Friday, December 31, 2010

2011 will be a better year.

Tonight we welcome 2011. A new year. I love the opportunity to reflect and look ahead. I have so many things I'd like to see come to fruition in the new year. Most have to do with my inner self. I'm constantly trying to find ways to become a better me. One of the things I could do is to stop looking backwards and regretting things I can't change and focus on how I want to live the rest of my life. How do I want to affect those who come into contact with me? We all have those friends in our lives who energize us and make us feel happier to be around them. I want to be one of those people. I feel that I've used up my years of being judgmental and sarcastic. It's time to be more positive and motivating. Smile more. Laugh more. See the bright side. Life is so full of things that drag us down--it's not easy to trudge through when we encounter horrible losses. It's hard to understand why bad things happen. It's hard to wonder if we could have done something more in certain situations. However, you CAN do something. Learn. Try again. Move through it. I've seen a lot of sadness this year in my life and in the lives of others. It is hard to comfort those who are so bereft. Some don't want to feel better it seems. (This used to be me.) Feeling better and trying to move on doesn't make what you went through any lesser of an experience. It doesn't come across to others that you didn't care. It's survival. It's being better for yourself and for those around you. It is true that you can become stronger after great loss.

2011 is a year for being stronger and better and happier than you've been before. You can break the mold you've created for yourself. You can change how you feel about anything! You can become brighter and you can learn as many new things as you can fit into each day. I want to feel differently about things. I want to be more cheerful. I want to lose some of the armor I wear each day in order to not get hurt--and just be present. I want to be better. I want Z to see me as a positive force in her life.

It sounds like I got high before I wrote this...but I swear, it's just me...wanting to change.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Some Vaca Pics

The New Year

2011 is looking to be a happy one. 2010 was very why not keep it going?! This morning, Jason and I mapped out our individual and joint goals for the year. It's a way of beginning again on some things we came up short with last year. I love that feeling of being renewed in a way. I know it's a day like every other day, but the fact that I can make it feel like something more seems to affect its power. I love new beginnings...hence my addiction to relocating. I think I'm finally settled where I am. Now, to get my fix, I map out my year. How do I want to be better? How would I like to feel better this year? What can I do to be a more authentic? Yes, I've been reading in my O magazine...

Here are some of the goals I have thus far:
1. Read more
2. Create photo albums (because having all of our pics on the computer isn't user friendly)
3. Start Z's scrapbook.
4. Shop by a list (this will be the hardest)
5. hit the gym 3x a week.
6. Clear out old paper work.
7. Be more positive, overall.
8. Plan family outings
9. Write a letter a week--an art that is slipping away...and my fam and friends will enjoy it!
10. Write daily--blog or journal.

Yes, of course I want to eat better and get more sleep, but that's a given. I'm energized by this list! I love the idea of restarting. I'm going to print my list and put it on the fridge to keep me honest.

Monday, December 27, 2010

And we're back!

Back from the sun...though not hot, it was warmer than Rochester. Our house was chilly...but clean and nice to come back to. When we arrived at ROC, our car was dead. We were exhausted, it was freezing and Z was sleeping. We opted to just take a cab home and return to the issue in the morning. Good choice. Sleeping in our bed was great. I got these great $20 flannel sheets at Target and it really warmed up our sleep!! They are really pretty, too. I love Target...and Target stock loves me.

Today is a day for napping and slowly putting our things away. We still have many icicles but no leaks. I'm not ready for the holiday to be over. Being away from home during the holiday was nice, but spending Christmas day on the beach was surreal. It just didn't feel quite right. The Vidmars were engrossed in Mad Men and so we watched that daily as they are trying to catch up to the current season. I own the seasons, so I'd seen each episode 3 times already. However, listening to them discuss Don Draper's actions was amusing. We also played poker almost every day. I'm getting better...but now will have a drought for months probably. Jason isn't into card games.

I'll post some pics of Z at Disney World soon. That was a great time. She was only there for 5 hours. The grandparents came to get her and 5 of us stayed out late. We spent the evening in Epcot going from country to country drinking and eating...and shopping. So much fun! At 9 some were pooped--we'd been at it since 8am. J and I were ready to head back to the Magic Kingdom and see the fireworks, so we went alone. Wow...just beautiful!! It really does make you feel like a kid to be there. It was so nicely done. Just a great way to spend the day.

Z and J are now taking naps and the dishwasher is running in the background...all is good.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Leaving on a jet plane...

with a one year old child...should be fun.

We're headed to Orlando tomorrow for Christmas. I'm looking forward to it in a way. When I get there, I'll be happy. Getting there is the key. Getting my husband to unplug and relax is going to be a chore. He's so stressed out that he broke out in hives this evening. His age is catching up with him. His body is pissed about how it's been treated and it's showing him. J isn't a good sleeper. He works all the time. His mind will not shut off. It's actually pretty horrible. He's a perfectionist...but he's also a procrastinator. Those two make for some horrible sleeping hours.

I doubt I'll be able to blog from FL. I'll post pics when I return of Z's encounter with Disney characters. She will have no idea who they are, but the Magic Kingdom should be done up for the holidays so it will be pretty to be there. I want to see Black Swan. That's what I want for Christmas!! Someone stay with my child so I can see a freaking movie!

Last night, I had a dream about James Franco. I'm not sure why I'm sharing this...because it was THAT kind of dream. I woke up with a huge crush. May need to see his movie too.

Let's hope I dream of him tonight as well! :)

Happy Holidays to anyone coming across this post. Make a list of what you are thankful for and put it on the fridge...I think you'll realize there's more than you think.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


It's Tuesday. It's snowing out...we probably have 7 inches and are expecting about 5 more. I have a book club tonight and I'm at the computer trying to cram for it. We're discussing A Light In August tonight and I didn't read it. I didn't even buy it. I found it online and was looking through it and now it's gone--the online book is missing. So, I'm reading all the notes I can find so that I can come of somewhat intelligent. I will tell them that I didn't read it, but that I really needed an outing. It meets downtown at a little place that serves chocolate and wine. So far there are 18 going. 4 dropped out due to the snow. We're also having a book exchange of books we don't want anymore. I just got done wrapping mine. It's "Secret Lives of Men and Women." I'd ordered it and then realized it was kind of a crap book. So, it can collect dust somewhere else.

Z seems to be giving up one of her naps during the day. This sucks. The morning nap allows me to shower and get ready for the day. The afternoon nap allows me to either clean house or nap myself! (Or to research a book I haven't read) Please let this just be a phase. She's teething badly and has been all out of sorts.

I'm DREADING the flight to Orlando on Saturday. I can't wait to get there...but holding Z on my lap seems to be a crazy move. She wants to walk. She won't want to sit for over 2 hours. I feel a lot of "looks" and glances coming our way. I've always been very nice to other mothers on planes with children who scream--please let this be my pay it forward moment.

I'm really hoping there is at least one interesting person tonight. Could I have a future friend? I feel like I'm speed friending. I want to sit down with each person for a few minutes and decide whether I want to pursue a friendship with them or not. I have wonderful friends...but none of them live here. I miss having someone to go to eat or to movies with--other than J, of course. Please don't let this be a singles meet up group.

An update to come...

Monday, December 13, 2010

Inside. (A schizo post)

I've been watching Inside Actor's Studio for years. Last night, I watched James Franco. And it happened again. This thing that always happens. When I watch it, I have some sort of magical the universe is talking to me. I know this sounds crazy. But, I feel very connected to the actor on I have an inner voice that's trying to get out. I've always felt that I had some type of art inside of me. I've wrestled with the idea of a book. I've thought about scripts. I feel that I should have pursued being a film producer. I just told Jason a few weeks ago that I feel I would be a great film producer. I feel I could write some type of script that may not be Oscar worthy, but I feel that I would be proud of it. It's in here...somewhere. I feel it. (Is this really strange and conceited?) It's more like there is something inside me that I know needs to get out. By the end of IAS, I always put myself on stage and answer James Lipton's questions. So, last night I thought..."what a great idea! I'll just write how I want the interview to go--like a creative writing exercise...and maybe I'll find some type of inspiration or maybe the idea will come out naturally."

