I'll think about it tomorrow.

I'm still recovering from whatever sickness I had that had me throwing up 11 times. And the snow is coming. 4-8 inches. The more the better. Why not. I have no where to go, might as well have something to look at. Mom and I are going to see a new musical at Geva on Friday night. It is a rock musical with book and lyrics by Brian Yorkey and music by Tom Kitt. Its story concerns a mother who struggles with worsening bipolar disorder and the effect that her illness has on her family. The musical also addresses such issues as grieving a loss, suicide, drug abuse, ethics in modern psychiatry, and suburban life.--Wikipedia.

I'm looking forward to it...a nice HEAVY production ought to lift my spirits.

It is almost 5pm and the snow is not here yet. hmmm.

Mom leaves on Sunday. Then I have a month until Dustin gets here with Ryan. We haven't just been us for a long time. We'll see how that goes. :) It's just been so helpful to have an extra pair of hands. 

I'm not going to think about it. That seems to be what I do lately, just put thoughts on the back burner. I'm so Scarlett right now. There is a lot going on and I can't keep up with it emotionally. I figure, I'll deal with each drama one day at at time. Jason's dad is sick. My dear friend Becky is having major surgery. My grandpa isn't doing well at all. I'm in NY...with  my hands tied. It's hard to be so far away--and yet, I may have some perspective that will help in the long run.

I need a good book to read to continue in my ignorant bliss....anyone have any suggestions?

I'm happy I voted for Obama.

Inauguration day. Watched with Harper and Mom. Yesterday I was sick all day...lost 6 lbs. Ugh. Still feeling a little ill, but very thirsty!

I was very moved by Obama's speech. I am proud I voted for him. It was a very liberal speech, I doubt many of my Kansas friends approved, if they even watched it. This was my favorite part:

"It is now our generation's task to carry on what those pioneers began. For our journey is not complete until our wives, our mothers, and daughters can earn a living equal to their efforts. Our journey is not complete until our gay brothers and sisters are treated like anyone else under the law — for if we are truly created equal, then surely the love we commit to one another must be equal as well. Our journey is not complete until no citizen is forced to wait for hours to exercise the right to vote. Our journey is not complete until we find a better way to welcome the striving, hopeful immigrants who still see America as a land of opportunity; until bright young students and engineers are enlisted in our workforce rather than expelled from our country. Our journey is not complete until all our children, from the streets of Detroit to the hills of Appalachia to the quiet lanes of Newtown, know that they are cared for, and cherished, and always safe from harm."

Harper will not remember today...but I will remember being with her...and my mom. Now we're going to watch Downton Abbey. :) This is just as fun.

There are days...

that are better than others, sure. Days when the sky just looks bluer. When something about how the colors reflect that reminds you of another time in your life--a less complicated time, sure...but maybe not as sweet. I become overwhelmed with things. The idea of bringing up two good girls is a lot. To provide a loving and organized home is a lot. To keep your cool when your child is trying your patience is a lot. However, these are good times. The love in the marriage is good. The friendship in the marriage is good. The health of your children is good. The roof over your head...may leak at times, but it is stable. Our walls are not caving in...not yet. We do have some health concerns in our family that we are trying to deal with...but the best we can do is be positive and see what happens. That's all anyone can do, right? Worrying doesn't do any good.

Snow fell overnight and it made a nice downy cover over the yard and the trees. It's clean and hopeful. I am on the phone with some that are having a hell of a time right now. They're in a shitty marriage or relationship...their health is failing...they don't know where to turn. All I can do is be here.

Sometimes

I can't stand texting...because people use it instead of talking.
I can't stand the tv because it sucks my attention from other important things.
I can't stand being so far away from so many that I love.
I wish I operated on electricity and would never get tired.
I wish we didn't need food to survive because it's a pain in the ass to think about.
I wish I were more thoughtful and considerate of others.
I wish I didn't put so much pressure on dumb things.
I wish I'd pursued a career in film/tv production.
I wish someone would have kicked my ass in college about throwing my schooling away.
I wish I hadn't dated some of the boys I dated.

