History lesson

It's all one way in your head...and then reality hits. I hate that. After all of these years, you'd think we'd all have a pretty good idea of what our expectations should be, right? Call me an optimist-I guess. HA, or that I just love a good let down.This is vague, but it is easier to relate to that way.

Aside from learning about what not to do, history has other lessons. What works, what doesn't. I guess I use it more as a crutch...missing people and a certain time of life. I lean on it when I need to feel a particular emotion. However, I always seem to forget the past when I'm surprised by the present. I forget to ask the question, "is there a history of this?" Most likely, the answer is yes. More than not, I try to remember the good history I have with people and the negative history I have with myself. That's not good for the soul. Jason is always reminding me of good lessons I've learned. He finds the good in my bad memories. It is true. I have learned a lot from bad experiences. But, I've learned from good ones as well. I do feel my some of my experiences will help Z in her quest to find what works for her in the world and what hurts. I am constantly surprised by people and their actions. We can't all have our best day every day. I roll my eyes more and shake my head a lot. (As if I'm above all of that...whatever.) My own history of bad decisions and ridiculous drama makes it almost unbearable to me now. It causes me to retract. It causes me to rethink. It just makes me nuts. Jason repels drama as well, but always has. I think this was probably the number one reason for my drama reform. It's destructive. His sense of calm and rational pulled me in...and I wanted to feel that way. However, yes, it was a show-in a way. He has his own drama. He's very calm in the presence of others. He saves his craziness for the one he loves and trusts with himself. But...he's not dramatic for dramatic sake--there's the difference.

Feeling like the most boring girl in the world, I used to be attracted to highly dramatic and narcissistic personalities. (The examples could fill a book.) Now, when I hear it on the phone or in an email, it makes me happy I live so far away from most everyone. That sounds really shitty. What I mean is...I get pulled into that frame of mind so easily that I could slip back into being a person I can't stand. Moving to New York was a way for me to reinvent myself and get away from the idea I thought everyone had of me. Chicago was a place where my crazy came out in high fashion. It was just a dark time. A time that I grew from and met some lifelong friends...and my husband...but a time that I'm not too proud of personally. I feel calmer here. I think more. I can sit back and watch more. I take in more nature...and as pukey as that sounds, I learn a lot more from watching nature than I do people. The quiet helps me. I am such a follower and have been my entire life that I literally had to take myself away from people to follow. Sounds ridiculous. I get addicted to people and particular personalities. Keeping some at a distance makes me a better friend and person. My mom used to tell me that I'd throw someone overboard just so I could save them. Not good.

I can't wait for 40. It's my magical age. It's the age when I'll be who I always wanted to be. Well...maybe I should give it until 50.