On Itunes, I normally go the 92nd street Y interviews. Today I chose one from 2006--Mommy Wars: Working vs. Staying Home, A panel discussion.
Ummm...very interesting. My brain runs around too much with this one. But at no point did I feel relieved or supported by my decision to stay home. Some of the things that are said are almost insulting. Some make me want to run away...some make me just want to sit and listen. I do struggle with it. I don't like it all of the time. I do get depressed...and might be more depressed than I am anything else. I have to take meds every day to get through it the way I want. Without them, I am horribly edgy and short tempered. I think there is something about not having my own money. This was a big discussion. My mom raised me to never be in the position I am now. I don't have my own bank account...I don't have cent that is mine. I feel as if I'm lesser because of it. I feel guilty if I need time away...employing a babysitter to do my job. My job...what is that exactly? "Take care of the girls." Grocery shop, shop for clothes, put away the clothes...I washed...clean their room along with every other room in the house. I pick up the house every single day...for hours I clean it up. Then everyone come in and destroys it and then I start over. Some days I am beat by 9. My husband looks at me, "you're going to bed now?" Yes, I'm exhausted. There is NO WAY that the thought, "but what did you do all day to make you THIS tired...I'm the one who had meetings all over and making presentations and preparing for this or that." Sometimes I feel that way, too. But, I do have days when I think...wow, I haven't even sat down today...except in the car. Because if I am sitting...and looking at something on the computer and he comes up, I feel like my boss just caught me not working. But then I remember, I'M MARRIED. And if I DID have a job outside the home...my suggestion of him helping me out with certain things wouldn't feel so bitchy...or pampered. "You're saying you don't like the life you have, there is something different that you'd rather do?" No...I love my girls, but the point was made that the most important thing you can do for your children is be happy. Later on, they won't have the guilt of keeping you away from a career path. Maybe they see other working mom's come home looking all dressed up and think that there mom wears jeans every day. My dad wore a suit every day and I was proud of it. Or maybe it was just that he was the judge...but I did like the suits. I feel as if I have a bad day...that everything jumps to the fact that I don't love what I do. Does anyone love what they do 100% of the time? Can't stay at home moms say, "this sucks" sometimes? I said it when I worked...
and then my mood can shift...because my insides flip hour to hour sometimes. Yay me. My husband just came up and discredited about every negative comment about stay at home moms with good points, so I feel better. I do feel judged by moms that work. I don't have any judgements about them whatsoever. ??
Anyway...go listen to that interview and please tell me what you think.