Friday, December 31, 2010
Tonight we welcome 2011. A new year. I love the opportunity to reflect and look ahead. I have so many things I'd like to see come to fruition in the new year. Most have to do with my inner self. I'm constantly trying to find ways to become a better me. One of the things I could do is to stop looking backwards and regretting things I can't change and focus on how I want to live the rest of my life. How do I want to affect those who come into contact with me? We all have those friends in our lives who energize us and make us feel happier to be around them. I want to be one of those people. I feel that I've used up my years of being judgmental and sarcastic. It's time to be more positive and motivating. Smile more. Laugh more. See the bright side. Life is so full of things that drag us down--it's not easy to trudge through when we encounter horrible losses. It's hard to understand why bad things happen. It's hard to wonder if we could have done something more in certain situations. However, you CAN do something. Learn. Try again. Move through it. I've seen a lot of sadness this year in my life and in the lives of others. It is hard to comfort those who are so bereft. Some don't want to feel better it seems. (This used to be me.) Feeling better and trying to move on doesn't make what you went through any lesser of an experience. It doesn't come across to others that you didn't care. It's survival. It's being better for yourself and for those around you. It is true that you can become stronger after great loss.
2011 is a year for being stronger and better and happier than you've been before. You can break the mold you've created for yourself. You can change how you feel about anything! You can become brighter and you can learn as many new things as you can fit into each day. I want to feel differently about things. I want to be more cheerful. I want to lose some of the armor I wear each day in order to not get hurt--and just be present. I want to be better. I want Z to see me as a positive force in her life.
It sounds like I got high before I wrote this...but I swear, it's just me...wanting to change.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Here are some of the goals I have thus far:
1. Read more
2. Create photo albums (because having all of our pics on the computer isn't user friendly)
3. Start Z's scrapbook.
4. Shop by a list (this will be the hardest)
5. hit the gym 3x a week.
6. Clear out old paper work.
7. Be more positive, overall.
8. Plan family outings
9. Write a letter a week--an art that is slipping away...and my fam and friends will enjoy it!
10. Write daily--blog or journal.
Yes, of course I want to eat better and get more sleep, but that's a given. I'm energized by this list! I love the idea of restarting. I'm going to print my list and put it on the fridge to keep me honest.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Today is a day for napping and slowly putting our things away. We still have many icicles but no leaks. I'm not ready for the holiday to be over. Being away from home during the holiday was nice, but spending Christmas day on the beach was surreal. It just didn't feel quite right. The Vidmars were engrossed in Mad Men and so we watched that daily as they are trying to catch up to the current season. I own the seasons, so I'd seen each episode 3 times already. However, listening to them discuss Don Draper's actions was amusing. We also played poker almost every day. I'm getting better...but now will have a drought for months probably. Jason isn't into card games.
I'll post some pics of Z at Disney World soon. That was a great time. She was only there for 5 hours. The grandparents came to get her and 5 of us stayed out late. We spent the evening in Epcot going from country to country drinking and eating...and shopping. So much fun! At 9 some were pooped--we'd been at it since 8am. J and I were ready to head back to the Magic Kingdom and see the fireworks, so we went alone. Wow...just beautiful!! It really does make you feel like a kid to be there. It was so nicely done. Just a great way to spend the day.
Z and J are now taking naps and the dishwasher is running in the background...all is good.
Friday, December 17, 2010
We're headed to Orlando tomorrow for Christmas. I'm looking forward to it in a way. When I get there, I'll be happy. Getting there is the key. Getting my husband to unplug and relax is going to be a chore. He's so stressed out that he broke out in hives this evening. His age is catching up with him. His body is pissed about how it's been treated and it's showing him. J isn't a good sleeper. He works all the time. His mind will not shut off. It's actually pretty horrible. He's a perfectionist...but he's also a procrastinator. Those two make for some horrible sleeping hours.
I doubt I'll be able to blog from FL. I'll post pics when I return of Z's encounter with Disney characters. She will have no idea who they are, but the Magic Kingdom should be done up for the holidays so it will be pretty to be there. I want to see Black Swan. That's what I want for Christmas!! Someone stay with my child so I can see a freaking movie!
Last night, I had a dream about James Franco. I'm not sure why I'm sharing this...because it was THAT kind of dream. I woke up with a huge crush. May need to see his movie too.
Let's hope I dream of him tonight as well! :)
Happy Holidays to anyone coming across this post. Make a list of what you are thankful for and put it on the fridge...I think you'll realize there's more than you think.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Z seems to be giving up one of her naps during the day. This sucks. The morning nap allows me to shower and get ready for the day. The afternoon nap allows me to either clean house or nap myself! (Or to research a book I haven't read) Please let this just be a phase. She's teething badly and has been all out of sorts.
I'm DREADING the flight to Orlando on Saturday. I can't wait to get there...but holding Z on my lap seems to be a crazy move. She wants to walk. She won't want to sit for over 2 hours. I feel a lot of "looks" and glances coming our way. I've always been very nice to other mothers on planes with children who scream--please let this be my pay it forward moment.
I'm really hoping there is at least one interesting person tonight. Could I have a future friend? I feel like I'm speed friending. I want to sit down with each person for a few minutes and decide whether I want to pursue a friendship with them or not. I have wonderful friends...but none of them live here. I miss having someone to go to eat or to movies with--other than J, of course. Please don't let this be a singles meet up group.
An update to come...
