too much coffee

Ok, so 2 days have passed and I didn't write. It's almost like they slipped by me somehow. I was so proud of myself for writing every day too. Damn. Anyway. I found a job. They found me actually. I start Tuesday. It's an admin/office mgr for the IT group inside of Xerox. I'll know more later...but I think it will suit me just fine.

Today I heard from an old friend. It's amazing how we can lose touch with people--no matter how close you were at one time. I hate that. She and I were super tight through jr. high and high school--even college. She's seen probably the freak Valerie too much...I can imagine losing touch might have had something to do with that. But, today she emailed me and I was thrilled. I struggle with my bonds with people. I've done a great job at keeping up with most people and my best girlfriends I've known most of my life. But there are a few people that slipped--maybe because they wanted to--that haunt me. Are there seasonal friends? I don't like that concept. The people that drift in and out of your life. As soon as I love someone, I just want to hold on to them forever. I think that's why I've tried so hard with my ex boyfriends...well, most of them. I've dated some of my favorite people (with a couple exceptions) and the thought of not knowing them is too much. I have a tendency to hold on to everyone and it is tiring. At times, I hold on too tightly...and I wear myself out. Dustin and I talk about this. He has times where he practically spring cleans his friendships. He takes stock in them and decides who is healthy and who isn't. I think that's good. I should probably do that, but I feel like I was probably one of the unhealthy ones at one point and feel badly about giving up. I've done some pretty shitty things in my day. REALLY. Gosh, it's horrible. I feel badly still. But, you have to let yourself grow and learn. I've forgiven a lot...and have been forgiven. I don't want to be wasted though. I do get tired of ALWAYS being the person to reach out. Some of my friends just aren't good at it and I know this about them. I also know they need me to do it, so I do. I don't want to be forgotten...and I'd love to tell those who've drifted away that I may not talk to them, but I think about them constantly. There are only a couple of people that I've completely CUT OUT of my life and don't care to speak to again. When I'm done, I'm done. But it takes a lot.

I've been sitting here typing for over an hour. I need a shower. I've already been to the store--so I'm accomplished this morning. Now...I need to clean...my body and this apt. (I know...OCD--but the starting of the job will help this!)

More later...I'm manic today.

Anchors Away!

So, this may be a quick post because I'm tired. Had an interview today that went really well. It looks as though I'll get the offer tomorrow. I think it's a good move. It's basically an EA position/office mgr for an IT group that supports Xerox. It's a 10 min commute and my new boss seems very nice. He's overwhelmed...I'm used to dealing with that. It will be nice to help him out.

I came home and cleaned up a bit--then watched The West Wing all day. It was fun to see all the buildings I'd just seen! Also found some old friends on FB. It had been getting on my nerves...but every now and again, FB is so great!! It really has allowed me to find so many people that have been on my mind for years. Very cool.

I'm tired tonight. Not sure why. My emotions got the better of me. Getting job means it's real. Our move is in a final stage. I'll have a day to day engagement I have to keep. I've been floating above this thing we've done. Accepting an offer feels like throwing out the anchor. We're going to sit here for a while...bobbing along...seeing where it all takes us.

On love and other difficulties

Today--I've been tired. I took a shower, but then got right back into my comfy pants and a sweatshirt. Really attractive. The weekend wore me out. It was needed. We both feel that way. J said, he too has had issues concentrating today. We feel rejuvenated emotionally, but physically exhausted. DC was great. Seeing Reva sing again...I actually got choked up. I've known her since she was in jr. high. I love that she's doing what loves. I can tell it's tiring. You see movies about people who soul search and figure out what they want to do...then there's a montage of them painting, writing, whatever--and they look so full of energy and smiley! However, I feel that it must be exhausting. She sang straight pretty much for 2+ hours. She's performing...and playing...and singing...and thinking...and all at the last show of her tour. I'd drop after that. But she came out and talked with those who were so excited to see her. It meant so much for me to be there that I was at a loss for words. I think I described the performance as "good"--how awful!! I felt inspired and in love...and I couldn't come up with a damn thing to say to my old friend. I should have said, "Just seeing you up there fixed something in me that's been broken lately." But I didn't say that. Damn.

Today, I watched Breathless, the french film Dewey recommended to me. It was odd...I'd been reading some Rilke poetry (just last week!) and it was mentioned in the movie. "Rilke believed that every day life got in the way of the love of man and woman..." I'm totally paraphrasing it. But I can see the point there.

