Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Ghosts

Today is one of those days when the sunlight hits the earth in a way that reminds me of being in Kansas. It takes me back to different times in my life--like a time machine. I feel feelings I had years ago, much like a song on the radio can inject feelings of first love or times in college. I love when it happens. It's true that I had some of my worst times in college, but I also had some of my best. I met friends that changed my life. Unfortunately, I am not in contact with all of them. In college, I was foolish with others' hearts and didn't understand how delicate friendships can be. I ruined 3 friendships due to my misunderstanding of how hurtful one-sided love can be. I was a shameless flirt and liked to see how far I could push people (men). I've learned so much since then...and now miss the friendships I ruined. I hear songs that remind me of certain people and it's just plain hurtful now. I can't even find these people on Facebook and wonder if they've blocked me. (paranoia)

I met great girlfriends there. I loved the huge campus and the ability to meet women that really shaped my life. I loved my time on the KU campus. It was my first time being on my own--there's really nothing in life like that. It makes you feel so incredibly alive!! Even the painful times were great learning experiences. I wish many things. I wish I'd been more serious about school. I always struggled with that. I put all of my thoughts and time into my social life--and my feelings about people. I was ignorant of the lasting effects of marginal grades. I'm officially the one in my family with the least amount of education. Everyone has their Masters or their JD. I would love to get a Masters but I screwed myself in college. My second semester of my freshman year landed me a 1.9 GPA. Unreal. It basically screwed me for the next 4 years. It's possible for me to still get my Masters but I'll have to retake classes. I'm going to have to bite the bullet and get it done someday.

My mind is all over today. If I stay at home until Zoë is 6...that's 6 years of time when I could be improving myself! We'll see how it goes. Raising a child well is quite the job in itself. I'm looking forward to it. It's a daunting task--and I have freak outs about it. I worry that I will want to shield her too much. I don't want her to be naive...but I don't want her to have the worries I had either. What a paranoid little person I was...such a worry wart!! I would love her to be a balanced teen and young adult instead of how I was--full of anxiety and very self obsessed. Not a good mix.

At least one lesson she can learn from me is that it is possible to make mistakes, hurt people and go through a "dark period" and still find happiness. There is someone out there who will love you...and all of your baggage (or who might have some matching baggage)--and who will bring balance to your life. It is possible that it all can work out--but you have to take the necessary steps and not continue down the spiral. You do eventually have to take responsibility and make the choice to be happy--and not a victim. But wow...it's hard to do.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Monday rambling.

The weekend was somewhat productive. That's always good. Friday night we took it easy...so easy that I can't really remember what we did. I think we watched No Country For Old Men again. (We own it.) Saturday morning we had Infant/Toddler CPR class for 3 hours. It was a good refresher for me--Jason had never learned it before, so it was very useful! Lots of chores to do. Ugh. Jason raked leaves both days. I cleaned and started decorating the house for Christmas. I think he thinks I'm crazy--but he just lets me do it. In a few weeks when the time is right to decorate, I fear I won't have the energy or the movement.

We had a virtual shower on Saturday night. My friend Becky put it together. Lots of people sent cards with good wishes and advice...and recipes!! We got a lot of nice things. The girl is set up for clothes for a bit!! That's good.

The weather was great yesterday, but today...the cold has started to set in. I'm excited for the first snow--if our leaves are done. We have so many trees! The snow will put a nice new look on things. I got a Baby's First Christmas ornament--it's adorable. It has a mommy and daddy snowman holding a baby snowman with 2009 on her little cap. I need to remember if we have another baby to be just as good with the gifts of significance. I was #2 and my baby book isn't even half full whereas Wendy's is bursting at the seams! There is a lot of pressure (that I create) to make things so perfect for her. To make sure she is happy...and uncomplicated and secure. I even talked to Jason last night that we shouldn't burp in front of her. (Being pg has me burping a bit...really attractive) I don't want her to think, "uhh...Mommy's gross!" I also don't want anything stressful around her. (these are BIG wishes...and I see disappointment in my future.)

I need to write things down for her so I remember...things I want for her. I feel that time will get away from me and I will forget.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

If you listen closely, you'll hear me growl.

So I went to the doc yesterday because I've been having this breathing issue. I stop when I'm sleeping. They don't know what it is. I got an EKG, everything looked ok. It could be that I'm having panic attacks in my sleep. YIKES. I am very in tune with my anxiety and depression levels and I'm very low on both. I haven't felt down at all really. I feel overwhelmed, but that's normal. I feel uncomfortable...that normal. I am scared of the delivery...I think that's normal as well. My life is good. Husband is one I'd like to keep...so is the house and the cat...and my family--though that can get stressful--again, that's normal. So, what's the deal?? I have no idea and it's annoying. The doctor said she could give me an anti-anxiety...but I want to hold off first. If I felt it during the day that's be one thing. Hmmm. I have a month to go. Maybe all this will help. Then I can start sleeping on my belly again...not have to pee every 20 mins...can get out of these pg clothes!!...and not deal with a child in my belly who has the hiccups constantly. (poor thing)

I'm ready for the little hands and toes...ready to see someone who looks like Jason and Valerie. Ready to see her personality and to see Jason as a daddy. :) Very sweet. (really looking forward to that.) She will most likely be a daddy's girl. That's fine.

12 more days until I start working from home. CAN'T WAIT. People make me cranky and I feel guilty for being a cranky pregnant lady. I'm suppose to be glowing and smiling and sweet. Umm...not so much. I want to tell people who need headsets and more coffee and more envelopes and more office space and meetings in certain conference rooms to suck it.

REALLY sweet.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Still complaining--and still feeling guilty about it.

Well, I'm uncomfortable. :)

Baby is starting her descent. It's not the most comfortable feeling. In fact, it makes me feel as if my crotch is full of lead. Nice, eh?

Today I'm going to a doctor about a breathing issue I've had for years, but that is starting to really bother me. I seem to stop breathing at night. It sounds like sleep apnea, but I don't fit the mold for that. All I know is that I wake up struggling to breath and panic--then my throat starts to close (more panicking) and then I use the inhaler that I just got last week. It seems to work. I'm starting to get nervous about going to sleep! It can happen during naps or during the night. It's scary.

This Saturday Jason and I go to infant/toddler CPR. Next Saturday is the 8 hour birthing class. That should make Jason significantly more nervous than he's starting to be. He's been sick--so we're keeping our distance from each other. That sucks.

Last weekend his sisters threw me a baby shower in Cleveland. I will admit, I was hesitant about it--I'm not so much a shower girl. It was actually a really nice time! Jason and his dad came, so that helped. I also made him sit right next to me so not everyone was staring at me only. (I get stage fright!) Baby got lots of cute stuff!! The games were good (I'm not usually a fan of those either) and the food was yummo! It was very sweet of everyone. My family isn't so much into showers and such--so it was a nice change of pace.

She is REALLY moving around right now...it's such an odd feeling. Her little toes are pressing up against my ribs--cute toes, but more cute when they will be out!!

Totally unrelated side note about TV:
Some new shows are really working for me!! Flash Forward and The Good Wife. I'm really enjoying those shows!!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Autumn on Mountain Rd.













These are pictures from our backyard. Beautiful....


Growing up, Summer was always my favorite season because it meant no school and days at the pool. Now, although I don't like the cold...Fall is definitely my fave. I love Halloween, the colors, pumpkin patches, scarves and Thanksgiving. We got 3 pumpkins...a Jason, Valerie and Zoë pumpkin!! So cute. I should have a pic of that on here, too...let me add it. There. Now it's at the top. Cute, eh?!!
Thanksgiving will just be Jason and me--which we're used to. He wanted to travel to Cleveland...but I put my foot down. "Uhh...I'll be ready to pop...I'm not going to be 4 hours away from my doctor." He quickly agreed. Dustin was going to come in, but now he's coming after Zoë is here. (Yes, we picked her name--and yes, it has umlauts.) So, instead of making an insane dinner, I'm going to research where we can go to get some turkey. We'll still fix some things at home...Jason's fave cranberry recipe that we've made into our own tradition, etc. It will be somewhat lonely, but Christmas should make up for it. I believe my mom and clan will be here. Having a baby around always brings a crowd. I look forward to her arrival. Pregnancy has been...very educational and interesting. Some women LOVE to be pregnant...I've found, I'm not one of them. I can't wait to be a mother, but being slowed down so much by a belly and FATigue isn't as much fun. In my 20s, I would've relished the idea of having to slow down--I was lazy then. Now, it drives me NUTS! There are so many things I need to get done...the house is still not unpacked, etc...I am driven to tears of frustration. I need to relax about it all. I am 33 weeks this week...only 7 more to go!! An early arrival would be welcomed.





Thursday, October 22, 2009

Baby Blues

I don't have a good excuse for not writing--fatigue? being uncomfortable? fatigue?? Sorry...it's just that I find myself blanking my mind out. I don't want to think about anything and have been that way for a while. I feel the impending time of thinking/worrying about EVERYTHING and I'm trying to prepare for the madness. The house is great, not unpacked much...but I still come home and lay on the couch anyway. The nursery is finally painted--thanks to my sister!! YAY. I went with a Mary Poppins theme. I love Mary...she's very comforting to me. I grew up with the movie and I love the colors Disney used in the film--the whole movie looks as if it is a painting of blues and greens and pinks. London can be a magical place.

Today, I feel that my belly has grown 2 inches outward. It's heavy and tight...and I didn't sleep at all last night. So, today--with my boss being gone--it is WAY too slow and I'm daydreaming of relaxing on my bed. I'm trying to think of ways to escape. No one would even know I was gone! Or rather, they wouldn't care.