Monday, December 13, 2010
I've been watching Inside Actor's Studio for years. Last night, I watched James Franco. And it happened again. This thing that always happens. When I watch it, I have some sort of magical experience...like the universe is talking to me. I know this sounds crazy. But, I feel very connected to the actor on stage...like I have an inner voice that's trying to get out. I've always felt that I had some type of art inside of me. I've wrestled with the idea of a book. I've thought about scripts. I feel that I should have pursued being a film producer. I just told Jason a few weeks ago that I feel I would be a great film producer. I feel I could write some type of script that may not be Oscar worthy, but I feel that I would be proud of it. It's in here...somewhere. I feel it. (Is this really strange and conceited?) It's more like there is something inside me that I know needs to get out. By the end of IAS, I always put myself on stage and answer James Lipton's questions. So, last night I thought..."what a great idea! I'll just write how I want the interview to go--like a creative writing exercise...and maybe I'll find some type of inspiration or maybe the idea will come out naturally."
This is jr. highish, I realize it. It's almost like I'm going to write my epitaph and then see if I can live my life in accordance to it. I'll be living backwards.
So, anyway, I'm headed to Orlando at the end of the week and I'm going to make this my assignment. When I'm done, I'll post it.
If you haven't watched Inside The Actor's Studio on BRAVO...you should really try to take in an episode or two. They really are inspiring. Streisand's is my favorite. Netflix has some you can get. Hulu has clips of episodes.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
My dad was here for 5 days, so I've been neglectful here. It was a great visit. We have a long history of me being a total nervous wreck when he's around, but this time was different. He was open and complimentary and very easy to be around. I do enjoy that some things get better with age. My relationships are one. I still have some to work on, but this one took a long time to get to this point.
Z turned 1 last Sunday. I can't believe it. She can now be forward facing in the car. Unreal. She's getting away from the bottle. She drinks from a sippy cup! She drinks whole milk instead of formula. She shows frustration a lot more. She also shows joy in a great number of new ways. She can say mamamamama and dadadada. I'm not sure she understands what she's saying, but I'll take it.
I've been a little off the radar for a bit. My friends are starting to contact me to see if I'm still around. I need to send out Thank You notes that are WAYYY past due today. Looks like I need to check back into Valerie for a bit and Mommy needs to take a break.
The snow is here for good. The icicles are ripping through our home and we have had 2 major leaks already. Ugh. We get a break today but tomorrow bring another big storm. Today everything is melting and slushy and dreary. I need to shower and start my day feeling human.
Friday, December 03, 2010
Least to say, I'm tired today. I have much to do. Z and I will drive to Cleveland tomorrow to meet J. He's there for business and is staying over to wait for us. My dad is coming to Rochester on Monday. The house needs some help. The laundry needs doing. The yard is a disaster. I'm going to do my best today to get as many chores done as I can. All I want to do is nap. I looked at myself in the mirror and I look awful. I'm starting to get permanent dark circles under my eyes. It's not a pretty sight.
The snow will be here all of next week. It's official: it's cold out. Damn. I love the fluffy, beautiful white covering...but I hate the cold.
Let's end on a positive note. I worked out 3x this week at the gym. (but haven't stopped desserts) If I could just stop snacking...
Thursday, December 02, 2010
Give me strength to get through this. Make it snow so we don't have to go.
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
It all worked out in the end, but I constantly think of going back in time. I'd like to see my parents as young children. I'd love to understand where certain parts of their personalities come from. I'd love to go back in my own life...to see how I was at 5. It's very Emily Webbish (Our Town) to have this desire, but I think about it a lot. I feel like Mad Men is a cool way to learn about how life was in the 1960s. Although it's scripted, just seeing the fashions and the reactions to historic events is interesting.
I want to go back and talk to my mom when she was 18. I want to know what her thoughts were about her life. What did she want back then?
Don't you think that would be fascinating?
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
So yesterday I was still a bit blue about my family leaving, but today I've perked up and decided the best way to fight the blues is to decorate the house! It's cold and rainy (and will be for days) outside and there's no better time to make the inside of the house warm and festive.
Oh, here's the pics of our new wallpaper. I love it. The bathroom is harder to see, but it's green vines...it used to be peach paint. yuck.
We're spending Christmas in Florida so maybe the decorations will be tamed down this year. Last year I was pregnant and went a little crazy with them. The house was lit up in every room. Z will be walking and grabbing everything in sight, so I think all the decs will be put out of her reach. No big tree for her to pull down. I've never had a destination Christmas. It'll be less stress I think. We're trying to decide about Epcot, The Magic Kingdom and/or Universal Studios. The tickets are $82/piece! I think we'll have to pick one. Z is too young to understand or remember anything so I think she'll be chilling with gma and gpa. I don't want to scare her with life sized stuffed animals that walk around. That could be frightening.
It's the time of year to take stock in what you have. To think about all the things that make your life great. I spend a lot of time looking back and wishing I'd done some things differently--but, we're here now and we're happy and I wouldn't change a thing about the outcome. Life lessons are so hard. To think I have to watch Z go through tough times ahead as she figures it all out makes me tired. I'm so much of a control freak at this point in my life...I'll need to remember I can't make her life choices. (Although sometimes I wish I'd had someone to make mine for me.)
The soreness in my ankles has gone away. Could it be that I was depressed and didn't know it? The pills seem to have worked. How odd.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
We celebrated little Zoë's 1st birthday a bit early. Some fam was in town for Thanksgiving...so, what the heck. She got her angel food cupcake with my grandma's frosting recipe EARLY! She did a great job!