Jason and I had a lot of talk time on the road. It was good for us. We've both been struggling with some things and it was good to finally bring them to light. We love and we try...and we laugh. The laughing helps a lot. We're good friends. He's a good friend to me. He does things for me because I need them. Like driving for 15 hours this weekend to go to DC. We stayed with a friend of mine--who I dated in another lifetime, but J was fine with it. P is someone who I have history with and who knows my family...and has allowed me to grow. We only dated a brief time 10 years ago--I was extremely young and impressionable. (It was VERY much like the relationship between Steve Martin and Claire Danes in Shopgirl--but we've grown from that time.) Our friendship has done a lot for me. He's my "escape from the world" person. Many times in my life when I didn't know where else to go, he's allowed me to stay at his place, roam around DC independently and reflect on life. The fact that J is able to understand that is pretty amazing. I'd been feeling trapped lately...but J reminded me that I'm not.

In a way, this weekend was a way for J to see a part of my life that's always been just mine. I usually travel to see people alone--esp P. When Reva sang, we sat apart...just experiencing it alone. He loved it and we listened to her cd over and over on the way back. He just allowed me to do what I needed. The heavy heart I've had for the past few weeks is so much lighter now.

Tomorrow- I'll share some Rilke. I just picked up the book again and am engrossed. More to come.

Soul Cages

I'm just waiting on Jason to say he's ready. I've talked him into a quick road trip to DC to see Reva play. It would be so good to see/hear her. It's been...3 or 4 years since I've seen her last. Jason and I were very new then.

Been in contact with a lot of old friends lately. It's nice. In a way it's like playing connect the dots with your own timeline. People who knew you WAY back when...catching up to know. Seeing how people have matured, what they've seen, what you have in common that you'd have no idea you would! and realizing you still like them. (That's nice.)

Road trips are great. I downloaded a ton of new music. (The new U2 album, some old Doobie Brothers, Pink Floyd, new PASTE mag cds, Sting, Joan Osborne...good stuff!!!) Love it. New music, new terrain, new/old conversations with new revelations.

This weekend should fill my soul tank...it's felt empty lately. Time alone with J, hearing Reva's songs...hearing Paul laugh...it'll be good for me.

I'll have stories to tell when I return.

Naked

My friend Lisa called today to say she was thinking about me. She said she wanted to start making more of an effort to let her friends know she was thinking of them. (Thank God I'm one of those people!)It's been a while since we've talked every day. Years. It's hard for me to answer the phone when I'm in one of my moods. A mood that ruled my life in college and that I'm pretty much sick of. I worry that I don't represent myself well. In fact, it is hard not to want to crawl into a hole when you feel as if you are not where you want to be in your life. Some are able to stroll through each day with ease. When I'm working--even in a creative-killing corporate environment, I allow myself to roll with it. I'm doing other things...thinking constantly about what's in front of me. In times of unemployment, I am given too much time to think--much like in college. (Should've been studying, I realize, but too late now.) I have thoughts I think every day--which bore me, but seem to haunt me. They are surface worries about if there are dishes in the sink, if I see dust that needs disappear, if the floor needs vacuuming, if the apt. looks enough like me. Every day I think that stuff. It's boring. It's the death of my poetic self. When dealing with me, I've always found myself fun to be around...adventurous, ready to do always do something spontaneous and illogical...funny and experimental--but there also lies the dark side. We all have it and for some reason, I always get afraid of showing it off. In college, I relished it and became captive. I can't imagine having wanted to be around it. And in the cases of friendships that I still have from that time, Lisa being one, it is hard when they call and I wonder if it puts them off to hear that certain tone in my voice. My "life is fine, but I'm not fully feeling what I want to feel today or doing all I want to do...I'm living a day that won't have any special meaning to it. It'll be a day that isn't worth journaling about and where I didn't feel as if I stretched my mind at all" tone.

I feel that I must have been born to do something creative and completely self indulgent!! No one is thinking those things...and I'm obsessed over it. And before you think I'm depressed, I'm not. I know when I am chemically off and I'm not. Honestly haven't been for a long time.

I feel comfortable when a friend calls with that certain lost tone in their voice. AH! Someone I can help by listening. When they call and they are happy and all is well, I feel naked and embarrassed as if I have nothing to offer them. I can be happy for them...but what else can I give? When they are ill, or confused, or really questioning something--I feel as if I am good at being that friend. Maybe I should think about that more--career wise. I feel good about myself when I've helped someone go through something that they thought they may have to do alone. Feeling as alone and foolishly dark as I did in college really made me extremely empathetic to those who go through anything. During the time when Carrie was ill, I felt as if I had a gift to be able to comfort her parents and those who were there. I remember Sarah's mom telling me that I should work for hospice. It was one of the kindest things anyone had told me. My mother told me in jr. high that I'd be the type to throw someone in the water, just so I could rescue them out again. Interesting. Maybe back then...but not now.