My energy is low and my creative juices are at an all time low. Boring blogs might be worse than no blogs at all. I'm sure I'll be hit by some insightful thoughts that I'll want to share...but for now...I'm marveling at this huge belly and how active this little girl is!! She seems to be sleeping right now of course--sure didn't sleep when I was trying to sleep. Who's team is she on??? If she came early, that would be a blessing. I want my body back and I want to meet her. We can't have very much fun with her in there...

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Wednesday is finding me a bit blank...

I've been a bad blogger. Time gets away from me. Settling into the new house has been fun, but very surreal. To walk around a house and know it's yours is an odd feeling. It's so big to us! The first night I didn't sleep well. I kept having visions of someone breaking in. Meryl love it...though she spends all night roaming and discovering new places to get into. She actually climbed a ladder into the loft. I keep wondering if she'd want a little friend...but I'll wait to see if the baby is allergic first.

We're getting the kitchen and office/den painted today. I can't wait to go home and see what it looks like. Jason has impressed me with his sense of color--it was his idea to accent a wall in the kitchen to a gorgeous blue color. He's all about color though, he can't stand white. Hopefully we like the colors...they were picked in a bit of a rush. We ended mixing some colors we felt were too "white"--so now I need to be creative as to how to use them. Man, paint is expensive!

I've become a boring home owner...I can't think of anything to write that would be interesting. I don't feel like ranting about "Birthers" at this point...or venting my frustrations about family--what's the point. I chalk a lot of my irritation up to the pregnancy.

Baby is doing well--I'm suppose to gain up to 11 lbs this month. I have about 80 days to go. I made it to the 3rd trimester...and am ready to meet her already. I have minor freak outs--thinking it's too much and I won't be able to do it...and that I'm scared of how my life is going to change forever. Then, I'll wake up and be ready to see her...and love her and I can't wait. It's odd. I signed J and I up for about 4 different classes at the hospital. Lots of information...he thrives on information. It will be good. We've been focusing on lots of other things and these classes will remind us that a baby is actually coming in December.

Fall has arrived. The trees are starting to get a bit painted, but we have a ways to go. I'm ready for glowing pumpkins and family coming around. I'm ready to decorate the house for each holiday!

I'm also ready for a nap. I will blame my insane lack of creativity on fatigue.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

passive aggressive.

A bit of a tangent, sorry. The frustrations of life get to me once in a while--and I'm frustrated. Frustrated with the country and it's pessimism...frustrated with (and in love with) my belly and how it keeps me from getting things done that I NEED TO GET DONE! Frustrated with being constantly worried about family and if people are upset or how they are feeling. We moved out here to get a new start...and to see new things...and for some reason, it has alienated us. We must seem as if we didn't want to be around family--no, although they do stress us out. Frustrated with the God struggle...the religion struggle...the judgemental shit. SO MANY things turn me off, I can't help it. I married someone who I can identify with...and who shares my ways of thinking--WOW that helps! We question the same things, we believe int he same things and we struggle with similar things. We show our struggles differently--that's hard. We are both manic in different ways--that's hard, too. I so want to fight his battles for him. He wants to walk away from them. He's a peace keeper. I'm the "let's DEAL with this!!" But, this is just another way of saying a lot without really saying anything. Damn.

more bitching later...because i'm in that stage right now. bitchy pregnant lady. happy to be pregnant, but man...REALLY raw emotionally!!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Joe Wilson took Project Runway off of Bravo! I'm convinced.

I guess I unintentionally took time off from this. Didn't mean to...just got busy. Got the house...I love it! Also getting bigger--not liking that as much. I like the fact that she is growing and healthy, I don't like the fact that my nights are now spent tossing and turning and popping TUMS.

We have the house, but are not in it yet. We are slowly moving our lives over. It's a new beginning. I'm excited to have our home. I'm excited for us to have our little family. We are a rare breed of couple that agree on practically everything when it comes to decorating and how we want our house to look. I won't say that I have good taste...I will say that his taste matches mine and it seems to be good--or it's at least a good vision. We've also decided on a name for the girl. I'm happy about that, too! It's fun to call her by name. It's nice to have our little corner of the planet. It's beautiful here. It's peaceful. It's quiet, it's balanced and calm...and we are happy. These are all things I've searched for my entire life--esp in my 20s. I quiver at my 20s and the hell I put myself through...and those who dared to love me during that time. I wish I could send out either "thank you" or "I'm sorry" postcards to certain people. I just have to hope they will think of me partially fondly.

(I need to forgive myself for that time period...I talk about it too much.)

The most interesting people to me are those that struggled and rose from it all! I have a bit to go, but I feel much better about it all. Jason is a good reflection of my life. I like him. We have a good understanding of the other's life. We have similar backgrounds...and we have patience with things when the other does not.

I'm just rambling here. If I didn't write about this, I'm afraid I would've gone off about the political views flying in my office today that I'm completely annoyed with...and that would be such a negative blog.

In the meantime, this link is pretty funny!!
http://joewilsonisyourpreexistingcondition.com/

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Too much

Had a great weekend in Atlanta! Macca was awesome--of course. He played for 3 hours...including 2 encores. At one point, it just poured on all 40,000 fans...and no one was phased. Everyone just sang and swayed along. Very cool. It was the perfect girl weekend...good food, great convos and great shopping! My belly got hot though..ended up with a heat rash. Atlanta is just a bit hotter than Rochester. Man, did that look unattractive!!

After the concert, there was such a feeling of being a part of something big. Everyone poured out of the park onto the streets--they don't have parking in or nearby. The streets were bulging with people on both sides for probably miles. They flooded the train station, so we ended up walking and eventually catching a very empty and welcomed bus. I was exhausted and my feet were starting to ache. The alternative of waiting for probably hours at a train station, so I did not complain.

I have much on my mind today, but it's almost too much effort to write it all out. Let's just say the lessons I can pass on to my daughter seem to be piling up lately. I need to start a little book.

This is too vague...maybe I'll have the energy to expand tomorrow.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Our first Noel...

I'm listening to Christmas music...streaming it at work to calm my nerves. Not that I'm upset, just need that extra bit of happiness to make it until 5pm. It's been slow and slow days make LONG DAYS. I've been a bit blue...but not sure why. I think I'm dreading Jason's trip. If he were going to be in the US, that'd be one thing, but SO FAR AWAY...ugh. I'll enjoy my time with friends, but will worry about him getting back. (I'm obsessing about this, aren't I.)

Christmas music gives me a false sense of security. I'll take it.

I hope I'm able to provide little Vidmar with memories that will take her through life. Hopefully she'll have many she can tap into when she needs to. I fully intend on making the holidays a big deal for her. I'd love for her to be surrounded by family and friends. I keep daydreaming about my house. That might be materialistic...but really...just thinking of the times we will create there. The feeling she'll have when she returns from college or with her own children. (Granted, we might not have the same house, but who knows.) That's another thing...people switch houses a lot now. My mom and dad have had their houses forever...and I have memories growing up there. It would be a different feeling if we didn't have those ties. Life is changing for our generation though. We all have to move to find jobs, etc...staying in one house for 40 years isn't as possible as it used to be. Maybe this is why we should focus on traditional meals--if the food is there...maybe the feeling will follow.

I'm rambling.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I'm so TIRED!!!

Why does my body react so horribly to sugar now?? I love Starbursts...but about 15-20 minutes after having some, I just want to die. I could go to bed for the night. It's annoying. At this point, I have about an hour and a half of time after work where I am worth something....after that--Jason has to do everything on his own. I'm bushed. He works late and then wants to eat--I'm too tired. I have to eat immediately after work and then start my wind down. WHERE IS THE 2ND TRIMESTER ENERGY BOOST YOU LIARS!!! And...I puked this morning...so violently I was exhausted all morning and crashed at lunch.

I'm worthless.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Mommy Dearest

The weekend was a nice one. I spent Saturday in Boston, NY with Lisa and her family. Her two little girls were with her. It's surreal to see her with her kids, knowing I have one coming. Seeing your girlfriends become mothers...girls you spent so much time with just being girls. All the history you have with someone. I'd seen my friend Erica earlier in the week and it was the same experience. I still see the girl I knew and they are some one's mom!

Speaking of being a mom--I keep having mini freak outs about it. I worry that I'll be too stern...that I won't remember what it was like to be a kid. Actually, my problem would be that I would remember too much and be overly concerned about what she does. (I know what I did) Jason was such a good boy...I can see him being more relaxed. I'm very aware of my past mistakes and annoyances--I don't want her to go through the messes I did. I was slow to mature...slow to realize how to take care of things...or how to be truly a good friend. I learned so much from the women who are now mothers...fitting.

I'm working on being more calm, not letting little things set me off. I've become so uptight since I've been married. I wonder why that is? It's almost like I have a vision of what I'm suppose to be and I'm cramming myself into that. I don't like that model. I need to just be who I am. Jason married me for ME...not for someone he thought I'd turn into.

I have a lot of soul searching to do. I'm excited for what I might find. I just started reading Maya Angelou's book, "Letter to my Daughter" and find it really helpful. I just want to be in some sort of weekly meeting with wise women talking about all the lessons they've learned. Maya has some good points that I'll need to remember.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Matt Lauer makes most news look good...