Thanksgiving was fantastic...but man, I was exhausted. I went to bed at 7:30 last night. I slept 13 hours. It was amazing.
I've been away from this for a while. My mom and sister were in and I didn't spend time in front of the computer. Now, life will get back to normal and I'll be writing my questions and observations again. It's hard to come down from having family in. (depending on the family members...) It was great to be around my mom and sister--we were able to laugh a lot- something we all needed. We know each others boundaries and kept well within the "what not to talk about" lines. We focused more on enjoying the time...and eating. I'm not sure I've ever been to the grocery store more in a week.
Tonight, the air is frosty, Z is sleeping blissfully, I'm well rested after 2 naps today and my house is quiet. The silence is welcomed yet, makes me miss the chaotic surroundings. I think we're going to start trying for baby #2. It's time to have another baby around here.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Our bedroom is almost finished! We went with light gray paint to offset the dark wallpaper. I will take a pic when it's finished. I love it. Now we're addicted and want to do all of our projects NOW. We're holding off though...it's nice to do things in stages. It gives you something to look forward to.
Oh, by the way, the December issue of Oprah's mag (it's a blue cover, I think it's December) has some really great gift ideas!!! Just a heads up.
I'm hoping the gifts will be less this year. I'd like to focus on time spent instead. My memories of the holidays are based around my feelings of togetherness...not of what I got under the tree. Z will be a cute age. She'll like wrapping paper. She has enough toys for now. I think we'll focus on the sights and sounds of Christmas. Oh, and the smells!! The holiday meals...that's the real reason I'm losing weight. I want to gain it back without feeling horrible about myself later.
Sad news--the Japanese Maple lost her leaves yesterday in our big wind storm. She has a few leaves right by the window...almost to say goodbye. I just took pictures of them and will post them later today.
Well, folks, enjoy the day. I plan on reading in my magazines and snipping out gift ideas and recipes. Simple things. The happy me is pretty boring and nauseating. But, I feel better with the thoughts in my head these days. I'm also better to be married to.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
I'm not sure if it's the medication or the anticipation of my family coming, but my mood has lifted. I've felt MUCH better than I have in months. My right hand is still stiff and hot, but my emotional health is enough to keep me balanced. Wendy and Mom are coming in on Sunday and I can't wait. I love visitors. They haven't seen Z in a few months so it will be fun for them to see how much she's grown. I'm hosting Thanksgiving this year, so J's family is also coming to down. We'll have 14 people here for 2 days. I'm thrilled. It's sort of a dream come true really. My favorite memories of childhood are when all of my family got together. It didn't happen after 1982, but I still remember the feeling. It'll be the first holiday my mom will have without her brother. I'm hoping the crowd will keep her mind off of it a bit. She is still suffering a lot. I'm sure it never goes away.
The day is cloudy and dark. My Japanese Maple looks dark red against it...but so calming in a way. It's been rainy and cold. Yet, I've been very well. I started back to the gym. I've gone almost every day and I feel so good about it. Z goes to Miss Marie's --the daycare--and does such a great job! She's so happy and independent. She doesn't seem to miss me at all when I'm gone. I'm actually happy for that. Missing people has controlled my life for a long time. I really don't like it. I was practically immobile in my early 20s because of the thought of leaving people. Of course, to remedy the situation and cure myself...I moved away from everyone to create my own space. I do feel good here. I've always felt that if I lived close to my friends and family, I would fall back into my codependent tendencies. I start to rely too much on them and become needy. Here, I can feel independent and they can come visit. It's more healthy for me.
Ok, now back to watching more about the Royal engagement. I'm oddly entranced by the whole story of Will and Kate. It's a fairy tale for some Americans. We don't have royalty here. I've always loved to learn about their life. Kings and Queens...it's all in stories I heard as a child. From a far...we create anything out of their experiences. It's almost like they aren't real to us.
Friday, November 12, 2010
The week went quickly. I enjoyed the solitude in the evenings. I know Jason missed us, but he seemed to have a good time. He got an autographed picture of the Laker Girls. I don't have anything nearly as interesting to show from my week. Z is getting better on her feet, he'll see that. I've been reading my Nora Ephron book...and would have it finished by now if I wouldn't get tired each time. I haven't blogged because my mind has been somewhat blank this week. And I've been napping pretty much every time Z naps. That's been nice.
I know I need to be more social. Up to this point I really haven't been lonely--not that I am now. But, it would be fun to have some friends that didn't have to fly to see me. I feel like putting an ad in the paper. "Desperately Seeking Someone...Anyone!!"
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
My friend Dustin came in on Friday afternoon. We spent the weekend watching horror movies, visiting Cornell's campus in Ithaca and playing with Zoë. She took about 36 hours to warm up to him but was in love with him by the last day. He went with me to take her to Barnes and Noble's story time. I let her down and watched her crawl/walk around and greet the other children. HUGE smiles and finally sat across from me with another baby. She's not afraid. She's so social and happy. I felt a little sad. She's independent. It's a good thing. It's exactly how I'd want her to act.
Having D here was good for the soul. We've been friends for 10 years or so. It's nice to be around someone that knows you. We've both struggled with similar things in our lives. And now, he's happy, settled into a stable relationship and loves his job. Maybe those who struggle the most in their 20s and make it out alive are seasoned veterans of life and go on with a great sense of self. We know where are weaknesses are and having such low times in the past makes for a great point of reference for appreciating fully what we have now.