I meant for this blog to be about friendship...and again, it's become ramblings of someone who has more time to think about herself than anyone else. I'm definitely searching. Blogging helps at least put it out there. I keep looking at my girl friends for answers. How do they live? How are they coping? Do they think these things? Do they struggle too? Am I the only one bad at this?!

History of Herodotus

So...I got the Ebay book in the mail today. I left negative feedback for the seller two days ago. DAMN! I tried to figure out how to fix it, but I couldn't. I emailed the seller and told her why I did so and I would reverse the feedback if she'd open it back up.

The book is so lovely...I feel awful.

Status

So...these are just status reports...because I can't connect thoughts in a nice paragraph today, but I'm writing anyway.

The Shack--didn't go to the book club, but made the decision to read it anyway. Since it would be my first visit--due to my frustration and confusion, I didn't feel it was the right venue for me to show off my charming self.

Jimmy Fallon--watched his 1st and 2nd shows, rough. Hope things get better for him. Not seeing it last if he keeps it up this way.

Shower--I did take one today. (But I do every day.)

Netflix--got in Breathless (a rec from Jeremy Dewey) 1960. I think it's French...it says, "French new wave." I believe JD told me it was...I haven't seen a ton of French films, more German or Spanish. I'm excited!

Mood--difficult day for one who thinks too much. I watched an Oprah episode that blew my mind. It really had me thinking. Our brains form to what they are now pretty much at age 6...so besides learning new things...our personalities are already set. The show was about child neglect. I REALLY recommend you read this story...

http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/oprahshow/20081016-tows-danielle

I know it seems like a downer and you probably won't take the time to read it, but it if doesn't change you in some way or if you don't learn something--well, shouldn't we all take the opportunity to learn something??!! It's shocking.I'm going to put an excerpt below just in case you don't go at all.

"While extreme cases of child neglect may make headlines, Dr. Perry says these examples are just the tip of the iceberg. "Most people don't realize this, but there are twice as many neglected children in the United States as there are physically and sexually abused combined," he says.

Dr. Perry says at least 500,000 children every year are neglected by their caregivers. "It's like a silent epidemic," he says. "From a functional perspective for the developing child, neglect is the absence of necessary stimulation required to build a certain part of the brain so it can function normally."

When a child doesn't get enough stimulation early in life, Dr. Perry says the brain may develop differently. "That changes all kinds of functions, including the ability to form and maintain relationships," he says."

They talked about children spending TONS of time in front of the t.v. and/or video games as negliect and having severe effects as well. My friends call it, "MTV Generation" because we can't stand not being overly stimulated. However, I feel that I really can enjoy silence. I'm not afraid of lack of conversation or noise...but I think that has to do with being comfortable in your own skin. I had time alone as a kid--but I don't feel it was too much time. In fact, I truly feel that the time I spent alone in my room reading made me more independent and comfortable. It was my time with other people that really caused negative affects!!

Tonight--American Idol--because I just can't get enough. Tea. Some deep breaths. Time with Sylvia...

New Lost on tonight!!

Dehydrated

It's been rather a slow day. I woke up when the doorbell rang--our fireplace needed to be fixed. It was good to be forced out of bed, I was tired. Jason had gotten up around 5, if not before and I woke up just around 6. He didn't say goodbye, most likely because he thought I was sleeping. I've been tired all day. I re watched The Oscars and enjoyed it again. I'd also taped Jimmy Fallon's new show--eh. Jimmy Kimmel had the bachelor on, so I watched that. Pretty funny. Yes...today, I was on the couch. I did do some exercises...but that's about all. My thought is that I will be employed soon. Monday is the interview. I've been out a long time! It's weird to fill your day with random things. Having no set schedule isn't good for me, but if you have hope it will be ending soon...it's really not too bad! This week my low key existence isn't bothering me so much.

I looked around Twitter more. What a whole new world! I only have a couple of people following me, but you can follow a lot of people on there! Celebrities. Jane Fonda has one (she turned me on to it really.) Jimmy Fallon, Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher, Steve Martin (I enjoy him), Jimmy Kimmel, Kathy Griffin, John Mayer...it's nuts! Some write their own, others seem to be more fan sites writing for them--I delete those. I'm not sure how long I'll be on it. It takes so much maintenance!

