2011 will be a better year.

Tonight we welcome 2011. A new year. I love the opportunity to reflect and look ahead. I have so many things I'd like to see come to fruition in the new year. Most have to do with my inner self. I'm constantly trying to find ways to become a better me. One of the things I could do is to stop looking backwards and regretting things I can't change and focus on how I want to live the rest of my life. How do I want to affect those who come into contact with me? We all have those friends in our lives who energize us and make us feel happier to be around them. I want to be one of those people. I feel that I've used up my years of being judgmental and sarcastic. It's time to be more positive and motivating. Smile more. Laugh more. See the bright side. Life is so full of things that drag us down--it's not easy to trudge through when we encounter horrible losses. It's hard to understand why bad things happen. It's hard to wonder if we could have done something more in certain situations. However, you CAN do something. Learn. Try again. Move through it. I've seen a lot of sadness this year in my life and in the lives of others. It is hard to comfort those who are so bereft. Some don't want to feel better it seems. (This used to be me.) Feeling better and trying to move on doesn't make what you went through any lesser of an experience. It doesn't come across to others that you didn't care. It's survival. It's being better for yourself and for those around you. It is true that you can become stronger after great loss.

2011 is a year for being stronger and better and happier than you've been before. You can break the mold you've created for yourself. You can change how you feel about anything! You can become brighter and you can learn as many new things as you can fit into each day. I want to feel differently about things. I want to be more cheerful. I want to lose some of the armor I wear each day in order to not get hurt--and just be present. I want to be better. I want Z to see me as a positive force in her life.

It sounds like I got high before I wrote this...but I swear, it's just me...wanting to change.

Some Vaca Pics

The New Year

2011 is looking to be a happy one. 2010 was very happy...so why not keep it going?! This morning, Jason and I mapped out our individual and joint goals for the year. It's a way of beginning again on some things we came up short with last year. I love that feeling of being renewed in a way. I know it's a day like every other day, but the fact that I can make it feel like something more seems to affect its power. I love new beginnings...hence my addiction to relocating. I think I'm finally settled where I am. Now, to get my fix, I map out my year. How do I want to be better? How would I like to feel better this year? What can I do to be a more authentic? Yes, I've been reading in my O magazine...

Here are some of the goals I have thus far:
1. Read more
2. Create photo albums (because having all of our pics on the computer isn't user friendly)
3. Start Z's scrapbook.
4. Shop by a list (this will be the hardest)
5. hit the gym 3x a week.
6. Clear out old paper work.
7. Be more positive, overall.
8. Plan family outings
9. Write a letter a week--an art that is slipping away...and my fam and friends will enjoy it!
10. Write daily--blog or journal.

Yes, of course I want to eat better and get more sleep, but that's a given. I'm energized by this list! I love the idea of restarting. I'm going to print my list and put it on the fridge to keep me honest.

And we're back!

Back from the sun...though not hot, it was warmer than Rochester. Our house was chilly...but clean and nice to come back to. When we arrived at ROC, our car was dead. We were exhausted, it was freezing and Z was sleeping. We opted to just take a cab home and return to the issue in the morning. Good choice. Sleeping in our bed was great. I got these great $20 flannel sheets at Target and it really warmed up our sleep!! They are really pretty, too. I love Target...and Target stock loves me.

Today is a day for napping and slowly putting our things away. We still have many icicles but no leaks. I'm not ready for the holiday to be over. Being away from home during the holiday was nice, but spending Christmas day on the beach was surreal. It just didn't feel quite right. The Vidmars were engrossed in Mad Men and so we watched that daily as they are trying to catch up to the current season. I own the seasons, so I'd seen each episode 3 times already. However, listening to them discuss Don Draper's actions was amusing. We also played poker almost every day. I'm getting better...but now will have a drought for months probably. Jason isn't into card games.

