"I'm still cool, right? Shit, what if I'm not...was I ever???"

I just got back in from mowing the yard. I love doing it. I think it reminds me of childhood. The sound of the motor, the smell of grass and feeling accomplished when you are done. I used to mow my grandpa's yard. He had a riding mower. I wasn't good at it, I was lazy when I did it, but he let me do it every week anyway. He paid me for it. In fact, mowing his yard my senior year allowed me to go on the senior ski trip. He loved to find reasons to give to me. He used to sit out on the patio and watch. When I was done, we'd throw all of the clippings in grass trailer and take them to the dump. Grandma would go along when we did this. I'd jump in the back with a pitchfork and throw them into the hole in the ground. It's amazing how this memory, boring to most, is something I treasure. Jason occasionally shoots video of me mowing or weed whacking--I think he thinks I'm a rare breed. He says it's the Kansas in me. I think it's just me trying to hold on to any kind of memory trigger I can. Also, it's one of the ways I can exercise. I'm trying to get back some resemblance of my former body. It will never be the way it was, I'm ok with that. AS long as I can fit comfortably into my clothes, I'm fine.

Mowing also makes me feel more...manly. That's silly. With all of this baby time and cleaning, I'm starting to feel as if I'm disappearing. The purple hair was part of my reappearing act. I wanted to pierce my nose, but then I read some in my Maya Angelou book and it convinced me otherwise. Damn it Maya! My fingernails are blue, my toenails are purple. What am I trying to prove? "I'm not boring. I'm not a boring mommy...housekeeper...cook...whatever." I'm still cool!!!! Well, I'm just trying not to lose my mind. I'm driving Jason crazy with my obsessive cleaning. I'm driving myself nuts, too. It's a delicate balance I think. I'm trying very hard to keep complete control over my surroundings thinking it will medicate me. Not that I'm depressed, I don't feel depressed. I'm just worried about becoming that way. My depression is like I'm an alcoholic. It's always there...it's just whether I participate in it or not. I've been "clean" for over 3 years now (with a minor hiccup now and then). It feels good. It's probably making me less fun...at least at times. Another reason for purple hair. I'm FUN!!! I'm spontaneous!! I'm not a cookie cutter mommy!! (My mantra)

How many times have I said I need to talk to my therapist and I haven't called???

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