I watch the Today Show every day...it's been a favorite of mine for years. Watching it lately...it's getting to be too much for me. Stories affect me so differently than they used to. I realize that my hormones are nuts right now, but I also think it's just having more life experience. Hearing the story this morning of the mother who had a drunk driving accident killing her child and 3 nieces...it was too much. I heard a sound bit taken from the funeral of the 3 girls...the father pleading with parents to hold their children close--I just started crying. I can't imagine the pain of losing all of your children. Or losing a parent...losing anyone. I spend a lot of time worrying about losing people in my life. I've already lost some close to me. The memories of my grandparents evokes such emotion in me. The loss of friends...I constantly worry about what horrible accident is around the corner that will take another. Whenever Jason is late...I worry--creating horrible images in my mind. He leaves for Australia soon...and I'm dreading it. I want him to go, but I will be counting down the days until he is safely at home. I'm going to a mother soon--I know I can't hold her too closely. It will be hard for me to let her go. I have some time at least.

When I was a very young girl...maybe 9, my mom bought me the Mr. Worry book. I worried about everything...I need to go dig that up. It's sad to know that I haven't changed. Mom says that worrying is a way of sending out a silent prayer. Interesting thought.

Hold your loved ones close today.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Soak

Well, Jack is a Jill--we found out yesterday a girl is on her way. I mourned the boy for a while yesterday--he'd grown in my head. A girl...wow. Well, I definitely feel more at ease with the job. I was worried about a boy, just due to the fact that I don't know them very well and I didn't really grow up around them much. Women surrounded me mostly in my life and I'm thrilled that our girl will have so many aunties!! Today, I'm just overwhelmed at the thought of anything. I'm tired...I'm anti-social...I want to play hooky from work and go somewhere to sit and think. Not sure about what--I'm just in the mode of wanting to float. I don't want to be anywhere or talk to anyone--floating would be nice...or maybe be invisible. I've always wanted that ability. It's not that I'm depressed at all, I think I'm just the opposite. I feel overwhelmed at the information (all good) coming in and I feel as if I'm not enjoying it. I'd like to get pruney with my happy thoughts for a while.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Sex...for lack of a better word...is good.

"Love has no fear and no vengeance."--the quote on my Yogi tea bag. Yes, I am drinking tea that has caffeine! I am a bad mom. All weekend I felt somewhat paranoid about how others are viewing me..."You don't look pregnant....are you eating enough?" YES. Like I'm already a bad mother...I'm starving my child because I have a fear of being "fat." Nope...I will say that I don't have a huge appetite, but I do eat enough. I take my vitamin...and I'm sleeping as much as I can. Today, I'm exhausted. I'm not sleeping extremely well at night. I keep freaking about how I'm sleeping...am I cramping the baby? It's annoying.

We had a long weekend of in law bbq's. It went fine, although I kept sitting down and not moving. I also wasn't as social as I should have been...AND I had a bit of an oops by telling some young ladies the advice my mother gave me growing up-- in front of my mother in law--"my mom told me not to get married until you're at least 30 (which she was fine with...). She also said you should sleep with them first. (she didn't like that so much.) Oops. I wasn't talking to any virgins that I know of at the time. Maybe she was upset because one of the girls is sleeping with her youngest son--she's not thrilled about that. I wasn't encouraging teen sex! I was encouraging sex before marriage...that's different.

Least to say, I'm not sure I was a huge hit.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

I saw a film today...oh boy...

The Today Show had "lost footage" of the 1984 MJ Pepsi commercial where his hair caught on fire...it was awful. "They" say that is when his life turned for the worse. The pain he must have felt...seems it turned him on to prescription drugs. I had a burn on my hand in college and it was one of the worst pains I've ever had. I can't imagine if it was on my scalp. Just awful. It's something each day...he died on June 24th, I think...and it's going to be weeks and weeks of news.

Speaking about another thing that I've been thinking about this week--Jason and I witnessed a duck being hit on Saturday. It was pouring rain on Jackson road and the car didn't see the little guy. I turned around and saw him fluttering around while his 7 bros and sisters came out to help him--this caused me to literally fall apart and I bawled for a good 15 minutes. Jason (my hero), got out in the rain and moved the duck out of the road to safety. He stood by him to see if he was ok and I called around to different animal hospitals to see if they could take him--to no avail really. I did get a hold of one lady who said to put him into a box. The duck regained consciousness and waddled (pretty quickly) across the street into some bushes. Jason and I went home, found a box and came back to see if we could help him further. Jason was soaked through...and very concerned about mr. duck. (this is an image I will file away to tell his child) When we got back, the lady who owned the property said that she'd raised the ducks since they were ducklings and she'd watch after him.

We talked about mr. duck for the rest of the weekend...wondering if he was ok. It's sad to see something so helpless. But on a happier note, it's great to see the guy you love go above and beyond what most people would do. What a fine guy I have.

This weekend is blueberry picking time!! I'll try to get some good picks. I need a nice blueberry muffin recipe!

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Makes me want to scream...

The news is still swirling around MJ. Unreal. I taped the funeral, watched it and cried. I guess some would say it is odd to feel so much emotion for someone you didn't know. I remember finding out when Princess Diana died. I immediately started bawling...I remember as a little girl watching her get married. I was 6 I think. It's the loss of a certain presence in the world that is sad to me. The music of MJ will live on, but there will be no more new music. Dustin and I discussed how we'll deal with the loss of Reba or Paul. (It won't be pretty.) This may seem totally ridiculous to some, but Paul McCartney has been a constant in my life for a long time. At times, The Beatles music/movies was the only thing that could raise my spirits. Am I worshipping them? I don't think so. They've always just been my thing...somewhere I could go to feel better. It has changed over the years. As a teen, I was a bit obsessed. Now, I have other things in my life that make me happy just as much...but the idea that Paul is out there is comforting. (ok, maybe this does sound a bit odd...)

The point I'm trying to make is that so many felt that way about Michael...I love his music and I never believed the crap--just felt sorry for him, it was obvious he needed someone to take care of him. The fact that he's leaving such young children is heartbreaking. Will these kids ever have normal lives? The press will surely follow them just as much. Hopefully they will be surrounded by family and loved.

I'm tired today...had to snooze a bit at lunch and it made my lunch run long...oops. No one really seemed to notice. Baby is sucking up all of my energy. My ultrasound was changed, so now I find out on July 29th as to whether baby V is a girl or boy. If it is a boy, I'm sure I'll hear the hoops and hollers from Cleveland all the way here. :)

Monday, July 06, 2009

A Love Supreme

Finally! A baby bump appeared over the weekend! It seemed to grow overnight. It was the mountain air!! We spent the long weekend in the Adirondacks. I could live in Lake Placid. I loved the town. Not sure what I would do for a job...maybe work in a bookstore. Jason could work from home...

I'm exhausted today! Last night I got home, took a shower and crashed. When will the fatigue end? Mandi called today...she's having a boy!! I find out in 3 weeks. I can't wait. I feel like it's a boy, not that I know what that feels like...but it's just a feeling.

It's been raining every day for days. It makes the trees very green and the flowers stay pretty,but man...it gets tiring. The mountains were rainy and cool--still beautiful. It didn't affect our stay at all. Having a cabin helped. I love to tent, but worrying about tent leaks are a pain.

I can feel the baby move now. That is a crazy feeling! It's like they are wanting to communicate with you somehow. Baby V likes Michael Jackson songs I found out...and John Coltrane. Good taste.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Missed Connections

The weekend in Chicago was nice. The weather was perfect. The wedding, funky and romantic. It's a hard place to catch up with people though, so I was disappointed that I didn't even talk to some people...I'm more of a one on one person and in a group, unless there is a space next to someone, it's hard for me to yank someone away from a group. Plus, I got tired at about 9pm, which is pathetic and probably seemed to make me even more anti-social. A group was meeting the next day (which would've been perfect!) but we'd already made flight arrangements to leave in the afternoon. So...although fun to see people, I missed really getting to talk to them.

It seems as we get older and people spread out...the time of real connection is so limited. I am not used to that. I like to sit and talk to people about their lives and have them feel listened to. I guess I'm having an Our Town moment--"why don't we look at each other??" Everyone gets so busy...and life just takes off. I miss the times when it is slow and people are able to talk about every day things...that's where friendships are strengthened. It's hard for some to connect on the phone--though, not hard for me. My girlfriends are spread out everywhere and it just depends on if they are phone people or not. Maybe I should write a letter or something...a card...just to try another avenue. I think I will. I hate losing touch with people...it bothers me.

So, just a little shout out...Kelly, I missed talking to you at the wedding...hope you are doing well.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Get to leave early...that puts me in a good mood. We leave to Chicago tonight around 6ish. Dustin is picking us up and then off to Flat Top, YUM!!! Hopefully the weekend will be a nice one-weather wise. We're staying with Jeremy P and will spend Saturday doing whatever until the wedding. I can't wait for that! I haven't been to a wedding in a while and this one should prove to be laid back and a ton of fun. We haven't seen our friends for almost 9 months...ugh. We won't be able to make it to the burbs to see other friends...so it feels as if we're in for a secret weekend. I hate that, but there isn't time. If it weren't for the wedding, we wouldn't be coming at all. It will be a great time. I got a dress the other night...very plain, but J really liked it. He's great to shop with actually. If he likes something, he goes overboard sharing his praise...if he doesn't, he never says he doesn't, he just says, "It doesn't really do anything for me...but you still look good." That's code for, "let's look elswhere."

So, yesterday, Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcet died. Unreal. I knew Farrah was close...she'd had a long battle. Michael was a surprise....and the media was all over it. It dominated most stations. He was only 50. I have a lot of thoughts about Michael...and whom others call Whacko Jacko (which I hate)--but I'm not sure I have the energy to get into it right now. I will say that he seemed frozen in time...at 10 years old...and that all of his money made him a target and untouchable. He needed thereapy--obviously. He needed to grow up...but something seemed to happen to him, not sure I want to know what would cause him to be so emotionally stunted. I don't believe he hurt anyone, I do believe he didn't understand why having friends 30 years younger was a problem. But, it was. I hope he is remembered for his music. I love his music. I hope all the rest will be outshined by all the good.

