When I had my weekend away 3 weeks ago, I said I was going to write every day. Clearly, that didn't happen. I constantly make rules for myself that I break. It's annoying. No one knows about them except me--and now, you, but still. Time gets away from me.
The gym training is going very well. I'm so much stronger than I was when I started. It's amazing how quickly your body responds. I lost my spare tire. I just need to wipe out the cellulite, but I don't believe that is possible. damn.
Harper turns 1 tomorrow. I can't believe it. She is about the sweetest thing. Always smiling and happy. She has her moments when she is hungry or tired, but otherwise, she is just so good. She is starting to sign now. She can sign milk, more, eat and nap. She can stand and walk with assistance but she isn't quite walking yet.
This is such a random post. It's more of a catch up.
I finished The Killing (all 3 seasons) on Amazon--really loved it. It is so dark though. Linden, the main character is so flawed and brave. She is a different breed of woman from me. I find it so interesting to see how we can all dive into such dark places in our minds--and how we survive them.
I watched a movie the other night, Concussion, that is not for everyone. I loved it, but I focused more on what compelled the main character to go through her journey. She is a lesbian in a marriage that seems to have dulled by jobs and children. She is lonely and bored with her existence. She decides to become a (for lack of a better word) prostitute. She is only with women. It's is a very Pottery Barn way of going about it. All of her clients are beautiful. They meet tin a chic apartment that she has redone as a side project. The whole things seems unrealistic. However, her thought processes and such were fascinating to me. I told Jason that I identified with her--"You identify with a lesbian prostitute? Hmmm." Yeah, I can see how he might not get it. You had to be there, I guess.
We are seeing Gravity tonight in 3D IMAX. I'm excited! Next weekend we're going to see The 39 Steps at Geva. That one is the one I'm really excited to see. I love Hitchcock and Geva always does such a Broadway level job. I'm so impressed with them. I'd love to become part of that theatre somehow--behind the scenes. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to be...
It seems to me that I'm drawn to stories of very confused, lost women. Hmmm. That's concerning, right??
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Friday, October 04, 2013
maybe i should buy a cape.
I have a fear of flying. Well, I get anxious about becoming anxious when flying. My face feels like tiny pins are sticking it and I feel light headed. It's always about the time before take off. I have more to lose now if things don't work out. I'm so excited for my weekend away, yet miss my girls already. I could have cried taking Z to Doodle Bugs this morning. I didn't, she wouldn't understand. It seems like at times all I want is some time to myself--but in the hours leading up to it, it feels like my heart is so heavy. Is this an unhealthy attachment to my children? Maybe. Oh well. Deep breath. They will be fine.
That's another one of my issues--I feel like anyone out of my sight is in danger of not coming back. I have MAJOR separation anxiety. Except it goes further...I'm fearful. I'm terrified of any type of accident. I really need to be seen about it. My anxiety is out of control.
I am a fearful person. It doesn't seem to match me at times, but I feel it is true. I've done a lot of brave/stupid things...but mostly, I'm clueless when I'm doing it. I'm trying to put this part of myself aside so that the girls don't see it. My mom is fear based it seems. She worries over everything. I feel like that causes the child to have anxiety...and the cycle continues.
Woman up. Right? You're right. I need to. I'm going to. As soon as I get out of this fetal position.
That's another one of my issues--I feel like anyone out of my sight is in danger of not coming back. I have MAJOR separation anxiety. Except it goes further...I'm fearful. I'm terrified of any type of accident. I really need to be seen about it. My anxiety is out of control.
I am a fearful person. It doesn't seem to match me at times, but I feel it is true. I've done a lot of brave/stupid things...but mostly, I'm clueless when I'm doing it. I'm trying to put this part of myself aside so that the girls don't see it. My mom is fear based it seems. She worries over everything. I feel like that causes the child to have anxiety...and the cycle continues.
Woman up. Right? You're right. I need to. I'm going to. As soon as I get out of this fetal position.
Thursday, October 03, 2013
I want someone to swing me around and show me beauty...
Spent the day trying to be productive. I was mostly successful. I leave for Chicago for the weekend tomorrow. A couple of days with dear friends to relax and not be a mommy or a wife. (well, you know what I mean.)
I am admittedly a better mommy than wife. I was a good girlfriend--I think. As a wife, I struggle to keep my independence and not fall into some type of 1950s style of life. Stay at home mom--I mean, hello!! It's hard not to feel less than in front of women that have children and work a full time job. Bravo to them. I love staying home with the girls, but it affects my mentality. I'm trying to paint a picture of a secure person who is cool with all of her decisions. I'm sweet and cuddly with my girls. I struggle with the sweet and cuddly wife thing. ?? I used to be the biggest mush. I think I second guess how J sees me--basically thinking I'm not that interesting most of the time, so how could he think so?
This is a therapy session folks, sorry.
Okay. I want to see Gravity. The movies are pouring out due to awards season and there is just not enough time!! #1stworldproblems.
