Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Too much

Had a great weekend in Atlanta! Macca was awesome--of course. He played for 3 hours...including 2 encores. At one point, it just poured on all 40,000 fans...and no one was phased. Everyone just sang and swayed along. Very cool. It was the perfect girl weekend...good food, great convos and great shopping! My belly got hot though..ended up with a heat rash. Atlanta is just a bit hotter than Rochester. Man, did that look unattractive!!

After the concert, there was such a feeling of being a part of something big. Everyone poured out of the park onto the streets--they don't have parking in or nearby. The streets were bulging with people on both sides for probably miles. They flooded the train station, so we ended up walking and eventually catching a very empty and welcomed bus. I was exhausted and my feet were starting to ache. The alternative of waiting for probably hours at a train station, so I did not complain.

I have much on my mind today, but it's almost too much effort to write it all out. Let's just say the lessons I can pass on to my daughter seem to be piling up lately. I need to start a little book.

This is too vague...maybe I'll have the energy to expand tomorrow.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Our first Noel...

I'm listening to Christmas music...streaming it at work to calm my nerves. Not that I'm upset, just need that extra bit of happiness to make it until 5pm. It's been slow and slow days make LONG DAYS. I've been a bit blue...but not sure why. I think I'm dreading Jason's trip. If he were going to be in the US, that'd be one thing, but SO FAR AWAY...ugh. I'll enjoy my time with friends, but will worry about him getting back. (I'm obsessing about this, aren't I.)

Christmas music gives me a false sense of security. I'll take it.

I hope I'm able to provide little Vidmar with memories that will take her through life. Hopefully she'll have many she can tap into when she needs to. I fully intend on making the holidays a big deal for her. I'd love for her to be surrounded by family and friends. I keep daydreaming about my house. That might be materialistic...but really...just thinking of the times we will create there. The feeling she'll have when she returns from college or with her own children. (Granted, we might not have the same house, but who knows.) That's another thing...people switch houses a lot now. My mom and dad have had their houses forever...and I have memories growing up there. It would be a different feeling if we didn't have those ties. Life is changing for our generation though. We all have to move to find jobs, etc...staying in one house for 40 years isn't as possible as it used to be. Maybe this is why we should focus on traditional meals--if the food is there...maybe the feeling will follow.

I'm rambling.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I'm so TIRED!!!

Why does my body react so horribly to sugar now?? I love Starbursts...but about 15-20 minutes after having some, I just want to die. I could go to bed for the night. It's annoying. At this point, I have about an hour and a half of time after work where I am worth something....after that--Jason has to do everything on his own. I'm bushed. He works late and then wants to eat--I'm too tired. I have to eat immediately after work and then start my wind down. WHERE IS THE 2ND TRIMESTER ENERGY BOOST YOU LIARS!!! And...I puked this morning...so violently I was exhausted all morning and crashed at lunch.

I'm worthless.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Mommy Dearest

The weekend was a nice one. I spent Saturday in Boston, NY with Lisa and her family. Her two little girls were with her. It's surreal to see her with her kids, knowing I have one coming. Seeing your girlfriends become mothers...girls you spent so much time with just being girls. All the history you have with someone. I'd seen my friend Erica earlier in the week and it was the same experience. I still see the girl I knew and they are some one's mom!

Speaking of being a mom--I keep having mini freak outs about it. I worry that I'll be too stern...that I won't remember what it was like to be a kid. Actually, my problem would be that I would remember too much and be overly concerned about what she does. (I know what I did) Jason was such a good boy...I can see him being more relaxed. I'm very aware of my past mistakes and annoyances--I don't want her to go through the messes I did. I was slow to mature...slow to realize how to take care of things...or how to be truly a good friend. I learned so much from the women who are now mothers...fitting.

I'm working on being more calm, not letting little things set me off. I've become so uptight since I've been married. I wonder why that is? It's almost like I have a vision of what I'm suppose to be and I'm cramming myself into that. I don't like that model. I need to just be who I am. Jason married me for ME...not for someone he thought I'd turn into.

I have a lot of soul searching to do. I'm excited for what I might find. I just started reading Maya Angelou's book, "Letter to my Daughter" and find it really helpful. I just want to be in some sort of weekly meeting with wise women talking about all the lessons they've learned. Maya has some good points that I'll need to remember.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Matt Lauer makes most news look good...

I watch the Today Show every day...it's been a favorite of mine for years. Watching it lately...it's getting to be too much for me. Stories affect me so differently than they used to. I realize that my hormones are nuts right now, but I also think it's just having more life experience. Hearing the story this morning of the mother who had a drunk driving accident killing her child and 3 nieces...it was too much. I heard a sound bit taken from the funeral of the 3 girls...the father pleading with parents to hold their children close--I just started crying. I can't imagine the pain of losing all of your children. Or losing a parent...losing anyone. I spend a lot of time worrying about losing people in my life. I've already lost some close to me. The memories of my grandparents evokes such emotion in me. The loss of friends...I constantly worry about what horrible accident is around the corner that will take another. Whenever Jason is late...I worry--creating horrible images in my mind. He leaves for Australia soon...and I'm dreading it. I want him to go, but I will be counting down the days until he is safely at home. I'm going to a mother soon--I know I can't hold her too closely. It will be hard for me to let her go. I have some time at least.

When I was a very young girl...maybe 9, my mom bought me the Mr. Worry book. I worried about everything...I need to go dig that up. It's sad to know that I haven't changed. Mom says that worrying is a way of sending out a silent prayer. Interesting thought.

Hold your loved ones close today.