We should all try to remember the good in others...if possible, I think.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Rants

It's upsetting when something at work angers you for the entire day. I hate that. I need to Zen out and realize that it shouldn't matter. And it's dumb stuff...and it's other people affecting my mood--people I don't live with or who even think of me outside of the work day. I am easily irritated these days. Is it just part of it? I wonder.

May Sarton writes about coming into contact with other people feeling like a car crash. She, too, is too affected by other people who shouldn't. She's a terrific author...if you haven't heard of her, you should look her up.

It's pouring out. After a hot day, it's nice for it to just rain and clean the air. But, I forgot my umbrella...and I hate being wet.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Chicago

Today has been a bit tiresome, but I'm getting better. Morning sickness hit me with a vengeance today!! When the hell will it leave me alone? I ate fruit and yogurt this morning...guess baby isn't a fan. (REALLY isn't a fan!!)

I'm looking forward to the weekend...I love when you have something to look forward to that pulls you through!! We land in Chicago on Friday night and are immediately going to eat Flat Top, my fave food. I will say, although I love it here...Chicago has good food...and good people...and I'm looking forward to catching up with both.

I haven't seen my friends since I moved...and I'm emotional and I just don't want to be a FREAK and start crying when I see them. (I do this.) But, they'll forgive me, I'm sure... I do a good job of compartmentalizing things so that I don't sit around missing people. Not that I'm cold, I just am too attached and literally will work myself into a funk. But, then when I see people, it all comes rushing forward and spills out. There are worse things than people knowing how you feel about them.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Jack?

So, a man that is new to the company--yesterday in fact, just told me that I am going to have a boy. I hadn't even told him I was pregnant yet. Interesting. He said he's been 95% accurate and made over 400 predictions.

I've always felt it was a boy...but we'll find out soon enough.

Monday, June 15, 2009

House

Well, we're amidst the bid process on our house...and we hit the 2nd trimester this week. YAY! Hopefully by tomorrow noon, we'll have a new place to call home. It's an exciting time...but stressful. I feel very part of a team. Team Vidmar against the world...we're just out here making tons of a decisions -just the two of us. It's a nice bonding time for us.

My pants are starting to get tight, but I'm still under weight. I'm hoping this will be my first week without throwing up. Last week was awful...today...iffy. We'll see.

I'm so nervous about the house, I can barely think of anything else...if it works out, I'll write more and post pics!

Send good thoughts.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Slow down, you're movin' too fast....

Today is the first day this week without being sick! YAY! I feel good. We're looking at a house tonight, I'm excited. I never really thought about houses much...course, for some reason, I never thought about a family either. Growing up, I envisioned myself alone in some cool part of the world. Later, I thought about kids...yet, a husband I was still not thinking too much about. Now, with Jason and baby on the way, I am starting to piece it all together. I want the baby to grow up in a happy house...something close to nature where he/she can hear the birds chirping in the morning and the crickets at night. Being from a small town...I loved that stuff. I loved being able to see the stars and being able to safely walk around town or ride my bike. I went by the house at noon just to see the neighborhood. It's quiet with TONS of mature trees...I love it. It's hard not to put the cart before the horse...Jason slows me down quite a bit. He's slow to make decisions...thinking over everything. I'm more spontaneous...I imagine a house isn't something to make a quick leap to. I get anxious about others out bidding us...in some weird way, taking my day dreams away from me. That's ridiculous.

I need to relax...and trust that everything happens for a reason. I'm not sure I truly believe that, but the idea keeps me from beating myself up.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

June 4th

So, today is our 2nd anniversary and I heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time. Good day! AND I didn't take a nap at lunch, but instead, cleaned the apt. (This is a happy thing as well.) Of course, I'm a bit tired now, but that's ok. Jason's been working a ton lately and is exhausted. We're headed to Cleveland this weekend so we'll celebrate our anniversary next weekend. He says he has it all planned out. I'll say he has it thought out, not planned out. :) We're also looking at houses--or have started the search. Our dream house of the week was under contract, but came back on the market yesterday! YAY! So, hopefully we'll be able to pounce on it. We need to work fast though, I have a feeling it's pretty popular.

Random--the Brach's MilkMaid Royals...love those things...I just found them in the grocery store this week and am pigging out on them. I'd feel guilty but I lost 3 lbs from last month and so I need to gain some weight back. I really need to start walking! Maybe the weight loss is actually just me losing muscle. Gross.

2 years ago I was on a cruise ship. A year ago I was in NYC. Today, I'm at work. Yuck. The most exciting thing I can think of to do tonight is go see a movie. Maybe Angels and Demons...how romantic.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

It's been a while

Honestly because my life has been a bit focused on other things and I didn't know how to blog about it...because I hadn't told a ton of people and because it's probably rude for people to find out on a blog rather than being told. hmmmm. I'll just say this then...I haven't blogged due to the fact that when I get home I'm immediately on the couch sleeping or trying to ignore the fact that I'm going to throw up soon. I throw up a lot...and I sleep a lot. And it's all tiring and for me to think about writing on here...I almost can't manage. Mostly because I'm a huge wimp when it comes to being sick. I hate feeling nauseous...HATE IT!! Throwing up isn't too far after. But...tomorrow will be 12 weeks and that's a mini milestone! :) YAY! Haven't thought too much in the future--except we're ready to look for a house finally. Neither of us really cared...and then suddenly, we want more space. I'm excited for all the new things to come...and will eventually start writing more regularly...eventually.

Friday, May 08, 2009

Things that make me homesick.

smelling freshly cut grass--Hearing a lawn mower in the distance
hearing a basketball bouncing on pavement
the sound of track meets--annoucements over the loud speaker
crickets and frogs at night
the smell of coppertone
anything from U2 War
smell of hot black top
a car scratching it's bumper on a dip
track spikes on cement
(i loved track season...i wasn't any good, but my friends were)
gym shoes squeaking on a gym floor
the squeaking of a swing set
the smell of gasoline
fireflies
the smell of noxema
burning leaves
the sound of a boat engine taking in some water
(i miss the lake)
the sound of a tent zipper

I can hear all the sounds of my grandparents' houses...the doors when they opened and shut...everything. Also...the sounds of St. John...the whistle is a big one. I can hear so many things I grew up listening to. It's amazing. Life used to be so simple.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

the day that should have been

(for Jen)

I wake up at 7am...filled with energy and a good feeling about the day. I cleaned the apt last night, so now I can relish in the cleanliness of it! Jason set the coffee to brew and I can smell it throughout the house. It's sunny. It's warm. I'm not in the least bit fatigued and sit down to finally read a book on the couch...

That's the start. Unfortunately, it's now how today is going and I'm exhausted...so I'll have to write more of it later. How sad!!

Friday, May 01, 2009

Sounds of Silence

It's Friday and people are leaving early from the office. Oh, how I wish I were too. I have an hour left. A group of us are going to see Wolverine tonight. I love Hugh...he's amazing to watch. I wish Wolverine could do a little sing and dance routine, but maybe that's not really in his character. There's something about a man who can really entertain--whether it be singing, dancing, playing an instrument...or even tell great jokes. The multi talented stars are fading. The days of an actor being able to do it all seem to be left to black and white. Sure, we have some...but it seems that beauty dominates over anything else--even talent. That's too bad. Even the radio had constant crap on it. I rarely listen to new music...I have a few that I do--but mostly, not. I love listening to my Pauls--McCartney and Simon. They always center me somehow. Silly maybe.

This weekend our goal is to do a lot of cleaning and relaxing. Can't wait. There's nothing like cleaning the crap out of your place and then just relaxing in the Pledge fumes. (Maybe that's only me??)

Thursday, April 30, 2009

My purse

I can't think of what to write about, so Kortney suggested I talk about what's in my purse. I suppose it could say a lot about a person...however, I switch purses constantly, so I keep a pretty light load.

1. Sunglasses
2. Umbrella (most of the time it's in the car...but I heard it's going to rain at 4pm)
3. 1/4 bag of Skittles
4. 5 different kinds of lipstick/gloss.
5. travel toothbrush (from the weekend)
6. Banana Boat sublock--30.
7. RGE and Oakmonte bills
8. a hairband
9. two moist towletts from a wings place we ate at in Buffalo last Friday.
10. my change purse
11. ipod with headphones
12. Tylenol
13. old receipts crumpled at the bottom
14. Floss.

Kind of boring...not sure you can tell too much about me. hmmm.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Tuesday

I'm forcing Spring weather today by wearing a skirt even though it's only in the 50s. The sun is out...and that's enough. It was 80 this past weekend...why can't it just stick around?? We've messed with the environment and now it messes with us.

The trees are in bloom here. I love the little white blossoms that make all the trees so pretty around here. And the flowers have bloomed outside of our apartment. Somewhere, Bambi and his friends are running around the forest talking about Spring and all that occurs--Feline will soon be in the picture. (I find it funny that I relate most things in life to a movie--as if it is a memory of my own...or a reality from my childhood.) Spring always reminds me of Bambi.

I have so much on my mind, but I can't write about it yet. Soon....

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Cold

It's still cold out. And today it's raining. (As it did yesterday and the day before) However--we'll have warmer weather tomorrow, but I'm leaving. J and I are headed to South Beach with Angie and Mike. It will be nice to have a new perspective--trips always do that to me. I remember going abroad my first (and only) time. It was amazing. I was so happy. I realized how small my life was. Meaning--there's life out there!! It really is amazing when you think of ALL the different life sources out there...all living totally different lives...all breathing air...all being heated by the same sun. That's mind blowing. Plus, all the new life that is born every day! All the personalities and ideas. If the world was a place where all those ideas were used for good and not evil--what a place we could live in.