Z is starting to like movies. She can sit and watch them over and over. This week it was Robin Hood (the Disney fox version) and The Wizard of Oz. I was a little shocked about that one, but the McD's toys spurred her interested.
Let's end with something happy.
This is my all time favorite movie.
And I feel like I need this type of experience right now...
I am admittedly a better mommy than wife. I was a good girlfriend--I think. As a wife, I struggle to keep my independence and not fall into some type of 1950s style of life. Stay at home mom--I mean, hello!! It's hard not to feel less than in front of women that have children and work a full time job. Bravo to them. I love staying home with the girls, but it affects my mentality. I'm trying to paint a picture of a secure person who is cool with all of her decisions. I'm sweet and cuddly with my girls. I struggle with the sweet and cuddly wife thing. ?? I used to be the biggest mush. I think I second guess how J sees me--basically thinking I'm not that interesting most of the time, so how could he think so?
This is a therapy session folks, sorry.
Okay. I want to see Gravity. The movies are pouring out due to awards season and there is just not enough time!! #1stworldproblems.
Z is starting to like movies. She can sit and watch them over and over. This week it was Robin Hood (the Disney fox version) and The Wizard of Oz. I was a little shocked about that one, but the McD's toys spurred her interested.
Let's end with something happy.
This is my all time favorite movie.
And I feel like I need this type of experience right now...
Wednesday, October 02, 2013
you mock my pain.
I'm finding it hard to be consistent here. Having the blues makes you want to hide away from the world a bit and not pull people into your oh woe is me-ness. But I'm forcing myself to reach out today. The trees are starting to really pop. Yesterday was good. Z and I decorated for Halloween. We have lights with sound effects (thunder and lightening!) and lights that licker like lanterns. It's cool. Z calls one of the rooms "the spooky forest" because we have a 4 ft. black gnarly tree that is wrapped in lights. We embrace all of the ghouls here. Except, that I can't even watch scary movies if I know J will be gone due to my over active imagination.
Harper turns 1 in 18 days. I can't believe it. She isn't walking yet, so she is still my baby. She is the sweetest. Constantly comes in for a cuddle and loves to hold hands and mimic anything you do. (She's really quite good!)
I'm resisting the urge to nap right now, worrying that I'll go under water. I've always seen the blues as water slowly creeping up my neck trying to over take me. I don't feel like drowning. Jason is out of town tonight and there is much to do before these girls go to bed.
The words from The Princess Bride keep running over and over in my head lately. "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone that says differently is selling something."
My idealist thoughts of life were probably born out of movies. I hold on to them a lot. Hence, the fact that I am constantly disappointed. The people in my life that constantly told me how hard life is, I felt were always so negative. Well, they were right--but I still think they were negative about it. It is hard. All aspects have challenges. I struggle with most things. However, I still see the light in most situations. How else to you keep going??
The light is here...mine is just dimmed a bit. It will burn bright again. I just have to be patient.
Harper turns 1 in 18 days. I can't believe it. She isn't walking yet, so she is still my baby. She is the sweetest. Constantly comes in for a cuddle and loves to hold hands and mimic anything you do. (She's really quite good!)
I'm resisting the urge to nap right now, worrying that I'll go under water. I've always seen the blues as water slowly creeping up my neck trying to over take me. I don't feel like drowning. Jason is out of town tonight and there is much to do before these girls go to bed.
The words from The Princess Bride keep running over and over in my head lately. "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone that says differently is selling something."
My idealist thoughts of life were probably born out of movies. I hold on to them a lot. Hence, the fact that I am constantly disappointed. The people in my life that constantly told me how hard life is, I felt were always so negative. Well, they were right--but I still think they were negative about it. It is hard. All aspects have challenges. I struggle with most things. However, I still see the light in most situations. How else to you keep going??
The light is here...mine is just dimmed a bit. It will burn bright again. I just have to be patient.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
more control issues
The sun is shining. It's going to be a beautiful day. Yet, I am full of anxiety. This is driving me nuts. When surrounded by people who struggle daily, I seem to find stress in my good life. I feel guilty about feeling this way.
Okay, I have a really hard time owning my feelings. I feel badly if I feel bad. If I have anxiety. If I'm lonely. If I need more attention. It's not the woman I want to be--yet, it is the woman I am. It wouldn't take a lot, just a little. To have a go to movie person--when J can 't go. To have a go to person that comes over and chit chats. To have a go to person to go on walks.
I've lived my with close friends. I'm a friend person. I can't make Jason be everything to me and I've been trying to. That doesn't work. When I'm lonely, it is all on him. I need to nourish some parts of me that are not mommy and wife.
I got a trainer at the gym and that's been great. I'm getting stronger. My body was so weak from surgeries, babies and no exercise. Now, I feel like I'm taking control of it.
My life is a good one. I know this. I am aware of the hardships of others and know that I am lucky to have the life I have. It's my insides I need to work on.
