Thursday, March 28, 2013

my dream self.

I did work out today....then I came to see my mom sent me my girls cout cookies. damn. i love those cookies. i'm always dieting during girl scout cookie time. spring time hits and you just want to shed all of your extra clothes and weight. my muscles are sore, though I could have worked out harder. I'm not a real crazy work out girl. never have been. i go, i do what i need to do, i sweat, i go home. i can't do trainers. i can't do classes. i wish i could.

i'd love to do a yoga class. those people look really at peace, don't they?

my dream self would do yoga and meditate. she'd read a book a week. she'd be 10-12 lbs less than I am now. She'd be writing something...a book, play, poem. She'd have overseas travel plans booked. She'd write a letter a week and mail it. She'd always be smiling and positive. She'd laugh constantly, daily. She'd just be better.

i could always try...

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Are you there God? It's me...

Today is filled with so may emotions coming from all different directions. I feel sadness, frustration and helplessness. Horrible sadness for a friend going through a horribly difficult time. Frustration in dealing with the gay marriage situation in America. The lack of empathy makes me ill. Religion almost makes some so un"christian" at times. I don't practice Christianity. I haven't read the Bible. But, I studied it as a child and what I got from it was how kind Jesus was. This isn't what I'm seeing. I feel helpless in so many situations. At times, I just want to wrap people up my arms and make their pain go away.

As I grow older. As I have more experience as a parent.  I see things in a completely different way. I try my best to see both sides of things. I do. It is hard for me. I'm much better at it than I used to be. I think probably because I have friends with all types of beliefs. That helps. It's helped me to be surrounded by such different minded people. Good people.

At times, I feel like I did back when I was "depressed." I felt the world it seemed. It doesn't quite feel that way...I feel more pains for people than I used to. I felt more pain about myself then.

It is hard to understand how the universe (God) works during such hard times. I know this has been said for years, but it just is. I don't get it.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

You never know.

The above link is an update page for a friend of a friend who is very ill. He has cancer. Jason and I read through all of the updates last night. I can't believe all he's been through. We can't stop thinking about him. He's felt more pain than I can imagine. Cancer is such an awful illness. I've seen a friend suffering from it--it took her from being the most tough, fun loving, faith filled person I knew to wanting it all to be over.

Will is a talented musician, director, producer, etc. I was introduced to him by my friend, Reva. She and I went to High School together. They were playing a show in D.C. and Jason and I went to see them. This was probably 4 years ago. The performance took us by surprise. We'd never heard of Will Gray. We loved the show. Even though we came for Reva, we left fans of both. Here is a film of them singing together:

Here is the documentary Will directed last year...Reva is in it as well.

As far as I can tell, he thought he had a sinus infection that wouldn't go away. He ended up having a tumor in his sinus. When Harper was born, Oct 20th, Will was preparing for a screening of Broke* in Kansas City. Life was good. He was promoting and touring. She just turned 5 months and in that time, his life has turned completely upside down.

Below is the last update written by Will--it is very difficult to read.
Things since this post have gone up and down...
I'm not sure what will happen. I know currently things aren't great.
I can't stop thinking about him..or his wife, Angie.
If you pray, please pray for them.
If you don't, please send positive thoughts their way.
They aren't the only ones struggling, they are just an example of so many...

The Cost of Clean Margins. (A Note From Will)

