Tuesday, March 31, 2009

A nice burnt orange would be nice.

Why do most offices--at least most I've worked in--make all of their walls white? It's sterile and depressing. I feel like I'm in a hospital. (Not that hospitals are depressing places...but they are sterile!) I would paint the walls on my own if I could, but we don't "own" the space. My office is inside of Xerox...I work for the IT company that runs all of Xerox's machines....we control all of the servers, etc. I don't even know what HCL stands for. Let me go look.....

ok, back. It's stands for Hindustan Computers Limited. Here is the wikipedia page if you are interested: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HCL_Technologies
HCL is India’s 4th largest leading global IT Services companies...huh!

Well, their revenue looks pretty good...5 Bil. They could afford some paint. They could afford to pay Xerox to let us use some paint.

Monday, March 30, 2009

SATC....not quite.

Had another weekend in Brooklyn. And although I'm too exhausted to write in depth about the experience...I will say that I find stepping into another's life something each person should do. Meaning, the weekend was nothing I would have ever planned for myself. I hung out with people I never would've run into or met on my own (my brunch pals were a 72 year old woman, Pat and an 86 year old man, Harold. They were fabulous. I loved the conversation and I loved the environment--a diner over a 100 years old that looked the same as it did when it opened. In fact, Harold used to come there as a little boy. (Big story on Harold coming soon.)

I grew up in Small Town, KS. They (Harold, Pat and Michael--my coworker) grew up in Brooklyn. They lived in apt buildings...they walked to get everything they needed...or they took a bus. They didn't have to learn to drive, but did. Pat said she owned a car for a while..."from 1967-71." She said it wasn't for her.

Michael had me driving everywhere. I drove through the Holland tunnel, drove all over tons of neighborhoods...she even took me to Coney Island at 11pm to see the beach in the freezing, wet darkness. She has so much more energy than I do, it's crazy. She's 53 and I was wiped out trying to keep up with her. I love meeting a new type of woman I haven't encountered before. Her beliefs, her energy, her spiritual connection, her attitude--she's from a different mold. It was such a learning experience for me. We grew up in completely different universes and yet...we found tons of things we had in common.

We are all connected...somehow.
More later, I'm pooped.


Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Wednesday Night

My mind is not in a healthy place today. Or rather, in the past hour it dipped. I wish I could explain more, but I fear I might be committed.

Jason is staying the night in Owego. Probably better. In these times of chemical off balance, I'd rather be alone. What caused it? I think it was my inability to figure out how to copy a graph from a pdf file into Microsoft Project. I'm suppose to have it done by 10AM tomorrow and I have no idea. I've never even worked in Project. But I'm sure I'll figure it out.

And my husband is irritated that I've decided to take off for the weekend to NYC again. I was there last month. My new co-worker, Michael, lives there--she will eventually move here, but for now, she has a nice house in Brooklyn that she misses and her ride backed out, so I'm taking her. Mostly because I love new experiences...and she's interesting...and I like seeing where people live...and I love NYC...and it's fun to get away. Jason's quarter end is next week, so he'll be busy. Michael says we'll relax. She wants mani's and pedi's (for cheap!), go to see Bus Stop at a local theatre and just enjoy the neighborhood. I was thinking I could hang with Dewey too, but he has yet to contact me. How fun would that be?!!

I also need to be able to look decent in a swimming suit by the end of April. Hmmmm.

Idol is starting soon. It's my saving grace. I'm going to start laundry, put away laundry, clean up the kitchen and swoon over cute Idol boys...and girls, who are we kidding.


Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Death Becomes Her

I'm nervous today. Almost like I'm waiting on something to happen. I feel unsettled. I keep driving and wondering if I feel at home. The better question is when is the last time I felt at home. I remember feeling really good in Cincinnati, but that may be because of Lisa and John. They were my family...and it was a comforting environment. I didn't have my crap together then...but I did enjoy my time there. Now, being more "with it" here in Rochester, somehow I find myself trying to get to a certain feeling--like it's a goal. Chicago never felt like home. I have great friends there...I was there for a long time, but I was always moving. I didn't live in the same place for more than year. That's a lot of moving around. Plus, I also had new jobs every year and a half for one reason or the other. Lawrence is probably the closest thing to feeling at home as I could have. St. John is too, but it's different. My house isn't mine anymore...my room isn't there...and I don't really have a set place to be there. I keep trying to feel at home and that doesn't work. I think J and I are both searching for a certain feeling. He still feels that Chicago is his home--though he is feeling more comfortable here. It's hard. We are slowly meeting people, but we don't have good friends here. We are still searching around. It's cold as hell and I don't like to be outside. My apt feels homey. I like being in it...but I still feel like something is missing.

