This is my 3rd post today. I obviously need a therapy session and I'm using this and a call to my little sister as my therapist. Lost it today for the first time. Not a tantrum...just starting bawling while giving Z a bottle. I'm exhausted today and frustrated and lonely. After realizing that I was slowly losing my mind, I put Z in her swing, which she seemed content with and took myself downstairs to a hot bath. I called Mandi (who wasn't around kids...it was fated for me to call her) and vented and cried until I was sane again. When I came upstairs, Z was asleep with a smile on her face, so I felt like I hadn't failed her as a mom by my small postpartum flip out. I've been pretty ok until today. Not sure what happened. Lots of things. Now, of course, I'm spent. I only have one. I keep saying that to myself. Both of my sisters have 3. I don't understand how. I am slowly seeing that I'm fraying a bit. Each day I find it necessary to take a shower and put on real clothes. I feel like I have to do this or I'll be a slob. I have to seem "cute" to Jason...or he'll seem me as a yucky mom type or something. I also feel like I have to have the house be perfect or I'm dirty. (Wow...there ARE some issues here.) This morning, I came upstairs to find a peanut butter knife that J had left out on the counter...my clean counter and I started to cry then too. I'm losing it today. He's traveling today...and he was gone all day yesterday. He's tired and overwhelmed and each of us are going through our own little days of hell. Granted, mine is spent with Miss Magically Wonderful. She smiles at me and trusts me and has to hold on to my finger to go to sleep at times. We sing and we coo and we bond. This is my bright spot. But...I'm exhausted and I know this is normal.
This is normal. This is normal. This is normal. This is normal.
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2 comments:
Oh, it is so normal. But in case you aren't completely sure, I'll blather on a bit longer.
Sleep deprivation magnifies irritants. Normally you'd see the knife on the counter and have a second of irritation then forget about it. Being tired (and healing, and adjusting to a new part of life) makes that small mess the embodiment of everything that's ever been a point of stress and it's hard to react normally.
As far as having one kid versus having several, my adjustment after having Athena was worlds harder than my adjustment to having the twins or Helena. The first kid is a really hard adjustment.
I swear to you, all of this evens out. But what you're feeling is normal -- very hard, but normal.
I love you. And not only is it normal but it never really goes away. Not trying to be a downer, just letting you know that there will always be the exhaustion enhanced meltdowns when you feel overwhelmed whether its by one kid or a platoon of them.
I feel you. I am having one of those sessions today too. I'm hiding in my room while speaking to a child every once in a while so that I can justify my status as a decent parent.
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