Staying with fear

So my nerves are getting the best of me. I expressed my labor fears yesterday. But the main fear I have is something I've struggled with for years. If I had to pinpoint when it started it was in 7th grade. My sister's best friend, Robin, was killed in an awful car accident. Because Robin had been someone that had become part of my little family--the guidance counselor took me to the office and told me. I fainted. My friend Erica was also in the office with me. Robin was also close with her family. It was a drunk driving accident. She was 18. She was not drunk, but got into a car with people that were. My mother, wanting to making a teachable moment, took me to see the car. She wanted to show me what can happen if you are drinking and driving. The car didn't look like a car. It had a HUGE impact on me. Unfortunately, a lot about the accident was shared with me. I won't tell you the details, but they were gruesome and awful.

The first "incident" came later in the year. My sister was in college and I knew she was on her way home. The KPL (gas man) came to our house...for some reason having his lights flashing. I saw the truck in the drive way and was certain that my sister was gone. I ran, screaming up to my mom's room and all I could say was, "Wendy...Wendy...." I was crying. My mom looked out the window and told me who it was. I was a wreck.

For years afterward, St. John had teenage death after teenage death--mostly car related. I knew these kids. I went to school with them. It just seemed like one shock after another. Erica's brother was in an accident in college--pretty awful, but he survived. When I went to the hospital, his father explained what it took to put him back together. I fainted. (I do that...I just shut down.)

Whenever Jason is out...I go through scenarios...you can imagine. Last year when Bill and Lynn died in a car accident--it just punctuated my fears. The policeman came to my door. I knew it was Jason. He'd just left hours before. When they told me it was Bill...it didn't register. I had just talked to them both that afternoon. They took me to see Melissa, his wife...who was in tears on the couch. She looked up at me with a confused look and said, "What is going on?" (She continued to repeat that throughout the night.) Yes, I'd had friends die...but I'd never gone through sitting with the family before. I sat with them for days. Watching each person come in...one after another, looking like squeezed out sponges. I'd only known Bill, Melissa and Lynn. They'd all just been at my house the weekend before. I was in shock. Then, seeing all that were affected was another shock. I didn't know what my place was...but I just kept coming and sitting in the living room each night. Out of the grief of this family, came such kindness. All who talked to me made me feel that it was perfectly natural that I was there. (Jason and I were the most recent friends.) But it was the initial night that I always go back to. It's the doorbell. It rang twice. The cop flooding my foyer with his flashlight. My hands shaking so badly, I could barely open the door. I am still awakened by a "doorbell." It isn't real...but I hear it. The guy that hit them was under the influence of drugs. (Again, the lesson is punctuated.) Melissa's house is visible from my kitchen. Each day I think of her, the remaining sister and their mom. I thought about it when I was looking at all of J's things in the bathroom today. "I wonder when she took out his things...has she taken them out??" The things that family has had to endure is too much for me to comprehend. (The accident happened Oct. 6th of last year...we are coming up on a year and the driver still has not been charged with a damn thing.)

I am plagued with worry and fears every time Jason is out of this house. Whenever my family is driving anywhere. It's almost as if I sit and wait for something awful to happen. It's no way to live. I contacted my therapist this week. Jason says I need to talk it through.

You've been my therapist today--I need to figure this out.

Scared.

I haven't blogged because I've either been sleeping or am so tired that nothing comes to mind. Last night I finally voiced to Jason that I'm definitely more nervous for this labor than I was for the first. Now I know what is coming. I know that it will hurt...that I will be throwing up...that I will have moments where I'm not sure I can do it...that I will be exhausted. The end result is great. However, I am scared. I have irrational fears dealing with my anxiety...that I will somehow cause an issue because I am so nervous. I would LOVE to have a sedative...but I don't think they allow that. Is this normal? I am ready for her to be born. I'm ready for both of us to be done with it and both of us healthy. I'm ready to meet her and for things to start. I just hope my nervousness doesn't mess the whole thing up. I seemed so strong last time. Maybe ignorance was bliss.

