Wednesday, November 18, 2009
I met great girlfriends there. I loved the huge campus and the ability to meet women that really shaped my life. I loved my time on the KU campus. It was my first time being on my own--there's really nothing in life like that. It makes you feel so incredibly alive!! Even the painful times were great learning experiences. I wish many things. I wish I'd been more serious about school. I always struggled with that. I put all of my thoughts and time into my social life--and my feelings about people. I was ignorant of the lasting effects of marginal grades. I'm officially the one in my family with the least amount of education. Everyone has their Masters or their JD. I would love to get a Masters but I screwed myself in college. My second semester of my freshman year landed me a 1.9 GPA. Unreal. It basically screwed me for the next 4 years. It's possible for me to still get my Masters but I'll have to retake classes. I'm going to have to bite the bullet and get it done someday.
My mind is all over today. If I stay at home until Zoë is 6...that's 6 years of time when I could be improving myself! We'll see how it goes. Raising a child well is quite the job in itself. I'm looking forward to it. It's a daunting task--and I have freak outs about it. I worry that I will want to shield her too much. I don't want her to be naive...but I don't want her to have the worries I had either. What a paranoid little person I was...such a worry wart!! I would love her to be a balanced teen and young adult instead of how I was--full of anxiety and very self obsessed. Not a good mix.
At least one lesson she can learn from me is that it is possible to make mistakes, hurt people and go through a "dark period" and still find happiness. There is someone out there who will love you...and all of your baggage (or who might have some matching baggage)--and who will bring balance to your life. It is possible that it all can work out--but you have to take the necessary steps and not continue down the spiral. You do eventually have to take responsibility and make the choice to be happy--and not a victim. But wow...it's hard to do.
Monday, November 16, 2009
We had a virtual shower on Saturday night. My friend Becky put it together. Lots of people sent cards with good wishes and advice...and recipes!! We got a lot of nice things. The girl is set up for clothes for a bit!! That's good.
The weather was great yesterday, but today...the cold has started to set in. I'm excited for the first snow--if our leaves are done. We have so many trees! The snow will put a nice new look on things. I got a Baby's First Christmas ornament--it's adorable. It has a mommy and daddy snowman holding a baby snowman with 2009 on her little cap. I need to remember if we have another baby to be just as good with the gifts of significance. I was #2 and my baby book isn't even half full whereas Wendy's is bursting at the seams! There is a lot of pressure (that I create) to make things so perfect for her. To make sure she is happy...and uncomplicated and secure. I even talked to Jason last night that we shouldn't burp in front of her. (Being pg has me burping a bit...really attractive) I don't want her to think, "uhh...Mommy's gross!" I also don't want anything stressful around her. (these are BIG wishes...and I see disappointment in my future.)
I need to write things down for her so I remember...things I want for her. I feel that time will get away from me and I will forget.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
I'm ready for the little hands and toes...ready to see someone who looks like Jason and Valerie. Ready to see her personality and to see Jason as a daddy. :) Very sweet. (really looking forward to that.) She will most likely be a daddy's girl. That's fine.
12 more days until I start working from home. CAN'T WAIT. People make me cranky and I feel guilty for being a cranky pregnant lady. I'm suppose to be glowing and smiling and sweet. Umm...not so much. I want to tell people who need headsets and more coffee and more envelopes and more office space and meetings in certain conference rooms to suck it.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Baby is starting her descent. It's not the most comfortable feeling. In fact, it makes me feel as if my crotch is full of lead. Nice, eh?
Today I'm going to a doctor about a breathing issue I've had for years, but that is starting to really bother me. I seem to stop breathing at night. It sounds like sleep apnea, but I don't fit the mold for that. All I know is that I wake up struggling to breath and panic--then my throat starts to close (more panicking) and then I use the inhaler that I just got last week. It seems to work. I'm starting to get nervous about going to sleep! It can happen during naps or during the night. It's scary.
This Saturday Jason and I go to infant/toddler CPR. Next Saturday is the 8 hour birthing class. That should make Jason significantly more nervous than he's starting to be. He's been sick--so we're keeping our distance from each other. That sucks.
Last weekend his sisters threw me a baby shower in Cleveland. I will admit, I was hesitant about it--I'm not so much a shower girl. It was actually a really nice time! Jason and his dad came, so that helped. I also made him sit right next to me so not everyone was staring at me only. (I get stage fright!) Baby got lots of cute stuff!! The games were good (I'm not usually a fan of those either) and the food was yummo! It was very sweet of everyone. My family isn't so much into showers and such--so it was a nice change of pace.
She is REALLY moving around right now...it's such an odd feeling. Her little toes are pressing up against my ribs--cute toes, but more cute when they will be out!!
Totally unrelated side note about TV:
Some new shows are really working for me!! Flash Forward and The Good Wife. I'm really enjoying those shows!!
Monday, October 26, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Today, I feel that my belly has grown 2 inches outward. It's heavy and tight...and I didn't sleep at all last night. So, today--with my boss being gone--it is WAY too slow and I'm daydreaming of relaxing on my bed. I'm trying to think of ways to escape. No one would even know I was gone! Or rather, they wouldn't care.
My energy is low and my creative juices are at an all time low. Boring blogs might be worse than no blogs at all. I'm sure I'll be hit by some insightful thoughts that I'll want to share...but for now...I'm marveling at this huge belly and how active this little girl is!! She seems to be sleeping right now of course--sure didn't sleep when I was trying to sleep. Who's team is she on??? If she came early, that would be a blessing. I want my body back and I want to meet her. We can't have very much fun with her in there...
