I've become obsessed with cleaning--which is annoying. I think it has to do with the fact that I can SEE my productivity if everything is in its place. I used to find perfection boring...not creative. Now, I think I need a clean space to think. My head is messy and if I look around and see a mess, I become paralyzed. It's tiring--and may just be manic.
The Hallmark holiday was...interesting. It started out very...Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf and ended up with diamond earrings and a warm bed. I've been under appreciating, taking for granted and taking up space in my head--alone. Marriage is sometimes hard for me. Not because of him at all, just because of me. I am too distant at times. I'm also too wrapped up in my own thoughts. I told him that I just need to say what I'm thinking instead of keeping it all to myself. I think appreciative things...and hot things...and loving things--but I forget to say them. He's kinder than I am...or rather, he shows his kindness towards me more frequently. I'll figure this out.
He worries that I don't do enough things that I'm passionate about. He worries that I'll lose myself in a corporate job. I think he sees things in me that need to come out and they haven't yet. That's inspiring.
I know he's right. I feel like an old rusty spring is wound to the point where it's just about to give...and when I sit for too long, I can't even touch my ear to each shoulder--or my chin to my chest. It's too tight.
I'll be honest here--because I've been thinking about it and I just want to throw it out there. Christianity makes me feel like I'm choking sometimes. Not that I frequent church, I don't. We rarely go unless family wants us to. But my family talks about it with us. I'm just not sure about it all. I'm wondering seriously about Buddhism. I've been looking at the books in my bookshelf that would give me some insight and I'm almost afraid to open them. Do I really want to set myself apart in another way?? It seems lonely at times right now. But something is missing.
1 comment:
I feel certain Christianity shouldn't be this way, but I really struggle with it too. But then I worry that I will always feel I am wrong, no matter what I believe, but especially if it is different from the lessons that were drilled into me early on.
Don't get a corporate job unless you guys really need the money. Really. It will not foster your creativity... If you just want some structure to your days, get a retail job or babysit a few hours a week. Don't get a corporate job.
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