This is jr. highish, I realize it. It's almost like I'm going to write my epitaph and then see if I can live my life in accordance to it. I'll be living backwards.

So, anyway, I'm headed to Orlando at the end of the week and I'm going to make this my assignment. When I'm done, I'll post it.

If you haven't watched Inside The Actor's Studio on should really try to take in an episode or two. They really are inspiring. Streisand's is my favorite. Netflix has some you can get. Hulu has clips of episodes.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Out of it.

My dad was here for 5 days, so I've been neglectful here. It was a great visit. We have a long history of me being a total nervous wreck when he's around, but this time was different. He was open and complimentary and very easy to be around. I do enjoy that some things get better with age. My relationships are one. I still have some to work on, but this one took a long time to get to this point.

Z turned 1 last Sunday. I can't believe it. She can now be forward facing in the car. Unreal. She's getting away from the bottle. She drinks from a sippy cup! She drinks whole milk instead of formula. She shows frustration a lot more. She also shows joy in a great number of new ways. She can say mamamamama and dadadada. I'm not sure she understands what she's saying, but I'll take it.

I've been a little off the radar for a bit. My friends are starting to contact me to see if I'm still around. I need to send out Thank You notes that are WAYYY past due today. Looks like I need to check back into Valerie for a bit and Mommy needs to take a break.

The snow is here for good. The icicles are ripping through our home and we have had 2 major leaks already. Ugh. We get a break today but tomorrow bring another big storm. Today everything is melting and slushy and dreary. I need to shower and start my day feeling human.

Friday, December 03, 2010

It's Friday. I look tired and feel awful. Happy Weekend!!

On the evenings before Jason leaves for a trip he stays up...late. He's manic and can't sleep. Thus, I don't sleep either. He comes down late, wakes me up and then proceeds to crash. I am left awake. He then has his alarm set to a time that he KNOWS he won't get out of bed and I'm left to jab him, "turn off the alarm. Get up." He snoozes the alarm and goes back to sleep. This happens every 8 minutes for a while. "You told me to wake you up. You have a flight, get up." He finally rolls out of bed and then frantically gets ready and rushes around the house (since now he's late) and I lay in bed listening to all of it.

Least to say, I'm tired today. I have much to do. Z and I will drive to Cleveland tomorrow to meet J. He's there for business and is staying over to wait for us. My dad is coming to Rochester on Monday. The house needs some help. The laundry needs doing. The yard is a disaster. I'm going to do my best today to get as many chores done as I can. All I want to do is nap. I looked at myself in the mirror and I look awful. I'm starting to get permanent dark circles under my eyes. It's not a pretty sight.

The snow will be here all of next week. It's official: it's cold out. Damn. I love the fluffy, beautiful white covering...but I hate the cold.

Let's end on a positive note. I worked out 3x this week at the gym. (but haven't stopped desserts) If I could just stop snacking...

Thursday, December 02, 2010

Yes, I'm going to bitch about my mother in law.

Zoë turns 1 on Sunday. We are going to Cleveland this weekend so that her grandma can celebrate it with her. I don't want to go. I want to be selfish and have the party here. Of course, that means that only J and I would be in attendance, but that's how it was when she was born...and she won't remember this anyway. Because it is her first birthday, I'm feeling territorial. I want it to be MY cupcake she eats, not something made by someone else. We already gave her the cake and icing that I had when I was one last weekend. However, I think it's just the way it's being handled by her grandma. She demands things. She doesn't ask. She is going to have it HER way. It makes me want to say, "this is my daughter, we are celebrating at home, you're not invited." Ok, that's mean. I want Z to have a great relationship with her grandparents. It's just this particular grandparent doesn't ASK anything. She makes plans without consulting us. She counts the hours we spend at each house--(J has divorced parents and we have to split time.) She questions my mothering skills. She CONSTANTLY makes comments about Z's bedtime. "6:30 is too early! I don't know any baby that goes to bed that early!" (This makes me want to scream.) This discussion has gone on for weeks. It WAS 7:30, but then daylight savings moved the time it's an hour earlier. The time changed...she didn't. I'm so not looking forward to this trip. I have daydreams about screaming, "ENOUGH!!! She is MY daughter...I make the decisions and we're going home!" This won't happen. Jason is totally the other direction. He's Mr. Peace Maker. He doesn't confront anyone. He doesn't stir the pot. He ignores her comments. He doesn't shut down conversations because he says it just makes things worse. He's had his entire life to "master" the dealings with his mother. I've had a couple of years and I'm ALL ABOUT confrontation!

Give me strength to get through this. Make it snow so we don't have to go.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

I need a Delorean.

While cleaning out the garage, Jason found lots of memorabilia from his teenage years. In this pile were videos of his 9th grade English assignment of a scene from Great Expectations. It's adorable. He plays Pip. Attached to this clip was a little family video he filmed from around that time. They are all in the kitchen and he's talking behind the camera. I love it. I've often wondered what we'd think of each other had we'd met earlier. Jason says that we would never have worked back then. He was too to the "right" and I was too to the "left." It's true. He was VERY conservative back then. Our liberal minds didn't match up until 2005. I'm surprised how much he's changed compared to his high school and college years. I've matured, but my views on most everything have stayed the same. In the video, he was so much younger, yes, but he was also lighter. Life weighs you down as it hands you a job, a hefty mortgage, marriage and parenting. He's very concerned about keeping things going. He's a perfectionist to a fault. He stays up late nights working and worrying. He's the peace keeper in his family. He wants everything to be okay all of the time. I would love to have met him at 15. He was a book worm, I was more about friends and having fun. I think I could have added a little something to his life back then. Maybe helped him take things a bit less seriously. And, maybe he could have made me understood the importance of focusing a bit more on school work. I think our friendship could really have helped both of us. He's carried the weight of the world from a young age. His childhood is a blur to him...and before the age of 12, it just doesn't exist in his memory. I want to see what happened before then.

It all worked out in the end, but I constantly think of going back in time. I'd like to see my parents as young children. I'd love to understand where certain parts of their personalities come from. I'd love to go back in my own see how I was at 5. It's very Emily Webbish (Our Town) to have this desire, but I think about it a lot. I feel like Mad Men is a cool way to learn about how life was in the 1960s. Although it's scripted, just seeing the fashions and the reactions to historic events is interesting.

I want to go back and talk to my mom when she was 18. I want to know what her thoughts were about her life. What did she want back then?

Don't you think that would be fascinating?

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

When blue...decorate!

So yesterday I was still a bit blue about my family leaving, but today I've perked up and decided the best way to fight the blues is to decorate the house! It's cold and rainy (and will be for days) outside and there's no better time to make the inside of the house warm and festive.

Oh, here's the pics of our new wallpaper. I love it. The bathroom is harder to see, but it's green used to be peach paint. yuck.

We're spending Christmas in Florida so maybe the decorations will be tamed down this year. Last year I was pregnant and went a little crazy with them. The house was lit up in every room. Z will be walking and grabbing everything in sight, so I think all the decs will be put out of her reach. No big tree for her to pull down. I've never had a destination Christmas. It'll be less stress I think. We're trying to decide about Epcot, The Magic Kingdom and/or Universal Studios. The tickets are $82/piece! I think we'll have to pick one. Z is too young to understand or remember anything so I think she'll be chilling with gma and gpa. I don't want to scare her with life sized stuffed animals that walk around. That could be frightening.

It's the time of year to take stock in what you have. To think about all the things that make your life great. I spend a lot of time looking back and wishing I'd done some things differently--but, we're here now and we're happy and I wouldn't change a thing about the outcome. Life lessons are so hard. To think I have to watch Z go through tough times ahead as she figures it all out makes me tired. I'm so much of a control freak at this point in my life...I'll need to remember I can't make her life choices. (Although sometimes I wish I'd had someone to make mine for me.)

The soreness in my ankles has gone away. Could it be that I was depressed and didn't know it? The pills seem to have worked. How odd.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

a silent night

We celebrated little Zoë's 1st birthday a bit early. Some fam was in town for, what the heck. She got her angel food cupcake with my grandma's frosting recipe EARLY! She did a great job!