I always think very dark thoughts. What if Jason died...what would I do then? Where would I live....or go? Part of me thinks I'd move back to Lawrence. Jason wasn't there...his ghost wouldn't be following me around--not that that would be a bad thing. Part of me wonders if I'd continue to roam around. Maybe see if Sarah wanted a roommate in Seattle or something. Or, maybe I'd make Dewey have me as a roommate, although he doesn't want one. Or, maybe I'd move overseas. That would be dramatic, but I'm dramatic. I know that immediately, I'd want to be in St. John. I'd still look for something there that I know isn't anymore. The "St. John" feeling. I know there are people who have moved from there that understand what I mean. (Kortney and Becky would know) This is a weird thing to write about.

I know I'm not the only one that constantly thinks about crazy things. How many would come to my funeral. How weird would it be for my family to finally meet some of my friends that she's always heard about. How would it affect each person. I know what it's like to lose a friend...and how it affects me...and how she's constantly around. Not like a haunting...but like she's here and I can see her, but no one else can. I want to talk about her, but now it's like I'm morbid if I bring up her name. I recently found her brother on facebook and I just wanted to talk about her...but I felt like I couldn't because maybe he didn't want to talk about her with me. Interesting that I still haven't used her name. Carrie. I think about her and I wonder if 10 years after my death, others would think of me just as often. I've had her mom's email address for almost a month and I haven't used it. I'm still a bleeding heart sometimes and maybe that's not good for her. I just want to sit and talk about her until she's here in some form.

Maybe this is floating to the top of my mind because I heard about Sylvia Plath's son's suicide. Not that I'm suicidal. It's just---his life is gone. I think about my life being gone. Poof. And Natasha Richardson is gone. Poof. Her kids will grow up without her...and maybe Liam will remarry one day. But, she's gone. Really? People think we don't go anywhere after death? REALLY??! I feel how much energy there is inside me...my thoughts that won't stop, etc--and it's just GONE?

Life is great. But, if we do get to see the people we've lost after we die...the company gets better and better on the other side.

Monday, March 23, 2009


I received my first award--and although it won't be a headline...it made my morning!! (Thanks so much JEN!!!)

The rules of receiving this award are to share seven things I love, and also tell you about seven blogs I love. Well, I don't follow a ton of blogs--I get bored easily, so I will put down the ones that I do allot time for.

7 Things I love:

1. Movies. --They are a part of my internal make up. I grew up watching everything. My mom wasn't big on "kids movies"--so she took my sister Wendy and me to movies she was interested in. Therefore, I watched a ton of adult movies at a young age. For example, these are the movies that I remember vividly seeing when I was in grade school: The Color Purple (my mom says that I was transfixed by this movie...I didn't talk or move until it was over), Chariots of Fire (I remember being bored out of my mind), Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan (we went to see this...about 8 times I bet--I wanted to BE Tarzan.), Amadeus (just watched it recently and it wasn't as great as I remembered), Out of Africa (learned to love that more as an adult), Gandhi (my mom's fave) and Passage to Indai (I need to rewatch it). I saw movies that I didn't understand, but that pushed me to try. It helped my creative mind flourish I truly believe. She took us as an escape--but never anything inappropriate, more intellectually out of our range. I am a film snob now...and will probably do that to my kids to other mothers' disapproval I'm sure!

2. Naps. I just can't function as a productive, kind person without them. I literally become mean and lose my short term memory.

3. Laughing. I love laughing and definitely radiate towards people who help me do so. A sense of humor is the #1 thing I look for in people. Some of my favorite people are ones that I just love listening to LAUGH!

4. Camping. I love the outdoors. I love being in a tent--the sounds of birds, the tent zipper, the crickets, the late-arriving guests, the murmur of people still up talking around the campfire--coupled with the smell of it! I love the simplicity of it. I love the talks around the fire, in the canoe, on the hike. I love fixing food with everyone. I love that everyone is dirty and no one cares. I love it all--and I miss it with my Chicago buddies...

5. Toddlers. Sweet, loving, blunt, real, excited, funny and ready to learn. Working at a daycare was the best. Walking in and having them all run to me with smiles and hugs--it doesn't get any better.

6. Modern hair styling tools. --is it shallow? Maybe, but growing up with curly, frizzy hair without any de-frizz serum, flat iron or relaxing cremes REALLY scarred me as a kid. My senior pics are hidden and my Jr. High pics are used as my "do you really love me" test. (Jason passed with flying colors.)

7. Modern Medicine. As someone who has had 2 major surgeries already in her life...Ican't imagine what I would've done without it. My hip replacement gave me my life back...and I'm going to count my vision in there too! I think about what it would be like to being blind without glasses and in too much pain to walk--my life just wouldn't have much joy.

7 Blogs I follow:

(I don't have a ton of friends that blog...and I'm all about pop culture!)

