June Cleaver, I am not.

The sun is shining. Thank you. I'm listening to Winter Songs by Hotel Cafe (found on itunes). I love it. Z is playing behind me. Jason is out today. Z and I are going to decorate the tree in the sitting room today. We'll get a real tree for the kitchen/great room. (what pretentious names, yes? I use them to annoy.)
Last night I went to the library and got a couple of books I'm excited about. I'd never heard of this author before...I felt like I'd discovered gold. Her name is Joan Anderson. I got A Year by the Sea- Thoughts of an Unfinished Woman. The title screamed my name as I passed by it. The next is An Unfinished Marriage. It's the follow up, so, I had to get it as well. As I struggle with the stay at home part of my existence, I feel this book is appropriate. I am not made for this, though I love Z and I don't want her to be with anyone else during the day. I'm not pre school teachery. I'm not selfless enough. I'm not someone who would consider home schooling--too afraid of royally messing her up. I am the disciplinarian. I am the playmate. I am the one who bakes her cookies. I'm the one who decorates the house. I'm the one that sees her ups and downs and who journals about each day in order to feel literate. I try to read something each day. I try to write something each day. I try to focus a bit on myself, alone. Does that sound motherly to you?? I struggle with my own ups and downs and worry I'm not sunshiney enough for her at times. Yet, she is lovely. She is smart. She is sweet and funny and excels at everything she does. I would love to take all of the credit, but I do feel she was born with a little extra something. The mixture of Jason and me seems to work well for her chemistry.



The blue jays and cardinals look beautiful in the naked trees. I'm watching a woodpecker right now. He's hopping from limb to limb...trying to find something to eat, I'm guessing. I really hope I come back a bird. Something brightly colored. Something hopeful.