(Thank you JP for reaching out. That made a HUGE difference)
Okay, I have a really hard time owning my feelings. I feel badly if I feel bad. If I have anxiety. If I'm lonely. If I need more attention. It's not the woman I want to be--yet, it is the woman I am. It wouldn't take a lot, just a little. To have a go to movie person--when J can 't go. To have a go to person that comes over and chit chats. To have a go to person to go on walks.
I've lived my with close friends. I'm a friend person. I can't make Jason be everything to me and I've been trying to. That doesn't work. When I'm lonely, it is all on him. I need to nourish some parts of me that are not mommy and wife.
I got a trainer at the gym and that's been great. I'm getting stronger. My body was so weak from surgeries, babies and no exercise. Now, I feel like I'm taking control of it.
My life is a good one. I know this. I am aware of the hardships of others and know that I am lucky to have the life I have. It's my insides I need to work on.
(Thank you JP for reaching out. That made a HUGE difference)
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
I've been avoiding this
I haven't blogged forever. I know. I feel like I've been avoiding it. I've been filled with too much conflicting emotion and worried about being too negative. I think it's a low spot. The girls are always my high point--though I have my days when I feel like another mom needs to check in so I can rest and be a better me. I am tired...yet everyone is. I feel as if I can't own my own issues. I know everyone has them...therefore it makes me feel like a wimp to deal with my own. Someone out there is always tougher, smarter, more equipped than I am. I want to be good at it. I want to be better than I am.
Today is a day where I feel as if I'm on an island alone. I don't feel in touch with anyone. I don't feel connected. I'm lonely. I'm used to such every day closeness...with friends, etc. I don't have that here. I look outward for love. I'm needy. I hate admitting that. I want to strong, independent and self sufficient. I'm just not. I need affection. I need connection. I need conversation.
Jason works a lot. Everyone knows this. It is too much for me, really. It's too much for him, too. He is addicted. He doesn't think so. They never do. I don't know what to say about this really. It's just the way it is.
My good friends are far away. The phone sucks. The reality is that life gets busy and makes it hard to stay in touch the way I want to.
I'm lost today. I'm bored with myself. I'm bored with who I am...I'm not seeming to learn anything new. I obsess over things I can't change. Things I feel as if I can somehow. My family stresses me out. I feel like a little girl constantly upset. When will I ever feel like an adult?
See...this is whiny. I can't help it. I'm processing. damn.
Today is a day where I feel as if I'm on an island alone. I don't feel in touch with anyone. I don't feel connected. I'm lonely. I'm used to such every day closeness...with friends, etc. I don't have that here. I look outward for love. I'm needy. I hate admitting that. I want to strong, independent and self sufficient. I'm just not. I need affection. I need connection. I need conversation.
Jason works a lot. Everyone knows this. It is too much for me, really. It's too much for him, too. He is addicted. He doesn't think so. They never do. I don't know what to say about this really. It's just the way it is.
My good friends are far away. The phone sucks. The reality is that life gets busy and makes it hard to stay in touch the way I want to.
I'm lost today. I'm bored with myself. I'm bored with who I am...I'm not seeming to learn anything new. I obsess over things I can't change. Things I feel as if I can somehow. My family stresses me out. I feel like a little girl constantly upset. When will I ever feel like an adult?
See...this is whiny. I can't help it. I'm processing. damn.
Wednesday, August 07, 2013
I've been gone. sort of.
I'm back now. I had family in for 5 weeks. So, I became a full time maid and cruise director and didn't have time to write.
So many things to reflect on and discuss. Geesh. Here is a quick list of things I either learned or had reemphasized in the last 5-6 weeks.
1. You may share blood...and nothing else. Isn't that odd??
2. I have a hard time carving out time for myself with others are around.
3. I need to let my daughters fight their own battles, but I really want to solve all of their problems myself.
4. I need more therapy.
5. I need to work on my fear of conflict, especially if it is needed.
6. #4 covers a lot of my issues I've discovered in myself.
Some random thoughts:
1. Watched House of Cards on Netflix and LOVE IT!!!
2. I've started reading a book on parenting a strong willed child so that I don't ruin my relationship with Z.
3. At one time I lived without a dishwasher...ours broke and I went nuts the first day. Talk about a 1st world problem!
4. I'm starting with a trainer at my gym soon. Jason and friends did Tough Mudder in Buffalo and I backed out due to fear of breaking my body. Watching them, I was filled with regret. Next year...I totally want to do it.
5. I'm tired of being fearful. I need to face some things head on.
More to come...
It feels good to be back!!
So many things to reflect on and discuss. Geesh. Here is a quick list of things I either learned or had reemphasized in the last 5-6 weeks.
1. You may share blood...and nothing else. Isn't that odd??
2. I have a hard time carving out time for myself with others are around.
3. I need to let my daughters fight their own battles, but I really want to solve all of their problems myself.
4. I need more therapy.
5. I need to work on my fear of conflict, especially if it is needed.
6. #4 covers a lot of my issues I've discovered in myself.