Thanksgiving was fantastic...but man, I was exhausted. I went to bed at 7:30 last night. I slept 13 hours. It was amazing.

I've been away from this for a while. My mom and sister were in and I didn't spend time in front of the computer. Now, life will get back to normal and I'll be writing my questions and observations again. It's hard to come down from having family in. (depending on the family members...) It was great to be around my mom and sister--we were able to laugh a lot- something we all needed. We know each others boundaries and kept well within the "what not to talk about" lines. We focused more on enjoying the time...and eating. I'm not sure I've ever been to the grocery store more in a week.

Tonight, the air is frosty, Z is sleeping blissfully, I'm well rested after 2 naps today and my house is quiet. The silence is welcomed yet, makes me miss the chaotic surroundings. I think we're going to start trying for baby #2. It's time to have another baby around here.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Japanese Maple--feeling a little naked

What is this I....happy??

Ok, I'm just going to say that lately I've felt...lighter. My heavy mood seems to have lifted. Now, this could be because the holiday season is here and I'm always happier during the holidays. We have family coming and things to look forward to. It could just be adrenaline. I'm not going to rule out the help of the new meds...but I'm not going to base it all on them either. I know I'll come off of them in the near future since I can't be pregnant on them. Sometimes medication can help in the short run. My LONG run of them has made me very wary of their presence in my life. These don't curb my appetite or libido. No weight will be lost on these. (Damn.) However, I am working out and watching my snacks. We'll be in Florida for Christmas, so I have to break out the warmer gear for a week or two. Toned arms are nice to have when that happens.

Our bedroom is almost finished! We went with light gray paint to offset the dark wallpaper. I will take a pic when it's finished. I love it. Now we're addicted and want to do all of our projects NOW. We're holding off's nice to do things in stages. It gives you something to look forward to.

Oh, by the way, the December issue of Oprah's mag (it's a blue cover, I think it's December) has some really great gift ideas!!! Just a heads up.

I'm hoping the gifts will be less this year. I'd like to focus on time spent instead. My memories of the holidays are based around my feelings of togetherness...not of what I got under the tree. Z will be a cute age. She'll like wrapping paper. She has enough toys for now. I think we'll focus on the sights and sounds of Christmas. Oh, and the smells!! The holiday meals...that's the real reason I'm losing weight. I want to gain it back without feeling horrible about myself later.

Sad news--the Japanese Maple lost her leaves yesterday in our big wind storm. She has a few leaves right by the window...almost to say goodbye. I just took pictures of them and will post them later today.

Well, folks, enjoy the day. I plan on reading in my magazines and snipping out gift ideas and recipes. Simple things. The happy me is pretty boring and nauseating. But, I feel better with the thoughts in my head these days. I'm also better to be married to.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Today we're having our room wallpapered and painted. The bathroom as well, but I'm looking more forward to the bedroom having some type of finish to it finally. We still don't have a nice bedroom set, but all in due time. Little by little....

I'm not sure if it's the medication or the anticipation of my family coming, but my mood has lifted. I've felt MUCH better than I have in months. My right hand is still stiff and hot, but my emotional health is enough to keep me balanced. Wendy and Mom are coming in on Sunday and I can't wait. I love visitors. They haven't seen Z in a few months so it will be fun for them to see how much she's grown. I'm hosting Thanksgiving this year, so J's family is also coming to down. We'll have 14 people here for 2 days. I'm thrilled. It's sort of a dream come true really. My favorite memories of childhood are when all of my family got together. It didn't happen after 1982, but I still remember the feeling. It'll be the first holiday my mom will have without her brother. I'm hoping the crowd will keep her mind off of it a bit. She is still suffering a lot. I'm sure it never goes away.

The day is cloudy and dark. My Japanese Maple looks dark red against it...but so calming in a way. It's been rainy and cold. Yet, I've been very well. I started back to the gym. I've gone almost every day and I feel so good about it. Z goes to Miss Marie's --the daycare--and does such a great job! She's so happy and independent. She doesn't seem to miss me at all when I'm gone. I'm actually happy for that. Missing people has controlled my life for a long time. I really don't like it. I was practically immobile in my early 20s because of the thought of leaving people. Of course, to remedy the situation and cure myself...I moved away from everyone to create my own space. I do feel good here. I've always felt that if I lived close to my friends and family, I would fall back into my codependent tendencies. I start to rely too much on them and become needy. Here, I can feel independent and they can come visit. It's more healthy for me.

Ok, now back to watching more about the Royal engagement. I'm oddly entranced by the whole story of Will and Kate. It's a fairy tale for some Americans. We don't have royalty here. I've always loved to learn about their life. Kings and's all in stories I heard as a child. From a far...we create anything out of their experiences. It's almost like they aren't real to us.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Branching out.

Well, I've had 4 people tell me lately that I need to find a Mommy group. I've looked. I can't find anything near me. I registered at two sites and it seems to me that those are the wrong way to go. The groups in my area have 4 people in them...and haven't been active in the past year. Hmmm. I'm going to have to be more creative. Maybe they are hiding. An online group won't help me. How could it be that in an area of 1 mil people that there wouldn't be one I could find?? Am I not looking in the right place? I'll continue to go to Barnes and Noble and see if anyone wants to hang out with me. I feel like a new kid in school. "PLEASE be my friend!!" I seem desperate. It's embarrassing.

The week went quickly. I enjoyed the solitude in the evenings. I know Jason missed us, but he seemed to have a good time. He got an autographed picture of the Laker Girls. I don't have anything nearly as interesting to show from my week. Z is getting better on her feet, he'll see that. I've been reading my Nora Ephron book...and would have it finished by now if I wouldn't get tired each time. I haven't blogged because my mind has been somewhat blank this week. And I've been napping pretty much every time Z naps. That's been nice.

I know I need to be more social. Up to this point I really haven't been lonely--not that I am now. But, it would be fun to have some friends that didn't have to fly to see me. I feel like putting an ad in the paper. "Desperately Seeking Someone...Anyone!!"

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

I'm so deep in thought so early in the week!!

Today, as I look out the deck window, I see that most of our trees are naked. There are berries on one of them still and the Japanese Maple still has her rust leaves. It's a different kind of beautiful. Browns and rust colors fill Rochester. I guess this could be a depressing scene...but it is calming.

My friend Dustin came in on Friday afternoon. We spent the weekend watching horror movies, visiting Cornell's campus in Ithaca and playing with Zoë. She took about 36 hours to warm up to him but was in love with him by the last day. He went with me to take her to Barnes and Noble's story time. I let her down and watched her crawl/walk around and greet the other children. HUGE smiles and finally sat across from me with another baby. She's not afraid. She's so social and happy. I felt a little sad. She's independent. It's a good thing. It's exactly how I'd want her to act.

Having D here was good for the soul. We've been friends for 10 years or so. It's nice to be around someone that knows you. We've both struggled with similar things in our lives. And now, he's happy, settled into a stable relationship and loves his job. Maybe those who struggle the most in their 20s and make it out alive are seasoned veterans of life and go on with a great sense of self. We know where are weaknesses are and having such low times in the past makes for a great point of reference for appreciating fully what we have now.

Jason is gone until Friday night. He's in LA at a sales conference. I know it was hard for him to leave Z. He has a hotel room overlooking downtown LA. He's eating well and being entertained. I'm eating cereal for dinner and trying to keep my house plants alive. However, I do feel we're both relaxing in our own way. The time away from each other is good I feel. Sometimes being a couple causes you to forget the joys of solitude. I'm reveling in it. After Z goes to bed, the house is quiet. The computers are off and I'm just left with myself. I'm happy to report that I still like myself and that even though I feel the outside world could classify my existence as dull, I feel happy and at home.

After Z wakes, I'm headed to Target for baby supplies and hopefully they have Nora Ephron's new book! I love her take on life. She wrote a book about aging that I'm really excited to read. I've been reading journal entries in May Sarton's memoir "At Seventy" and trying to learn some lessons of life of the women who have more of a perspective. I wish there was a kind of mentoring program for people my age. You can join Big Brothers/Big Sisters...but I want one where I get to spend time with a woman in her 60s and hear how life has taught her. Yes, I could talk to my own mother. Maybe a group of women. I'm not a leader, never have been. I follow. I look to others to guide my way. I'm hoping my book club will have some new teachers for me.

