i wonder as i wander

I just got done watching Wonder Boys. There are a handful of movies that make me feel...at home somehow. I'm not sure I believe in past lives, but there is something that happens when I connect to a certain story, character or maybe it's the geography in a movie. I'm not sure. I suppose most of them revolve around literature. Each of them are based at a University. Weird. I tried my hand at playwriting. I'm not sure if that's for me or not. I still think I could come up with something--due to my love of conversation. I've never focused on career. I've focused on relationships with people. I love when I'm sitting around with people and think, "this is what life is about...conversations like this." I feel as if I'm still collecting information. Suddenly, a story will come to me and I'll be able to write it. Who knows what form that will be. My life has been about collecting experiences. I'm not there yet. I've always looked forward to my older self. Youth has its advantages--mostly how you look. It's full of confusion and mistakes. I'm not to my most interesting self yet. The child bearing years, especially, create lull in creativity and productivity for me. It's about someone else. Creating a life for them--a base for them to grow.

I feel horribly unfinished today. I'm never one to enjoy the present. I think about the past and what it taught me and I wonder about the future. Life unfolds each day. Some days it's pretty damn bland. Other days I can see the adventure ahead. Wonder Boys creates the desire. I feel at home with these bizarre characters. I understand their weirdness. They love to create. They love to surround themselves with the same types of people.

I lose my way too easily. I put things off. I have ideas that I don't follow through on. It's a weakness in character. But, the good thing about being human is that you have the ability to change.