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
We're getting the kitchen and office/den painted today. I can't wait to go home and see what it looks like. Jason has impressed me with his sense of color--it was his idea to accent a wall in the kitchen to a gorgeous blue color. He's all about color though, he can't stand white. Hopefully we like the colors...they were picked in a bit of a rush. We ended mixing some colors we felt were too "white"--so now I need to be creative as to how to use them. Man, paint is expensive!
I've become a boring home owner...I can't think of anything to write that would be interesting. I don't feel like ranting about "Birthers" at this point...or venting my frustrations about family--what's the point. I chalk a lot of my irritation up to the pregnancy.
Baby is doing well--I'm suppose to gain up to 11 lbs this month. I have about 80 days to go. I made it to the 3rd trimester...and am ready to meet her already. I have minor freak outs--thinking it's too much and I won't be able to do it...and that I'm scared of how my life is going to change forever. Then, I'll wake up and be ready to see her...and love her and I can't wait. It's odd. I signed J and I up for about 4 different classes at the hospital. Lots of information...he thrives on information. It will be good. We've been focusing on lots of other things and these classes will remind us that a baby is actually coming in December.
Fall has arrived. The trees are starting to get a bit painted, but we have a ways to go. I'm ready for glowing pumpkins and family coming around. I'm ready to decorate the house for each holiday!
I'm also ready for a nap. I will blame my insane lack of creativity on fatigue.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
more bitching later...because i'm in that stage right now. bitchy pregnant lady. happy to be pregnant, but man...REALLY raw emotionally!!
Thursday, September 10, 2009
We have the house, but are not in it yet. We are slowly moving our lives over. It's a new beginning. I'm excited to have our home. I'm excited for us to have our little family. We are a rare breed of couple that agree on practically everything when it comes to decorating and how we want our house to look. I won't say that I have good taste...I will say that his taste matches mine and it seems to be good--or it's at least a good vision. We've also decided on a name for the girl. I'm happy about that, too! It's fun to call her by name. It's nice to have our little corner of the planet. It's beautiful here. It's peaceful. It's quiet, it's balanced and calm...and we are happy. These are all things I've searched for my entire life--esp in my 20s. I quiver at my 20s and the hell I put myself through...and those who dared to love me during that time. I wish I could send out either "thank you" or "I'm sorry" postcards to certain people. I just have to hope they will think of me partially fondly.
(I need to forgive myself for that time period...I talk about it too much.)
The most interesting people to me are those that struggled and rose from it all! I have a bit to go, but I feel much better about it all. Jason is a good reflection of my life. I like him. We have a good understanding of the other's life. We have similar backgrounds...and we have patience with things when the other does not.
I'm just rambling here. If I didn't write about this, I'm afraid I would've gone off about the political views flying in my office today that I'm completely annoyed with...and that would be such a negative blog.
In the meantime, this link is pretty funny!!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
After the concert, there was such a feeling of being a part of something big. Everyone poured out of the park onto the streets--they don't have parking in or nearby. The streets were bulging with people on both sides for probably miles. They flooded the train station, so we ended up walking and eventually catching a very empty and welcomed bus. I was exhausted and my feet were starting to ache. The alternative of waiting for probably hours at a train station, so I did not complain.
I have much on my mind today, but it's almost too much effort to write it all out. Let's just say the lessons I can pass on to my daughter seem to be piling up lately. I need to start a little book.
This is too vague...maybe I'll have the energy to expand tomorrow.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Christmas music gives me a false sense of security. I'll take it.
I hope I'm able to provide little Vidmar with memories that will take her through life. Hopefully she'll have many she can tap into when she needs to. I fully intend on making the holidays a big deal for her. I'd love for her to be surrounded by family and friends. I keep daydreaming about my house. That might be materialistic...but really...just thinking of the times we will create there. The feeling she'll have when she returns from college or with her own children. (Granted, we might not have the same house, but who knows.) That's another thing...people switch houses a lot now. My mom and dad have had their houses forever...and I have memories growing up there. It would be a different feeling if we didn't have those ties. Life is changing for our generation though. We all have to move to find jobs, etc...staying in one house for 40 years isn't as possible as it used to be. Maybe this is why we should focus on traditional meals--if the food is there...maybe the feeling will follow.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
Speaking of being a mom--I keep having mini freak outs about it. I worry that I'll be too stern...that I won't remember what it was like to be a kid. Actually, my problem would be that I would remember too much and be overly concerned about what she does. (I know what I did) Jason was such a good boy...I can see him being more relaxed. I'm very aware of my past mistakes and annoyances--I don't want her to go through the messes I did. I was slow to mature...slow to realize how to take care of things...or how to be truly a good friend. I learned so much from the women who are now mothers...fitting.
I'm working on being more calm, not letting little things set me off. I've become so uptight since I've been married. I wonder why that is? It's almost like I have a vision of what I'm suppose to be and I'm cramming myself into that. I don't like that model. I need to just be who I am. Jason married me for ME...not for someone he thought I'd turn into.
I have a lot of soul searching to do. I'm excited for what I might find. I just started reading Maya Angelou's book, "Letter to my Daughter" and find it really helpful. I just want to be in some sort of weekly meeting with wise women talking about all the lessons they've learned. Maya has some good points that I'll need to remember.
