I'm so TIRED!!!

Why does my body react so horribly to sugar now?? I love Starbursts...but about 15-20 minutes after having some, I just want to die. I could go to bed for the night. It's annoying. At this point, I have about an hour and a half of time after work where I am worth something....after that--Jason has to do everything on his own. I'm bushed. He works late and then wants to eat--I'm too tired. I have to eat immediately after work and then start my wind down. WHERE IS THE 2ND TRIMESTER ENERGY BOOST YOU LIARS!!! And...I puked this morning...so violently I was exhausted all morning and crashed at lunch.

I'm worthless.

Mommy Dearest

The weekend was a nice one. I spent Saturday in Boston, NY with Lisa and her family. Her two little girls were with her. It's surreal to see her with her kids, knowing I have one coming. Seeing your girlfriends become mothers...girls you spent so much time with just being girls. All the history you have with someone. I'd seen my friend Erica earlier in the week and it was the same experience. I still see the girl I knew and they are some one's mom!

Speaking of being a mom--I keep having mini freak outs about it. I worry that I'll be too stern...that I won't remember what it was like to be a kid. Actually, my problem would be that I would remember too much and be overly concerned about what she does. (I know what I did) Jason was such a good boy...I can see him being more relaxed. I'm very aware of my past mistakes and annoyances--I don't want her to go through the messes I did. I was slow to mature...slow to realize how to take care of things...or how to be truly a good friend. I learned so much from the women who are now mothers...fitting.

I'm working on being more calm, not letting little things set me off. I've become so uptight since I've been married. I wonder why that is? It's almost like I have a vision of what I'm suppose to be and I'm cramming myself into that. I don't like that model. I need to just be who I am. Jason married me for ME...not for someone he thought I'd turn into.

I have a lot of soul searching to do. I'm excited for what I might find. I just started reading Maya Angelou's book, "Letter to my Daughter" and find it really helpful. I just want to be in some sort of weekly meeting with wise women talking about all the lessons they've learned. Maya has some good points that I'll need to remember.

Matt Lauer makes most news look good...

I watch the Today Show every day...it's been a favorite of mine for years. Watching it lately...it's getting to be too much for me. Stories affect me so differently than they used to. I realize that my hormones are nuts right now, but I also think it's just having more life experience. Hearing the story this morning of the mother who had a drunk driving accident killing her child and 3 nieces...it was too much. I heard a sound bit taken from the funeral of the 3 girls...the father pleading with parents to hold their children close--I just started crying. I can't imagine the pain of losing all of your children. Or losing a parent...losing anyone. I spend a lot of time worrying about losing people in my life. I've already lost some close to me. The memories of my grandparents evokes such emotion in me. The loss of friends...I constantly worry about what horrible accident is around the corner that will take another. Whenever Jason is late...I worry--creating horrible images in my mind. He leaves for Australia soon...and I'm dreading it. I want him to go, but I will be counting down the days until he is safely at home. I'm going to a mother soon--I know I can't hold her too closely. It will be hard for me to let her go. I have some time at least.

When I was a very young girl...maybe 9, my mom bought me the Mr. Worry book. I worried about everything...I need to go dig that up. It's sad to know that I haven't changed. Mom says that worrying is a way of sending out a silent prayer. Interesting thought.

Hold your loved ones close today.

Soak

Well, Jack is a Jill--we found out yesterday a girl is on her way. I mourned the boy for a while yesterday--he'd grown in my head. A girl...wow. Well, I definitely feel more at ease with the job. I was worried about a boy, just due to the fact that I don't know them very well and I didn't really grow up around them much. Women surrounded me mostly in my life and I'm thrilled that our girl will have so many aunties!! Today, I'm just overwhelmed at the thought of anything. I'm tired...I'm anti-social...I want to play hooky from work and go somewhere to sit and think. Not sure about what--I'm just in the mode of wanting to float. I don't want to be anywhere or talk to anyone--floating would be nice...or maybe be invisible. I've always wanted that ability. It's not that I'm depressed at all, I think I'm just the opposite. I feel overwhelmed at the information (all good) coming in and I feel as if I'm not enjoying it. I'd like to get pruney with my happy thoughts for a while.

