Tuesday, March 24, 2015

circle of friends...

Having a day that I don't feel like explaining. A day where your feelings are yours...and voicing them won't make sense. As if there aren't words that could ever explain it. There could be many reasons for this...

I'm still reeling over my long weekend with friends...the conversations, the tears, the laughter, the feelings of love.

My mom and sister just left...my mom after 6 weeks...my sister, after we finally had some time to ourselves over a course of days. (who knows when that will happen again.)

I'm just exhausted.

I have too many things I want to do and I can't put them in order...and I am overwhelmed by the thought of losing the inspiration to do them.

I am, once again, feeling like a sponge for other peoples' anxiety...taking on their mental dump they  just had over the phone. 

Here's the thing. Friends are important. Their influence in my life has been extraordinary. I look back at some of the times I've had and am amazed that I have the same friends since grade school. I'm a difficult person. It takes a lot of listening and squinting. (squinting and shaking of the head...maybe just inside)

But friendships evolve and change. And sadly, I now believe they have their seasons. A close friend in your 20s does not mean you will be close in your 40s. That pains me. I don't like to see people slip away. But, after a while, conversations become too difficult. Your thought patterns just don't jive. We all change. I've been lucky to have so many that I feel I can learn from. I know when they are guarded on the phone. I know when they are just off...and they can't talk about it. I don't think they know I know...and it seems awkward to mention it.

I'm changing a lot. Especially this year. My insides need cleaned out. Right now the dust is flying and all of the drawers are poured out--it's somewhat a mess. But...at least it's not pristine--with all of my demons hiding under the carpet or the bed...or in a locked drawer. It's hard to find friends that aren't phased by my mess--but I have them.

Just wish we could spend more time.