Thursday, June 11, 2015

Time Changes

The hardest part
accepting how
people change
that alone
changes everything.

--Robert M. Drake

Yes...but I will expand. The hardest part isn't accepting how people change...but how they don't and why they don't...especially when it is needed. Why don't people change when they see how they hurt people? Why don't they change when they are miserable...they just accept it as a fact.

That is such bullshit. And that is the shit that drives me into the ground. I have to accept that some people won't, even though I did. I have to accept that some people don't like that I did..but realize that the people that are upset are the ones that just want company in their misery.

Be happy. Seriously. In your days, strive to be up, be positive, find the energy to pull through the dark.

Don't be a victim. You will always find those who want to save you...but what kind of life is that? A long, miserable, lonely one. And...eventually your savior will get tired. Save yourself.

what a vague and obvious post. but i don't care. my world seems to be full of the vague and obvious. It's obnoxious.

Friday, June 05, 2015

sending out a flare

Hello again....I make promises and then I break them...saying I'm going to keep up on this and then I get horribly distracted. OR I feel that my emotional purge wouldn't be good reading. But, who am I to say. The summer has started for me. Z finished pre-school...geesh. She is growing at a rapid pace right now and I can barely keep up. At times she is an absolute dream of a child...I pat myself on the back...until she starts talking back to me and saying things that i would never dream of saying to my parents. On the nights after she's become demon like and I put her to bed...I am on Google, researching how I can redirect I've screwed her up...if I can fix it. Which is my first problem. Thinking that I can fix anything...all I can do is not fuck it up any more. I've stopped screaming--because I used to...a lot. I've stopped taking it personally (hence the screaming) and understanding that pushing her away during her times of freak outs doesn't work...I pull her as close as I can now...and that seems to help. I'm like a cow squeeze machine. (look it up, it can really work.)

I am throwing my attention outward lately...which is good. Having other things to think about besides my own whacko thoughts about my anxieties and my feelings of worthlessness. is welcomed. I do feel that my gifts are more in being there for others rather than making a product or performing heart transplants. Someone out here has to be the person that says it's all going to be okay. And when I tell Zoe as I hug her...she seems to calm.

I want it for myself. I want a squeeze machine. I will see if I can find one on Amazon.