You can't always get what you want.

During my parents' visit here, I learned how to make chocolate and coconut cream pie. I received my grandma's recipe for meringue and will cherish it. I want to be able to create memories for Z of baking and having yummy desserts. I remember going to my grandma's house and it smelling of pies. My grandparents were big on sweets and I'm helping to pass that tradition right along. We also made homemade ice cream. Delish. Smelling pies takes me back to being with my grandparents...happy memories. It's amazing how the senses cause us to go back in time. I love it. I feel like Z won't have to rely so much on her memory because we have so many pictures and videos for her to watch of the events of her life. My childhood would be so fascinating for me to see. As it is...I have a good memory thus far. Watching my parents age is upsetting. I feel like I want a direct line into my father's head to know what he is thinking and to see his memories. At times, I watched him and ached a bit knowing that he wouldn't always be here. I want to ask him a ton of questions...but he's not much for really serious conversations about his life. He reflected about working at his father's store and about walking to school after checking in the bread guys. He said he learned his multiplication from his work at the store by filling out check in sheets for the food that came in. I could sit and listen to him talk for hours. I don't see him often. He goes to Mexico for half of the year and will be traveling around the US next summer. I imagine I'll see him in two summers. Z will be almost 4. That makes me sad. No, she won't have the grandpa memories that I have--at least not on my side. But, I am all for retired people doing what they want to do before they get too old to go. They raised their kids...they should have time for themselves. It's hard for me, but I have to think about what that time in my own life will be like. I don't doubt that my father loves me...but I know he's not BIG on little ones. He's always been more interested in adults...and in fishing. Our relationship is a good one. I'm working so hard on accepting people for who they are, not how I want them to be. Some can only give so much. I'll take it and try to be the best person I can be. It's so hard not to feel cheated by time or by personal differences. There are so many hard life lessons. When it becomes too much for me to think about...I focus on Jason and Zoë. They are my family. These times will be rich and the memories, richer.