If you don't like it, just don't say anything.

The chill has set in. It is comforting. Hot chocolate evenings are nice. And...the fireplace will come into use again.

We have our name...we are happy with it and few others. Some love it, most don't say anything--meaning they don't. Oh well. She is named after an author. I like that. Her middle name is not from the family either, but comes from something Jason and I love--a season, actually. No one reads this, really...it's Harper Autumn. Shhh...don't say anything. :) Harper is after Harper Lee. (To Kill A Mockingbird) I realize that some have no idea who that is--well, I didn't know that until recently. Coming from a very literary family, I took for granted that everyone would automatically know who she was. Autumn is from the season. It's J and my favorite time of year. We live in an area where it is very celebrated. Our yard is full of trees...it's a season of change and holidays. We love it.  Z loves Harper's name and uses it all of the time in referring to her sister. I suppose there is a 1% chance that the name could change before she's here...I hope not.

Our guests start arriving in a few weeks. I'm thrilled, actually. I think a lot of people get stressed out by visitors. Not me. I love that people feel at home here and like to visit. I love having people around. Honestly, that was one of the reasons why I wanted to have another baby. This house just needs more people, ideas, conversation, love--I look forward to lots of conversations with my daughters. Z needs someone she can talk to who aren't her parents and who knows where she is coming from. She needs a confident. She needs a giggle partner and someone to keep her secrets. I realize that some sisters are not good at this--I am living in my dream world of perfection for as long as I can.

all over

The week is slow. The days are slow. My belly is big. The weather is getting much cooler. The election race is getting dirtier--and that is getting old. It's going to be a close one. I see both sides, I do. I can see why people would vote for Romney...and Obama. (I still want Obama) But I understand the opposing viewpoint much more at this age than I would have before. I'd like to think I'm trying to be more open minded and considerate of peoples' feelings. There are a few issues in which I am not budging, but there are others in which I've really changed my views. (Is that vague enough?)

On a lighter note, I watched The Voice for the first time last night. I enjoyed it. I am boycotting American Idol and will not watch it. I'll be tuning into The Voice and The X Factor. I have no use for Mariah Carey or Nicki Minaj (I had to look up how to spell her name). I'm a singing show person...not so much on dancing for some reason. I've always wanted the ability to really belt it out--but I don't have it. That's probably the one talent I wish I had--to really be able to sing. I think the voice is so powerful. I've always been in awe of my friends that can sing. And I dig a guy that can--Jason sings around the house to joke around, but I can tell if he really tried, he'd sound pretty good. (Deep down he really wants to be a singer, too.)

I just have random thoughts and facts today. My internal dialogue is a little scattered. I go from lying in bed doubting my mothering capabilities ("I can't do this, I'm not good at this...I'm going to screw this up") to feeling guilty for not liking pregnancy, to being frightened of losing loved ones, to being in awe of how good my life is... (I know, bipolar, right?) I'm chalking it up to hormones and leaving the bipolar thing in the past.

snap out of it. i know...

I'm not having my best day, I'm afraid. My lack of sleep last night made for a difficult day. I'm down. I'm annoying myself. I'm frustrated with being tired and cranky. I'm mad that I can't pull myself out of it. I'm very aware of how good life is...and yet today, I can't pull myself out of this funk.

We all have days like this, but I hate them. I spent too long feeling like this in a past life and I have no patience with it now.

Damn.

Please let tomorrow be better.

dark and stormy

We just had a quick storm. It was dark for a time. It thundered. I lit candles. It poured...and now it's passing. I wish it would've lasted all day. I'm in a stormy kind of mood. Not that I'm not in a good mood...but a mellow day would be nice. Also, it's not cool enough. It's 70. I want 50s. I want to be able to open the windows in the house and air it out.

I want a warm bath with bubbles. I want a feeling of peace and complete relaxation. I want all of my chores to be done. I want everyone to be calm and quiet. I want to have a window above the tub that looks over a huge body of water.