Jason is gone until Friday night. He's in LA at a sales conference. I know it was hard for him to leave Z. He has a hotel room overlooking downtown LA. He's eating well and being entertained. I'm eating cereal for dinner and trying to keep my house plants alive. However, I do feel we're both relaxing in our own way. The time away from each other is good I feel. Sometimes being a couple causes you to forget the joys of solitude. I'm reveling in it. After Z goes to bed, the house is quiet. The computers are off and I'm just left with myself. I'm happy to report that I still like myself and that even though I feel the outside world could classify my existence as dull, I feel happy and at home.
After Z wakes, I'm headed to Target for baby supplies and hopefully they have Nora Ephron's new book! I love her take on life. She wrote a book about aging that I'm really excited to read. I've been reading journal entries in May Sarton's memoir "At Seventy" and trying to learn some lessons of life of the women who have more of a perspective. I wish there was a kind of mentoring program for people my age. You can join Big Brothers/Big Sisters...but I want one where I get to spend time with a woman in her 60s and hear how life has taught her. Yes, I could talk to my own mother. Maybe a group of women. I'm not a leader, never have been. I follow. I look to others to guide my way. I'm hoping my book club will have some new teachers for me.
I'm rambling...more when it happens.
Wednesday, November 03, 2010
Dustin comes on Friday morning until Monday night. Hooray!!! I can focus my energies on girl time. It will be great to hang out and talk and talk and talk. (This is what we do normally...talk from the time say hi until we say goodbye.) It's good for the soul.
I'll take the meds and reevaluate in week or two. The doc wants to see me in 6 weeks.
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
I'm about to go vote Democrat for NY Gov. I CAN'T STAND Carl Paladino. Ugh. I really despise him. If he became Gov I would think about moving.
Monday, November 01, 2010
i love new beginnings. i love the unexplored. again, ode to a grecian urn is my life. keats died so young...but he really connected to something there.
if you're out there reading this and you are at a place in your life where you're restarting or in a new place in life...RELISH it. it can be scary, yes...but it can also bring you new life.
My body aches today. The weather dropped about 30 degrees in just days. My joints are puffy and hurt. I am headed to the doctor on Friday. I was suppose to take the anti-inflammatory drugs for a month and I haven't. I forgot. I'm going to lie to the doctor. I need answers. I'm going to take them this week religiously. Then, lie.
Halloween was great fun. We all dressed up and had one trick or treater. That sucked. But, we had a blast ourselves. We made pizza and took pictures of Z. She seemed to like our costumes and didn't mind her own. It was a success. The lack of doorbell rings could be because it was freezing. It rained and then it hailed. Yeah, too cold for walking up our long drive. Our street is also very dark and windy and the houses are set back in trees...and it's not a through street. It screams, "we'll yank your kid into our house and you'll never see them again." But in the daytime it's soooooo pretty!
Friday, October 29, 2010
Man, I love this movie!!!
It's Friday and I'm tired. Too tired. What is going on? I'm like mono tired. I can't remember names or places or how to put a bottle together correctly. I spilled all over the kitchen. I still have to make a cake. I still need to clean. J's parents are coming tomorrow. must clean house. damn. j's asleep downstairs. what a bastard. (i mean this in a loving way...)
Thursday, October 28, 2010
First of all, how cool is this cake? I'm going to do a graveyard cake, but may attempt this one next year. I got the idea from The Today Show.
I'll do my best to take a pic of my cake--but don't expect much.
J and I love Halloween. We love horror movies...and scaring each other. We know that for a few years we'll have to tone it down. Z may not appreciate it too much.
However, even though J likes it, he isn't much for dressing up. That's all of the fun! I'm headed out to find something he'll put on. I think Z (in the future) will appreciate that her parents really get into it. It's fun. It is a bonding time for the family and it shows her we don't take ourselves too seriously. Halloween is a holiday without family drama. No worries of visiting anyone. No fights over the table. Just candy, costumes and some scares. I'm hoping Jason will get more into it as the years go by.
My mom hates Halloween. She shuts off all of the lights and ignores it. BOOO!!! My sister, Wendy and I have always loved it. My dad would dress up in a mask and give candy without saying a word--very eerie. I loved it. I think the "devil holiday" is pretty ridiculous. Come on people...kids get to use their imagination...and so do adults! Enjoy it! Eat your weight in candy and have fun with the Fall colors...walking the streets and meeting your neighbors.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
The Fall has a way of bringing on the memories. The trees spark colorful memories of college. KU's campus bursts with color in Autumn. Walking down to the football games...walking the streets under the colorful canopies...gosh, how I miss it. Everything was mine for the taking. I met amazing people and had some of the greatest talks of my life. Your life was ahead of you...you could do anything you wanted. I fell into my life. I didn't plan it. Maybe most people do. Now, I crave control and choice. I feel as if I have to take control of the moments of my day. I want to plan it out. I want to make sure it's not wasted. The TV detox is part of that. As a film student, you spend endless hours watching movies. It's amazing. Life is outside! It's in the blowing trees, in the rain beating the pavement, in the sun that lights up the leaves and in sounds of kids in the neighborhood. Do kids spend time outside anymore? Are they all inside on some type of electronic doo-dad? As I sit here typing away on my Mac...listening to my Itunes....my god.
