Everything is Illuminated

It's been a slow blogger week. I've been a little sluggish I suppose. I'm not having the most productive time or being much of a shining star mom-wise. The weather is beautiful. The trees are budding. I'm slowly coming out of my winter fog. Today is better. Not that I'm depressed--just not feeling up to par lately. The sun seems to be urging me to turn it around. "Stop being that way--I've come back to join you for two seasons and I expect you to be out and about." She's right--we need to feel the warmth and get to the parks, etc. I find, if I'm cloudy and not making much sense, nature seems to be the place to look. It always bounces back and finds a way to show beauty and progress. It is dependable. I feel like pitching a tent in the back yard and sleeping out with the stars and night noises. Doesn't that sound nice!?? First, we need to clear our yard of deer scat. It's nasty out there. I also need to clean out my car.

This time of year--when the warm starts to come back--always reminds me of growing up in SJ. Although it isn't a place I would live now, I did love growing up there for the most part. I am one who does a good job of adapting to environments and trying to find the best things in them. There were some real gems in St. John. Some fantastic people came out of there. The streets were safe. There were bullies, but the good people out numbered the bad. I got a job at 14 and found work there each year until I was 20 in the summers. I'm not sure employment is that possible  now. There were a handful of extremely cool, bright, think outside the box people. I did a good job of finding them. I have always been a bit of a follower, but I have always been pretty successful at deciding who to follow. (that's key!) I have very strong feelings of happiness there. I did my best to enjoy high school. Not knowing what else was out in the world helped. I lived in a snow globe. What I saw was pretty. I made due. That is the benefit of being in a small town--with good people. I hate to say that I'm not sure if SJ is full of as many good as it once was. It seems to have more bullies, more slugs,  more kids (and adults) with piss poor attitudes. There doesn't seem to be any school spirit. Cell phones and the internet have taken away the great opportunity for conversations that helped you grow and form. When I go back, no one is walking the streets like we did--enjoying the weather and just talking. No one is at the town square at night, like we were. No one is playing basketball at Brown Park. No one is playing tennis. No one is sitting on the front steps of their houses with friends. My niece goes to high school there and her experience is nothing like mine. It makes me sad. My hope is that college is a great experience for her. It was difficult for me. Though I still had the benefit of being surrounded by top notch people, I was a mental disaster. If I'd been surrounded by those who didn't love me, my life would be very different now.


All these thoughts just because I felt the sun on my face this morning. Nature binds our years together. Every season brings new memories and surfaces old ones. It makes me happy to remember and also tears me up to know that there are people I love dearly who aren't here anymore to enjoy it with me. I do believe they are here still--yep, I'm one of those people. I believe a memory comes about when their hand is on my shoulder. We are never alone. Those we love are all around us...and they are ok. They guide and they comfort us. They are in the budding trees and in the warm evenings...they are in the bird songs and chirping crickets. They are in everything that brings you  joy.

Here are two examples of cream of the crop SJ people. Jenny and Jeremy. We took this in the woods outside of Woodstock, NY this past weekend. I got lucky with them. Positive, happy, inspiring, open minded, funny and creative forces--as kids and as adults. that rocks. (you can click on the pic to make it bigger)