I want there to be feeling of complete understanding with those in my life. A feeling of contentment.

I want all of my loved ones to be alive. I want all of my friends to be alive.

Maybe this will be waiting for me after I'm gone. I hope that they've all found peace. The ones left here are still struggling. Damn it.

I really want a massage.

a little random, sorry.

It is gorgeous out today. I've been in a sleep state for most of the morning due to Z being an extremely early riser this morning. Ugh. J is on the road today...he is also very tired. Tired parents--not very original.

I've been watching some of the broadcasts from New Orleans. Silly reporters standing in a WIDE stance trying to stay up and yelling into the mike as they get pelted with water. Funny. Uhhh...go inside. It reminds me of when the wind takes all of the nannies away in Mary Poppins...but most things remind me of MP.

hehehe.

Today I'm in the mood to go sit outside somewhere and listen to some type of inspirational speaker. Something enlightening about how to go about life. Someone like the Dali Lama or something. I want to admire the trees in the sun and have someone tell me how grand life is. I guess I could find something online and just sit on my deck. I have weird cravings.

Maybe I'll just pack Z in the car and go to DQ. again.

This morning, I put nutmeg in my coffee. The smell of it made me ready for the holidays. I love that.

Going to go bask a little while longer.

secret revealed. shhh.

Last night I watched one of Oprah's Next Chapter's...on Kelsey Grammer. I wasn't sure about watching it because I didn't really like him. I never watched Frasier and his tabloid life wasn't that appealing. Well, it was a good lesson in judgement. Learning about his life was really an eye opener. His life struggles were shocking to me. He's dealt with a tremendous amount of tragic loss. He was well spoken. His new wife was as well. She was down to earth and very sweet. It was one of the best of those shows I'd seen. I didn't know anything about his personal life or how he grew up. I didn't know all the loss he'd had. I had never heard him speak about his addictions or hear his side of how his last divorce happened. It reminded me that I jump to conclusions about people too easily. (Are you laughing at me that I learned this from Oprah??) Well, I figure...wherever you learn it, as long as you do.

I took a 2.5 hour nap today after dropping Z off at school. It was glorious. Guess I was tired. The day was beautiful. Jason took a bike ride at noon and I got some chores done. We had a new turn in the name last night. The middle name has now changed to something completely different, but I think we've FINALLY decided on her first name. I'm almost sure that our parents/grandparents won't like it, but the younger generations should be okay with it. (no one reads this anyway...so, we're liking Harper for the first name.) There are MANY reasons for choosing this name. Harper Lee is her namesake. I believe the message she put out in a very turbulent time. We are still in similar times...and she represents how Jason and I think about human rights for EVERYONE.

I'll have to let you know the reaction we get when we finally tell people. Once she is here...it won't matter.

shhh until then.

I just made some cookies for comfort sake. Maybe it will work.

It's a cloudy Monday. The weekend was too short. We are slowly plugging away at our to do list. We are getting more comfortable with our name choice--but Jason isn't at 100% yet. Z has a little cold. She can't figure out how to blow her nose...or breath through her mouth. It's a little annoying. "Open your mouth and breath that way..." She just continues to snort.

I'm ready for cooler weather. I'm ready for the trees to turn and to go to pumpkin patches. I'm ready to meet this little girl. The change of season will be hopeful. At times, the endless warm, sunny days are no longer comforting, but tiring. I am never satisfied. (I could never live in California or Florida.) I crave constant change. "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds."--Emerson.  This does not directly apply, but it popped into my head. Have you ever read Emerson's Self Reliance? I was introduced to it in HS and it had a great effect on me. Pick it up sometime.

I'm somewhat lonely. I'm content in my surroundings, but miss deep, long talks. I miss laughing with friends. I miss that companionship. I miss a quick run to eat or a movie. I miss my friends. Everyone is busy and have very full lives. I'm thankful for the promise of them just being out there--but I long for the connection. I don't feel this makes me less fulfilled in my marriage. Jason is a dear friend of mine. However, we are consumed by our daily lives...and we have a countdown to a major event that causes us to focus on tasks instead of being carefree. I want a weekend away from my baby bump...and my little family...and I want to sit, relaxing and laughing with a good friend. (This is probably because I know the next few months I will be tied home--happy, yes--but still away from my friends.)