1.Ross Matthews--ok, so it's a celebrity blog, but he makes me laugh. He's always in good mood and I find that refreshing. He doesn't do his daily life blog anymore--sadly, but all of his "talky blogs" are still up for people to see at: http://www.youtube.com/rosstheintern

2. Carolyn- Here's one I know. She has one little one and one on the way. She's blunt and funny...and married to a pal of mine from college. I love to follow her thoughts about this and that. http://supercblogs.blogspot.com/

3. Jane Fonda--yes, THE Jane Fonda...she actually helped inspire me to write every day! She's 71, on Broadway and can find the time! I love her. http://janefonda.com/category/my-blog

4. Kelly--Finally a blog to save the world!! She's one of the blogs I follow over on the right hand side! Click and learn!! http://ordinarilygreen.blogspot.com/

5. Lisa--My girlfriend who shows her life through pictures. I miss her, so I love to go see her world. http://lisabrooksc.blogspot.com/

6. Jen- My savior. If ever I were to read a blog and think, "wow, she's like me!" Ok, no, I don't have kids...but our minds are very similar...and she makes me laugh--or remember to laugh. That's important. http://diagnosisurine.blogspot.com/

7. Rosie-- http://www.rosie.com/ --She's VERY real...and her old talky blogs with JAHERO are HILARIOUS!! She has thoughts and she's going to share them. I really enjoy the tough ladies...reminds me to be strong as well.

I don't know how to do that nifty write a word and have it be the link thingy....obviously.


The Lost Weekend

The morning is moving slowly. I hear the conference calls around me--the world continues to move on, no matter what happens in your life. It's an interesting thing. Well, to me. We all wake up in different realities. Matt Lauer woke up stiff and unable to go to work--having flipped over his handle bars during a bike ride and therefore threw off my Today Show morning. I enjoy his face, it puts me in a good mood. So, I had to settle for Lester Holt, who just isn't as enjoyable. I woke up ready, but tired. The weekend was a nice one. J's mom and sisters came for a visit. It was too crammed. They were here for one day and we felt the need to show them around so much that I feel everyone left more tired than when they arrived. I like the 3rd visit...when people already know what options they have to see and to eat...and everyone can just relax. We have a lot of first visits though before that happens. Until then...I feel the "relaxing" feeling we want to convey of the area will be lost.

I got an email this morning that helped my mood--an invitation for a weekend away from the cold!! Originally a girl weekend, when the husbands got wind, they wanted to go too. So, it looks like a South Beach weekend will occur at the end of April. I can't wait. I've only been to Florida once...when I got married. This time, it will undoubtedly be more relaxing!! We did instruct the men to find something else to do during the day so we can have ample girl talk time by the pool. Sunburned and-- let's face it, tipsy, we will meet them for dinner. Although the sun is starting to become more of a friend than an acquaintance lately, it's still not warm. We'll finally hit 62 by the weekend!

Work is helping me not "think" so much. It's nice...my thoughts are more about problem solving for those around me rather than wondering "is there life out there..." I need variation! It still baffles me what I did for the 5 months I didn't work. Yes,the apartment is decorated and clean and somewhat organized...but it's not like I am any better off than I was. (WHY do I feel the need to beat myself up for not having some huge project completed???) I thought I'd have a stack of books that I'd read, but no. It's just so hard for me to resign myself to reading for long periods of time.

Speaking of books I can't finish--I did see Twilight on Saturday night. Hmmm. Visually, it was something to enjoy--beautiful in parts. Edward was stimulating...to look at, to understand and connect to, it just didn't happen. Bella was just awful. She actually kept me from really enjoying the movie at all. She was dull and lifeless. Overall, a disappointment. I was looking forward to it, too. This makes it even more difficult to find the motivation to finish the book, damn.

Friday, March 20, 2009

I can hear Dolly singing already!

Being at home for the past 5 months and ruling over everything in the apt. has spoiled me for the work place. When I can't find an answer about anything, I almost lose my mind. WHY is there not a contact for my phone issues...fax issues...computer issues?? I want someone to come to my desk and help me...not tutor me over the phone. That's the problem with BIG companies. They are so vast--they have help centers...that you have to call. I miss walking around the office and yelling, "hey...does anyone know how to connect to the wireless around here?" I wanted a smaller office. I can't complain, I have a job. BUT, in the future...I'm all for mom and pop places where people go to lunch together and leave early on Fridays--AND CAN WEAR JEANS on Fridays! I'll get paid less. That's fine. Money takes away just as much happiness as it can give. Jason makes more now than he ever has...but he's tired and constantly feels behind. It's just not good for the soul.

I do have a nice manager. That's huge. I've worked for some crazy creepy people before. Men are easier to work for--but women are easier to work alongside. (In my opinion) I've had some great women managers before...but they are all business. They were probably better at the professionalism aspect. I want someone I can be real with--I'm not the most professional gal. I like to have real connections at work. Jason has found friends at work by luck...but doesn't EVER seek them out. He's all business. He needed me in his life. We can be a good balance.

