happy for no reason it seems

It's harder for me to write every day. ugh. Today it's raining...and will be for the next several days. The next clear, sunny day is forecasted for July 5th. geesh.

my mood is good, though. i'm in a great mood today for some reason. i've been stressed out for days. i don't know what the change is, but i'll take it. how out of touch i am with myself that when i am in a great mood, i don't even know why. that's messed up.

jason's birthday is today. he's 36. we'll celebrate tomorrow night. Moe's or wings...and World War Z. He's a zombie lover.

my family arrives on sunday or monday. we're quickly doing house projects. new lights, new door, new faucets. we do most of our home renovations during july. it stresses j out that people will be here during all of the work--but he has a vision of how things should be. if he could totally redecorate the entire house before anyone visited, he would. whacko.

the girls are great. Harper is such a darling. she makes the sweetest noises. Z is really into fort making. yesterday she was all about making paper fans and doing japanese fan dances. She loves Phillip Phillips. She cracks me up.

Well, there's much to be tidied up. I guess I should get to it.

Here is Will's story.

Again, click on link...

http://youtu.be/VihMT-RRKnk

Pressure Man--Will Gray.

my friend, Reva is playing banjo...and is a back up singer.

I'm having a hard time with the injustice of cancer. it's taken dear friends before. I don't even know Will personally. maybe it's because I'm older. maybe because I have children. Yes, I think that's it. How will I explain why these thing happen? He's not gone. I don't mean to write as if he is. He's just so ill and nothing can really be done except to hope and pray.

http://goteamgray.com/

#goteamgray

song birds

http://youtu.be/LqoROX6lZm4

click on the link because the damn video upload won't work.

Sometimes, it's just too much

Tonight, I'm overwhelmed. Been following a friend of a friend's progress with cancer online for a while now. I saw him perform with my friend, Reva about 4 years ago in Washington, D.C. Jason and I have followed his music ever since. He is young, talented, kind and a devout christian. I don't go to church and it makes me feel uncomfortable to talk religion most times. Jesus Christ isn't someone I feel like I know. He does. His wife does. They are true followers of the Christian religion. And he's dying. I'm not. For some reason, that screws me up. I know this makes no sense. My friend, Bill, that died at 40 was an atheist. That shit doesn't matter. Bill was one of the kindest souls I've ever met. I just feel odd reading things about young, talented, artistic people who are doing things with their talents...and have such horrible tragedy in their lives. I just read an article tonight about Michael Hastings. He was a writer and a contributor to Rolling Stone. He's dead at 33 after a car accident. WTF. I know this shit happens every day. I know that. Tonight, it is too much for me. I feel as if I'm sitting on a log doing nothing and surviving while others are putting their talents out into the world and getting fucked. you know??

Look up Will Gray. Broke*--the documentary. Go to www.goteamgray.com and see what you think.
Watch this:

https://vimeo.com/67914803

The back up singer is my friend, Reva. They are magical together.

I'm just overwhelmed with these thoughts tonight. I will go kiss my girls and go to bed.

I don't get life. I really don't.

maybe a nap is needed.

The sun is shining and it is just under 80 degrees. It is beautiful. My mood should be better. I'm just sort of blah. I hate when you feel blue and have no idea why. J left for an overnight business deal. Whenever he drives, I always freak out. I'm trying to stop doing that--but it is hard.

We are celebrating our 6th anniversary on Friday night. I got the reservations. A new place. Probably over priced. Maybe we shouldn't go so fancy, I don't know. It seemed appropriate.

There are days when you wish the world would pause so you could get your bearings. This is one of those days. What the hell is wrong with me??

girls and heros

The summer is finally getting here, though I'm writing and it's only 64 degrees. It's a nice morning. It's been raining for days--with a beautiful sunny break yesterday. We took family pics in our yard. They are going to be so great to have. Jason HATES getting his picture taken and belly ached for days leading up to it...but he pulled through just fine and ended up liking the process. That's how it goes normally--he dreads social situations and then is fine during the event. It sort of drives me nuts--but I suppose there are reasons for his anxiety and I'll have to just deal with it. He deals with my weeks of anxiety leading up to a trip back home. Same thing.

The girls are doing well. Harper is trying so hard to crawl, but isn't getting anywhere very quickly. She rolls her way to everything. Z is a nice mixture of darling and aggravating. She is so head strong. She is just like her parents--fatigue does not bring out her best side. I love these girls. I'm so anxious to see their friendship grow. Right now they adore each other...I know this will be an up and down thing.

I'm looking into taking a class through Writers and Books. Mom and Wendy are coming in for July, so I think we'll take it together. This is the run down...

A Hero's Journey:Ever wonder why great films have such power to move you? Countless contemporary and classic films draw their storytelling power from mythic structuring and the archetypes we interact with in our own life journey. In this workshop we will break down some of the most beloved films in cinema to show the dramatic impact that mythic structuring & the hero’s journey has over all genres of film.

I want to take a writing class, too, but this one will be fun.

Here are two shots from yesterday:

I'm Mad

I'm obsessed with Mad Men. I could watch it all day. I love the time period. I love the characters. I love the advertising. I love the fashions. I love their reactions to historical events-- It's as if I'm watching family members back in the day- and how they could have reacted. And, since I was not alive yet, I watch their tvs and have similar reactions. I find it fascinating.

I have a great idea for a hotel in Vegas. Each floor (starting with the 1920s) is a decade. On each floor, you could shop in a vintage shop, all tvs (when invented) would show programming from that decade. Each would have its own movie theatre showing films of the day. Each would have foods popular at that time--or restaurant replicas of hot spots. They could have look-a-likes walking around of film stars of the day. (cheesy??) The whole thing would be as if you walked back in time. You get off the elevator and it just is. Nothing telling you what decade...you'd have to figure it out yourself--unless you pre-booked your room in the 1960s. Is that so cool?? Maybe it's just me. I'd go there.

Wait a minute.

It's been a while. I've been away. Now that I'm back I'm trying see if I can go into the summer with a new perspective. Kansas ended up being better than I expected. The life is different. It's familiar, but not the same. I missed how the town used to look and feel. It's just not the way I remembered. Well, it's just not the same. So many dead trees due to drought. So many deserted houses. So many houses that used to look nice...honestly, look like shit now. I'm not sure if it's because the pride in the town is gone or what. The HS is smaller. The kids don't care as much. It just sort of sucks.

I come home to my beautiful trees and my house that can never get clean. I'm home with my bed and my girls...and life is good. I'm not saying it isn't hard, it is. Marriage is hard. Life is hard. Being a good parent is hard. But as I look out into my back yard...I'm comforted by the life I've created thus far for the girls. They are happy and healthy.

There are many things I'm pondering. I find myself just sitting and thinking. I know most don't even have the time to do that. Sometimes I just want to sit in the sun and think about nothing. It gets exhausting to keep trying to figure everything out. How do I feel about this? How can I be better at this? What can I do to make that better?

Time isn't slowing down for me to figure it all out.