Some random thoughts:
1. Watched House of Cards on Netflix and LOVE IT!!!
2. I've started reading a book on parenting a strong willed child so that I don't ruin my relationship with Z.
3. At one time I lived without a dishwasher...ours broke and I went nuts the first day. Talk about a 1st world problem!
4. I'm starting with a trainer at my gym soon. Jason and friends did Tough Mudder in Buffalo and I backed out due to fear of breaking my body. Watching them, I was filled with regret. Next year...I totally want to do it.
5. I'm tired of being fearful. I need to face some things head on.
More to come...
It feels good to be back!!
Friday, June 28, 2013
happy for no reason it seems
It's harder for me to write every day. ugh. Today it's raining...and will be for the next several days. The next clear, sunny day is forecasted for July 5th. geesh.
my mood is good, though. i'm in a great mood today for some reason. i've been stressed out for days. i don't know what the change is, but i'll take it. how out of touch i am with myself that when i am in a great mood, i don't even know why. that's messed up.
jason's birthday is today. he's 36. we'll celebrate tomorrow night. Moe's or wings...and World War Z. He's a zombie lover.
my family arrives on sunday or monday. we're quickly doing house projects. new lights, new door, new faucets. we do most of our home renovations during july. it stresses j out that people will be here during all of the work--but he has a vision of how things should be. if he could totally redecorate the entire house before anyone visited, he would. whacko.
the girls are great. Harper is such a darling. she makes the sweetest noises. Z is really into fort making. yesterday she was all about making paper fans and doing japanese fan dances. She loves Phillip Phillips. She cracks me up.
Well, there's much to be tidied up. I guess I should get to it.
my mood is good, though. i'm in a great mood today for some reason. i've been stressed out for days. i don't know what the change is, but i'll take it. how out of touch i am with myself that when i am in a great mood, i don't even know why. that's messed up.
jason's birthday is today. he's 36. we'll celebrate tomorrow night. Moe's or wings...and World War Z. He's a zombie lover.
my family arrives on sunday or monday. we're quickly doing house projects. new lights, new door, new faucets. we do most of our home renovations during july. it stresses j out that people will be here during all of the work--but he has a vision of how things should be. if he could totally redecorate the entire house before anyone visited, he would. whacko.
the girls are great. Harper is such a darling. she makes the sweetest noises. Z is really into fort making. yesterday she was all about making paper fans and doing japanese fan dances. She loves Phillip Phillips. She cracks me up.
Well, there's much to be tidied up. I guess I should get to it.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Pressure Man--Will Gray.
my friend, Reva is playing banjo...and is a back up singer.
I'm having a hard time with the injustice of cancer. it's taken dear friends before. I don't even know Will personally. maybe it's because I'm older. maybe because I have children. Yes, I think that's it. How will I explain why these thing happen? He's not gone. I don't mean to write as if he is. He's just so ill and nothing can really be done except to hope and pray.
http://goteamgray.com/
#goteamgray
Sometimes, it's just too much
Tonight, I'm overwhelmed. Been following a friend of a friend's progress with cancer online for a while now. I saw him perform with my friend, Reva about 4 years ago in Washington, D.C. Jason and I have followed his music ever since. He is young, talented, kind and a devout christian. I don't go to church and it makes me feel uncomfortable to talk religion most times. Jesus Christ isn't someone I feel like I know. He does. His wife does. They are true followers of the Christian religion. And he's dying. I'm not. For some reason, that screws me up. I know this makes no sense. My friend, Bill, that died at 40 was an atheist. That shit doesn't matter. Bill was one of the kindest souls I've ever met. I just feel odd reading things about young, talented, artistic people who are doing things with their talents...and have such horrible tragedy in their lives. I just read an article tonight about Michael Hastings. He was a writer and a contributor to Rolling Stone. He's dead at 33 after a car accident. WTF. I know this shit happens every day. I know that. Tonight, it is too much for me. I feel as if I'm sitting on a log doing nothing and surviving while others are putting their talents out into the world and getting fucked. you know??
Look up Will Gray. Broke*--the documentary. Go to www.goteamgray.com and see what you think.
Watch this:
https://vimeo.com/67914803
The back up singer is my friend, Reva. They are magical together.
I'm just overwhelmed with these thoughts tonight. I will go kiss my girls and go to bed.
I don't get life. I really don't.
Look up Will Gray. Broke*--the documentary. Go to www.goteamgray.com and see what you think.
Watch this:
https://vimeo.com/67914803
The back up singer is my friend, Reva. They are magical together.
I'm just overwhelmed with these thoughts tonight. I will go kiss my girls and go to bed.
I don't get life. I really don't.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
maybe a nap is needed.
The sun is shining and it is just under 80 degrees. It is beautiful. My mood should be better. I'm just sort of blah. I hate when you feel blue and have no idea why. J left for an overnight business deal. Whenever he drives, I always freak out. I'm trying to stop doing that--but it is hard.
We are celebrating our 6th anniversary on Friday night. I got the reservations. A new place. Probably over priced. Maybe we shouldn't go so fancy, I don't know. It seemed appropriate.
