I'm watching Iconoclasts. This episode is with Stella McCartney + Ed Ruscha. Very cool. I'm tired of being boring. Watching this is so inspiring. I've been so tired lately. Dragging around the weight of unemployment is getting me a bit down. Everyone says to relish in it...take this time to do things for yourself. Thing is, it's just a hard time to really focus on much. I have a hard time with it. Focus, I mean. I told Jason that when I was younger, I felt it was easier on my psyche to not do my best at things so that there was always a rational for the mediocrity. I was mediocre in school, in sports and in writing. I have always been to afraid to give anything my all. That needs to change. It's difficult to always have the woman you want to be in your head and not in reality. I morph to things. I constantly find inspiration in movies and in my friends to somehow create the perfect me. And when I'm alone at night, the awful truth is...I've created a mediocre existence. (Am I a bit depressed tonight? It's possible.) What will I finally find will be worth giving 110%? Children. I feel like I'm waiting on my best self...my mom self. It is always a possibility that that may never happen. I can't wait. I've paused the show. I was driven write a little blog about my non-ambition. I'm not a career person. I'm creative, but don't create. I'm a people person who keeps moving away from anyone she knows. I constantly crave space to grow...but I'm stagnant.
I love to sit and watch others' lives. The movies--that's what that's all about. I observe. I don't do. I change geography because it's the only thing I can control and others can see. See!! I'm interesting! I move to interesting new places! I MUST be interesting!!
I constantly see people I want to be friends with. I want to be friends with Stella McCartney. I've always wanted to surround myself with fascinating people. They are addicting to me. I guess I feel like something will rub off...or that people will wonder if I'm just as cool.
I need to think.
Note added the next day: Wow. Maybe a little hard on myself here. I shouldn't write when I'm so tired. I always seem to get a bit down on myself late at night...esp if Jason isn't here. Today, I decorated the tree and the apt to inject the holiday spirit into my veins. I do feel better. Time to take stock in what all I have to be thankful for.
2 comments:
I think you and I must be very similar. I will say that since having kids, it's been really healthy for me to have less time to think. Not that I was some intellectual before, but I would get down on myself and just wallow in self-loathing. I can't do that now, first because I don't have time, second because I see so much of myself in my kids that I HAVE to pretend to like myself.
I'm glad you felt better later!
I think you are one of the most interesting and intense people I have ever met! I always enjoyed volunteering in schools, churches, Habitat for Humanity... Maybe you could find something like that. Keep your chin up God has big plans for you.
:)Lisa
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