I'll post some pics of Z at Disney World soon. That was a great time. She was only there for 5 hours. The grandparents came to get her and 5 of us stayed out late. We spent the evening in Epcot going from country to country drinking and eating...and shopping. So much fun! At 9 some were pooped--we'd been at it since 8am. J and I were ready to head back to the Magic Kingdom and see the fireworks, so we went alone. Wow...just beautiful!! It really does make you feel like a kid to be there. It was so nicely done. Just a great way to spend the day.

Z and J are now taking naps and the dishwasher is running in the background...all is good.

Leaving on a jet plane...

with a one year old child...should be fun.

We're headed to Orlando tomorrow for Christmas. I'm looking forward to it in a way. When I get there, I'll be happy. Getting there is the key. Getting my husband to unplug and relax is going to be a chore. He's so stressed out that he broke out in hives this evening. His age is catching up with him. His body is pissed about how it's been treated and it's showing him. J isn't a good sleeper. He works all the time. His mind will not shut off. It's actually pretty horrible. He's a perfectionist...but he's also a procrastinator. Those two make for some horrible sleeping hours.

I doubt I'll be able to blog from FL. I'll post pics when I return of Z's encounter with Disney characters. She will have no idea who they are, but the Magic Kingdom should be done up for the holidays so it will be pretty to be there. I want to see Black Swan. That's what I want for Christmas!! Someone stay with my child so I can see a freaking movie!

Last night, I had a dream about James Franco. I'm not sure why I'm sharing this...because it was THAT kind of dream. I woke up with a huge crush. May need to see his movie too.

Let's hope I dream of him tonight as well! :)

Happy Holidays to anyone coming across this post. Make a list of what you are thankful for and put it on the fridge...I think you'll realize there's more than you think.

Slacker

It's Tuesday. It's snowing out...we probably have 7 inches and are expecting about 5 more. I have a book club tonight and I'm at the computer trying to cram for it. We're discussing A Light In August tonight and I didn't read it. I didn't even buy it. I found it online and was looking through it and now it's gone--the online book is missing. So, I'm reading all the notes I can find so that I can come of somewhat intelligent. I will tell them that I didn't read it, but that I really needed an outing. It meets downtown at a little place that serves chocolate and wine. So far there are 18 going. 4 dropped out due to the snow. We're also having a book exchange of books we don't want anymore. I just got done wrapping mine. It's "Secret Lives of Men and Women." I'd ordered it and then realized it was kind of a crap book. So, it can collect dust somewhere else.

Z seems to be giving up one of her naps during the day. This sucks. The morning nap allows me to shower and get ready for the day. The afternoon nap allows me to either clean house or nap myself! (Or to research a book I haven't read) Please let this just be a phase. She's teething badly and has been all out of sorts.

I'm DREADING the flight to Orlando on Saturday. I can't wait to get there...but holding Z on my lap seems to be a crazy move. She wants to walk. She won't want to sit for over 2 hours. I feel a lot of "looks" and glances coming our way. I've always been very nice to other mothers on planes with children who scream--please let this be my pay it forward moment.

I'm really hoping there is at least one interesting person tonight. Could I have a future friend? I feel like I'm speed friending. I want to sit down with each person for a few minutes and decide whether I want to pursue a friendship with them or not. I have wonderful friends...but none of them live here. I miss having someone to go to eat or to movies with--other than J, of course. Please don't let this be a singles meet up group.

An update to come...

Inside. (A schizo post)

I've been watching Inside Actor's Studio for years. Last night, I watched James Franco. And it happened again. This thing that always happens. When I watch it, I have some sort of magical experience...like the universe is talking to me. I know this sounds crazy. But, I feel very connected to the actor on stage...like I have an inner voice that's trying to get out. I've always felt that I had some type of art inside of me. I've wrestled with the idea of a book. I've thought about scripts. I feel that I should have pursued being a film producer. I just told Jason a few weeks ago that I feel I would be a great film producer. I feel I could write some type of script that may not be Oscar worthy, but I feel that I would be proud of it. It's in here...somewhere. I feel it. (Is this really strange and conceited?) It's more like there is something inside me that I know needs to get out. By the end of IAS, I always put myself on stage and answer James Lipton's questions. So, last night I thought..."what a great idea! I'll just write how I want the interview to go--like a creative writing exercise...and maybe I'll find some type of inspiration or maybe the idea will come out naturally."