I'm rambling...more when it happens.

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

I'm in denial I guess...

I just got back from my doc appointment for my joint pain. He said I was negative for lupus. He asked me a ton of questions about my life pre=pregnancy and then post. He said that he was going to put me on an anti-depressant. Huh?? Well, he feels that I'm in denial about having depression and/or anxiety. Really? It's possible. "It fits all of your symptoms." Ok. He was very kind to me. He told me I need to get out of the house and get to the gym. Also, I need to do some un-mommy things. The book club seems to be a positive thing. He told me that if I wasn't dealing with my depression, it can manifest physically. "Do you talk about how you're feeling?" Yes...and no. I blog. I haven't talked to my therapist in a long time. I also am very anti-down. I can't stand to feel blah or upset. Yet, in my blog, it seems apparent. Shit. I had such a time with depression before...I don't want to go back there. I'm tired after the appointment. I just want to go to bed. More denial traits! Jason leaves this pm for an overnight work trip. Maybe the time alone will be helpful. It's hard to think about everything the doc said with Jason worried over my shoulder. When I even mentioned the findings, J said, "you need another doctor. We've already been through this." hmmm. I think Jason is a bit afraid of going through it again, too. I don't feel the same as I was. I don't think I'll wilt and become overwhelmed in darkness. The doc asked if I was overwhelmed. "No...if anything, I'm underwhelmed. I'm bored. I feel boring. I feel like running away." Course, that sounds like I'm a psycho. But really, what mom doesn't feel like running away from it all sometimes? I think I'm normal. I think I'm a mom...I'm tired, frustrated, needing adult conversation and creative stimulation. That's normal, right?!!

Dustin comes on Friday morning until Monday night. Hooray!!! I can focus my energies on girl time. It will be great to hang out and talk and talk and talk. (This is what we do from the time say hi until we say goodbye.) It's good for the soul.

I'll take the meds and reevaluate in week or two. The doc wants to see me in 6 weeks.

Tuesday, November 02, 2010


it's late at night when the demons seem to crawl into my head. last night i laid there thinking and thinking about crazy things. horrible things. things that made me wonder if needed medication. the overall thought was being horribly bored with myself. wanting a radical change. i'm so afraid of being blah and my life meaning nothing to me. i worry about the risks not taken and the places not seen...the people not met. i keep trying to see myself in the future. what does that look like? what changes can i do from here? last night i came up with the idea to finally take guitar lessons. not sure if that will happen but it was a good idea. i did rsvp to a book club here in town. we're reading Faulkner to start. damn. I really am not a huge fan of his...but that was years ago when i formed that opinion. i'll try again. (Light in August)

I'm about to go vote Democrat for NY Gov. I CAN'T STAND Carl Paladino. Ugh. I really despise him. If he became Gov I would think about moving.


Then you've earned the right to bitch about it all later.

Monday, November 01, 2010


i thrive on change. i changed the look of the blog...again. it's like rearranging a room and feeling like you have a brand new place to explore. i used to do it all the time as a kid. i rearranged my room to make it seem like all was different. i kept moving for a change as well. it's addicting. i love where i live now, but i would move again. now, with z, it's hard. it wouldn't be fair to her. we have to keep her grounded. but, i daydream. i want to live in london. i've always wanted to live there...or somewhere in scotland. that was my daydreamed future as a kid. not as a wife. not as a stay at home mommy. i lived abroad. i was far away...and alone. sounds awful, doesn't it? london probably isn't in my future as a home, but i want to visit it again.
i love new beginnings. i love the unexplored. again, ode to a grecian urn is my life. keats died so young...but he really connected to something there.
if you're out there reading this and you are at a place in your life where you're restarting or in a new place in life...RELISH it. it can be scary, yes...but it can also bring you new life.

Boo Hoo

It's November already. My child is almost 11 months old. Right now she is taking a nap and I'm pretty sure she has a dirty diaper. I passed by her room and could smell it. Yeah, I didn't wake her up to change it because she's been a demon and needs her sleep. She's growing...and changing every day. At times, she becomes unrecognizable. Her sleeping habits change out of nowhere. She's MUCH more vocal. She also developed a look on her face that is so devious it scares me. But, she's cute and happy...and blows her food in my face now when she doesn't like it. Ick.

My body aches today. The weather dropped about 30 degrees in just days. My joints are puffy and hurt. I am headed to the doctor on Friday. I was suppose to take the anti-inflammatory drugs for a month and I haven't. I forgot. I'm going to lie to the doctor. I need answers. I'm going to take them this week religiously. Then, lie.

Halloween was great fun. We all dressed up and had one trick or treater. That sucked. But, we had a blast ourselves. We made pizza and took pictures of Z. She seemed to like our costumes and didn't mind her own. It was a success. The lack of doorbell rings could be because it was freezing. It rained and then it hailed. Yeah, too cold for walking up our long drive. Our street is also very dark and windy and the houses are set back in trees...and it's not a through street. It screams, "we'll yank your kid into our house and you'll never see them again." But in the daytime it's soooooo pretty!

Friday, October 29, 2010

It's time to watch it...again!

Man, I love this movie!!!

It's Friday and I'm tired. Too tired. What is going on? I'm like mono tired. I can't remember names or places or how to put a bottle together correctly. I spilled all over the kitchen. I still have to make a cake. I still need to clean. J's parents are coming tomorrow. must clean house. damn. j's asleep downstairs. what a bastard. (i mean this in a loving way...)

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Halloween is fun damnit!!

First of all, how cool is this cake? I'm going to do a graveyard cake, but may attempt this one next year. I got the idea from The Today Show.

I'll do my best to take a pic of my cake--but don't expect much.

J and I love Halloween. We love horror movies...and scaring each other. We know that for a few years we'll have to tone it down. Z may not appreciate it too much.

However, even though J likes it, he isn't much for dressing up. That's all of the fun! I'm headed out to find something he'll put on. I think Z (in the future) will appreciate that her parents really get into it. It's fun. It is a bonding time for the family and it shows her we don't take ourselves too seriously. Halloween is a holiday without family drama. No worries of visiting anyone. No fights over the table. Just candy, costumes and some scares. I'm hoping Jason will get more into it as the years go by.

My mom hates Halloween. She shuts off all of the lights and ignores it. BOOO!!! My sister, Wendy and I have always loved it. My dad would dress up in a mask and give candy without saying a word--very eerie. I loved it. I think the "devil holiday" is pretty ridiculous. Come on get to use their imagination...and so do adults! Enjoy it! Eat your weight in candy and have fun with the Fall colors...walking the streets and meeting your neighbors.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Thoughts and ramblings from a mind "unplugged"

Today and yesterday--beautiful Fall days. Trees wave with glowing leaves and 70 degrees. I'm headed out shortly to continue cleaning our garage. This process has been ongoing...for too long. Take my advice, if your parents are downsizing, don't take their crap!!! You get emotional and think you want it and then you realize...uh, they didn't want it for a reason. Anyway, so now we are throwing stuff away that should have been thrown away to begin with. There are also our things that we've hauled with us from Chicago. We fall into the trap ourselves-holding on to things from the past. It's hard to let things go. Memories flow over you. Times with friends that you may not talk to anymore. Keeping things seems to a way of holding on to that time of your life. I still have shirts from high school. I have letters from college. Yes, letters!! Oh, I miss them. Email is too easy. My friends Angela, Joel and Kortney constantly wrote me. I really hope I wrote them back.
The Fall has a way of bringing on the memories. The trees spark colorful memories of college. KU's campus bursts with color in Autumn. Walking down to the football games...walking the streets under the colorful canopies...gosh, how I miss it. Everything was mine for the taking. I met amazing people and had some of the greatest talks of my life. Your life was ahead of could do anything you wanted. I fell into my life. I didn't plan it. Maybe most people do. Now, I crave control and choice. I feel as if I have to take control of the moments of my day. I want to plan it out. I want to make sure it's not wasted. The TV detox is part of that. As a film student, you spend endless hours watching movies. It's amazing. Life is outside! It's in the blowing trees, in the rain beating the pavement, in the sun that lights up the leaves and in sounds of kids in the neighborhood. Do kids spend time outside anymore? Are they all inside on some type of electronic doo-dad? As I sit here typing away on my Mac...listening to my god.
In the next week, my goal is to write 10 letters. 10 lucky people get mail. I think it's time to throw something different out into the universe. HEY!!! UNIVERSE!!! REMEMBER ME?????