It's the first day of Spring and it's still damn chilly outside. That pisses me off.

(title ref. 9 to 5)


Thursday, March 19, 2009


I've been so tired today. Not sure why. I'm not used to getting to bed by 10--I have 5 months of bad habits to break.

I'm saddened by Natasha Richardson's death. I find it somewhat interesting that we feel for people we've never met. My dad was really shaken over Tim Russert's death. We see people on stage and screen and somehow we feel connected to them. I know that when Paul McCartney dies it will be hard. He's been such a constant source of joy in my life. When something like that happens, my mom, sister and I all call each other as if one of our close friends has died. We've gone to the movies our entire lives--it's like we have mutual friends. I actually think about Liam Neeson and how he's doing. Is that weird?

The job is going well. I feel like I'm a house mother. I make sure everyone has what they need, I make sure we have enough coffee, cups, pens, paper, if the printer works, if the scanner works, if the email is up, what desk each person is sitting at, if there are enough cubes for everyone, etc!!! I like it. It's busy...and it makes the day FLY by. Everyone is very nice to me...and they know I have the power to either get things done for them quickly--or not! I'm the Key Master AND the Gate Keeper!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Meryl Streep doesn't feel fabulous.

Ok. The cat is still sick...and she hates me. When I go to get her for her medication she just lets out a low growl. She's never mean, she just wants me to know how uncomfortable she is. I feel awful for her. The apt smells like sick cat...it's not good. "Sick cat" smell is strong urine/blood high in bacteria. Jason will take her back to the vet on Thur morning for more tests.

Today was my first full day. It was successful. I can tell because I'm tired. I came home and watched 3 episodes of The West Wing and called Mackenzie to hear her open her presents! 4 years old today. Ugh. I hate to miss those things. I watched a video yesterday of Kendra turning 4. They all have to grow up. True, we get amazing adults, but I love the babies...and the toddlers a lot. They think you're great...they say what they think and they love you because you are good to them and spend time with them. It's simple. Kendra and Derek are still pretty good with me...they humor my Auntie moments of kissing and hugging too much. I think the fact that I live far away helps. They don't have to deal with it that much! Mandi and Eric's kids barely know me...but I feel we will be good friends in the future when they want vacations! I will be the cool aunt then.

I'm tired and I need to read some Updike before sleep.

Meryl is in by the heater in J's office...curled up, feeling awful. Man...that's really how I spent a lot my college years. I feel for her.


Monday, March 16, 2009


My cat is sick. I took her to the vet and she has kidney stones. Poor thing. She's been bleeding for 2 days. I feel bad for her. $300 later, she's home and hiding under our bed. I wish she could talk...not sure that I'd want to hear everything she has to say (she's not a huge fan of me), but to know that she's hurting would be helpful.

Had my first day at work. Just 2 hours...watched a safety video and got my badge. Cute pic! I was exhausted when I got home. I didn't sleep well at all last night. Took a 2 hour nap and now I just feel out of it.

I'm writing so that there's something here, but I'm blank as to what to say...and nothing on my mind is very interesting at this point. My chest feels heavy and I just need to sit and relax a minute.

More tomorrow.


Saturday, March 14, 2009


Just watched this "documentary" by Bill Maher. I understand what he's trying to say, but I don't agree at all in which he does it. I don't believe in making people look stupid or feel foolish because of what they believe. He has so many cuts and edits--he basically shows you what he wants to show you. "I'm smarter than all of these people." It's not convincing. It's disrespectful. He interviews the most extreme people...and those who don't represent their religion well. I had a really hard time with that. The point of the entire film was that he wanted people to doubt. That's fine...questioning is a good thing. He also wanted to show how much blood shed there has been over religion. I agreed with him, but that was a small part of the movie. It was frustrating for me to watch. I try to watch things and put myself in others' shoes. How would I react to this had I been "represented" in this movie? I probably wouldn't finish it. He'll lose too many viewers. The fact that he calls it a documentary is a joke. It's just Bill promoting his ideas in whatever ways he can. I didn't learn anything...just that he doesn't believe in God and he wants anyone who does to feel ignorant. Granted...he really chose some very strange people...some real whackos--it was painful to watch actually.

That's not going to reach anyone. At least, it didn't reach me. I already doubt--this just made me lose respect for him...not for those he interviewed.

Am I too sensitive? Could be. Or maybe I've seen too many people try to prove their point by making others feel foolish. I've done this plenty in my life. I guess two hours of looking in the mirror wasn't a positive experience for me.

15 minutes later---

OR! Maybe I should've just watched it with a sense of humor! Geesh! I do take some things too seriously. He is a comic after all...