This is jr. highish, I realize it. It's almost like I'm going to write my epitaph and then see if I can live my life in accordance to it. I'll be living backwards.

So, anyway, I'm headed to Orlando at the end of the week and I'm going to make this my assignment. When I'm done, I'll post it.

If you haven't watched Inside The Actor's Studio on BRAVO...you should really try to take in an episode or two. They really are inspiring. Streisand's is my favorite. Netflix has some you can get. Hulu has clips of episodes.

Out of it.

My dad was here for 5 days, so I've been neglectful here. It was a great visit. We have a long history of me being a total nervous wreck when he's around, but this time was different. He was open and complimentary and very easy to be around. I do enjoy that some things get better with age. My relationships are one. I still have some to work on, but this one took a long time to get to this point.

Z turned 1 last Sunday. I can't believe it. She can now be forward facing in the car. Unreal. She's getting away from the bottle. She drinks from a sippy cup! She drinks whole milk instead of formula. She shows frustration a lot more. She also shows joy in a great number of new ways. She can say mamamamama and dadadada. I'm not sure she understands what she's saying, but I'll take it.

I've been a little off the radar for a bit. My friends are starting to contact me to see if I'm still around. I need to send out Thank You notes that are WAYYY past due today. Looks like I need to check back into Valerie for a bit and Mommy needs to take a break.

The snow is here for good. The icicles are ripping through our home and we have had 2 major leaks already. Ugh. We get a break today but tomorrow bring another big storm. Today everything is melting and slushy and dreary. I need to shower and start my day feeling human.

It's Friday. I look tired and feel awful. Happy Weekend!!

On the evenings before Jason leaves for a trip he stays up...late. He's manic and can't sleep. Thus, I don't sleep either. He comes down late, wakes me up and then proceeds to crash. I am left awake. He then has his alarm set to a time that he KNOWS he won't get out of bed and I'm left to jab him, "turn off the alarm. Get up." He snoozes the alarm and goes back to sleep. This happens every 8 minutes for a while. "You told me to wake you up. You have a flight, get up." He finally rolls out of bed and then frantically gets ready and rushes around the house (since now he's late) and I lay in bed listening to all of it.

Least to say, I'm tired today. I have much to do. Z and I will drive to Cleveland tomorrow to meet J. He's there for business and is staying over to wait for us. My dad is coming to Rochester on Monday. The house needs some help. The laundry needs doing. The yard is a disaster. I'm going to do my best today to get as many chores done as I can. All I want to do is nap. I looked at myself in the mirror and I look awful. I'm starting to get permanent dark circles under my eyes. It's not a pretty sight.

The snow will be here all of next week. It's official: it's cold out. Damn. I love the fluffy, beautiful white covering...but I hate the cold.

Let's end on a positive note. I worked out 3x this week at the gym. (but haven't stopped desserts) If I could just stop snacking...

Yes, I'm going to bitch about my mother in law.