Posted by  on Dec 18, 2012 in Updates12 Comments
I’m so thankful for the many that have come alongside me; my family, and my friends that have become family in this journey.  Our hearts are warmed with each prayer, encouraging note, car ride, gift, donation, meal, and well wish.
The early days and nights leading to surgery were long.  I was in the most physical pain I have ever felt to date, and the emotional toll of varying diagnosis was enough to put me under. But we all prayed and we fought together.
Then we had a clear diagnosis and surgical treatment plan laid out.  It eased my mind.  I remember smiling on the drive home the afternoon the surgeon told us that I definitively had cancer, and the potential cost of getting clean margins through surgery.  We did not know exactly where we where going, but we knew where we were.
The pain got worse, and I found reservoirs of strength I never knew I had.  My face was tearing apart, and my eye was pushing out of its socket.  My jaw wrenched with pain that made it hard to speak.  This tumor was trying to kill me, and I felt it chasing after my life.  I was scared.  I felt more fear than I had ever known.
The days grew longer waiting for surgery and the thoughts of the tumor reaching the optic nerve in my eye, thus rendering my cancer inoperable, raced in my head.
We checked into the hospital a couple days early, because my eye had bulged so far out the socket it would not close.  The pain was… painful, but moreover it didn’t feel safe or fair to be home anymore.  I wanted to go in so that Angie would not carry the burden of care alone.
The surgery date came.  I don’t remember it or the day after. Most of it is completely wiped from my memory as if it never happened.
I woke up on the Thursday after surgery, and felt a new pain. like someone was roasting my thigh with a blowtorch.
My throat was sore.  I couldn’t breathe.  Too many people were talking. I tried to talk, but no one could understand what I was saying.
The blowtorch pain was the skin graft on my thigh, which is about the size of 5 iphones lined up side by side.  The treatment of the graft was a heat lamp to further roast the skin and dry it out.
I cried.
The following nights in the hospital brought more pain, fear, bleeding, vomiting, choking, hallucinating, and night terrors.  Those nights were also mixed with seeing some of the people I love most in this world.  So there was laughter, and progress, and first steps, and everyone telling me how great I looked.
I was afraid to look in the mirror.  I also couldn’t get out of bed. I didn’t look at myself until the Sunday after surgery.
On Monday, I stood in front of the mirror.  I was swollen.
I looked under the eye patch.  I was a monster.
Back to bed.
Wednesday they sent us home, and the doctors said that my margins were clean.  The surgical  mission accomplished, and we were happy. Our friends rejoiced.
But the cost…
The cost of clean margins: they cut out my upper right jaw and all of those corresponding teeth.
They took my right sino-nasal cavity.
They cut out my right eye & surrounding area on my face.
A small price to pay for life.  Part one completed.
Now on to part two of radiation, and possibly chemo.
Then on to part three of more reconstructive and plastic surgery to put my face back together.
Then part four of speech pathology and occupational therapy to learn how to swallow and speak again.
Meanwhile, we follow up with counseling. physical therapy and monitoring the blood clot in my lung, and hoping I don’t develop another.
We also pray  the cancer doesn’t return.
Many many days ahead of us will be hard.
Angie and I will walk through this one step at a time.
We are fighting and we hope you will continue to fight with us.

Monday, March 25, 2013

brain rot

I'm starting to wonder if more interesting people don't have cable. Think that could be the case? Or, they may have cable, but don't watch it.

I think TV sucks my brain away. It keeps me from being productive and from creating something. I use it to numb. I use it to relax and escape. I use it too much to retreat into another world. I'm not sure I'm growing. My mind isn't being challenged.

I think I'd like to learn something new. An instrument? Maybe. I'm thinking on this. I need to find my gift. Everyone has one.  I believe that. Whatever it is, I'm not using it.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

kicking it

I'm beating the winter blues by cleaning and creating music mixes on (Mountainbird is me!) It's the small things.
Jason is working. of course.
I'm just trying to make sense of the messes in here. Why is this my main concern? It's annoying. I can see the bright blue through the clouds. There is hope. It's 40 degrees. Give me 30 more degrees!! I need them.

Soon enough.

Friday, March 22, 2013

missing you.

Another day when I wish I was I traveling across the desert on my camel and taking in the world. maybe i'm on a mission. maybe i'm just on vacation. i've always wanted to take a soul seeking vacation alone. is that odd? i need some type of mind/soul altering experience. i need to grow. my mind is slowly growing a little dim lately. it's the weather. it's the lack of intellectual conversation. it's the feeling that i'm not growing anymore.

i got acupuncture today. i love it. i could go every day. right now, it's just weekly. did you know they have pressure points for emotions? if you are feeling emotionally can help open you up! i'm trying it. so far, nothing.

i need a night out with my closest friends. i need to hear their thoughts and to laugh with them. i miss them. some, more than others--due to the fact that i haven't seen them in so long. jeremy, that means you.

i feel disconnected from so many. i've always been made of my friends. i love my little family, yes--but i need my friends, too.

think of me! i'm thinking of you.