I woke up to the news of the Craig's List killer. He looks like someone I would've gone to high school with. He looks harmless. It's scary. I realize people said this of Ted Bundy...but that was before my time. This guy, Phillip Markoff, is someone I would've talked to in a bar or would've someone from who I'd ask directions. That's someone's son. That's what's awful. He was an innocent baby...who later killed someone else's innocent baby. I just don't understand. With that news and the Sunday school teacher who killed the little girl who was friends with her daughter--it makes me want to not watch the news!!

However, waking up to Matt Lauer is a great start to any day...no matter what the news.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Oh the times...they are a changin....

I have an excuse for being a bad blogger--been sick. Feeling a bit better today, but have been sleeping a lot and staying away from the computer. Struggling a bit as I write this...just wanting to retreat to my couch at home.

May will be a good month. April brought many showers, so the flowers should be up and happy. The temps should be finally getting up there too. This weekend...80 degrees!! Course, we'll be gone. We're headed to South Beach Florida with Angie and Mike. I'm looking forward to it--just hope I'm feeling better. As I was driving to work today, I felt a great sense of peace. Webster may not be everyone's cup of tea--but Jason and I are really enjoying it. It's quiet here. It's pretty. It's calming. Chicago was almost too cool for me. The hustle and bustle got to me. I really think we're going to enjoy visiting! We're going back in June for a wedding. I'm so excited to see everyone again. It's been such a long time. It's possible that the only people that will visit us are our closest of friends and family. We may have to go visit others before they'd come here. That's ok. I understand. Although--I do feel that we offer a lot and we're so close to a lot of things. Camping season is almost upon us...that's when the lack of friends here will become extremely apparent.

So many things to look forward to. I'm happy.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Put 'em up!

I hate confrontations. I'm not sure when that happened. As a kid, it seemed I thrived on them...even into my early 20s. But now, maybe it's maturity, I avoid them as long as possible. I'm horribly passive aggressive. It's not healthy. Even hours (or days) after a fight--even when things are ok--I'm still upset. The nerve I had as a kid. But I see those with no filter, that cause great interruptions at certain times and I'm immediately put off. There is a time and place for things, but usually, I avoid that time and place. I used to seek it out. Don't get me wrong, I can't stand door mats either! It's a very fine line. I love strength in women...I love when they are able to stand up for themselves. I don't do that as much as I should. That is something I definitely need to work on.

I had a mini-fight this morning and I'm still reeling from it. I just want to go home and crawl in bed.

There is a balance I need to find that will make me a strong, well spoken woman. People will know how not to talk to me and I will be able to express myself to them without my heart beating out of my throat.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Going Postal

Just a quick observation. I find myself at the post office a couple of times a week. I have to mail expense reports, etc. And no matter how long the line--it seems people ALWAYS seem to make some snide comment about the person being currently helped. For some reason, people always feel that their time is more precious than the one in front of them. It's just rude. This bugs me along with the men that give the mothers dirty looks. Kids are hanging off of them, chirping away and wondering how long they'll be there and the men just get irritated. I'm sure if these women had a better place for their kids to be, they wouldn't drag them in there. I'm just frustrated. EVERY time some asshole has a comment. I just want to yell, "And your time is SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN MINE!!!" I can't wait until I have the nerve to do it.

Kendra

I met Kendra when she was 3 days old. I had a Poloroid taken of us and I kept it in my car forever. I was instantly in love with her. I came home from college almost every weekend to see her. Ugh. I remember thinking that I wasn't sure I could have my own kids because I wasn't sure I'd love them as much. (I was 20) Today...that little girl is 14! I just can't believe it. I used to bath her in the sink with Becky--Baby Baby Bathtime. So cute. Now she has to deal with mean girls and "cute" boys. Unreal. I look forward to the woman she'll become. She loves Broadway musicals and movies--very much like her mother and grandmother. She's tall and beautiful and has braces. I would've killed to look like her in 7th grade! So many things to look forward to and experience. I envy her...and I don't. At least she'll have a very blunt Aunt to help guide her through the madness!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Walking Zombies

More people arrived in our office on Monday. More People, More Problems. I realize that's not the song, but it's my life. Everyone is very nice, but demanding. They are all over worked, over tired, (probably under paid) and dealing with hard deadlines. I feel for them. I told Wendy I felt like I was running an entire office of DDC employed Jason Vidmars. What an insane time that was for him. I realize though, that the dark circled eyes of the people around my office does not remind me of the Rochester Jason. Chicago Jason, yes. Although still a bit stressed from time to time, he no longer sleeps at work...or has 100 hour weeks. I wouldn't be able to do it. I'll never have the big bucks--I require too much sleep. I'm just wired differently. I never pulled all-nighters in college either. My friends did. I used to stay up all night at sleep overs as a kid, but I'd be asleep the entire next day--I remember feeling as if I'd wasted my weekend.

I need to be careful not to become a mother hen. However, everyone has their limit...and it seems that some companies push people to reach it not matter what. Unrealistic deadlines. I feel that's a big component.

I just heard people discussing whether they could sleep in here or not. I just can't imagine. Of course, mothers have sleepless nights all of the time--they pull the same kind of hours.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

zzzzzzzzzzzzz

I haven't been able to write. Work has been busy (not that I'm complaining) and when I get home, I just want to be as far away from a computer as possible. Plus, I've been struggling with what to write about. I could try stream of consciousness, but maybe that would be a complete bore. I have frustrations, but that could be boring to discuss.

But I will anyway.

BIG Businesses annoy me. In my smaller offices, getting a phone, adding software to my computer, even getting a light changed was a simple process. Here, you have to call into a help desk and fill out a ton of forms for anything! I miss the days of the IT guy showing up at my desk and just installing whatever I need. Also, I'm doing it for 45 people. I'm dealing with it right now and it's making for a very long day. See, I told you it would be boring.

Sunday, April 05, 2009

The Rules

1. open all candy before the movie.
2. please close your mouth when you eat popcorn.
3. It's not a place to hang out with your teen friends...go to the mall.
4. Whisper means usually only 2 people can hear what you're saying.
5. If you giggle during sex scenes, you might be too young to see them.

Went to the movies--saw Knowing. It was entertaining, but we sat next to a group of about 10 tweens. Jason and I are too polite to say something. Man, could've used either Dustin or Amanda to shut them up!!

Friday, April 03, 2009

Love Bites

Well, it's rainy today, but I feel better. Although yesterday it was sunny and 61, it's Friday today, so that trumps it.

In the news--Madonna was denied her adoption. Interesting. She's put in tons of money for building a school and towards an orphanage in South Africa. Unfortunately, that was used against her as some felt that due to those advantages, the 4 year old girl would be better taken care of. Most likely she'll fight it. I want to adopt. I wouldn't mind starting the process now. Hopefully that's something that will eventually happen.

I've been having horrible dreams. 2 nights ago I dreamt that my father died. I cried all night it seemed. Michael had told me the story of her father dying that day, that's most likely where I got that. It still spurred me to write Dad and tell him I love him. Then, last night, I dreamt about my first love, Jay. I dream about him more than any guy I've dated....probably because he created my standard of romantic love. He was so young...I was younger. I loved the fierce passion he had for me and how incredibly romantic he was. (Of course, with fierce passion can come jealousy and such, but we dealt with that.) The poems and flowers and constant crazy acts of love have been unparalleled. It might have ruined me actually. Most men aren't as romantic. (though I have run into one more who was) It sets expectations too high. At times, I do believe Jay created a monster...but I'll live with that. I'm a passionate girl. Most blame it on my movie watching, but I don't. I think it's in your blood. You are born with it. It's a gift and it's inspiring. I don't think all of that has to be because you're young--I believe it can live as long as you do. People seek it out. Whether they know it or not, I believe we yearn for it--it just makes life sweeter and more vivid. That's why The Notebook was so successful! And why there are so many movies and songs dealing with first love...passionate love...even love that is scandalous. My favorite movie has scandalous love...The English Patient. I love the passion and the torture. That sounds masochistic. However, even if K wasn't married, I would still love the movie, although, it is a lot of the plot. I loved The Notebook --as cheesy as it is. He so reminds me Jay...and watching it just takes me back. Ugh. So good!!

The one episode of Thirtysomething that stuck with me was when Hope learns of the death of her first love...it really hits her hard. She spends days thinking of how young they were and how she used to feel. All of those emotions are so strong--especially when you are discovering them. It's like nothing else. My niece is going to be 14 soon. It could happen to her in the next couple of years...wow. I'm not talk about sex, but just the overwhelming feelings she'll have. I'm excited for her.

Ok, so dreams may affect me too much.

.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Time Goes By.....So Slowly!!

Last night wasn't good--hence the fact I didn't write. I do pretty well, but every now and again, it hits me. I'm horribly exhausted, I can't get off the couch to do a thing, I'm overly concerned about everything in my life and I freak out a bit about all of it. I went home and started watching all of my DVR'd shows. When I got to the second episode of West Wing, I couldn't stay awake--I think it was 9something. Dustin woke me up later to talk, I'm sure I sounded like a crazy woman, but he listened and didn't make me feel crazy--but validated. I called Joan (my therapist of the past 6 years) and made an appt for today at 6pm. I haven't talked to her since we moved and it's time. I have a lot on my mind. Instead of the angel and devil on each shoulder, I just want a teeny-tiny Joan sitting on one side advising me to do each thing I question. She'd coach me during family gatherings and airplane rides, particularly. I could put her in a box at night so she could sleep. Ok, that's weird. I think I'm PMSing. (damn)

In the news...Madonna wants to adopt another baby from South Africa. People are giving her hell for it. Ridiculous. She wants another child to love and provide for, let her do it. Are there children in the US to adopt, yes. However, wherever the child is from...it doesn't matter, it's a child--a person of the world. Between she and Angelina--let them provide for as many as possible if they have the time, heart and the money. The world is struggling to provide...so who cares who does it?!!

