missing ingredients

I want to be one of those people that I like to be around. I enjoy upbeat, sunshiny people. People I know who struggle, yet seem to be so resilient. I have many ups and downs during the day. And maybe I have too much time on my  hands to think about it, yes. However, the feelings are here and I have times where I feel too vulnerable and want to find a safe place to hide. As a grown woman, I find this disheartening. I want to be a warrior women, not a victim. Z doesn't see it, but I feel it. It could be that I naturally struggle with my emotions--passed down to me from many women in my family who struggle emotionally. I fight against it. I write about it, I clean, I organize, I sing, I dance, I go to the gym, I think of how Z needs me to be, I bake.  Sometimes I bask in the sun like a cat. I try to absorb as much Vit D as I possibly can. I am plagued by daily bouts of doubt and concern. I worry about offending people or of not being what I need to be for them. My mother would say that a job outside the home would do me some good. That thought only seems to aggravate me. Why am I not wired the way I want to be? Why do I not control how I am? So, like most days, I come up with a game plan--or create a list of things to complete in order to feel productive. "If it looks right, it will all be all right." (this is such bullshit)

At this time, I don't want to take medicine in order to feel better. I've done that. It didn't work with my life.  At this time, I'll going to just purge here (lucky you) and hope it's enough to bleed out the negativity of the day. I want to feel strong and creative and weightless.

My need to surround myself with strong women seems to work like grasping at floatation devices. I hope to float on my own one day soon. I do more days than I used to. It will come.