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
When I was a very young girl...maybe 9, my mom bought me the Mr. Worry book. I worried about everything...I need to go dig that up. It's sad to know that I haven't changed. Mom says that worrying is a way of sending out a silent prayer. Interesting thought.
Hold your loved ones close today.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
We had a long weekend of in law bbq's. It went fine, although I kept sitting down and not moving. I also wasn't as social as I should have been...AND I had a bit of an oops by telling some young ladies the advice my mother gave me growing up-- in front of my mother in law--"my mom told me not to get married until you're at least 30 (which she was fine with...). She also said you should sleep with them first. (she didn't like that so much.) Oops. I wasn't talking to any virgins that I know of at the time. Maybe she was upset because one of the girls is sleeping with her youngest son--she's not thrilled about that. I wasn't encouraging teen sex! I was encouraging sex before marriage...that's different.
Least to say, I'm not sure I was a huge hit.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Speaking about another thing that I've been thinking about this week--Jason and I witnessed a duck being hit on Saturday. It was pouring rain on Jackson road and the car didn't see the little guy. I turned around and saw him fluttering around while his 7 bros and sisters came out to help him--this caused me to literally fall apart and I bawled for a good 15 minutes. Jason (my hero), got out in the rain and moved the duck out of the road to safety. He stood by him to see if he was ok and I called around to different animal hospitals to see if they could take him--to no avail really. I did get a hold of one lady who said to put him into a box. The duck regained consciousness and waddled (pretty quickly) across the street into some bushes. Jason and I went home, found a box and came back to see if we could help him further. Jason was soaked through...and very concerned about mr. duck. (this is an image I will file away to tell his child) When we got back, the lady who owned the property said that she'd raised the ducks since they were ducklings and she'd watch after him.
We talked about mr. duck for the rest of the weekend...wondering if he was ok. It's sad to see something so helpless. But on a happier note, it's great to see the guy you love go above and beyond what most people would do. What a fine guy I have.
This weekend is blueberry picking time!! I'll try to get some good picks. I need a nice blueberry muffin recipe!
Thursday, July 09, 2009
The point I'm trying to make is that so many felt that way about Michael...I love his music and I never believed the crap--just felt sorry for him, it was obvious he needed someone to take care of him. The fact that he's leaving such young children is heartbreaking. Will these kids ever have normal lives? The press will surely follow them just as much. Hopefully they will be surrounded by family and loved.
I'm tired today...had to snooze a bit at lunch and it made my lunch run long...oops. No one really seemed to notice. Baby is sucking up all of my energy. My ultrasound was changed, so now I find out on July 29th as to whether baby V is a girl or boy. If it is a boy, I'm sure I'll hear the hoops and hollers from Cleveland all the way here. :)
Monday, July 06, 2009
I'm exhausted today! Last night I got home, took a shower and crashed. When will the fatigue end? Mandi called today...she's having a boy!! I find out in 3 weeks. I can't wait. I feel like it's a boy, not that I know what that feels like...but it's just a feeling.
It's been raining every day for days. It makes the trees very green and the flowers stay pretty,but man...it gets tiring. The mountains were rainy and cool--still beautiful. It didn't affect our stay at all. Having a cabin helped. I love to tent, but worrying about tent leaks are a pain.
I can feel the baby move now. That is a crazy feeling! It's like they are wanting to communicate with you somehow. Baby V likes Michael Jackson songs I found out...and John Coltrane. Good taste.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
So, yesterday, Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcet died. Unreal. I knew Farrah was close...she'd had a long battle. Michael was a surprise....and the media was all over it. It dominated most stations. He was only 50. I have a lot of thoughts about Michael...and whom others call Whacko Jacko (which I hate)--but I'm not sure I have the energy to get into it right now. I will say that he seemed frozen in time...at 10 years old...and that all of his money made him a target and untouchable. He needed thereapy--obviously. He needed to grow up...but something seemed to happen to him, not sure I want to know what would cause him to be so emotionally stunted. I don't believe he hurt anyone, I do believe he didn't understand why having friends 30 years younger was a problem. But, it was. I hope he is remembered for his music. I love his music. I hope all the rest will be outshined by all the good.
We should all try to remember the good in others...if possible, I think.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
I'm looking forward to the weekend...I love when you have something to look forward to that pulls you through!! We land in Chicago on Friday night and are immediately going to eat Flat Top, my fave food. I will say, although I love it here...Chicago has good food...and good people...and I'm looking forward to catching up with both.
I haven't seen my friends since I moved...and I'm emotional and I just don't want to be a FREAK and start crying when I see them. (I do this.) But, they'll forgive me, I'm sure... I do a good job of compartmentalizing things so that I don't sit around missing people. Not that I'm cold, I just am too attached and literally will work myself into a funk. But, then when I see people, it all comes rushing forward and spills out. There are worse things than people knowing how you feel about them.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Thursday, June 04, 2009
Random--the Brach's MilkMaid Royals...love those things...I just found them in the grocery store this week and am pigging out on them. I'd feel guilty but I lost 3 lbs from last month and so I need to gain some weight back. I really need to start walking! Maybe the weight loss is actually just me losing muscle. Gross.
2 years ago I was on a cruise ship. A year ago I was in NYC. Today, I'm at work. Yuck. The most exciting thing I can think of to do tonight is go see a movie. Maybe Angels and Demons...how romantic.
