Comfortably Numb

Z is singing behind me being ALL kinds of adorable right now. She's been very patient with me this morning. I had bills to get done and finally write the rest of my thank you's. I got them sent out. YAY FOR ME! Ugh. I have only a couple left.

I was laying in bed last night thinking about my heart. It seems as if it isn't as open as it was when I was younger. After being hurt and losing people, can your heart grow back again the same as it was before? More specifically, after losing Carrie, I truly feel as if my heart got scared shut. I constantly worry about losing someone else and I get upset when people don't talk or if I haven't spoken to someone in a while. It wasn't a sudden thing, her death, but it was a shock. I feel sometimes as if my heart can't quite open. Jason has commented on this with me and so has my therapist. I always leave one foot out the door--as my therapist says. I don't quite commit to people. Could this be true? Even with Z, I'm almost afraid to love her as much as I could--this sounds awful, I know. I don't feel as if I have control over it. (I need to call my therapist) I guess I was just worried last night at my somewhat numb feeling lately. I'm not up or down...just flat line. I know I'm happy...I know that things are good and that I love J and Z very much...but I feel as if I can't FEEL anything!! It's so odd. I'm not even down. I want to really laugh or something. This is a strange post. I hate it. I feel as if I miss people so much that I just shut off so that I don't. I don't want to long for people...or to get so freaked out about Z doing anything in the future. I don't want to hide her away from the world because I'm so scared for her. (I feel this is possible) I know she's going to go away...yes, we're talking YEARS down the road, but I don't want to be crippled by it.

What's wrong with me? Is this normal?? Am I just protecting myself from "old Valerie" taking over with her over analyzing, over feeling, over obsessing, overly depressive craziness???

Side note: My gosh, you should hear the noises coming out of this child...I'm freaking out it is so cute. What am I going to do when she starts talking? :)

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