Thursday, March 21, 2013


Today is a BIG day in our house. Last night, Harper slept in her own room--for 12 hours! It was glorious. No wake ups! And then...this morning...Z finally pooped in the potty for the first time. I can't believe it. This is the excitement of my life right now. :) One day, I will be able to get excited about a new restaurant or book, but for now, this is it. All night sleeping and potty training. My god.

Have I mentioned how damn cold it is still??!! I am sluggish and frustrated. I didn't go to the gym yesterday. I need to go today. I'm an every day person, normally. If I stop the flow, it's hard to start up again. I'm sitting here drinking my green tea and waiting to lose the last 8 lbs. I would love to lose 10-12, but that's probably not going to happen. My body changed. It holds on to things more than it used to. I keep expecting it to look like it did in my 20s and it isn't. Growing older is such a strange thing. My body aches, it holds on to fat and I'm exhausted. However, my brain still thinks it is 18. ???

My 20th High School reunion is this summer. I can't believe it. I don't feel like it's been that long. Though, there have been so many changes. I'm looking forward to seeing people. My class is so small, it is different than the BIG HS reunions of most. I graduated with 23 people. I know everyone in the town practically--or did at one time. Now the HS is full of punks and kids with no school spirit. That sucks.

Maybe I should do some stretches. I need to pull myself out of this fog. I see that April 1st will be 47 degrees. That's what I have to look forward to. Where the hell is the global warming??!

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

winter blahs.

We had more snow last night. I'm so over it. It is melting now. I'm ready to sit out in the sun!

I started a new diet to see if it has any effect on my joint pain. I've been diagnosed with "Chronic Pain." wha??? I tested positive for ANA- Antinuclear Antibodies. It's in my hands, feet, wrists, knees, ankles and shoulders. This morning my right hand felt like I had an oven mitt on. I can't get into the specialist until May. I started back to the gym. It feels good to get back there. I've been 3 times already. Each time I do a bit more.

I'm listening to Jane Fonda's book, Prime Time. I started it a while ago and am now trying to finish it.  It's technically for older folks, I suppose--but I think reading it now has been great. You need to know these things now. I love it. It definitely gets you thinking about your life and how you react to the hurts of the past and how to make a better future for yourself.

I think it is official. I have S.A.D. I can't have gray skies too much longer. Seriously. The cold keeps us from playing outside. The gray is keeping us from Vit D. The trees look naked and cold. It makes me just want to soak in a warm bath. with candles. and lots of bubbles.

It's almost noon and I'm still in my pj's. probably should do something about that.

just looked outside to see it's raining. unreal.

Monday, March 18, 2013

no, more is needed.

it's been a bit. my mother in law was here for a week. it was...a trying time. she is negative and followed me around constantly. she is not well. z was well ready for her to go. lots of loud conversations about ridiculous topics. it wore me out. it wore jason out. the house is now quiet again.

harper is teething. this means no sleep for anyone over the weekend. last night she finally got some rest. it was heavenly. poor little thing. she hasn't been her sweet self. her mouth in in pain. she smiles through most of it. she's quite the optimist.

z gets bigger and brighter every day. she is funny. she is smart. she is clever. i really enjoy her.

march is getting to me. the weather is wearing on my sunny side. the clouds need to part. i am a little blue.

on a cool note. at the top of last week i saw an old friend after 13 years. it was great. i felt nervous at first...and then it was as if we didn't miss a beat. we talked for 6 hours. i'd missed her. i found it interesting how life had treated both of us. she has had her fair share of tragedy. i sat and listened to her stories and cried. life is hard on all of us. it is unfair. it is confusing. it is hard for me to hear how hurt people get. i wish i lived nearer to her. she needs a constant friend to be there. i guess we all do. i'd been a constant at one point...i guess that's why i feel so far away.

i could use a friend today. i could use someone to listen. i could use a hug. i could use some guidance. not to be horribly jaded..but i saw someone's post on FB, "Love is all you need." isn't. "love" is tricky. there are many types. it doesn't overcome every obstacle. i wish it did.