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Friday, May 08, 2009
hearing a basketball bouncing on pavement
the sound of track meets--annoucements over the loud speaker
crickets and frogs at night
the smell of coppertone
anything from U2 War
smell of hot black top
a car scratching it's bumper on a dip
track spikes on cement
(i loved track season...i wasn't any good, but my friends were)
gym shoes squeaking on a gym floor
the squeaking of a swing set
the smell of gasoline
the smell of noxema
the sound of a boat engine taking in some water
(i miss the lake)
the sound of a tent zipper
I can hear all the sounds of my grandparents' houses...the doors when they opened and shut...everything. Also...the sounds of St. John...the whistle is a big one. I can hear so many things I grew up listening to. It's amazing. Life used to be so simple.
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
I wake up at 7am...filled with energy and a good feeling about the day. I cleaned the apt last night, so now I can relish in the cleanliness of it! Jason set the coffee to brew and I can smell it throughout the house. It's sunny. It's warm. I'm not in the least bit fatigued and sit down to finally read a book on the couch...
That's the start. Unfortunately, it's now how today is going and I'm exhausted...so I'll have to write more of it later. How sad!!
Friday, May 01, 2009
This weekend our goal is to do a lot of cleaning and relaxing. Can't wait. There's nothing like cleaning the crap out of your place and then just relaxing in the Pledge fumes. (Maybe that's only me??)
Thursday, April 30, 2009
2. Umbrella (most of the time it's in the car...but I heard it's going to rain at 4pm)
3. 1/4 bag of Skittles
4. 5 different kinds of lipstick/gloss.
5. travel toothbrush (from the weekend)
6. Banana Boat sublock--30.
7. RGE and Oakmonte bills
8. a hairband
9. two moist towletts from a wings place we ate at in Buffalo last Friday.
10. my change purse
11. ipod with headphones
13. old receipts crumpled at the bottom
Kind of boring...not sure you can tell too much about me. hmmm.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
The trees are in bloom here. I love the little white blossoms that make all the trees so pretty around here. And the flowers have bloomed outside of our apartment. Somewhere, Bambi and his friends are running around the forest talking about Spring and all that occurs--Feline will soon be in the picture. (I find it funny that I relate most things in life to a movie--as if it is a memory of my own...or a reality from my childhood.) Spring always reminds me of Bambi.
I have so much on my mind, but I can't write about it yet. Soon....
Thursday, April 23, 2009
I woke up to the news of the Craig's List killer. He looks like someone I would've gone to high school with. He looks harmless. It's scary. I realize people said this of Ted Bundy...but that was before my time. This guy, Phillip Markoff, is someone I would've talked to in a bar or would've someone from who I'd ask directions. That's someone's son. That's what's awful. He was an innocent baby...who later killed someone else's innocent baby. I just don't understand. With that news and the Sunday school teacher who killed the little girl who was friends with her daughter--it makes me want to not watch the news!!
However, waking up to Matt Lauer is a great start to any day...no matter what the news.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
May will be a good month. April brought many showers, so the flowers should be up and happy. The temps should be finally getting up there too. This weekend...80 degrees!! Course, we'll be gone. We're headed to South Beach Florida with Angie and Mike. I'm looking forward to it--just hope I'm feeling better. As I was driving to work today, I felt a great sense of peace. Webster may not be everyone's cup of tea--but Jason and I are really enjoying it. It's quiet here. It's pretty. It's calming. Chicago was almost too cool for me. The hustle and bustle got to me. I really think we're going to enjoy visiting! We're going back in June for a wedding. I'm so excited to see everyone again. It's been such a long time. It's possible that the only people that will visit us are our closest of friends and family. We may have to go visit others before they'd come here. That's ok. I understand. Although--I do feel that we offer a lot and we're so close to a lot of things. Camping season is almost upon us...that's when the lack of friends here will become extremely apparent.
So many things to look forward to. I'm happy.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
I had a mini-fight this morning and I'm still reeling from it. I just want to go home and crawl in bed.
There is a balance I need to find that will make me a strong, well spoken woman. People will know how not to talk to me and I will be able to express myself to them without my heart beating out of my throat.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
I need to be careful not to become a mother hen. However, everyone has their limit...and it seems that some companies push people to reach it not matter what. Unrealistic deadlines. I feel that's a big component.
I just heard people discussing whether they could sleep in here or not. I just can't imagine. Of course, mothers have sleepless nights all of the time--they pull the same kind of hours.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
But I will anyway.
BIG Businesses annoy me. In my smaller offices, getting a phone, adding software to my computer, even getting a light changed was a simple process. Here, you have to call into a help desk and fill out a ton of forms for anything! I miss the days of the IT guy showing up at my desk and just installing whatever I need. Also, I'm doing it for 45 people. I'm dealing with it right now and it's making for a very long day. See, I told you it would be boring.
Sunday, April 05, 2009
2. please close your mouth when you eat popcorn.
3. It's not a place to hang out with your teen friends...go to the mall.
4. Whisper means usually only 2 people can hear what you're saying.
5. If you giggle during sex scenes, you might be too young to see them.
Went to the movies--saw Knowing. It was entertaining, but we sat next to a group of about 10 tweens. Jason and I are too polite to say something. Man, could've used either Dustin or Amanda to shut them up!!
Friday, April 03, 2009
In the news--Madonna was denied her adoption. Interesting. She's put in tons of money for building a school and towards an orphanage in South Africa. Unfortunately, that was used against her as some felt that due to those advantages, the 4 year old girl would be better taken care of. Most likely she'll fight it. I want to adopt. I wouldn't mind starting the process now. Hopefully that's something that will eventually happen.