I haven't seen any movies lately. I'm going through withdrawal.

.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

A nice burnt orange would be nice.

Why do most offices--at least most I've worked in--make all of their walls white? It's sterile and depressing. I feel like I'm in a hospital. (Not that hospitals are depressing places...but they are sterile!) I would paint the walls on my own if I could, but we don't "own" the space. My office is inside of Xerox...I work for the IT company that runs all of Xerox's machines....we control all of the servers, etc. I don't even know what HCL stands for. Let me go look.....

ok, back. It's stands for Hindustan Computers Limited. Here is the wikipedia page if you are interested: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HCL_Technologies
HCL is India’s 4th largest leading global IT Services companies...huh!

Well, their revenue looks pretty good...5 Bil. They could afford some paint. They could afford to pay Xerox to let us use some paint.

Monday, March 30, 2009

SATC....not quite.

Had another weekend in Brooklyn. And although I'm too exhausted to write in depth about the experience...I will say that I find stepping into another's life something each person should do. Meaning, the weekend was nothing I would have ever planned for myself. I hung out with people I never would've run into or met on my own (my brunch pals were a 72 year old woman, Pat and an 86 year old man, Harold. They were fabulous. I loved the conversation and I loved the environment--a diner over a 100 years old that looked the same as it did when it opened. In fact, Harold used to come there as a little boy. (Big story on Harold coming soon.)

I grew up in Small Town, KS. They (Harold, Pat and Michael--my coworker) grew up in Brooklyn. They lived in apt buildings...they walked to get everything they needed...or they took a bus. They didn't have to learn to drive, but did. Pat said she owned a car for a while..."from 1967-71." She said it wasn't for her.

Michael had me driving everywhere. I drove through the Holland tunnel, drove all over tons of neighborhoods...she even took me to Coney Island at 11pm to see the beach in the freezing, wet darkness. She has so much more energy than I do, it's crazy. She's 53 and I was wiped out trying to keep up with her. I love meeting a new type of woman I haven't encountered before. Her beliefs, her energy, her spiritual connection, her attitude--she's from a different mold. It was such a learning experience for me. We grew up in completely different universes and yet...we found tons of things we had in common.

We are all connected...somehow.
More later, I'm pooped.

.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Wednesday Night

My mind is not in a healthy place today. Or rather, in the past hour it dipped. I wish I could explain more, but I fear I might be committed.

Jason is staying the night in Owego. Probably better. In these times of chemical off balance, I'd rather be alone. What caused it? I think it was my inability to figure out how to copy a graph from a pdf file into Microsoft Project. I'm suppose to have it done by 10AM tomorrow and I have no idea. I've never even worked in Project. But I'm sure I'll figure it out.

And my husband is irritated that I've decided to take off for the weekend to NYC again. I was there last month. My new co-worker, Michael, lives there--she will eventually move here, but for now, she has a nice house in Brooklyn that she misses and her ride backed out, so I'm taking her. Mostly because I love new experiences...and she's interesting...and I like seeing where people live...and I love NYC...and it's fun to get away. Jason's quarter end is next week, so he'll be busy. Michael says we'll relax. She wants mani's and pedi's (for cheap!), go to see Bus Stop at a local theatre and just enjoy the neighborhood. I was thinking I could hang with Dewey too, but he has yet to contact me. How fun would that be?!!

I also need to be able to look decent in a swimming suit by the end of April. Hmmmm.

Idol is starting soon. It's my saving grace. I'm going to start laundry, put away laundry, clean up the kitchen and swoon over cute Idol boys...and girls, who are we kidding.

.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Death Becomes Her

I'm nervous today. Almost like I'm waiting on something to happen. I feel unsettled. I keep driving and wondering if I feel at home. The better question is when is the last time I felt at home. I remember feeling really good in Cincinnati, but that may be because of Lisa and John. They were my family...and it was a comforting environment. I didn't have my crap together then...but I did enjoy my time there. Now, being more "with it" here in Rochester, somehow I find myself trying to get to a certain feeling--like it's a goal. Chicago never felt like home. I have great friends there...I was there for a long time, but I was always moving. I didn't live in the same place for more than year. That's a lot of moving around. Plus, I also had new jobs every year and a half for one reason or the other. Lawrence is probably the closest thing to feeling at home as I could have. St. John is too, but it's different. My house isn't mine anymore...my room isn't there...and I don't really have a set place to be there. I keep trying to feel at home and that doesn't work. I think J and I are both searching for a certain feeling. He still feels that Chicago is his home--though he is feeling more comfortable here. It's hard. We are slowly meeting people, but we don't have good friends here. We are still searching around. It's cold as hell and I don't like to be outside. My apt feels homey. I like being in it...but I still feel like something is missing.

I always think very dark thoughts. What if Jason died...what would I do then? Where would I live....or go? Part of me thinks I'd move back to Lawrence. Jason wasn't there...his ghost wouldn't be following me around--not that that would be a bad thing. Part of me wonders if I'd continue to roam around. Maybe see if Sarah wanted a roommate in Seattle or something. Or, maybe I'd make Dewey have me as a roommate, although he doesn't want one. Or, maybe I'd move overseas. That would be dramatic, but I'm dramatic. I know that immediately, I'd want to be in St. John. I'd still look for something there that I know isn't anymore. The "St. John" feeling. I know there are people who have moved from there that understand what I mean. (Kortney and Becky would know) This is a weird thing to write about.

I know I'm not the only one that constantly thinks about crazy things. How many would come to my funeral. How weird would it be for my family to finally meet some of my friends that she's always heard about. How would it affect each person. I know what it's like to lose a friend...and how it affects me...and how she's constantly around. Not like a haunting...but like she's here and I can see her, but no one else can. I want to talk about her, but now it's like I'm morbid if I bring up her name. I recently found her brother on facebook and I just wanted to talk about her...but I felt like I couldn't because maybe he didn't want to talk about her with me. Interesting that I still haven't used her name. Carrie. I think about her and I wonder if 10 years after my death, others would think of me just as often. I've had her mom's email address for almost a month and I haven't used it. I'm still a bleeding heart sometimes and maybe that's not good for her. I just want to sit and talk about her until she's here in some form.

Maybe this is floating to the top of my mind because I heard about Sylvia Plath's son's suicide. Not that I'm suicidal. It's just---his life is gone. I think about my life being gone. Poof. And Natasha Richardson is gone. Poof. Her kids will grow up without her...and maybe Liam will remarry one day. But, she's gone. Really? People think we don't go anywhere after death? REALLY??! I feel how much energy there is inside me...my thoughts that won't stop, etc--and it's just GONE?

Life is great. But, if we do get to see the people we've lost after we die...the company gets better and better on the other side.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Thrilled.














I received my first award--and although it won't be a headline...it made my morning!! (Thanks so much JEN!!!)

The rules of receiving this award are to share seven things I love, and also tell you about seven blogs I love. Well, I don't follow a ton of blogs--I get bored easily, so I will put down the ones that I do allot time for.




7 Things I love:

1. Movies. --They are a part of my internal make up. I grew up watching everything. My mom wasn't big on "kids movies"--so she took my sister Wendy and me to movies she was interested in. Therefore, I watched a ton of adult movies at a young age. For example, these are the movies that I remember vividly seeing when I was in grade school: The Color Purple (my mom says that I was transfixed by this movie...I didn't talk or move until it was over), Chariots of Fire (I remember being bored out of my mind), Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan (we went to see this...about 8 times I bet--I wanted to BE Tarzan.), Amadeus (just watched it recently and it wasn't as great as I remembered), Out of Africa (learned to love that more as an adult), Gandhi (my mom's fave) and Passage to Indai (I need to rewatch it). I saw movies that I didn't understand, but that pushed me to try. It helped my creative mind flourish I truly believe. She took us as an escape--but never anything inappropriate, more intellectually out of our range. I am a film snob now...and will probably do that to my kids to other mothers' disapproval I'm sure!

2. Naps. I just can't function as a productive, kind person without them. I literally become mean and lose my short term memory.

3. Laughing. I love laughing and definitely radiate towards people who help me do so. A sense of humor is the #1 thing I look for in people. Some of my favorite people are ones that I just love listening to LAUGH!

4. Camping. I love the outdoors. I love being in a tent--the sounds of birds, the tent zipper, the crickets, the late-arriving guests, the murmur of people still up talking around the campfire--coupled with the smell of it! I love the simplicity of it. I love the talks around the fire, in the canoe, on the hike. I love fixing food with everyone. I love that everyone is dirty and no one cares. I love it all--and I miss it with my Chicago buddies...

5. Toddlers. Sweet, loving, blunt, real, excited, funny and ready to learn. Working at a daycare was the best. Walking in and having them all run to me with smiles and hugs--it doesn't get any better.

6. Modern hair styling tools. --is it shallow? Maybe, but growing up with curly, frizzy hair without any de-frizz serum, flat iron or relaxing cremes REALLY scarred me as a kid. My senior pics are hidden and my Jr. High pics are used as my "do you really love me" test. (Jason passed with flying colors.)

7. Modern Medicine. As someone who has had 2 major surgeries already in her life...Ican't imagine what I would've done without it. My hip replacement gave me my life back...and I'm going to count my vision in there too! I think about what it would be like to being blind without glasses and in too much pain to walk--my life just wouldn't have much joy.