Friday, March 13, 2009

too much coffee

Ok, so 2 days have passed and I didn't write. It's almost like they slipped by me somehow. I was so proud of myself for writing every day too. Damn. Anyway. I found a job. They found me actually. I start Tuesday. It's an admin/office mgr for the IT group inside of Xerox. I'll know more later...but I think it will suit me just fine.

Today I heard from an old friend. It's amazing how we can lose touch with people--no matter how close you were at one time. I hate that. She and I were super tight through jr. high and high school--even college. She's seen probably the freak Valerie too much...I can imagine losing touch might have had something to do with that. But, today she emailed me and I was thrilled. I struggle with my bonds with people. I've done a great job at keeping up with most people and my best girlfriends I've known most of my life. But there are a few people that slipped--maybe because they wanted to--that haunt me. Are there seasonal friends? I don't like that concept. The people that drift in and out of your life. As soon as I love someone, I just want to hold on to them forever. I think that's why I've tried so hard with my ex boyfriends...well, most of them. I've dated some of my favorite people (with a couple exceptions) and the thought of not knowing them is too much. I have a tendency to hold on to everyone and it is tiring. At times, I hold on too tightly...and I wear myself out. Dustin and I talk about this. He has times where he practically spring cleans his friendships. He takes stock in them and decides who is healthy and who isn't. I think that's good. I should probably do that, but I feel like I was probably one of the unhealthy ones at one point and feel badly about giving up. I've done some pretty shitty things in my day. REALLY. Gosh, it's horrible. I feel badly still. But, you have to let yourself grow and learn. I've forgiven a lot...and have been forgiven. I don't want to be wasted though. I do get tired of ALWAYS being the person to reach out. Some of my friends just aren't good at it and I know this about them. I also know they need me to do it, so I do. I don't want to be forgotten...and I'd love to tell those who've drifted away that I may not talk to them, but I think about them constantly. There are only a couple of people that I've completely CUT OUT of my life and don't care to speak to again. When I'm done, I'm done. But it takes a lot.

I've been sitting here typing for over an hour. I need a shower. I've already been to the store--so I'm accomplished this morning. Now...I need to clean...my body and this apt. (I know...OCD--but the starting of the job will help this!)

More later...I'm manic today.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Anchors Away!

So, this may be a quick post because I'm tired. Had an interview today that went really well. It looks as though I'll get the offer tomorrow. I think it's a good move. It's basically an EA position/office mgr for an IT group that supports Xerox. It's a 10 min commute and my new boss seems very nice. He's overwhelmed...I'm used to dealing with that. It will be nice to help him out.

I came home and cleaned up a bit--then watched The West Wing all day. It was fun to see all the buildings I'd just seen! Also found some old friends on FB. It had been getting on my nerves...but every now and again, FB is so great!! It really has allowed me to find so many people that have been on my mind for years. Very cool.

I'm tired tonight. Not sure why. My emotions got the better of me. Getting job means it's real. Our move is in a final stage. I'll have a day to day engagement I have to keep. I've been floating above this thing we've done. Accepting an offer feels like throwing out the anchor. We're going to sit here for a while...bobbing along...seeing where it all takes us.

Monday, March 09, 2009

On love and other difficulties

Today--I've been tired. I took a shower, but then got right back into my comfy pants and a sweatshirt. Really attractive. The weekend wore me out. It was needed. We both feel that way. J said, he too has had issues concentrating today. We feel rejuvenated emotionally, but physically exhausted. DC was great. Seeing Reva sing again...I actually got choked up. I've known her since she was in jr. high. I love that she's doing what loves. I can tell it's tiring. You see movies about people who soul search and figure out what they want to do...then there's a montage of them painting, writing, whatever--and they look so full of energy and smiley! However, I feel that it must be exhausting. She sang straight pretty much for 2+ hours. She's performing...and playing...and singing...and thinking...and all at the last show of her tour. I'd drop after that. But she came out and talked with those who were so excited to see her. It meant so much for me to be there that I was at a loss for words. I think I described the performance as "good"--how awful!! I felt inspired and in love...and I couldn't come up with a damn thing to say to my old friend. I should have said, "Just seeing you up there fixed something in me that's been broken lately." But I didn't say that. Damn.

Today, I watched Breathless, the french film Dewey recommended to me. It was odd...I'd been reading some Rilke poetry (just last week!) and it was mentioned in the movie. "Rilke believed that every day life got in the way of the love of man and woman..." I'm totally paraphrasing it. But I can see the point there.