Wednesday, March 06, 2013

I love you, please go.

I think I made the decision today to travel alone with the girls to Kansas in May. The thought almost paralyzes me. I'm worried Z will throw a tantrum and I won't know what to do. I'm worried about the amount of baggage, car seats, baby crap I will have and be able to hold on to both girls. I can do it, right? Other moms do. Other moms have more kids, too. I'd like a leash and muzzle for Z and lots of Xanax for myself. (just kidding. sort of.)

Today I woke up exhausted and it stayed with me all day. My stress is back in my hands and feet. Today I was a bit of a wimp...but I did get out and do errands--even went grocery shopping with Harper. I MADE myself get out of the house...thinking that if Jason weren't here working, I might have just sunk into the couch today and never gotten out of my pj's. This damn cloudy weather is getting to me. I need some warm weather asap. I love the winter, I do. But, now it must go.

My friends with SAD: we really need to buy lamps for our homes. What are we waiting for??

Tuesday, March 05, 2013

girls can do anything.

Today I built Z's art easel. (all by myself, thank you!) I told Z, "We can do this all by ourselves, we don't need Daddy to help. Why is that?" She would say, "Because girls can do anything!!" Yes. We can. A little lesson on not waiting for someone else to do it--do it yourself! (I think I needed this lesson today.) I'm horrible at directions, but I did it somehow. Very cool.

It is 41 degrees. Z is now coloring on her easel and Harper is asleep with Jason downstairs. He didn't get any sleep last night. ??? He has the same sleeping habits that he had in his teens. He can't continue to treat his body this way. It's annoying to me, but he also does NOT like being told what to do. I've stopped commenting on it. There is no use. I can't understand how anyone can even function like that. I am a sleep person. I thrive on it. I enjoy it. I have to have it to be a good person. Girls, don't marry a horrible'll sleep alone a lot. (However, he is a good person...and if he wasn't so kind and funny, I probably wouldn't have.) I'm a "touch" person. I need touch and cuddling and all that stuff. At this point in our lives, my girls are my cuddlers.

This time of life (I will say it again) is hard. Everyone is tired. Everyone is stressed. At times we yell. At times we are overwhelmed. At times we feel we are doing the worst parenting ever. But, it's all going to be okay. It will.

Monday, March 04, 2013

obsessing again

I obsess over things. Always have. I obsess about the girls. I wonder how their childhoods will be. I wonder how I'm doing as a mom. I almost wish they could fill out an assessment. I'd like to know where I could improve. You never know...the things I think I'm doing fine, Z could be thinking something completely different. I obsess over their happiness. I obsess over their surroundings. Is it fun enough? Is it clean enough? Is it creative enough? Am I too strict? Am I not strict enough? Am I only this way because I stay at home? My mom thinks so. She thinks if I had a "job outside the home" I wouldn't worry about this as much. Maybe. But that's not my life right now. I just want to make sure Z knows she is loved...but not over spoil her. I want H to feel just as special as the "first baby." I see the short falls of my parents, but I love them. I struggled so much as a teen and as a young person. Was that their fault? Oh...some, but maybe just because I lacked "tough love" on both fronts. When one parent is tough and the other isn' tend to think that the tough love parent is just being an asshole. And, when they are divorced, it's even worse. I had different ideas on each side. Different ways of thinking about things. Each side had its own way of looking at things...and how to do things. I feel as if I second guessed everything I did. Is this the right way? Is this?

As I started getting older, I just polled my friends. I asked them their opinion on almost every move I made. (I feel this got very old to them.) As a child, I looked constantly to my parents to see if I was doing it all right. Now, I feel the same way. Am I doing this right??!!

I need to get over this. I'm suppose to exude confidence, right? (ha!) The girls have to feel as if I know what I'm talking about. Does anyone know what they're talking about?