Today is one of those days when the sunlight hits the earth in a way that reminds me of being in Kansas. It takes me back to different times in my life--like a time machine. I feel feelings I had years ago, much like a song on the radio can inject feelings of first love or times in college. I love when it happens. It's true that I had some of my worst times in college, but I also had some of my best. I met friends that changed my life. Unfortunately, I am not in contact with all of them. In college, I was foolish with others' hearts and didn't understand how delicate friendships can be. I ruined 3 friendships due to my misunderstanding of how hurtful one-sided love can be. I was a shameless flirt and liked to see how far I could push people (men). I've learned so much since then...and now miss the friendships I ruined. I hear songs that remind me of certain people and it's just plain hurtful now. I can't even find these people on Facebook and wonder if they've blocked me. (paranoia)
I met great girlfriends there. I loved the huge campus and the ability to meet women that really shaped my life. I loved my time on the KU campus. It was my first time being on my own--there's really nothing in life like that. It makes you feel so incredibly alive!! Even the painful times were great learning experiences. I wish many things. I wish I'd been more serious about school. I always struggled with that. I put all of my thoughts and time into my social life--and my feelings about people. I was ignorant of the lasting effects of marginal grades. I'm officially the one in my family with the least amount of education. Everyone has their Masters or their JD. I would love to get a Masters but I screwed myself in college. My second semester of my freshman year landed me a 1.9 GPA. Unreal. It basically screwed me for the next 4 years. It's possible for me to still get my Masters but I'll have to retake classes. I'm going to have to bite the bullet and get it done someday.
My mind is all over today. If I stay at home until Zoë is 6...that's 6 years of time when I could be improving myself! We'll see how it goes. Raising a child well is quite the job in itself. I'm looking forward to it. It's a daunting task--and I have freak outs about it. I worry that I will want to shield her too much. I don't want her to be naive...but I don't want her to have the worries I had either. What a paranoid little person I was...such a worry wart!! I would love her to be a balanced teen and young adult instead of how I was--full of anxiety and very self obsessed. Not a good mix.
At least one lesson she can learn from me is that it is possible to make mistakes, hurt people and go through a "dark period" and still find happiness. There is someone out there who will love you...and all of your baggage (or who might have some matching baggage)--and who will bring balance to your life. It is possible that it all can work out--but you have to take the necessary steps and not continue down the spiral. You do eventually have to take responsibility and make the choice to be happy--and not a victim. But wow...it's hard to do.
1 comment:
Of course you will want for Zoë to be a well balanced teen and not make the same mistakes you made. Isn't that what our parents want/wanted for us too? The hard part I find is letting them make their own mistakes.
You will be a valuable resource to her by sharing the lessons you've learned. But then you'll have to step back and be there for a soft landing when she does make her own regrets. Its just part of growing up, and it is a neverending process.
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