Zoë turns 1 on Sunday. We are going to Cleveland this weekend so that her grandma can celebrate it with her. I don't want to go. I want to be selfish and have the party here. Of course, that means that only J and I would be in attendance, but that's how it was when she was born...and she won't remember this anyway. Because it is her first birthday, I'm feeling territorial. I want it to be MY cupcake she eats, not something made by someone else. We already gave her the cake and icing that I had when I was one last weekend. However, I think it's just the way it's being handled by her grandma. She demands things. She doesn't ask. She is going to have it HER way. It makes me want to say, "this is my daughter, we are celebrating at home, you're not invited." Ok, that's mean. I want Z to have a great relationship with her grandparents. It's just this particular grandparent doesn't ASK anything. She makes plans without consulting us. She counts the hours we spend at each house--(J has divorced parents and we have to split time.) She questions my mothering skills. She CONSTANTLY makes comments about Z's bedtime. "6:30 is too early! I don't know any baby that goes to bed that early!" (This makes me want to scream.) This discussion has gone on for weeks. It WAS 7:30, but then daylight savings moved the time back...so it's an hour earlier. The time changed...she didn't. I'm so not looking forward to this trip. I have daydreams about screaming, "ENOUGH!!! She is MY daughter...I make the decisions and we're going home!" This won't happen. Jason is totally the other direction. He's Mr. Peace Maker. He doesn't confront anyone. He doesn't stir the pot. He ignores her comments. He doesn't shut down conversations because he says it just makes things worse. He's had his entire life to "master" the dealings with his mother. I've had a couple of years and I'm ALL ABOUT confrontation!

Give me strength to get through this. Make it snow so we don't have to go.

I need a Delorean.

While cleaning out the garage, Jason found lots of memorabilia from his teenage years. In this pile were videos of his 9th grade English assignment of a scene from Great Expectations. It's adorable. He plays Pip. Attached to this clip was a little family video he filmed from around that time. They are all in the kitchen and he's talking behind the camera. I love it. I've often wondered what we'd think of each other had we'd met earlier. Jason says that we would never have worked back then. He was too to the "right" and I was too to the "left." It's true. He was VERY conservative back then. Our liberal minds didn't match up until 2005. I'm surprised how much he's changed compared to his high school and college years. I've matured, but my views on most everything have stayed the same. In the video, he was so much younger, yes, but he was also lighter. Life weighs you down as it hands you a job, a hefty mortgage, marriage and parenting. He's very concerned about keeping things going. He's a perfectionist to a fault. He stays up late nights working and worrying. He's the peace keeper in his family. He wants everything to be okay all of the time. I would love to have met him at 15. He was a book worm, I was more about friends and having fun. I think I could have added a little something to his life back then. Maybe helped him take things a bit less seriously. And, maybe he could have made me understood the importance of focusing a bit more on school work. I think our friendship could really have helped both of us. He's carried the weight of the world from a young age. His childhood is a blur to him...and before the age of 12, it just doesn't exist in his memory. I want to see what happened before then.

It all worked out in the end, but I constantly think of going back in time. I'd like to see my parents as young children. I'd love to understand where certain parts of their personalities come from. I'd love to go back in my own life...to see how I was at 5. It's very Emily Webbish (Our Town) to have this desire, but I think about it a lot. I feel like Mad Men is a cool way to learn about how life was in the 1960s. Although it's scripted, just seeing the fashions and the reactions to historic events is interesting.

I want to go back and talk to my mom when she was 18. I want to know what her thoughts were about her life. What did she want back then?

Don't you think that would be fascinating?

When blue...decorate!

So yesterday I was still a bit blue about my family leaving, but today I've perked up and decided the best way to fight the blues is to decorate the house! It's cold and rainy (and will be for days) outside and there's no better time to make the inside of the house warm and festive.

Oh, here's the pics of our new wallpaper. I love it. The bathroom is harder to see, but it's green vines...it used to be peach paint. yuck.

We're spending Christmas in Florida so maybe the decorations will be tamed down this year. Last year I was pregnant and went a little crazy with them. The house was lit up in every room. Z will be walking and grabbing everything in sight, so I think all the decs will be put out of her reach. No big tree for her to pull down. I've never had a destination Christmas. It'll be less stress I think. We're trying to decide about Epcot, The Magic Kingdom and/or Universal Studios. The tickets are $82/piece! I think we'll have to pick one. Z is too young to understand or remember anything so I think she'll be chilling with gma and gpa. I don't want to scare her with life sized stuffed animals that walk around. That could be frightening.

