For the past month or so, I feel my days have had no shape or structure. It's starting to wear on me. I don't make firm plans for anything because I never know how I will be feeling. Hopefully I am nearing the end of being sick. I've also been disconnected from friends and myself. I was so worried about things not working out that I put a lot of distance between me and the baby. My shock of losing the last one made me completely disconnect from any ideas of having another and I spent a year questioning what to do. I am weak in that regard. (Well, in many) Now that I am nearing the 12th week, I'm feeling better about things and am trying to get back to normal. I've been in a fog. I've spent almost zero times with friends and have been pretty much housebound. To the unknowing eye--I was in a deep depression, maybe. No. But I do admit to switching to auto pilot and not playing an active role in my own life. My way of dealing with stress isn't healthy. I used to plunge into things, feeling so much I would drown. And as a drowning victim, I now sit out of the water and don't go near it. I've been slow to understand the healthy way. I have plenty of healthy examples around me--but I can't seem to do it. I lived in my feelings in the past. That is also paralyzing. I really need to figure this out.
Anyway, so I've decided to start getting back to the self I was a few months ago. I need structure again. I need to have some type of schedule. I need to get back to the gym. I need to start doing chores on a regular basis again. I need to make lists and cross things off--have some type of proven productivity. I need to start dressing for the day again instead of living in my night clothes. We've been living on take out and delivery for long enough. Jason hasn't complained. He just says it's hard to see me so sick and that he's never seen me go through anything like it before.
Most importantly, we need to start getting excited and prepared for the baby. We can't be scared to be close. We can't shy away from loving in fear of losing.
Yesterday, I was thinking about how I go about protecting myself emotionally. I made some comment about the roofer next door on FB and then I felt so bad about it--thinking it was disrespectful to Jason for me to act so silly about it. I protect myself a lot when it comes to marriage as well. I don't think Jason notices--or maybe he does. I make comments to girlfriends about things that I shouldn't. I think marriages go through many phases. I get scared during certain times. I feel lonely. He is busy working his job and getting his Master's degree. There isn't a lot of extra time just to sit and be together. Due to the relationship I had with my father growing up (a longer story, but it's okay now)--when I feel as if someone is closed off emotionally (or just very busy), I close up. I make jokes. I do anything I can to not feel rejected. I put up a wall. Another weakness to add to the list is to focus on my insecurities and fears and not take the time to see how the other is also suffering. Marriage can't be about seeing only your hurts. He is the one getting no sleep. Taking up the slack with Zoe when I am not feeling well. He works so hard all of the time. He needs just as much support. I admit, I need to work on that the most. I tend to take care of Z and myself--letting him slide thinking he'll be okay. We all need help and support and tenderness.
It is hard to be vulnerable. Well, for me. Sadly, childhood wounds are not healed. You'd think after so many years of therapy, they would be. But, no. It seems I have no control over the ways my psyche goes about self preservation. That is, if I don't acknowledge it. My inner child takes over. At 37, I have much to work on. I have so far to go. And this post seems to just be me missing my therapist. I haven't had the heart to get one here. I loved the one I had in Chicago. It might be time.
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