And yes, I know it got me where I am today...but sometimes...you think about it.

I've been away

Sorry about that. I'm not doing so well keeping up with this. I'll try to do better.

Update:
Z is potty training. 24 hours with no accidents. We will see...
I saw Silver Linings Playbook. It made me uncomfortable and I felt it was too long. Everyone loves it. I think it hit too close to home for me. I've been around those types of people...I don't want to spend time with them, really. I did think Jennifer did a great job. Bradley was so nice to look at, I think he was okay.

I watched Oprah's Master Class on Maya Angelou yesterday. It was really beautiful. She is so wise. I learned that the longer I live, the more I realize that my young, judgmental self was so naive. I have much to learn about human beings and life. I have much to learn about me.

This isn't from the show I watched...but thought you might like it.

I'm going to start reading more of her books...I feel she is just a wealth of knowledge and someone I aspire to be like.

Happy New Year...

Haven't posted in quite some time. Family has been here and I've been busy with my OCD, cleaning up after everyone. I wish I wasn't like that, but I am. I wish I could enjoy more instead of thinking about how things don't look just perfect. Drives me nuts. I want every moment to look picture perfect. I don't know why...

Now that the holidays are over, I tend to sit and reflect. The winter blues loom. This could be because of my hormones. I'm not sure. I listen to the dish washer and all of a sudden life seems monotonous. It should be a comforting sound. I might've picked a bad day to blog.

I've now heard of 3 couples becoming engaged. It's a hopeful thing to do. I am happy for them. I remember when I was. Life moves on. You find that person and your life starts to take a different shape. It becomes more about others instead of you. It is very hard to hold onto your insides at times.

Yeah...I think my hormones are getting the best of me today. Should I start again another day?

still

My mom flies in tonight. It will be nice to have her here. Christmas is just around the corner. I'm hoping I'm creating the feeling in Z that I had as a child. In less than 10 days, our house will be full of family. We will be playing games and eating...decorating cookies and laughing. I look forward to it. I want to take mental pictures. I know this isn't always how it will be. I know there will be holidays in the future where my heart will ache missing my parents. I will miss the girls as babies. I will miss looking younger. But, hopefully I'll be creating a feeling I can return to during those times. I hope to create good memories for my family.

Jason finished his classes for the semester. He did well. Of course he did. He's exhausted and behind in work, but it is done. Now...we head to Cleveland on Saturday morning when I wish we could just relax at home. I understand why we are going. But...man, do I just wish we could sit still for a minute.

How many times do you just sit still? Not watching tv or reading...but just with nothing. Just with yourself? Just breathing? I think it's something we should do more of.

Who owns a smoke machine??

The weekend was not restful. Jason worked on school work all weekend. He had a project due on Thursday...it is still not done. He's not good with papers. He  never hits his deadlines. He always usually gets an A...but it isn't for promptness. So...we didn't spend any time together and Z is upset that she didn't get to go to the Play Museum.

The day is cloudy and dreary...but I'm fine with it. It fits the mood. The lights can stay on and be seen. I can clean without seeing all the dust that the sunshine brings out. I can listen to jazz music and it seems appropriate.

We are headed to Cleveland this weekend. I wish I could say that I'm looking forward to it. I am not. We haven't had ANY time as a family and now we are off to visit other people. I had a falling out with his mother this week. She felt the need to leave J a long venting voicemail about her disapproval that Z isn't potty trained yet. Jason brought it up to me at dinner on Friday night. It wasn't the best timing--I was furious and fired off an email. I did wait an hour. It wasn't awful. I wasn't disrespectful. I'd just had it. I find her CONSTANT pessimism tiresome. She rarely talks about happy things are sees the good in ANYTHING.

Okay...enough.

My mom comes on Thursday. I AM looking forward to that. Though it isn't his fault...J's been so busy that I've just been on my own in the evenings. It will nice to have someone to watch tv and talk to. He works too hard. It sucks.