Monday, October 25, 2010

TV Detox...going well so far!

So, in my attempt to detox from tv, last night I didn't watch any tv. I didn't even check my dvr! (Mad Men is over for the season, so it wasn't hard) Today, I watched some Today Show but that's it. It's going well! And, I broke down one of Z's toys that she no longer uses and put it away, vacuumed and decorated the rest of the place for Halloween and Thanksgiving after a quick trip to Michael's. All this morning!! Z and I even stopped off at the Erie Canal to look at the ducks. It's gorgeous outside. The colors are popping and it's 70 degrees. It couldn't be more perfect.
Last night J put up the gates at the top of each stair while I updated Z's baby book. Look at all I'm getting done. It's amazing.
I'm teaching Z sign language after a recommendation from my friend Becky. She said it will help Z communicate with me before she can talk. She's a fast learner. She knows the signs for milk, ducks, stars and eat. Not bad. We'll see how much she can actually learn. It's pretty cool how quickly she catches on.

I feel like an overachiever today! (I don't normally feel this way...) But, there's a new Gossip Girl tonight. Laugh if you want...but it's a horribly addicting little show. May have to fall off the wagon for an hour tonight.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

I'm an addict...a zombie...both.

I've been an addict of TV for most of my life. I'm not happy about it, but it's the truth. I'm an escapist. I love to dive into others' lives and take a break from my own. Reading makes me tired and I feel that I'll just sleep all of the time if I read a lot. Maybe I'm just not used to it. I've been thinking a lot about breaking from my TV for a week to start...then maybe 2....ugh. I'd like to spend my time doing other things. I feel I'd get more done. Most moms I know don't even have time to watch tv, so I should start now so I don't get the shakes later. I've been avoiding this post...because as an addict, I was afraid of really doing it--letting the TV go for a bit. See, I even talk like an addict..."for a bit"--I can't just quit. In my struggles of being a stay at home mom zombie...I think it's been nagging at me that I'm becoming my worst nightmare. I love books. My house is full of them. I'm a hypocrite. I live a lie. I look like I read...and I don't. I read pages in a book a day, but not ever really finishing the book! I would like to set a good example for Z and not be a tv zombie. I've been one for long enough and I feel so bored. I thought I could start by limiting myself to how much I watch a day. How much TV is too much? I am too embarrassed to tell you how much I watch currently. I've admitted I have a problem...but I don't want you to know how much of a problem I have.

It's time for a change. Can I do it?? I'm scared of not being able to...but more scared of becoming the most uninteresting person I know!!

I'm going to rake leaves now...and think about how to go about this.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

And we're on the couch...the topic: my nightmare.

Last night I had a nightmare that was so real to me it's been affecting me all day. Thought maybe I'd just purge it here and hope it leaves me. I dreamed my first love, Jay, had died after being very ill. I was on the outskirts of my hometown when I heard. My good friend, Becky came to find me to take me to his home. I was barely able to walk--just bawling and feeling so horrible and lost. I kept dropping to my knees and Becky kept lifting me up. (Yes, this IS dramatic) It was so real to me--so strange. I woke up with such immense sadness that I cried for about 10 minutes knowing it had all been a dream.
I always fear loss. Is that morbid? I think of losing Jason every time he has a day on the road. It's awful. I can talk myself into a complete freak out.
Dreams of people always fill me with thoughts of them. I sometimes feel it's a sign that I should reach out somehow. A flood of memories came back to me about our times together--gosh, almost 20 years ago. We've remained in touch and I think of him with such fondness and yes, love. Whenever my brain decides to dream about lovers or always attaches his face to whatever person I'm dreaming about. Because it was the first imprint of love on my heart--he's always been just a part of my history. I love love, passion and romance. I feel lucky that he created so much of that for me in my life at such a young age. I can easily say that he's the most romantic person I've run across. I have no idea if he grew out of that--we don't talk of things like that now. Now, it's about our families and children. We all grow and change and move on to what our lives will be...and what they were meant to be. I just love that my history was so full of intensity. heart's been heavy all day. It's all Jason's fault. He told me the night before that he'd dreamed about one of his ex-girlfriend's dying. (THE ex-girlfriend that was the most intense for him...and how sad he was about it.)

Young love is so important. Let's hope Z finds a love to be happy and intense about! The other kind...where you are left feeling empty and broken--let's leave those to those girls who aren't nice to their mothers!

Crappy Kid's TV shows

Ok, where the hell is Bugs Bunny? I miss him. I miss intelligence in cartoons. I tried to watch Yo Gabba Gabba! yesterday and I felt ill. I hated it. It's annoying. Where my shows annoying as a kid? I bought Z some Dr. Suess videos yesterday for $5 a piece. Nice. We watched those. I also have the Anniversary edition of Sesame Street. Lots of good stuff there to watch. I'm going to invest in Fraggle Rock and The Muppet Show. I tried other kids shows and just yuck. I don't mind Little Bear. No Barney! No Sponge Bob! I just can't stand them. She's destined to be uncool, right? Because all the kids will be watching mind numbing crap...on their frickin' Ipads. It's going to be awful.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

He's a Mad, mad, mad, mad Man!

What is Don Draper doing? I just watched the season finale of Mad Men and am floored by Don's sudden love fest with his secretary. I understand his feelings of loss compounded with her Maria Von Trappness--but to get engaged? Wow. I think men that had an absent mother (or mom that weren't very mommyish) yearn for that at any age.

Mad Men...I find it so damned entertaining...all of it. I love the era, I love the clothes, I love the feeling that I'm somehow peering into past lives of my parents and grandparents. It's like I'm watching behind a couch or something. Don Draper is an odd duck though. I find myself attracted to him, as EVERY woman on the show does, yet so fed up with his crap. My mom can't stand him. He's selfish. Yes. He uses people. Yes. Yet, he has that smart man, good looking, mystery thing happening. He's creative and has presence. This is a character, I know. He's a guy I'd like to have drinks with...but then dump in the end. He really needs to be dumped. The guys just discards women like wrappers. It is gross...and yet so entertaining!

Poor Betty...she's just miserable and becoming just awful. So pretty and yet SO messed up. Don screwed her head up pretty well. She shouldn't have children. She's unhappy and angry.

In my next life, I want to be Joan. How fucking fantastic is she!?

Monday, October 18, 2010

Religion Chart--Let's compare...

Above is a link to a chart that compares religions side by side...
I found this fascinating...but will have to report back on a deeper level later. I'm studying...(well, actually, I'm going to take a nap while it's possible...but I will be getting back to you...)


Ok, the fact is that if I HAD to choose one that seems to fit how I feel most of the time, it'd be the Baha'i faith. But, when I started to look into it, I started to feel claustrophobic. This is a strange reaction. Any real in depth look into a religion and seeing people worshiping freaks me out. Why is that? Most of my friends say that it's the gathering together that they appreciate the most. For me, it's what makes me the most anxious.

I also felt that I could be Unitarian. Jason and I have discussed going to the Unitarian church in Rochester. Yet, we still haven't gone. I appreciate their open mindedness.

I'd have to really think about this for a long time in order to make a real decision. My first impulse is to shy away from any type of "cataloging" myself into a certain religion. And, thank one is asking me to do so. I'm just thinking that Z will eventually ask questions and I'd like to be able to give her some educated answers.

I'm already feeling too heavy. Less heavy blogs to come...