Jason and I had a lot of talk time on the road. It was good for us. We've both been struggling with some things and it was good to finally bring them to light. We love and we try...and we laugh. The laughing helps a lot. We're good friends. He's a good friend to me. He does things for me because I need them. Like driving for 15 hours this weekend to go to DC. We stayed with a friend of mine--who I dated in another lifetime, but J was fine with it. P is someone who I have history with and who knows my family...and has allowed me to grow. We only dated a brief time 10 years ago--I was extremely young and impressionable. (It was VERY much like the relationship between Steve Martin and Claire Danes in Shopgirl--but we've grown from that time.) Our friendship has done a lot for me. He's my "escape from the world" person. Many times in my life when I didn't know where else to go, he's allowed me to stay at his place, roam around DC independently and reflect on life. The fact that J is able to understand that is pretty amazing. I'd been feeling trapped lately...but J reminded me that I'm not.

In a way, this weekend was a way for J to see a part of my life that's always been just mine. I usually travel to see people alone--esp P. When Reva sang, we sat apart...just experiencing it alone. He loved it and we listened to her cd over and over on the way back. He just allowed me to do what I needed. The heavy heart I've had for the past few weeks is so much lighter now.

Tomorrow- I'll share some Rilke. I just picked up the book again and am engrossed. More to come.

Friday, March 06, 2009

Soul Cages

I'm just waiting on Jason to say he's ready. I've talked him into a quick road trip to DC to see Reva play. It would be so good to see/hear her. It's been...3 or 4 years since I've seen her last. Jason and I were very new then.

Been in contact with a lot of old friends lately. It's nice. In a way it's like playing connect the dots with your own timeline. People who knew you WAY back when...catching up to know. Seeing how people have matured, what they've seen, what you have in common that you'd have no idea you would! and realizing you still like them. (That's nice.)

Road trips are great. I downloaded a ton of new music. (The new U2 album, some old Doobie Brothers, Pink Floyd, new PASTE mag cds, Sting, Joan Osborne...good stuff!!!) Love it. New music, new terrain, new/old conversations with new revelations.

This weekend should fill my soul tank...it's felt empty lately. Time alone with J, hearing Reva's songs...hearing Paul laugh...it'll be good for me.

I'll have stories to tell when I return.

Thursday, March 05, 2009


My friend Lisa called today to say she was thinking about me. She said she wanted to start making more of an effort to let her friends know she was thinking of them. (Thank God I'm one of those people!)It's been a while since we've talked every day. Years. It's hard for me to answer the phone when I'm in one of my moods. A mood that ruled my life in college and that I'm pretty much sick of. I worry that I don't represent myself well. In fact, it is hard not to want to crawl into a hole when you feel as if you are not where you want to be in your life. Some are able to stroll through each day with ease. When I'm working--even in a creative-killing corporate environment, I allow myself to roll with it. I'm doing other things...thinking constantly about what's in front of me. In times of unemployment, I am given too much time to think--much like in college. (Should've been studying, I realize, but too late now.) I have thoughts I think every day--which bore me, but seem to haunt me. They are surface worries about if there are dishes in the sink, if I see dust that needs disappear, if the floor needs vacuuming, if the apt. looks enough like me. Every day I think that stuff. It's boring. It's the death of my poetic self. When dealing with me, I've always found myself fun to be around...adventurous, ready to do always do something spontaneous and illogical...funny and experimental--but there also lies the dark side. We all have it and for some reason, I always get afraid of showing it off. In college, I relished it and became captive. I can't imagine having wanted to be around it. And in the cases of friendships that I still have from that time, Lisa being one, it is hard when they call and I wonder if it puts them off to hear that certain tone in my voice. My "life is fine, but I'm not fully feeling what I want to feel today or doing all I want to do...I'm living a day that won't have any special meaning to it. It'll be a day that isn't worth journaling about and where I didn't feel as if I stretched my mind at all" tone.

I feel that I must have been born to do something creative and completely self indulgent!! No one is thinking those things...and I'm obsessed over it. And before you think I'm depressed, I'm not. I know when I am chemically off and I'm not. Honestly haven't been for a long time.

I feel comfortable when a friend calls with that certain lost tone in their voice. AH! Someone I can help by listening. When they call and they are happy and all is well, I feel naked and embarrassed as if I have nothing to offer them. I can be happy for them...but what else can I give? When they are ill, or confused, or really questioning something--I feel as if I am good at being that friend. Maybe I should think about that more--career wise. I feel good about myself when I've helped someone go through something that they thought they may have to do alone. Feeling as alone and foolishly dark as I did in college really made me extremely empathetic to those who go through anything. During the time when Carrie was ill, I felt as if I had a gift to be able to comfort her parents and those who were there. I remember Sarah's mom telling me that I should work for hospice. It was one of the kindest things anyone had told me. My mother told me in jr. high that I'd be the type to throw someone in the water, just so I could rescue them out again. Interesting. Maybe back then...but not now.

I meant for this blog to be about friendship...and again, it's become ramblings of someone who has more time to think about herself than anyone else. I'm definitely searching. Blogging helps at least put it out there. I keep looking at my girl friends for answers. How do they live? How are they coping? Do they think these things? Do they struggle too? Am I the only one bad at this?!