In the next week, my goal is to write 10 letters. 10 lucky people get mail. I think it's time to throw something different out into the universe. HEY!!! UNIVERSE!!! REMEMBER ME?????
Monday, October 25, 2010
Last night J put up the gates at the top of each stair while I updated Z's baby book. Look at all I'm getting done. It's amazing.
I'm teaching Z sign language after a recommendation from my friend Becky. She said it will help Z communicate with me before she can talk. She's a fast learner. She knows the signs for milk, ducks, stars and eat. Not bad. We'll see how much she can actually learn. It's pretty cool how quickly she catches on.
I feel like an overachiever today! (I don't normally feel this way...) But, there's a new Gossip Girl tonight. Laugh if you want...but it's a horribly addicting little show. May have to fall off the wagon for an hour tonight.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
I've been an addict of TV for most of my life. I'm not happy about it, but it's the truth. I'm an escapist. I love to dive into others' lives and take a break from my own. Reading makes me tired and I feel that I'll just sleep all of the time if I read a lot. Maybe I'm just not used to it. I've been thinking a lot about breaking from my TV for a week to start...then maybe 2....ugh. I'd like to spend my time doing other things. I feel I'd get more done. Most moms I know don't even have time to watch tv, so I should start now so I don't get the shakes later. I've been avoiding this post...because as an addict, I was afraid of really doing it--letting the TV go for a bit. See, I even talk like an addict..."for a bit"--I can't just quit. In my struggles of being a stay at home mom zombie...I think it's been nagging at me that I'm becoming my worst nightmare. I love books. My house is full of them. I'm a hypocrite. I live a lie. I look like I read...and I don't. I read pages in a book a day, but not ever really finishing the book! I would like to set a good example for Z and not be a tv zombie. I've been one for long enough and I feel so bored. I thought I could start by limiting myself to how much I watch a day. How much TV is too much? I am too embarrassed to tell you how much I watch currently. I've admitted I have a problem...but I don't want you to know how much of a problem I have.
It's time for a change. Can I do it?? I'm scared of not being able to...but more scared of becoming the most uninteresting person I know!!
I'm going to rake leaves now...and think about how to go about this.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
I always fear loss. Is that morbid? I think of losing Jason every time he has a day on the road. It's awful. I can talk myself into a complete freak out.
Dreams of people always fill me with thoughts of them. I sometimes feel it's a sign that I should reach out somehow. A flood of memories came back to me about our times together--gosh, almost 20 years ago. We've remained in touch and I think of him with such fondness and yes, love. Whenever my brain decides to dream about lovers or boyfriends...it always attaches his face to whatever person I'm dreaming about. Because it was the first imprint of love on my heart--he's always been just a part of my history. I love love, passion and romance. I feel lucky that he created so much of that for me in my life at such a young age. I can easily say that he's the most romantic person I've run across. I have no idea if he grew out of that--we don't talk of things like that now. Now, it's about our families and children. We all grow and change and move on to what our lives will be...and what they were meant to be. I just love that my history was so full of intensity.
Ugh...my heart's been heavy all day. It's all Jason's fault. He told me the night before that he'd dreamed about one of his ex-girlfriend's dying. (THE ex-girlfriend that was the most intense for him...and how sad he was about it.)
Young love is so important. Let's hope Z finds a love to be happy and intense about! The other kind...where you are left feeling empty and broken--let's leave those to those girls who aren't nice to their mothers!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
What is Don Draper doing? I just watched the season finale of Mad Men and am floored by Don's sudden love fest with his secretary. I understand his feelings of loss compounded with her Maria Von Trappness--but to get engaged? Wow. I think men that had an absent mother (or mom that weren't very mommyish) yearn for that at any age.
Mad Men...I find it so damned entertaining...all of it. I love the era, I love the clothes, I love the feeling that I'm somehow peering into past lives of my parents and grandparents. It's like I'm watching behind a couch or something. Don Draper is an odd duck though. I find myself attracted to him, as EVERY woman on the show does, yet so fed up with his crap. My mom can't stand him. He's selfish. Yes. He uses people. Yes. Yet, he has that smart man, good looking, mystery thing happening. He's creative and has presence. This is a character, I know. He's a guy I'd like to have drinks with...but then dump in the end. He really needs to be dumped. The guys just discards women like wrappers. It is gross...and yet so entertaining!
Poor Betty...she's just miserable and becoming just awful. So pretty and yet SO messed up. Don screwed her head up pretty well. She shouldn't have children. She's unhappy and angry.
In my next life, I want to be Joan. How fucking fantastic is she!?
Monday, October 18, 2010
Above is a link to a chart that compares religions side by side...
I found this fascinating...but will have to report back on a deeper level later. I'm studying...(well, actually, I'm going to take a nap while it's possible...but I will be getting back to you...)
Ok, the fact is that if I HAD to choose one that seems to fit how I feel most of the time, it'd be the Baha'i faith. But, when I started to look into it, I started to feel claustrophobic. This is a strange reaction. Any real in depth look into a religion and seeing people worshiping freaks me out. Why is that? Most of my friends say that it's the gathering together that they appreciate the most. For me, it's what makes me the most anxious.
I also felt that I could be Unitarian. Jason and I have discussed going to the Unitarian church in Rochester. Yet, we still haven't gone. I appreciate their open mindedness.
I'd have to really think about this for a long time in order to make a real decision. My first impulse is to shy away from any type of "cataloging" myself into a certain religion. And, thank goodness...no one is asking me to do so. I'm just thinking that Z will eventually ask questions and I'd like to be able to give her some educated answers.
