Saturday, May 17, 2014

Master Class--Warning--an emotional purge

I've been watching reruns of Oprah's Master Class series on OWN. It's really gets me thinking about so many things. I recently re-watched the two part episode of the one focusing on Oprah, herself. It's remarkable. Her life is so inspiring. But I think what I most appreciate is her attitude and view of life. She is an optimist. She can see the beauty of her own life. She appreciates her journey. Her beginnings were horrific. She knows pain that far exceeds my own. During college I wallowed in such things in my life that seem so small now. They were issues so many other people were having. My problems were so small, relatively speaking. It embarrasses me now. It shouldn't, but does.

Some people seem to be born with some type of inner strength. Maybe God put it there...maybe they developed it on their own-but I don't think so. When I see what some have overcome with such bravery, I am in such awe. It makes me feel as if they are made of different material than I am. I spend a lot of time wanting to be more. I always look at others and want to be like them. One of the things she said on the show was "the fact that you are...matters. You matter. The fact that everything came together in one single moment to create you--the fact that you are even here...proves you matter." (i'm paraphrasing) She also talks about the fact that one should quit looking to change. Stop wishing you could change. Stop looking to others to find how to be. You were created exactly the way you are for a reason.  Basically stop doing what I do most days of my life. I somehow lack a lot of self worth. I even hate THAT about myself. I am missing something. I've felt that all of my life. It's like God forgot to add an ingredient. Or have I not discovered it yet? Maybe it's a muscle that is completely unused.

I don't trust my own feelings. I don't have faith in my own ideas. I don't have an inner strength that others have. I have friends that do...and I am always wanting to be more like them. I want to be a different person for my children. I want to be someone they find comfort and safety in. My mother spent most of my childhood depressed. She locked herself away from the world a lot. She was sad and angry. She is reclusive. She is a good person. She is kind and very giving. She is so selfless in some ways...I think it hurts her. She doesn't live her own life...she helps everyone else live theirs. There is something about being selfish at the right times, that I feel is okay. I think it is okay to show your children that making hard choices in order to make yourself happy is okay. It might be hard for others to understand, but in the long run, you will be a better example of how to get through life in the best way.

I want to surround myself with positive, happy people. However, honestly, a lot of the people around me are hurt and angry. They struggle with obstacles in life. They have a hard time dealing with things that are outside themselves. What I mean is that they have a hard time learning from the outside world. They are so focused inward that they have a hard time relating to other people. They are easily frustrated unless things go the way they need them. They are not versatile. If you haven't figured it out, I am talking about one person in particular...but don't want to call them out. It's difficult to be around them at times. Other times, they are great. I'm not saying they are always miserable...or selfish. They are extremely giving...but I do feel that they do what they feel is expected of them. I feel that living a life of doing as you think others need--can store such a lifetime of resentment.

I lived in two extremely different households growing up. They couldn't be more different. I had to adapt. Children do what they have to survive emotionally. I feel like I changed my personality and how I acted constantly. I looked to others to know how to be. I didn't feel safe to just be who I was. My dad wasn't big on needed to act a certain way. You had to act like an adult really. He wanted you to have the insight of an adult...knowing how to act all of the time. He was irritated otherwise. My mom wasn't like that. However, she really wasn't around a lot. At least, that's my memory. I don't have a strong memory of any parent being really THERE. My grandparents were. They spent a lot of quality time with me. That's what a child remembers. Unconditional love. I try very hard to make sure my girls know I am here. That they are loved and adored. I know they will have strong memories of their parents. I think, for the most part, we are doing a good job.

I realize it's a filmed and edited program, but Oprah comes across so calm and so at peace with who she is as a person. She is confident and makes no apologies for who she is. She comes across so wise and as if she has some inside information on life itself. She has a stillness that I want. I feel like my insides are always jumbled. My mind constantly doubts my actions and words. It creates anxiety and makes me very unsettled. I hate to stir the pot. I hate to cause ripples. I do at times. I speak my mind and then spend weeks feeling sick about it. So sick that I am almost paralyzed. I lack confidence of being.

This could go on and on an's more like a purge. if you made it this far, wow.

If anyone has a book they recommend...please let me know. I need an Eat, Pray, Love wake up.

BTW--I use the term God...I also use "the universe"--God represents so's an all encompassing force that creates nature and the internal stuff inside of people (soul, I guess) that is unique in everyone. I will admit, it isn't a Christian God. It's not restricted to one type of person. It's just a term I use for the feeling I have inside and all that was created that I am in awe of.

Thursday, May 08, 2014

Crawling out from my rock.

So, it's been about 2 months. I've been cheating on you. I took a couple of writing classes and put my focus there, but now I'm back. Creative Journaling was fun. It focused more on creating writing from many different inspirations. Discovering your feelings by going in another door. I thought it was cool. I learned a lot. The other class was a class that focused on motherhood. We went out to a beautiful retreat in the woods for a day. There were only 4 of us. They were lovely women. I focused on writings about the girls mostly.

This blog is always in the back of my head..."you need to write." However, I never wanted to be a slave to it. I wanted to want to write.

I dipped a bit into a little bluesy feeling. I'm now newly medicated and feeling much better. In the past, the medications I was on made me feel drugged. I don't feel that way now. Just less anxious. Working out helps. I go about 5 times a week now. Trying to get in shape for Tough Mudder.  I started running. I HATE IT. It just sucks, honestly. I will never run for enjoyment. I can't even comprehend that. I am instantly tired. I thought I was in shape. Nope.

I feel like I need to take the blog in yet another direction. I feel like i've said that before. Instead of having pointless posts, I thought about writing ABOUT something. The creative journaling class opened up a new way to look at blogs. There will some daily thoughts, but also some writing that has more shape.

I'll put the idea in the subject and we'll see what happens.

But today is just catch up.