Crazy Lucky

As I cleaned up the kitchen this morning, I could hear the Today Show discussing all of the medication in Whitney Houston's hotel room. Whether she took all of them, we'll see. But what struck me was that I'd been on all of them--at the same time--and more. All during my 20s I was on medication for anxiety/depression. But, when I was 27-30 I was on the most I'd ever been on. It was a cocktail of medications that my "doctor" kept prescribing. I think I took 5 different meds and about 7 pills at one time. Their effects were life altering. I had no short term memory--(this lead to me getting being softly let go from a job), I would fall asleep mentally before I'd actually be asleep physically--(this lead to many conversations and such that I did not remember the next day) and I could hear things that no one else heard. I could hear music being played. No one else heard it. I could see sleet falling outside. No one else could see it. I was put on lithium for a time--a time where I threw up as much as I did when I was on Paxil years before. I drank at times while on these medications. I was irresponsible and out of my mind. I have complete losses of memory. I could look at one of my closest friends and couldn't tell you their name. It was an awful time. And...I was lucky. I could easily have been Heath Ledger or Whitney Houston. I could have overdosed many times--mostly because I couldn't remember if I'd taken my pills or not. It's easy to be confused. It's natural to trust your doctors. You feel as if nothing is going to hurt you...the medicine was prescribed to you, after all.

It's very easy for me to relate to what happened to Whitney. I had times of acting crazy...where I weighed next to nothing, when I treated people poorly--those I loved. I was a mess. I didn't see it. I loved being thin. I loved popping whatever in order to feel a certain way. I loved the escape of sleep and of feeling completely numb. I leaned on friends for money and for comfort. I treated men terribly, especially one. I was lucky I made it out alive. I think my saving grace was that I didn't drink heavily.

So many are not as lucky. It's shocking how easily we self destruct...and are aided by doctors to do so.

I finally quit all of it when I realized I wanted to be with Jason. I wanted to have a baby. I saw a future with someone who loved me for me. I knew I couldn't be so damaged...or I didn't want to be anymore.