There are days when you wish the world would pause so you could get your bearings. This is one of those days. What the hell is wrong with me??
We are celebrating our 6th anniversary on Friday night. I got the reservations. A new place. Probably over priced. Maybe we shouldn't go so fancy, I don't know. It seemed appropriate.
There are days when you wish the world would pause so you could get your bearings. This is one of those days. What the hell is wrong with me??
Monday, June 10, 2013
girls and heros
The summer is finally getting here, though I'm writing and it's only 64 degrees. It's a nice morning. It's been raining for days--with a beautiful sunny break yesterday. We took family pics in our yard. They are going to be so great to have. Jason HATES getting his picture taken and belly ached for days leading up to it...but he pulled through just fine and ended up liking the process. That's how it goes normally--he dreads social situations and then is fine during the event. It sort of drives me nuts--but I suppose there are reasons for his anxiety and I'll have to just deal with it. He deals with my weeks of anxiety leading up to a trip back home. Same thing.
The girls are doing well. Harper is trying so hard to crawl, but isn't getting anywhere very quickly. She rolls her way to everything. Z is a nice mixture of darling and aggravating. She is so head strong. She is just like her parents--fatigue does not bring out her best side. I love these girls. I'm so anxious to see their friendship grow. Right now they adore each other...I know this will be an up and down thing.
I'm looking into taking a class through Writers and Books. Mom and Wendy are coming in for July, so I think we'll take it together. This is the run down...
A Hero's Journey:Ever wonder why great films have such power to move you? Countless contemporary and classic films draw their storytelling power from mythic structuring and the archetypes we interact with in our own life journey. In this workshop we will break down some of the most beloved films in cinema to show the dramatic impact that mythic structuring & the hero’s journey has over all genres of film.
I want to take a writing class, too, but this one will be fun.
Here are two shots from yesterday:
The girls are doing well. Harper is trying so hard to crawl, but isn't getting anywhere very quickly. She rolls her way to everything. Z is a nice mixture of darling and aggravating. She is so head strong. She is just like her parents--fatigue does not bring out her best side. I love these girls. I'm so anxious to see their friendship grow. Right now they adore each other...I know this will be an up and down thing.
I'm looking into taking a class through Writers and Books. Mom and Wendy are coming in for July, so I think we'll take it together. This is the run down...
A Hero's Journey:Ever wonder why great films have such power to move you? Countless contemporary and classic films draw their storytelling power from mythic structuring and the archetypes we interact with in our own life journey. In this workshop we will break down some of the most beloved films in cinema to show the dramatic impact that mythic structuring & the hero’s journey has over all genres of film.
I want to take a writing class, too, but this one will be fun.
Here are two shots from yesterday:
Monday, June 03, 2013
I'm Mad
I'm obsessed with Mad Men. I could watch it all day. I love the time period. I love the characters. I love the advertising. I love the fashions. I love their reactions to historical events-- It's as if I'm watching family members back in the day- and how they could have reacted. And, since I was not alive yet, I watch their tvs and have similar reactions. I find it fascinating.
I have a great idea for a hotel in Vegas. Each floor (starting with the 1920s) is a decade. On each floor, you could shop in a vintage shop, all tvs (when invented) would show programming from that decade. Each would have its own movie theatre showing films of the day. Each would have foods popular at that time--or restaurant replicas of hot spots. They could have look-a-likes walking around of film stars of the day. (cheesy??) The whole thing would be as if you walked back in time. You get off the elevator and it just is. Nothing telling you what decade...you'd have to figure it out yourself--unless you pre-booked your room in the 1960s. Is that so cool?? Maybe it's just me. I'd go there.
I have a great idea for a hotel in Vegas. Each floor (starting with the 1920s) is a decade. On each floor, you could shop in a vintage shop, all tvs (when invented) would show programming from that decade. Each would have its own movie theatre showing films of the day. Each would have foods popular at that time--or restaurant replicas of hot spots. They could have look-a-likes walking around of film stars of the day. (cheesy??) The whole thing would be as if you walked back in time. You get off the elevator and it just is. Nothing telling you what decade...you'd have to figure it out yourself--unless you pre-booked your room in the 1960s. Is that so cool?? Maybe it's just me. I'd go there.
Sunday, June 02, 2013
Wait a minute.
It's been a while. I've been away. Now that I'm back I'm trying see if I can go into the summer with a new perspective. Kansas ended up being better than I expected. The life is different. It's familiar, but not the same. I missed how the town used to look and feel. It's just not the way I remembered. Well, it's just not the same. So many dead trees due to drought. So many deserted houses. So many houses that used to look nice...honestly, look like shit now. I'm not sure if it's because the pride in the town is gone or what. The HS is smaller. The kids don't care as much. It just sort of sucks.
I come home to my beautiful trees and my house that can never get clean. I'm home with my bed and my girls...and life is good. I'm not saying it isn't hard, it is. Marriage is hard. Life is hard. Being a good parent is hard. But as I look out into my back yard...I'm comforted by the life I've created thus far for the girls. They are happy and healthy.
