Too much theraputic crap for a Friday

All my life I've always struggled with wanting to be someone else. Someone cooler, someone who made people really laugh, someone who was quick witted, someone prettier, someone smarter... I think Jr. High fucked me up. One year of total self doubt and without a friend in the world puts a little anxiety chip into your head forever that you might not be good enough. (I realize that most get over this feeling...) As I constantly think about how to help someone or how to be better for someone...it occurs to me that all I can do is be okay with what I put out into the world. I am always annoyed with people who accept their fate of personality. "This is who I am, I'm not changing." "I've never been that way, I can't be that way." I speak from a place of knowing that you can change. Maybe not at the core...but at least you can change habits, you can learn. I was a slob, I'm not now. I was lazy...I'm (not as much) now. I was a victim, I'm not now. There are times when laying down for a while--feeling beaten by life...is okay. Take the beating...relish it...but then get back up. Some seem to take punches and then immediately push forward. I have friends that are tough as nails. They are warriors. They don't let self pity get in the way of their life. I've always watched them in awe. Where does that come from?? Even if they had the shittiest childhood...they are just strong and wise and resilient as hell. I laid down for years. It makes me feel ill to know how many years I wasted on self pity, self doubt and feeling defeated. Gross. But, I'm learning every day. I keep meeting people who are just so present in life. They feel what they need to feel. They say what they need to say. They are just doing what they need to do. They aren't wondering how else to do it--each person is so different. I'm an observer. I've never been a leader, I've said that many times. I feel as if I'm suppose to understand something more than just the average person. I am very aware of what I want to learn from others. I am constantly trying to grow and be different--better. My 7th grade self is never too far away.

Yesterday I felt like shit. Z came in and wanted to watch the video where she danced to a band in the mall when we went trick or treating. She kept saying it..."Watch Zoë dance!!!" I thought, exactly...we should just dance it out. I put on some music and she danced and hopped and laughed. I did, too. I literally have to shake myself out of it sometimes. The sun is shining today...as I felt it would.