My name is Valerie and I am a co-dependent.

I've been on hiatus. Mostly from my mind--and it seems I still am. In preparation for my Kansas trip (I leave on Friday for ten days), it seems I've vacated all intellectual capabilities. I've also been sick...still. I made it to the second trimester with no relief. Some mornings I'm fine, only to be sick in the evenings. And some mornings I spend running to the bathroom or passed out on the couch.

Jason is out most of the week in Canada. Z and I are getting along okay. I get a little paranoid at night and barricade Z and I in my room--locking the doors and jumping at all sounds until I fall asleep. I blame my fondness of horror flicks for this one.

Kansas is always a strange mixture of excitement, love and awkwardness. When I'm around family, I seem to feel 15 again. When I'm in Lawrence, I convince myself that I should live there and feel sad that I don't. (I love it there.) When I'm around old friends, I feel pretty at ease and wonder why I live so far away. It will be nice to have Z with me. I'm so proud of her and she is so fun and darling. I want her to be around these people...and to have a fondness of Kansas as well. By the time I'm headed back I find myself deep in thought. I'm happy to live in New York now--but Kansas, Lawrence especially, pulls on my heart strings so much that I can barely take it.

I sought out a place for myself to have a family away from the pull of...well, anyone that ties me to the past. I made it here and I'm happy. I struggled to carve out a place for myself. If around my friends and family, I tend to lean into their lives and sort of forget about what I may want to do alone. I do well just escaping into other people's lives. I mold into whatever they are...because I like them so much. I am a co-dependent. Yes. That's really the gist of it. I struggle with it and always have. It's an addiction. Isn't that weird? I get addicted to people. Strong personalities, especially. Jason has the magical power of being stable, comfortable and somewhat detached. He has a hard time allowing himself to need people--even his family. I know he trusts and loves me--but he rarely shows his true self to anyone else. He's a loner. He makes it possible to create my own world for me and he doesn't invade. He's supportive of anything I want to do, but is never pushy. It's interesting who we find ourselves married to. Either you think, "Gosh, he is perfect for me" or "What was I thinking?" Of course, if we're honest--we say both things sometimes.

more ramblings at another time.