It's the time of year to take stock in what you have. To think about all the things that make your life great. I spend a lot of time looking back and wishing I'd done some things differently--but, we're here now and we're happy and I wouldn't change a thing about the outcome. Life lessons are so hard. To think I have to watch Z go through tough times ahead as she figures it all out makes me tired. I'm so much of a control freak at this point in my life...I'll need to remember I can't make her life choices. (Although sometimes I wish I'd had someone to make mine for me.)

The soreness in my ankles has gone away. Could it be that I was depressed and didn't know it? The pills seem to have worked. How odd.

a silent night

We celebrated little Zoë's 1st birthday a bit early. Some fam was in town for Thanksgiving...so, what the heck. She got her angel food cupcake with my grandma's frosting recipe EARLY! She did a great job!

Thanksgiving was fantastic...but man, I was exhausted. I went to bed at 7:30 last night. I slept 13 hours. It was amazing.

I've been away from this for a while. My mom and sister were in and I didn't spend time in front of the computer. Now, life will get back to normal and I'll be writing my questions and observations again. It's hard to come down from having family in. (depending on the family members...) It was great to be around my mom and sister--we were able to laugh a lot- something we all needed. We know each others boundaries and kept well within the "what not to talk about" lines. We focused more on enjoying the time...and eating. I'm not sure I've ever been to the grocery store more in a week.

Tonight, the air is frosty, Z is sleeping blissfully, I'm well rested after 2 naps today and my house is quiet. The silence is welcomed yet, makes me miss the chaotic surroundings. I think we're going to start trying for baby #2. It's time to have another baby around here.

Japanese Maple--feeling a little naked

What is this feeling...am I....happy??

Ok, I'm just going to say that lately I've felt...lighter. My heavy mood seems to have lifted. Now, this could be because the holiday season is here and I'm always happier during the holidays. We have family coming and things to look forward to. It could just be adrenaline. I'm not going to rule out the help of the new meds...but I'm not going to base it all on them either. I know I'll come off of them in the near future since I can't be pregnant on them. Sometimes medication can help in the short run. My LONG run of them has made me very wary of their presence in my life. These don't curb my appetite or libido. No weight will be lost on these. (Damn.) However, I am working out and watching my snacks. We'll be in Florida for Christmas, so I have to break out the warmer gear for a week or two. Toned arms are nice to have when that happens.

Our bedroom is almost finished! We went with light gray paint to offset the dark wallpaper. I will take a pic when it's finished. I love it. Now we're addicted and want to do all of our projects NOW. We're holding off though...it's nice to do things in stages. It gives you something to look forward to.

Oh, by the way, the December issue of Oprah's mag (it's a blue cover, I think it's December) has some really great gift ideas!!! Just a heads up.

I'm hoping the gifts will be less this year. I'd like to focus on time spent instead. My memories of the holidays are based around my feelings of togetherness...not of what I got under the tree. Z will be a cute age. She'll like wrapping paper. She has enough toys for now. I think we'll focus on the sights and sounds of Christmas. Oh, and the smells!! The holiday meals...that's the real reason I'm losing weight. I want to gain it back without feeling horrible about myself later.

Sad news--the Japanese Maple lost her leaves yesterday in our big wind storm. She has a few leaves right by the window...almost to say goodbye. I just took pictures of them and will post them later today.

Well, folks, enjoy the day. I plan on reading in my magazines and snipping out gift ideas and recipes. Simple things. The happy me is pretty boring and nauseating. But, I feel better with the thoughts in my head these days. I'm also better to be married to.

Today we're having our room wallpapered and painted. The bathroom as well, but I'm looking more forward to the bedroom having some type of finish to it finally. We still don't have a nice bedroom set, but all in due time. Little by little....