I've been having horrible dreams. 2 nights ago I dreamt that my father died. I cried all night it seemed. Michael had told me the story of her father dying that day, that's most likely where I got that. It still spurred me to write Dad and tell him I love him. Then, last night, I dreamt about my first love, Jay. I dream about him more than any guy I've dated....probably because he created my standard of romantic love. He was so young...I was younger. I loved the fierce passion he had for me and how incredibly romantic he was. (Of course, with fierce passion can come jealousy and such, but we dealt with that.) The poems and flowers and constant crazy acts of love have been unparalleled. It might have ruined me actually. Most men aren't as romantic. (though I have run into one more who was) It sets expectations too high. At times, I do believe Jay created a monster...but I'll live with that. I'm a passionate girl. Most blame it on my movie watching, but I don't. I think it's in your blood. You are born with it. It's a gift and it's inspiring. I don't think all of that has to be because you're young--I believe it can live as long as you do. People seek it out. Whether they know it or not, I believe we yearn for it--it just makes life sweeter and more vivid. That's why The Notebook was so successful! And why there are so many movies and songs dealing with first love...passionate love...even love that is scandalous. My favorite movie has scandalous love...The English Patient. I love the passion and the torture. That sounds masochistic. However, even if K wasn't married, I would still love the movie, although, it is a lot of the plot. I loved The Notebook --as cheesy as it is. He so reminds me Jay...and watching it just takes me back. Ugh. So good!!
The one episode of Thirtysomething that stuck with me was when Hope learns of the death of her first love...it really hits her hard. She spends days thinking of how young they were and how she used to feel. All of those emotions are so strong--especially when you are discovering them. It's like nothing else. My niece is going to be 14 soon. It could happen to her in the next couple of years...wow. I'm not talk about sex, but just the overwhelming feelings she'll have. I'm excited for her.
Ok, so dreams may affect me too much.
Thursday, April 02, 2009
In the news...Madonna wants to adopt another baby from South Africa. People are giving her hell for it. Ridiculous. She wants another child to love and provide for, let her do it. Are there children in the US to adopt, yes. However, wherever the child is from...it doesn't matter, it's a child--a person of the world. Between she and Angelina--let them provide for as many as possible if they have the time, heart and the money. The world is struggling to provide...so who cares who does it?!!
I haven't seen any movies lately. I'm going through withdrawal.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
ok, back. It's stands for Hindustan Computers Limited. Here is the wikipedia page if you are interested: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HCL_Technologies
HCL is India’s 4th largest leading global IT Services companies...huh!
Well, their revenue looks pretty good...5 Bil. They could afford some paint. They could afford to pay Xerox to let us use some paint.
Monday, March 30, 2009
I grew up in Small Town, KS. They (Harold, Pat and Michael--my coworker) grew up in Brooklyn. They lived in apt buildings...they walked to get everything they needed...or they took a bus. They didn't have to learn to drive, but did. Pat said she owned a car for a while..."from 1967-71." She said it wasn't for her.
Michael had me driving everywhere. I drove through the Holland tunnel, drove all over tons of neighborhoods...she even took me to Coney Island at 11pm to see the beach in the freezing, wet darkness. She has so much more energy than I do, it's crazy. She's 53 and I was wiped out trying to keep up with her. I love meeting a new type of woman I haven't encountered before. Her beliefs, her energy, her spiritual connection, her attitude--she's from a different mold. It was such a learning experience for me. We grew up in completely different universes and yet...we found tons of things we had in common.
We are all connected...somehow.
More later, I'm pooped.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Jason is staying the night in Owego. Probably better. In these times of chemical off balance, I'd rather be alone. What caused it? I think it was my inability to figure out how to copy a graph from a pdf file into Microsoft Project. I'm suppose to have it done by 10AM tomorrow and I have no idea. I've never even worked in Project. But I'm sure I'll figure it out.
And my husband is irritated that I've decided to take off for the weekend to NYC again. I was there last month. My new co-worker, Michael, lives there--she will eventually move here, but for now, she has a nice house in Brooklyn that she misses and her ride backed out, so I'm taking her. Mostly because I love new experiences...and she's interesting...and I like seeing where people live...and I love NYC...and it's fun to get away. Jason's quarter end is next week, so he'll be busy. Michael says we'll relax. She wants mani's and pedi's (for cheap!), go to see Bus Stop at a local theatre and just enjoy the neighborhood. I was thinking I could hang with Dewey too, but he has yet to contact me. How fun would that be?!!
I also need to be able to look decent in a swimming suit by the end of April. Hmmmm.
Idol is starting soon. It's my saving grace. I'm going to start laundry, put away laundry, clean up the kitchen and swoon over cute Idol boys...and girls, who are we kidding.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
I always think very dark thoughts. What if Jason died...what would I do then? Where would I live....or go? Part of me thinks I'd move back to Lawrence. Jason wasn't there...his ghost wouldn't be following me around--not that that would be a bad thing. Part of me wonders if I'd continue to roam around. Maybe see if Sarah wanted a roommate in Seattle or something. Or, maybe I'd make Dewey have me as a roommate, although he doesn't want one. Or, maybe I'd move overseas. That would be dramatic, but I'm dramatic. I know that immediately, I'd want to be in St. John. I'd still look for something there that I know isn't anymore. The "St. John" feeling. I know there are people who have moved from there that understand what I mean. (Kortney and Becky would know) This is a weird thing to write about.
