Monday, October 31, 2005

The Unbearable Lightness of Being in Love

Today I realized that I can't post this as often as I'd like because I put too much pressure on myself to have little works of art--that which never seem to happen. I post just to post. Maybe I should turn this around. In order for me to free up my thoughts, I've decided to move them somewhere else. However, I'll post here as often as I can with things I feel I can share to the masses. I have plenty of ramblings that I can post here in order to separate my thoughts. So, enjoy! I'll post later today...maybe a movie review? Maybe just a poem I find that means a lot to me. In fact, I have one for today...

If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Pablo Neruda

I found this today...for some reason, I was thinking about the stubborness of love. I just read a book dealing with the pushes and pulls...the weight of it...its unbearable lightness at times. This reminds me of the scene in The English Patient when he looks at her after she ends the affair and says, "I want you to know...I don't miss you yet." She pauses and says, "You will."

It sheds light on the tugs of war we have with the ones we love. It seems to demonstrate more immature love, than mature. It reminds me of my feelings of "flight." Everyone has them I suppose. I just tended to act on them more than others. Enjoy...maybe it will remind you of something, who knows.

more to come...

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

paraguay, quench, pepperoni, destiny, safe

With me, it seems as if the grass is always greener in some foreign land. I grew up thinking I would live in London writing mystery and horror novels. The dense fog and lantern lit streets I saw in the movies always made me feel it would be the perfect place to create such macabre work. Instead, my big move was from a small mid-western town to a large mid-western city. Chicago, the land of pizza (pepperoni being my favorite) and Wrigley Field is now home. I go back and forth on whether it is my final destination or not. My gut says no, but I've given up trying to forecast my life. Unfortunately, I don't believe in destiny. I believe in good and bad decisions. The trick is knowing how to distinguish between the two. Many people make safe decisions instead of taking risks. I've done both. Right now for instance, I have the chance to take a risk. I can look into going to a foreign country and teaching (something I've always wanted to do) or I can stay in Chicago. I could fly to China, Africa or Paraguay and finally live outside the box. I could start anew. I could become the "worldly" woman I've always wanted to be. I can always find reasons to leave a place. But, in this case, there are reasons to stay. At the moment, I feel split in two. I yearn to have my traveling thirst be finally quenched; yet also I know that currently, my heart is here. There is no stability in either choice. Both are unknown, neither beckon me specifically, and although I can create a future in my head, there are no promises. It seems that I've always been paralyzed when it comes to the heart. I romanticize my life and what it could be. It is very possible that I could end up on the London streets begging for toppins to give to the birds. Or I could end up in Chicago with my heart ripped out thinking of how I should have left when I had the chance. I recently watched Sliding Doors. (If you haven't seen it, rent it...) It is mind boggling how one second can change the rest of your life. One decision, one kiss, one discussion...pretty amazing. So, maybe I should stop playing it safe, move to Paraguay, leave the city of pepperoni pizza, quench my thirst for adventure and give the idea of destiny a whirl. If one kiss changed me the moment it happened...what could a plane ticket do?