7 Blogs I follow:

(I don't have a ton of friends that blog...and I'm all about pop culture!)

1.Ross Matthews--ok, so it's a celebrity blog, but he makes me laugh. He's always in good mood and I find that refreshing. He doesn't do his daily life blog anymore--sadly, but all of his "talky blogs" are still up for people to see at: http://www.youtube.com/rosstheintern

2. Carolyn- Here's one I know. She has one little one and one on the way. She's blunt and funny...and married to a pal of mine from college. I love to follow her thoughts about this and that. http://supercblogs.blogspot.com/

3. Jane Fonda--yes, THE Jane Fonda...she actually helped inspire me to write every day! She's 71, on Broadway and can find the time! I love her. http://janefonda.com/category/my-blog

4. Kelly--Finally a blog to save the world!! She's one of the blogs I follow over on the right hand side! Click and learn!! http://ordinarilygreen.blogspot.com/

5. Lisa--My girlfriend who shows her life through pictures. I miss her, so I love to go see her world. http://lisabrooksc.blogspot.com/

6. Jen- My savior. If ever I were to read a blog and think, "wow, she's like me!" Ok, no, I don't have kids...but our minds are very similar...and she makes me laugh--or remember to laugh. That's important. http://diagnosisurine.blogspot.com/

7. Rosie-- http://www.rosie.com/ --She's VERY real...and her old talky blogs with JAHERO are HILARIOUS!! She has thoughts and she's going to share them. I really enjoy the tough ladies...reminds me to be strong as well.


I don't know how to do that nifty write a word and have it be the link thingy....obviously.

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The Lost Weekend

The morning is moving slowly. I hear the conference calls around me--the world continues to move on, no matter what happens in your life. It's an interesting thing. Well, to me. We all wake up in different realities. Matt Lauer woke up stiff and unable to go to work--having flipped over his handle bars during a bike ride and therefore threw off my Today Show morning. I enjoy his face, it puts me in a good mood. So, I had to settle for Lester Holt, who just isn't as enjoyable. I woke up ready, but tired. The weekend was a nice one. J's mom and sisters came for a visit. It was too crammed. They were here for one day and we felt the need to show them around so much that I feel everyone left more tired than when they arrived. I like the 3rd visit...when people already know what options they have to see and to eat...and everyone can just relax. We have a lot of first visits though before that happens. Until then...I feel the "relaxing" feeling we want to convey of the area will be lost.

I got an email this morning that helped my mood--an invitation for a weekend away from the cold!! Originally a girl weekend, when the husbands got wind, they wanted to go too. So, it looks like a South Beach weekend will occur at the end of April. I can't wait. I've only been to Florida once...when I got married. This time, it will undoubtedly be more relaxing!! We did instruct the men to find something else to do during the day so we can have ample girl talk time by the pool. Sunburned and-- let's face it, tipsy, we will meet them for dinner. Although the sun is starting to become more of a friend than an acquaintance lately, it's still not warm. We'll finally hit 62 by the weekend!

Work is helping me not "think" so much. It's nice...my thoughts are more about problem solving for those around me rather than wondering "is there life out there..." I need variation! It still baffles me what I did for the 5 months I didn't work. Yes,the apartment is decorated and clean and somewhat organized...but it's not like I am any better off than I was. (WHY do I feel the need to beat myself up for not having some huge project completed???) I thought I'd have a stack of books that I'd read, but no. It's just so hard for me to resign myself to reading for long periods of time.

Speaking of books I can't finish--I did see Twilight on Saturday night. Hmmm. Visually, it was something to enjoy--beautiful in parts. Edward was stimulating...to look at, to understand and connect to, it just didn't happen. Bella was just awful. She actually kept me from really enjoying the movie at all. She was dull and lifeless. Overall, a disappointment. I was looking forward to it, too. This makes it even more difficult to find the motivation to finish the book, damn.

Friday, March 20, 2009

I can hear Dolly singing already!

Being at home for the past 5 months and ruling over everything in the apt. has spoiled me for the work place. When I can't find an answer about anything, I almost lose my mind. WHY is there not a contact for my phone issues...fax issues...computer issues?? I want someone to come to my desk and help me...not tutor me over the phone. That's the problem with BIG companies. They are so vast--they have help centers...that you have to call. I miss walking around the office and yelling, "hey...does anyone know how to connect to the wireless around here?" I wanted a smaller office. I can't complain, I have a job. BUT, in the future...I'm all for mom and pop places where people go to lunch together and leave early on Fridays--AND CAN WEAR JEANS on Fridays! I'll get paid less. That's fine. Money takes away just as much happiness as it can give. Jason makes more now than he ever has...but he's tired and constantly feels behind. It's just not good for the soul.

I do have a nice manager. That's huge. I've worked for some crazy creepy people before. Men are easier to work for--but women are easier to work alongside. (In my opinion) I've had some great women managers before...but they are all business. They were probably better at the professionalism aspect. I want someone I can be real with--I'm not the most professional gal. I like to have real connections at work. Jason has found friends at work by luck...but doesn't EVER seek them out. He's all business. He needed me in his life. We can be a good balance.

It's the first day of Spring and it's still damn chilly outside. That pisses me off.

(title ref. 9 to 5)

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Thursday, March 19, 2009

RIP

I've been so tired today. Not sure why. I'm not used to getting to bed by 10--I have 5 months of bad habits to break.

I'm saddened by Natasha Richardson's death. I find it somewhat interesting that we feel for people we've never met. My dad was really shaken over Tim Russert's death. We see people on stage and screen and somehow we feel connected to them. I know that when Paul McCartney dies it will be hard. He's been such a constant source of joy in my life. When something like that happens, my mom, sister and I all call each other as if one of our close friends has died. We've gone to the movies our entire lives--it's like we have mutual friends. I actually think about Liam Neeson and how he's doing. Is that weird?

The job is going well. I feel like I'm a house mother. I make sure everyone has what they need, I make sure we have enough coffee, cups, pens, paper, if the printer works, if the scanner works, if the email is up, what desk each person is sitting at, if there are enough cubes for everyone, etc!!! I like it. It's busy...and it makes the day FLY by. Everyone is very nice to me...and they know I have the power to either get things done for them quickly--or not! I'm the Key Master AND the Gate Keeper!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Meryl Streep doesn't feel fabulous.

Ok. The cat is still sick...and she hates me. When I go to get her for her medication she just lets out a low growl. She's never mean, she just wants me to know how uncomfortable she is. I feel awful for her. The apt smells like sick cat...it's not good. "Sick cat" smell is strong urine/blood high in bacteria. Jason will take her back to the vet on Thur morning for more tests.

Today was my first full day. It was successful. I can tell because I'm tired. I came home and watched 3 episodes of The West Wing and called Mackenzie to hear her open her presents! 4 years old today. Ugh. I hate to miss those things. I watched a video yesterday of Kendra turning 4. They all have to grow up. True, we get amazing adults, but I love the babies...and the toddlers a lot. They think you're great...they say what they think and they love you because you are good to them and spend time with them. It's simple. Kendra and Derek are still pretty good with me...they humor my Auntie moments of kissing and hugging too much. I think the fact that I live far away helps. They don't have to deal with it that much! Mandi and Eric's kids barely know me...but I feel we will be good friends in the future when they want vacations! I will be the cool aunt then.

I'm tired and I need to read some Updike before sleep.

Meryl is in by the heater in J's office...curled up, feeling awful. Man...that's really how I spent a lot my college years. I feel for her.

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Monday, March 16, 2009

Blank

My cat is sick. I took her to the vet and she has kidney stones. Poor thing. She's been bleeding for 2 days. I feel bad for her. $300 later, she's home and hiding under our bed. I wish she could talk...not sure that I'd want to hear everything she has to say (she's not a huge fan of me), but to know that she's hurting would be helpful.

Had my first day at work. Just 2 hours...watched a safety video and got my badge. Cute pic! I was exhausted when I got home. I didn't sleep well at all last night. Took a 2 hour nap and now I just feel out of it.

I'm writing so that there's something here, but I'm blank as to what to say...and nothing on my mind is very interesting at this point. My chest feels heavy and I just need to sit and relax a minute.

More tomorrow.

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Saturday, March 14, 2009

Religulous

Just watched this "documentary" by Bill Maher. I understand what he's trying to say, but I don't agree at all in which he does it. I don't believe in making people look stupid or feel foolish because of what they believe. He has so many cuts and edits--he basically shows you what he wants to show you. "I'm smarter than all of these people." It's not convincing. It's disrespectful. He interviews the most extreme people...and those who don't represent their religion well. I had a really hard time with that. The point of the entire film was that he wanted people to doubt. That's fine...questioning is a good thing. He also wanted to show how much blood shed there has been over religion. I agreed with him, but that was a small part of the movie. It was frustrating for me to watch. I try to watch things and put myself in others' shoes. How would I react to this had I been "represented" in this movie? I probably wouldn't finish it. He'll lose too many viewers. The fact that he calls it a documentary is a joke. It's just Bill promoting his ideas in whatever ways he can. I didn't learn anything...just that he doesn't believe in God and he wants anyone who does to feel ignorant. Granted...he really chose some very strange people...some real whackos--it was painful to watch actually.

That's not going to reach anyone. At least, it didn't reach me. I already doubt--this just made me lose respect for him...not for those he interviewed.

Am I too sensitive? Could be. Or maybe I've seen too many people try to prove their point by making others feel foolish. I've done this plenty in my life. I guess two hours of looking in the mirror wasn't a positive experience for me.