I'm still trying to read The Shack. (I writing this in avoidance in fact.) I read about 40 pages last night. I'm going to buckle down and get it done by tomorrow night! It's moving slowly so far. Since Ronda liked it so much, it can't be bad. I'm really hoping to be moved. I need it.

Why am I so tired? Dustin (and Jason) would say that I'm not drinking enough water. So, that's what I'm going to do after I write this. Pour a glass of water and read. I need to drink a few glasses before dinner. I don't think I had any yesterday. Isn't that awful?! I just don't like it. It's boring to me. I have Crystal Light...maybe I should make that! Is that cheating??

As I look over, I see my Sylvia Plath book...I'd rather jump into that. Why am I struggling so much?? I think it's the religious thing. I don't want to be preached to. I wouldn't say I'm lost in that department...but I would say I'm avoiding the discussion because I don't know what to think. It was forced down my throat at one time--not by my family--but by others. My parents have never forced me into anything. I've always been able to make my own decisions, even if they didn't like them. Dad doesn't talk about religion and Mom has been very open to all religions. Jason reads a lot about a lot of things. He's interested in the discussion...and he's very curious about everything. He questions. I like that. It makes me feel less alone.

I'll let you know what I think.

Update on my Ebay addiction--played $5 dollar fun today. Found a vintage Annie Hall (pictured above) movie poster for $4 and got it. Also...bought "Manhattan" for $6. It was Woody Allen day today...actually, he's been on my mind a lot lately for some reason.

My Monday

-Put out the garbage can/recycle box (figured out it was FREEZING)
-Had to go to the post office to mail off a box and 2 important envelopes.
-Went to the grocery store and got meals for the week.
-Read Jane Fonda's blog
-Decided to create a Twitter account.
-Figured out the Twitter account is useless because none of my friends are on it...I'm just following Jane Fonda, NY Times, NPR and John Mayer. Odd.
-Made "no bake chocolate oatmeal cookies" because I've been craving them.
-Watched The View
-Forced myself to go to the gym because I felt guilty for the no bake cookies.
-Looked around the gym to feel better/worse about myself.
-Got irritated about the numbers pouring into the gym and left after 45 mins.

At least I went. I hate going. I went yesterday, too. A private gym is nicer...but oh well. My other gym had age restriction...you had to be 18 to get in. I don't have kids yet, so I can be grouchy about the herds of screaming kids that dart every direction. Fathers come a lot with them...I'm guessing so he can throw them in the pool and he doesn't have to watch them. (I'm jaded.) I want children...but I don't want them around me while I'm working out. Of course, I don't want anyone around me. I'm extremely anti-social at the gym. Since I hate it there--it only brings out my evil self. (hence, not wanting kids around me.)

I have a book club on Wednesday. They are reading The Shack. Ronda gave me the book over Christmas to read (and return) and I haven't done it yet. I figure, this is my chance. Plus, I've been trying to get into this group for months! I know it's a religious book...or at least that's what I've heard. I'm wondering if it will be difficult for me to read--or if I'll find it inspiring. It seems to be very popular. I didn't do well with the last really popular book everyone told me to read--Twilight. Oh my. That one drove me insane...and the grown women who are freaking out about it??? I don't get it, but I'm having a hard time with that part of myself--the teenage dreamy part. I've read too many memoirs and can't remember what fiction is like. You'd think I'd be ok with it--I love to escape in movies. I've read 200 pages in it and I just didn't go back. I feel like she wrote it with a thesaurus by her side. I'm sure I'll eventually finish it--but I need to wait until I'm ready. Unlike a lot of people, I know when I am going to be able to connect with a book or not. If not, I just stop reading. I move on to the next. I'll read parts of tons of books and not read the whole thing. Do I have a completion issue? A commitment issue? Do I have ADD??

Tonight--the finale to The Bachelor. Yes, I can't read Twilight, but I can watch The Bachelor. Ridiculous!! I won't say I can't wait!! But I will say that I am looking somewhat forward to seeing the end. (Mostly because I get a kick out of Jason's reactions to the show. He loves it.)

I'm off to eat a cookie...and then do some sit ups to counteract it.

the movement you need

I wonder if people think this is about a bowel movement and miss The Beatles lyric...

"the movement you need is on your shoulder." --Hey Jude.

meaning, the power/motivation/love you're looking for is always within a close proximity to you.

random thought.

"Of all men's miseries the bitterest is this: to know so much and to have control over nothing. "

It is possible that lately, I am more prone to irritation. It's not only externally focused. I get equally, if not more, frustrated with myself! Yesterday I was ticked off that I couldn't get the KU game on t.v.--and now realize that I spent a ton of time looking for updates and the final score on the wrong day. It's today!! Embarrassing.