My SIL turned me on to a new website...8tracks.com. I love it. Also, I'm addicted to this video right now--Z makes me play it a few times a day. Enjoy. (No, she doesn't hear the curse words in case you were wondering)

Enjoy.

Quick update.
My dad came for a week. It was so nice to have him here. I know it will be a time that I remember. I find myself taking more mental pictures of life as time goes on. It's not just with my parents, but with everyone. You can't take times or people for granted--we lose people all too often too soon. When never know whom or when.

I also got the flu in a major way a couple days ago. Wow. It came out of nowhere and took me out completely. I think I threw up 15 times in 12 hours. I'm now down to pre-baby weight. I can button my pants now.

Harper is doing well. She is quite a sleeper at night. We got lucky. During my barfing spells...she just snoozed away. Zoë turned 3 yesterday. I can't believe it. My little one. She is quite the firecracker! Funny, bull headed and way too smart. Put that together with how pretty she is...we are really in for it.

Our guests keep coming. Mom arrives next week. My sister and fam the week after. Kortney and Jason come in January. Dustin will be here for 10 days and Ryan will be here for half the time. I can't wait! I think it's nice that people want to come see us. Our house does a great job accommodating everyone. It's a great holiday house. The tree us decorated. We got a real one this year. It could be a little taller, but it fills out the room really well. I decorated with only blue and green lights. Blue and Green usually signify J and me. He's been busy with school. Today he takes his final and then finishes a project. After that...I'm really hoping for some time together. It's been a blur for him for the past few months.

Take time out for each other. We really struggle to do that.

Hoping we get a BIG snow fall soon. It would just make the picture that much more perfect.

This is all for something more, right??

I am going to try again to get something done today! I've been dragging. A bit worn out from the nights with Harper, my daily duties aren't getting done. She is swinging now and Z is at Doodle Bugs. Whew! I'm forcing myself to stick to task. This house WILL be decorated today!! All but the tree. We've decided to go get a real one this year. I've never had one here. The fake trees are so much easier. Geesh. We'll see how it goes. I might save that for when my dad comes. He arrives on Wednesday for about 5 days or so. It will be nice to have him. Lynette can't make it because she is with her father. She is caring for him--representing a time in my life that I am not ready for.

My parents are in their 70s. I know that my time is limited with them. I'm not ready. Many of my friends have already lost a parent. I don't know how they dealt with it. I can imagine the feeling of abandonment and feeling lost and alone. Ugh. There is so much life that I have not yet lived. So many hurts and joys that I have to experience. Life is quite the time...it has to lead to something else, right? What is the point of being all the wiser right before you pass away? What were the lessons for? They have to be carried on to somewhere else...at least that's my thinking. I don't know what the place is, but I imagine seeing my loved ones there. Heaven is the best word for it. Jason doesn't believe in Heaven or Hell. He's not sure about God. That I am sure about. We're being watched over. I want to believe that.

The power of twinkle lights

Trying to decorate for the second day. My exhaustion from being up at night is getting in the way. Plus, no one else seems to be as into it as I am. To have someone to decorate with is nice. Makes me miss my sister. Jason is so busy with work and school. Z's focus is divided. When the girls get bigger...this will be a great time. I am chasing a feeling of childhood. I always do. It could even be something I've made up in my mind. I want to create the same feeling in the girls. Having the family here for Thanksgiving was really nice. Waking up to the sound of grandparents...what a great thing. I miss mine dearly. This time of year brings that up as well--missing those who aren't here. It is a happy, yet gut wrenching time.

All I can do is try to make the girls happy. Give them great memories like I have. Fill the time with holiday music, lights and smiles. I want them to understand that this is a time of love. It is a time to feel at peace and to feel safe. It is the best time to be understanding and grateful. It's a time to appreciate all religions and traditions.

I want them to grow up open minded and kind. I want them to be mindful of others. I am trying to do the same.