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

History of Herodotus

So...I got the Ebay book in the mail today. I left negative feedback for the seller two days ago. DAMN! I tried to figure out how to fix it, but I couldn't. I emailed the seller and told her why I did so and I would reverse the feedback if she'd open it back up.

The book is so lovely...I feel awful.


So...these are just status reports...because I can't connect thoughts in a nice paragraph today, but I'm writing anyway.

The Shack--didn't go to the book club, but made the decision to read it anyway. Since it would be my first visit--due to my frustration and confusion, I didn't feel it was the right venue for me to show off my charming self.

Jimmy Fallon--watched his 1st and 2nd shows, rough. Hope things get better for him. Not seeing it last if he keeps it up this way.

Shower--I did take one today. (But I do every day.)

Netflix--got in Breathless (a rec from Jeremy Dewey) 1960. I think it's French...it says, "French new wave." I believe JD told me it was...I haven't seen a ton of French films, more German or Spanish. I'm excited!

Mood--difficult day for one who thinks too much. I watched an Oprah episode that blew my mind. It really had me thinking. Our brains form to what they are now pretty much at age 6...so besides learning new things...our personalities are already set. The show was about child neglect. I REALLY recommend you read this story...


I know it seems like a downer and you probably won't take the time to read it, but it if doesn't change you in some way or if you don't learn something--well, shouldn't we all take the opportunity to learn something??!! It's shocking.I'm going to put an excerpt below just in case you don't go at all.

"While extreme cases of child neglect may make headlines, Dr. Perry says these examples are just the tip of the iceberg. "Most people don't realize this, but there are twice as many neglected children in the United States as there are physically and sexually abused combined," he says.

Dr. Perry says at least 500,000 children every year are neglected by their caregivers. "It's like a silent epidemic," he says. "From a functional perspective for the developing child, neglect is the absence of necessary stimulation required to build a certain part of the brain so it can function normally."

When a child doesn't get enough stimulation early in life, Dr. Perry says the brain may develop differently. "That changes all kinds of functions, including the ability to form and maintain relationships," he says."

They talked about children spending TONS of time in front of the t.v. and/or video games as negliect and having severe effects as well. My friends call it, "MTV Generation" because we can't stand not being overly stimulated. However, I feel that I really can enjoy silence. I'm not afraid of lack of conversation or noise...but I think that has to do with being comfortable in your own skin. I had time alone as a kid--but I don't feel it was too much time. In fact, I truly feel that the time I spent alone in my room reading made me more independent and comfortable. It was my time with other people that really caused negative affects!!

Tonight--American Idol--because I just can't get enough. Tea. Some deep breaths. Time with Sylvia...

New Lost on tonight!!

Tuesday, March 03, 2009


It's been rather a slow day. I woke up when the doorbell rang--our fireplace needed to be fixed. It was good to be forced out of bed, I was tired. Jason had gotten up around 5, if not before and I woke up just around 6. He didn't say goodbye, most likely because he thought I was sleeping. I've been tired all day. I re watched The Oscars and enjoyed it again. I'd also taped Jimmy Fallon's new show--eh. Jimmy Kimmel had the bachelor on, so I watched that. Pretty funny. Yes...today, I was on the couch. I did do some exercises...but that's about all. My thought is that I will be employed soon. Monday is the interview. I've been out a long time! It's weird to fill your day with random things. Having no set schedule isn't good for me, but if you have hope it will be ending soon...it's really not too bad! This week my low key existence isn't bothering me so much.

I looked around Twitter more. What a whole new world! I only have a couple of people following me, but you can follow a lot of people on there! Celebrities. Jane Fonda has one (she turned me on to it really.) Jimmy Fallon, Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher, Steve Martin (I enjoy him), Jimmy Kimmel, Kathy Griffin, John Mayer...it's nuts! Some write their own, others seem to be more fan sites writing for them--I delete those. I'm not sure how long I'll be on it. It takes so much maintenance!

I'm still trying to read The Shack. (I writing this in avoidance in fact.) I read about 40 pages last night. I'm going to buckle down and get it done by tomorrow night! It's moving slowly so far. Since Ronda liked it so much, it can't be bad. I'm really hoping to be moved. I need it.

Why am I so tired? Dustin (and Jason) would say that I'm not drinking enough water. So, that's what I'm going to do after I write this. Pour a glass of water and read. I need to drink a few glasses before dinner. I don't think I had any yesterday. Isn't that awful?! I just don't like it. It's boring to me. I have Crystal Light...maybe I should make that! Is that cheating??

As I look over, I see my Sylvia Plath book...I'd rather jump into that. Why am I struggling so much?? I think it's the religious thing. I don't want to be preached to. I wouldn't say I'm lost in that department...but I would say I'm avoiding the discussion because I don't know what to think. It was forced down my throat at one time--not by my family--but by others. My parents have never forced me into anything. I've always been able to make my own decisions, even if they didn't like them. Dad doesn't talk about religion and Mom has been very open to all religions. Jason reads a lot about a lot of things. He's interested in the discussion...and he's very curious about everything. He questions. I like that. It makes me feel less alone.