I'm not sure if it's the medication or the anticipation of my family coming, but my mood has lifted. I've felt MUCH better than I have in months. My right hand is still stiff and hot, but my emotional health is enough to keep me balanced. Wendy and Mom are coming in on Sunday and I can't wait. I love visitors. They haven't seen Z in a few months so it will be fun for them to see how much she's grown. I'm hosting Thanksgiving this year, so J's family is also coming to down. We'll have 14 people here for 2 days. I'm thrilled. It's sort of a dream come true really. My favorite memories of childhood are when all of my family got together. It didn't happen after 1982, but I still remember the feeling. It'll be the first holiday my mom will have without her brother. I'm hoping the crowd will keep her mind off of it a bit. She is still suffering a lot. I'm sure it never goes away.

The day is cloudy and dark. My Japanese Maple looks dark red against it...but so calming in a way. It's been rainy and cold. Yet, I've been very well. I started back to the gym. I've gone almost every day and I feel so good about it. Z goes to Miss Marie's --the daycare--and does such a great job! She's so happy and independent. She doesn't seem to miss me at all when I'm gone. I'm actually happy for that. Missing people has controlled my life for a long time. I really don't like it. I was practically immobile in my early 20s because of the thought of leaving people. Of course, to remedy the situation and cure myself...I moved away from everyone to create my own space. I do feel good here. I've always felt that if I lived close to my friends and family, I would fall back into my codependent tendencies. I start to rely too much on them and become needy. Here, I can feel independent and they can come visit. It's more healthy for me.

Ok, now back to watching more about the Royal engagement. I'm oddly entranced by the whole story of Will and Kate. It's a fairy tale for some Americans. We don't have royalty here. I've always loved to learn about their life. Kings and Queens...it's all in stories I heard as a child. From a far...we create anything out of their experiences. It's almost like they aren't real to us.

Branching out.

Well, I've had 4 people tell me lately that I need to find a Mommy group. I've looked. I can't find anything near me. I registered at two sites and it seems to me that those are the wrong way to go. The groups in my area have 4 people in them...and haven't been active in the past year. Hmmm. I'm going to have to be more creative. Maybe they are hiding. An online group won't help me. How could it be that in an area of 1 mil people that there wouldn't be one I could find?? Am I not looking in the right place? I'll continue to go to Barnes and Noble and see if anyone wants to hang out with me. I feel like a new kid in school. "PLEASE be my friend!!" I seem desperate. It's embarrassing.

The week went quickly. I enjoyed the solitude in the evenings. I know Jason missed us, but he seemed to have a good time. He got an autographed picture of the Laker Girls. I don't have anything nearly as interesting to show from my week. Z is getting better on her feet, he'll see that. I've been reading my Nora Ephron book...and would have it finished by now if I wouldn't get tired each time. I haven't blogged because my mind has been somewhat blank this week. And I've been napping pretty much every time Z naps. That's been nice.

I know I need to be more social. Up to this point I really haven't been lonely--not that I am now. But, it would be fun to have some friends that didn't have to fly to see me. I feel like putting an ad in the paper. "Desperately Seeking Someone...Anyone!!"

I'm so deep in thought so early in the week!!

Today, as I look out the deck window, I see that most of our trees are naked. There are berries on one of them still and the Japanese Maple still has her rust leaves. It's a different kind of beautiful. Browns and rust colors fill Rochester. I guess this could be a depressing scene...but it is calming.

My friend Dustin came in on Friday afternoon. We spent the weekend watching horror movies, visiting Cornell's campus in Ithaca and playing with Zoë. She took about 36 hours to warm up to him but was in love with him by the last day. He went with me to take her to Barnes and Noble's story time. I let her down and watched her crawl/walk around and greet the other children. HUGE smiles and finally sat across from me with another baby. She's not afraid. She's so social and happy. I felt a little sad. She's independent. It's a good thing. It's exactly how I'd want her to act.

Having D here was good for the soul. We've been friends for 10 years or so. It's nice to be around someone that knows you. We've both struggled with similar things in our lives. And now, he's happy, settled into a stable relationship and loves his job. Maybe those who struggle the most in their 20s and make it out alive are seasoned veterans of life and go on with a great sense of self. We know where are weaknesses are and having such low times in the past makes for a great point of reference for appreciating fully what we have now.

