FU, SAD

Tonight is my playwriting class. It's the first night, so I'm a little anxious. The writing I've had in my head lately is less about the dialogue and more about the thoughts before the words. That's hard to portray in a play. I know basically what I want to write about. I don't know how much experience will be in the class--I have none. I wrote stories, when I did write. This will be totally different. It's good to exercise the muscle.

Today is a day where I feel as if I keep taking deep breaths--as if I'm about to dive into water. I seem to react to how my insides are feeling instead of creating my mood. I don't have a split personality, but I feel as if there are two parts of me. The inside workings and the physical reaction--but they are not connected. Sounds like a great reason to meditate. Maybe I do just need to sit silently for a bit.

I hope to meet new friends tonight. I'm hoping to feel inspired. I'm hoping to feel comfortable and at ease. I do put too much weight onto certain situations. I base a lot on how I feel. I look for like mindedness. I look for "feelers" and people who are not afraid to skip small talk. (Oh, how I hate small talk.) I am tired of feeling like I have to be amongst people where I obviously don't fit in. That is what school was for. You were forced to sit with these people. As an adult, you can choose. And, at 36 (almost 37), I just don't want to feel like I'm wasting my time with anyone who I can't see ever being close to.

When Z wakes up, I'll go the gym. We've gone every day this week. It helps to get my heart pumping. Seasonal Affective Disorder is real. The fight is on.