Today my big fight was Ebay based. I bought The History of Herodotus for $10 ($14 with shipping) in January and never received the book. It was such a nice copy too. Printed in 1940, leather bound...ugh. It was a steal!! I sent the money, the person cashed it and no book. I wrote them twice with no response. I finally had to leave negative feedback and opened a case with PayPal. I hate doing stuff like this. Yes, it was only 14 bucks, but I really wanted it. It really sucks. I love Ebay. I have a shopping issue and it is my way of feeding that need without spending a ton like I used to. I let myself spend say, 10-15 bucks...and it makes me so happy! I've bought 3 movies over the past month for $3 a piece!! That rocks. I refuse to buy a dvd for more than $10 now. I'm all over Target's $5 or $10 wall. You can find some real gems!

The History of Herodotus was featured in The English Patient (my favorite movie). Ralph Fiennes' character carries it with him throughout his life. It would've been cool to have.

(The Blog title is a quote from Herodotus)

Sylvia

I just read this:

"Nothing is real except the present, and already I feel the weight of centuries smothering me. Some girl a hundred years ago once lived as I do. And she is dead. I am the present, but I know I , too, will passs. The high moment, the burning flash come and are gone, continuous quicksand. And I don't want to die."

She wrote this at 18 and killed herself at 30. (I wrote 31 in a previous post--didn't realize she hadn't yet had her birthday.)

Just a quick realization. I felt more like this at 20...now at 34, I feel more hope and less like the centuries are smothering me. I live, comforted by those who are around me...and comforted that they will also die like I will. It's too soon for me to write about whether I believe in Heaven or not, but I do have a strong sense that those I've lost, I will see again. At least knowing I share the same fate as the people I love makes dying less scary. I used to lie in bed as a kid and just freak out trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I was going to die one day. I just couldn't figure it out. Life was too big to think it wouldn't always be around me.

What brings people to such a choice? I was preoccupied with death a lot in college...but never got to the point where I could see it as a reality.

Back to reading.

Bravo!

I DVR all of the West Wing reruns on Bravo...and just sit in disbelief. So well written. Just good stuff--and I feel like I learn something when I watch it! I love that. There are good shows that I love to sit and watch because they are entertaining and don't require any thought (American Idol, The Bachelor, Grey's Anatomy) and shows where I actually admire the camera work, the rich colors in the film and the grit!!--The West Wing and Damages.

Off to go out to eat--date night! More on this subject later...

Back from date night. (ate at a new place for us that sets right on the erie canal-very pretty!)

Netflix has totally changed my viewing habits as far as TV goes. I love to get an entire season of a show and just sit doing a marathon. It's a great way to get lost in it. I saw Damages, Dead Like Me (loved it), 24 (seasons 1-4), Weeds and Brothers and Sisters. I tried to rewatch Moonlighting...not as good. I'm really showing how much crap I watch.

But there are so many more options on Netflix that you can't get anywhere else--like The Decalogue-- 10 Polish films based on the 10 Commandments. Fascinating! Mostly, I'll listen to my podcasts and write down all the ones they talk about that I haven't seen. Movies are my hobby. Until I have children, I prefer to spend my time just watching---it's an escape. I'm always looking for an escape.

Thursday

I'm not sure if it's the winter or what, but Jason and I seem to be reading some real gems. He's reading, "Beginner's Guide to Immortality" (Clifford A. Pickover)--hmm. Last night he read two suicide notes from poets that really affected him. It's about the people of the history of the world who have been immortal by being remembered--going against the grain somehow or making contributions to art...or creative works that leave a lasting mark. He's obviously looking for some meaning.

Here is what he read--

1st by Austrailian poet, Adam L. Gordon. He killed himself and left this note, "Life is mostly froth and bubble/ Two things stand like stone/ Kindness is another's trouble/ Courage in your own."

2nd by Robert Lowell. He wrote this to a poet Elizabeth Bishop, " I see us still when we first met...I was brown haired and 30...I was largely invisible to myself, and nothing I knew how to look at. But the fact is we were swimming in our young age, with the water coming down on us, and we were gulping. I can't go on."

I think Jason is wondering about what he does in life...and how it will be remembered. It's hard to feel as if you are giving back to the world when you sit behind a desk all day answering emails. He struggles with it. I struggle with that as well.