There are many things I'm pondering. I find myself just sitting and thinking. I know most don't even have the time to do that. Sometimes I just want to sit in the sun and think about nothing. It gets exhausting to keep trying to figure everything out. How do I feel about this? How can I be better at this? What can I do to make that better?
Time isn't slowing down for me to figure it all out.
I come home to my beautiful trees and my house that can never get clean. I'm home with my bed and my girls...and life is good. I'm not saying it isn't hard, it is. Marriage is hard. Life is hard. Being a good parent is hard. But as I look out into my back yard...I'm comforted by the life I've created thus far for the girls. They are happy and healthy.
There are many things I'm pondering. I find myself just sitting and thinking. I know most don't even have the time to do that. Sometimes I just want to sit in the sun and think about nothing. It gets exhausting to keep trying to figure everything out. How do I feel about this? How can I be better at this? What can I do to make that better?
Time isn't slowing down for me to figure it all out.
Monday, May 13, 2013
There's no place like home.
I'm packing today. The girls and I leave tomorrow for Kansas by way of Cleveland. I have friends lined up to see when I arrive and I'm anxious for the conversations to come. I have a heavy heart about leaving here, but only because it is safe for me. At home, I tend to feel insecure and unsure. Here, I have my own issues, but they are mine...and I understand where my place is. I am the mom and the wife. I am the home owner and the one in charge of bed times and bath times. There, I am still the child of someone and worrying about whether I'm pleasing both (divorced) parents. Am I spending enough time? Am I being fair? I grew up worrying about it and I still do.
If I drop all of that away, I am look forward to showing Z my home town. It isn't what it used to be, but things always change. I look forward to spending time with my family and having them get to know my girls. I love my girls. Z is SO funny and smart and pretty. H is so loving and sweet. She is a cuddler. She is a smiler. They both laugh often. I feel that I've done something right because of that.
I look forward to hugging my dear friends and being a good listener for them. I want to make up for all the times I just wanted them to be there for me. I want to share our times and get their take on issues I'm having. I want to make sure we connect again.
This morning said she was excited about leaving. "I'm happy and I'm sad." (I get that.) "I'm sad we're not leaving today...but I'm happy we're going to go." I'm just going to listen to her. She is so optimistic and happy. What a great girl.
If I drop all of that away, I am look forward to showing Z my home town. It isn't what it used to be, but things always change. I look forward to spending time with my family and having them get to know my girls. I love my girls. Z is SO funny and smart and pretty. H is so loving and sweet. She is a cuddler. She is a smiler. They both laugh often. I feel that I've done something right because of that.
I look forward to hugging my dear friends and being a good listener for them. I want to make up for all the times I just wanted them to be there for me. I want to share our times and get their take on issues I'm having. I want to make sure we connect again.
This morning said she was excited about leaving. "I'm happy and I'm sad." (I get that.) "I'm sad we're not leaving today...but I'm happy we're going to go." I'm just going to listen to her. She is so optimistic and happy. What a great girl.
Thursday, May 09, 2013
Letting go.
Spring is here. The sun is out. It is warm. The trees are in bloom. It's gorgeous. My nerves are still a bit raw, but that's just me, I guess.
I'm still anxious. I need to learn to meditate. There are a lot of things I need to learn to do. Different times of life require different tools to get through them.
Deep breaths are good.
Thinking positive thoughts.
Cleaning.
Realizing that you are good, just the way you are.
Out with the bad, in with the good.
I struggle. I'm not as comfortable in my skin as I'd like to be. I feel good as a mom. I need some work as a wife, daughter and friend. I feel I'm trying. Honestly, I feel that I try when others do not. There are a few people in my life that just don't reach out much (like for several months or years) and I'm tired. I have abandonment issues. It is hard for me to let people slip away. I may just have to do that. I can't be the one the continues to reach out. They have to put in some work, too. There are plenty that do. This is a hard realization. We are all busy. It seems that the people that continue to make you feel important as life goes on...are the ones that deserve that energy.
Maybe later, after I've rested--I will reach out again and see what happens. It could be that I'm just ignoring the signs--"uh...I'm okay that we don't talk anymore." Okay...then I'll be okay with it as well.
I'm still anxious. I need to learn to meditate. There are a lot of things I need to learn to do. Different times of life require different tools to get through them.
Deep breaths are good.
Thinking positive thoughts.
Cleaning.
Realizing that you are good, just the way you are.
Out with the bad, in with the good.
I struggle. I'm not as comfortable in my skin as I'd like to be. I feel good as a mom. I need some work as a wife, daughter and friend. I feel I'm trying. Honestly, I feel that I try when others do not. There are a few people in my life that just don't reach out much (like for several months or years) and I'm tired. I have abandonment issues. It is hard for me to let people slip away. I may just have to do that. I can't be the one the continues to reach out. They have to put in some work, too. There are plenty that do. This is a hard realization. We are all busy. It seems that the people that continue to make you feel important as life goes on...are the ones that deserve that energy.