I'm already feeling too heavy. Less heavy blogs to come...
Friday, October 15, 2010
As part of my month of learning new things...I Netflixed a tv documentary series: Art: 21. Art in the 21st Century. It deals with what inspires a particular artist to create a certain piece. It includes works by several contemporary artists. In my journey to find inspiration...I thought this series would be a great way to see what inspires others. So far, it's kind of PBS-y, but I like that.
Behind me, Z is trying her first Kraft single...and she seems to enjoy it! She's not a fan of macaroni and cheese however. hmmm.
More to come on Art. If I see something really inspiring, I'll try to post it.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Today, Oprah did a show about being "normal"--whether our odd ways of living were shared by others. Pretty much mine was considered normal, but I wanted to be a little more diverse. I may have to start cleaning my house naked. Speaking of that, Regis and Kelly say that not seeing your spouse naked is odd. Hmmm. Well, I will say that J and I are not paraders. I can walk around in my underwear, but totally naked? I don't think I've ever been THAT comfortable...even with myself. My little sister...she's amazing. She's TOTALLY fine naked. She's naked a lot. She will have a conversation with you in the buff. I always envied that quality. I'm comfortable in my sexuality. I have no issues there. It's just my body I guess. Is that possible?
I have a friend who sleeps naked. She always has. I have to wear underwear, but I will say that I don't mind being naked in bed. The sheets feel good. Jason is a fully clothed sleeper. He's just not one to sleep even partially naked. Most of the time he's working late and he doesn't want to think about anything but climbing into bed---fully clothed...in work pants and button down. That's pretty damn tired.
Some parents have "naked time" for their kids. Is this normal? One parent has one night where her daughter sleeps with no undies so that she can "air out." Uhh...can someone comment this???
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
I am slow to learn. Not book wise, but socially. I matured late, it seems to me. I watched my friends go through things that I wouldn't go through until years later. There are some that are born wise. I'm in awe of those people. I can look back in my life and see that they were always wise...even in high school. That's amazing. Wise to me means that they can tap into what the world is really about...not what pop culture creates. They always walked their own road. They looked toward the future. I went through life until my early 30s seeing just past my nose. Understanding how your actions today will affect your future is such a great lesson. Knowing what you are and are not ready for in your life...another great lesson. I've always looked to others to find my way--that's kind of messed up, right? Anyway, I've decided to start another blog that deals with all of this. A place where I can post stories, poetry, music and pictures of women who inspire me. I think it will be a great place of reference for me and for Zoë. It's still under construction, but once it's underway, I'll share.
I never took a Women's Studies course in college. I wish I had. Again, I had no vision of my life or what I might really want to do with it. But, we all have the chance to start again. We can reinvent ourselves. That's exciting! Here are a list of women who reinvented themselves later in life...
Phyliss Diller became a comedian at the age of 37. She was told by many club owners that she was "too old" to become a success.
Julia Child didn't even learn to cook until she was almost 40 and didn't launch her popular show until she was 50.
Elizabeth Jolley had her first novel published at the age of 56. In one year alone she received 39 rejection letters but finally had 15 novels and four short story collections published to great success. Mary Wesley was 71 when her first novel was published.
Laura Ingalls Wilder began writing as a columnist in her 40s. Contrary to a belief begun by the TV series about her family, the popular Little House books weren't written when she was a young girl at all. They were written and published when the 'girl' was in her 60's.
(This is a great little website that has a great list of late starters.)
Recently I saw JK Rowling on Oprah...pretty inspiring.
(here's part 1...you can find the whole show on YouTube.)
Monday, October 11, 2010
What a douche.
I almost have no words for this asshole. I really want to rant...but I won't. I just keep shaking my head.
Thursday, October 07, 2010
God seems to be pretty popular this week in pop culture. Glee, The Daily Show and Oprah have all dealt with the question of God. Jason and I talked about it a bit...he's pretty much agnostic. I understand that. I also have a friend who recently told me she's an atheist. I understand that, too. I've never been religious. I feared hell as a child. Jason doesn't believe in hell. He's pretty resolute about that. I think my belief in it is ingrained in me. I'd love to be wrong. If anything, it's a conversation--the belief in God. Most of my friends are Christians. I grew up in a very God fearing community. Everyone went to church on Sunday for the most part. There were a lot of Catholics in my class. I dated a couple later--Catholics, not guys in my class. I'd say...it was hard for me. The guy I dated in my late twenties is VERY Catholic. Wow. And, sadly, as much kindness as he could show me, he had a part of him that could hate people for no good reason. His family...again, as kind as they could be to him...weren't so kind to me. We were trying to be serious, but my non-Catholic status kept us from really getting anywhere. (Well, that and a hundred other things) Unfortunately, my experience in that relationship really tainted my view of "good Christian folk."
In my experience...the most religious are the most judgmental. Now, there are exceptions, of course. Usually, for some reason, I've found more women that are less judgmental, but that could be because I have good friends. But, I've also found that some atheists seem to find themselves superior and that the "believers" are ignorant pawns. The movie, Religulous" was very condescending. I feel that Bill Maher goes too far. If you don't want to believe, then don't. But, I think it is wrong to make people who follow a religion out to be ridiculous. I do find some ignorant, but mostly for blind hated against others.