I'm no better--I'm reading Sylvia Plath's journals still. I love to read memoirs and such from women. Men's thoughts don't interest me as much--probably because I'm not one. Their minds function differently. I've read a lot of May Sarton's journals as well. I love her. She wrote well into her 70s. Another lady who is starting to write her daily thoughts is Jane Fonda. I found her blog yesterday and have been reading it. (http://janefonda.com/category/my-blog/) She is 71. She looks fabulous. I saw her on The View the other day talking about it. She writes every day and inspires me.

Today's activities have so far included cleaning up the kitchen and tidying up the house...of course. Made myself some grits for lunch. YUM. I wrote down all the bills on the calendar. Downloaded some pictures and sent them out. Watched Damages from last night...love that show. And....tried to urge my Chicago pals to go see Reva tonight in Chicago. I wish I could go. She also inspires me--always has.

Last night was ridiculous. All I wanted was to make some brownies, relax and watch American Idol. (Jason and I love to sit and watch Idol--2 hours of thoughtless bliss.) I read the directions wrong and put in 3 eggs instead of 1. DAMN!!! I ruined them. They are wayyy too cakey now. Jason is eating them. It just infuriates me when I don't do something right. Especially if it has to do with dessert.

After this, I think I'll watch Brideshead Revisited. I got it on Netflix. Sounds like a good afternoon. I glanced over Craigslist...nothing. I'm assuming my interview will be this week--at least they lead me to believe so. I'm just waiting.

Yesterday's Oprah had some shocking stories of "tent cities" all around the U.S. where those who have lost their houses are living! Professional men and women with families that made 6 figs last year have NOTHING. It really threw me--and scared me. The most shocking thing were those whose families didn't know their plight. They didn't tell their children...or their parents...??? Families are suppose to help! I would take in my family members and I know they would take me in--or help in any way they could. That was so sad for me to see. I know it is hard for people to lean on others, but really...we're all here for each other. I see no shame in it whatsoever. None.

My mind is everywhere today. I can hear Jason on the phone with someone in his office. After 6pm I usually get irritated. Recently...I'm just appreciative. He works hard and he's doing the best he can. Desperate times require desperate measures. He hasn't slept much recently. Last night was the first time I'd see his eyes that dark in a long time. But--he did say he was feeling a lot better about everything. He'd watched Oprah with me and said we were lucky. Moving here was/is hard--but we have so much for a lot less. We're not "rock stars" living the fast life (like we feel our Chicago friends do)--but we're doing ok. We might get back to the city one day--if not Chicago, maybe outside New York?? Who knows.

(took this picture of Jason in December. Wanted his kids to see how their dad looked at his desk--"back in the day." )

ok...the oscar blog--because i can't let it go.

I saw The Reader. I saw Rachel Getting Married. (I saw them all except Frozen River because I just couldn't get myself to watch it. I knew it would ruin my day.) Anyway, so...Kate wins. I didn't vote for her. Anne Hathaway was awesome and I feel deserved it. As always, the Academy didn't agree with me and gave her a make up oscar. Whatever. Sean Penn won for Milk--thank god. I wept after that movie! Slumdog--I saw twice. It's good, but Oscar winning??? Hmmm. It's no English Patient.

I voted for Heath, he won. good. I voted for Penelope too--but thought it would've been fine had it gone to Marisa for The Wrestler. I guess if Slumdog is going to be best pic, then best dir. would be Danny Boyle, but I voted for Milk's Gus Van Sant. I got the best documentary correct--course Man On Wire was the only one I'd seen. (enjoyed it!) I would've given best score to The Dark Knight, but it wasn't nominated. Damn them. Original screen play--I voted for In Bruges, but Slumdog won again.

My observations--

The bullshit move of ABC to cut to Bradgelina when Jen was up speaking was so...Jerry Springer. It really lacked class and was just low rent.

Thought Hugh was hot...talented...and did a good job. I like the singing and dancing. He said, "more SHOW in Showbiz." Yes. I agree...I want to be entertained. I missed the comedian a bit, but he had some fun things to say. He's just so damn nice to look at!

I LOVED the previously winning actors giving out the awards. Really cool to see. It's a great way to welcome someone into their club.

Although I found Ben Stiller hilarious, I knew a lot of people wouldn't get it. I had to call my sister to explain it to her. Yeah...so he's making fun of Whakeen (because no one can pronounce it!!!) Phoenix. I thought it was comedic.

TOO MANY COMMERCIALS! What the hell was up with that??? They'd give out one oscar and then cut to an ad. BS!

Enjoyed Tim Gunn on the red carpet, but no one else. E! is such crap...and embarrassing to watch.

It must be something to be Meryl Streep. Really.

I hope more movies come out next year that are worth nominations. Spread out the love. We need more movies showcased!

some down time!