Friday, October 15, 2010

Art in the 21st Century

As part of my month of learning new things...I Netflixed a tv documentary series: Art: 21. Art in the 21st Century. It deals with what inspires a particular artist to create a certain piece. It includes works by several contemporary artists. In my journey to find inspiration...I thought this series would be a great way to see what inspires others. So far, it's kind of PBS-y, but I like that.

Behind me, Z is trying her first Kraft single...and she seems to enjoy it! She's not a fan of macaroni and cheese however. hmmm.

More to come on Art. If I see something really inspiring, I'll try to post it.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

On Being Naked

Today, Oprah did a show about being "normal"--whether our odd ways of living were shared by others. Pretty much mine was considered normal, but I wanted to be a little more diverse. I may have to start cleaning my house naked. Speaking of that, Regis and Kelly say that not seeing your spouse naked is odd. Hmmm. Well, I will say that J and I are not paraders. I can walk around in my underwear, but totally naked? I don't think I've ever been THAT comfortable...even with myself. My little sister...she's amazing. She's TOTALLY fine naked. She's naked a lot. She will have a conversation with you in the buff. I always envied that quality. I'm comfortable in my sexuality. I have no issues there. It's just my body I guess. Is that possible?

I have a friend who sleeps naked. She always has. I have to wear underwear, but I will say that I don't mind being naked in bed. The sheets feel good. Jason is a fully clothed sleeper. He's just not one to sleep even partially naked. Most of the time he's working late and he doesn't want to think about anything but climbing into bed---fully work pants and button down. That's pretty damn tired.

Some parents have "naked time" for their kids. Is this normal? One parent has one night where her daughter sleeps with no undies so that she can "air out." Uhh...can someone comment this???

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Learning to Reinvent

I am slow to learn. Not book wise, but socially. I matured late, it seems to me. I watched my friends go through things that I wouldn't go through until years later. There are some that are born wise. I'm in awe of those people. I can look back in my life and see that they were always wise...even in high school. That's amazing. Wise to me means that they can tap into what the world is really about...not what pop culture creates. They always walked their own road. They looked toward the future. I went through life until my early 30s seeing just past my nose. Understanding how your actions today will affect your future is such a great lesson. Knowing what you are and are not ready for in your life...another great lesson. I've always looked to others to find my way--that's kind of messed up, right? Anyway, I've decided to start another blog that deals with all of this. A place where I can post stories, poetry, music and pictures of women who inspire me. I think it will be a great place of reference for me and for Zoë. It's still under construction, but once it's underway, I'll share.

I never took a Women's Studies course in college. I wish I had. Again, I had no vision of my life or what I might really want to do with it. But, we all have the chance to start again. We can reinvent ourselves. That's exciting! Here are a list of women who reinvented themselves later in life...

Phyliss Diller became a comedian at the age of 37. She was told by many club owners that she was "too old" to become a success.

Julia Child didn't even learn to cook until she was almost 40 and didn't launch her popular show until she was 50.

Elizabeth Jolley had her first novel published at the age of 56. In one year alone she received 39 rejection letters but finally had 15 novels and four short story collections published to great success. Mary Wesley was 71 when her first novel was published.

Laura Ingalls Wilder began writing as a columnist in her 40s. Contrary to a belief begun by the TV series about her family, the popular Little House books weren't written when she was a young girl at all. They were written and published when the 'girl' was in her 60's.
(This is a great little website that has a great list of late starters.)

Recently I saw JK Rowling on Oprah...pretty inspiring.

(here's part can find the whole show on YouTube.)

Monday, October 11, 2010

Great way to stop bullying.

What a douche.

I almost have no words for this asshole. I really want to rant...but I won't. I just keep shaking my head.

Thursday, October 07, 2010

God--the controversial blog.

God seems to be pretty popular this week in pop culture. Glee, The Daily Show and Oprah have all dealt with the question of God. Jason and I talked about it a bit...he's pretty much agnostic. I understand that. I also have a friend who recently told me she's an atheist. I understand that, too. I've never been religious. I feared hell as a child. Jason doesn't believe in hell. He's pretty resolute about that. I think my belief in it is ingrained in me. I'd love to be wrong. If anything, it's a conversation--the belief in God. Most of my friends are Christians. I grew up in a very God fearing community. Everyone went to church on Sunday for the most part. There were a lot of Catholics in my class. I dated a couple later--Catholics, not guys in my class. I'd was hard for me. The guy I dated in my late twenties is VERY Catholic. Wow. And, sadly, as much kindness as he could show me, he had a part of him that could hate people for no good reason. His family...again, as kind as they could be to him...weren't so kind to me. We were trying to be serious, but my non-Catholic status kept us from really getting anywhere. (Well, that and a hundred other things) Unfortunately, my experience in that relationship really tainted my view of "good Christian folk."
In my experience...the most religious are the most judgmental. Now, there are exceptions, of course. Usually, for some reason, I've found more women that are less judgmental, but that could be because I have good friends. But, I've also found that some atheists seem to find themselves superior and that the "believers" are ignorant pawns. The movie, Religulous" was very condescending. I feel that Bill Maher goes too far. If you don't want to believe, then don't. But, I think it is wrong to make people who follow a religion out to be ridiculous. I do find some ignorant, but mostly for blind hated against others.
I struggle with the "Christian" stance on homosexuality. That alone really keeps me from looking into finding a Christian church that works for me. I find when people start talking about immediately turns me off. The "I would never be mean to someone who was gay, but I don't believe in their lifestyle." Ugh...vomit. So holier than thou.
Another turn off is the idea that people of the Jewish faith will not go to heaven. I remember my freshman year at KU when a girl came to my friend's room to convert her to Christianity. She's Jewish. She told her that she would go to hell if she didn't believe Jesus was the son of God. Wow. That nipped that in the bud for me. I can't tolerate that kind of ignorance. It pains me to hear such things. You know what though...I guess I'm a hypocrite because I feel that way about most "Christians." The judgmental lifestyle isn't much for me either. The arguing inside churches, yuck. (Yes, I know many churches don't have inner battles, but I've known 2 in the past year.) The "if you don't believe in Jesus you're going to hell" thing REALLY annoys me.
I haven't addressed The Bible. I will first start out and say I haven't read the whole thing. But, when I used to read in it, I found most of it to be full of great lessons. I think it's a nice piece of literature. I don't take it literally, but many do. It's an old book. It's been republished many, many times. It's been reinterpreted many times. It has some great things in it. I was never taught that it was something to base my life on. I'll let Z decide that for herself. More importantly than if you believe in The Bible or not, is what you DO believe! (I like Kevin Costner's answer in Bull Durham, but I'll list my own.)

This is what I believe--today.

* I believe that there is a higher power and why not call it God.
* I believe in the soul.
* I believe in kindness and compassion.
* I believe in keeping an open mind.
* I believe in angels.
-my friend Carrie told me about an angel that visited her before she died and I've held on to that story as my proof since then.
* I believe that Jesus lived and was a wonderful teacher.
* I believe that homosexuals are born homosexual. Yes, God made them that way. (thank God!)
* I believe proof of God is found in nature...and in the fact that we all have individual souls.
* I don't believe any one religion is wrong. I believe that God is found anywhere--not just with Jesus.

Now that I've alienated most anyone that reads this...I just wanted to address these things. It's my lesson of the day. I figure, we all need to address this in our selves. People are dying all over the world because of their beliefs. It's better to know what yours are.

Ten bucks says Jason will read this and say that I should take it not to upset too many people. It's not meant to upset anyone....I was just thinking about it and one day I can look back and read this. Who knows what I'll be believing then. Life has a way of changing our beliefs as we move through it.