I struggle with the "Christian" stance on homosexuality. That alone really keeps me from looking into finding a Christian church that works for me. I find when people start talking about it...it immediately turns me off. The "I would never be mean to someone who was gay, but I don't believe in their lifestyle." Ugh...vomit. So holier than thou.
Another turn off is the idea that people of the Jewish faith will not go to heaven. I remember my freshman year at KU when a girl came to my friend's room to convert her to Christianity. She's Jewish. She told her that she would go to hell if she didn't believe Jesus was the son of God. Wow. That nipped that in the bud for me. I can't tolerate that kind of ignorance. It pains me to hear such things. You know what though...I guess I'm a hypocrite because I feel that way about most "Christians." The judgmental lifestyle isn't much for me either. The arguing inside churches, yuck. (Yes, I know many churches don't have inner battles, but I've known 2 in the past year.) The "if you don't believe in Jesus you're going to hell" thing REALLY annoys me.
I haven't addressed The Bible. I will first start out and say I haven't read the whole thing. But, when I used to read in it, I found most of it to be full of great lessons. I think it's a nice piece of literature. I don't take it literally, but many do. It's an old book. It's been republished many, many times. It's been reinterpreted many times. It has some great things in it. I was never taught that it was something to base my life on. I'll let Z decide that for herself. More importantly than if you believe in The Bible or not, is what you DO believe! (I like Kevin Costner's answer in Bull Durham, but I'll list my own.)
This is what I believe--today.
* I believe that there is a higher power and why not call it God.
* I believe in the soul.
* I believe in kindness and compassion.
* I believe in keeping an open mind.
* I believe in angels.
-my friend Carrie told me about an angel that visited her before she died and I've held on to that story as my proof since then.
* I believe that Jesus lived and was a wonderful teacher.
* I believe that homosexuals are born homosexual. Yes, God made them that way. (thank God!)
* I believe proof of God is found in nature...and in the fact that we all have individual souls.
* I don't believe any one religion is wrong. I believe that God is found anywhere--not just with Jesus.
Now that I've alienated most anyone that reads this...I just wanted to address these things. It's my lesson of the day. I figure, we all need to address this in our selves. People are dying all over the world because of their beliefs. It's better to know what yours are.
Ten bucks says Jason will read this and say that I should take it down...so not to upset too many people. It's not meant to upset anyone....I was just thinking about it and one day I can look back and read this. Who knows what I'll be believing then. Life has a way of changing our beliefs as we move through it.
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
The results of the first comprehensive sex study in 20 years came out today. This had me thinking a lot about sex. I was surprised at some of the finding and not so surprised about others. I will say here that with my husband, I've never faked an orgasm. Actually, I think I've only faked it one time in my life. I didn't have an orgasm during sex until well into my 20s. I think that's right. My first time was at 17 with my first love. I couldn't tell you if I had an orgasm or not, I don't think so. During that time, I don't think I cared. I was young. I had no idea what I was doing. I knew that I enjoyed it and that I was in love. I didn't feel as if I was neglected in any way. Sex to me has always been somewhat of a power play. Without it, I do feel powerless in a relationship. That's not healthy is it? I rely upon it and become insecure without it. Those are my issues. I'm sure I'm not the only one. It's interesting read sex practices of others. You can look deeper into this analysis at their website:
National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior
Here are some of their findings:
- There is enormous variability in the sexual repertoires of U.S. adults, with more than 40 combinations of sexual activity described at adults’ most recent sexual event.
- Many older adults continue to have active pleasurable sex lives, reporting a range of different behaviors and partner types, however adults over the age of 40 have the lowest rates of condom use. Although these individuals may not be as concerned about pregnancy, this suggests the need to enhance education efforts for older individuals regarding STI risks and prevention.
- About 85% of men report that their partner had an orgasm at the most recent sexual event; this compares to the 64% of women who report having had an orgasm at their most recent sexual event. (A difference that is too large to be accounted for by some of the men having had male partners at their most recent event.)
- Men are more likely to orgasm when sex includes vaginal intercourse; women are more likely to orgasm when they engage in a variety of sex acts and when oral sex or vaginal intercourse is included.
- While about 7% of adult women and 8% of men identify as gay, lesbian or bisexual, the proportion of individuals in the U.S. who have had same-gender sexual interactions at some point in their lives is higher.
- At any given point in time, most U.S. adolescents are not engaging in partnered sexual behavior. While 40% of 17 year-old males reported vaginal intercourse in the past year, only 27% reported the same in the past 90 days.
- Adults using a condom for intercourse were just as likely to rate the sexual extent positively in terms of arousal, pleasure and orgasm than when having intercourse without one.
Monday, October 04, 2010
Don't try to diagnose yourself on the internet. Well, you should, but I shouldn't. I can't find anything that matches my symptoms. You know...I really want House to be real. Aside from the fact that I can't figure this out...Hugh Laurie is hot.
I really don't think it's Lupus. I think it has to fall into some type of arthritis. Shit!!!!
Sunday, October 03, 2010
Well, I did marginally well on the Citizen's test. I realized how much I needed to brush up on my government--and my mom was my high school government/history teacher. That's embarrassing. Out of 100, I'd forgotten about a third. Gulp!
Lesson for today...the history of Rap. (HA!) It's Sunday night...just thought it would be fun. I'll get serious tomorrow.
(again, cut and paste--will someone let me know how to get a link on here? The link button doesn't work!)
Friday, October 01, 2010
What does the Arizona law do?