You'd think being unemployed would mean I'd always have down time...and normally that's true. However, I had my first guest! Dustin flew in from Chicago for Oscar weekend last Thursday. We headed over to Niagara Fall--which were FREEZING!! Beautiful though, really. The ice added a fantastical effect. Then we had a whirlwind trip to NYC to visit my old high school friend Jeremy Dewey. I'd never been to Brooklyn before and it was really very cool. We walked around his neighborhood and as always, I imagined if I lived there. Dustin and I had traveled to NYC 9 years ago in May. This was our anniversary trip! We watched the video I'd taped when we got home. 9 years ago...I looked good! Cute pig tails with a NY Jets hat on...strolling through Greenwich Village. That was the trip that spurred on my move to Chicago. Life changing...huh, guess you never know how experiences will shape your life. I think traveling is good for the soul. It gives you such great perspective! I love to visit places I've been before, but seeing new things is what really inspires me. There is a comfort in going to all the old spots--Strawberry Fields...The Dakota...Times Square, etc. But I really loved taking the subway to Brooklyn--eating at a neighborhood bbq place and just enjoying seeing how other people live their lives. Dewey is great...very laid back and sweet. He just keeps trudging into new territory and seeing where it leads. I love the adventure in him.

It was great to have Dustin around. We relaxed on Sunday--watched The Oscars. I wanted Anne Hathaway to win, but Kate Winslet did. That's fine. We saw The Reader...it was just ok. Sean Penn won for Milk and that was my big one, so I was happy. Dustin hadn't seen Slumdog (won for best pic), so we saw it Monday night at The Little Theatre downtown. He really liked that area. I took him around the neighborhoods Jason and I think about living. He couldn't believe how big the houses were at the cost. We like looking around at this point, but are not in a position to buy...mentally. One day.

I've been into memoirs for quite a while now and am now reading the journals of Sylvia Plath that Ted Hughes had published. I'm really enjoying it. I know that there will be some dark parts, but I haven't hit them yet. Right now, she's still 18 and talking about school. I've already out lived her. She died at 31. It's hard to imagine what her mindset was. (Well, not too hard to connect to that, but not somewhere I want to go.)

I'm feeling good today. The sun is shining and that just does me wonders. It's 44 degrees out. (a heat wave!)

I think the 5 days of constant talking and venting was healthy and helpful! I feel renewed. Hopefully he enjoyed it as much.

The picture is of Jeremy Dewey, Dustin and me at The Coffee Shop where we ate brunch on Saturday morning. (It's right off of Union Square)

Something's comin', I don't know what it is, but it's going to be great! ...

I couldn't sleep last night. I was up from 2-5 I think. I haven't done that in years. My mind just kept buzzing about. I was laying in bed thinking about the women I admire...some I've just recently come back into contact with through Facebook. The creativity just flows through them and they trudge forward into new territory. I love it. It actually inspires me to see what all they're doing and makes me think about what projects I might be interested in starting. (That kept me up as well.) My friend Leslie's photography really gets to me. I'm entranced! It's actually the first thing in a long time to really start me thinking. Jason woke up and asked if I was still thinking about it... I love to see people create. She's always been a motivator for me. In college, she literally changed my direction by getting me into new groups on campus. Yet another woman who has really helped me to find what I could really do.

Dustin comes on Thursday. My first friend to visit! I'm so excited I could bust. (YET another reason I couldn't sleep!!) We're off to NYC on Friday morning. We're driving to Albany and taking the train. We'll meet up with my pal Jeremy and spend the evening with him roaming about. We catch the train back the next afternoon. A very speedy trip. Most likely we'll walk through Central Park and Times Square...and duck into the Metropolitan. I hope the weather is in our favor. The last time we were together there, we didn't take any pictures with both of us in the frame. This time the tripod will be in tow. Another observation...some of the closest friends in my life I have very few pictures with.

Just talked with Amanda and talked through a fabulous idea! I'm going to work on the specifics now. Finally! Something to put my energy towards besides what recipes to try.

I'll explain more soon.

thoughts while dinner's in the oven.

I've become obsessed with cleaning--which is annoying. I think it has to do with the fact that I can SEE my productivity if everything is in its place. I used to find perfection boring...not creative. Now, I think I need a clean space to think. My head is messy and if I look around and see a mess, I become paralyzed. It's tiring--and may just be manic.