Tuesday, October 05, 2010


The results of the first comprehensive sex study in 20 years came out today. This had me thinking a lot about sex. I was surprised at some of the finding and not so surprised about others. I will say here that with my husband, I've never faked an orgasm. Actually, I think I've only faked it one time in my life. I didn't have an orgasm during sex until well into my 20s. I think that's right. My first time was at 17 with my first love. I couldn't tell you if I had an orgasm or not, I don't think so. During that time, I don't think I cared. I was young. I had no idea what I was doing. I knew that I enjoyed it and that I was in love. I didn't feel as if I was neglected in any way. Sex to me has always been somewhat of a power play. Without it, I do feel powerless in a relationship. That's not healthy is it? I rely upon it and become insecure without it. Those are my issues. I'm sure I'm not the only one. It's interesting read sex practices of others. You can look deeper into this analysis at their website:

National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior

Here are some of their findings:
  • There is enormous variability in the sexual repertoires of U.S. adults, with more than 40 combinations of sexual activity described at adults’ most recent sexual event.
  • Many older adults continue to have active pleasurable sex lives, reporting a range of different behaviors and partner types, however adults over the age of 40 have the lowest rates of condom use. Although these individuals may not be as concerned about pregnancy, this suggests the need to enhance education efforts for older individuals regarding STI risks and prevention.
  • About 85% of men report that their partner had an orgasm at the most recent sexual event; this compares to the 64% of women who report having had an orgasm at their most recent sexual event. (A difference that is too large to be accounted for by some of the men having had male partners at their most recent event.)
  • Men are more likely to orgasm when sex includes vaginal intercourse; women are more likely to orgasm when they engage in a variety of sex acts and when oral sex or vaginal intercourse is included.
  • While about 7% of adult women and 8% of men identify as gay, lesbian or bisexual, the proportion of individuals in the U.S. who have had same-gender sexual interactions at some point in their lives is higher.
  • At any given point in time, most U.S. adolescents are not engaging in partnered sexual behavior. While 40% of 17 year-old males reported vaginal intercourse in the past year, only 27% reported the same in the past 90 days.
  • Adults using a condom for intercourse were just as likely to rate the sexual extent positively in terms of arousal, pleasure and orgasm than when having intercourse without one.

Monday, October 04, 2010

Dr. House?

My month of learning takes a turn today. I thought I would have learned something more about my aching feet and hands and I didn't. I went to the doctor, a rheumatologist actually and he is perplexed. He's going to run more blood tests to see if I have Lupus. He's also checking my Vitamin D. ??? He prescribed stronger anti-inflammatory meds that I have yet to get from Walgreens. So, I'm kind of down about it. I hate not knowing the answers. I'm sick of my body aching and feeling so old! The fact that all this is coupled with my having hip replacement already...makes me feel so brittle. I worry about my bones and joints. I worry about keeping up with Z. I've started stretching and exercising every morning in the loft as Z plays. It's been really good for me. I can now touch my toes! (I haven't been able to do that for a long time.)

Don't try to diagnose yourself on the internet. Well, you should, but I shouldn't. I can't find anything that matches my symptoms. You know...I really want House to be real. Aside from the fact that I can't figure this out...Hugh Laurie is hot.

I really don't think it's Lupus. I think it has to fall into some type of arthritis. Shit!!!!

Sunday, October 03, 2010

Lesson 2...just for fun.

Well, I did marginally well on the Citizen's test. I realized how much I needed to brush up on my government--and my mom was my high school government/history teacher. That's embarrassing. Out of 100, I'd forgotten about a third. Gulp!

Lesson for today...the history of Rap. (HA!) It's Sunday night...just thought it would be fun. I'll get serious tomorrow.


(again, cut and paste--will someone let me know how to get a link on here? The link button doesn't work!)

Friday, October 01, 2010

31 days of using my 1

October is my month to learn new things. I am feeling a little blah, so I thought I'd try to research something new each day to feel a bit more interesting. After all of the news on Arizona (no comment)- I was wondering if I'd be able to pass the citizenship test.

What does the Arizona law do?

Arizona's law orders immigrants to carry their alien registration documents at all times and requires police to question people if there's reason to suspect they're in the United States illegally.

It also targets those who hire illegal immigrant laborers or knowingly transport them.

I found 100 sample questions and thought I'd see how well I did. Feel free to test your own knowledge. I think we should all be able to do this, right?? I'll post the questions here and then tell you my score later. (I have to get ready for a field trip with Z and Jason right now...) If you click on the question, the answer is there. (don't cheat!!)

I've already looked over some of the questions and am so embarrassed to find that I've forgotten many of these facts. This is a great place for me to start my month. Time to learn them!!

(later)ok--this is A LOT of questions!! Maybe 100 is overdoing it. Who has time to read all of these and answer? My gosh. I'm going to do my best here...but wow. I'd rather have multiple choice!

1. What are the colors of our flag?

2. How many stars are there in our flag?

3. What color are the stars on our flag?

4. What do the stars on the flag mean?

5. How many stripes are there in the flag?

6. What color are the stripes?

7. What do the stripes on the flag mean?

8. How many states are there in the Union?

9. What is the 4th of July?

10. What is the date of Independence Day?

11. Independence from whom?

12. What country did we fight during the Revolutionary War?

13. Who was the first President of the United States?

14. Who is the President of the United States today?

15. Who is the vice-president of the United States today?

16. Who elects the President of the United States?

17. Who becomes President of the United States if the President should die?

18. For how long do we elect the President?

19. What is the Constitution?

20. Can the Constitution be changed?

21. What do we call a change to the Constitution?

22. How many changes or amendments are there to the Constitution?

23. How many branches are there in our government?

24. What are the three branches of our government?

25. What is the legislative branch of our government?

26. Who makes the laws in the United States?

27. What is the Congress?

28. What are the duties of Congress?

29. Who elects the Congress?

30. How many senators are there in Congress?

31. Can you name the two senators from your state?

32. For how long do we elect each senator?

33. How many representatives are there in Congress?

34. For how long do we elect the representatives?

35. What is the executive branch of our government?

36. What is the judiciary branch of our government?

37. What are the duties of the Supreme Court?

38. What is the supreme court law of the United States?

39. What is the Bill of Rights?

40. What is the capital of your state?

41. Who is the current governor of your state?

42. Who becomes President of the United States if the President and the vice-president should die?

43. Who is the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court?

44. Can you name thirteen original states?

45. Who said, "Give me liberty or give me death."?

46. Which countries were our enemies during World War II?

47. What are the 49th and 50th states of the Union?

48. How many terms can the President serve?

49. Who was Martin Luther King, Jr.?

50. Who is the head of your local government?

51. According to the Constitution, a person must meet certain requirements in order to be eligible to become President. Name one of these requirements.

52. Why are there 100 Senators in the Senate?

53. Who selects the Supreme Court justice?

54. How many Supreme Court justice are there?

55. Why did the Pilgrims come to America?

56. What is the head executive of a state government called?

57. What is the head executive of a city government called?

58. What holiday was celebrated for the first time by the Americans colonists?

59. Who was the main writer of the Declaration of Independence?

60. When was the Declaration of Independence adopted?

61. What is the basic belief of the Declaration of Independence?

62. What is the national anthem of the United States?

63. Who wrote the Star-Spangled Banner?

64. Where does freedom of speech come from?

65. What is a minimum voting age in the United States?

66. Who signs bills into law?

67. What is the highest court in the United States?

68. Who was the President during the Civil War?

69. What did the Emancipation Declaration do?

70. What special group advises the President?

71. Which President is called the "Father of our country"?

72. What Immigration and Naturalization Service form is used to apply to become a naturalized citizen?

73. Who helped the Pilgrims in America?

74. What is the name of the ship that brought the Pilgrims to America?

75. What are the 13 original states of the U.S. called?

76. Name 3 rights of freedom guaranteed by the Bill of Rights.

77. Who has the power to declare the war?

78. What kind of government does the United States have?

79. Which President freed the slaves?

80. In what year was the Constitution written?

81. What are the first 10 amendments to the Constitution called?

82. Name one purpose of the United Nations?

83. Where does Congress meet?

84. Whose rights are guaranteed by the Constitution and the Bill of Rights?

85. What is the introduction to the Constitution called?

86. Name one benefit of being citizen of the United States.

87. What is the most important right granted to U.S. citizens?

88. What is the United States Capitol?

89. What is the White House?

90. Where is the White House located?

91. What is the name of the President's official home?

92. Name the right guaranteed by the first amendment.

93. Who is the Commander in Chief of the U.S. military?

94. Which President was the first Commander in Chief of the U.S. military?

95. In what month do we vote for the President?

96. In what month is the new President inaugurated?

97. How many times may a Senator be re-elected?

98. How many times may a Congressman be re-elected?

99. What are the 2 major political parties in the U.S. today?

100. How many states are there in the United States today?

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Time to feel Faaaabulous.