Sex...for lack of a better word...is good.

"Love has no fear and no vengeance."--the quote on my Yogi tea bag. Yes, I am drinking tea that has caffeine! I am a bad mom. All weekend I felt somewhat paranoid about how others are viewing me..."You don't look pregnant....are you eating enough?" YES. Like I'm already a bad mother...I'm starving my child because I have a fear of being "fat." Nope...I will say that I don't have a huge appetite, but I do eat enough. I take my vitamin...and I'm sleeping as much as I can. Today, I'm exhausted. I'm not sleeping extremely well at night. I keep freaking about how I'm sleeping...am I cramping the baby? It's annoying.

We had a long weekend of in law bbq's. It went fine, although I kept sitting down and not moving. I also wasn't as social as I should have been...AND I had a bit of an oops by telling some young ladies the advice my mother gave me growing up-- in front of my mother in law--"my mom told me not to get married until you're at least 30 (which she was fine with...). She also said you should sleep with them first. (she didn't like that so much.) Oops. I wasn't talking to any virgins that I know of at the time. Maybe she was upset because one of the girls is sleeping with her youngest son--she's not thrilled about that. I wasn't encouraging teen sex! I was encouraging sex before marriage...that's different.

Least to say, I'm not sure I was a huge hit.

I saw a film today...oh boy...

The Today Show had "lost footage" of the 1984 MJ Pepsi commercial where his hair caught on fire...it was awful. "They" say that is when his life turned for the worse. The pain he must have felt...seems it turned him on to prescription drugs. I had a burn on my hand in college and it was one of the worst pains I've ever had. I can't imagine if it was on my scalp. Just awful. It's something each day...he died on June 24th, I think...and it's going to be weeks and weeks of news.

Speaking about another thing that I've been thinking about this week--Jason and I witnessed a duck being hit on Saturday. It was pouring rain on Jackson road and the car didn't see the little guy. I turned around and saw him fluttering around while his 7 bros and sisters came out to help him--this caused me to literally fall apart and I bawled for a good 15 minutes. Jason (my hero), got out in the rain and moved the duck out of the road to safety. He stood by him to see if he was ok and I called around to different animal hospitals to see if they could take him--to no avail really. I did get a hold of one lady who said to put him into a box. The duck regained consciousness and waddled (pretty quickly) across the street into some bushes. Jason and I went home, found a box and came back to see if we could help him further. Jason was soaked through...and very concerned about mr. duck. (this is an image I will file away to tell his child) When we got back, the lady who owned the property said that she'd raised the ducks since they were ducklings and she'd watch after him.

We talked about mr. duck for the rest of the weekend...wondering if he was ok. It's sad to see something so helpless. But on a happier note, it's great to see the guy you love go above and beyond what most people would do. What a fine guy I have.

This weekend is blueberry picking time!! I'll try to get some good picks. I need a nice blueberry muffin recipe!

Makes me want to scream...

The news is still swirling around MJ. Unreal. I taped the funeral, watched it and cried. I guess some would say it is odd to feel so much emotion for someone you didn't know. I remember finding out when Princess Diana died. I immediately started bawling...I remember as a little girl watching her get married. I was 6 I think. It's the loss of a certain presence in the world that is sad to me. The music of MJ will live on, but there will be no more new music. Dustin and I discussed how we'll deal with the loss of Reba or Paul. (It won't be pretty.) This may seem totally ridiculous to some, but Paul McCartney has been a constant in my life for a long time. At times, The Beatles music/movies was the only thing that could raise my spirits. Am I worshipping them? I don't think so. They've always just been my thing...somewhere I could go to feel better. It has changed over the years. As a teen, I was a bit obsessed. Now, I have other things in my life that make me happy just as much...but the idea that Paul is out there is comforting. (ok, maybe this does sound a bit odd...)