I know I'm not the only one that constantly thinks about crazy things. How many would come to my funeral. How weird would it be for my family to finally meet some of my friends that she's always heard about. How would it affect each person. I know what it's like to lose a friend...and how it affects me...and how she's constantly around. Not like a haunting...but like she's here and I can see her, but no one else can. I want to talk about her, but now it's like I'm morbid if I bring up her name. I recently found her brother on facebook and I just wanted to talk about her...but I felt like I couldn't because maybe he didn't want to talk about her with me. Interesting that I still haven't used her name. Carrie. I think about her and I wonder if 10 years after my death, others would think of me just as often. I've had her mom's email address for almost a month and I haven't used it. I'm still a bleeding heart sometimes and maybe that's not good for her. I just want to sit and talk about her until she's here in some form.
Maybe this is floating to the top of my mind because I heard about Sylvia Plath's son's suicide. Not that I'm suicidal. It's just---his life is gone. I think about my life being gone. Poof. And Natasha Richardson is gone. Poof. Her kids will grow up without her...and maybe Liam will remarry one day. But, she's gone. Really? People think we don't go anywhere after death? REALLY??! I feel how much energy there is inside me...my thoughts that won't stop, etc--and it's just GONE?
Life is great. But, if we do get to see the people we've lost after we die...the company gets better and better on the other side.
Monday, March 23, 2009
I received my first award--and although it won't be a headline...it made my morning!! (Thanks so much JEN!!!)
The rules of receiving this award are to share seven things I love, and also tell you about seven blogs I love. Well, I don't follow a ton of blogs--I get bored easily, so I will put down the ones that I do allot time for.
7 Things I love:1. Movies. --They are a part of my internal make up. I grew up watching everything. My mom wasn't big on "kids movies"--so she took my sister Wendy and me to movies she was interested in. Therefore, I watched a ton of adult movies at a young age. For example, these are the movies that I remember vividly seeing when I was in grade school: The Color Purple (my mom says that I was transfixed by this movie...I didn't talk or move until it was over), Chariots of Fire (I remember being bored out of my mind), Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan (we went to see this...about 8 times I bet--I wanted to BE Tarzan.), Amadeus (just watched it recently and it wasn't as great as I remembered), Out of Africa (learned to love that more as an adult), Gandhi (my mom's fave) and Passage to Indai (I need to rewatch it). I saw movies that I didn't understand, but that pushed me to try. It helped my creative mind flourish I truly believe. She took us as an escape--but never anything inappropriate, more intellectually out of our range. I am a film snob now...and will probably do that to my kids to other mothers' disapproval I'm sure!
2. Naps. I just can't function as a productive, kind person without them. I literally become mean and lose my short term memory.
3. Laughing. I love laughing and definitely radiate towards people who help me do so. A sense of humor is the #1 thing I look for in people. Some of my favorite people are ones that I just love listening to LAUGH!
4. Camping. I love the outdoors. I love being in a tent--the sounds of birds, the tent zipper, the crickets, the late-arriving guests, the murmur of people still up talking around the campfire--coupled with the smell of it! I love the simplicity of it. I love the talks around the fire, in the canoe, on the hike. I love fixing food with everyone. I love that everyone is dirty and no one cares. I love it all--and I miss it with my Chicago buddies...
5. Toddlers. Sweet, loving, blunt, real, excited, funny and ready to learn. Working at a daycare was the best. Walking in and having them all run to me with smiles and hugs--it doesn't get any better.
6. Modern hair styling tools. --is it shallow? Maybe, but growing up with curly, frizzy hair without any de-frizz serum, flat iron or relaxing cremes REALLY scarred me as a kid. My senior pics are hidden and my Jr. High pics are used as my "do you really love me" test. (Jason passed with flying colors.)
7. Modern Medicine. As someone who has had 2 major surgeries already in her life...Ican't imagine what I would've done without it. My hip replacement gave me my life back...and I'm going to count my vision in there too! I think about what it would be like to being blind without glasses and in too much pain to walk--my life just wouldn't have much joy.
7 Blogs I follow:
(I don't have a ton of friends that blog...and I'm all about pop culture!)
1.Ross Matthews--ok, so it's a celebrity blog, but he makes me laugh. He's always in good mood and I find that refreshing. He doesn't do his daily life blog anymore--sadly, but all of his "talky blogs" are still up for people to see at: http://www.youtube.com/rosstheintern
2. Carolyn- Here's one I know. She has one little one and one on the way. She's blunt and funny...and married to a pal of mine from college. I love to follow her thoughts about this and that. http://supercblogs.blogspot.com/
3. Jane Fonda--yes, THE Jane Fonda...she actually helped inspire me to write every day! She's 71, on Broadway and can find the time! I love her. http://janefonda.com/category/my-blog
4. Kelly--Finally a blog to save the world!! She's one of the blogs I follow over on the right hand side! Click and learn!! http://ordinarilygreen.blogspot.com/
5. Lisa--My girlfriend who shows her life through pictures. I miss her, so I love to go see her world. http://lisabrooksc.blogspot.com/
6. Jen- My savior. If ever I were to read a blog and think, "wow, she's like me!" Ok, no, I don't have kids...but our minds are very similar...and she makes me laugh--or remember to laugh. That's important. http://diagnosisurine.blogspot.com/
7. Rosie-- http://www.rosie.com/ --She's VERY real...and her old talky blogs with JAHERO are HILARIOUS!! She has thoughts and she's going to share them. I really enjoy the tough ladies...reminds me to be strong as well.