Now, off to do more decorating...my effort to transform the house into a magical place for the girls to enjoy. Wish me luck.

pretty in pink...

I'm not a "pink" person. I've tried to redirect Z from liking it...but it is a lost cause. She loves it. ugh. I just ordered her birthday cake in pink. (She did say she wanted red and blue birds on it though...whew!)  The family (Jason's) arrives tomorrow. I have 2 easy pies to make and all of the side dishes. Shouldn't be too bad. I will leave the cream pies for Christmas. I am on my 4th day of being sick. That doesn't help my productivity.

I'm listening to holiday music...currently Josh Groban...and it is putting me in the mood.

Hope you all have a great Thanksgiving. I have MUCH to be thankful for. I'm sure you do as well. If you can't think of many things...have a drink...it should help make them more clear. (Jason is relying on drinking to make it through the holiday.) HA! His "to do" list is long...and the number one item is "pick up wine."

Okay, I'm not one for the grayness. I need green, colors or a blanket of snow. I need natural decoration. The leafless trees are just dragging me down. Thanksgiving is next week and I'm looking forward to the flash of guests--2 days of craziness and then it is quiet again. I will decorate for Christmas on Friday--just to get the damn twinkle lights up before I go nuts. I will drown myself in eggnog and listen to holiday music until my ears bleed.

F  U baby blues...I can handle it!

Fatigue, hormones or SAD??

My little sister was here over the weekend. I love having people visit. But the feeling my heart feels when they leave...I could do without. It is a familiar feeling. It seems like it ages you. Or, maybe it just exercises the muscle. Ups and downs...being excited...feeling loss. Do you ever feel like you question yourself as to why you act a certain way? Do we force ourselves in certain directions? Do we go to extremes to save ourselves...from ourselves? I constantly question why I don't live in Kansas when so many I love live there. Why live clear out here where I really don't know many at all. Most of my support network is in one place. I think it is sad that I distance myself from a time of life instead of realizing that I can grow and be who I am now without worrying about becoming "that person" again. I feel good here in NY. My babies were born here...Jason and I are a little unit and we are away from some of the toxic relationships in our lives. Maybe this is just how it is...the feeling of missing people. Maybe I should just be happy that people want to visit. I should focus on the time spent instead of time lost.

Maybe it's just the weather turning gray. Maybe it's seasonal affective disorder. Christmas lights are coming...the girls are beautiful and happy...

I'm just exhausted today and I  miss people.

I can just hope for more visitors.

bye, bye love.

It's Sunday. Mom left this morning. I was close to tears all morning. Not only will I miss her, but her leaving signifies that this "birth experience" is over. Sounds silly. Harper wasn't here...and then she was. It was a life altering event that won't be repeated and I'm just mourning it a bit. Bringing a baby home is just a special thing--magical almost.

Today I just want to sit in a hot bubble bath and be alone. It's probably due to just being a little down. I tend to retreat into myself. I self medicate by becoming unsocial. Stupid really.

Z has an eye infection and her eyes are seeping constantly. Great. Harper is snoring next to me. (She has small nasal passages and snores a lot--the doc says they will continue to get bigger as she does and her snores will be a thing of the past.) I should tape them to play for her first boyfriend.

Mandi comes on Thursday to save me from myself. I can't wait. She's never visited me where I've lived. It will be nice for her to see New York. 2 weeks earlier she would've seen some gorgeousness...now the trees are dead except a few. The snow needs to blanket it outside so we have more to look at.

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. It's time to get back to reading books and blogging. I need to form another schedule for myself. I need to lose the last 10 lbs. (I lost 20 in a week--hello breastfeeding!!) I can't get sucked in by these blues. That won't be good for anyone.

She's here and I'm back.