The point I'm trying to make is that so many felt that way about Michael...I love his music and I never believed the crap--just felt sorry for him, it was obvious he needed someone to take care of him. The fact that he's leaving such young children is heartbreaking. Will these kids ever have normal lives? The press will surely follow them just as much. Hopefully they will be surrounded by family and loved.

I'm tired today...had to snooze a bit at lunch and it made my lunch run long...oops. No one really seemed to notice. Baby is sucking up all of my energy. My ultrasound was changed, so now I find out on July 29th as to whether baby V is a girl or boy. If it is a boy, I'm sure I'll hear the hoops and hollers from Cleveland all the way here. :)

A Love Supreme

Finally! A baby bump appeared over the weekend! It seemed to grow overnight. It was the mountain air!! We spent the long weekend in the Adirondacks. I could live in Lake Placid. I loved the town. Not sure what I would do for a job...maybe work in a bookstore. Jason could work from home...

I'm exhausted today! Last night I got home, took a shower and crashed. When will the fatigue end? Mandi called today...she's having a boy!! I find out in 3 weeks. I can't wait. I feel like it's a boy, not that I know what that feels like...but it's just a feeling.

It's been raining every day for days. It makes the trees very green and the flowers stay pretty,but man...it gets tiring. The mountains were rainy and cool--still beautiful. It didn't affect our stay at all. Having a cabin helped. I love to tent, but worrying about tent leaks are a pain.

I can feel the baby move now. That is a crazy feeling! It's like they are wanting to communicate with you somehow. Baby V likes Michael Jackson songs I found out...and John Coltrane. Good taste.

Missed Connections

The weekend in Chicago was nice. The weather was perfect. The wedding, funky and romantic. It's a hard place to catch up with people though, so I was disappointed that I didn't even talk to some people...I'm more of a one on one person and in a group, unless there is a space next to someone, it's hard for me to yank someone away from a group. Plus, I got tired at about 9pm, which is pathetic and probably seemed to make me even more anti-social. A group was meeting the next day (which would've been perfect!) but we'd already made flight arrangements to leave in the afternoon. So...although fun to see people, I missed really getting to talk to them.

It seems as we get older and people spread out...the time of real connection is so limited. I am not used to that. I like to sit and talk to people about their lives and have them feel listened to. I guess I'm having an Our Town moment--"why don't we look at each other??" Everyone gets so busy...and life just takes off. I miss the times when it is slow and people are able to talk about every day things...that's where friendships are strengthened. It's hard for some to connect on the phone--though, not hard for me. My girlfriends are spread out everywhere and it just depends on if they are phone people or not. Maybe I should write a letter or something...a card...just to try another avenue. I think I will. I hate losing touch with people...it bothers me.

So, just a little shout out...Kelly, I missed talking to you at the wedding...hope you are doing well.

Get to leave early...that puts me in a good mood. We leave to Chicago tonight around 6ish. Dustin is picking us up and then off to Flat Top, YUM!!! Hopefully the weekend will be a nice one-weather wise. We're staying with Jeremy P and will spend Saturday doing whatever until the wedding. I can't wait for that! I haven't been to a wedding in a while and this one should prove to be laid back and a ton of fun. We haven't seen our friends for almost 9 months...ugh. We won't be able to make it to the burbs to see other friends...so it feels as if we're in for a secret weekend. I hate that, but there isn't time. If it weren't for the wedding, we wouldn't be coming at all. It will be a great time. I got a dress the other night...very plain, but J really liked it. He's great to shop with actually. If he likes something, he goes overboard sharing his praise...if he doesn't, he never says he doesn't, he just says, "It doesn't really do anything for me...but you still look good." That's code for, "let's look elswhere."