(Little Vidmar, don't misunderstand when you read this. I can't wait to be with you--but the friendships you will make in your life will rejuvenate you. They will refill your soul. They will remind you of yourself. They will give you a nice little happy injection to project you forward into more of this, sometimes difficult, life.)

If you are near your friends--call one up and go have a quick bite, drink or laugh.

art therapy.

I made it through yesterday-but it wasn't pretty. Jason came home early to relieve me, whew! I napped and then got up to hear Z still not down. By that point, I was able to cope so I took over. She was down in 15 mins. :)

Last night I watched a documentary, The Gates, about an art project that was in NY's Central Park for 2 weeks in Feb. 2005. When I was there last, I saw some pictures of them in the Met and I picked up 4 water colors outside that had them in one of them. I didn't get the back story until last night. Really fascinating. It took about 27 years for the artists to fulfill their vision in the park. A lot of nay sayers until Mayor Bloomberg said okay. Aren't they beautiful?

They covered 23 miles of the park. Just cool. My friend Jeremy had just moved there when they were on display. He sent me some of his pics as well. They weren't well received by everyone. Some older folks were interviewed and they found them awful. "The park was beautiful before...why would you add all of this?!" The Gates were made of steel. In fact, there were 7, 503 gates--which collectively had 3/4 of the amount of steel in the Eiffel Tower. (You may find this not so interesting...but it was really interesting to J and me, even if we never saw it.)

Anyway...so I watched that and started a new book. I read pages in about 3 before I settled on another mystery. I'm still searching a bit.

Yesterday, I was overwhelmed by all that needs to be done before baby girl gets here. Today I'm calmer. I'm still tired, but am definitely more logical. I'm a bit irrational when I'm tired. It will all get done. It will all get done. (my mantra)

The months are filling up with people wanting to visit. It will be nice to have so many people coming to see us. Some have never been here before. I have a trip to Kansas planned in the May-Aug time frame, depending on what we decide--but it is nice to have people come here, too.

I'm going to try to get a few more chores done before I pick up the girl. I hear a very loud crying dog outside. Hmmm...may have to go check it out.

get me through it.

Just get me to the end of this day. I forgot to take my Unisom last night and was up from 3-5am. I watched some stuff off of the DVR. The Kathy show with Jane Fonda and Sharon Osborne is hilarious. (taped it weeks ago) Jane looks so confused. She is confused by Kathy's sense of humor and shocked by what she says I think. I laughed out loud. I also watched Survivor Man--10 days in Mexico. He's on an island that my father frequents actually. I learned how to distill water if I need to...but I wouldn't survive on clams, oysters and squid. nope. I wandered around the house... I found J in sleeping with Z. I shut her window and kept roaming. Today I am wiped. Z isn't fond of naps anymore...so I'm just eating to stay away. Strawberries, black olives, salsa, oatmeal...random food items--we need to get to the store I guess. We had some pool time, but not much. Bees scared us away. Damn bees. I was happy out there. I killed a bee and Z is still saying, "Good job Valerie for getting that bee!" Sometimes I'm "Valerie." Whatever.

It's only 2:20--will I make it?

Again, I am in total awe of mom with more than one child. Moms that have so much energy. Moms who are always in a good mood, always baking, always creating, always going to the park. I am just in awe.

I want an iron injection. Why can't I get one?

I'll get there.

Well, I had another doc appt today. Still low on iron--I could've guessed. My mono-like symptoms are still prevalent. ugh. Baby is good. VERY active little one. We are still going back and forth on her name. We've narrowed it down to 3 I think. Jason is VERY scientific about it. He has a chart (of course he does) where he is noting the popularity, tease factor, meaning and origin. I go by my gut and heart.