Maybe later, after I've rested--I will reach out again and see what happens. It could be that I'm just ignoring the signs--"uh...I'm okay that we don't talk anymore." Okay...then I'll be okay with it as well.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Complicated and annoying.
I sit here, tired and wanting a nap. It isn't even noon yet. I slept decently last night. I think I'm in a bit of an escape mode. Been going to therapy with Jason and it sure makes you dig up a lot of stuff that you don't necessarily want to deal with. He goes to it like it's a class. He takes notes. He writes them up, edits them and prints them out. Sort of cute, I think. I go and listen and talk. I take nothing in. I don't write about it at all. I sit with the thoughts a lot. They make me tired.
Then there's the Kansas trip. One I always look forward to--but it also wears me out to think about it as well. I go back and try to connect again with the people I love for a short amount of time. It's exhausting. My friends are now mothers. We have children racing around. Our friendship grew in a time of quiet and self evaluation. Now, we have no time to really talk. I'm all about connecting and feeling connected. It's just tough right now. I want to feel as if we're in some time of life long class. It's ups and downs. The tests, the pop quizzes of shit just thrown at you. I want to check in with them. "How is it going for you?" "Are you figuring it out?" "Have you figured out how to get an A in here?"
I like to explore. But it makes me tired. So, I retreat into anything that I can. Movies are a big one. This past weekend we went to see A Place Beyond the Pines. Uhh...that was not an escape. It threw J and I both into thought. Man, that movie was like a novel. It was rich in story. It made you really think about what is truly important in being a parent. What about the type of person you are. What about how you provide for your child? What makes a "good" person/father. We've been talking about it ever since. It's fascinating. (At least for those who love film.) I recommend it.
Then there's the 20 year reunion. Ugh. How am I going to do that? You walk in, smile, pretend to feel interesting when you don't really feel interesting. You laugh at things that probably aren't funny to you. You want to be nice to people. You want them to like you. You want them to think you look good. You want them to think you've done something right. In this case, I suppose I will parade my hot husband and damn cute girls and let them just represent me. I will try to be funny...when I just want to sit down and talk deeply with people. I wanted to do that in HS, too--but no one wants to get deep at reunions. I HATE small talk. I can't stand the chit chat shit. And when I want to be me...I'll have to pull one of my close friends aside and talk--and then it will look as if I'm no social enough.
BLEH.
Then there's the Kansas trip. One I always look forward to--but it also wears me out to think about it as well. I go back and try to connect again with the people I love for a short amount of time. It's exhausting. My friends are now mothers. We have children racing around. Our friendship grew in a time of quiet and self evaluation. Now, we have no time to really talk. I'm all about connecting and feeling connected. It's just tough right now. I want to feel as if we're in some time of life long class. It's ups and downs. The tests, the pop quizzes of shit just thrown at you. I want to check in with them. "How is it going for you?" "Are you figuring it out?" "Have you figured out how to get an A in here?"
I like to explore. But it makes me tired. So, I retreat into anything that I can. Movies are a big one. This past weekend we went to see A Place Beyond the Pines. Uhh...that was not an escape. It threw J and I both into thought. Man, that movie was like a novel. It was rich in story. It made you really think about what is truly important in being a parent. What about the type of person you are. What about how you provide for your child? What makes a "good" person/father. We've been talking about it ever since. It's fascinating. (At least for those who love film.) I recommend it.
Then there's the 20 year reunion. Ugh. How am I going to do that? You walk in, smile, pretend to feel interesting when you don't really feel interesting. You laugh at things that probably aren't funny to you. You want to be nice to people. You want them to like you. You want them to think you look good. You want them to think you've done something right. In this case, I suppose I will parade my hot husband and damn cute girls and let them just represent me. I will try to be funny...when I just want to sit down and talk deeply with people. I wanted to do that in HS, too--but no one wants to get deep at reunions. I HATE small talk. I can't stand the chit chat shit. And when I want to be me...I'll have to pull one of my close friends aside and talk--and then it will look as if I'm no social enough.
BLEH.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Not a teenage dream. At all.
So, one of the reasons I'm headed back to KS in May is for my 20 year class reunion. I've been to all of the other ones and it is...an interesting experience. I love seeing my girlfriends, but I struggle being back in SJ at times. Even though I loved my HS years, I wasn't completely comfortable in my own skin. Whenever I go back, those feelings come back. I find myself hiding out at my parents house and keeping away from people in the TINY grocery store.
