Monday, May 13, 2013

There's no place like home.

I'm packing today. The girls and I leave tomorrow for Kansas by way of Cleveland. I have friends lined up to see when I arrive and I'm anxious for the conversations to come. I have a heavy heart about leaving here, but only because it is safe for me. At home, I tend to feel insecure and unsure. Here, I have my own issues, but they are mine...and I understand where my place is. I am the mom and the wife. I am the home owner and the one in charge of bed times and bath times. There, I am still the child of someone and worrying about whether I'm pleasing both (divorced) parents. Am I spending enough time? Am I being fair? I grew up worrying about it and I still do.

If I drop all of that away, I am look forward to showing Z my home town. It isn't what it used to be, but things always change. I look forward to spending time with my family and having them get to know my girls. I love my girls. Z is SO funny and smart and pretty. H is so loving and sweet. She is a cuddler. She is a smiler. They both laugh often. I feel that I've done something right because of that.

I look forward to hugging my dear friends and being a good listener for them. I want to make up for all the times I just wanted them to be there for me. I want to share our times and get their take on issues I'm having. I want to make sure we connect again.

This morning said she was excited about leaving. "I'm happy and I'm sad." (I get that.) "I'm sad we're not leaving today...but I'm happy we're going to go." I'm just going to listen to her. She is so optimistic and happy. What a great girl.

Thursday, May 09, 2013

Letting go.

Spring is here. The sun is out. It is warm. The trees are in bloom. It's gorgeous. My nerves are still a bit raw, but that's just me, I guess.

I'm still anxious. I need to learn to meditate. There are a lot of things I need to learn to do. Different times of life require different tools to get through them.

Deep breaths are good.
Thinking positive thoughts.
Realizing that you are good, just the way you are.
Out with the bad, in with the good.

I struggle. I'm not as comfortable in my skin as I'd like to be. I feel good as a mom. I need some work as a wife, daughter and friend. I feel I'm trying. Honestly, I feel that I try when others do not. There are a few people in my life that just don't reach out much (like for several months or years) and I'm tired. I have abandonment issues. It is hard for me to let people slip away. I may just have to do that. I can't be the one the continues to reach out. They have to put in some work, too. There are plenty that do. This is a hard realization. We are all busy. It seems that the people that  continue to make you feel important as life goes on...are the ones that deserve that energy.

Maybe later, after I've rested--I will reach out again and see what happens. It could be that I'm just ignoring the signs--"uh...I'm okay that we don't talk anymore." Okay...then I'll be okay with it as well.