I don't know how to do that nifty write a word and have it be the link thingy....obviously.
I got an email this morning that helped my mood--an invitation for a weekend away from the cold!! Originally a girl weekend, when the husbands got wind, they wanted to go too. So, it looks like a South Beach weekend will occur at the end of April. I can't wait. I've only been to Florida once...when I got married. This time, it will undoubtedly be more relaxing!! We did instruct the men to find something else to do during the day so we can have ample girl talk time by the pool. Sunburned and-- let's face it, tipsy, we will meet them for dinner. Although the sun is starting to become more of a friend than an acquaintance lately, it's still not warm. We'll finally hit 62 by the weekend!
Work is helping me not "think" so much. It's nice...my thoughts are more about problem solving for those around me rather than wondering "is there life out there..." I need variation! It still baffles me what I did for the 5 months I didn't work. Yes,the apartment is decorated and clean and somewhat organized...but it's not like I am any better off than I was. (WHY do I feel the need to beat myself up for not having some huge project completed???) I thought I'd have a stack of books that I'd read, but no. It's just so hard for me to resign myself to reading for long periods of time.
Speaking of books I can't finish--I did see Twilight on Saturday night. Hmmm. Visually, it was something to enjoy--beautiful in parts. Edward was stimulating...to look at, to understand and connect to, it just didn't happen. Bella was just awful. She actually kept me from really enjoying the movie at all. She was dull and lifeless. Overall, a disappointment. I was looking forward to it, too. This makes it even more difficult to find the motivation to finish the book, damn.
Friday, March 20, 2009
I do have a nice manager. That's huge. I've worked for some crazy creepy people before. Men are easier to work for--but women are easier to work alongside. (In my opinion) I've had some great women managers before...but they are all business. They were probably better at the professionalism aspect. I want someone I can be real with--I'm not the most professional gal. I like to have real connections at work. Jason has found friends at work by luck...but doesn't EVER seek them out. He's all business. He needed me in his life. We can be a good balance.
It's the first day of Spring and it's still damn chilly outside. That pisses me off.
(title ref. 9 to 5)
Thursday, March 19, 2009
I'm saddened by Natasha Richardson's death. I find it somewhat interesting that we feel for people we've never met. My dad was really shaken over Tim Russert's death. We see people on stage and screen and somehow we feel connected to them. I know that when Paul McCartney dies it will be hard. He's been such a constant source of joy in my life. When something like that happens, my mom, sister and I all call each other as if one of our close friends has died. We've gone to the movies our entire lives--it's like we have mutual friends. I actually think about Liam Neeson and how he's doing. Is that weird?
The job is going well. I feel like I'm a house mother. I make sure everyone has what they need, I make sure we have enough coffee, cups, pens, paper, if the printer works, if the scanner works, if the email is up, what desk each person is sitting at, if there are enough cubes for everyone, etc!!! I like it. It's busy...and it makes the day FLY by. Everyone is very nice to me...and they know I have the power to either get things done for them quickly--or not! I'm the Key Master AND the Gate Keeper!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Today was my first full day. It was successful. I can tell because I'm tired. I came home and watched 3 episodes of The West Wing and called Mackenzie to hear her open her presents! 4 years old today. Ugh. I hate to miss those things. I watched a video yesterday of Kendra turning 4. They all have to grow up. True, we get amazing adults, but I love the babies...and the toddlers a lot. They think you're great...they say what they think and they love you because you are good to them and spend time with them. It's simple. Kendra and Derek are still pretty good with me...they humor my Auntie moments of kissing and hugging too much. I think the fact that I live far away helps. They don't have to deal with it that much! Mandi and Eric's kids barely know me...but I feel we will be good friends in the future when they want vacations! I will be the cool aunt then.
I'm tired and I need to read some Updike before sleep.
Meryl is in by the heater in J's office...curled up, feeling awful. Man...that's really how I spent a lot my college years. I feel for her.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Had my first day at work. Just 2 hours...watched a safety video and got my badge. Cute pic! I was exhausted when I got home. I didn't sleep well at all last night. Took a 2 hour nap and now I just feel out of it.
I'm writing so that there's something here, but I'm blank as to what to say...and nothing on my mind is very interesting at this point. My chest feels heavy and I just need to sit and relax a minute.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
That's not going to reach anyone. At least, it didn't reach me. I already doubt--this just made me lose respect for him...not for those he interviewed.
Am I too sensitive? Could be. Or maybe I've seen too many people try to prove their point by making others feel foolish. I've done this plenty in my life. I guess two hours of looking in the mirror wasn't a positive experience for me.
15 minutes later---
OR! Maybe I should've just watched it with a sense of humor! Geesh! I do take some things too seriously. He is a comic after all...
