Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Freak outs and Films

Today, I feel as if I SUCK at my job. I SUCK at being a mom. WTF. My sweet Kindergartner refused to go to school today. She is such a perfectionist that after her teacher made a comment about her "being off" and it sent her into another dimension. ugh. I took her to the school counselor finally. But this is after I went downstairs and the tears just flew down my face. I felt as if I'd failed her somehow. I'm always having that damn feeling. I'm responsible for everyone's self-worth.
And the other, my easy one, Harper, 3--refused to go into school with the shoes she was wearing. I'd had it by then so, yeah...I ran her over to Target and bought her $10 (on sale) golden high tops. She was happy...she went to school...I was free.

So, you know what, I also suck at sticking to a schedule. I set one up to follow and it's totally not working. Life doesn't work with a schedule...not if kids are involved.

So, movies I've seen lately...

Regarding Henry--1991. Harrison Ford and Annette Benning.
I've seen this multiple times, but it was on Netflix, so I decided to be inspired once again. It's a perspective movie. What is important...and how life can change in an instant. Everyone watches movies with that message. We all know it...but how many really have it change their lives? Not many, but a great little movie.

Truth- Robert Redford and Cate Blachett
It's the fall of Dan Rather...because he reported on info that was fake, though he didn't know it was fake...and everyone is mislead. It's very slanted toward Dan, which is fine. It was just okay. eh. I even forgot I saw it, it didn't stick.

Elsa and Fred (2014) Shirley Maclain and Christopher Plummer.
Cute, whacky, the end is never the end, there is a place for "crazy" people and there is someone who will love them and whom they will bring back to life.
A nice way to spend an evening...I was glad there was a movie that gave them parts. I watched for the actors.

Match (2014) Patrick Stewart.
Okay, I actually watched this one months ago, but it STUCK with me. I loved it.
It's another "it's never too late" films, but it works. He was magnificent. Worth the watch. I might buy it. He is so captivating. wow.

The Staircase (a doc--2004) 8 episodes. Did he kill his wife or not?
I was for some reason, captivated...not sure he did it.

Tuesday, April 05, 2016

Another sign.

"Why does one write?"

I believe one writes because one has to create a world in which one can live.

I had to create a world of my own, like climate, a country, an atmosphere in which I could breathe, reign, and re-create myself when destroyed by living.

...We also write to heighten our own awareness of life, we write to lure and enchant and console others, we write to serenade our lovers. We write to taste life twice, in the moment, and in retrospection. We write, like Proust, to render all of it eternal, and to persuade ourselves that it is eternal. We write to be able to transcend our life, to reach beyond it. We write to teach ourselves to speak with others, to record the journey into the labyrinth, we write to expand our world, when we feel strangled, constricted, lonely. We write as the birds sing. As the primitive dance their rituals. If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don't write. Because our culture has no use for any of that. When I don't write, I feel my world shrinking. I feel I am in prison. I feel I lose my fire, my color. It should be a necessity as the sea needs to heave, I call it breathing. 


This is perfection. I just read this. It spoke to me. I love it when I read something that I connect with so intensely. It makes me feel less alone. I am not surrounded by writers. It is hard for me to find time to sit down and do it. My fear is becoming old. I am getting angry about it all. I want to get it done. I want to create. I want to show my girls that I am more than just at home with them. That I have my own thoughts and feelings...and that they can create something. I cry a lot. I am an emotional person. I'd love to show Zoe that there is a reason why I am the way I am. I feel and it is so intense. I FEEL the world. I feel moments. May Sarton also writes about how coming into contact with another person can feel like a crash...just crashing into their words and their feelings...it isn't easy. 

If it isn't writing...it's something for you, right. Fuck Fear. Get angry at it. We could be gone tomorrow and it would be all for not. No, that can't happen.