It's the day after Halloween. The last time I posted I believe I was very impatient about Harper getting here. Harper Autumn Bennington Vidmar got here on Oct. 20th at 2:10AM. It went well. I delivered on my side. Strange, yes? I thought it was. I had labor pains from about 3PM until my epidural around 9PM. That was enough. I applaud the women who do it naturally. I am not much for pain. When given the okay to push, I pushed for 14 mins and she was out. My only thought is...get her out here because I can't do this all night. She is beautiful. Her coloring is so different from Z's. Interesting. She looks more like I thought Z would look like--dark hair and blue eyes. Z with her beautiful blond locks and bright blue eyes...she must have gotten it from my dad's side.

Oddly enough, even though I hated (let's face it) pregnancy--especially the end--the thought of never going through it again saddens me terribly. Maybe it's my hormones? We want 2 and that's it. (But I can see how people have many  more.) The entire process is addicting. Labor just proves how strong you are as well as just getting through 9 months. The end result being this beautiful being who is just her own spirit and she is here because you wanted her--that's amazing to me. She's a very zen baby. The docs says so, we say so...she's just laid back and quiet most of the time. She takes in the world a lot for such a young one. When her eyes are open...she really seems like she can see?? She moves her neck around just looking about with WIDE eyes. It's pretty cool. Z is doing pretty well with her. She is struggling herself right now it seems. Tantrums are almost 2 a day. She loses her mind. She is fine one moment and then goes crazy the next?? It's making me doubt my parental ways. Am I causing this? Is this normal? She screams and repeats a phrase about a million times. ??? I feel like I need a professional to guide me.

Here are the girls. Sweet, eh? Beautiful. We are lucky. (click on it to make it bigger)

My mom leaves on Sunday. Yuck. The blog will be more regular now. I need to get back somewhat on a schedule for myself or I worry about getting the blues. I took down the Halloween decs and now am putting up Thanksgiving. The change of season--from the beautiful tress to snow is coming soon. Bring on the snow and the lights. I need them.

Laboring

If I could sit today and just cry, I would. I am not good at the mood swings and my body aching. I'm 10 lbs heavier with H than I was with Z. I'm also 3 years older. It makes a difference. I am appreciative of the gift--but I am not graceful at all. My strength lies in other areas of my life. Pain and being uncomfortable is not one. However, I also can't stand whining--so I'm pretty sick of myself in general right now. "Suck it up and shut up!!!" is how I feel about myself most of the time.

This week mom and I went to see Argo and The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Argo was a nail biter. Very good. Entertaining and educational. I recommend. Perks was also very good. I was worried if Mom would enjoy it since it was teens--I read the book (excellent). She really liked it and kept saying how well done it was. It's more than a teen angst movie. It's more than just relating a time of life. The feelings and experiences these kids have at 14 and 17 are ones we continue to have in our lives. Life doesn't get easier, but when all of these big emotions hit in your teen years, it is your first experience with such heartbreak and disappointment. Life becomes more real. The innocence is gone. It is tough to understand and figure out where you belong in it all.

Even as an adult, I find it hard to find my way. There are days (like today) when you just feel lost. You can't discern your own feelings. You just sit in a blah state. I'm probably just tired. Fatigue really messes with me.

It messes with Z as well. She is whiny and totally out of it. She is crying constantly and fighting me on everything. Tantrums are increasing. It's driving me batty. Basically, she screams and cries and I want to do the same thing.

I'm going to have 2 girls?? Geesh, what kind of mom will I be??

Send thoughts of labor my way.

Still waiting

Still no baby yet. I'm ready. My fears are subsiding due to how uncomfortable I am. Jason is busy with school and work and would like her to take as long as possible. Easy for him to say. Z is ready. I got her a gift from Harper. Hopefully it will break the ice well.

Mom is here. She's been helping me get H's room ready and get Z's room to where it should be. We've gotten a lot accomplished. I have a doc appt in a few minutes. We'll see how dilated I am. I've been 1 for the last 2 weeks. Can I see a 3 please??

We watched the VP debate last night. Jason commented on how many republican friends I have on Facebook. "Yes...I grew up in Kansas..." Hehehe. It doesn't bother me. Some really like to state their views. If I write something for my candidate, I always write something nice about the other as well. No need to be so negative. They are both good men.