The Hallmark holiday was...interesting. It started out very...Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf and ended up with diamond earrings and a warm bed. I've been under appreciating, taking for granted and taking up space in my head--alone. Marriage is sometimes hard for me. Not because of him at all, just because of me. I am too distant at times. I'm also too wrapped up in my own thoughts. I told him that I just need to say what I'm thinking instead of keeping it all to myself. I think appreciative things...and hot things...and loving things--but I forget to say them. He's kinder than I am...or rather, he shows his kindness towards me more frequently. I'll figure this out.

He worries that I don't do enough things that I'm passionate about. He worries that I'll lose myself in a corporate job. I think he sees things in me that need to come out and they haven't yet. That's inspiring.

I know he's right. I feel like an old rusty spring is wound to the point where it's just about to give...and when I sit for too long, I can't even touch my ear to each shoulder--or my chin to my chest. It's too tight.

I'll be honest here--because I've been thinking about it and I just want to throw it out there. Christianity makes me feel like I'm choking sometimes. Not that I frequent church, I don't. We rarely go unless family wants us to. But my family talks about it with us. I'm just not sure about it all. I'm wondering seriously about Buddhism. I've been looking at the books in my bookshelf that would give me some insight and I'm almost afraid to open them. Do I really want to set myself apart in another way?? It seems lonely at times right now. But something is missing.

from No More Masks...

For Witches

today
I lost my temper.

temper, when one talks of metal
means strong,
perfect.

temper, for humans,
means angry
irrational
bad

today I found my temper.
I said,
you step on my head
for 27 years you step on my head
and though I have been trained
to excuse you for your inevitable
clumsiness
today i think
I prefer my head to your clumsiness

today I began
to find
myself.

tomorrow
perhaps I will begin
to find
you.

-Susan Sutheim
(1969)

It's about time

I've been avoiding this blog...but I think about it every day.

I turned 34 yesterday. Jason seemed like he felt he needed to cheer me up. I wasn't down...I just felt as if I was quietly watching time pass. I made my grandmother's cake and ate on her plates as if to magically feel her next to me. All day I longed to talk to her. Then, in reviewing the pictures Jason took last night of me by my cake all lit up...I noticed that two pictures of her are in the bookcase (to my left) were in the background. My late friend Carrie (in the white frame to my right) seemed to be sitting right by my side as well. I may be reading into it, but there's something about it that extends past the image.

In my head I see a sun dial...and I watch the shadow change--my birthdays seem to be different shadows slowly passing by. The brighter the sun, the easier it is to see the time pass. The winter is hard. It seems to blend all time together and I lose track. I've always hated having my birthday in the dead of it. I suffer from seasonal affective disorder--as so many of us do. I need to start taking vitamin d on a regular basis. That and fish oil. These are things I never thought of when I was young.

I'm going on 4 months of unemployment. I believe I've gone that long before, but I can't remember. It certainly seems longer than the past. I wish I was going through some metamorphosis of some kind. Like any day now I'd become more beautiful than ever...and could fly away. I'm not looking to escape however...but maybe evolve into something else. I was talking to Kelly today about what I could do--what I could create or what I'd want to create. I have this feeling that I'm capable of doing something amazing...like I'm MEANT to do something...yet, I don't know what it is. Does everyone feel that way? I do feel that I'm meant to create. I feel strongly about that. And that creation will bring people together.

I recently saw MILK. Sean Penn was ...transformed. I looked closely at his face...his eyes...nothing was Sean anymore...it was Harvey. It's really amazing. I cried at the end. The movie is heartbreaking, yet inspiring. He says in the movie, "I'm 40 and I haven't done anything in my life...." So many though find their way later in life. I seek out stories like that. I feel we all want to know what's possible and that time hasn't robbed us of anything.

It's going to happen. Though I can't motivate myself to blog every day even though I say I will...I will somehow find this THING I'm suppose to do. I know it. Maybe when I'm 50 or so. I read May Sarton's journals--as she writes in her 70s and 80s...she just amazing. It's the woman's voice that really speaks to me. On Sunday, I picked up a book for poetry--the original edition "No More Masks--An Anthology of Poems by Women." Kortney introduced me to the revised edition years ago. Every woman should try to find a copy and read it. It was first published in '73 and it really has some fiercely moving ideas and thoughts in it. There is a poem "Bitch" where the writer refers to her inner self when she comes in contact with an old lover--the entire poem is her working through the moment of the encounter. Great stuff. There are 87 contributing women poets in it. Some are well known, like Sylvia Plath...but some were previously unpublished. Go get it. No More Masks--edited with an introduction by Florence Howe. If you don't find a single poem that you relate to or that changes you...I'd be surprised.

After days of endless clouds blanketing the sun...it finally shines today.