Arizona's law orders immigrants to carry their alien registration documents at all times and requires police to question people if there's reason to suspect they're in the United States illegally.
It also targets those who hire illegal immigrant laborers or knowingly transport them.
I found 100 sample questions and thought I'd see how well I did. Feel free to test your own knowledge. I think we should all be able to do this, right?? I'll post the questions here and then tell you my score later. (I have to get ready for a field trip with Z and Jason right now...) If you click on the question, the answer is there. (don't cheat!!)
I've already looked over some of the questions and am so embarrassed to find that I've forgotten many of these facts. This is a great place for me to start my month. Time to learn them!!
(later)ok--this is A LOT of questions!! Maybe 100 is overdoing it. Who has time to read all of these and answer? My gosh. I'm going to do my best here...but wow. I'd rather have multiple choice!
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Please cut and paste--
I can never get the damn links to work on this site.
This clip makes me happy. It's odd if you haven't seen the movie, sorry. I saw it in college at this really cool theatre and it was such a great experience. Every time I see this movie it takes me back that point in my life. I was in college with new people around me and a whole new life ahead of me. I felt so alive.
Anyway, I just wanted to share this with you. I think it's fun and beautiful--the movie actually won an Oscar for Best Art Direction I believe. The costumes are amazing. Enjoy.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Today, I hung the Beatles pics in the laundry room finally and folded laundry. I took Z for a beautiful walk around the neighborhood. I swept out the garage that we are still in the process of sorting. I rearranged the loft so there would be more space. I cleaned the litter box. I cleaned the kitchen and swept off the deck. I paid the New York Times bill. Yes, I'm productive. Do any of these things really matter? Not really, but it's my day. Each day is full of housework and baby time. Do I miss working outside the home? Sometimes. I miss being productive for a group of people. I miss having people come by my desk and chat. I miss feeling like I made someone's day easier. Yet, I have that now as well. Z figured out how to lean over and give me a kiss today. She's been doing great with the little rings around the pole as well. She's standing more. Her laugh has more belly in it. She's happy. The house is a pleasant place to be. When it's dark and quiet...it's probably my favorite place to be. The loft--mid afternoon with the windows open and the sounds of the trees outside--ahhhhh...it's just good. We all have such different lives. Jason is stuck in his office all day with the internet that keeps crashing. He doesn't enjoy his day as much as I do. My Chicago friends are at work in their offices and dealing with awesome lunch choices--and maybe some traffic. Maybe they leave work and hear the sounds of Chicago surrounding them. (I miss that, especially the trains) My mommy friends are tired and wishing for a shower--but loving that their children are making memories each and every day that involve them. Everyone has challenges and happiness in each of their lives. It's amazing to me. I feel very alone at times. I think we all do. Work is too much. The stress and the time spent in front of a computer. I don't miss that. Jason struggles with it daily. He hates it. Some believe that hard work is what life is all about. I'm not sure about that. Today, I was walking in my neighborhood and the trees provided a canopy over us--the water was rushing in the creek down below and the air was warm and breezy--I'll say that today I didn't miss being in the office. Nope. But, I did wish someone was there to really talk to.
This particular post has no point. It's just my thoughts as I sit here. I can hear Jason working in his office. I can hear his little bouts of frustration during the day. I know I struggle with the "stay at home" thing...but today, it's not bad at all.
(these pics are from my walk today.)
Monday, September 27, 2010
You start to look at your own marriage as well. You question the stability. You get scared thinking this is a possibility. Marriage is hard. It becomes more and more apparent that communication is the key.
I'm just more than bummed. I'm sad and mad and then sad again. There are no words to help either of them. It's just shitty and we'll all just have to be kind to both and hope life after will get better.
But for now...it just sucks.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
I think one of my biggest suggestions for you is to let love find you. Don't seek it out. Don't make it your reason for being. Yes, movies make it seem as if it's the most amazing thing, but don't believe it. It is ONE amazing thing in a whole world of amazing things. I wasted a lot of my youth on focusing on it, and only it. That was my issue. I loved well and was loved well, but I didn't look for what was inside of me. What were my passions that didn't involve a man? It can easily be confused. Also, if and when you feel lost, don't cling to others' dreams. The best love will come to you after you've made yourself into the person you'd like to be. I know this is what everyone says. "Don't look for it." I know. And you won't do this. You will fall in love the first chance you get. You will think it's everything. And you will be right...it is everything to you at that moment. Life is full of moments where the most important thing is always in front of you. Most often times, it's somewhere else. This is a bunch of crap, honey. You'll go through life and often wonder "what if..." What if you'd pursued that passion or if you'd been brave enough to go somewhere different. What if you hadn't dated this person. What if you had tried harder. What if you'd listened to everyone around you. And you'll feel at 35 that your life is behind you. That's ridiculous. Make something of the things around you. You are the best thing I made. Your daddy is the best decision I made. Now...I just need to make some internal decisions in order to feel I'm a good example to you. All of this sounds so damn Hallmarky. I'm going to try to not control you and not be down on high school boyfriends or when you want to be so in love you can't think straight. I will try to understand young lust. I will try to understand your romantic heart, but know that I want more than great love and great sex for you. I want you to feel fulfilled. I want you to know that you stand on your own. That you will add to someone's life and not be completed by it.
You will most likely feel lost a lot in your life. I feel lost a lot. I have no idea what to look for, but it is for sure that I'm missing it. I have so much and yet I feel like I've misplaced something.
What the hell is it?