In Jr. High--7th grade year, to be exact, I was bullied. I had not a single friend. I spent as much time in my mom's classroom (she was a teacher in my HS) and hated the free period after lunch. It wasn't a cool time. I still have nightmares about it. Isn't that odd? I'm 38! Anyway, at the end of that year, I was befriended by someone on the "in crowd" and slowly, but surely, became friends with the rest. It was a strange time. I fear that I fell into bullying myself the next year to protect myself from being on the bottom again. Honestly, I can't remember. My friend, Toni and I were fighting because she was mean to me for a while...then I'm sure I was mean back--but we finally made amends (thank god) and were besties all through HS. I did notice that after her time of being at the "bottom"--she was never the same. She was guarded and although we were good friends, it was a noticeable difference. There was something that was just missing. People were mean and cruel to her...and it affected her. She had a harder exterior. She was distant. She was more independent. It affected me, too. I went the opposite direction--becoming pretty dependent on my friends. My ups and downs depended on their ups and downs. Even now, my dreams consist of my friends suddenly not liking me anymore and I don't know what to do to change their minds. whacko.
I'm recounting all of this because I started reaching out to people I thought were in my class senior year...to see if they were coming to the reunion. We're inviting ANYONE who has EVER been in our class from Kindergarten on...we are tiny, tiny class (23) and wanted more people to show up. One of the girls informed me that she transferred schools due to bullying. Uhh...I had no idea. My head was obviously up my ass. She said she wasn't sure if she wanted to confront all of that, yet. UGH. How many other people had shitty times in HS and I just didn't notice? I was so into my friends and my boyfriend that I just didn't take time to pay attention. It is a sucky feeling. I understand where she is coming from. The people that bullied me...I still have grudges against. Even though I had a good group of friends--I was bullied by a select few until I graduated. I feel like if I ever saw them in St. John, they'd probably treat me the same. (I'm sure they wouldn't, but I feel that way.)
Some of my friends back then were bullies, too. Not the girls so much, but the boys. A few in particular, who were very nice to me...were absolute shits to other people. Some of this I just found out in the past year. I think I remember them being assholes...but I don't remember saying anything. I wish I had. My character was lacking.
I hate that reality.
So, I've been reaching out and trying to be as kind to everyone as possible. There is really only about 1 that I struggle being nice to--because he is STILL an asshole....but I will try. The guys in my class are mostly "good ol' boys"--there's not a ton of depth there. They were raised strict in religion and their parents were bullies, too. Bullies are everywhere. It's shocking to me...to be a parent and be a bully. ??? Uhh...did you not learn anything by having a child? Ridiculous and sad.
Still, I'm going to go in--feel insecure and nerdy--but be nice, smile and try to prove to myself that I've really grown up and that HS was a LONG time ago.
In Jr. High--7th grade year, to be exact, I was bullied. I had not a single friend. I spent as much time in my mom's classroom (she was a teacher in my HS) and hated the free period after lunch. It wasn't a cool time. I still have nightmares about it. Isn't that odd? I'm 38! Anyway, at the end of that year, I was befriended by someone on the "in crowd" and slowly, but surely, became friends with the rest. It was a strange time. I fear that I fell into bullying myself the next year to protect myself from being on the bottom again. Honestly, I can't remember. My friend, Toni and I were fighting because she was mean to me for a while...then I'm sure I was mean back--but we finally made amends (thank god) and were besties all through HS. I did notice that after her time of being at the "bottom"--she was never the same. She was guarded and although we were good friends, it was a noticeable difference. There was something that was just missing. People were mean and cruel to her...and it affected her. She had a harder exterior. She was distant. She was more independent. It affected me, too. I went the opposite direction--becoming pretty dependent on my friends. My ups and downs depended on their ups and downs. Even now, my dreams consist of my friends suddenly not liking me anymore and I don't know what to do to change their minds. whacko.
I'm recounting all of this because I started reaching out to people I thought were in my class senior year...to see if they were coming to the reunion. We're inviting ANYONE who has EVER been in our class from Kindergarten on...we are tiny, tiny class (23) and wanted more people to show up. One of the girls informed me that she transferred schools due to bullying. Uhh...I had no idea. My head was obviously up my ass. She said she wasn't sure if she wanted to confront all of that, yet. UGH. How many other people had shitty times in HS and I just didn't notice? I was so into my friends and my boyfriend that I just didn't take time to pay attention. It is a sucky feeling. I understand where she is coming from. The people that bullied me...I still have grudges against. Even though I had a good group of friends--I was bullied by a select few until I graduated. I feel like if I ever saw them in St. John, they'd probably treat me the same. (I'm sure they wouldn't, but I feel that way.)
Some of my friends back then were bullies, too. Not the girls so much, but the boys. A few in particular, who were very nice to me...were absolute shits to other people. Some of this I just found out in the past year. I think I remember them being assholes...but I don't remember saying anything. I wish I had. My character was lacking.
I hate that reality.
So, I've been reaching out and trying to be as kind to everyone as possible. There is really only about 1 that I struggle being nice to--because he is STILL an asshole....but I will try. The guys in my class are mostly "good ol' boys"--there's not a ton of depth there. They were raised strict in religion and their parents were bullies, too. Bullies are everywhere. It's shocking to me...to be a parent and be a bully. ??? Uhh...did you not learn anything by having a child? Ridiculous and sad.
Still, I'm going to go in--feel insecure and nerdy--but be nice, smile and try to prove to myself that I've really grown up and that HS was a LONG time ago.
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