Monday, January 28, 2013

one should never miss a nap

Mom left yesterday and I felt like a little girl lost. I'm better today. Even had dreams last night about waking up feeling so sad that she wasn't here. No matter how old I get, I get so attached to my parents when they are around. Being states away helps me a bit...I'd be too involved otherwise, I feel. I'm like that with most people though. I get addicted to them. I have a hard time separating myself from people close to me. It's a weird thing.

Harper is sleeping right now. I should be too. I am tired, but am refusing to give up the quiet time. Z is at Doodle Bugs. She is really getting the hang of potty training. She's got half of it figured out. The other half may take some time. (The messy half)

I watched the SAGS last night. I think I agree with their picks. Argo was a great movie. I'm still shocked that the Academy didn't nominate Ben Affleck. Oh well. They are strange sometimes.

I went to see Quartet with Mom on Saturday night. We loved it. Charming movie. Beautifully shot. Friday night we saw the play, Next to Normal. That was...interesting. I think I liked it. It was sort of a Rock Opera in a way. Not much talking...just singing. A lot of mental illness and heavy subject matter. Of course, it was dramatic on stage and off. I was sitting next to a person who was REALLY internalizing the material and sobbed mostly through the whole thing. Mom was sitting next to a drunk couple. The woman was blitzed and kept moaning and saying random things through it all. I laughed a bit. Mom was worried the woman was going to pass out in her lap. I'm pretty sure this was a normal thing for the couple. I'm not sure how he even got her out of there.

Today is cold and silent. It's rusty and white outside. I wish I could paint...I'd paint our back yard. It's beautiful in a cold/gloomy way.

Maybe I will try to lie down...seems like a waste if I don't.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

It could be because of the playlist I'm listening to...

It's snowing, but not as much as predicted. The 4-8 inches gave way to a dusting. It's still coming down and it is dreadfully cold. I just got done cleaning Z's room. H is sleeping peacefully in the front room. She's been snoring for just over an hour now. She is happiest baby. Z was smiley, but H is always smiling. If she is unhappy...she is ready to sleep, eat or needs her diaper changed. She isn't moody. She smiles at you if you smile at her. She's a very zen girl. And she's just a doll. So easy to deal with. A great sleeper. I am in love with my girls. (feel free to barf now.) Z is a great little conversationalist. She is naturally funny and really thinks about things. She is stubborn, yes...but I get it. She is an observer. H may even be more so. I can't wait for the conversations I have with these girls. I look forward to the movie nights. I look forward to many things.

As I think about all the things I have to be thankful for...I am also constantly reminded of how lucky we are. When I hear of the troubles others are having right now, it angers me. As life rolls on, I seem to understand less and less. Not meaning to take a down turn here, but I do question many things. I don't understand now such wonderful people can have such heartbreak and tragedy. I think about this almost every day.  Of course, looking across the yard reminds me of Bill...and Melissa. Sadly, although I've had a lot experience in losing people...Bill's death really hit me at the right time of my life where I could process it more. Just the complete feeling of something being so unfair. And it continues. My eyes were open wide...and I see it everywhere. If you are reading this in good health...and are relatively healthy with healthy are lucky. You are blessed. Do something for someone else.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

I'll think about it tomorrow.

I'm still recovering from whatever sickness I had that had me throwing up 11 times. And the snow is coming. 4-8 inches. The more the better. Why not. I have no where to go, might as well have something to look at. Mom and I are going to see a new musical at Geva on Friday night. It is a rock musical with book and lyrics by Brian Yorkey and music by Tom Kitt. Its story concerns a mother who struggles with worsening bipolar disorder and the effect that her illness has on her family. The musical also addresses such issues as grieving a loss, suicidedrug abuseethics in modern psychiatry, and suburban life.--Wikipedia.

I'm looking forward to it...a nice HEAVY production ought to lift my spirits.

It is almost 5pm and the snow is not here yet. hmmm.

Mom leaves on Sunday. Then I have a month until Dustin gets here with Ryan. We haven't just been us for a long time. We'll see how that goes. :) It's just been so helpful to have an extra pair of hands. 

I'm not going to think about it. That seems to be what I do lately, just put thoughts on the back burner. I'm so Scarlett right now. There is a lot going on and I can't keep up with it emotionally. I figure, I'll deal with each drama one day at at time. Jason's dad is sick. My dear friend Becky is having major surgery. My grandpa isn't doing well at all. I'm in NY...with  my hands tied. It's hard to be so far away--and yet, I may have some perspective that will help in the long run.

