paraguay, quench, pepperoni, destiny, safe

With me, it seems as if the grass is always greener in some foreign land. I grew up thinking I would live in London writing mystery and horror novels. The dense fog and lantern lit streets I saw in the movies always made me feel it would be the perfect place to create such macabre work. Instead, my big move was from a small mid-western town to a large mid-western city. Chicago, the land of pizza (pepperoni being my favorite) and Wrigley Field is now home. I go back and forth on whether it is my final destination or not. My gut says no, but I've given up trying to forecast my life. Unfortunately, I don't believe in destiny. I believe in good and bad decisions. The trick is knowing how to distinguish between the two. Many people make safe decisions instead of taking risks. I've done both. Right now for instance, I have the chance to take a risk. I can look into going to a foreign country and teaching (something I've always wanted to do) or I can stay in Chicago. I could fly to China, Africa or Paraguay and finally live outside the box. I could start anew. I could become the "worldly" woman I've always wanted to be. I can always find reasons to leave a place. But, in this case, there are reasons to stay. At the moment, I feel split in two. I yearn to have my traveling thirst be finally quenched; yet also I know that currently, my heart is here. There is no stability in either choice. Both are unknown, neither beckon me specifically, and although I can create a future in my head, there are no promises. It seems that I've always been paralyzed when it comes to the heart. I romanticize my life and what it could be. It is very possible that I could end up on the London streets begging for toppins to give to the birds. Or I could end up in Chicago with my heart ripped out thinking of how I should have left when I had the chance. I recently watched Sliding Doors. (If you haven't seen it, rent it...) It is mind boggling how one second can change the rest of your life. One decision, one kiss, one discussion...pretty amazing. So, maybe I should stop playing it safe, move to Paraguay, leave the city of pepperoni pizza, quench my thirst for adventure and give the idea of destiny a whirl. If one kiss changed me the moment it happened...what could a plane ticket do?