Jason is gone until Friday night. He's in LA at a sales conference. I know it was hard for him to leave Z. He has a hotel room overlooking downtown LA. He's eating well and being entertained. I'm eating cereal for dinner and trying to keep my house plants alive. However, I do feel we're both relaxing in our own way. The time away from each other is good I feel. Sometimes being a couple causes you to forget the joys of solitude. I'm reveling in it. After Z goes to bed, the house is quiet. The computers are off and I'm just left with myself. I'm happy to report that I still like myself and that even though I feel the outside world could classify my existence as dull, I feel happy and at home.

After Z wakes, I'm headed to Target for baby supplies and hopefully they have Nora Ephron's new book! I love her take on life. She wrote a book about aging that I'm really excited to read. I've been reading journal entries in May Sarton's memoir "At Seventy" and trying to learn some lessons of life of the women who have more of a perspective. I wish there was a kind of mentoring program for people my age. You can join Big Brothers/Big Sisters...but I want one where I get to spend time with a woman in her 60s and hear how life has taught her. Yes, I could talk to my own mother. Maybe a group of women. I'm not a leader, never have been. I follow. I look to others to guide my way. I'm hoping my book club will have some new teachers for me.

I'm rambling...more when it happens.

I'm in denial I guess...

I just got back from my doc appointment for my joint pain. He said I was negative for lupus. He asked me a ton of questions about my life pre=pregnancy and then post. He said that he was going to put me on an anti-depressant. Huh?? Well, he feels that I'm in denial about having depression and/or anxiety. Really? It's possible. "It fits all of your symptoms." Ok. He was very kind to me. He told me I need to get out of the house and get to the gym. Also, I need to do some un-mommy things. The book club seems to be a positive thing. He told me that if I wasn't dealing with my depression, it can manifest physically. "Do you talk about how you're feeling?" Yes...and no. I blog. I haven't talked to my therapist in a long time. I also am very anti-down. I can't stand to feel blah or upset. Yet, in my blog, it seems apparent. Shit. I had such a time with depression before...I don't want to go back there. I'm tired after the appointment. I just want to go to bed. More denial traits! Jason leaves this pm for an overnight work trip. Maybe the time alone will be helpful. It's hard to think about everything the doc said with Jason worried over my shoulder. When I even mentioned the findings, J said, "you need another doctor. We've already been through this." hmmm. I think Jason is a bit afraid of going through it again, too. I don't feel the same as I was. I don't think I'll wilt and become overwhelmed in darkness. The doc asked if I was overwhelmed. "No...if anything, I'm underwhelmed. I'm bored. I feel boring. I feel like running away." Course, that sounds like I'm a psycho. But really, what mom doesn't feel like running away from it all sometimes? I think I'm normal. I think I'm a mom...I'm tired, frustrated, needing adult conversation and creative stimulation. That's normal, right?!!

Dustin comes on Friday morning until Monday night. Hooray!!! I can focus my energies on girl time. It will be great to hang out and talk and talk and talk. (This is what we do normally...talk from the time say hi until we say goodbye.) It's good for the soul.

I'll take the meds and reevaluate in week or two. The doc wants to see me in 6 weeks.

Demons

it's late at night when the demons seem to crawl into my head. last night i laid there thinking and thinking about crazy things. horrible things. things that made me wonder if needed medication. the overall thought was being horribly bored with myself. wanting a radical change. i'm so afraid of being blah and my life meaning nothing to me. i worry about the risks not taken and the places not seen...the people not met. i keep trying to see myself in the future. what does that look like? what changes can i do from here? last night i came up with the idea to finally take guitar lessons. not sure if that will happen but it was a good idea. i did rsvp to a book club here in town. we're reading Faulkner to start. damn. I really am not a huge fan of his...but that was years ago when i formed that opinion. i'll try again. (Light in August)

I'm about to go vote Democrat for NY Gov. I CAN'T STAND Carl Paladino. Ugh. I really despise him. If he became Gov I would think about moving.