So, yesterday, Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcet died. Unreal. I knew Farrah was close...she'd had a long battle. Michael was a surprise....and the media was all over it. It dominated most stations. He was only 50. I have a lot of thoughts about Michael...and whom others call Whacko Jacko (which I hate)--but I'm not sure I have the energy to get into it right now. I will say that he seemed frozen in time...at 10 years old...and that all of his money made him a target and untouchable. He needed thereapy--obviously. He needed to grow up...but something seemed to happen to him, not sure I want to know what would cause him to be so emotionally stunted. I don't believe he hurt anyone, I do believe he didn't understand why having friends 30 years younger was a problem. But, it was. I hope he is remembered for his music. I love his music. I hope all the rest will be outshined by all the good.

We should all try to remember the good in others...if possible, I think.

Rants

It's upsetting when something at work angers you for the entire day. I hate that. I need to Zen out and realize that it shouldn't matter. And it's dumb stuff...and it's other people affecting my mood--people I don't live with or who even think of me outside of the work day. I am easily irritated these days. Is it just part of it? I wonder.

May Sarton writes about coming into contact with other people feeling like a car crash. She, too, is too affected by other people who shouldn't. She's a terrific author...if you haven't heard of her, you should look her up.

It's pouring out. After a hot day, it's nice for it to just rain and clean the air. But, I forgot my umbrella...and I hate being wet.

Chicago

Today has been a bit tiresome, but I'm getting better. Morning sickness hit me with a vengeance today!! When the hell will it leave me alone? I ate fruit and yogurt this morning...guess baby isn't a fan. (REALLY isn't a fan!!)

I'm looking forward to the weekend...I love when you have something to look forward to that pulls you through!! We land in Chicago on Friday night and are immediately going to eat Flat Top, my fave food. I will say, although I love it here...Chicago has good food...and good people...and I'm looking forward to catching up with both.

I haven't seen my friends since I moved...and I'm emotional and I just don't want to be a FREAK and start crying when I see them. (I do this.) But, they'll forgive me, I'm sure... I do a good job of compartmentalizing things so that I don't sit around missing people. Not that I'm cold, I just am too attached and literally will work myself into a funk. But, then when I see people, it all comes rushing forward and spills out. There are worse things than people knowing how you feel about them.

Jack?

So, a man that is new to the company--yesterday in fact, just told me that I am going to have a boy. I hadn't even told him I was pregnant yet. Interesting. He said he's been 95% accurate and made over 400 predictions.

I've always felt it was a boy...but we'll find out soon enough.

House

Well, we're amidst the bid process on our house...and we hit the 2nd trimester this week. YAY! Hopefully by tomorrow noon, we'll have a new place to call home. It's an exciting time...but stressful. I feel very part of a team. Team Vidmar against the world...we're just out here making tons of a decisions -just the two of us. It's a nice bonding time for us.

My pants are starting to get tight, but I'm still under weight. I'm hoping this will be my first week without throwing up. Last week was awful...today...iffy. We'll see.

I'm so nervous about the house, I can barely think of anything else...if it works out, I'll write more and post pics!

Send good thoughts.

Slow down, you're movin' too fast....

Today is the first day this week without being sick! YAY! I feel good. We're looking at a house tonight, I'm excited. I never really thought about houses much...course, for some reason, I never thought about a family either. Growing up, I envisioned myself alone in some cool part of the world. Later, I thought about kids...yet, a husband I was still not thinking too much about. Now, with Jason and baby on the way, I am starting to piece it all together. I want the baby to grow up in a happy house...something close to nature where he/she can hear the birds chirping in the morning and the crickets at night. Being from a small town...I loved that stuff. I loved being able to see the stars and being able to safely walk around town or ride my bike. I went by the house at noon just to see the neighborhood. It's quiet with TONS of mature trees...I love it. It's hard not to put the cart before the horse...Jason slows me down quite a bit. He's slow to make decisions...thinking over everything. I'm more spontaneous...I imagine a house isn't something to make a quick leap to. I get anxious about others out bidding us...in some weird way, taking my day dreams away from me. That's ridiculous.

I need to relax...and trust that everything happens for a reason. I'm not sure I truly believe that, but the idea keeps me from beating myself up.