I'll let you know what I think.

Update on my Ebay addiction--played $5 dollar fun today. Found a vintage Annie Hall (pictured above) movie poster for $4 and got it. Also...bought "Manhattan" for $6. It was Woody Allen day today...actually, he's been on my mind a lot lately for some reason.

Monday, March 02, 2009

My Monday

-Put out the garbage can/recycle box (figured out it was FREEZING)
-Had to go to the post office to mail off a box and 2 important envelopes.
-Went to the grocery store and got meals for the week.
-Read Jane Fonda's blog
-Decided to create a Twitter account.
-Figured out the Twitter account is useless because none of my friends are on it...I'm just following Jane Fonda, NY Times, NPR and John Mayer. Odd.
-Made "no bake chocolate oatmeal cookies" because I've been craving them.
-Watched The View
-Forced myself to go to the gym because I felt guilty for the no bake cookies.
-Looked around the gym to feel better/worse about myself.
-Got irritated about the numbers pouring into the gym and left after 45 mins.

At least I went. I hate going. I went yesterday, too. A private gym is nicer...but oh well. My other gym had age restriction...you had to be 18 to get in. I don't have kids yet, so I can be grouchy about the herds of screaming kids that dart every direction. Fathers come a lot with them...I'm guessing so he can throw them in the pool and he doesn't have to watch them. (I'm jaded.) I want children...but I don't want them around me while I'm working out. Of course, I don't want anyone around me. I'm extremely anti-social at the gym. Since I hate it there--it only brings out my evil self. (hence, not wanting kids around me.)

I have a book club on Wednesday. They are reading The Shack. Ronda gave me the book over Christmas to read (and return) and I haven't done it yet. I figure, this is my chance. Plus, I've been trying to get into this group for months! I know it's a religious book...or at least that's what I've heard. I'm wondering if it will be difficult for me to read--or if I'll find it inspiring. It seems to be very popular. I didn't do well with the last really popular book everyone told me to read--Twilight. Oh my. That one drove me insane...and the grown women who are freaking out about it??? I don't get it, but I'm having a hard time with that part of myself--the teenage dreamy part. I've read too many memoirs and can't remember what fiction is like. You'd think I'd be ok with it--I love to escape in movies. I've read 200 pages in it and I just didn't go back. I feel like she wrote it with a thesaurus by her side. I'm sure I'll eventually finish it--but I need to wait until I'm ready. Unlike a lot of people, I know when I am going to be able to connect with a book or not. If not, I just stop reading. I move on to the next. I'll read parts of tons of books and not read the whole thing. Do I have a completion issue? A commitment issue? Do I have ADD??

Tonight--the finale to The Bachelor. Yes, I can't read Twilight, but I can watch The Bachelor. Ridiculous!! I won't say I can't wait!! But I will say that I am looking somewhat forward to seeing the end. (Mostly because I get a kick out of Jason's reactions to the show. He loves it.)

I'm off to eat a cookie...and then do some sit ups to counteract it.

the movement you need

I wonder if people think this is about a bowel movement and miss The Beatles lyric...

"the movement you need is on your shoulder." --Hey Jude.

meaning, the power/motivation/love you're looking for is always within a close proximity to you.

random thought.

Sunday, March 01, 2009

"Of all men's miseries the bitterest is this: to know so much and to have control over nothing. "

It is possible that lately, I am more prone to irritation. It's not only externally focused. I get equally, if not more, frustrated with myself! Yesterday I was ticked off that I couldn't get the KU game on t.v.--and now realize that I spent a ton of time looking for updates and the final score on the wrong day. It's today!! Embarrassing.

Today my big fight was Ebay based. I bought The History of Herodotus for $10 ($14 with shipping) in January and never received the book. It was such a nice copy too. Printed in 1940, leather bound...ugh. It was a steal!! I sent the money, the person cashed it and no book. I wrote them twice with no response. I finally had to leave negative feedback and opened a case with PayPal. I hate doing stuff like this. Yes, it was only 14 bucks, but I really wanted it. It really sucks. I love Ebay. I have a shopping issue and it is my way of feeding that need without spending a ton like I used to. I let myself spend say, 10-15 bucks...and it makes me so happy! I've bought 3 movies over the past month for $3 a piece!! That rocks. I refuse to buy a dvd for more than $10 now. I'm all over Target's $5 or $10 wall. You can find some real gems!

The History of Herodotus was featured in The English Patient (my favorite movie). Ralph Fiennes' character carries it with him throughout his life. It would've been cool to have.

(The Blog title is a quote from Herodotus)