Friday, March 13, 2009
Today I heard from an old friend. It's amazing how we can lose touch with people--no matter how close you were at one time. I hate that. She and I were super tight through jr. high and high school--even college. She's seen probably the freak Valerie too much...I can imagine losing touch might have had something to do with that. But, today she emailed me and I was thrilled. I struggle with my bonds with people. I've done a great job at keeping up with most people and my best girlfriends I've known most of my life. But there are a few people that slipped--maybe because they wanted to--that haunt me. Are there seasonal friends? I don't like that concept. The people that drift in and out of your life. As soon as I love someone, I just want to hold on to them forever. I think that's why I've tried so hard with my ex boyfriends...well, most of them. I've dated some of my favorite people (with a couple exceptions) and the thought of not knowing them is too much. I have a tendency to hold on to everyone and it is tiring. At times, I hold on too tightly...and I wear myself out. Dustin and I talk about this. He has times where he practically spring cleans his friendships. He takes stock in them and decides who is healthy and who isn't. I think that's good. I should probably do that, but I feel like I was probably one of the unhealthy ones at one point and feel badly about giving up. I've done some pretty shitty things in my day. REALLY. Gosh, it's horrible. I feel badly still. But, you have to let yourself grow and learn. I've forgiven a lot...and have been forgiven. I don't want to be wasted though. I do get tired of ALWAYS being the person to reach out. Some of my friends just aren't good at it and I know this about them. I also know they need me to do it, so I do. I don't want to be forgotten...and I'd love to tell those who've drifted away that I may not talk to them, but I think about them constantly. There are only a couple of people that I've completely CUT OUT of my life and don't care to speak to again. When I'm done, I'm done. But it takes a lot.
I've been sitting here typing for over an hour. I need a shower. I've already been to the store--so I'm accomplished this morning. Now...I need to clean...my body and this apt. (I know...OCD--but the starting of the job will help this!)
More later...I'm manic today.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
I came home and cleaned up a bit--then watched The West Wing all day. It was fun to see all the buildings I'd just seen! Also found some old friends on FB. It had been getting on my nerves...but every now and again, FB is so great!! It really has allowed me to find so many people that have been on my mind for years. Very cool.
I'm tired tonight. Not sure why. My emotions got the better of me. Getting job means it's real. Our move is in a final stage. I'll have a day to day engagement I have to keep. I've been floating above this thing we've done. Accepting an offer feels like throwing out the anchor. We're going to sit here for a while...bobbing along...seeing where it all takes us.
Monday, March 09, 2009
Today, I watched Breathless, the french film Dewey recommended to me. It was odd...I'd been reading some Rilke poetry (just last week!) and it was mentioned in the movie. "Rilke believed that every day life got in the way of the love of man and woman..." I'm totally paraphrasing it. But I can see the point there.
Jason and I had a lot of talk time on the road. It was good for us. We've both been struggling with some things and it was good to finally bring them to light. We love and we try...and we laugh. The laughing helps a lot. We're good friends. He's a good friend to me. He does things for me because I need them. Like driving for 15 hours this weekend to go to DC. We stayed with a friend of mine--who I dated in another lifetime, but J was fine with it. P is someone who I have history with and who knows my family...and has allowed me to grow. We only dated a brief time 10 years ago--I was extremely young and impressionable. (It was VERY much like the relationship between Steve Martin and Claire Danes in Shopgirl--but we've grown from that time.) Our friendship has done a lot for me. He's my "escape from the world" person. Many times in my life when I didn't know where else to go, he's allowed me to stay at his place, roam around DC independently and reflect on life. The fact that J is able to understand that is pretty amazing. I'd been feeling trapped lately...but J reminded me that I'm not.
In a way, this weekend was a way for J to see a part of my life that's always been just mine. I usually travel to see people alone--esp P. When Reva sang, we sat apart...just experiencing it alone. He loved it and we listened to her cd over and over on the way back. He just allowed me to do what I needed. The heavy heart I've had for the past few weeks is so much lighter now.
Tomorrow- I'll share some Rilke. I just picked up the book again and am engrossed. More to come.
Friday, March 06, 2009
Been in contact with a lot of old friends lately. It's nice. In a way it's like playing connect the dots with your own timeline. People who knew you WAY back when...catching up to know. Seeing how people have matured, what they've seen, what you have in common that you'd have no idea you would! and realizing you still like them. (That's nice.)
Road trips are great. I downloaded a ton of new music. (The new U2 album, some old Doobie Brothers, Pink Floyd, new PASTE mag cds, Sting, Joan Osborne...good stuff!!!) Love it. New music, new terrain, new/old conversations with new revelations.
This weekend should fill my soul tank...it's felt empty lately. Time alone with J, hearing Reva's songs...hearing Paul laugh...it'll be good for me.
I'll have stories to tell when I return.
Thursday, March 05, 2009
I feel that I must have been born to do something creative and completely self indulgent!! No one is thinking those things...and I'm obsessed over it. And before you think I'm depressed, I'm not. I know when I am chemically off and I'm not. Honestly haven't been for a long time.
I feel comfortable when a friend calls with that certain lost tone in their voice. AH! Someone I can help by listening. When they call and they are happy and all is well, I feel naked and embarrassed as if I have nothing to offer them. I can be happy for them...but what else can I give? When they are ill, or confused, or really questioning something--I feel as if I am good at being that friend. Maybe I should think about that more--career wise. I feel good about myself when I've helped someone go through something that they thought they may have to do alone. Feeling as alone and foolishly dark as I did in college really made me extremely empathetic to those who go through anything. During the time when Carrie was ill, I felt as if I had a gift to be able to comfort her parents and those who were there. I remember Sarah's mom telling me that I should work for hospice. It was one of the kindest things anyone had told me. My mother told me in jr. high that I'd be the type to throw someone in the water, just so I could rescue them out again. Interesting. Maybe back then...but not now.
I meant for this blog to be about friendship...and again, it's become ramblings of someone who has more time to think about herself than anyone else. I'm definitely searching. Blogging helps at least put it out there. I keep looking at my girl friends for answers. How do they live? How are they coping? Do they think these things? Do they struggle too? Am I the only one bad at this?!