June 4th

So, today is our 2nd anniversary and I heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time. Good day! AND I didn't take a nap at lunch, but instead, cleaned the apt. (This is a happy thing as well.) Of course, I'm a bit tired now, but that's ok. Jason's been working a ton lately and is exhausted. We're headed to Cleveland this weekend so we'll celebrate our anniversary next weekend. He says he has it all planned out. I'll say he has it thought out, not planned out. :) We're also looking at houses--or have started the search. Our dream house of the week was under contract, but came back on the market yesterday! YAY! So, hopefully we'll be able to pounce on it. We need to work fast though, I have a feeling it's pretty popular.

Random--the Brach's MilkMaid Royals...love those things...I just found them in the grocery store this week and am pigging out on them. I'd feel guilty but I lost 3 lbs from last month and so I need to gain some weight back. I really need to start walking! Maybe the weight loss is actually just me losing muscle. Gross.

2 years ago I was on a cruise ship. A year ago I was in NYC. Today, I'm at work. Yuck. The most exciting thing I can think of to do tonight is go see a movie. Maybe Angels and Demons...how romantic.

It's been a while

Honestly because my life has been a bit focused on other things and I didn't know how to blog about it...because I hadn't told a ton of people and because it's probably rude for people to find out on a blog rather than being told. hmmmm. I'll just say this then...I haven't blogged due to the fact that when I get home I'm immediately on the couch sleeping or trying to ignore the fact that I'm going to throw up soon. I throw up a lot...and I sleep a lot. And it's all tiring and for me to think about writing on here...I almost can't manage. Mostly because I'm a huge wimp when it comes to being sick. I hate feeling nauseous...HATE IT!! Throwing up isn't too far after. But...tomorrow will be 12 weeks and that's a mini milestone! :) YAY! Haven't thought too much in the future--except we're ready to look for a house finally. Neither of us really cared...and then suddenly, we want more space. I'm excited for all the new things to come...and will eventually start writing more regularly...eventually.

Things that make me homesick.

smelling freshly cut grass--Hearing a lawn mower in the distance
hearing a basketball bouncing on pavement
the sound of track meets--annoucements over the loud speaker
crickets and frogs at night
the smell of coppertone
anything from U2 War
smell of hot black top
a car scratching it's bumper on a dip
track spikes on cement
(i loved track season...i wasn't any good, but my friends were)
gym shoes squeaking on a gym floor
the squeaking of a swing set
the smell of gasoline
fireflies
the smell of noxema
burning leaves
the sound of a boat engine taking in some water
(i miss the lake)
the sound of a tent zipper

I can hear all the sounds of my grandparents' houses...the doors when they opened and shut...everything. Also...the sounds of St. John...the whistle is a big one. I can hear so many things I grew up listening to. It's amazing. Life used to be so simple.

the day that should have been

(for Jen)

I wake up at 7am...filled with energy and a good feeling about the day. I cleaned the apt last night, so now I can relish in the cleanliness of it! Jason set the coffee to brew and I can smell it throughout the house. It's sunny. It's warm. I'm not in the least bit fatigued and sit down to finally read a book on the couch...

That's the start. Unfortunately, it's now how today is going and I'm exhausted...so I'll have to write more of it later. How sad!!

Sounds of Silence

It's Friday and people are leaving early from the office. Oh, how I wish I were too. I have an hour left. A group of us are going to see Wolverine tonight. I love Hugh...he's amazing to watch. I wish Wolverine could do a little sing and dance routine, but maybe that's not really in his character. There's something about a man who can really entertain--whether it be singing, dancing, playing an instrument...or even tell great jokes. The multi talented stars are fading. The days of an actor being able to do it all seem to be left to black and white. Sure, we have some...but it seems that beauty dominates over anything else--even talent. That's too bad. Even the radio had constant crap on it. I rarely listen to new music...I have a few that I do--but mostly, not. I love listening to my Pauls--McCartney and Simon. They always center me somehow. Silly maybe.

This weekend our goal is to do a lot of cleaning and relaxing. Can't wait. There's nothing like cleaning the crap out of your place and then just relaxing in the Pledge fumes. (Maybe that's only me??)