it will get easier.

The new year finds many lonely. Some relish the new start. Some dread another year of feeling the way they do. It can be horribly daunting. I've been there. I don't feel that way anymore, but the scars are still there. I can remember the feeling of spending my days trying to think of anything happy. I couldn't. I was in a downward spiral. I hated myself. I hated the fact that everyone seemed to move through life with such ease. I felt deeper, more connected to the earth. I felt as if I saw a different world than everyone else...and everyone else was shallow and ignorant. However, after literally years of feeling this way, trying to remedy myself with new lovers, new friends, new cities and new jobs--I realized that I had to do something else. I'm addicted to change. Always have been. I love to see new places, buy new clothes, color my hair, change my style, rearrange furniture, try new recipes...there is something that calms me about it. Or, it's because I'm not dealing with what's really going on inside and I want to see change somewhere...anywhere. When people told me that happiness was a choice, I became angry. I didn't see the choice. When you are so depressed and everything is dark, there is no choice. All roads point nowhere. No one will understand. I know. However...there may come a day when wearing the heavy cloak weighing down every move gets to be too much. I didn't want to feel that way. I'd been a victim for so long. I started to see people looking at me differently. The fun was elsewhere. I'd rejected the invitations so long, they stopped coming. I stopped living well. (Because you can live...but it's not really living.) I stopped being a good friend. I stopped being a good person, really. And, there was no "reason" for me to be this way. At least, I felt that way. Yes, I'd lost friends to death and to life, but I didn't have a husband die, I didn't lose a child, I had my health. I know I have friends going through horribly tough times and seeing the new year as HAPPY isn't an option right now. I can only hope your inner light slowly starts to burn brighter--even when the weather continues to grow colder. Because I've gone through such turmoil, I sometimes feel responsible for leading people to the light. I know that it doesn't work. I know Melissa has lonely nights...that she sits by herself in her house missing Bill and Lynn and everything seems pointless. I read her FB posts the next morning and feel awful for not going over. I feel guilty and that somehow it's my fault. Recovering depressants can take on ALL types of guilt and sadness---it's like alcohol...we can seek it out and it pulls us in. I have to tell myself that it's okay. She is moving through stages and sometimes, she has to go through them alone. I pulled people into mine and when I moved out of that stage...the person reminded me of things I didn't want any part of. I associate people and places with my depression--hence my addiction to relocation. If you are suffering...know that it won't always feel this way. If you know someone who is suffering...you can only do so much. These winter days are gloomy and so hard. But know...the sun and warmth is coming. It may never feel as warm or seem as bright, but they will return and you will too.

Hang on.
Go for a walk. (this was really something I struggled to do, but it seemed always help.)
Listen to happy music.
Dance around. (some of this sounds so damn trite, but you literally have to pull yourself out of things)
Write. Just purge...it helps.
Limit the crying. Allowing for 10 minutes and then move on. I cried so hard for so long that now when I shed one single tear, I'm exhausted for the rest of the day. I literally ruined the release.
Take a shower, put make up on, get out of your pajamas.
Clean.
Go to the movies. Anything to get out of the house for a bit.
Hell, shop if you need to...just don't go overboard.
Exercise. (this one really pissed me off if anyone mentioned, but again, it helped.)
Find books to read. "Journal of a Solitude" by May Sarton saved my life. I highlighted, underlined and felt so much better knowing I wasn't alone in my feelings. I can't recommend this book enough.

Here's a quote from May that really helped me.

 “Does anything in nature despair except man? An animal with a foot caught in a trap does not seem to despair. It is too busy trying to survive. It is a ll closed in, to a kind of still, intense waiting. Is this a key? Keep busy with survival. Imitate the trees. Learn to lose in order to recover, and remember that nothing stays the same for long, not even pain, psychic pain. Sit it out. Let it all pass. Let it go. ”
― May Sarton, Journal of a Solitude