So, I slept for about 2 hours today--than I did a mad dash to clean up the house and fold the laundry that's been sitting on the guest bed for about a week. I felt somewhat accomplished. (like it matters at all.)

I finished Gone Girl. Don't read this paragraph if you are going to read it.) I was glued to it until the very last page and then turned it to see "Acknowledgements." uhh...what??? That's it? THAT'S how it ends?! Yeah, pretty poor ending. It just stops. It was almost like she ran out of ideas...or didn't know what to do. So, that sucks.

I'm now trying to find a new book and keep on my reading course. I get out of it so quickly--I need to jump back in before I lose my gusto. I am enjoying the mystery/thriller thing. The page turners are working with my short attention span. I have a list of books that were recommended to me when I want to return to some type of "smart" book type. I was on a non-fiction kick for about a year. I love them. I've been filling that need with documentary films. I pretend I'm in a film class. I also need to dive into my writing creative non-fiction course. I'm just trying to keep cerebral. At times, I feel I'm slipping away into nothingness. I miss making my own money. I miss having a desk. I miss dressing up and talking to other people during the day. I love being with Z every day...I do. I'll love when the baby comes. But, I'm not fooling anyone by thinking I'm the BEST mom at home. I'm tired and irritable...and somewhat boring at times. I just pray she doesn't notice. Just get me to an age where she enjoys movies...I'll be great at introducing different genres to her. I'll be great at going to art galleries and discussing poetry and novels. I'll be great with board games and cards. I'll be great at girl weekends and talking about boys. But, I'm not so hot on play-doh, dolls and sandboxes.

Whining and Wanderings

In the movies where someone is about to drown--or go under water...they alway tilt their head back and take a deep breath and then go under. Today, I feel my head is tilted. There isn't any particular reason. I feel like I can't escape the fatigue. I am worn out. Most people are--but I feel as if I can't do anything productive for any length of time. This damn anemia is kicking my ass. I'm taking the iron. I'm eating the foods as best I can. I'm actually too tired to get to the damn grocery store. I still have to go today before I pick up Z. I'm going to have to nap first. (And I've already had one today.)

I'm whiny and irritated. I'm being a baby. I apologize. I'm not used to feeling this way. I''m putting it down for posterity.


Damn it.


On a much lighter note. J and I watched Wanderlust last night and laughed our asses off. It's not for everyone, but it sure worked for us. Some scenes were so out there that laughing broke the tension. I hadn't laughed that hard in a while. It was a good feeling.

off to nap.

Women friends needed.

I was going through my DVR last night and finally watched Oprah's Next Chapter with Gloria Steinam. I really enjoyed it and learned a lot. So much woman power. The most fascinating to me was seeing where she lives. I LOVE seeing how people decorate their homes. It says so much about them. My house is still not me. It's hard to decorate with two people in mind. If it were just me...I'm afraid J wouldn't like my style choice. I'm more into Bohemian Chic. (like I really know what that means) It seems close.

I spent some time on the deck today reading and sunning. Z played with chalk under the umbrella and tried iced tea for the first time. "I don't like it Mommy--maybe when I'm older." ??? cracked me up. I'm frustrated with my book because I want to talk to someone about it! (Gone Girl) I don't understand why he won't answer his cell phone. The narrator isn't trustworthy. It's aggravating--and won't let me put it down at the same time. I don't want to google too much because I worry about spoilers.

The day is gorgeous. My Japanese Maple is rich with color...oranges, reds, greens. I can't wait for fall. Fall brings baby, Halloween, Thanksgiving and cooler weather. We have a name...I think. I don't think it will be very popular with the family--but I LOVE it. We are still going around on the middle name. I'm hoping the first name sticks. I'm just ready to have her named!