I need a good book to read to continue in my ignorant bliss....anyone have any suggestions?

Monday, January 21, 2013

I'm happy I voted for Obama.

Inauguration day. Watched with Harper and Mom. Yesterday I was sick all day...lost 6 lbs. Ugh. Still feeling a little ill, but very thirsty!

I was very moved by Obama's speech. I am proud I voted for him. It was a very liberal speech, I doubt many of my Kansas friends approved, if they even watched it. This was my favorite part:

"It is now our generation's task to carry on what those pioneers began. For our journey is not complete until our wives, our mothers, and daughters can earn a living equal to their efforts. Our journey is not complete until our gay brothers and sisters are treated like anyone else under the law — for if we are truly created equal, then surely the love we commit to one another must be equal as well. Our journey is not complete until no citizen is forced to wait for hours to exercise the right to vote. Our journey is not complete until we find a better way to welcome the striving, hopeful immigrants who still see America as a land of opportunity; until bright young students and engineers are enlisted in our workforce rather than expelled from our country. Our journey is not complete until all our children, from the streets of Detroit to the hills of Appalachia to the quiet lanes of Newtown, know that they are cared for, and cherished, and always safe from harm."

Harper will not remember today...but I will remember being with her...and my mom. Now we're going to watch Downton Abbey. :) This is just as fun.

Friday, January 18, 2013

There are days...

that are better than others, sure. Days when the sky just looks bluer. When something about how the colors reflect that reminds you of another time in your life--a less complicated time, sure...but maybe not as sweet. I become overwhelmed with things. The idea of bringing up two good girls is a lot. To provide a loving and organized home is a lot. To keep your cool when your child is trying your patience is a lot. However, these are good times. The love in the marriage is good. The friendship in the marriage is good. The health of your children is good. The roof over your head...may leak at times, but it is stable. Our walls are not caving in...not yet. We do have some health concerns in our family that we are trying to deal with...but the best we can do is be positive and see what happens. That's all anyone can do, right? Worrying doesn't do any good.

Snow fell overnight and it made a nice downy cover over the yard and the trees. It's clean and hopeful. I am on the phone with some that are having a hell of a time right now. They're in a shitty marriage or relationship...their health is failing...they don't know where to turn. All I can do is be here.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013


I can't stand texting...because people use it instead of talking.
I can't stand the tv because it sucks my attention from other important things.
I can't stand being so far away from so many that I love.
I wish I operated on electricity and would never get tired.
I wish we didn't need food to survive because it's a pain in the ass to think about.
I wish I were more thoughtful and considerate of others.
I wish I didn't put so much pressure on dumb things.
I wish I'd pursued a career in film/tv production.
I wish someone would have kicked my ass in college about throwing my schooling away.
I wish I hadn't dated some of the boys I dated.

And yes, I know it got me where I am today...but think about it.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

I've been away

Sorry about that. I'm not doing so well keeping up with this. I'll try to do better.

Z is potty training. 24 hours with no accidents. We will see...
I saw Silver Linings Playbook. It made me uncomfortable and I felt it was too long. Everyone loves it. I think it hit too close to home for me. I've been around those types of people...I don't want to spend time with them, really. I did think Jennifer did a great job. Bradley was so nice to look at, I think he was okay.

I watched Oprah's Master Class on Maya Angelou yesterday. It was really beautiful. She is so wise. I learned that the longer I live, the more I realize that my young, judgmental self was so naive. I have much to learn about human beings and life. I have much to learn about me.

This isn't from the show I watched...but thought you might like it.

I'm going to start reading more of her books...I feel she is just a wealth of knowledge and someone I aspire to be like.

Friday, January 04, 2013

Happy New Year...

Haven't posted in quite some time. Family has been here and I've been busy with my OCD, cleaning up after everyone. I wish I wasn't like that, but I am. I wish I could enjoy more instead of thinking about how things don't look just perfect. Drives me nuts. I want every moment to look picture perfect. I don't know why...

Now that the holidays are over, I tend to sit and reflect. The winter blues loom. This could be because of my hormones. I'm not sure. I listen to the dish washer and all of a sudden life seems monotonous. It should be a comforting sound. I might've picked a bad day to blog.

I've now heard of 3 couples becoming engaged. It's a hopeful thing to do. I am happy for them. I remember when I was. Life moves on. You find that person and your life starts to take a different shape. It becomes more about others instead of you. It is very hard to hold onto your insides at times.

Yeah...I think my hormones are getting the best of me today. Should I start again another day?