15 minutes later---

OR! Maybe I should've just watched it with a sense of humor! Geesh! I do take some things too seriously. He is a comic after all...

Friday, March 13, 2009

too much coffee

Ok, so 2 days have passed and I didn't write. It's almost like they slipped by me somehow. I was so proud of myself for writing every day too. Damn. Anyway. I found a job. They found me actually. I start Tuesday. It's an admin/office mgr for the IT group inside of Xerox. I'll know more later...but I think it will suit me just fine.

Today I heard from an old friend. It's amazing how we can lose touch with people--no matter how close you were at one time. I hate that. She and I were super tight through jr. high and high school--even college. She's seen probably the freak Valerie too much...I can imagine losing touch might have had something to do with that. But, today she emailed me and I was thrilled. I struggle with my bonds with people. I've done a great job at keeping up with most people and my best girlfriends I've known most of my life. But there are a few people that slipped--maybe because they wanted to--that haunt me. Are there seasonal friends? I don't like that concept. The people that drift in and out of your life. As soon as I love someone, I just want to hold on to them forever. I think that's why I've tried so hard with my ex boyfriends...well, most of them. I've dated some of my favorite people (with a couple exceptions) and the thought of not knowing them is too much. I have a tendency to hold on to everyone and it is tiring. At times, I hold on too tightly...and I wear myself out. Dustin and I talk about this. He has times where he practically spring cleans his friendships. He takes stock in them and decides who is healthy and who isn't. I think that's good. I should probably do that, but I feel like I was probably one of the unhealthy ones at one point and feel badly about giving up. I've done some pretty shitty things in my day. REALLY. Gosh, it's horrible. I feel badly still. But, you have to let yourself grow and learn. I've forgiven a lot...and have been forgiven. I don't want to be wasted though. I do get tired of ALWAYS being the person to reach out. Some of my friends just aren't good at it and I know this about them. I also know they need me to do it, so I do. I don't want to be forgotten...and I'd love to tell those who've drifted away that I may not talk to them, but I think about them constantly. There are only a couple of people that I've completely CUT OUT of my life and don't care to speak to again. When I'm done, I'm done. But it takes a lot.

I've been sitting here typing for over an hour. I need a shower. I've already been to the store--so I'm accomplished this morning. Now...I need to clean...my body and this apt. (I know...OCD--but the starting of the job will help this!)

More later...I'm manic today.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Anchors Away!

So, this may be a quick post because I'm tired. Had an interview today that went really well. It looks as though I'll get the offer tomorrow. I think it's a good move. It's basically an EA position/office mgr for an IT group that supports Xerox. It's a 10 min commute and my new boss seems very nice. He's overwhelmed...I'm used to dealing with that. It will be nice to help him out.

I came home and cleaned up a bit--then watched The West Wing all day. It was fun to see all the buildings I'd just seen! Also found some old friends on FB. It had been getting on my nerves...but every now and again, FB is so great!! It really has allowed me to find so many people that have been on my mind for years. Very cool.

I'm tired tonight. Not sure why. My emotions got the better of me. Getting job means it's real. Our move is in a final stage. I'll have a day to day engagement I have to keep. I've been floating above this thing we've done. Accepting an offer feels like throwing out the anchor. We're going to sit here for a while...bobbing along...seeing where it all takes us.

Monday, March 09, 2009

On love and other difficulties

Today--I've been tired. I took a shower, but then got right back into my comfy pants and a sweatshirt. Really attractive. The weekend wore me out. It was needed. We both feel that way. J said, he too has had issues concentrating today. We feel rejuvenated emotionally, but physically exhausted. DC was great. Seeing Reva sing again...I actually got choked up. I've known her since she was in jr. high. I love that she's doing what loves. I can tell it's tiring. You see movies about people who soul search and figure out what they want to do...then there's a montage of them painting, writing, whatever--and they look so full of energy and smiley! However, I feel that it must be exhausting. She sang straight pretty much for 2+ hours. She's performing...and playing...and singing...and thinking...and all at the last show of her tour. I'd drop after that. But she came out and talked with those who were so excited to see her. It meant so much for me to be there that I was at a loss for words. I think I described the performance as "good"--how awful!! I felt inspired and in love...and I couldn't come up with a damn thing to say to my old friend. I should have said, "Just seeing you up there fixed something in me that's been broken lately." But I didn't say that. Damn.

Today, I watched Breathless, the french film Dewey recommended to me. It was odd...I'd been reading some Rilke poetry (just last week!) and it was mentioned in the movie. "Rilke believed that every day life got in the way of the love of man and woman..." I'm totally paraphrasing it. But I can see the point there.

Jason and I had a lot of talk time on the road. It was good for us. We've both been struggling with some things and it was good to finally bring them to light. We love and we try...and we laugh. The laughing helps a lot. We're good friends. He's a good friend to me. He does things for me because I need them. Like driving for 15 hours this weekend to go to DC. We stayed with a friend of mine--who I dated in another lifetime, but J was fine with it. P is someone who I have history with and who knows my family...and has allowed me to grow. We only dated a brief time 10 years ago--I was extremely young and impressionable. (It was VERY much like the relationship between Steve Martin and Claire Danes in Shopgirl--but we've grown from that time.) Our friendship has done a lot for me. He's my "escape from the world" person. Many times in my life when I didn't know where else to go, he's allowed me to stay at his place, roam around DC independently and reflect on life. The fact that J is able to understand that is pretty amazing. I'd been feeling trapped lately...but J reminded me that I'm not.

In a way, this weekend was a way for J to see a part of my life that's always been just mine. I usually travel to see people alone--esp P. When Reva sang, we sat apart...just experiencing it alone. He loved it and we listened to her cd over and over on the way back. He just allowed me to do what I needed. The heavy heart I've had for the past few weeks is so much lighter now.

Tomorrow- I'll share some Rilke. I just picked up the book again and am engrossed. More to come.

Friday, March 06, 2009

Soul Cages

I'm just waiting on Jason to say he's ready. I've talked him into a quick road trip to DC to see Reva play. It would be so good to see/hear her. It's been...3 or 4 years since I've seen her last. Jason and I were very new then.

Been in contact with a lot of old friends lately. It's nice. In a way it's like playing connect the dots with your own timeline. People who knew you WAY back when...catching up to know. Seeing how people have matured, what they've seen, what you have in common that you'd have no idea you would! and realizing you still like them. (That's nice.)

Road trips are great. I downloaded a ton of new music. (The new U2 album, some old Doobie Brothers, Pink Floyd, new PASTE mag cds, Sting, Joan Osborne...good stuff!!!) Love it. New music, new terrain, new/old conversations with new revelations.

This weekend should fill my soul tank...it's felt empty lately. Time alone with J, hearing Reva's songs...hearing Paul laugh...it'll be good for me.

I'll have stories to tell when I return.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Naked

My friend Lisa called today to say she was thinking about me. She said she wanted to start making more of an effort to let her friends know she was thinking of them. (Thank God I'm one of those people!)It's been a while since we've talked every day. Years. It's hard for me to answer the phone when I'm in one of my moods. A mood that ruled my life in college and that I'm pretty much sick of. I worry that I don't represent myself well. In fact, it is hard not to want to crawl into a hole when you feel as if you are not where you want to be in your life. Some are able to stroll through each day with ease. When I'm working--even in a creative-killing corporate environment, I allow myself to roll with it. I'm doing other things...thinking constantly about what's in front of me. In times of unemployment, I am given too much time to think--much like in college. (Should've been studying, I realize, but too late now.) I have thoughts I think every day--which bore me, but seem to haunt me. They are surface worries about if there are dishes in the sink, if I see dust that needs disappear, if the floor needs vacuuming, if the apt. looks enough like me. Every day I think that stuff. It's boring. It's the death of my poetic self. When dealing with me, I've always found myself fun to be around...adventurous, ready to do always do something spontaneous and illogical...funny and experimental--but there also lies the dark side. We all have it and for some reason, I always get afraid of showing it off. In college, I relished it and became captive. I can't imagine having wanted to be around it. And in the cases of friendships that I still have from that time, Lisa being one, it is hard when they call and I wonder if it puts them off to hear that certain tone in my voice. My "life is fine, but I'm not fully feeling what I want to feel today or doing all I want to do...I'm living a day that won't have any special meaning to it. It'll be a day that isn't worth journaling about and where I didn't feel as if I stretched my mind at all" tone.

I feel that I must have been born to do something creative and completely self indulgent!! No one is thinking those things...and I'm obsessed over it. And before you think I'm depressed, I'm not. I know when I am chemically off and I'm not. Honestly haven't been for a long time.

I feel comfortable when a friend calls with that certain lost tone in their voice. AH! Someone I can help by listening. When they call and they are happy and all is well, I feel naked and embarrassed as if I have nothing to offer them. I can be happy for them...but what else can I give? When they are ill, or confused, or really questioning something--I feel as if I am good at being that friend. Maybe I should think about that more--career wise. I feel good about myself when I've helped someone go through something that they thought they may have to do alone. Feeling as alone and foolishly dark as I did in college really made me extremely empathetic to those who go through anything. During the time when Carrie was ill, I felt as if I had a gift to be able to comfort her parents and those who were there. I remember Sarah's mom telling me that I should work for hospice. It was one of the kindest things anyone had told me. My mother told me in jr. high that I'd be the type to throw someone in the water, just so I could rescue them out again. Interesting. Maybe back then...but not now.

I meant for this blog to be about friendship...and again, it's become ramblings of someone who has more time to think about herself than anyone else. I'm definitely searching. Blogging helps at least put it out there. I keep looking at my girl friends for answers. How do they live? How are they coping? Do they think these things? Do they struggle too? Am I the only one bad at this?!