I did talk to my therapist on Skype this week about my constant fears about J dying whenever he leaves the house. I won't go into detail, but instead of focusing on what I thought it was about, she focused it on having abandonment issues. Interesting. We'll just leave it at that. It was a new way of thinking about it. I can see her point. It makes more sense than what I was thinking. "You're not worried about him leaving you or cheating on you...so the next thing would be for him to die."

Huh.

Gotta go. Think baby for me.

up early

It's Saturday morning. Z woke me up before 6 to eat. I wasn't sleeping that well anyway. Jason fell asleep early and I ended up watching a movie unti late---Places in the Heart, with Sally Field. It's from 1984. I saw it in the movie theatre when I was 9. My mom always took us to see the movies she wanted to see. I barely ever went to kid movies. I saw age inappropriate movies (now that I look back), but I didn't know the difference. I feel it helped with my appreciation of film. They were very mature movies with mature themes and it seems at the time, I got it. I wasn't bored watching them. Well, the only one I didn't like was Passage to India. I thought that was boring. Oh, and Chariots of Fire--but I was 6. I remember watching The Color Purple--I would've been 10. I was glued. I really liked it. Talk about an adult movie! Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan was probably my favorite. I wanted to be Tarzan and live in the jungle. I wanted to be dropped off and I'd figure it out. Now I know about all of the creepy crawlies...no thanks. I'd never survive the bugs. YUCK. I find it funny that I wanted to be Tarzan and live with apes and not the pretty Jane. It never occurred to me. She seemed boring.

Mom comes in tonight. Harper seems to be holding on for her. As long as she is here, I'm fine with going into labor at any time! I would prefer it not be at night. I'd love it if the contractions started around 7 in the morning...or 8. I'd like it to be light out. I think it would help with my whacky anxiety. I've been waking up with the "night terrors" again. That is such a silly name. It basically means that I have anxiety attacks that wake me up and it is hard to breath. It's scary. I need to see a doctor after the baby is born. It takes about 45 mins to recover from a big attack. So odd. Looks like I've held off depression, but anxiety is just natural for me. I'm high strung.

Today we get out baby things--clothes, car seat, move the mattress back up in the crib, pack the hospital bag and such. I think Jason will feel better once that is all done.

The fatigue of waking up early is setting in. Let's hope Jason is ready to take his shift.

mother of the year

Not the best day. I'm doing a poor job of being mommy. I'm exhausted. My nights are short due to being uncomfortable and having horrible acid reflux. I'm finally able to go to sleep around 3. I'm exhausted and don't have much energy to do anything. Poor Z saw me finally burst into tears out of frustration and she started to cry, too. She's never seen me cry before. I felt awful.

She just came and asked me if I was crying because she was crying. (Well, yes) I said of course not. "I won't cry anymore, Mommy." I'm causing therapy bills for her before she's even 3. Poor thing. I'm only on #2--how do my friends have more children? I am in awe of them. I think of it all of the time. I'm not built for it. I know they have their bad days, too. I just feel as if I'm having a lot in a row right now. Please let it be the pregnancy and I will feel back to myself again after the baby is born.

I'm reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I love it. Charlie, the main character, has so many feelings that I used to have. He is so relatable. In 1991, the setting, the main focus for teens was still music and books. The internet played no part. Music affected him and he used it to communicate. I don't even really like the music of today. I sound so old. I just feel like we thought more. We talked more to each other. We felt more. We didn't create feelings and thoughts to post to seem cool. We just were what we were--mostly confused or in love or both. I recommend it if you were a teen in 1991. Even if you weren't...it's a great book. It's an easy read. It flows well. There is a movie, too. It's out in Brooklyn. Jeremy told me it was playing at BAM. I'd told him to read it. He will relate.

On the plus side...I did finally hear from my therapist. We have an appointment for next week to Skype. Whew.