Please cut and paste--

I can never get the damn links to work on this site.
This clip makes me happy. It's odd if you haven't seen the movie, sorry. I saw it in college at this really cool theatre and it was such a great experience. Every time I see this movie it takes me back that point in my life. I was in college with new people around me and a whole new life ahead of me. I felt so alive.
Anyway, I just wanted to share this with you. I think it's fun and beautiful--the movie actually won an Oscar for Best Art Direction I believe. The costumes are amazing. Enjoy.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The Bright Side.

Today, I hung the Beatles pics in the laundry room finally and folded laundry. I took Z for a beautiful walk around the neighborhood. I swept out the garage that we are still in the process of sorting. I rearranged the loft so there would be more space. I cleaned the litter box. I cleaned the kitchen and swept off the deck. I paid the New York Times bill. Yes, I'm productive. Do any of these things really matter? Not really, but it's my day. Each day is full of housework and baby time. Do I miss working outside the home? Sometimes. I miss being productive for a group of people. I miss having people come by my desk and chat. I miss feeling like I made someone's day easier. Yet, I have that now as well. Z figured out how to lean over and give me a kiss today. She's been doing great with the little rings around the pole as well. She's standing more. Her laugh has more belly in it. She's happy. The house is a pleasant place to be. When it's dark and's probably my favorite place to be. The loft--mid afternoon with the windows open and the sounds of the trees's just good. We all have such different lives. Jason is stuck in his office all day with the internet that keeps crashing. He doesn't enjoy his day as much as I do. My Chicago friends are at work in their offices and dealing with awesome lunch choices--and maybe some traffic. Maybe they leave work and hear the sounds of Chicago surrounding them. (I miss that, especially the trains) My mommy friends are tired and wishing for a shower--but loving that their children are making memories each and every day that involve them. Everyone has challenges and happiness in each of their lives. It's amazing to me. I feel very alone at times. I think we all do. Work is too much. The stress and the time spent in front of a computer. I don't miss that. Jason struggles with it daily. He hates it. Some believe that hard work is what life is all about. I'm not sure about that. Today, I was walking in my neighborhood and the trees provided a canopy over us--the water was rushing in the creek down below and the air was warm and breezy--I'll say that today I didn't miss being in the office. Nope. But, I did wish someone was there to really talk to.

This particular post has no point. It's just my thoughts as I sit here. I can hear Jason working in his office. I can hear his little bouts of frustration during the day. I know I struggle with the "stay at home" thing...but today, it's not bad at all.

(these pics are from my walk today.)

Monday, September 27, 2010


There are two couples of friends that took me in during two difficult times of trouble. The first couple, who I lived with in Cincinnati, now live in KC with their four children and are going strong. The other couple that I lived with in Chicago, I learned this past weekend, is getting divorced. I was in such shock in hearing the news that I've thought of little else since. Because I lived with them, I felt like a part of my family was breaking up. They took care of me in a lot of ways. They looked past a lot of crap and tried to help a friend. It's a permanent part of my history that they helped me and I wouldn't be where I am if it weren't for either couple. It's not even that we talk often or that I see them's just the fact that they were out there. Learning of a divorce now that I'm married feels differently than before. I've had two friends that have gone through it and are much better for it. It's just that this seems so sudden--of course I'm on the outside looking in. It reminded me of the movie, "The Four Seasons." You have a central couple that are a big part of a group of friends--and then they don't work causes a ripple effect and everyone feels it. Everyone is shocked and saddened. Everyone has opinions and worries. They are a part of a bigger picture and selfishly, friends don't like when the picture is flawed. My first instinct is to ask every question possible--I want to understand everything. (As if I'm the only one affected.) The real life part of this is that neither party has the answers. They have feelings and questions and are hurting, too. Divorce affects everyone around you. Jason and I were just talking about the fact that we are still (and will always) deal with the repercussions of our parents' divorce. We still have to deal with holiday crap and how much time is spent. We have to deal with pictures around the house and make sure not one family is shown more than the other. We have to deal with the amount of time Z spends with each. It's a nightmare. And when friends separate--it's "who do we invite?" No one wants anyone to be uncomfortable. And everyone loves them both...and they just want it all to be the way it was. Ugh.
You start to look at your own marriage as well. You question the stability. You get scared thinking this is a possibility. Marriage is hard. It becomes more and more apparent that communication is the key.
I'm just more than bummed. I'm sad and mad and then sad again. There are no words to help either of them. It's just shitty and we'll all just have to be kind to both and hope life after will get better.

But for just sucks.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Missed opportunities

So, I know it seems that I'm depressed and too reflective, but it's not true. I'm's fall...and I get reflective in the fall. Seeing the leaves turn and fall to the ground makes me think about past lives. It's a tricky thing to think about. I love my life now and I love where I am and who I am with. Yet, the nagging of my inner being persists. I don't feel nearly as interesting as I'd like to feel. I know the steps I need to take in the short term. They are hard for me. Ok, I need to stop watching so much damn TV. I need to read more. I need to get outside at least once a day for a walk. I need to write more about things I'm learning about rather than things I regret. So, October is going to be my "things I learned today" blog. I'm enrolling myself into a class of Wikipedia and Internet searches while Z sleeps. I'm going to write down a list of things I'd like to learn more about or just know in general and research them for one day. My mind is starting to wilt. I can feel it. The weather is going to be beautiful and inspiring and it's time to be out in it! I had choices in the either go the easy route or go the route that would make myself more interesting. I chose the wrong path several times. I did move to Chicago- a plus. I moved to Cincinnati for a short time- a plus. I hung out with smart and amazing people--good choice! I married intellect and kindness (and he just happens to be hot...but that was a bonus)--good choice! But all that has to do with the outside self. Now, I need to make some internal choices. I need to start beaming from the inside out. Right now...I feel dim. I hate it. I don't want Z to detect it, so I need to nip it in the bud now. I can't stand whining and I am doing it a lot. Time to stop.

Thursday, September 23, 2010


I often give advice to Z as she takes a bath. It normally comes from whatever is on my mind that day. Today, after browsing a friends amazing portfolio, this came to mind:

I think one of my biggest suggestions for you is to let love find you. Don't seek it out. Don't make it your reason for being. Yes, movies make it seem as if it's the most amazing thing, but don't believe it. It is ONE amazing thing in a whole world of amazing things. I wasted a lot of my youth on focusing on it, and only it. That was my issue. I loved well and was loved well, but I didn't look for what was inside of me. What were my passions that didn't involve a man? It can easily be confused. Also, if and when you feel lost, don't cling to others' dreams. The best love will come to you after you've made yourself into the person you'd like to be. I know this is what everyone says. "Don't look for it." I know. And you won't do this. You will fall in love the first chance you get. You will think it's everything. And you will be is everything to you at that moment. Life is full of moments where the most important thing is always in front of you. Most often times, it's somewhere else. This is a bunch of crap, honey. You'll go through life and often wonder "what if..." What if you'd pursued that passion or if you'd been brave enough to go somewhere different. What if you hadn't dated this person. What if you had tried harder. What if you'd listened to everyone around you. And you'll feel at 35 that your life is behind you. That's ridiculous. Make something of the things around you. You are the best thing I made. Your daddy is the best decision I made. Now...I just need to make some internal decisions in order to feel I'm a good example to you. All of this sounds so damn Hallmarky. I'm going to try to not control you and not be down on high school boyfriends or when you want to be so in love you can't think straight. I will try to understand young lust. I will try to understand your romantic heart, but know that I want more than great love and great sex for you. I want you to feel fulfilled. I want you to know that you stand on your own. That you will add to someone's life and not be completed by it.

You will most likely feel lost a lot in your life. I feel lost a lot. I have no idea what to look for, but it is for sure that I'm missing it. I have so much and yet I feel like I've misplaced something.

What the hell is it?