I need a book club here. I want it full of friends. I want to hand pick them from all over. My perfect club would be impossible--people are too spread out. Maybe an online one???

it doesn't matter

Today is a day of thought. It's probably because I'm tired. I always dive way too deep into things when I'm tired. The negativity of the world affects me more. I feel a weight I want to shed. I want to disconnect because I'm confused and feel poisoned. (could be a little depressed today, eh?) I hate election time. It brings out the worst in people. Facebook during election time--yuck. I don't want to know half the stuff I learn about people sometimes. I'm sad that people aren't more open and loving. I'm saddened that some things come off as such a threat. I'm a true hypocrite--judging those who judge.

I wish I could focus on being a better me and not worrying about others being better themselves. I can't control that. I can control my frustration level, my outspokeness (when no one really cares what I think anyway), my nosiness (because most things really aren't any of my damn business) and the way I go about my day. I could smile more. I could be sweet more. I could be softer. I feel as if I wear a hard shell to get through life. Is it really worth it? Let people be who they are. Let life be as it is. Work on becoming the kind of woman you want your children to see--and to learn from. So much doesn't matter in the spectrum of life. I am a control freak. It is wearing me out today. I'm sure I'll be back at it tomorrow. But today, I'm giving it up.

Happiness and reading.

It's Monday. The weekend was nice. We went to the beach. I loved it. I'd never been to that particular one (Durand-Eastman). It was tree lined and you could imagine yourself finding it and it being all yours...aside from the other people and the life guards. The others around here are very city. Not my thing. I sat in my chair and watched J and Z play in sand and waves. I felt happy. That was the second time I took a mental note of happiness this weekend. The first was the day before. The temp was perfect. The sun was out. I was out on my deck reclining with Gone Girl--the book I'm reading. The trees waved slightly and I was relaxed. We had date night out that night--a long dinner outside. All the food was so good. We laughed. We talked. We caught up. It was great. (We also had a babysitter.) The weekend was good for the soul.


Today is more cleaning. I feel that is all I do sometimes. But, I think that is what most people do when they little ones. My energy is low. I've already taken a nap this morning for an hour while Z amused herself with Nick Jr. I am short of breath. I have 70 days to go. I'm doing my best with the iron...but I feel like I'm failing still. Jason is frustrated as well. I huff and puff and he freaks out thinking I'm WAY over tired than I should be. Maybe. It will all be ok.

Z is having a snack. Cheese and crackers. She started her morning by eating her weight in chocolate cookies. Her bedroom is near the kitchen...and she woke up and helped herself. Jason cleaned up the mess--thank goodness. It was not the way to start the day. She was proud of herself though. But, then, who wouldn't want that for breakfast?

My life currently is ruled by when I can get back to my book. It holds my attention which is hard to do. I'm confused and wondering what is up. It's a mystery. Things are starting to seem odd...we'll see how it turns out.

Pick it up for yourself and dive in...

So cool....

I loved this.

http://www.thewildernessdowntown.com/

Hope it works for you!!

Hope Springs

Today, Z had Doodle Bugs. I had a doctor's appt that didn't go as well as I'd hoped. My mild case of anemia turned into an extreme case so I'm now having to change my diet. I also got put on a prescription ant-acid. The baby is fine though...so that's really what's important. When I got home, all I wanted was to take a nap--but found myself in a movie theatre at noon watching Hope Springs. Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones star in this little film about a couple who go to therapy after 31 years of marriage--and what comes out of it. She is unhappy. He is unaware. He is totally dependent on her--and yet she is invisible to him. They haven't slept in the same bed for many years and haven't touched or had sex for probably 4-5 years. They did a great job of acting very uncomfortable through the whole process. It was believable. I enjoyed it. I didn't feel it was geared toward an older audience--but really, any married couple. We can lose sight of things. We can lose ourselves and each other. It reconfirmed the importance of touching. Just a touch can send all the right signals--I love you, I miss you, I want you, I'm here for you. I forget to do this sometimes. I'm all wrapped up in errands and chores. I should be more touchy feely. I can' focus on what Jason does and doesn't do, only on what I do and don't do. (I can be a blamer at times...)

