So, my life, most days, is just the most monotonous crap...pick up after everyone. I cleaned the entire day...my free day--no kids. WTF.
I am tired, I'm lost...or I think I am. I just got back from st. john and my observations of depressed women made me feel that there seems to be some sort of plague.
I just lied on my couch and listened to the last 2 hours of Amy Poehler's book, Yes, Please. It was good to finish something. It was great that my tv hasn't been on all day. After school, I took the girls to the library and then we came home and read and then played with change...looking up what all the pictures meant on each. Canadian money is just prettier.
I just went upstairs to get myself some yogurt and granola. I was winded and felt weak...because I've probably had 500 calories (maybe) today due to the fact that my meds completely take away my appetite. Without the meds, I have no patience with my girls and my chest caves in with anxiety and the feeling of being overwhelmed. With them, I practically starve to death unless I think about it.
I believe that everyone has something...a light in them...something they are good at. If it's being a serial killer, well, that sucks. But that's my struggle...finding my light. I love to write, but I can't get motivated to actually start something. I don't know what that something would be. I have ideas, but I am so wiped by the end of the day, the thought of trying to put that together---I am impressed with anyone that can do it. Maybe I'd have more energy if I ate dinner. If I felt like eating dinner.
Please, God, let me be a late bloomer. PLEASE send me a sign...or an a-ha moment.
Until then, I will continue to feel like a failure, daily, as a mom. I will see mistakes all the time and can't pull the words back in. I need to be mended and how the hell am I suppose to raise girls? My god, I'm going to fuck them up...please let it be minor. All I know, is that I hope, if I do fuck them up, that they will at least know they are loved...insanely. They do not lack in kisses and hugs and tears of regret and apologies. I introduce them to great music. I keep them away from shitty tv. I try to keep them away from tv as much as possible...because it seems to have a horrible effect on Z. We are reading more. I am positive. I help with homework. I reassure, I love them like no other and if I could eat them, I would. I wish I could freeze them at this age...well, maybe a year ago. Z's shitty attitude and sassy mouth have thrown me into hell. "Oh shit, I already screwed up."
All I can hope is that the universe knows I am open to anything...and that the fact that I love the girls so much will help them when they can't stand me.