shock and awe

It's been awhile. I'm disorganized and feeling disconnected. I'm exhausted. I'm thankful. I'm full of anxiety. How are you?

While Z is sleeping this morning, I'm trying to get done all the things I've been neglecting. She had a scary run in with a skeleton and is still traumatized, so I'm quickly taking down the Halloween decorations and trying to make it look like Thanksgiving. Let's move on from the ghouls and into giving.

This morning I was thinking how hard it is to tread through life. Yes, it's beautiful, it can be wonderful, it can be full of laughter and friendship and love--but when a tragedy rocks you to your core, it's just damn hard to get through. I try to go next door each day, even just for a min, just to see how everyone is--see how their faces look, see how Melissa is feeling and it's difficult to figure out how to be...what to share...what to do. I look for a certain smile or a glimmer...but it's not there yet. I somehow want to see a face I saw before Bill died. I want to feel the way I did before. I want her to feel the way she did...but it's just not the way it is...or will be. But, when I walk in, for a moment, everyone smiles, everyone greets me and everyone asks how I am. They are comfortable enough to share their misery with me...but, they are unselfish enough to ask about me. These are such great lessons for me to learn and to share with Z on the way to gracefully move through grief. Some find the dark and can't get out of it enough to still participate in life. They become black holes of their former selves and unfortunately, the life lost of their loved one isn't the only death. Having the group at Melissa's still able to laugh and really care about others is a testament to Bill, Lynn and the entire family. Good people. Damn it for happening.

Dustin left yesterday afternoon. Z was all out of sorts about it. She enjoyed him. I do, too. We spent our days talking, walking, laughing and trying to do as many Fall activities as we could. I baked for him and cooked for him and listened to him about his life. I wanted him to feel as much at home as possible--I know he currently doesn't have that outlet. I think there are times when we do feel lost and alienated from our families...or our friends. Either we do it ourselves or we are misunderstood and let down. Families are suppose to love unconditionally--and sometimes we just don't do it well. It sucks. But, creating family wherever I can is important to me. My friends are a part of my family and always have been. Dustin is Uncle Dustin...and Z has MANY Aunties. I want her to understand that blood doesn't make family--love does.

Well, on to my chores. I promise lighter posts in the future...but for now, learning from others is in the focus.