Ghosts

Today is one of those days when the sunlight hits the earth in a way that reminds me of being in Kansas. It takes me back to different times in my life--like a time machine. I feel feelings I had years ago, much like a song on the radio can inject feelings of first love or times in college. I love when it happens. It's true that I had some of my worst times in college, but I also had some of my best. I met friends that changed my life. Unfortunately, I am not in contact with all of them. In college, I was foolish with others' hearts and didn't understand how delicate friendships can be. I ruined 3 friendships due to my misunderstanding of how hurtful one-sided love can be. I was a shameless flirt and liked to see how far I could push people (men). I've learned so much since then...and now miss the friendships I ruined. I hear songs that remind me of certain people and it's just plain hurtful now. I can't even find these people on Facebook and wonder if they've blocked me. (paranoia)

I met great girlfriends there. I loved the huge campus and the ability to meet women that really shaped my life. I loved my time on the KU campus. It was my first time being on my own--there's really nothing in life like that. It makes you feel so incredibly alive!! Even the painful times were great learning experiences. I wish many things. I wish I'd been more serious about school. I always struggled with that. I put all of my thoughts and time into my social life--and my feelings about people. I was ignorant of the lasting effects of marginal grades. I'm officially the one in my family with the least amount of education. Everyone has their Masters or their JD. I would love to get a Masters but I screwed myself in college. My second semester of my freshman year landed me a 1.9 GPA. Unreal. It basically screwed me for the next 4 years. It's possible for me to still get my Masters but I'll have to retake classes. I'm going to have to bite the bullet and get it done someday.

My mind is all over today. If I stay at home until Zoë is 6...that's 6 years of time when I could be improving myself! We'll see how it goes. Raising a child well is quite the job in itself. I'm looking forward to it. It's a daunting task--and I have freak outs about it. I worry that I will want to shield her too much. I don't want her to be naive...but I don't want her to have the worries I had either. What a paranoid little person I was...such a worry wart!! I would love her to be a balanced teen and young adult instead of how I was--full of anxiety and very self obsessed. Not a good mix.

At least one lesson she can learn from me is that it is possible to make mistakes, hurt people and go through a "dark period" and still find happiness. There is someone out there who will love you...and all of your baggage (or who might have some matching baggage)--and who will bring balance to your life. It is possible that it all can work out--but you have to take the necessary steps and not continue down the spiral. You do eventually have to take responsibility and make the choice to be happy--and not a victim. But wow...it's hard to do.

Monday rambling.

The weekend was somewhat productive. That's always good. Friday night we took it easy...so easy that I can't really remember what we did. I think we watched No Country For Old Men again. (We own it.) Saturday morning we had Infant/Toddler CPR class for 3 hours. It was a good refresher for me--Jason had never learned it before, so it was very useful! Lots of chores to do. Ugh. Jason raked leaves both days. I cleaned and started decorating the house for Christmas. I think he thinks I'm crazy--but he just lets me do it. In a few weeks when the time is right to decorate, I fear I won't have the energy or the movement.

We had a virtual shower on Saturday night. My friend Becky put it together. Lots of people sent cards with good wishes and advice...and recipes!! We got a lot of nice things. The girl is set up for clothes for a bit!! That's good.

The weather was great yesterday, but today...the cold has started to set in. I'm excited for the first snow--if our leaves are done. We have so many trees! The snow will put a nice new look on things. I got a Baby's First Christmas ornament--it's adorable. It has a mommy and daddy snowman holding a baby snowman with 2009 on her little cap. I need to remember if we have another baby to be just as good with the gifts of significance. I was #2 and my baby book isn't even half full whereas Wendy's is bursting at the seams! There is a lot of pressure (that I create) to make things so perfect for her. To make sure she is happy...and uncomplicated and secure. I even talked to Jason last night that we shouldn't burp in front of her. (Being pg has me burping a bit...really attractive) I don't want her to think, "uhh...Mommy's gross!" I also don't want anything stressful around her. (these are BIG wishes...and I see disappointment in my future.)

I need to write things down for her so I remember...things I want for her. I feel that time will get away from me and I will forget.

If you listen closely, you'll hear me growl.

So I went to the doc yesterday because I've been having this breathing issue. I stop when I'm sleeping. They don't know what it is. I got an EKG, everything looked ok. It could be that I'm having panic attacks in my sleep. YIKES. I am very in tune with my anxiety and depression levels and I'm very low on both. I haven't felt down at all really. I feel overwhelmed, but that's normal. I feel uncomfortable...that normal. I am scared of the delivery...I think that's normal as well. My life is good. Husband is one I'd like to keep...so is the house and the cat...and my family--though that can get stressful--again, that's normal. So, what's the deal?? I have no idea and it's annoying. The doctor said she could give me an anti-anxiety...but I want to hold off first. If I felt it during the day that's be one thing. Hmmm. I have a month to go. Maybe all this will help. Then I can start sleeping on my belly again...not have to pee every 20 mins...can get out of these pg clothes!!...and not deal with a child in my belly who has the hiccups constantly. (poor thing)

I'm ready for the little hands and toes...ready to see someone who looks like Jason and Valerie. Ready to see her personality and to see Jason as a daddy. :) Very sweet. (really looking forward to that.) She will most likely be a daddy's girl. That's fine.

12 more days until I start working from home. CAN'T WAIT. People make me cranky and I feel guilty for being a cranky pregnant lady. I'm suppose to be glowing and smiling and sweet. Umm...not so much. I want to tell people who need headsets and more coffee and more envelopes and more office space and meetings in certain conference rooms to suck it.

REALLY sweet.

Still complaining--and still feeling guilty about it.

Well, I'm uncomfortable. :)

Baby is starting her descent. It's not the most comfortable feeling. In fact, it makes me feel as if my crotch is full of lead. Nice, eh?

Today I'm going to a doctor about a breathing issue I've had for years, but that is starting to really bother me. I seem to stop breathing at night. It sounds like sleep apnea, but I don't fit the mold for that. All I know is that I wake up struggling to breath and panic--then my throat starts to close (more panicking) and then I use the inhaler that I just got last week. It seems to work. I'm starting to get nervous about going to sleep! It can happen during naps or during the night. It's scary.

This Saturday Jason and I go to infant/toddler CPR. Next Saturday is the 8 hour birthing class. That should make Jason significantly more nervous than he's starting to be. He's been sick--so we're keeping our distance from each other. That sucks.

Last weekend his sisters threw me a baby shower in Cleveland. I will admit, I was hesitant about it--I'm not so much a shower girl. It was actually a really nice time! Jason and his dad came, so that helped. I also made him sit right next to me so not everyone was staring at me only. (I get stage fright!) Baby got lots of cute stuff!! The games were good (I'm not usually a fan of those either) and the food was yummo! It was very sweet of everyone. My family isn't so much into showers and such--so it was a nice change of pace.

She is REALLY moving around right now...it's such an odd feeling. Her little toes are pressing up against my ribs--cute toes, but more cute when they will be out!!

Totally unrelated side note about TV:
Some new shows are really working for me!! Flash Forward and The Good Wife. I'm really enjoying those shows!!