With that, I hear J and Z on the couch. Think I'll go in and cuddle with them.

Woody, Jane and me.

I'm taking a break from the sun. Z is watching some Nick Jr. We went to a new park this morning. I loved it. I love finding new places to go play. I get bored with the same ones. Problem was that it was a little too warm, so she didn't want to play very long. We took a scenic way home and got some ice cream and now she is chillin' indoors. I thought I'd get some sun, so I'm relaxing on the deck. I finished Woody Allen: A Documentary this morning. I was more about part 2--since those are the movies I'm more familiar with--but part 1 was more highly regarded. To my surprise they did cover his adopted daughter/wife scandal. It wasn't a major component, but it wasn't ignored. Yes, it's a bit creepy--but again, I focused on his work. His movies always make me thing I can write movies. I love his dialogue. I love the way he contemplates human relationships. I love how natural the thoughts flow--into non-natural situations. His perceptions are interesting to me. He digs into religion and love and how fucked up people are. I have visions of me writing something worthwhile at my kitchen table. I'm not sure when this will happen. I don't think it will be published...but I just want to finish something in my life. I want to have something left after I'm gone for my girls to read.

I haven't picked up a book in a while. I did listen to a good chunk of Jane Fonda's Prime Time in the car two weekends ago. I really loved it. I recommend it. I need to finish it so I can move on. My vacation from the gym has put a big dent into my "reading." Maybe I should go back...big belly and all.   It would be a nice little break, I could exercise, Z could play and I could feel like I'm feeding my brain again. I've been struggling greatly with low iron this pregnancy. The docs have yelled at me and I've upped my intake three times. I can barely get up the stairs some days without having to stop and rest. It's amazing what anemia can do to a person! I figured, if I can't even get up my stairs, how am I going to work out?

37 and pregnant isn't my cup of tea. I wasn't mature in my 20s, so this is the lot I have to deal with. I'm at 29 weeks--only 11 to go! I'm ready for the baby. (I even have a name--but am still working on Jason to approve.) I'm ready for the new challenge of motherhood. I'm ready to get some energy back--and my body back! I'm excited to see Z as a sister. She needs to understand that it's no longer the Zo' show. (We're getting a little cheeky)

Okay, maybe a few more moments in the sun...

everything you want to know about nothing...

Today is beautiful. I just sat outside getting some sun for about 45 minutes. Couldn't take much more--hot. It was enough to give me some Vit D and help my legs not look so preggo. I ran errands this morning after dropping Z at Doodle Bugs. She slept in her new "big girl" bed last night for the first time. After being up and down in the bunks, she finally settled in the bottom. Jason slept with her. I was already asleep in our bed. I have a couple more errands to do this afternoon. I just want to sit and watch part 2 of the Woody Allen documentary I started yesterday. I learned so much about his early years. He's worked with writing since he was a teenager. Wow. He's been paid for his work since 19. Impressive. I know he has his flaws, but I've always focused on his work and have been collecting his movies--starting with Annie Hall. I'm not much of a fan of his earlier work. It was inspiring...made me want to start this little writing class and start working on my craft again. I'm a late bloomer...but I have faith that I will eventually bloom. I feel it inside--but I haven't been able to fully nurture it for one reason or another. I'm still excited by the woman I can still become. I realize that now I'm more focused on raising my little women. That's ok. I just want to be someone they look up to and learn from. I want to be inspiring and encouraging.

The house is so quiet. I was thankful...and now I'm a bit lonely. I haven't quite adjusted to it yet. Mom will be back in October though, so that's not too long. I should relish the silence while I still have it. My belly is getting large. I feel so big. I've started having my breathing problems at night again. I wake up gasping for air. Seems like it's related to sleep apnea...but I'm not sure. It is scary and I feel like I'm choking and may not recover, but I always do. I panic. I always panic.

Okay, off to take mom's suitcase to UPS. They ran out of room for it. At least I get to go to Park Avenue--it's a cool part of the city. Then, maybe back for a short nap. (I've already taken one today.)