this. However, it's the issues I have with men. (Gosh, let's count them.) Anyway, I'd love to be able to love my body no matter how it looks. I only feel this way about me. It doesn't even cross my mind with other women. In fact, I'm more put off by women that are too skinny--which to me looks gross. A woman's curves are so pretty to me. But, yes, when I see Jen Aniston in a bikini look the way she looks at the age she is...it makes me feel as if I need to look that way, too. Jason always says, "She's an actress...she works out a lot. Normal people can't spend hours working out every day." True. But, I can work on how I eat. I'm addicted to sugar. I've always been that way. I LOVE dessert.

This is boring me. I guess I just wanted to address the issues instead of just worrying if I'm really vain. Hmmm. All I can do is be conscious of what I eat and make sure exercise is a part of my weekly routine.

Now, excuse me while I drink my coffee drowning in French Vanilla creamer. Ridiculous.

Vain

Again with the drip, drip, drip. At least it's outside this time. We're suppose to have 50 degree weather today. I expect flooding down our street. Not really, but the snow is piled up to 7 feet in some places. Crazy.

I happened to catch a glimpse of my body in the mirror last night. Granted, it was bad lighting, but I couldn't sleep afterward. I'm 36 and I admit, I have a body issue. I feel that I should look like I did at 25. No, it's not going to happen. Unless your Jennifer Aniston. My God. So, today I spent all morning doing exercises. We're going to the gym a few times a week--twice this week already. I have issues...and I've mentioned them before. I asked Jason if he'd rather be physically fit without trying or have 1 million dollars. He said the money. I said the body. What does that say about me?? I upped it to 10 Mil...but you also were 50 lbs overweight and could never lose it. He said he'd skip the money. Hmmmm. What if it were 20 lbs only? He said he'd probably do it.

We have strange conversations.

Steven Tyler is HOT...hmmm...he's in his 60s...ok, in a weird way.

Last night I went to bed at 8pm and slept for almost 11 hours. It was amazing. I want to have some down time tonight...but gosh, it's a quarter til 8 and I'm exhausted. We went as a family to the gym. Z does very well at the daycare. J and I are really trying to go to the gym at least 3 times a week. I'd go 5 if I could. My muscles are sore today. ugh. He took a test today in his Master's class. Just the thought of him filling out a test turned me on. Ha! My husband is a smarty. The fact that he's kind and hot just kills me.

Sorry. Throwing up???

Tonight is Idol night...so I can't go to bed. It's our together time. We're Idol people. Jason loves to "sing" and I love Steven Tyler. There is something about him that is sexy...right?? Plus, he's just so damn funny and animated. The NY Times did an article about him on Sunday. They raved about him. He's so cool--I really want to raid his closet.

Enough for tonight. A short post. Enough to make me feel accomplished.

Here's the article.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/13/arts/television/13idol.html

Go get Easter Candy for Valentine's--it's better.

Happy Valentine's Day--if you celebrate it. If you don't, that's perfectly acceptable. I'd say I celebrate it enough to get a card. I got J a travel coffee mug this year--how romantic, I know. He always loses them. This one won't be a BIG celebration because it doesn't need to be. Some years we put more emphasis on it than others. Maybe we need it more sometimes. We're in a good place right now...happy and content. But probably the biggest reason...we've been eating WAYYY too much candy in the past month that we can't bring any more in. HA!

Z and I went to Barnes and Noble this morning for story time. We haven't done that in a while. While I was picking out a card for J, an older man asked me if he could hold Z while I looked. WHAT THE HELL!!!???? I said, "Oh, no thank you..." And promptly left the card area. Seriously? Am I jaded or is that just screwed up? When I went back, Z picked something off the floor and handed it to me. It was a Xanax. Holy crap. BN is a pedo- drug den today.

However you celebrate today--if you do, you should at least take the time to write out a few things about what you love about yourself. Shouldn't we be reminded as to why we like ourselves??

1. I think I'm funny
2. I'm happy about my lot in life
3. I (we) created a beautiful girl
4. I have terrific friends--that I obviously attracted.
5. I love my adventurous spirit

There...not bad.

Eat a lot of chocolate today. I hear that the Cadbury mini eggs are out. They are just soooo damn good--addictive and amazing.

S A D

OH it's cold out there. The upside is that there aren't any drips. The downside is cabin fever.

I can't express enough how done I am with this Winter. It is affecting so many...in bad ways. We need the sun. We need it to be happy. We need the Vitamin D.

I know there are people out there struggling. Hang in there. Get medicated if you need it. Or get a special lamp.

I'm not suffering as much as I have in the past. But, I've been there and it's hard. When it's chemical...it's just inescapable. Do whatever you can to feel better. Physical activity does help...at least it does for me.

Have sex!!!

Telltale Winter

Drip, drip, drip...the sounds of our house currently. We have a leak in the kitchen and multiple in the garage. J is going around with the wet vac constantly...and maybe cussing a little.

The snow keeps on falling. 3-4 inches last night, more tonight and tomorrow. UGH!! I give up!! If I could waive a white flag I would. You couldn't see it though...

Well, here is a cute pic of Z though. That makes it worth it a little. She loves to eat snow.












Here's one with the deer...












The drips make me want to rip up the floor boards!!!!!

It's Friday--I survived.

Storms hit Kansas and Chicago BIG TIME this week. Wow. Mostly ON my birthday and the day before. I had friends calling from Kansas City with their misery. KU and KState were both closed as well as all of the government offices. We reminisced about the day KU closed when we were in school. Everyone got a snow day or two in KC in Chicago. Pretty crazy. I loved Facebook for the fact that I was able to see so many of what people were dealing with as they posted pictures and movies of the snow. Seeing Lake Shore Drive looking like a graveyard...pretty cool.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qV3Bcngnv3M



The MIL has been here for a week and leaves this morning in 3 hours. I've been thankful for her consistent playing with Z, but not for the side comments and WEIRD fights we've gotten into. You just wouldn't believe how strange. Z is officially spoiled, but that's ok. She's still a good girl.

We went to Little Gym this week and I really enjoyed it. Z loved it. The work they do with balance and the understanding she gains from how her body relates to other objects in size, etc. is cool. She'll hang on a bar soon! She already walked the balance beam her first day. Of course, she had assistance. Still.

Well, I turned 36 this week. Wednesday. Jason and I went for dinner and then to see Blue Valentine. He gave me a card that was beautifully written, chocolates he picked out for the box and a Pandora bracelet. So sweet. Very romantic actually! He did well. Seeing Blue Valentine was an experience. We went to the Little theatre--an art house. It's not something I'd run out and see again, but it made me appreciate what we have. Michelle Williams' performance was so good that I actually recognized myself in her from past relationships. It also was an interesting discussion point about having someone who did a wonderfully good thing for you--yet, it doesn't MAKE the marriage. It takes many things in combination for love to continue to grow and be nurtured. A good deed does not a good marriage make.


We have a leak in our garage apparently. When I went to get more milk from the other fridge, it was frozen over from the outside...drips from the ceiling coated it with ice. Hmmm.

But, FREEDOM soon!!! (Seriously, I'm being a bit of a brat here...she's been so good to Z.)